Chapter Chapter 3 · A week passed in glory and gladness.

I had got over the worst this time, too. I had had food every day, and

my courage rose, and I thrust one iron after the other into the fire.

I was working at three or four articles, that plundered my poor brain

of every spark, every thought that rose in it; and yet I fancied that I

wrote with more facility than before.

The last article with which I had raced about so much, and upon which I

had built such hopes, had already been returned to me by the editor;

and, angry and wounded as I was, I had destroyed it immediately,

without even re-reading it again. In future, I would try another paper

in order to open up more fields for my work.

Supposing that writing were to fail, and the worst were to come to the

worst, I still had the ships to take to. The _Nun_ lay alongside the

wharf, ready to sail, and I might, perhaps, work my way out to

Archangel, or wherever else she might be bound; there was no lack of

openings on many sides. The last crisis had dealt rather roughly with

me. My hair fell out in masses, and I was much troubled with headaches,

particularly in the morning, and my nervousness died a hard death. I

sat and wrote during the day with my hands bound up in rags, simply

because I could not endure the touch of my own breath upon them. If

Jens Olaj banged the stable door underneath me, or if a dog came into

the yard and commenced to bark, it thrilled through my very marrow like

icy stabs piercing me from every side. I was pretty well played out.

Day after day I strove at my work, begrudging myself the short time it

took to swallow my food before I sat down again to write. At this time

both the bed and the little rickety table were strewn over with notes

and written pages, upon which I worked turn about, added any new ideas

which might have occurred to me during the day, erased, or quickened

here and there the dull points by a word of colour--fagged and toiled

at sentence after sentence, with the greatest of pains. One afternoon,

one of my articles being at length finished, I thrust it, contented and

happy, into my pocket, and betook myself to the "commandor." It was

high time I made some arrangement towards getting a little money again;

I had only a few pence left.

The "commandor" requested me to sit down for a moment; he would be

disengaged immediately, and he continued writing.

I looked about the little office--busts, prints, cuttings, and an

enormous paper-basket, that looked as if it might swallow a man, bones

and all. I felt sad at heart at the sight of this monstrous chasm, this

dragon's mouth, that always stood open, always ready to receive

rejected work, newly crushed hopes.

"What day of the month is it?" queried the "commandor" from the table.

"The 28th," I reply, pleased that I can be of service to him, "the

28th," and he continues writing. At last he encloses a couple of

letters in their envelopes, tosses some papers into the basket, and

lays down his pen. Then he swings round on his chair, and looks at me.

Observing that I am still standing near the door, he makes a

half-serious, half-playful motion with his hand, and points to a chair.

I turn aside, so that he may not see that I have no waistcoat on, when

I open my coat to take the manuscript out of my pocket.

"It is only a little character sketch of Correggio," I say; "but

perhaps it is, worse luck, not written in such a way that...."

He takes the papers out of my hand, and commences to go through them.

His face is turned towards me.

And so it is thus he looks at close quarters, this man, whose name I

had already heard in my earliest youth, and whose paper had exercised

the greatest influence upon me as the years advanced? His hair is

curly, and his beautiful brown eyes are a little restless. He has a

habit of tweaking his nose now and then. No Scotch minister could look

milder than this truculent writer, whose pen always left bleeding scars

wherever it attacked. A peculiar feeling of awe and admiration comes

over me in the presence of this man. The tears are on the point of

coming to my eyes, and I advanced a step to tell him how heartily I

appreciated him, for all he had taught me, and to beg him not to hurt

me; I was only a poor bungling wretch, who had had a sorry enough time

of it as it was....

He looked up, and placed my manuscript slowly together, whilst he sat

and considered. To make it easier for him to give me a refusal, I

stretch out my hand a little, and say:

"Ah, well, of course, it is not of any use to you," and I smile to give

him the impression that I take it easily.

"Everything has to be of such a popular nature to be of any use to us,"

he replies; "you know the kind of public we have. But can't you try and

write something a little more commonplace, or hit upon something that

people understand better?"

His forbearance astonishes me. I understand that my article is

rejected, and yet I could not have received a prettier refusal. Not to

take up his time any longer, I reply:

"Oh yes, I daresay I can."

I go towards the door. Hem--he must pray forgive me for having taken up

his time with this ... I bow, and turn the door handle.

"If you need it," he says, "you are welcome to draw a little in

advance; you can write for it, you know."

Now, as he had just seen that I was not capable of writing, this offer

humiliated me somewhat, and I answered:

"No, thanks; I can pull through yet a while, thanking you very much,

all the same. Good-day!"

"Good-day!" replies the "commandor," turning at the same time to his

desk again.

He had none the less treated me with undeserved kindness, and I was

grateful to him for it--and I would know how to appreciate it too. I

made a resolution not to return to him until I could take something

with me, that satisfied me perfectly; something that would astonish the

"commandor" a bit, and make him order me to be paid half-a-sovereign

without a moment's hesitation. I went home, and tackled my writing once

more.

During the following evenings, as soon as it got near eight o'clock and

the gas was lit, the following thing happened regularly to me.

As I come out of my room to take a walk in the streets after the labour

and troubles of the day, a lady, dressed in black, stands under the

lamp-post exactly opposite my door.

She turns her face towards me and follows me with her eyes when I pass

her by--I remark that she always has the same dress on, always the same

thick veil that conceals her face and falls over her breast, and that

she carries in her hand a small umbrella with an ivory ring in the

handle. This was already the third evening I had seen her there, always

in the same place. As soon as I have passed her by she turns slowly and

goes down the street away from me. My nervous brain vibrated with

curiosity, and I became at once possessed by the unreasonable feeling

that I was the object of her visit. At last I was almost on the point

of addressing her, of asking her if she was looking for any one, if she

needed my assistance in any way, or if I might accompany her home.

Badly dressed, as I unfortunately was, I might protect her through the

dark streets; but I had an undefined fear that it perhaps might cost me

something; a glass of wine, or a drive, and I had no money left at all.

My distressingly empty pockets acted in a far too depressing way upon

me, and I had not even the courage to scrutinize her sharply as I

passed her by. Hunger had once more taken up its abode in my breast,

and I had not tasted food since yesterday evening. This, 'tis true, was

not a long period; I had often been able to hold out for a couple of

days at a time, but latterly I had commenced to fall off seriously; I

could not go hungry one quarter as well as I used to do. A single day

made me feel dazed, and I suffered from perpetual retching the moment I

tasted water. Added to this was the fact that I lay and shivered all

night, lay fully dressed as I stood and walked in the daytime, lay blue

with cold, lay and froze every night with fits of icy shivering, and

grew stiff during my sleep. The old blanket could not keep out the

draughts, and I woke in the mornings with my nose stopped by the sharp

outside frosty air which forced its way into the dilapidated room.

I go down the street and think over what I am to do to keep myself

alive until I get my next article finished. If I only had a candle I

would try to fag on through the night; it would only take a couple of

hours if I once warmed to my work, and then tomorrow I could call on

the "commandor."

I go without further ado into the Opland Cafe and look for my young

acquaintance in the bank, in order to procure a penny for a candle. I

passed unhindered through all the rooms; I passed a dozen tables at

which men sat chatting, eating, and drinking; I passed into the back of

the cafe, ay, even into the red alcove, without succeeding in finding

my man.

Crestfallen and annoyed I dragged myself out again into the street and

took the direction to the Palace.

Wasn't it now the very hottest eternal devil existing to think that my

hardships never would come to an end! Taking long, furious strides,

with the collar of my coat hunched savagely up round my ears, and my

hands thrust in my breeches pockets, I strode along, cursing my unlucky

stars the whole way. Not one real untroubled hour in seven or eight

months, not the common food necessary to hold body and soul together

for the space of one short week, before want stared me in the face

again. Here I had, into the bargain, gone and kept straight and

honourable all through my misery--Ha! ha! straight and honourable to

the heart's core. God preserve me, what a fool I had been! And I

commenced to tell myself how I had even gone about conscience-stricken

because I had once brought Hans Pauli's blanket to the pawn-broker's. I

laughed sarcastically at my delicate rectitude, spat contemptuously in

the street, and could not find words half strong enough to mock myself

for my stupidity. Let it only happen now! Were I to find at this moment

a schoolgirl's savings or a poor widow's only penny, I would snatch it

up and pocket it; steal it deliberately, and sleep the whole night

through like a top. I had not suffered so unspeakably much for

nothing--my patience was gone--I was prepared to do anything.

I walked round the palace three, perhaps four, times, then came to the

conclusion that I would go home, took yet one little turn in the park

and went back down Carl Johann. It was now about eleven. The streets

were fairly dark, and the people roamed about in all directions, quiet

pairs and noisy groups mixed with one another. The great hour had

commenced, the pairing time when the mystic traffic is in full

swing--and the hour of merry adventures sets in. Rustling petticoats,

one or two still short, sensual laughter, heaving bosoms, passionate,

panting breaths, and far down near the Grand Hotel, a voice calling

"Emma!" The whole street was a swamp, from which hot vapours exuded.

I feel involuntarily in my pockets for a few shillings. The passion

that thrills through the movements of every one of the passers-by, the

dim light of the gas lamps, the quiet pregnant night, all commence to

affect me--this air, that is laden with whispers, embraces, trembling

admissions, concessions, half-uttered words and suppressed cries. A

number of cats are declaring their love with loud yells in Blomquist's

doorway. And I did not possess even a florin! It was a misery, a

wretchedness without parallel to be so impoverished. What humiliation,

too; what disgrace! I began again to think about the poor widow's last

mite, that I would have stolen a schoolboy's cap or handkerchief, or a

beggar's wallet, that I would have brought to a rag-dealer without more

ado, and caroused with the proceeds.

In order to console myself--to indemnify myself in some measure--I take

to picking all possible faults in the people who glide by. I shrug my

shoulders contemptuously, and look slightingly at them according as

they pass. These easily-pleased, confectionery-eating students, who

fancy they are sowing their wild oats in truly Continental style if

they tickle a sempstress under the ribs! These young bucks, bank

clerks, merchants, flâneurs--who would not disdain a sailor's wife;

blowsy Molls, ready to fall down in the first doorway for a glass of

beer! What sirens! The place at their side still warm from the last

night's embrace of a watch-man or a stable-boy! The throne always

vacant, always open to newcomers! Pray, mount!

I spat out over the pavement, without troubling if it hit any one. I

felt enraged; filled with contempt for these people who scraped

acquaintanceship with one another, and paired off right before my eyes.

I lifted my head, and felt in myself the blessing of being able to keep

my own sty clean. At Stortingsplads (Parliament Place) I met a girl who

looked fixedly at me as I came close to her.

"Good-night!" said I.

"Good-night!" She stopped.

Hum! was she out walking so late? Did not a young lady run rather a

risk in being in Carl Johann at this time of night? Really not? Yes;

but was she never spoken to, molested, I meant; to speak plainly, asked

to go along home with any one?

She stared at me with astonishment, scanned my face closely, to see

what I really meant by this, then thrust her hand suddenly under my

arm, and said:

"Yes, and we went too!"

I walked on with her. But when we had gone a few paces past the

car-stand I came to a standstill, freed my arm, and said:

"Listen, my dear, I don't own a farthing!" and with that I went on.

At first she would not believe me; but after she had searched all my

pockets, and found nothing, she got vexed, tossed her head, and called

me a dry cod.

"Good-night!" said I.

"Wait a minute," she called; "are those eyeglasses that you've got

gold?"

"No."

"Then go to blazes with you!" and I went.

A few seconds after she came running behind me, and called out to me:

"You can come with me all the same!"

I felt humiliated by this offer from an unfortunate street wench, and I

said "No." Besides, it was growing late at night, and I was due at a

place. Neither could she afford to make sacrifices of that kind.

"Yes; but now I will have you come with me."

"But I won't go with you in this way."

"Oh, naturally; you are going with some one else."

"No," I answered.

But I was conscious that I stood in a sorry plight in face of this

unique street jade, and I made up my mind to save appearances at least.

"What is your name?" I inquired. "Mary, eh? Well, listen to me now,

Mary!" and I set about explaining my behaviour. The girl grew more and

more astonished in measure as I proceeded. Had she then believed that

I, too, was one of those who went about the street at night and ran

after little girls? Did she really think so badly of me? Had I perhaps

said anything rude to her from the beginning? Did one behave as I had

done when one was actuated by any bad motive? Briefly, in so many

words, I had accosted her, and accompanied her those few paces, to see

how far she would go on with it. For the rest, my name was

So-and-so--Pastor So-and-so. "Good-night; depart, and sin no more!"

With these words I left her.

I rubbed my hands with delight over my happy notion, and soliloquized

aloud, "What a joy there is in going about doing good actions." Perhaps

I had given this fallen creature an upward impulse for her whole life;

save her, once for all, from destruction, and she would appreciate it

when she came to think over it; remember me yet in her hour of death

with thankful heart. Ah! in truth, it paid to be honourable, upright,

and righteous!

My spirits were effervescing. I felt fresh and courageous enough to

face anything that might turn up. If I only had a candle, I might

perhaps complete my article. I walked on, jingling my new door-key in

my hand; hummed, and whistled, and speculated as to means of procuring

a candle. There was no other way out of it. I would have to take my

writing materials with me into the street, under a lamp-post. I opened

the door, and went up to get my papers. When I descended once more I

locked the door from the outside, and planted myself under the light.

All around was quiet; I heard the heavy clanking footstep of a

constable down in Taergade, and far away in the direction of St. Han's

Hill a dog barked. There was nothing to disturb me. I pulled my coat

collar up round my ears, and commenced to think with all my might.

It would be such an extraordinary help to me if I were lucky enough to

find a suitable winding up for this little essay. I had stuck just at a

rather difficult point in it, where there ought to be a quite

imperceptible transition to something fresh, then a subdued gliding

finale, a prolonged murmur, ending at last in a climax as bold and as

startling as a shot, or the sound of a mountain avalanche--full stop.

But the words would not come to me. I read over the whole piece from

the commencement; read every sentence aloud, and yet failed absolutely

to crystallize my thoughts, in order to produce this scintillating

climax. And into the bargain, whilst I was standing labouring away at

this, the constable came and, planting himself a little distance away

from me, spoilt my whole mood. Now, what concern was it of his if I

stood and strove for a striking climax to an article for the

_Commandor_? Lord, how utterly impossible it was for me to keep my head

above water, no matter how much I tried! I stayed there for the space

of an hour. The constable went his way. The cold began to get too

intense for me to keep still. Disheartened and despondent over this

abortive effort, I opened the door again, and went up to my room.

It was cold up there, and I could barely see my window for the intense

darkness. I felt my towards the bed, pulled off my shoes, and set about

warming my feet between my hands. Then I lay down, as I had done for a

long time now, with all my clothes on.

The following morning I sat up in bed as soon as it got light, and set

to work at the essay once more. I sat thus till noon; I had succeeded

by then in getting ten, perhaps twenty lines down, and still I had not

found an ending.

I rose, put on my shoes, and began to walk up and down the floor to try

and warm myself. I looked out; there was rime on the window; it was

snowing. Down in the yard a thick layer of snow covered the

paving-stones and the top of the pump. I bustled about the room, took

aimless turns to and fro, scratched the wall with my nail, leant my

head carefully against the door for a while, tapped with my forefinger

on the floor, and then listened attentively, all without any object,

but quietly and pensively as if it were some matter of importance in

which I was engaged; and all the while I murmured aloud, time upon

time, so that I could hear my own voice.

But, great God, surely this is madness! and yet I kept on just as

before. After a long time, perhaps a couple of hours, I pulled myself

sharply together, bit my lips, and manned myself as well as I could.

There must be an end to this! I found a splinter to chew, and set

myself resolutely to again.

A couple of short sentences formed themselves with much trouble, a

score of poor words which I tortured forth with might and main to try

and advance a little. Then I stopped, my head was barren; I was

incapable of more. And, as I could positively not go on, I set myself

to gaze with wide open eyes at these last words, this unfinished sheet

of paper; I stared at these strange, shaky letters that bristled up

from the paper like small hairy creeping things, till at last I could

neither make head nor tail of any of it. I thought on nothing.

Time went; I heard the traffic in the street, the rattle of cars and

tramp of hoofs. Jens Olaj's voice ascended towards me from the stables

as he chid the horses. I was perfectly stunned. I sat and moistened my

lips a little, but otherwise made no effort to do anything; my chest

was in a pitiful state. The dusk closed in; I sank more and more

together, grew weary, and lay down on the bed again. In order to warm

my fingers a little I stroked them through my hair backwards and

forwards and crosswise. Small loose tufts came away, flakes that got

between my fingers, and scattered over the pillow. I did not think

anything about it just then; it was as if it did not concern me. I had

hair enough left, anyway. I tried afresh to shake myself out of this

strange daze that enveloped my whole being like a mist. I sat up,

struck my knees with my flat hands, laughed as hard as my sore chest

permitted me--only to collapse again. Naught availed; I was dying

helplessly, with my eyes wide open--staring straight up at the roof. At

length I stuck my forefinger in my mouth, and took to sucking it.

Something stirred in my brain, a thought that bored its way in there--a

stark-mad notion.

Supposing I were to take a bite? And without a moment's reflection, I

shut my eyes, and clenched my teeth on it.

I sprang up. At last I was thoroughly awake. A little blood trickled

from it, and I licked it as it came. It didn't hurt very much, neither

was the wound large, but I was brought at one bound to my senses. I

shook my head, went to the window, where I found a rag, and wound it

round the sore place. As I stood and busied myself with this, my eyes

filled with tears; I cried softly to myself. This poor thin finger

looked so utterly pitiable. God in Heaven! what a pass it had come to

now with me! The gloom grew closer. It was, maybe, not impossible that

I might work up my finale through the course of the evening, if I only

had a candle. My head was clear once more. Thoughts came and went as

usual, and I did not suffer particularly; I did not even feel hunger so

badly as some hours previously. I could hold out well till the next

day. Perhaps I might be able to get a candle on credit, if I applied to

the provision shop and explained my situation--I was so well known in

there; in the good old days, when I had the means to do it, I used to

buy many a loaf there. There was no doubt I could raise a candle on the

strength of my honest name; and for the first time for ages I took to

brushing my clothes a little, got rid as well as the darkness allowed

me of the loose hairs on my collar, and felt my way down the stairs.

When I got outside in the street it occurred to me that I might perhaps

rather ask for a loaf. I grew irresolute, and stopped to consider. "On

no account," I replied to myself at last; I was unfortunately not in a

condition to bear food. It would only be a repetition of the same old

story--visions, and presentiments, and mad notions. My article would

never get finished, and it was a question of going to the "Commandor"

before he had time to forget me. On no account whatever! and I decided

upon the candle. With that I entered the shop.

A woman is standing at the counter making purchases; several small

parcels in different sorts of paper are lying in front of her. The

shopman, who knows me, and knows what I usually buy, leaves the woman,

and packs without much ado a loaf in a piece of paper and shoves it

over to me.

"No, thank you, it was really a candle I wanted this evening," I say. I

say it very quietly and humbly, in order not to vex him and spoil my

chance of getting what I want.

My answer confuses him; he turns quite cross at my unexpected words; it

was the first time I had ever demanded anything but a loaf from him.

"Well then, you must wait a while," he says at last, and busies himself

with the woman's parcels again.

She receives her wares and pays for them---gives him a florin, out of

which she gets the change, and goes out. Now the shop-boy and I are

alone. He says:

"So it was a candle you wanted, eh?" He tears open a package, and takes

one out for me. He looks at me, and I look at him; I can't get my

request over my lips.

"Oh yes, that's true; you paid, though!" he says suddenly. He simply

asserts that I had paid. I heard every word, and he begins to count

some silver out of the till, coin after coin, shining stout pieces. He

gives me back change for a crown.

"Much obliged," he says.

Now I stand and look at these pieces of money for a second. I am

conscious something is wrong somewhere. I do not reflect; do not think

about anything at all--I am simply struck of a heap by all this wealth

which is lying glittering before my eyes--and I gather up the money

mechanically.

I stand outside the counter, stupid with amazement, dumb, paralyzed. I

take a stride towards the door, and stop again. I turn my eyes upon a

certain spot in the wall, where a little bell is suspended to a leather

collar, and underneath this a bundle of string, and I stand and stare

at these things.

The shop-boy is struck by the idea that I want to have a chat as I take

my time so leisurely, and says, as he tidies a lot of wrapping-papers

strewn over the counter:

"It looks as if we were going to have winter snow!"

"Humph! Yes," I reply; "it looks as if we were going to have winter in

earnest now; it looks like it," and a while after, I add: "Ah, well, it

is none too soon."

I could hear myself speak, but each word I uttered struck my ear as if

it were coming from another person. I spoke absolutely unwittingly,

involuntarily, without being conscious of myself.

"Oh, do you think so?" says the boy.

I thrust the hand with the money into my pocket, turned the

door-handle, and left. I could hear that I said good-night, and that

the shop-boy replied to me.

I had gone a few paces away from the shop when the shop-door was torn

open, and the boy called after me. I turned round without any

astonishment, without a trace of fear; I only collected the money into

my hand, and prepared to give it back.

"Beg pardon, you've forgotten your candle," says the boy.

"Ah, thanks," I answered quietly. "Thanks, thanks"; and I strolled on,

down the street, bearing it in my hand.

My first sensible thought referred to the money. I went over to a

lamp-post, counted it, weighed it in my hand, and smiled. So, in spite

of all, I was helped--extraordinarily, grandly, incredibly

helped--helped for a long, long time; and I thrust my hand with the

money into my pocket, and walked on.

Outside an eating-house in Grand Street I stopped, and turned over in

my mind, calmly and quietly, if I should venture so soon to take a

little refreshment. I could hear the rattle of knives and plates

inside, and the sound of meat being pounded. The temptation was too

strong for me--I entered.

"A helping of beef," I say.

"One beef!" calls the waitress down through the door to the lift.

I sat down by myself at a little table next to the door, and prepared

to wait. It was somewhat dark where I was sitting, and I felt tolerably

well concealed, and set myself to have a serious think. Every now and

then the waitress glanced over at me inquiringly. My first downright

dishonesty was accomplished--my first theft. Compared to this, all my

earlier escapades were as nothing--my first great fall.... Well and

good! There was no help for it. For that matter, it was open to me to

settle it with the shopkeeper later on, on a more opportune occasion.

It need not go any farther with me. Besides that, I had not taken upon

myself to live more honourably than all the other folk; there was no

contract that....

"Do you think that beef will soon be here?"

"Yes; immediately"; the waitress opens the trapdoor, and looks down

into the kitchen.

But suppose the affair did crop up some day? If the shop-boy were to

get suspicious and begin to think over the transaction about the bread,

and the florin of which the woman got the change? It was not impossible

that he would discover it some day, perhaps the next time I went there.

Well, then, Lord!... I shrugged my shoulders unobserved.

"If you please," says the waitress, kindly placing the beef on the

table, "wouldn't you rather go to another compartment, it's so dark

here?"

"No, thanks; just let me be here," I reply; her kindliness touches me

at once. I pay for the beef on the spot, put whatever change remains

into her hand, close her fingers over it. She smiles, and I say in fun,

with the tears near my ears, "There, you're to have the balance to buy

yourself a farm.... Ah, you're very welcome to it."

I commenced to eat, got more and more greedy I as I did so, swallowed

whole pieces without chewing them, enjoyed myself in an animal-like way

at every mouthful, and tore at the meat like a cannibal.

The waitress came over to me again.

"Will you have anything to drink?" she asks, bending down a little

towards me. I looked at her. She spoke very low, almost shyly, and

dropped her eyes. "I mean a glass of ale, or whatever you like best ...

from me ... without ... that is, if you will...."

"No; many thanks," I answer. "Not now; I shall come back another time."

She drew back, and sat down at the desk. I could only see her head.

What a singular creature!

When finished, I made at once for the door. I felt nausea already. The

waitress got up. I was afraid to go near the light--afraid to show

myself too plainly to the young girl, who never for a moment suspected

the depth of my misery; so I wished her a hasty good-night, bowed to

her, and left.

The food commenced to take effect. I suffered much from it, and could

not keep it down for any length of time. I had to empty my mouth a

little at every dark corner I came to. I struggled to master this

nausea which threatened to hollow me out anew, clenched my hands, and

tried to fight it down; stamped on the pavement, and gulped down

furiously whatever sought to come up. All in vain. I sprang at last

into a doorway, doubled up, head foremost, blinded with the water which

gushed from my eyes, and vomited once more. I was seized with

bitterness, and wept as I went along the street.... I cursed the cruel

powers, whoever they might be, that persecuted me so, consigned them to

hell's damnation and eternal torments for their petty persecution.

There was but little chivalry in fate, really little enough chivalry;

one was forced to admit that.

I went over to a man staring into a shop-window, and asked him in great

haste what, according to his opinion, should one give a man who had

been starving for a long time. It was a matter of life and death, I

said; he couldn't even keep beef down.

"I have heard say that milk is a good thing--hot milk," answered the

man, astonished. "Who is it, by the way, you are asking for?"

"Thanks, thanks," I say; "that idea of hot milk might not be half a bad

notion;" and I go.

I entered the first café I came to going along, and asked for some

boiled milk. I got the milk, drank it down, hot as it was, swallowed it

greedily, every drop, paid for it, and went out again. I took the road

home.

Now something singular happened. Outside my door, leaning against the

lamp-post, and right under the glare of it, stands a person of whom I

get a glimpse from a long distance--it is the lady dressed in black

again. The same black-clad lady of the other evenings. There could be

no mistake about it; she had turned up at the same spot for the fourth

time. She is standing perfectly motionless. I find this so peculiar

that I involuntarily slacken my pace. At this moment my thoughts are in

good working order, but I am much excited; my nerves are irritated by

my last meal. I pass her by as usual; am almost at the door and on the

point of entering. There I stop. All of a sudden an inspiration seizes

me. Without rendering myself any account of it, I turn round and go

straight up to the lady, look her in the face, and bow.

"Good-evening."

"Good-evening," she answers.

Excuse me, was she looking for anything? I had noticed her before;

could I be of assistance to her in any way? begged pardon, by-the-way,

so earnestly for inquiring.

Yes; she didn't quite know....

No one lived inside that door besides three or four horses and myself;

it was, for that matter, only a stable and a tinker's workshop.... She

was certainly on a wrong track if she was seeking any one there.

At this she turns her head away, and says: "I am not seeking for

anybody. I am only standing here; it was really only a whim. I" ... she

stops.

Indeed, really, she only stood there, just stood there, evening after

evening, just for a whim's sake!

That was a little odd. I stood and pondered over it, and it perplexed

me more and more. I made up my mind to be daring; I jingled my money in

my pocket, and asked her, without further ado, to come and have a glass

of wine some place or another ... in consideration that winter had

come, ha, ha! ... it needn't take very long ... but perhaps she would

scarcely....

Ah, no, thanks; she couldn't well do that. No! she couldn't do that;

but would I be so kind as to accompany her a little way? She ... it was

rather dark to go home now, and she was rather nervous about going up

Carl Johann after it got so late.

We moved on; she walked at my right side. A strange, beautiful feeling

empowered me; the certainty of being near a young girl. I looked at her

the whole way along. The scent of her hair; the warmth that irradiated

from her body; the perfume of woman that accompanied her; the sweet

breath every time she turned her face towards me--everything penetrated

in an ungovernable way through all my senses. So far, I just caught a

glimpse of a full, rather pale, face behind the veil, and a high bosom

that curved out against her cape. The thought of all the hidden beauty

which I surmised lay sheltered under the cloak and veil bewildered me,

making me idiotically happy without any reasonable grounds. I could not

endure it any longer; I touched her with my hand, passed my fingers

over her shoulder, and smiled imbecilely.

"How queer you are," said I.

"Am I, really; in what way?"

Well, in the first place, simply, she had a habit of standing outside a

stable door, evening after evening, without any object whatever, just

for a whim's sake....

Oh, well, she might have her reason for doing so; besides, she liked

staying up late at night; it was a thing she had always had a great

fancy for. Did I care about going to bed before twelve?

I? If there was anything in the world I hated it was to go to bed

before twelve o'clock at night.

Ah, there, you see! She, too, was just the same; she took this little

tour in the evenings when she had nothing to lose by doing so. She

lived up in St. Olav's Place.

"Ylajali," I cried.

"I beg pardon?"

"I only said 'Ylajali' ... it's all right. Continue...."

She lived up in St. Olav's Place, lonely enough, together with her

mother, to whom one couldn't talk because she was so deaf. Was there

anything odd in her liking to get out for a little?

"No, not at all," I replied.

"No? well, what then?"

I could hear by her voice that she was smiling.

Hadn't she a sister?

Yes; an older sister. But, by-the-way, how did I know that? She had

gone to Hamburg.

"Lately?"

"Yes; five weeks ago." From where did I learn that she had a sister?

I didn't learn it at all; I only asked.

We kept silence. A man passes us, with a pair of shoes under his arm;

otherwise, the street is empty as far as we can see. Over at the Tivoli

a long row of coloured lamps are burning. It no longer snows; the sky

is clear.

"Gracious! don't you freeze without an overcoat?" inquires the lady,

suddenly looking at me.

Should I tell her why I had no overcoat; make my sorry condition known

at once, and frighten her away? As well first as last. Still, it was

delightful to walk here at her side and keep her in ignorance yet a

while longer. So I lied. I answered:

"No, not at all"; and, in order to change the subject, I asked, "Have

you seen the menagerie in the Tivoli?"

"No," she answered; "is there really anything to see?"

Suppose she were to take it into her head to wish to go there? Into

that blaze of light, with the crowd of people. Why, she would be filled

with shame; I would drive her out again, with my shabby clothes, and

lean face; perhaps she might even notice that I had no waistcoat on....

"Ah, no; there is sure to be nothing worth seeing!"

And a lot of happy ideas occurred to me, of which I at once made use; a

few sparse words, fragments left in my dessicated brain. What would one

expect from such a small menagerie? On the whole, it did not interest

me in the least to see animals in cases. These animals know that one is

standing staring at them; they feel hundreds of inquisitive looks upon

them; are conscious of them. No; I would prefer to see animals that

didn't know one observed them; shy creatures that nestle in their lair,

and lie with sluggish green eyes, and lick their claws, and muse, eh?

Yes; I was certainly right in that.

It was only animals in all their peculiar fearfulness and peculiar

savagery that possessed a charm. The soundless, stealthy tread in the

total darkness of night; the hidden monsters of the woods; the shrieks

of a bird flying past; the wind, the smell of blood, the rumbling in

space; in short, the reigning spirit of the kingdom of savage creatures

hovering over savagery ... the unconscious poetry!... But I was afraid

this bored her. The consciousness of my great poverty seized me anew,

and crushed me. If I had only been in any way well-enough dressed to

have given her the pleasure of this little tour in the Tivoli! I could

not make out this creature, who could find pleasure in letting herself

be accompanied up the whole of Carl Johann Street by a half-naked

beggar. What, in the name of God, was she thinking of? And why was I

walking there, giving myself airs, and smiling idiotically at nothing?

Had I any reasonable cause, either, for letting myself be worried into

a long walk by this dainty, silken-clad bird? Mayhap it did not cost me

an effort? Did I not feel the ice of death go right into my heart at

even the gentlest puff of wind that blew against us? Was not madness

running riot in my brain, just for lack of food for many months at a

stretch? Yet she hindered me from going home to get even a little milk

into my parched mouth; a spoonful of sweet milk, that I might perhaps

be able to keep down. Why didn't she turn her back on me, and let me go

to the deuce?...

I became distracted; my despair reduced me to the last extremity. I

said:

"Considering all things, you ought not to walk with me. I disgrace you

right under every one's eyes, if only with my clothes. Yes, it is

positively true; I mean it."

She starts, looks up quickly at me, and is silent; then she exclaims

suddenly:

"Indeed, though!" More she doesn't say.

"What do you mean by that?" I queried.

"Ugh, no; you make me feel ashamed.... We have not got very far now";

and she walked on a little faster.

We turned up University Street, and could already see the lights in St.

Olav's Place. Then she commenced to walk slowly again.

"I have no wish to be indiscreet," I say; "but won't you tell me your

name before we part? and won't you, just for one second, lift up your

veil so that I can see you? I would be really so grateful."

A pause. I walked on in expectation.

"You have seen me before," she replies.

"Ylajali," I say again.

"Beg pardon. You followed me once for half-a-day, almost right home.

Were you tipsy that time?"

I could hear again that she smiled.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, worse luck, I was tipsy that time."

"That was horrid of you!"

And I admitted contritely that it was horrid of me.

We reached the fountains; we stop and look up at the many lighted

windows of No. 2.

"Now, you mustn't come any farther with me," she says. "Thank you for

coming so far."

I bowed; I daren't say anything; I took off my hat and stood

bareheaded. I wonder if she will give me her hand.

"Why don't you ask me to go back a little way with you?" she asks, in a

low voice, looking down at the toe of her shoe.

"Great Heavens!" I reply, beside myself, "Great Heavens, if you only

would!"

"Yes; but only a little way."

And we turned round.

I was fearfully confused. I absolutely did not know if I were on my

head or my heels. This creature upset all my chain of reasoning; turned

it topsy-turvy. I was bewitched and extraordinarily happy. It seemed to

me as if I were being dragged enchantingly to destruction. She had

expressly willed to go back; it wasn't my notion, it was her own

desire. I walk on and look at her, and get more and more bold. She

encourages me, draws me to her by each word she speaks. I forget for a

moment my poverty, my humble position, my whole miserable condition. I

feel my blood course madly through my whole body, as in the days before

I caved in, and resolved to feel my way by a little ruse.

"By-the-way, it wasn't you I followed that time," said I. "It was your

sister."

"Was it my sister?" she questions, in the highest degree amazed. She

stands still, looks up at me, and positively waits for an answer. She

puts the question in all sober earnest.

"Yes," I replied. "Hum--m, that is to say, it was the younger of the

two ladies who went on in front of me."

"The youngest, eh? eh? a-a-ha!" she laughed out all at once, loudly,

heartily, like a child. "Oh, how sly you are; you only said that just

to get me to raise my veil, didn't you? Ah, I thought so; but you may

just wait till you are blue first ... just for punishment."

We began to laugh and jest; we talked incessantly all the time. I do

not know what I said, I was so happy. She told me that she had seen me

once before, a long time ago, in the theatre. I had then comrades with

me, and I behaved like a madman; I must certainly have been tipsy that

time too, more's the shame.

Why did she think that?

Oh, I had laughed so.

"Really, a-ah yes; I used to laugh a lot in those days."

"But now not any more?"

"Oh yes; now too. It is a splendid thing to exist sometimes."

We reached Carl Johann. She said: "Now we won't go any farther," and we

returned through University Street. When we arrived at the fountain

once more I slackened my pace a little; I knew that I could not go any

farther with her.

"Well, now you must turn back here," she said, and stopped.

"Yes, I suppose I must."

But a second after she thought I might as well go as far as the door

with her. Gracious me, there couldn't be anything wrong in that, could

there?

"No," I replied.

But when we were standing at the door all my misery confronted me

clearly. How was one to keep up one's courage when one was so broken

down? Here I stood before a young lady, dirty, ragged, torn, disfigured

by hunger, unwashed, and only half-clad; it was enough to make one sink

into the earth. I shrank into myself, bent my head involuntarily, and

said:

"May I not meet you any more then?"

I had no hope of being permitted to see her again. I almost wished for

a sharp No, that would pull me together a bit and render me callous.

"Yes," she whispered softly, almost inaudibly.

"When?"

"I don't know."

A pause....

"Won't you be so kind as to lift your veil, only just for a minute," I

asked. "So that I can see whom I have been talking to. Just for one

moment, for indeed I must see whom I have been talking to."

Another pause....

"You can meet me outside here on Tuesday evening," she said. "Will you?"

"Yes, dear lady, if I have permission to."

"At eight o'clock."

"Very well."

I stroked down her cloak with my hand, merely to have an excuse for

touching her. It was a delight to me to be so near her.

"And you mustn't think all too badly of me," she added; she was smiling

again.

"No."

Suddenly she made a resolute movement and drew her veil up over her

forehead; we stood and gazed at one another for a second.

"Ylajali!" I cried. She stretched herself up, flung her arms round my

neck and kissed me right on the mouth--only once, swiftly,

bewilderingly swiftly, right on the mouth. I could feel how her bosom

heaved; she was breathing violently. She wrenched herself suddenly out

of my clasp, called a good-night, breathlessly, whispering, and turned

and ran up the stairs without a word more....

The hall door shut.

* * * * *

It snowed still more the next day, a heavy snow mingled with rain;

great wet flakes that fell to earth and were turned to mud. The air was

raw and icy. I woke somewhat late, with my head in a strange state of

confusion, my heart intoxicated from the foregone evening by the

agitation of that delightful meeting. In my rapture (I had lain a while

awake and fancied Ylajali at my side) I spread out my arms and embraced

myself and kissed the air. At length I dragged myself out of bed and

procured a fresh cup of milk, and straight on top of that a plate of

beef. I was no longer hungry, but my nerves were in a highly-strung

condition.

I went off to the clothes-shop in the bazaar. It occurred to me that I

might pick up a second-hand waistcoat cheaply, something to put on

under my coat; it didn't matter what.

I went up the steps to the bazaar and took hold of one and began to

examine it.

While I was thus engaged an acquaintance came by; he nodded and called

up to me. I let the waistcoat hang and went down to him. He was a

designer, and was on the way to his office.

"Come with me and have a glass of beer," he said. "But hurry up, I

haven't much time.... What lady was that you were walking with

yesterday evening?"

"Listen here now," said I, jealous of his bare thought. "Supposing it

was my _fiancée_."

"By Jove!" he exclaimed.

"Yes; it was all settled yesterday evening."

This nonplussed him completely. He believed me implicitly. I lied in

the most accomplished manner to get rid of him. We ordered the beer,

drank it, and left.

"Well, good-bye! O listen," he said suddenly. "I owe you a few

shillings. It is a shame, too, that I haven't paid you long ago, but

now you shall have them during the next few days."

"Yes, thanks," I replied; but I knew that he would never pay me back

the few shillings. The beer, I am sorry to say, went almost immediately

to my head. The thought of the previous evening's adventure overwhelmed

me--made me delirious. Supposing she were not to meet me on Tuesday!

Supposing she were to begin to think things over, to get suspicious ...

get suspicious of what?... My thoughts gave a jerk and dwelt upon the

money. I grew afraid; deadly afraid of myself. The theft rushed in upon

me in all its details. I saw the little shop, the counter, my lean

hands as I seized the money, and I pictured to myself the line of

action the police would adopt when they would come to arrest me. Irons

on my hands and feet; no, only on my hands; perhaps only on one hand.

The dock, the clerk taking down the evidence, the scratch of his

pen--perhaps he might take a new one for the occasion--his look, his

threatening look. There, Herr Tangen, to the cell, the eternally

dark....

Humph! I clenched my hands tightly to try and summon courage, walked

faster and faster, and came to the market-place. There I sat down.

Now, no child's play. How in the wide world could any one prove that I

had stolen? Besides, the huckster's boy dare not give an alarm, even if

it should occur to him some day how it had all happened. He valued his

situation far too dearly for that. No noise, no scenes, may I beg!

But all the same, this money weighed in my pocket sinfully, and gave me

no peace. I began to question myself, and I became clearly convinced

that I had been happier before, during the period in which I had

suffered in all honour. And Ylajali? Had I, too, not polluted her with

the touch of my sinful hands? Lord, O Lord my God, Ylajali! I felt as

drunk as a bat, jumped up suddenly, and went straight over to the cake

woman who was sitting near the chemist's under the sign of the

elephant. I might even yet lift myself above dishonour; it was far from

being too late; I would show the whole world that I was capable of

doing so.

On the way over I got the money in readiness, held every farthing of it

in my hand, bent down over the old woman's table as if I wanted

something, clapped the money without further ado into her hands. I

spoke not a word, turned on my heel, and went my way.

What a wonderful savour there was in feeling oneself an honest man once

more! My empty pockets troubled me no longer; it was simply a

delightful feeling to me to be cleaned out. When I weighed the whole

matter thoroughly, this money had in reality cost me much secret

anguish; I had really thought about it with dread and shuddering time

upon time. I was no hardened soul; my honourable nature rebelled

against such a low action. God be praised, I had raised myself in my

own estimation again! "Do as I have done!" I said to myself, looking

across the thronged market-place--"only just do as I have done!" I had

gladdened a poor old cake vendor to such good purpose that she was

perfectly dumbfounded. Tonight her children wouldn't go hungry to

bed.... I buoyed myself up with these reflections and considered that I

had behaved in a most exemplary manner. God be praised! The money was

out of my hands now!

Tipsy and nervous, I wandered down the street, and swelled with

satisfaction. The joy of being able to meet Ylajali cleanly and

honourably, and of feeling I could look her in the face, ran away with

me. I was not conscious of any pain. My head was clear and buoyant; it

was as if it were a head of mere light that rested and gleamed on my

shoulders. I felt inclined to play the wildest pranks, to do something

astounding, to set the whole town in a ferment. All up through

Graendsen I conducted myself like a madman. There was a buzzing in my

ears, and intoxication ran riot in my brains. The whim seized me to go

and tell my age to a commissionaire, who, by-the-way, had not addressed

a word to me; to take hold of his hands, and gaze impressively in his

face, and leave him again without any explanation. I distinguished

every nuance in the voice and laughter of the passers-by, observed some

little birds that hopped before me in the street, took to studying the

expression of the paving-stones, and discovered all sorts of tokens and

signs in them. Thus occupied, I arrive at length at Parliament Place. I

stand all at once stock-still, and look at the droskes; the drivers are

wandering about, chatting and laughing. The horses hang their heads and

cower in the bitter weather. "Go ahead!" I say, giving myself a dig

with my elbow. I went hurriedly over to the first vehicle, and got in.

"Ullevoldsveien, No. 37," I called out, and we rolled off.

On the way the driver looked round, stooped and peeped several times

into the trap, where I sat, sheltered underneath the hood. Had he, too,

grown suspicious? There was no doubt of it; my miserable attire had

attracted his attention.

"I want to meet a man," I called to him, in order to be beforehand with

him, and I explained gravely that I must really meet this man. We stop

outside 37, and I jump out, spring up the stairs right to the third

storey, seize a bell, and pull it. It gives six or seven fearful peals

inside.

A maid comes out and opens the door. I notice that she has round, gold

drops in her ears, and black stuff buttons on her grey bodice. She

looks at me with a frightened air.

I inquire for Kierulf--Joachim Kierulf, if I might add further--a

wool-dealer; in short, not a man one could make a mistake about....

The girl shook her head. "No Kierulf lives here," said she.

She stared at me, and held the door ready to close it. She made no

effort to find the man for me. She really looked as if she knew the

person I inquired for, if she would only take the trouble to reflect a

bit. The lazy jade! I got vexed, turned my back on her, and ran

downstairs again.

"He wasn't there," I called to the driver.

"Wasn't he there?"

"No. Drive to Tomtegaden, No. 11." I was in a state of the most violent

excitement, and imparted something of the same feeling to the driver.

He evidently thought it was a matter of life and death, and he drove

on, without further ado. He whipped up the horse sharply.

"What's the man's name?" he inquired, turning round on the box.

"Kierulf, a dealer in wool--Kierulf."

And the driver, too, thought this was a man one would not be likely to

make any mistake about.

"Didn't he generally wear a light morning, coat?"

"What!" I cried; "a light morning-coat? Are you mad? Do you think it is

a tea-cup I am inquiring about?" This light morning-coat came most

inopportunely; it spoilt the whole man for me such as I had fancied him.

"What was it you said he was called?--Kierulf?"

"Of course," I replied. "Is there anything wonderful in that? The name

doesn't disgrace any one."

"Hasn't he red hair?"

Well, it was quite possible that he had red hair, and now that the

driver mentioned the matter, I was suddenly convinced that he was

right. I felt grateful to the poor driver, and hastened to inform him

that he had hit the man off to a T--he really was just as he described

him,--and I remarked, in addition, that it would be a phenomenon to see

such a man without red hair.

"It must be him I drove a couple of times," said the driver; "he had a

knobbed stick."

This brought the man vividly before me, and I said, "Ha, ha! I suppose

no one has ever yet seen the man without a knobbed stick in his hand,

of that you can be certain, quite certain."

Yes, it was clear that it was the same man he had driven. He recognized

him--and he drove so that the horse's shoes struck sparks as they

touched the stones.

All through this phase of excitement I had not for one second lost my

presence of mind. We pass a policeman, and I notice his number is 69.

This number struck me with such vivid clearness that it penetrated like

a splint into my brain--69--accurately 69. I wouldn't forget it.

I leant back in the vehicle, a prey to the wildest fancies; crouched

under the hood so that no one could see me. I moved my lips and

commenced to I talk idiotically to myself. Madness rages through my

brain, and I let it rage. I am fully conscious that I am succumbing to

influences over which I have no control. I begin to laugh, silently,

passionately, without a trace of cause, still merry and intoxicated

from the couple of glasses of ale I have drunk. Little by little my

excitement abates, my calm returns more and more to me. I feel the cold

in my sore finger, and I stick it down inside my collar to warm it a

little. At length we reach Tomtegaden. The driver pulls up.

I alight, without any haste, absently, listlessly, with my head heavy.

I go through a gateway and come into a yard across which I pass. I come

to a door which I open and pass through; I find myself in a lobby, a

sort of anteroom, with two windows. There are two boxes in it, one on

top of the other, in one corner, and against the wall an old, painted

sofa-bed over which a rug is spread. To the right, in the next room, I

hear voices and the cry of a child, and above me, on the second floor,

the sound of an iron plate being hammered. All this I notice the moment

as I enter.

I step quietly across the room to the opposite door without any haste,

without any thought of flight; open it, too, and come out in

Vognmansgaden. I look up at the house through which I have passed.

"Refreshment and lodgings for travellers."

It is not my intention to escape, to steal away from the driver who is

waiting for me. I go very coolly down Vognmansgaden, without fear of

being conscious of doing any wrong. Kierulf, this dealer in wool, who

has spooked in my brain so long--this creature in whose existence I

believe, and whom it was of vital importance that I should meet--had

vanished from my memory; was wiped out with many other mad whims which

came and went in turns. I recalled him no longer, except as a

reminiscence--a phantom.

In measure, as I walked on, I become more and more sober; felt languid

and weary, and dragged my legs after me. The snow still fell in great

moist flakes. At last I reached Gronland; far out, near the church, I

sat down to rest on a seat. All the passers-by looked at me with much

astonishment. I fell a-thinking.

Thou good God, what a miserable plight I have come to! I was so

heartily tired and weary of all my miserable life that I did not find

it worth the trouble of fighting any longer to preserve it. Adversity

had gained the upper hand; it had been too strong for me. I had become

so strangely poverty-stricken and broken, a mere shadow of what I once

had been; my shoulders were sunken right down on one side, and I had

contracted a habit of stooping forward fearfully as I walked, in order

to spare my chest what little I could. I had examined my body a few

days ago, one noon up in my room, and I had stood and cried over it the

whole time. I had worn the same shirt for many weeks, and it was quite

stiff with stale sweat, and had chafed my skin. A little blood and

water ran out of the sore place; it did not hurt much, but it was very

tiresome to have this tender place in the middle of my stomach. I had

no remedy for it, and it wouldn't heal of its own accord. I washed it,

dried it carefully, and put on the same shirt. There was no help for

it, it....

I sit there on the bench and ponder over all this, and am sad enough. I

loathe myself. My very hands seem distasteful to me; the loose, almost

coarse, expression of the backs of them pains me, disgusts me. I feel

myself rudely affected by the sight of my lean fingers. I hate the

whole of my gaunt, shrunken body, and shrink from bearing it, from

feeling it envelop me. Lord, if the whole thing would come to an end

now, I would heartily, gladly die!

Completely worsted, soiled, defiled, and debased in my own estimation,

I rose mechanically and commenced to turn my steps homewards. On the

way I passed a door, upon which the following was to be read on a

plate--"Winding-sheets to be had at Miss Andersen's, door to the

right." Old memories! I muttered, as my thoughts flew back to my former

room in Hammersborg. The little rocking-chair, the newspapers near the

door, the lighthouse director's announcement, and Fabian Olsen, the

baker's new-baked bread. Ah yes; times were better with me then than

now; one night I had written a tale for ten shillings, now I couldn't

write anything. My head grew light as soon as ever I attempted it. Yes,

I would put an end to it now; and I went on and on.

As I got nearer and nearer to the provision shop, I had the

half-conscious feeling of approaching a danger, but I determined to

stick to my purpose; I would give myself up. I ran quickly up the

steps. At the door I met a little girl who was carrying a cup in her

hands, and I slipped past her and opened the door. The shop boy and I

stand face to face alone for the second time.

"Well!" he exclaims; "fearfully bad weather now, isn't it?" What did

this going round the bush signify? Why didn't he seize me at once? I

got furious, and cried:

"Oh, I haven't come to prate about the weather."

This violent preliminary takes him aback; his little huckster brain

fails him. It has never even occurred to him that I have cheated him of

five shillings.

"Don't you know, then, that I have swindled you?" I query impatiently,

and I breathe quickly with the excitement; I tremble and am ready to

use force if he doesn't come to the point.

But the poor man has no misgivings.

Well, bless my soul, what stupid creatures one has to mix with in this

world! I abuse him, explain to him every detail as to how it had all

happened, show him where the fact was accomplished, where the money had

lain; how I had gathered it up in my hand and closed my fingers over

it--and he takes it all in and does nothing. He shifts uneasily from

one foot to the other, listens for footsteps in the next room, make

signs to hush me, to try and make me speak lower, and says at last:

"It was a mean enough thing of you to do!"

"No; hold on," I explained in my desire to contradict him--to aggravate

him. It wasn't quite so mean as he imagined it to be, in his huckster

head. Naturally, I didn't keep the money; that could never have entered

my head. I, for my part, scorned to derive any benefit from it--that

was opposed to my thoroughly honest nature.

"What did you do with it, then?"

"I gave it away to a poor old woman--every farthing of it." He must

understand that that was the sort of person I was; I didn't forget the

poor so....

He stands and thinks over this a while, becomes manifestly very dubious

as to how far I am an honest man or not. At last he says:

"Oughtn't you rather to have brought it back again?"

"Now, listen here," I reply; "I didn't want to get you into trouble in

any way; but that is the thanks one gets for being generous. Here I

stand and explain the whole thing to you, and you simply, instead of

being ashamed as a dog, make no effort to settle the dispute with me.

Therefore I wash my hands of you, and as for the rest, I say, 'The

devil take you!' Good-day."

I left, slamming the door behind me. But when I got home to my room,

into the melancholy hole, wet through from the soft snow, trembling in

my knees from the day's wanderings, I dismounted instantly from my high

horse, and sank together once more.

I regretted my attack upon the poor shop-boy, wept, clutched myself by

the throat to punish myself for my miserable trick, and behaved like a

lunatic. He had naturally been in the most deadly terror for the sake

of his situation; he had not dared to make any fuss about the five

shillings that were lost to the business, and I had taken advantage of

his fear, had tortured him with my violent address, stabbed him with

every loud word that I had roared out. And the master himself had

perhaps been sitting inside the inner room, almost within an ace of

feeling called upon to come out and inquire what was the row. No, there

was no longer any limit to the low things I might be tempted to do.

Well, why hadn't I been locked up? then it would have come to an end. I

would almost have stretched out my wrists for the handcuffs. I would

not have offered the slightest resistance; on the contrary, I would

have assisted them. Lord of Heaven and Earth! one day of my life for

one happy second again! My whole life for a mess of lentils! Hear me

only this once!...

I lay down in the wet clothes I had on, with a vague idea that I might

die during the night. And I used my last strength to tidy up my bed a

little, so that it might appear a little orderly about me in the

morning. I folded my hands and chose my position.

All at once I remember Ylajali. To think that I could have forgotten

her the entire evening through! And light forces its way ever so

faintly into my spirit again--a little ray of sunshine that makes me so

blessedly warm; and gradually more sun comes, a rare, silken, balmy

light that caresses me with soothing loveliness. And the sun grows

stronger and stronger, burns sharply in my temples, seethes fiercely

and glowingly in my emaciated brain. And at last, a maddening pyre of

rays flames up before my eyes; a heaven and earth in conflagration men

and beasts of fire, mountains of fire, devils of fire, an abyss, a

wilderness, a hurricane, a universe in brazen ignition, a smoking,

smouldering day of doom!

And I saw and heard no more....

* * * * *

I woke in a sweat the next morning, moist all over, my whole body

bathed in dampness. The fever had laid violent hands on me. At first I

had no clear idea of what had happened to me; I looked about me in

amazement, felt a complete transformation of my being, absolutely

failed to recognize myself again. I felt along my own arms and down my

legs, was struck with astonishment that the window was where it was,

and not in the opposite wall; and I could hear the tramp of the horses'

feet in the yard below as if it came from above me. I felt rather sick,

too--qualmish.

My hair clung wet and cold about my forehead. I raised myself on my

elbow and looked at the pillow; damp hair lay on it, too, in patches.

My feet had swelled up in my shoes during the night, but they caused me

no pain, only I could not move my toes much, they were too stiff.

As the afternoon closed in, and it had already begun to grow a little

dusk, I got up out of bed and commenced to move about the room a

little. I felt my way with short, careful steps, taking care to keep my

balance and spare my feet as much as possible. I did not suffer much,

and I did not cry; neither was I, taking all into consideration, sad.

On the contrary, I was blissfully content. It did not strike me just

then that anything could be otherwise than it was.

Then I went out.

The only thing that troubled me a little, in spite of the nausea that

the thought of food inspired in me, was hunger. I commenced to be

sensible of a shameless appetite again; a ravenous lust of food, which

grew steadily worse and worse. It gnawed unmercifully in my breast;

carrying on a silent, mysterious work in there. It was as if a score of

diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed

for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a

little more, then lay quite still for a moment's space, and then began

afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty

spaces everywhere after them as they went on....

I was not ill, but faint; I broke into a sweat. I thought of going to

the market-place to rest a while, but the way was long and wearisome;

at last I had almost reached it. I stood at the corner of the market

and Market Street; the sweat ran down into my eyes and blinded me, and

I had just stopped in order to wipe it away a little. I did not notice

the place I was standing in; in fact, I did not think about it; the

noise around me was something frightful.

Suddenly a call rings out, a cold, sharp warning. I hear this cry--hear

it quite well, and I start nervously to one side, stepping as quickly

as my bad foot allows me to. A monster of a bread-van brushes past me,

and the wheel grazes my coat; I might perhaps have been a little

quicker if I had exerted myself. Well, there was no help for it; one

foot pained me, a couple of toes were crunched. I felt that they, as it

were, curled up in my shoes.

The driver reins in his horse with all his might. He turns round on the

van and inquires in a fright how it fares with me. Oh! it might have

been worse, far worse.... It was perhaps not so dangerous.... I didn't

think any bones were broken. Oh, pray....

I rushed over as quickly as I could to a seat; all these people who

stopped and stared at me abashed me. After all, it was no mortal blow;

comparatively speaking, I had got off luckily enough, as misfortune was

bound to come in my way. The worst thing was that my shoe was crushed

to pieces; the sole was torn loose at the toe. I help up my foot, and

saw blood inside the gap. Well, it wasn't intentional on either side;

it was not the man's purpose to make things worse for me than they

were; he looked much concerned about it. It was quite certain that if I

had begged him for a piece of bread out of his cart he would have given

it to me. He would certainly have given it to me gladly. God bless him

in return, wherever he is!...

I was terribly hungry, and I did not know what to do with myself and my

shameless appetite. I writhed from side to side on the seat, and bowed

my chest right down to my knees; I was almost distracted. When it got

dark I jogged along to the Town Hall--God knows how I got there--and

sat on the edge of the balustrade. I tore a pocket out of my coat and

took to chewing it; not with any defined object, but with dour mien and

unseeing eyes, staring straight into space. I could hear a group of

little children playing around near me, and perceive, in an instinctive

sort of way, some pedestrians pass me by; otherwise I observed nothing.

All at once, it enters my head to go to one of the meat bazaars

underneath me, and beg a piece of raw meat. I go straight along the

balustrade to the other side of the bazaar buildings, and descend the

steps. When I had nearly reached the stalls on the lower floor, I

called up the archway leading to the stairs, and made a threatening

backward gesture, as if I were talking to a dog up there, and boldly

addressed the first butcher I met.

"Ah, will you be kind enough to give me a bone for my dog?" I said;

"only a bone. There needn't be anything on it; it's just to give him

something to carry in his mouth."

I got the bone, a capital little bone, on which there still remained a

morsel of meat, and hid it under my coat. I thanked the man so heartily

that he looked at me in amazement.

"Oh, no need of thanks," said he.

"Oh yes; don't say that," I mumbled; "it is kindly done of you," and I

ascended the steps again.

My heart was throbbing violently in my breast. I sneaked into one of

the passages, where the forges are, as far in as I could go, and

stopped outside a dilapidated door leading to a back-yard. There was no

light to be seen anywhere, only blessed darkness all around me; and I

began to gnaw at the bone.

It had no taste; a rank smell of blood oozed from it, and I was forced

to vomit almost immediately. I tried anew. If I could only keep it

down, it would, in spite of all, have some effect. It was simply a

matter of forcing it to remain down there. But I vomited again. I grew

wild, bit angrily into the meat, tore off a morsel, and gulped it down

by sheer strength of will; and yet it was of no use. Just as soon as

the little fragments of meat became warm in my stomach up they came

again, worse luck. I clenched my hands in frenzy, burst into tears from

sheer helplessness, and gnawed away as one possessed. I cried, so that

the bone got wet and dirty with my tears, vomited, cursed and groaned

again, cried as if my heart would break, and vomited anew. I consigned

all the powers that be to the lowermost torture in the loudest voice.

Quiet--not a soul about--no light, no noise; I am in a state of the

most fearful excitement; I breathe hardly and audibly, and I cry with

gnashing teeth, each time that the morsel of meat, which might satisfy

me a little, comes up. As I find that, in spite of all my efforts, it

avails me naught, I cast the bone at the door. I am filled with the

most impotent hate; shriek, and menace with my fists towards Heaven;

yell God's name hoarsely, and bend my fingers like claws, with

ill-suppressed fury....

I tell you, you Heaven's Holy Baal, you don't exist; but that, if you

did, I would curse you so that your Heaven would quiver with the fire

of hell! I tell you, I have offered you my service, and you repulsed

me; and I turn my back on you for all eternity, because you did not

know your time of visitation! I tell you that I am about to die, and

yet I mock you! You Heaven God and Apis! with death staring me in the

face--I tell you, I would rather be a bondsman in hell than a freedman

in your mansions! I tell you, I am filled with a blissful contempt for

your divine paltriness; and I choose the abyss of destruction for a

perpetual resort, where the devils Judas and Pharaoh are cast down!

I tell you your Heaven is full of the kingdom of the earth's most

crass-headed idiots and poverty-stricken in spirit! I tell you, you

have filled your Heaven with the grossest and most cherished harlots

from here below, who have bent their knees piteously before you at

their hour of death! I tell you, you have used force against me, and

you know not, you omniscient nullity, that I never bend in opposition!

I tell you, all my life, every cell in my body, every power of my soul,

gasps to mock you--you Gracious Monster on High. I tell you, I would,

if I could, breathe it into every human soul, every flower, every leaf,

every dewdrop in the garden! I tell you, I would scoff you on the day

of doom, and curse the teeth out of my mouth for the sake of your

Deity's boundless miserableness! I tell you from this hour I renounce

all thy works and all thy pomps! I will execrate my thought if it dwell

on you again, and tear out my lips if they ever utter your name! I tell

you, if you exist, my last word in life or in death--I bid you

farewell, for all time and eternity--I bid you farewell with heart and

reins. I bid you the last irrevocable farewell, and I am silent, and

turn my back on you and go my way.... Quiet.

I tremble with excitement and exhaustion, and stand on the same spot,

still whispering oaths and abusive epithets, hiccoughing after the

violent crying fit, broken down and apathetic after my frenzied

outburst of rage. I stand there for maybe an hour, hiccough and

whisper, and hold on to the door. Then I hear voices--a conversation

between two men who are coming down the passage. I slink away from the

door, drag myself along the walls of the houses, and come out again

into the light streets. As I jog along Young's Hill my brain begins to

work in a most peculiar direction. It occurs to me that the wretched

hovels down at the corner of the market-place, the stores for loose

materials, the old booths for second-hand clothes, are really a

disgrace to the place--they spoilt the whole appearance of the market,

and were a blot on the town, Fie! away with the rubbish! And I turned

over in my mind as I walked on what it would cost to remove the

Geographical Survey down there--that handsome building which had always

attracted me so much each time I passed it. It would perhaps not be

possible to undertake a removal of that kind under two or three hundred

pounds. A pretty sum--three hundred pounds! One must admit, a tidy

enough little sum for pocket-money! Ha, ha! just to make a start with,

eh? and I nodded my head, and conceded that it was a tidy enough bit of

pocket-money to make a start with. I was still trembling over my whole

body, and hiccoughed now and then violently after my cry. I had a

feeling that there was not much life left in me--that I was really

singing my last verse. It was almost a matter of indifference to me; it

did not trouble me in the least. On the contrary, I wended my way down

town, down to the wharf, farther and farther away from my room. I

would, for that matter, have willingly laid myself down flat in the

street to die. My sufferings were rendering me more and more callous.

My sore foot throbbed violently; I had a sensation as if the pain was

creeping up through my whole leg. But not even that caused me any

particular distress. I had endured worse sensations.

In this manner, I reached the railway wharf. There was no traffic, no

noise--only here and there a person to be seen, a labourer or sailor

slinking round with their hands in their pockets. I took notice of a

lame man, who looked sharply at me as we passed one another. I stopped

him instinctively, touched my hat, and inquired if he knew if the Nun

had sailed. Someway, I couldn't help snapping my fingers right under

the man's nose, and saying, "Ay, by Jove, the _Nun_; yes, the _Nun_!"

which I had totally forgotten. All the same, the thought of her had

been smouldering in me. I had carried it about unconsciously.

Yes, bless me, the Nun had sailed.

He couldn't tell me where she had sailed to?

The man reflects, stands on his long leg, keeps the other up in the

air; it dangles a little.

"No," he replies. "Do you know what cargo she was taking in here?"

"No," I answer. But by this time I had already lost interest in the

_Nun_, and I asked the man how far it might be to Holmestrand, reckoned

in good old geographical miles.

"To Holmestrand? I should think..."

"Or to Voeblungsnaess?"

"What was I going to say? I should think to Holmestrand..."

"Oh, never mind; I have just remembered it," I interrupted him again.

"You wouldn't perhaps be so kind as to give me a small bit of

tobacco--only just a tiny scrap?"

I received the tobacco, thanked the man heartily, and went on. I made

no use of the tobacco; I put it into my pocket. He still kept his eye

on me--perhaps I had aroused his suspicions in some other way or

another. Whether I stood still or walked on, I felt his suspicious look

following me. I had no mind to be persecuted by this creature. I turn

round, and, dragging myself back to him, say:

"Binder"--only this one word, "Binder!" no more. I looked fixedly at

him as I say it, indeed I was conscious of staring fearfully at him. It

was as if I saw him with my entire body instead of only with my eyes. I

stare for a while after I give utterance to this word, and then I jog

along again to the railway square. The man does not utter a syllable,

he only keeps his gaze fixed upon me.

"Binder!" I stood suddenly still. Yes, wasn't that just what I had a

feeling of the moment I met the old chap; a feeling that I had met him

before! One bright morning up in Graendsen, when I pawned my waistcoat.

It seemed to me an eternity since that day.

Whilst I stand and ponder over this, I lean and support myself against

a house wall at the corner of the railway square and Harbour Street.

Suddenly, I start quickly and make an effort to crawl away. As I do not

succeed in it, I stare case-hardened ahead of me and fling all shame to

the winds. There is no help for it. I am standing face to face with the

"Commandor." I get devil-may-care--brazen. I take yet a step farther

from the wall in order to make him notice me. I do not do it to awake

his compassion, but to mortify myself, place myself, as it were, on the

pillory. I could have flung myself down in the street and begged him to

walk over me, tread on my face. I don't even bid him good-evening.

Perhaps the "Commandor" guesses that something is amiss with me. He

slackens his pace a little, and I say, in order to stop him, "I would

have called upon you long ago with something, but nothing has come yet!"

"Indeed?" he replies in an interrogative tone. "You haven't got it

finished, then?"

"No, it didn't get finished."

My eyes by this time are filled with tears at his friendliness, and I

cough with a bitter effort to regain my composure. The "Commandor"

tweaks his nose and looks at me.

"Have you anything to live on in the meantime?" he questions.

"No," I reply. "I haven't that either; I haven't eaten anything today,

but...."

"The Lord preserve you, man, it will never do for you to go and starve

yourself to death," he exclaims, feeling in his pocket.

This causes a feeling of shame to awake in me, and I stagger over to

the wall and hold on to it. I see him finger in his purse, and he hands

me half-a-sovereign.

He makes no fuss about it, simply gives me half-a-sovereign,

reiterating at the same time that it would never do to let me starve to

death. I stammered an objection and did not take it all at once. It is

shameful of me to ... it was really too much....

"Hurry up," he says, looking at his watch. "I have been waiting for the

train; I hear it coming now."

I took the money; I was dumb with joy, and never said a word; I didn't

even thank him once.

"It isn't worth while feeling put out about it," said the "Commandor"

at last. "I know you can write for it."

And so off he went.

When he had gone a few steps, I remembered all at once that I had not

thanked him for this great assistance. I tried to overtake him, but

could not get on quickly enough; my legs failed me, and I came near

tumbling on my face. He went farther and farther away from me. I gave

up the attempt; thought of calling after him, but dared not; and when

after all I did muster up courage enough and called once or twice, he

was already at too great a distance, and my voice had become too weak.

I was left standing on the pavement, gazing after him. I wept quietly

and silently. "I never saw the like!" I said to myself. "He gave me

half-a-sovereign." I walked back and placed myself where he had stood,

imitated all his movements held the half-sovereign up to my moistened

eyes, inspected it on both sides, and began to swear--to swear at the

top of my voice, that there was no manner of doubt that what I held in

my hand was half-a-sovereign. An hour after, maybe--a very long hour,

for it had grown very silent all around me--I stood, singularly enough,

outside No. 11 Tomtegaden. After I had stood and collected my wits for

a moment and wondered thereat, I went through the door for the second

time, right into the "Entertainment and lodgings for travellers." Here

I asked for shelter and was immediately supplied with a bed.

* * * * *

Tuesday.

Sunshine and quiet--a strangely bright day. The snow had disappeared.

There was life and joy, and glad faces, smiles, and laughter

everywhere. The fountains threw up sprays of water in jets,

golden-tinted from the sun-light, azure from the sky....

At noon I left my lodgings in Tomtegaden, where I still lived and found

fairly comfortable, and set out for town. I was in the merriest humour,

and lazied about the whole afternoon through the most frequented

streets and looked at the people. Even before seven o'clock I took a

turn up St. Olav's Place and took a furtive look up at the window of

No. 2. In an hour I would see her. I went about the whole time in a

state of tremulous, delicious dread. What would happen? What should I

say when she came down the stairs? Good-evening? or only smile? I

concluded to let it rest with the smile. Of course I would bow

profoundly to her.

I stole away, a little ashamed to be there so early, wandered up Carl

Johann for a while, and kept my eyes on University Street. When the

clocks struck eight I walked once more towards St. Olav's Place. On the

way it struck me that perhaps I might arrive a few minutes too late,

and I quickened my pace as much as I could. My foot was very sore,

otherwise nothing ailed me.

I took up my place at the fountain and drew breath. I stood there a

long while and gazed up at the window of No. 2, but she did not come.

Well, I would wait; I was in no hurry. She might be delayed, and I

waited on. It couldn't well be that I had dreamt the whole thing! Had

my first meeting with her only existed in imagination the night I lay

in delirium? I began in perplexity to think over it, and wasn't at all

sure.

"Hem!" came from behind me. I heard this, and I also heard light steps

near me, but I did not turn round, I only stared up at the wide