Kabanata Kabanata 91 · How Pantagruel became sick,

Chapter 2.XXXIII.

How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an

obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,

because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which

tormented him more than you would believe. His physicians nevertheless

helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made

him piss away his pain. His urine was so hot that since that time it is

not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to

the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--

At Coderets.

At Limous.

At Dast.

At Ballervie (Balleruc).

At Neric.

At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.

At Mongros.

At Appone.

At Sancto Petro de Padua.

At St. Helen.

At Casa Nuova.

At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.

At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who

spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,

whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that

is within the mine. For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for

them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus

in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution

is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths

came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease. I

let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound

weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,

an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other

confuse jumblings of sundry drugs. You must understand that by the advice

of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should

be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,

each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.

Peter’s needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst

and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a

lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a

little pill. Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every

one of them a shovel on his neck. Into nine others entered nine

wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were

they swallowed down like pills. When they were in his stomach, every one

undid his spring, and came out of their cabins. The first whereof was he

that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a

most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or

the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,

whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been that they had very well

antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,

they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable

vapours. O what a perfume! O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the

masks or mufflers of young mangy queans. After that, with groping and

smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.

Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth. Then fell the

pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the

baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them

out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours. But,

when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians

coming out of the Trojan horse. By this means was he healed and brought

unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or

rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy

Cross Church.