Chapter Chapter 4 · FOURTH NIGHT

. FOURTH NIGHT

My God, how it has all ended! What it has all ended in! I arrived at

nine o'clock. She was already there. I noticed her a good way off; she

was standing as she had been that first time, with her elbows on the

railing, and she did not hear me coming up to her.

"Nastenka!" I called to her, suppressing my agitation with an effort.

She turned to me quickly.

"Well?" she said. "Well? Make haste!"

I looked at her in perplexity.

"Well, where is the letter? Have you brought the letter?" she repeated

clutching at the railing.

"No, there is no letter," I said at last. "Hasn't he been to you yet?"

She turned fearfully pale and looked at me for a long time without

moving. I had shattered her last hope.

"Well, God be with him," she said at last in a breaking voice; "God be

with him if he leaves me like that."

She dropped her eyes, then tried to look at me and could not. For

several minutes she was struggling with her emotion. All at once she

turned away, leaning her elbows against the railing and burst into

tears.

"Oh don't, don't!" I began; but looking at her I had not the heart to go

on, and what was I to say to her?

"Don't try and comfort me," she said; "don't talk about him; don't tell

me that he will come, that he has not cast me off so cruelly and so

inhumanly as he has. What for--what for? Can there have been something

in my letter, that unlucky letter?"

At that point sobs stifled her voice; my heart was torn as I looked at

her.

"Oh, how inhumanly cruel it is!" she began again. "And not a line, not a

line! He might at least have written that he does not want me, that he

rejects me--but not a line for three days! How easy it is for him to

wound, to insult a poor, defenceless girl, whose only fault is that she

loves him! Oh, what I've suffered during these three days! Oh, dear!

When I think that I was the first to go to him, that I humbled myself

before him, cried, that I begged of him a little love!... and after

that! Listen," she said, turning to me, and her black eyes flashed, "it

isn't so! It can't be so; it isn't natural. Either you are mistaken or

I; perhaps he has not received the letter? Perhaps he still knows

nothing about it? How could any one--judge for yourself, tell me, for

goodness' sake explain it to me, I can't understand it--how could any

one behave with such barbarous coarseness as he has behaved to me? Not

one word! Why, the lowest creature on earth is treated more

compassionately. Perhaps he has heard something, perhaps some one has

told him something about me," she cried, turning to me inquiringly:

"What do you think?"

"Listen, Nastenka, I shall go to him to-morrow in your name."

"Yes?"

"I will question him about everything; I will tell him everything."

"Yes, yes?"

"You write a letter. Don't say no, Nastenka, don't say no! I will make

him respect your action, he shall hear all about it, and if----"

"No, my friend, no," she interrupted. "Enough! Not another word, not

another line from me--enough! I don't know him; I don't love him any

more. I will ... forget him."

She could not go on.

"Calm yourself, calm yourself! Sit here, Nastenka," I said, making her

sit down on the seat.

"I am calm. Don't trouble. It's nothing! It's only tears, they will soon

dry. Why, do you imagine I shall do away with myself, that I shall throw

myself into the river?"

My heart was full: I tried to speak, but I could not.

"Listen," she said taking my hand. "Tell me: you wouldn't have behaved

like this, would you? You would not have abandoned a girl who had come

to you of herself, you would not have thrown into her face a shameless

taunt at her weak foolish heart? You would have taken care of her? You

would have realized that she was alone, that she did not know how to

look after herself, that she could not guard herself from loving you,

that it was not her fault, not her fault--that she had done nothing....

Oh dear, oh dear!"

"Nastenka!" I cried at last, unable to control my emotion. "Nastenka,

you torture me! You wound my heart, you are killing me, Nastenka! I

cannot be silent! I must speak at last, give utterance to what is

surging in my heart!"

As I said this I got up from the seat. She took my hand and looked at me

in surprise.

"What is the matter with you?" she said at last.

"Listen," I said resolutely. "Listen to me, Nastenka! What I am going to

say to you now is all nonsense, all impossible, all stupid! I know that

this can never be, but I cannot be silent. For the sake of what you are

suffering now, I beg you beforehand to forgive me!"

"What is it? What is it?" she said drying her tears and looking at me

intently, while a strange curiosity gleamed in her astonished eyes.

"What is the matter?"

"It's impossible, but I love you, Nastenka! There it is! Now everything

is told," I said with a wave of my hand. "Now you will see whether you

can go on talking to me as you did just now, whether you can listen to

what I am going to say to you."...

"Well, what then?" Nastenka interrupted me. "What of it? I knew you

loved me long ago, only I always thought that you simply liked me very

much.... Oh dear, oh dear!"

"At first it was simply liking, Nastenka, but now, now! I am just in the

same position as you were when you went to him with your bundle. In a

worse position than you, Nastenka, because he cared for no one else as

you do."

"What are you saying to me! I don't understand you in the least. But

tell me, what's this for; I don't mean what for, but why are you ... so

suddenly.... Oh dear, I am talking nonsense! But you...."

And Nastenka broke off in confusion. Her cheeks flamed; she dropped her

eyes.

"What's to be done, Nastenka, what am I to do? I am to blame. I have

abused your.... But no, no, I am not to blame, Nastenka; I feel that, I

know that, because my heart tells me I am right, for I cannot hurt you

in any way, I cannot wound you! I was your friend, but I am still your

friend, I have betrayed no trust. Here my tears are falling, Nastenka.

Let them flow, let them flow--they don't hurt anybody. They will dry,

Nastenka."

"Sit down, sit down," she said, making me sit down on the seat. "Oh, my

God!"

"No, Nastenka, I won't sit down; I cannot stay here any longer, you

cannot see me again; I will tell you everything and go away. I only want

to say that you would never have found out that I loved you. I should

have kept my secret. I would not have worried you at such a moment with

my egoism. No! But I could not resist it now; you spoke of it yourself,

it is your fault, your fault and not mine. You cannot drive me away from

you."...

"No, no, I don't drive you away, no!" said Nastenka, concealing her

confusion as best she could, poor child.

"You don't drive me away? No! But I meant to run from you myself. I will

go away, but first I will tell you all, for when you were crying here I

could not sit unmoved, when you wept, when you were in torture at

being--at being--I will speak of it, Nastenka--at being forsaken, at

your love being repulsed, I felt that in my heart there was so much love

for you, Nastenka, so much love! And it seemed so bitter that I could

not help you with my love, that my heart was breaking and I ... I could

not be silent, I had to speak, Nastenka, I had to speak!"

"Yes, yes! tell me, talk to me," said Nastenka with an indescribable

gesture. "Perhaps you think it strange that I talk to you like this, but

... speak! I will tell you afterwards! I will tell you everything."

"You are sorry for me, Nastenka, you are simply sorry for me, my dear

little friend! What's done can't be mended. What is said cannot be taken

back. Isn't that so? Well, now you know. That's the starting-point. Very

well. Now it's all right, only listen. When you were sitting crying I

thought to myself (oh, let me tell you what I was thinking!), I thought,

that (of course it cannot be, Nastenka), I thought that you ... I

thought that you somehow ... quite apart from me, had ceased to love

him. Then--I thought that yesterday and the day before yesterday,

Nastenka--then I would--I certainly would--have succeeded in making you

love me; you know, you said yourself, Nastenka, that you almost loved

me. Well, what next? Well, that's nearly all I wanted to tell you; all

that is left to say is how it would be if you loved me, only that,

nothing more! Listen, my friend--for any way you are my friend--I am, of

course, a poor, humble man, of no great consequence; but that's not the

point (I don't seem to be able to say what I mean, Nastenka, I am so

confused), only I would love you, I would love you so, that even if you

still loved him, even if you went on loving the man I don't know, you

would never feel that my love was a burden to you. You would only feel

every minute that at your side was beating a grateful, grateful heart, a

warm heart ready for your sake.... Oh Nastenka, Nastenka! What have you

done to me?"

"Don't cry; I don't want you to cry," said Nastenka getting up quickly

from the seat. "Come along, get up, come with me, don't cry, don't cry,"

she said, drying her tears with her handkerchief; "let us go now; maybe

I will tell you something.... If he has forsaken me now, if he has

forgotten me, though I still love him (I do not want to deceive you) ...

but listen, answer me. If I were to love you, for instance, that is, if

I only.... Oh my friend, my friend! To think, to think how I wounded

you, when I laughed at your love, when I praised you for not falling in

love with me. Oh dear! How was it I did not foresee this, how was it I

did not foresee this, how could I have been so stupid? But.... Well, I

have made up my mind, I will tell you."

"Look here, Nastenka, do you know what? I'll go away, that's what I'll

do. I am simply tormenting you. Here you are remorseful for having

laughed at me, and I won't have you ... in addition to your sorrow....

Of course it is my fault, Nastenka, but good-bye!"

"Stay, listen to me: can you wait?"

"What for? How?"

"I love him; but I shall get over it, I must get over it, I cannot fail

to get over it; I am getting over it, I feel that.... Who knows? Perhaps

it will all end to-day, for I hate him, for he has been laughing at me,

while you have been weeping here with me, for you have not repulsed me

as he has, for you love me while he has never loved me, for in fact, I

love you myself.... Yes, I love you! I love you as you love me; I have

told you so before, you heard it yourself--I love you because you are

better than he is, because you are nobler than he is, because, because

he----"

The poor girl's emotion was so violent that she could not say more; she

laid her head upon my shoulder, then upon my bosom, and wept bitterly. I

comforted her, I persuaded her, but she could not stop crying; she kept

pressing my hand, and saying between her sobs: "Wait, wait, it will be

over in a minute! I want to tell you ... you mustn't think that these

tears--it's nothing, it's weakness, wait till it's over."... At last she

left off crying, dried her eyes and we walked on again. I wanted to

speak, but she still begged me to wait. We were silent.... At last she

plucked up courage and began to speak.

"It's like this," she began in a weak and quivering voice, in which,

however, there was a note that pierced my heart with a sweet pang;

"don't think that I am so light and inconstant, don't think that I can

forget and change so quickly. I have loved him for a whole year, and I

swear by God that I have never, never, even in thought, been unfaithful

to him.... He has despised me, he has been laughing at me--God forgive

him! But he has insulted me and wounded my heart. I ... I do not love

him, for I can only love what is magnanimous, what understands me, what

is generous; for I am like that myself and he is not worthy of me--well,

that's enough of him. He has done better than if he had deceived my

expectations later, and shown me later what he was.... Well, it's over!

But who knows, my dear friend," she went on pressing my hand, "who

knows, perhaps my whole love was a mistaken feeling, a delusion--perhaps

it began in mischief, in nonsense, because I was kept so strictly by

grandmother? Perhaps I ought to love another man, not him, a different

man, who would have pity on me and ... and.... But don't let us say any

more about that," Nastenka broke off, breathless with emotion, "I only

wanted to tell you ... I wanted to tell you that if, although I love him

(no, did love him), if, in spite of this you still say.... If you feel

that your love is so great that it may at last drive from my heart my

old feeling--if you will have pity on me--if you do not want to leave me

alone to my fate, without hope, without consolation--if you are ready to

love me always as you do now--I swear to you that gratitude ... that my

love will be at last worthy of your love.... Will you take my hand?"

"Nastenka!" I cried breathless with sobs. "Nastenka, oh Nastenka!"

"Enough, enough! Well, now it's quite enough," she said, hardly able to

control herself. "Well, now all has been said, hasn't it! Hasn't it? You

are happy--I am happy too. Not another word about it, wait; spare me ...

talk of something else, for God's sake."

"Yes, Nastenka, yes! Enough about that, now I am happy. I---- Yes,

Nastenka, yes, let us talk of other things, let us make haste and talk.

Yes! I am ready."

And we did not know what to say: we laughed, we wept, we said thousands

of things meaningless and incoherent; at one moment we walked along the

pavement, then suddenly turned back and crossed the road; then we

stopped and went back again to the embankment; we were like children.

"I am living alone now, Nastenka," I began, "but to-morrow! Of course

you know, Nastenka, I am poor, I have only got twelve hundred roubles,

but that doesn't matter."

"Of course not, and granny has her pension, so she will be no burden. We

must take granny."

"Of course we must take granny. But there's Matrona."

"Yes, and we've got Fyokla too!"

"Matrona is a good woman, but she has one fault: she has no imagination,

Nastenka, absolutely none; but that doesn't matter."

"That's all right--they can live together; only you must move to us

to-morrow."

"To you? How so? All right, I am ready."

"Yes, hire a room from us. We have a top floor, it's empty. We had an

old lady lodging there, but she has gone away; and I know granny would

like to have a young man. I said to her, 'Why a young man?' And she

said, 'Oh, because I am old; only don't you fancy, Nastenka, that I want

him as a husband for you.' So I guessed it was with that idea."

"Oh, Nastenka!"

And we both laughed.

"Come, that's enough, that's enough. But where do you live? I've

forgotten."

"Over that way, near X bridge, Barannikov's Buildings."

"It's that big house?"

"Yes, that big house."

"Oh, I know, a nice house; only you know you had better give it up and

come to us as soon as possible."

"To-morrow, Nastenka, to-morrow; I owe a little for my rent there but

that doesn't matter. I shall soon get my salary."

"And do you know I will perhaps give lessons; I will learn something

myself and then give lessons."

"Capital! And I shall soon get a bonus."

"So by to-morrow you will be my lodger."

"And we will go to _The Barber of Seville_, for they are soon going to

give it again."

"Yes, we'll go," said Nastenka, "but better see something else and not

_The Barber of Seville_."

"Very well, something else. Of course that will be better, I did not

think----"

As we talked like this we walked along in a sort of delirium, a sort of

intoxication, as though we did not know what was happening to us. At one

moment we stopped and talked for a long time at the same place; then we

went on again, and goodness knows where we went; and again tears and

again laughter. All of a sudden Nastenka would want to go home, and I

would not dare to detain her but would want to see her to the house; we

set off, and in a quarter of an hour found ourselves at the embankment

by our seat. Then she would sigh, and tears would come into her eyes

again; I would turn chill with dismay.... But she would press my hand

and force me to walk, to talk, to chatter as before.

"It's time I was home at last; I think it must be very late," Nastenka

said at last. "We must give over being childish."

"Yes, Nastenka, only I shan't sleep to-night; I am not going home."

"I don't think I shall sleep either; only see me home."

"I should think so!"

"Only this time we really must get to the house."

"We must, we must."

"Honour bright? For you know one must go home some time!"

"Honour bright," I answered laughing.

"Well, come along!"

"Come along! Look at the sky, Nastenka. Look! To-morrow it will be a

lovely day; what a blue sky, what a moon! Look; that yellow cloud is

covering it now, look, look! No, it has passed by. Look, look!"

But Nastenka did not look at the cloud; she stood mute as though turned

to stone; a minute later she huddled timidly close up to me. Her hand

trembled in my hand; I looked at her. She pressed still more closely to

me.

At that moment a young man passed by us. He suddenly stopped, looked at

us intently, and then again took a few steps on. My heart began

throbbing.

"Who is it, Nastenka?" I said in an undertone.

"It's he," she answered in a whisper, huddling up to me, still more

closely, still more tremulously.... I could hardly stand on my feet.

"Nastenka, Nastenka! It's you!" I heard a voice behind us and at the

same moment the young man took several steps towards us.

My God, how she cried out! How she started! How she tore herself out of

my arms and rushed to meet him! I stood and looked at them, utterly

crushed. But she had hardly given him her hand, had hardly flung herself

into his arms, when she turned to me again, was beside me again in a

flash, and before I knew where I was she threw both arms round my neck

and gave me a warm, tender kiss. Then, without saying a word to me, she

rushed back to him again, took his hand, and drew him after her.

I stood a long time looking after them. At last the two vanished from my

sight.