Kabanata Kabanata 80 · How Panurge served a Parisia

Chapter 2.XXII.

How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus

Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and

on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,

under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side

and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her

with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day

and night. In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of

her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces

as small as he could. Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went

to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as

the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge

sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then, a

little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by

her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner

as followeth.

A Roundelay.

For this one time, that I to you my love

Discovered, you did too cruel prove,

To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,

Who never any wrong to you had done,

In any kind of action, word, or thought:

So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought

T’ have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,

My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,

For this one time.

What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,

With favour and compassion, how a spark

Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart

With deep affection, and that, for my part,

I only ask that you with me would dance

The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,

For this one time?

And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very

promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers

places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. Then

said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. As for

me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I

suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in

purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.

Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church

came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed

upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their

member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the

greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of driving them

away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or

oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did

compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with

their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others

in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed

upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much

ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of

the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some

greyhound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were

flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and

every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud

or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call

Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he

went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,

Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? Away, hence, avant,

avant, with a devil avant! And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,

Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are

assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line

her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,

which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the

procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs

about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever

she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed

her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. All

the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of

those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her

gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to

retire unto her house, which was a palace. Thither she went, and the dogs

after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain

from laughing. When she was entered into the house and had shut the door

upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so

well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their

urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same

current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for

the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did

heretofore preach publicly. So may God help you, a mill would have ground

corn with it. Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.