Bab Bab 101 · How Panurge asketh counsel o

Chapter 3.IX.

How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or

no.

To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he

had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his

heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the

design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all

the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. I

humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne

me, to give me your best advice therein. Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing

you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is

fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but

forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved? Yea but, quoth

Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had

thereto. It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it.

Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much

better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new

hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not

to marry. Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry. Yea but, quoth Panurge,

would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life,

without the comfort of a matrimonial consort? You know it is written, Vae

soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is

found with married folks. Then marry, in the name of God, quoth

Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold--as it

is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the

production of that kind of cattle--I would fly out, and grow impatient

beyond all measure and mean. I love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem

unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do very willingly

frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would not be one of

their number. That is a point for me of a too sore prickling point. Then

do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence

of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others

will do the like to thee. Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that without all

exception? Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all exception. Ho, ho,

says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in

this world or in the other which is to come. Yet seeing I can no more want

a wife than a blind man his staff--(for) the funnel must be in agitation,

without which manner of occupation I cannot live--were it not a great deal

better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and

virtuous woman, than as I do, by a new change of females every day, run a

hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not

of both together. For never--be it spoken by their husbands’ leave and

favour--had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman. Marry then, in God’s name,

quoth Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and that

my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat

me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of

Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged

dealings. For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have

ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family

lacketh not for good vinegar. Yet in that case should it go worse with me,

if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly

bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and

milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so

after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait

at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul. I could make a shift for

this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay

aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it.

Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. Yea but, quoth Panurge,

considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark

what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on the

score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being

quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards

me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. And if by

some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very waywardly. The

wise man saith, Where there is no woman--I mean the mother of a family and

wife in the union of a lawful wedlock--the crazy and diseased are in danger

of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by

clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates,

cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure

yourself, you shall not find me. Marry then, in the name of God, answered

Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through

that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is

incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping

sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and

prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not

help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make

sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is

worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes

befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly,

to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate

reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel. Yea but, said

Panurge, I shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and

daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and

arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my inheritances and

purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some

one or other of these mornings I will make a fair and goodly show), that so

I may cheer up and make merry when otherwise I should be plunged into a

peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the

gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as

all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses.

For being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret

and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so

just, I am afraid, instead of consolation, that I should meet with nothing

else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune. Marry

then, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel.