Kabanata Kabanata 56 · 第56章

On the contrary, like the waters in the cavities and hollows of

mountains, which petrify and turn into stone whatever they are suffered

to drop on, so the continual conversing with such a crew of hell-hounds

as I was, had the same common operation upon me as upon other people. I

degenerated into stone; I turned first stupid and senseless, then

brutish and thoughtless, and at last raving mad as any of them were;

and, in short, I became as naturally pleased and easy with the place,

as if indeed I had been born there.

It is scarce possible to imagine that our natures should be capable of

so much degeneracy, as to make that pleasant and agreeable that in

itself is the most complete misery. Here was a circumstance that I

think it is scarce possible to mention a worse: I was as exquisitely

miserable as, speaking of common cases, it was possible for any one to

be that had life and health, and money to help them, as I had.

I had weight of guilt upon me enough to sink any creature who had the

least power of reflection left, and had any sense upon them of the

happiness of this life, of the misery of another; then I had at first

remorse indeed, but no repentance; I had now neither remorse nor

repentance. I had a crime charged on me, the punishment of which was

death by our law; the proof so evident, that there was no room for me

so much as to plead not guilty. I had the name of an old offender, so

that I had nothing to expect but death in a few weeks’ time, neither

had I myself any thoughts of escaping; and yet a certain strange

lethargy of soul possessed me. I had no trouble, no apprehensions, no

sorrow about me, the first surprise was gone; I was, I may well say, I

know not how; my senses, my reason, nay, my conscience, were all

asleep; my course of life for forty years had been a horrid

complication of wickedness, whoredom, adultery, incest, lying, theft;

and, in a word, everything but murder and treason had been my practice

from the age of eighteen, or thereabouts, to three-score; and now I was

engulfed in the misery of punishment, and had an infamous death just at

the door, and yet I had no sense of my condition, no thought of heaven

or hell at least, that went any farther than a bare flying touch, like

the stitch or pain that gives a hint and goes off. I neither had a

heart to ask God’s mercy, nor indeed to think of it. And in this, I

think, I have given a brief description of the completest misery on

earth.

All my terrifying thoughts were past, the horrors of the place were

become familiar, and I felt no more uneasiness at the noise and

clamours of the prison, than they did who made that noise; in a word, I

was become a mere Newgate-bird, as wicked and as outrageous as any of

them; nay, I scarce retained the habit and custom of good breeding and

manners, which all along till now ran through my conversation; so

thorough a degeneracy had possessed me, that I was no more the same

thing that I had been, than if I had never been otherwise than what I

was now.

In the middle of this hardened part of my life I had another sudden

surprise, which called me back a little to that thing called sorrow,

which indeed I began to be past the sense of before. They told me one

night that there was brought into the prison late the night before

three highwaymen, who had committed robbery somewhere on the road to

Windsor, Hounslow Heath, I think it was, and were pursued to Uxbridge

by the country, and were taken there after a gallant resistance, in

which I know not how many of the country people were wounded, and some

killed.

It is not to be wondered that we prisoners were all desirous enough to

see these brave, topping gentlemen, that were talked up to be such as

their fellows had not been known, and especially because it was said

they would in the morning be removed into the press-yard, having given

money to the head master of the prison, to be allowed the liberty of

that better part of the prison. So we that were women placed ourselves

in the way, that we would be sure to see them; but nothing could

express the amazement and surprise I was in, when the very first man

that came out I knew to be my Lancashire husband, the same who lived so

well at Dunstable, and the same who I afterwards saw at Brickhill, when

I was married to my last husband, as has been related.

I was struck dumb at the sight, and knew neither what to say nor what

to do; he did not know me, and that was all the present relief I had. I

quitted my company, and retired as much as that dreadful place suffers

anybody to retire, and I cried vehemently for a great while. “Dreadful

creature that I am,” said I, “how many poor people have I made

miserable? How many desperate wretches have I sent to the devil?” He

had told me at Chester he was ruined by that match, and that his

fortunes were made desperate on my account; for that thinking I had

been a fortune, he was run into debt more than he was able to pay, and

that he knew not what course to take; that he would go into the army

and carry a musket, or buy a horse and take a tour, as he called it;

and though I never told him that I was a fortune, and so did not

actually deceive him myself, yet I did encourage the having it thought

that I was so, and by that means I was the occasion originally of his

mischief.

The surprise of the thing only struck deeper into my thoughts, and gave

me stronger reflections than all that had befallen me before. I grieved

day and night for him, and the more for that they told me he was the

captain of the gang, and that he had committed so many robberies, that

Hind, or Whitney, or the Golden Farmer were fools to him; that he would

surely be hanged if there were no more men left in the country he was

born in; and that there would abundance of people come in against him.

I was overwhelmed with grief for him; my own case gave me no

disturbance compared to this, and I loaded myself with reproaches on

his account. I bewailed his misfortunes, and the ruin he was now come

to, at such a rate, that I relished nothing now as I did before, and

the first reflections I made upon the horrid, detestable life I had

lived began to return upon me, and as these things returned, my

abhorrence of the place I was in, and of the way of living in it,

returned also; in a word, I was perfectly changed, and become another

body.

While I was under these influences of sorrow for him, came notice to me

that the next sessions approaching there would be a bill preferred to

the grand jury against me, and that I should be certainly tried for my

life at the Old Bailey. My temper was touched before, the hardened,

wretched boldness of spirit which I had acquired abated, and conscious

in the prison, guilt began to flow in upon my mind. In short, I began

to think, and to think is one real advance from hell to heaven. All

that hellish, hardened state and temper of soul, which I have said so

much of before, is but a deprivation of thought; he that is restored to

his power of thinking, is restored to himself.

As soon as I began, I say, to think, the first thing that occurred to

me broke out thus: “Lord! what will become of me? I shall certainly

die! I shall be cast, to be sure, and there is nothing beyond that but

death! I have no friends; what shall I do? I shall be certainly cast!

Lord, have mercy upon me! What will become of me?” This was a sad

thought, you will say, to be the first, after so long a time, that had

started into my soul of that kind, and yet even this was nothing but

fright at what was to come; there was not a word of sincere repentance

in it all. However, I was indeed dreadfully dejected, and disconsolate

to the last degree; and as I had no friend in the world to communicate

my distressed thoughts to, it lay so heavy upon me, that it threw me

into fits and swoonings several times a day. I sent for my old

governess, and she, give her her due, acted the part of a true friend.

She left no stone unturned to prevent the grand jury finding the bill.

She sought out one or two of the jurymen, talked with them, and

endeavoured to possess them with favourable dispositions, on account

that nothing was taken away, and no house broken, etc.; but all would

not do, they were over-ruled by the rest; the two wenches swore home to

the fact, and the jury found the bill against me for robbery and

house-breaking, that is, for felony and burglary.

I sunk down when they brought me news of it, and after I came to myself

again, I thought I should have died with the weight of it. My governess

acted a true mother to me; she pitied me, she cried with me, and for

me, but she could not help me; and to add to the terror of it, ’twas

the discourse all over the house that I should die for it. I could hear

them talk it among themselves very often, and see them shake their

heads and say they were sorry for it, and the like, as is usual in the

place. But still nobody came to tell me their thoughts, till at last

one of the keepers came to me privately, and said with a sigh, “Well,

Mrs. Flanders, you will be tried on Friday” (.);

“what do you intend to do?” I turned as white as a clout, and said,

“God knows what I shall do; for my part, I know not what to do.” “Why,”

says he, “I won’t flatter you, I would have you prepare for death, for

I doubt you will be cast; and as they say you are an old offender, I

doubt you will find but little mercy. They say,” added he, “your case

is very plain, and that the witnesses swear so home against you, there

will be no standing it.”

This was a stab into the very vitals of one under such a burthen as I

was oppressed with before, and I could not speak to him a word, good or

bad, for a great while; but at last I burst out into tears, and said to

him, “Lord! Mr. ——, what must I do?” “Do!” says he, “send for the

ordinary; send for a minister and talk with him; for, indeed, Mrs.

Flanders, unless you have very good friends, you are no woman for this

world.”

This was plain dealing indeed, but it was very harsh to me, at least I

thought it so. He left me in the greatest confusion imaginable, and all

that night I lay awake. And now I began to say my prayers, which I had

scarce done before since my last husband’s death, or from a little

while after. And truly I may well call it saying my prayers, for I was

in such a confusion, and had such horror upon my mind, that though I

cried, and repeated several times the ordinary expression of “Lord,

have mercy upon me!” I never brought myself to any sense of my being a

miserable sinner, as indeed I was, and of confessing my sins to God,

and begging pardon for the sake of Jesus Christ. I was overwhelmed with

the sense of my condition, being tried for my life, and being sure to

be condemned, and then I was as sure to be executed, and on this

account I cried out all night, “Lord, what will become of me? Lord!

what shall I do? Lord! I shall be hanged! Lord, have mercy upon me!”

and the like.