Bab Bab 90 · How Pantagruel with his tong

Chapter 2.XXXII.

How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author

saw in his mouth.

Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the

Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves

unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the

cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to

hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield

but upon very honourable and good conditions.

What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the

pot and the glass in their fist? Come, let us go sack them, and put them

all to the sword. Then did they put themselves in good order, as being

fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a

large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they

began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one

another. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that

it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be

nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves

in order, and he would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close

order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew

out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her

chickens. In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable

stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in

largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them

thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could

not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard’s end there is

no cloth left. Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along

full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came

into his mouth. But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there? Jupiter

confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie! I walked there as they do

in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the

mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth. I saw also fair

meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons

or Poictiers. The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow

planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,

what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he. But how, and

wherewith? said I. Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as

heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich. Thus do I get my poor

living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here

behind. Jesus! said I, is there here a new world? Sure, said he, it is

never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is

an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and

that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this

is more ancient than that. Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of

that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? It is called

Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,

and will make you good cheer. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now,

in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of

whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons? Sir, said he,

they come from the other world. Then I thought that, when Pantagruel

yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it

had been a pigeon-house.

Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a

good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.

Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any

danger of the plague here? O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so

fast that the cart runs about the streets. Good God! said I, and where?

Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two

great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading. And the

cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which

lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and

twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this

sevennight. Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank

and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel’s stomach when he did

eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and

never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the

pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,

sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer

outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and

delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my

life as then. After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the

chaps. But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in

the territory towards the ears. Then, after a little further travelling, I

fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where

I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by. Can

you tell how? By sleeping. For there they hire men by the day to sleep,

and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at

least ninepence. How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the

senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad

livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have

with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and

beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and

Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth. But it is far better

living on this side, and the air is purer. Then I began to think that it

is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth

not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written

of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,

besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea. Concerning which purpose I

have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because

they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself

upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell

before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest

thou, Alcofribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord. And how

long hast thou been there? said he. Since the time, said I, that you went

against the Almirods. That is about six months ago, said he. And

wherewith didst thou live? What didst thou drink? I answered, My lord, of

the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through

your throat I took toll. Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? In

your throat, my lord, said I. Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.

We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will

give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin. Gramercy, my

lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.