Chapter Chapter 33 · How some statesmen of Picroc

Chapter 1.XXXIII.

How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in

extreme danger.

The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came

before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and

Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, Sir,

this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince

that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be

covered, said Picrochole. Gramercy, said they, we do but our duty. The

manner is thus. You shall leave some captain here to have the charge of

this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which,

besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and

fortresses of your devising. Your army you are to divide into two parts,

as you know very well how to do. One part thereof shall fall upon

Grangousier and his forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first

shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath

store of ready coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and generous

prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish

trick. The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards

Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony. Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and

Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and

forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you

shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal,

shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be

supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. By copsody, Spain

will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass by

the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately

than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the

narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.

Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your

slave. I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life.

Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. And you shall

conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), Corone,

yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca,

Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustic and

Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia

Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then

God b’w’ye, Rome. (Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear.) By my

faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pantoufle.

Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all

ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes

heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. I

would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto. No, no, said they,

that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail eastwards, and take

Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea.

It is ours, by St. Trenian. The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great

Soldan is not comparable to you in power. I will then, said he, cause

Solomon’s temple to be built. No, said they, not yet, have a little

patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you

tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festina lente. It is requisite that you

first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia,

Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga,

Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and

Mount Sinai? There is no need, said they, at this time. Have we not

hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted

and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the

three Arabias? Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are

undone. Ha, poor souls! What’s the matter? said they. What shall we

have, said he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Augustus with his

whole army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already, said they,

given order for that. In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and

fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. They arrived

at Port Joppa. There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen

hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about

Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the

Mecca caravan. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but,

said he, we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said they, not of a

fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy

of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and

your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris. But,

said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows

that unworthy swillpot Grangousier? They are not idle, said they. We

shall meet with them by-and-by. They shall have won you Brittany,

Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have

passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a

party of these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy,

even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from

the naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in

Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria,

Austria, Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck,

Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even

unto the frozen sea. This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and

subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the

sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia,

Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria,

Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople. Come, said Picrochole, let us

go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also. Shall

we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans? What a devil should we

do else? said they. And you shall give their goods and lands to such as

shall have served you honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, that is

but just. I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine.

Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you.

God grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an

old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had

been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse,

said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or

interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself

rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to

dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests? What shall be the end

of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that

when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. But, said

Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long

and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than

unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? O, said

Swashbuckler, by G--, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves

in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life

amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like Sardanapalus. He

that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon. He who

adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered

Malchon. Enough, said Picrochole, go forward. I fear nothing but that

these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will

come on our backs and charge up our rear. What course shall we then take?

What shall be our remedy? A very good one, said Dirt-tail; a pretty little

commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into

the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war.

Oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, I should for the

lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I

strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, said Picrochole,

make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me.