爱伦·坡全集· Bab 5

Bab Bab 5 · Volume 5

For some minutes after the cook had left the forecastle, Augustus

abandoned himself to despair, never hoping to leave the berth

alive. He now came to the resolution of acquainting the first of

the men who should come down with my situation, thinking it

better to let me take my chance with the mutineers than perish of

thirst in the hold,—for it had been ten days since I was first

imprisoned, and my jug of water was not a plentiful supply even

for four. As he was thinking on this subject, the idea came all

at once into his head that it might be possible to communicate

with me by the way of the main hold. In any other circumstances,

the difficulty and hazard of the undertaking would have prevented

him from attempting it; but now he had, at all events, little

prospect of life, and consequently little to lose, he bent his

whole mind, therefore, upon the task.

His handcuffs were the first consideration. At first he saw no

method of removing them, and feared that he should thus be

baffled in the very outset; but upon a closer scrutiny he

discovered that the irons could be slipped off and on at

pleasure, with very little effort or inconvenience, merely by

squeezing his hands through them,—this species of manacle being

altogether ineffectual in confining young persons, in whom the

smaller bones readily yield to pressure. He now untied his feet,

and, leaving the cord in such a manner that it could easily be

readjusted in the event of any person’s coming down, proceeded to

examine the bulkhead where it joined the berth. The partition

here was of soft pine board, an inch thick, and he saw that he

should have little trouble in cutting his way through. A voice

was now heard at the forecastle companion-way, and he had just

time to put his right hand into its handcuff (the left had not

been removed) and to draw the rope in a slipknot around his

ankle, when Dirk Peters came below, followed by Tiger, who

immediately leaped into the berth and lay down. The dog had been

brought on board by Augustus, who knew my attachment to the

animal, and thought it would give me pleasure to have him with me

during the voyage. He went up to our house for him immediately

after first taking me into the hold, but did not think of

mentioning the circumstance upon his bringing the watch. Since

the mutiny, Augustus had not seen him before his appearance with

Dirk Peters, and had given him up for lost, supposing him to have

been thrown overboard by some of the malignant villains belonging

to the mate’s gang. It appeared afterward that he had crawled

into a hole beneath a whale-boat, from which, not having room to

turn round, he could not extricate himself. Peters at last let

him out, and, with a species of good feeling which my friend knew

well how to appreciate, had now brought him to him in the

forecastle as a companion, leaving at the same time some salt

junk and potatoes, with a can of water, he then went on deck,

promising to come down with something more to eat on the next

day.

When he had gone, Augustus freed both hands from the manacles and

unfastened his feet. He then turned down the head of the mattress

on which he had been lying, and with his penknife (for the

ruffians had not thought it worth while to search him) commenced

cutting vigorously across one of the partition planks, as closely

as possible to the floor of the berth. He chose to cut here,

because, if suddenly interrupted, he would be able to conceal

what had been done by letting the head of the mattress fall into

its proper position. For the remainder of the day, however, no

disturbance occurred, and by night he had completely divided the

plank. It should here be observed that none of the crew occupied

the forecastle as a sleeping-place, living altogether in the

cabin since the mutiny, drinking the wines and feasting on the

sea-stores of Captain Barnard, and giving no more heed than was

absolutely necessary to the navigation of the brig. These

circumstances proved fortunate both for myself and Augustus; for,

had matters been otherwise, he would have found it impossible to

reach me. As it was, he proceeded with confidence in his design.

It was near daybreak, however, before he completed the second

division of the board (which was about a foot above the first

cut), thus making an aperture quite large enough to admit his

passage through with facility to the main orlop deck. Having got

here, he made his way with but little trouble to the lower main

hatch, although in so doing he had to scramble over tiers of

oil-casks piled nearly as high as the upper deck, there being

barely room enough left for his body. Upon reaching the hatch he

found that Tiger had followed him below, squeezing between two

rows of the casks. It was now too late, however, to attempt

getting to me before dawn, as the chief difficulty lay in passing

through the close stowage in the lower hold. He therefore

resolved to return, and wait till the next night. With this

design, he proceeded to loosen the hatch, so that he might have

as little detention as possible when he should come again. No

sooner had he loosened it than Tiger sprang eagerly to the small

opening produced, snuffed for a moment, and then uttered a long

whine, scratching at the same time, as if anxious to remove the

covering with his paws. There could be no doubt, from his

behaviour, that he was aware of my being in the hold, and

Augustus thought it possible that he would be able to get to me

if he put him down. He now hit upon the expedient of sending the

note, as it was especially desirable that I should make no

attempt at forcing my way out at least under existing

circumstances, and there could be no certainty of his getting to

me himself on the morrow as he intended. After-events proved how

fortunate it was that the idea occurred to him as it did; for,

had it not been for the receipt of the note, I should undoubtedly

have fallen upon some plan, however desperate, of alarming the

crew, and both our lives would most probably have been sacrificed

in consequence.

Having concluded to write, the difficulty was now to procure the

materials for so doing. An old toothpick was soon made into a

pen; and this by means of feeling altogether, for the

between-decks was as dark as pitch. Paper enough was obtained

from the back of a letter—a duplicate of the forged letter from

Mr. Ross. This had been the original draught; but the handwriting

not being sufficiently well imitated, Augustus had written

another, thrusting the first, by good fortune, into his

coat-pocket, where it was now most opportunely discovered. Ink

alone was thus wanting, and a substitute was immediately found

for this by means of a slight incision with the pen-knife on the

back of a finger just above the nail—a copious flow of blood

ensuing, as usual, from wounds in that vicinity. The note was now

written, as well as it could be in the dark and under the

circumstances. It briefly explained that a mutiny had taken

place; that Captain Barnard was set adrift; and that I might

expect immediate relief as far as provisions were concerned, but

must not venture upon making any disturbance. It concluded with

these words: “_I have scrawled this with blood—your life depends

upon lying close._”

This slip of paper being tied upon the dog, he was now put down

the hatchway, and Augustus made the best of his way back to the

forecastle, where he found no reason to believe that any of the

crew had been in his absence. To conceal the hole in the

partition, he drove his knife in just above it, and hung up a

pea-jacket which he found in the berth. His handcuffs were then

replaced, and also the rope around his ankles.

These arrangements were scarcely completed when Dirk Peters came

below, very drunk, but in excellent humour, and bringing with him

my friend’s allowance of provision for the day. This consisted of

a dozen large Irish potatoes roasted, and a pitcher of water. He

sat for some time on a chest by the berth, and talked freely

about the mate and the general concerns of the brig. His

demeanour was exceedingly capricious, and even grotesque. At one

time Augustus was much alarmed by odd conduct. At last, however,

he went on deck, muttering a promise to bring his prisoner a good

dinner on the morrow. During the day two of the crew (harpooners)

came down, accompanied by the cook, all three in nearly the last

stage of intoxication. Like Peters, they made no scruple of

talking unreservedly about their plans. It appeared that they

were much divided among themselves as to their ultimate course,

agreeing in no point, except the attack on the ship from the Cape

Verd Islands, with which they were in hourly expectation of

meeting. As far as could be ascertained, the mutiny had not been

brought about altogether for the sake of booty; a private pique

of the chief mate’s against Captain Barnard having been the main

instigation. There now seemed to be two principal factions among

the crew—one headed by the mate, the other by the cook. The

former party were for seizing the first suitable vessel which

should present itself, and equipping it at some of the West India

Islands for a piratical cruise. The latter division, however,

which was the stronger, and included Dirk Peters among its

partisans, were bent upon pursuing the course originally laid out

for the brig into the South Pacific; there either to take whale,

or act otherwise, as circumstances should suggest. The

representations of Peters, who had frequently visited these

regions, had great weight, apparently, with the mutineers,

wavering, as they were, between half-engendered notions of profit

and pleasure. He dwelt on the world of novelty and amusement to

be found among the innumerable islands of the Pacific, on the

perfect security and freedom from all restraint to be enjoyed,

but, more particularly, on the deliciousness of the climate, on

the abundant means of good living, and on the voluptuous beauty

of the women. As yet, nothing had been absolutely determined

upon; but the pictures of the hybrid line-manager were taking

strong hold upon the ardent imaginations of the seamen, and there

was every possibility that his intentions would be finally

carried into effect.

The three men went away in about an hour, and no one else entered

the forecastle all day. Augustus lay quiet until nearly night. He

then freed himself from the rope and irons, and prepared for his

attempt. A bottle was found in one of the berths, and this he

filled with water from the pitcher left by Peters, storing his

pockets at the same time with cold potatoes. To his great joy he

also came across a lantern, with a small piece of tallow candle

in it. This he could light at any moment, as he had in his

possession a box of phosphorus matches. When it was quite dark,

he got through the hole in the bulkhead, having taken the

precaution to arrange the bedclothes in the berth so as to convey

the idea of a person covered up. When through, he hung up the

pea-jacket on his knife, as before, to conceal the aperture—this

manoeuvre being easily effected, as he did not readjust the piece

of plank taken out until afterward. He was now on the main orlop

deck, and proceeded to make his way, as before, between the upper

deck and the oil-casks to the main hatchway. Having reached this,

he lit the piece of candle, and descended, groping with extreme

difficulty among the compact stowage of the hold. In a few

moments he became alarmed at the insufferable stench and the

closeness of the atmosphere. He could not think it possible that

I had survived my confinement for so long a period breathing so

oppressive an air. He called my name repeatedly, but I made him

no reply, and his apprehensions seemed thus to be confirmed. The

brig was rolling violently, and there was so much noise in

consequence, that it was useless to listen for any weak sound,

such as those of my breathing or snoring. He threw open the

lantern, and held it as high as possible, whenever an opportunity

occurred, in order that, by observing the light, I might, if

alive, be aware that succor was approaching. Still nothing was

heard from me, and the supposition of my death began to assume

the character of certainty. He determined, nevertheless, to force

a passage, if possible, to the box, and at least ascertain beyond

a doubt the truth of his surmises. He pushed on for some time in

a most pitiable state of anxiety, until, at length, he found the

pathway utterly blocked up, and that there was no possibility of

making any farther way by the course in which he had set out.

Overcome now by his feelings, he threw himself among the lumber

in despair, and wept like a child. It was at this period that he

heard the crash occasioned by the bottle which I had thrown down.

Fortunate, indeed, was it that the incident occurred—for, upon

this incident, trivial as it appears, the thread of my destiny

depended. Many years elapsed, however, before I was aware of this

fact. A natural shame and regret for his weakness and indecision

prevented Augustus from confiding to me at once what a more

intimate and unreserved communion afterward induced him to

reveal. Upon finding his further progress in the hold impeded by

obstacles which he could not overcome, he had resolved to abandon

his attempt at reaching me, and return at once to the forecastle.

Before condemning him entirely on this head, the harassing

circumstances which embarrassed him should be taken into

consideration. The night was fast wearing away, and his absence

from the forecastle might be discovered; and indeed would

necessarily be so, if he should fail to get back to the berth by

daybreak. His candle was expiring in the socket, and there would

be the greatest difficulty in retracing his way to the hatchway

in the dark. It must be allowed, too, that he had every good

reason to believe me dead; in which event no benefit could result

to me from his reaching the box, and a world of danger would be

encountered to no purpose by himself. He had repeatedly called,

and I had made him no answer. I had been now eleven days and

nights with no more water than that contained in the jug which he

had left with me—a supply which it was not at all probable I had

hoarded in the beginning of my confinement, as I had every cause

to expect a speedy release. The atmosphere of the hold, too, must

have appeared to him, coming from the comparatively open air of

the steerage, of a nature absolutely poisonous, and by far more

intolerable than it had seemed to me upon my first taking up my

quarters in the box—the hatchways at that time having been

constantly open for many months previous. Add to these

considerations that of the scene of bloodshed and terror so

lately witnessed by my friend; his confinement, privations, and

narrow escapes from death, together with the frail and equivocal

tenure by which he still existed—circumstances all so well

calculated to prostrate every energy of mind—and the reader will

be easily brought, as I have been, to regard his apparent falling

off in friendship and in faith with sentiments rather of sorrow

than of anger.

The crash of the bottle was distinctly heard, yet Augustus was

not sure that it proceeded from the hold. The doubt, however, was

sufficient inducement to persevere. He clambered up nearly to the

orlop deck by means of the stowage, and then, watching for a lull

in the pitchings of the vessel, he called out to me in as loud a

tone as he could command, regardless, for the moment, of being

overheard by the crew. It will be remembered that on this

occasion the voice reached me, but I was so entirely overcome by

violent agitation as to be incapable of reply. Confident, now,

that his worst apprehensions were well founded, he descended,

with a view of getting back to the forecastle without loss of

time. In his haste some small boxes were thrown down, the noise

occasioned by which I heard, as will be recollected. He had made

considerable progress on his return when the fall of the knife

again caused him to hesitate. He retraced his steps immediately,

and, clambering up the stowage a second time, called out my name,

loudly as before, having watched for a lull. This time I found

voice to answer. Overjoyed at discovering me to be still alive,

he now resolved to brave every difficulty and danger in reaching

me. Having extricated himself as quickly as possible from the

labyrinth of lumber by which he was hemmed in, he at length

struck into an opening which promised better, and finally, after

a series of struggles, arrived at the box in a state of utter

exhaustion.

CHAPTER 6

The leading particulars of this narration were all that Augustus

communicated to me while we remained near the box. It was not

until afterward that he entered fully into all the details. He

was apprehensive of being missed, and I was wild with impatience

to leave my detested place of confinement. We resolved to make

our way at once to the hole in the bulkhead, near which I was to

remain for the present, while he went through to reconnoiter. To

leave Tiger in the box was what neither of us could endure to

think of, yet, how to act otherwise was the question. He now

seemed to be perfectly quiet, and we could not even distinguish

the sound of his breathing upon applying our ears closely to the

box. I was convinced that he was dead, and determined to open the

door. We found him lying at full length, apparently in a deep

stupor, yet still alive. No time was to be lost, yet I could not

bring myself to abandon an animal who had now been twice

instrumental in saving my life, without some attempt at

preserving him. We therefore dragged him along with us as well as

we could, although with the greatest difficulty and fatigue;

Augustus, during part of the time, being forced to clamber over

the impediments in our way with the huge dog in his arms—a feat

to which the feebleness of my frame rendered me totally

inadequate. At length we succeeded in reaching the hole, when

Augustus got through, and Tiger was pushed in afterward. All was

found to be safe, and we did not fail to return sincere thanks to

God for our deliverance from the imminent danger we had escaped.

For the present, it was agreed that I should remain near the

opening, through which my companion could readily supply me with

a part of his daily provision, and where I could have the

advantages of breathing an atmosphere comparatively pure.

In explanation of some portions of this narrative, wherein I have

spoken of the stowage of the brig, and which may appear ambiguous

to some of my readers who may have seen a proper or regular

stowage, I must here state that the manner in which this most

important duty had been performed on board the Grampus was a most

shameful piece of neglect on the part of Captain Barnard, who was

by no means as careful or as experienced a seaman as the

hazardous nature of the service on which he was employed would

seem necessarily to demand. A proper stowage cannot be

accomplished in a careless manner, and many most disastrous

accidents, even within the limits of my own experience, have

arisen from neglect or ignorance in this particular. Coasting

vessels, in the frequent hurry and bustle attendant upon taking

in or discharging cargo, are the most liable to mishap from the

want of a proper attention to stowage. The great point is to

allow no possibility of the cargo or ballast shifting position

even in the most violent rollings of the vessel. With this end,

great attention must be paid, not only to the bulk taken in, but

to the nature of the bulk, and whether there be a full or only a

partial cargo. In most kinds of freight the stowage is

accomplished by means of a screw. Thus, in a load of tobacco or

flour, the whole is screwed so tightly into the hold of the

vessel that the barrels or hogsheads, upon discharging, are found

to be completely flattened, and take some time to regain their

original shape. This screwing, however, is resorted to

principally with a view of obtaining more room in the hold; for

in a full load of any such commodities as flour or tobacco, there

can be no danger of any shifting whatever, at least none from

which inconvenience can result. There have been instances,

indeed, where this method of screwing has resulted in the most

lamentable consequences, arising from a cause altogether distinct

from the danger attendant upon a shifting of cargo. A load of

cotton, for example, tightly screwed while in certain conditions,

has been known, through the expansion of its bulk, to rend a

vessel asunder at sea. There can be no doubt either that the same

result would ensue in the case of tobacco, while undergoing its

usual course of fermentation, were it not for the interstices

consequent upon the rotundity of the hogsheads.

It is when a partial cargo is received that danger is chiefly to

be apprehended from shifting, and that precautions should be

always taken to guard against such misfortune. Only those who

have encountered a violent gale of wind, or rather who have

experienced the rolling of a vessel in a sudden calm after the

gale, can form an idea of the tremendous force of the plunges,

and of the consequent terrible impetus given to all loose

articles in the vessel. It is then that the necessity of a

cautious stowage, when there is a partial cargo, becomes obvious.

When lying-to (especially with a small head sail), a vessel which

is not properly modelled in the bows is frequently thrown upon

her beam-ends; this occurring even every fifteen or twenty

minutes upon an average, yet without any serious consequences

resulting, provided there be a proper stowage. If this, however,

has not been strictly attended to, in the first of these heavy

lurches the whole of the cargo tumbles over to the side of the

vessel which lies upon the water, and, being thus prevented from

regaining her equilibrium, as she would otherwise necessarily do,

she is certain to fill in a few seconds and go down. It is not

too much to say that at least one-half of the instances in which

vessels have foundered in heavy gales at sea may be attributed to

a shifting of cargo or of ballast.

When a partial cargo of any kind is taken on board, the whole,

after being first stowed as compactly as may be, should be

covered with a layer of stout shifting-boards, extending

completely across the vessel. Upon these boards strong temporary

stanchions should be erected, reaching to the timbers above, and

thus securing every thing in its place. In cargoes consisting of

grain, or any similar matter, additional precautions are

requisite. A hold filled entirely with grain upon leaving port

will be found not more than three fourths full upon reaching its

destination—this, too, although the freight, when measured bushel

by bushel by the consignee, will overrun by a vast deal (on

account of the swelling of the grain) the quantity consigned.

This result is occasioned by settling during the voyage, and is

the more perceptible in proportion to the roughness of the

weather experienced. If grain loosely thrown in a vessel, then,

is ever so well secured by shifting-boards and stanchions, it

will be liable to shift in a long passage so greatly as to bring

about the most distressing calamities. To prevent these, every

method should be employed before leaving port to settle the cargo

as much as possible; and for this there are many contrivances,

among which may be mentioned the driving of wedges into the

grain. Even after all this is done, and unusual pains taken to

secure the shifting-boards, no seaman who knows what he is about

will feel altogether secure in a gale of any violence with a

cargo of grain on board, and, least of all, with a partial cargo.

Yet there are hundreds of our coasting vessels, and, it is

likely, many more from the ports of Europe, which sail daily with

partial cargoes, even of the most dangerous species, and without

any precaution whatever. The wonder is that no more accidents

occur than do actually happen. A lamentable instance of this

heedlessness occurred to my knowledge in the case of Captain Joel

Rice of the schooner Firefly, which sailed from Richmond,

Virginia, to Madeira, with a cargo of corn, in the year 1825. The

captain had gone many voyages without serious accident, although

he was in the habit of paying no attention whatever to his

stowage, more than to secure it in the ordinary manner. He had

never before sailed with a cargo of grain, and on this occasion

had the corn thrown on board loosely, when it did not much more

than half fill the vessel. For the first portion of the voyage he

met with nothing more than light breezes; but when within a day’s

sail of Madeira there came on a strong gale from the N. N. E.

which forced him to lie-to. He brought the schooner to the wind

under a double-reefed foresail alone, when she rode as well as

any vessel could be expected to do, and shipped not a drop of

water. Toward night the gale somewhat abated, and she rolled with

more unsteadiness than before, but still did very well, until a

heavy lurch threw her upon her beam-ends to starboard. The corn

was then heard to shift bodily, the force of the movement

bursting open the main hatchway. The vessel went down like a

shot. This happened within hail of a small sloop from Madeira,

which picked up one of the crew (the only person saved), and

which rode out the gale in perfect security, as indeed a jolly

boat might have done under proper management.

The stowage on board the Grampus was most clumsily done, if

stowage that could be called which was little better than a

promiscuous huddling together of oil-casks {*1} and ship

furniture. I have already spoken of the condition of articles in

the hold. On the orlop deck there was space enough for my body

(as I have stated) between the oil-casks and the upper deck; a

space was left open around the main hatchway; and several other

large spaces were left in the stowage. Near the hole cut through

the bulkhead by Augustus there was room enough for an entire

cask, and in this space I found myself comfortably situated for

the present.

By the time my friend had got safely into the berth, and

readjusted his handcuffs and the rope, it was broad daylight. We

had made a narrow escape indeed; for scarcely had he arranged all

matters, when the mate came below, with Dirk Peters and the cook.

They talked for some time about the vessel from the Cape Verds,

and seemed to be excessively anxious for her appearance. At

length the cook came to the berth in which Augustus was lying,

and seated himself in it near the head. I could see and hear

every thing from my hiding-place, for the piece cut out had not

been put back, and I was in momentary expectation that the negro

would fall against the pea-jacket, which was hung up to conceal

the aperture, in which case all would have been discovered, and

our lives would, no doubt, have been instantly sacrificed. Our

good fortune prevailed, however; and although he frequently

touched it as the vessel rolled, he never pressed against it

sufficiently to bring about a discovery. The bottom of the jacket

had been carefully fastened to the bulkhead, so that the hole

might not be seen by its swinging to one side. All this time

Tiger was lying in the foot of the berth, and appeared to have

recovered in some measure his faculties, for I could see him

occasionally open his eyes and draw a long breath.

After a few minutes the mate and cook went above, leaving Dirk

Peters behind, who, as soon as they were gone, came and sat

himself down in the place just occupied by the mate. He began to

talk very sociably with Augustus, and we could now see that the

greater part of his apparent intoxication, while the two others

were with him, was a feint. He answered all my companion’s

questions with perfect freedom; told him that he had no doubt of

his father’s having been picked up, as there were no less than

five sail in sight just before sundown on the day he was cut

adrift; and used other language of a consolatory nature, which

occasioned me no less surprise than pleasure. Indeed, I began to

entertain hopes, that through the instrumentality of Peters we

might be finally enabled to regain possession of the brig, and

this idea I mentioned to Augustus as soon as I found an

opportunity. He thought the matter possible, but urged the

necessity of the greatest caution in making the attempt, as the

conduct of the hybrid appeared to be instigated by the most

arbitrary caprice alone; and, indeed, it was difficult to say if

he was at any moment of sound mind. Peters went upon deck in

about an hour, and did not return again until noon, when he

brought Augustus a plentiful supply of junk beef and pudding. Of

this, when we were left alone, I partook heartily, without

returning through the hole. No one else came down into the

forecastle during the day, and at night, I got into Augustus’

berth, where I slept soundly and sweetly until nearly daybreak,

when he awakened me upon hearing a stir upon deck, and I regained

my hiding-place as quickly as possible. When the day was fully

broke, we found that Tiger had recovered his strength almost

entirely, and gave no indications of hydrophobia, drinking a

little water that was offered him with great apparent eagerness.

During the day he regained all his former vigour and appetite.

His strange conduct had been brought on, no doubt, by the

deleterious quality of the air of the hold, and had no connexion

with canine madness. I could not sufficiently rejoice that I had

persisted in bringing him with me from the box. This day was the

thirtieth of June, and the thirteenth since the Grampus made sail

from Nantucket.

On the second of July the mate came below drunk as usual, and in

an excessively good-humor. He came to Augustus’s berth, and,

giving him a slap on the back, asked him if he thought he could

behave himself if he let him loose, and whether he would promise

not to be going into the cabin again. To this, of course, my

friend answered in the affirmative, when the ruffian set him at

liberty, after making him drink from a flask of rum which he drew

from his coat-pocket. Both now went on deck, and I did not see

Augustus for about three hours. He then came below with the good

news that he had obtained permission to go about the brig as he

pleased anywhere forward of the mainmast, and that he had been

ordered to sleep, as usual, in the forecastle. He brought me,

too, a good dinner, and a plentiful supply of water. The brig was

still cruising for the vessel from the Cape Verds, and a sail was

now in sight, which was thought to be the one in question. As the

events of the ensuing eight days were of little importance, and

had no direct bearing upon the main incidents of my narrative, I

will here throw them into the form of a journal, as I do not wish

to omit them altogether.

July 3. Augustus furnished me with three blankets, with which I

contrived a comfortable bed in my hiding-place. No one came

below, except my companion, during the day. Tiger took his

station in the berth just by the aperture, and slept heavily, as

if not yet entirely recovered from the effects of his sickness.

Toward night a flaw of wind struck the brig before sail could be

taken in, and very nearly capsized her. The puff died away

immediately, however, and no damage was done beyond the splitting

of the foretopsail. Dirk Peters treated Augustus all this day

with great kindness and entered into a long conversation with him

respecting the Pacific Ocean, and the islands he had visited in

that region. He asked him whether he would not like to go with

the mutineers on a kind of exploring and pleasure voyage in those

quarters, and said that the men were gradually coming over to the

mate’s views. To this Augustus thought it best to reply that he

would be glad to go on such an adventure, since nothing better

could be done, and that any thing was preferable to a piratical

life.

July 4th. The vessel in sight proved to be a small brig from

Liverpool, and was allowed to pass unmolested. Augustus spent

most of his time on deck, with a view of obtaining all the

information in his power respecting the intentions of the

mutineers. They had frequent and violent quarrels among

themselves, in one of which a harpooner, Jim Bonner, was thrown

overboard. The party of the mate was gaining ground. Jim Bonner

belonged to the cook’s gang, of which Peters was a partisan.

July 5th. About daybreak there came on a stiff breeze from the

west, which at noon freshened into a gale, so that the brig could

carry nothing more than her trysail and foresail. In taking in

the foretopsail, Simms, one of the common hands, and belonging

also to the cook’s gang, fell overboard, being very much in

liquor, and was drowned—no attempt being made to save him. The

whole number of persons on board was now thirteen, to wit: Dirk

Peters; Seymour, the black cook; Jones, Greely, Hartman Rogers

and William Allen, all of the cook’s party; the mate, whose name

I never learned; Absalom Hicks, Wilson, John Hunty Richard

Parker, of the mate’s party;—besides Augustus and myself.

July 6th. The gale lasted all this day, blowing in heavy squalls,

accompanied with rain. The brig took in a good deal of water

through her seams, and one of the pumps was kept continually

going, Augustus being forced to take his turn. Just at twilight a

large ship passed close by us, without having been discovered

until within hail. The ship was supposed to be the one for which

the mutineers were on the lookout. The mate hailed her, but the

reply was drowned in the roaring of the gale. At eleven, a sea

was shipped amidships, which tore away a great portion of the

larboard bulwarks, and did some other slight damage. Toward

morning the weather moderated, and at sunrise there was very

little wind.

July 7th. There was a heavy swell running all this day, during

which the brig, being light, rolled excessively, and many

articles broke loose in the hold, as I could hear distinctly from

my hiding-place. I suffered a great deal from sea-sickness.

Peters had a long conversation this day with Augustus, and told

him that two of his gang, Greely and Allen, had gone over to the

mate, and were resolved to turn pirates. He put several questions

to Augustus which he did not then exactly understand. During a

part of this evening the leak gained upon the vessel; and little

could be done to remedy it, as it was occasioned by the brig's

straining, and taking in the water through her seams. A sail was

thrummed, and got under the bows, which aided us in some measure,

so that we began to gain upon the leak.

July 8th. A light breeze sprang up at sunrise from the eastward,

when the mate headed the brig to the southwest, with the

intention of making some of the West India islands in pursuance

of his piratical designs. No opposition was made by Peters or the

cook—at least none in the hearing of Augustus. All idea of taking

the vessel from the Cape Verds was abandoned. The leak was now

easily kept under by one pump going every three quarters of an

hour. The sail was drawn from beneath the bows. Spoke two small

schooners during the day.

July 9th. Fine weather. All hands employed in repairing bulwarks.

Peters had again a long conversation with Augustus, and spoke

more plainly than he had done heretofore. He said nothing should

induce him to come into the mate’s views, and even hinted his

intention of taking the brig out of his hands. He asked my friend

if he could depend upon his aid in such case, to which Augustus

said, “Yes,” without hesitation. Peters then said he would sound

the others of his party upon the subject, and went away. During

the remainder of the day Augustus had no opportunity of speaking

with him privately.

CHAPTER 7

July 10. Spoke a brig from Rio, bound to Norfolk. Weather hazy,

with a light baffling wind from the eastward. To-day Hartman

Rogers died, having been attacked on the eighth with spasms after

drinking a glass of grog. This man was of the cook’s party, and

one upon whom Peters placed his main reliance. He told Augustus

that he believed the mate had poisoned him, and that he expected,

if he did not be on the look-out, his own turn would come

shortly. There were now only himself, Jones, and the cook

belonging to his own gang—on the other side there were five. He

had spoken to Jones about taking the command from the mate; but

the project having been coolly received, he had been deterred

from pressing the matter any further, or from saying any thing to

the cook. It was well, as it happened, that he was so prudent,

for in the afternoon the cook expressed his determination of

siding with the mate, and went over formally to that party; while

Jones took an opportunity of quarrelling with Peters, and hinted

that he would let the mate know of the plan in agitation. There

was now, evidently, no time to be lost, and Peters expressed his

determination of attempting to take the vessel at all hazards,

provided Augustus would lend him his aid. My friend at once

assured him of his willingness to enter into any plan for that

purpose, and, thinking the opportunity a favourable one, made

known the fact of my being on board. At this the hybrid was not

more astonished than delighted, as he had no reliance whatever

upon Jones, whom he already considered as belonging to the party

of the mate. They went below immediately, when Augustus called to

me by name, and Peters and myself were soon made acquainted. It

was agreed that we should attempt to retake the vessel upon the

first good opportunity, leaving Jones altogether out of our

councils. In the event of success, we were to run the brig into

the first port that offered, and deliver her up. The desertion of

his party had frustrated Peters’ design of going into the

Pacific—an adventure which could not be accomplished without a

crew, and he depended upon either getting acquitted upon trial,

on the score of insanity (which he solemnly avowed had actuated

him in lending his aid to the mutiny), or upon obtaining a

pardon, if found guilty, through the representations of Augustus

and myself. Our deliberations were interrupted for the present by

the cry of, “All hands take in sail,” and Peters and Augustus ran

up on deck.

As usual, the crew were nearly all drunk; and, before sail could

be properly taken in, a violent squall laid the brig on her

beam-ends. By keeping her away, however, she righted, having

shipped a good deal of water. Scarcely was everything secure,

when another squall took the vessel, and immediately afterward

another—no damage being done. There was every appearance of a

gale of wind, which, indeed, shortly came on, with great fury,

from the northward and westward. All was made as snug as

possible, and we laid-to, as usual, under a close-reefed

foresail. As night drew on, the wind increased in violence, with

a remarkably heavy sea. Peters now came into the forecastle with

Augustus, and we resumed our deliberations.

We agreed that no opportunity could be more favourable than the

present for carrying our designs into effect, as an attempt at

such a moment would never be anticipated. As the brig was snugly

laid-to, there would be no necessity of manoeuvring her until

good weather, when, if we succeeded in our attempt, we might

liberate one, or perhaps two of the men, to aid us in taking her

into port. The main difficulty was the great disproportion in our

forces. There were only three of us, and in the cabin there were

nine. All the arms on board, too, were in their possession, with

the exception of a pair of small pistols which Peters had

concealed about his person, and the large seaman’s knife which he

always wore in the waistband of his pantaloons. From certain

indications, too—such, for example, as there being no such thing

as an axe or a handspike lying in their customary places—we began

to fear that the mate had his suspicions, at least in regard to

Peters, and that he would let slip no opportunity of getting rid

of him. It was clear, indeed, that what we should determine to do

could not be done too soon. Still the odds were too much against

us to allow of our proceeding without the greatest caution.

Peters proposed that he should go up on deck, and enter into

conversation with the watch (Allen), when he would be able to

throw him into the sea without trouble, and without making any

disturbance, by seizing a good opportunity, that Augustus and

myself should then come up, and endeavour to provide ourselves

with some kind of weapons from the deck, and that we should then

make a rush together, and secure the companion-way before any

opposition could be offered. I objected to this, because I could

not believe that the mate (who was a cunning fellow in all

matters which did not affect his superstitious prejudices) would

suffer himself to be so easily entrapped. The very fact of there

being a watch on deck at all was sufficient proof that he was

upon the alert,—it not being usual except in vessels where

discipline is most rigidly enforced, to station a watch on deck

when a vessel is lying-to in a gale of wind. As I address myself

principally, if not altogether, to persons who have never been to

sea, it may be as well to state the exact condition of a vessel

under such circumstances. Lying-to, or, in sea-parlance,

“laying-to,” is a measure resorted to for various purposes, and

effected in various manners. In moderate weather it is frequently

done with a view of merely bringing the vessel to a stand-still,

to wait for another vessel or any similar object. If the vessel

which lies-to is under full sail, the manoeuvre is usually

accomplished by throwing round some portion of her sails, so as

to let the wind take them aback, when she becomes stationary. But

we are now speaking of lying-to in a gale of wind. This is done

when the wind is ahead, and too violent to admit of carrying sail

without danger of capsizing; and sometimes even when the wind is

fair, but the sea too heavy for the vessel to be put before it.

If a vessel be suffered to scud before the wind in a very heavy

sea, much damage is usually done her by the shipping of water

over her stern, and sometimes by the violent plunges she makes

forward. This manoeuvre, then, is seldom resorted to in such

case, unless through necessity. When the vessel is in a leaky

condition she is often put before the wind even in the heaviest

seas; for, when lying-to, her seams are sure to be greatly opened

by her violent straining, and it is not so much the case when

scudding. Often, too, it becomes necessary to scud a vessel,

either when the blast is so exceedingly furious as to tear in

pieces the sail which is employed with a view of bringing her

head to the wind, or when, through the false modelling of the

frame or other causes, this main object cannot be effected.

Vessels in a gale of wind are laid-to in different manners,

according to their peculiar construction. Some lie-to best under

a foresail, and this, I believe, is the sail most usually

employed. Large square-rigged vessels have sails for the express

purpose, called storm-staysails. But the jib is occasionally

employed by itself,—sometimes the jib and foresail, or a

double-reefed foresail, and not unfrequently the after-sails, are

made use of. Foretopsails are very often found to answer the

purpose better than any other species of sail. The Grampus was

generally laid-to under a close-reefed foresail.

When a vessel is to be laid-to, her head is brought up to the

wind just so nearly as to fill the sail under which she lies when

hauled flat aft, that is, when brought diagonally across the

vessel. This being done, the bows point within a few degrees of

the direction from which the wind issues, and the windward bow of

course receives the shock of the waves. In this situation a good

vessel will ride out a very heavy gale of wind without shipping a

drop of water, and without any further attention being requisite

on the part of the crew. The helm is usually lashed down, but

this is altogether unnecessary (except on account of the noise it

makes when loose), for the rudder has no effect upon the vessel

when lying-to. Indeed, the helm had far better be left loose than

lashed very fast, for the rudder is apt to be torn off by heavy

seas if there be no room for the helm to play. As long as the

sail holds, a well modelled vessel will maintain her situation,

and ride every sea, as if instinct with life and reason. If the

violence of the wind, however, should tear the sail into pieces

(a feat which it requires a perfect hurricane to accomplish under

ordinary circumstances), there is then imminent danger. The

vessel falls off from the wind, and, coming broadside to the sea,

is completely at its mercy: the only resource in this case is to

put her quietly before the wind, letting her scud until some

other sail can be set. Some vessels will lie-to under no sail

whatever, but such are not to be trusted at sea.

But to return from this digression. It had never been customary

with the mate to have any watch on deck when lying-to in a gale

of wind, and the fact that he had now one, coupled with the

circumstance of the missing axes and handspikes, fully convinced

us that the crew were too well on the watch to be taken by

surprise in the manner Peters had suggested. Something, however,

was to be done, and that with as little delay as practicable, for

there could be no doubt that a suspicion having been once

entertained against Peters, he would be sacrificed upon the

earliest occasion, and one would certainly be either found or

made upon the breaking of the gale.

Augustus now suggested that if Peters could contrive to remove,

under any pretext, the piece of chain-cable which lay over the

trap in the stateroom, we might possibly be able to come upon

them unawares by means of the hold; but a little reflection

convinced us that the vessel rolled and pitched too violently for

any attempt of that nature.

By good fortune I at length hit upon the idea of working upon the

superstitious terrors and guilty conscience of the mate. It will

be remembered that one of the crew, Hartman Rogers, had died

during the morning, having been attacked two days before with

spasms after drinking some spirits and water. Peters had

expressed to us his opinion that this man had been poisoned by

the mate, and for this belief he had reasons, so he said, which

were incontrovertible, but which he could not be prevailed upon

to explain to us—this wayward refusal being only in keeping with

other points of his singular character. But whether or not he had

any better grounds for suspecting the mate than we had ourselves,

we were easily led to fall in with his suspicion, and determined

to act accordingly.

Rogers had died about eleven in the forenoon, in violent

convulsions; and the corpse presented in a few minutes after

death one of the most horrid and loathsome spectacles I ever

remember to have seen. The stomach was swollen immensely, like

that of a man who has been drowned and lain under water for many

weeks. The hands were in the same condition, while the face was

shrunken, shrivelled, and of a chalky whiteness, except where

relieved by two or three glaring red blotches like those

occasioned by the erysipelas: one of these blotches extended

diagonally across the face, completely covering up an eye as if

with a band of red velvet. In this disgusting condition the body

had been brought up from the cabin at noon to be thrown

overboard, when the mate getting a glimpse of it (for he now saw

it for the first time), and being either touched with remorse for

his crime or struck with terror at so horrible a sight, ordered

the men to sew the body up in its hammock, and allow it the usual

rites of sea-burial. Having given these directions, he went

below, as if to avoid any further sight of his victim. While

preparations were making to obey his orders, the gale came on

with great fury, and the design was abandoned for the present.

The corpse, left to itself, was washed into the larboard

scuppers, where it still lay at the time of which I speak,

floundering about with the furious lurches of the brig.

Having arranged our plan, we set about putting it in execution as

speedily as possible. Peters went upon deck, and, as he had

anticipated, was immediately accosted by Allen, who appeared to

be stationed more as a watch upon the forecastle than for any

other purpose. The fate of this villain, however, was speedily

and silently decided; for Peters, approaching him in a careless

manner, as if about to address him, seized him by the throat,

and, before he could utter a single cry, tossed him over the

bulwarks. He then called to us, and we came up. Our first

precaution was to look about for something with which to arm

ourselves, and in doing this we had to proceed with great care,

for it was impossible to stand on deck an instant without holding

fast, and violent seas broke over the vessel at every plunge

forward. It was indispensable, too, that we should be quick in

our operations, for every minute we expected the mate to be up to

set the pumps going, as it was evident the brig must be taking in

water very fast. After searching about for some time, we could

find nothing more fit for our purpose than the two pump-handles,

one of which Augustus took, and I the other. Having secured

these, we stripped off the shirt of the corpse and dropped the

body overboard. Peters and myself then went below, leaving

Augustus to watch upon deck, where he took his station just where

Allen had been placed, and with his back to the cabin

companionway, so that, if any of the mate's gang should come up,

he might suppose it was the watch.

As soon as I got below I commenced disguising myself so as to

represent the corpse of Rogers. The shirt which we had taken from

the body aided us very much, for it was of singular form and

character, and easily recognizable—a kind of smock, which the

deceased wore over his other clothing. It was a blue stockinett,

with large white stripes running across. Having put this on, I

proceeded to equip myself with a false stomach, in imitation of

the horrible deformity of the swollen corpse. This was soon

effected by means of stuffing with some bedclothes. I then gave

the same appearance to my hands by drawing on a pair of white

woollen mittens, and filling them in with any kind of rags that

offered themselves. Peters then arranged my face, first rubbing

it well over with white chalk, and afterward blotching it with

blood, which he took from a cut in his finger. The streak across

the eye was not forgotten and presented a most shocking

appearance.

CHAPTER 8

As I viewed myself in a fragment of looking-glass which hung up

in the cabin, and by the dim light of a kind of battle-lantern, I

was so impressed with a sense of vague awe at my appearance, and

at the recollection of the terrific reality which I was thus

representing, that I was seized with a violent tremour, and could

scarcely summon resolution to go on with my part. It was

necessary, however, to act with decision, and Peters and myself

went upon deck.

We there found everything safe, and, keeping close to the

bulwarks, the three of us crept to the cabin companion-way. It

was only partially closed, precautions having been taken to

prevent its being suddenly pushed to from without, by means of

placing billets of wood on the upper step so as to interfere with

the shutting. We found no difficulty in getting a full view of

the interior of the cabin through the cracks where the hinges

were placed. It now proved to have been very fortunate for us

that we had not attempted to take them by surprise, for they were

evidently on the alert. Only one was asleep, and he lying just at

the foot of the companion-ladder, with a musket by his side. The

rest were seated on several mattresses, which had been taken from

the berths and thrown on the floor. They were engaged in earnest

conversation; and although they had been carousing, as appeared

from two empty jugs, with some tin tumblers which lay about, they

were not as much intoxicated as usual. All had knives, one or two

of them pistols, and a great many muskets were lying in a berth

close at hand.

We listened to their conversation for some time before we could

make up our minds how to act, having as yet resolved on nothing

determinate, except that we would attempt to paralyze their

exertions, when we should attack them, by means of the apparition

of Rogers. They were discussing their piratical plans, in which

all we could hear distinctly was, that they would unite with the

crew of a schooner _Hornet_, and, if possible, get the schooner

herself into their possession preparatory to some attempt on a

large scale, the particulars of which could not be made out by

either of us.

One of the men spoke of Peters, when the mate replied to him in a

low voice which could not be distinguished, and afterward added

more loudly, that “he could not understand his being so much

forward with the captain’s brat in the forecastle, and he thought

the sooner both of them were overboard the better.” To this no

answer was made, but we could easily perceive that the hint was

well received by the whole party, and more particularly by Jones.

At this period I was excessively agitated, the more so as I could

see that neither Augustus nor Peters could determine how to act.

I made up my mind, however, to sell my life as dearly as

possible, and not to suffer myself to be overcome by any feelings

of trepidation.

The tremendous noise made by the roaring of the wind in the

rigging, and the washing of the sea over the deck, prevented us

from hearing what was said, except during momentary lulls. In one

of these, we all distinctly heard the mate tell one of the men to

“go forward, have an eye upon them, for he wanted no such secret

doings on board the brig.” It was well for us that the pitching

of the vessel at this moment was so violent as to prevent this

order from being carried into instant execution. The cook got up

from his mattress to go for us, when a tremendous lurch, which I

thought would carry away the masts, threw him headlong against

one of the larboard stateroom doors, bursting it open, and

creating a good deal of other confusion. Luckily, neither of our

party was thrown from his position, and we had time to make a

precipitate retreat to the forecastle, and arrange a hurried plan

of action before the messenger made his appearance, or rather

before he put his head out of the companion-hatch, for he did not

come on deck. From this station he could not notice the absence

of Allen, and he accordingly bawled out, as if to him, repeating

the orders of the mate. Peters cried out, “Ay, ay,” in a

disguised voice, and the cook immediately went below, without

entertaining a suspicion that all was not right.

My two companions now proceeded boldly aft and down into the

cabin, Peters closing the door after him in the same manner he

had found it. The mate received them with feigned cordiality, and

told Augustus that, since he had behaved himself so well of late,

he might take up his quarters in the cabin and be one of them for

the future. He then poured him out a tumbler half full of rum,

and made him drink it. All this I saw and heard, for I followed

my friends to the cabin as soon as the door was shut, and took up

my old point of observation. I had brought with me the two

pump-handles, one of which I secured near the companion-way, to

be ready for use when required.

I now steadied myself as well as possible so as to have a good

view of all that was passing within, and endeavoured to nerve

myself to the task of descending among the mutineers when Peters

should make a signal to me, as agreed upon. Presently he

contrived to turn the conversation upon the bloody deeds of the

mutiny, and by degrees led the men to talk of the thousand

superstitions which are so universally current among seamen. I

could not make out all that was said, but I could plainly see the

effects of the conversation in the countenances of those present.

The mate was evidently much agitated, and presently, when some

one mentioned the terrific appearance of Rogers’ corpse, I

thought he was upon the point of swooning. Peters now asked him

if he did not think it would be better to have the body thrown

overboard at once as it was too horrible a sight to see it

floundering about in the scuppers. At this the villain absolutely

gasped for breath, and turned his head slowly round upon his

companions, as if imploring some one to go up and perform the

task. No one, however, stirred, and it was quite evident that the

whole party were wound up to the highest pitch of nervous

excitement. Peters now made me the signal. I immediately threw

open the door of the companion-way, and, descending, without

uttering a syllable, stood erect in the midst of the party.

The intense effect produced by this sudden apparition is not at

all to be wondered at when the various circumstances are taken

into consideration. Usually, in cases of a similar nature, there

is left in the mind of the spectator some glimmering of doubt as

to the reality of the vision before his eyes; a degree of hope,

however feeble, that he is the victim of chicanery, and that the

apparition is not actually a visitant from the old world of

shadows. It is not too much to say that such remnants of doubt

have been at the bottom of almost every such visitation, and that

the appalling horror which has sometimes been brought about, is

to be attributed, even in the cases most in point, and where most

suffering has been experienced, more to a kind of anticipative

horror, lest the apparition might possibly be real, than to an

unwavering belief in its reality. But, in the present instance,

it will be seen immediately, that in the minds of the mutineers

there was not even the shadow of a basis upon which to rest a

doubt that the apparition of Rogers was indeed a revivification

of his disgusting corpse, or at least its spiritual image. The

isolated situation of the brig, with its entire inaccessibility

on account of the gale, confined the apparently possible means of

deception within such narrow and definite limits, that they must

have thought themselves enabled to survey them all at a glance.

They had now been at sea twenty-four days, without holding more

than a speaking communication with any vessel whatever. The whole

of the crew, too—at least all whom they had the most remote

reason for suspecting to be on board—were assembled in the cabin,

with the exception of Allen, the watch; and his gigantic stature

(he was six feet six inches high) was too familiar in their eyes

to permit the notion that he was the apparition before them to

enter their minds even for an instant. Add to these

considerations the awe-inspiring nature of the tempest, and that

of the conversation brought about by Peters; the deep impression

which the loathsomeness of the actual corpse had made in the

morning upon the imaginations of the men; the excellence of the

imitation in my person, and the uncertain and wavering light in

which they beheld me, as the glare of the cabin lantern, swinging

violently to and fro, fell dubiously and fitfully upon my figure,

and there will be no reason to wonder that the deception had even

more than the entire effect which we had anticipated. The mate

sprang up from the mattress on which he was lying, and, without

uttering a syllable, fell back, stone dead, upon the cabin floor,

and was hurled to the leeward like a log by a heavy roll of the

brig. Of the remaining seven, there were but three who had at

first any degree of presence of mind. The four others sat for

some time rooted apparently to the floor, the most pitiable

objects of horror and utter despair my eyes ever encountered. The

only opposition we experienced at all was from the cook, John

Hunt, and Richard Parker; but they made but a feeble and

irresolute defence. The two former were shot instantly by Peters,

and I felled Parker with a blow on the head from the pump-handle

which I had brought with me. In the meantime, Augustus seized one

of the muskets lying on the floor and shot another mutineer

Wilson through the breast. There were now but three remaining;

but by this time they had become aroused from their lethargy, and

perhaps began to see that a deception had been practised upon

them, for they fought with great resolution and fury, and, but

for the immense muscular strength of Peters, might have

ultimately got the better of us. These three men were—Jones,

Greely, and Absolom Hicks. Jones had thrown Augustus to the

floor, stabbed him in several places along the right arm, and

would no doubt have soon dispatched him (as neither Peters nor

myself could immediately get rid of our own antagonists), had it

not been for the timely aid of a friend, upon whose assistance

we, surely, had never depended. This friend was no other than

Tiger. With a low growl, he bounded into the cabin, at a most

critical moment for Augustus, and throwing himself upon Jones,

pinned him to the floor in an instant. My friend, however, was

now too much injured to render us any aid whatever, and I was so

encumbered with my disguise that I could do but little. The dog

would not leave his hold upon the throat of Jones—Peters,

nevertheless, was far more than a match for the two men who

remained, and would, no doubt, have dispatched them sooner, had

it not been for the narrow space in which he had to act, and the

tremendous lurches of the vessel. Presently he was enabled to get

hold of a heavy stool, several of which lay about the floor. With

this he beat out the brains of Greely as he was in the act of

discharging a musket at me, and immediately afterward a roll of

the brig throwing him in contact with Hicks, he seized him by the

throat, and, by dint of sheer strength, strangled him

instantaneously. Thus, in far less time than I have taken to tell

it, we found ourselves masters of the brig.

The only person of our opponents who was left alive was Richard

Parker. This man, it will be remembered, I had knocked down with

a blow from the pump-handle at the commencement of the attack. He

now lay motionless by the door of the shattered stateroom; but,

upon Peters touching him with his foot, he spoke, and entreated

for mercy. His head was only slightly cut, and otherwise he had

received no injury, having been merely stunned by the blow. He

now got up, and, for the present, we secured his hands behind his

back. The dog was still growling over Jones; but, upon

examination, we found him completely dead, the blood issuing in a

stream from a deep wound in the throat, inflicted, no doubt, by

the sharp teeth of the animal.

It was now about one o’clock in the morning, and the wind was

still blowing tremendously. The brig evidently laboured much more

than usual, and it became absolutely necessary that something

should be done with a view of easing her in some measure. At

almost every roll to leeward she shipped a sea, several of which

came partially down into the cabin during our scuffle, the

hatchway having been left open by myself when I descended. The

entire range of bulwarks to larboard had been swept away, as well

as the caboose, together with the jollyboat from the counter. The

creaking and working of the mainmast, too, gave indication that

it was nearly sprung. To make room for more stowage in the

afterhold, the heel of this mast had been stepped between decks

(a very reprehensible practice, occasionally resorted to by

ignorant ship-builders), so that it was in imminent danger of

working from its step. But, to crown all our difficulties, we

plummed the well, and found no less than seven feet of water.

Leaving the bodies of the crew lying in the cabin, we got to work

immediately at the pumps—Parker, of course, being set at liberty

to assist us in the labour. Augustus’s arm was bound up as well

as we could effect it, and he did what he could, but that was not

much. However, we found that we could just manage to keep the

leak from gaining upon us by having one pump constantly going. As

there were only four of us, this was severe labour; but we

endeavoured to keep up our spirits, and looked anxiously for

daybreak, when we hoped to lighten the brig by cutting away the

mainmast.

In this manner we passed a night of terrible anxiety and fatigue,

and, when the day at length broke, the gale had neither abated in

the least, nor were there any signs of its abating. We now

dragged the bodies on deck and threw them overboard. Our next

care was to get rid of the mainmast. The necessary preparations

having been made, Peters cut away at the mast (having found axes

in the cabin), while the rest of us stood by the stays and

lanyards. As the brig gave a tremendous lee-lurch, the word was

given to cut away the weather-lanyards, which being done, the

whole mass of wood and rigging plunged into the sea, clear of the

brig, and without doing any material injury. We now found that

the vessel did not labour quite as much as before, but our

situation was still exceedingly precarious, and in spite of the

utmost exertions, we could not gain upon the leak without the aid

of both pumps. The little assistance which Augustus could render

us was not really of any importance. To add to our distress, a

heavy sea, striking the brig to the windward, threw her off

several points from the wind, and, before she could regain her

position, another broke completely over her, and hurled her full

upon her beam-ends. The ballast now shifted in a mass to leeward

(the stowage had been knocking about perfectly at random for some

time), and for a few moments we thought nothing could save us

from capsizing. Presently, however, we partially righted; but the

ballast still retaining its place to larboard, we lay so much

along that it was useless to think of working the pumps, which

indeed we could not have done much longer in any case, as our

hands were entirely raw with the excessive labour we had

undergone, and were bleeding in the most horrible manner.

Contrary to Parker’s advice, we now proceeded to cut away the

foremast, and at length accomplished it after much difficulty,

owing to the position in which we lay. In going overboard the

wreck took with it the bowsprit, and left us a complete hulk.

So far we had had reason to rejoice in the escape of our

longboat, which had received no damage from any of the huge seas

which had come on board. But we had not long to congratulate

ourselves; for the foremast having gone, and, of course, the

foresail with it, by which the brig had been steadied, every sea

now made a complete breach over us, and in five minutes our deck

was swept from stem to stern, the longboat and starboard bulwarks

torn off, and even the windlass shattered into fragments. It was,

indeed, hardly possible for us to be in a more pitiable

condition.

At noon there seemed to be some slight appearance of the gale’s

abating, but in this we were sadly disappointed, for it only

lulled for a few minutes to blow with redoubled fury. About four

in the afternoon it was utterly impossible to stand up against

the violence of the blast; and, as the night closed in upon us, I

had not a shadow of hope that the vessel would hold together

until morning.

By midnight we had settled very deep in the water, which was now

up to the orlop deck. The rudder went soon afterward, the sea

which tore it away lifting the after portion of the brig entirely

from the water, against which she thumped in her descent with

such a concussion as would be occasioned by going ashore. We had

all calculated that the rudder would hold its own to the last, as

it was unusually strong, being rigged as I have never seen one

rigged either before or since. Down its main timber there ran a

succession of stout iron hooks, and others in the same manner

down the stern-post. Through these hooks there extended a very

thick wrought-iron rod, the rudder being thus held to the

stern-post and swinging freely on the rod. The tremendous force

of the sea which tore it off may be estimated by the fact, that

the hooks in the stern-post, which ran entirely through it, being

clinched on the inside, were drawn every one of them completely

out of the solid wood.

We had scarcely time to draw breath after the violence of this

shock, when one of the most tremendous waves I had then ever

known broke right on board of us, sweeping the companion-way

clear off, bursting in the hatchways, and filling every inch of

the vessel with water.

CHAPTER 9

Luckily, just before night, all four of us had lashed ourselves

firmly to the fragments of the windlass, lying in this manner as

flat upon the deck as possible. This precaution alone saved us

from destruction. As it was, we were all more or less stunned by

the immense weight of water which tumbled upon us, and which did

not roll from above us until we were nearly exhausted. As soon as

I could recover breath, I called aloud to my companions. Augustus

alone replied, saying: “It is all over with us, and may God have

mercy upon our souls!” By-and-by both the others were enabled to

speak, when they exhorted us to take courage, as there was still

hope; it being impossible, from the nature of the cargo, that the

brig could go down, and there being every chance that the gale

would blow over by the morning. These words inspired me with new

life; for, strange as it may seem, although it was obvious that a

vessel with a cargo of empty oil-casks would not sink, I had been

hitherto so confused in mind as to have overlooked this

consideration altogether; and the danger which I had for some

time regarded as the most imminent was that of foundering. As

hope revived within me, I made use of every opportunity to

strengthen the lashings which held me to the remains of the

windlass, and in this occupation I soon discovered that my

companions were also busy. The night was as dark as it could

possibly be, and the horrible shrieking din and confusion which

surrounded us it is useless to attempt describing. Our deck lay

level with the sea, or rather we were encircled with a towering

ridge of foam, a portion of which swept over us every instant. It

is not too much to say that our heads were not fairly out of the

water more than one second in three. Although we lay close

together, no one of us could see the other, or, indeed, any

portion of the brig itself, upon which we were so tempestuously

hurled about. At intervals we called one to the other, thus

endeavouring to keep alive hope, and render consolation and

encouragement to such of us as stood most in need of it. The

feeble condition of Augustus made him an object of solicitude

with us all; and as, from the lacerated condition of his right

arm, it must have been impossible for him to secure his lashings

with any degree of firmness, we were in momentary expectation of

finding that he had gone overboard—yet to render him aid was a

thing altogether out of the question. Fortunately, his station

was more secure than that of any of the rest of us; for the upper

part of his body lying just beneath a portion of the shattered

windlass, the seas, as they tumbled in upon him, were greatly

broken in their violence. In any other situation than this (into

which he had been accidentally thrown after having lashed himself

in a very exposed spot) he must inevitably have perished before

morning. Owing to the brig’s lying so much along, we were all

less liable to be washed off than otherwise would have been the

case. The heel, as I have before stated, was to larboard, about

one half of the deck being constantly under water. The seas,

therefore, which struck us to starboard were much broken, by the

vessel’s side, only reaching us in fragments as we lay flat on

our faces; while those which came from larboard being what are

called back-water seas, and obtaining little hold upon us on

account of our posture, had not sufficient force to drag us from

our fastenings.

In this frightful situation we lay until the day broke so as to

show us more fully the horrors which surrounded us. The brig was

a mere log, rolling about at the mercy of every wave; the gale

was upon the increase, if any thing, blowing indeed a complete

hurricane, and there appeared to us no earthly prospect of

deliverance. For several hours we held on in silence, expecting

every moment that our lashings would either give way, that the

remains of the windlass would go by the board, or that some of

the huge seas, which roared in every direction around us and

above us, would drive the hulk so far beneath the water that we

should be drowned before it could regain the surface. By the

mercy of God, however, we were preserved from these imminent

dangers, and about midday were cheered by the light of the

blessed sun. Shortly afterward we could perceive a sensible

diminution in the force of the wind, when, now for the first time

since the latter part of the evening before, Augustus spoke,

asking Peters, who lay closest to him, if he thought there was

any possibility of our being saved. As no reply was at first made

to this question, we all concluded that the hybrid had been

drowned where he lay; but presently, to our great joy, he spoke,

although very feebly, saying that he was in great pain, being so

cut by the tightness of his lashings across the stomach, that he

must either find means of loosening them or perish, as it was

impossible that he could endure his misery much longer. This

occasioned us great distress, as it was altogether useless to

think of aiding him in any manner while the sea continued washing

over us as it did. We exhorted him to bear his sufferings with

fortitude, and promised to seize the first opportunity which

should offer itself to relieve him. He replied that it would soon

be too late; that it would be all over with him before we could

help him; and then, after moaning for some minutes, lay silent,

when we concluded that he had perished.

As the evening drew on, the sea had fallen so much that scarcely

more than one wave broke over the hulk from windward in the

course of five minutes, and the wind had abated a great deal,

although still blowing a severe gale. I had not heard any of my

companions speak for hours, and now called to Augustus. He

replied, although very feebly, so that I could not distinguish

what he said. I then spoke to Peters and to Parker, neither of

whom returned any answer.

Shortly after this period I fell into a state of partial

insensibility, during which the most pleasing images floated in

my imagination; such as green trees, waving meadows of ripe

grain, processions of dancing girls, troops of cavalry, and other

phantasies. I now remember that, in all which passed before my

mind’s eye, motion was a predominant idea. Thus, I never fancied

any stationary object, such as a house, a mountain, or any thing

of that kind; but windmills, ships, large birds, balloons, people

on horseback, carriages driving furiously, and similar moving

objects, presented themselves in endless succession. When I

recovered from this state, the sun was, as near as I could guess,

an hour high. I had the greatest difficulty in bringing to

recollection the various circumstances connected with my

situation, and for some time remained firmly convinced that I was

still in the hold of the brig, near the box, and that the body of

Parker was that of Tiger.

When I at length completely came to my senses, I found that the

wind blew no more than a moderate breeze, and that the sea was

comparatively calm; so much so that it only washed over the brig

amidships. My left arm had broken loose from its lashings, and

was much cut about the elbow; my right was entirely benumbed, and

the hand and wrist swollen prodigiously by the pressure of the

rope, which had worked from the shoulder downward. I was also in

great pain from another rope which went about my waist, and had

been drawn to an insufferable degree of tightness. Looking round

upon my companions, I saw that Peters still lived, although a

thick line was pulled so forcibly around his loins as to give him

the appearance of being cut nearly in two; as I stirred, he made

a feeble motion to me with his hand, pointing to the rope.

Augustus gave no indication of life whatever, and was bent nearly

double across a splinter of the windlass. Parker spoke to me when

he saw me moving, and asked me if I had not sufficient strength

to release him from his situation, saying that if I would summon

up what spirits I could, and contrive to untie him, we might yet

save our lives; but that otherwise we must all perish. I told him

to take courage, and I would endeavor to free him. Feeling in my

pantaloons’ pocket, I got hold of my penknife, and, after several

ineffectual attempts, at length succeeded in opening it. I then,

with my left hand, managed to free my right from its fastenings,

and afterward cut the other ropes which held me. Upon attempting,

however, to move from my position, I found that my legs failed me

altogether, and that I could not get up; neither could I move my

right arm in any direction. Upon mentioning this to Parker, he

advised me to lie quiet for a few minutes, holding on to the

windlass with my left hand, so as to allow time for the blood to

circulate. Doing this, the numbness presently began to die away

so that I could move first one of my legs, and then the other,

and, shortly afterward I regained the partial use of my right

arm. I now crawled with great caution toward Parker, without

getting on my legs, and soon cut loose all the lashings about

him, when, after a short delay, he also recovered the partial use

of his limbs. We now lost no time in getting loose the rope from

Peters. It had cut a deep gash through the waistband of his

woollen pantaloons, and through two shirts, and made its way into

his groin, from which the blood flowed out copiously as we

removed the cordage. No sooner had we removed it, however, than

he spoke, and seemed to experience instant relief—being able to

move with much greater ease than either Parker or myself—this was

no doubt owing to the discharge of blood.

We had little hopes that Augustus would recover, as he evinced no

signs of life; but, upon getting to him, we discovered that he

had merely swooned from the loss of blood, the bandages we had

placed around his wounded arm having been torn off by the water;

none of the ropes which held him to the windlass were drawn

sufficiently tight to occasion his death. Having relieved him

from the fastenings, and got him clear of the broken wood about

the windlass, we secured him in a dry place to windward, with his

head somewhat lower than his body, and all three of us busied

ourselves in chafing his limbs. In about half an hour he came to

himself, although it was not until the next morning that he gave

signs of recognizing any of us, or had sufficient strength to

speak. By the time we had thus got clear of our lashings it was

quite dark, and it began to cloud up, so that we were again in

the greatest agony lest it should come on to blow hard, in which

event nothing could have saved us from perishing, exhausted as we

were. By good fortune it continued very moderate during the

night, the sea subsiding every minute, which gave us great hopes

of ultimate preservation. A gentle breeze still blew from the N.

W., but the weather was not at all cold. Augustus was lashed

carefully to windward in such a manner as to prevent him from

slipping overboard with the rolls of the vessel, as he was still

too weak to hold on at all. For ourselves there was no such

necessity. We sat close together, supporting each other with the

aid of the broken ropes about the windlass, and devising methods

of escape from our frightful situation. We derived much comfort

from taking off our clothes and wringing the water from them.

When we put them on after this, they felt remarkably warm and

pleasant, and served to invigorate us in no little degree. We

helped Augustus off with his, and wrung them for him, when he

experienced the same comfort.

Our chief sufferings were now those of hunger and thirst, and

when we looked forward to the means of relief in this respect,

our hearts sunk within us, and we were induced to regret that we

had escaped the less dreadful perils of the sea. We endeavoured,

however, to console ourselves with the hope of being speedily

picked up by some vessel and encouraged each other to bear with

fortitude the evils that might happen.

The morning of the fourteenth at length dawned, and the weather

still continued clear and pleasant, with a steady but very light

breeze from the N. W. The sea was now quite smooth, and as, from

some cause which we could not determine, the brig did not lie so

much along as she had done before, the deck was comparatively

dry, and we could move about with freedom. We had now been better

than three entire days and nights without either food or drink,

and it became absolutely necessary that we should make an attempt

to get up something from below. As the brig was completely full

of water, we went to this work despondently, and with but little

expectation of being able to obtain anything. We made a kind of

drag by driving some nails which we broke out from the remains of

the companion-hatch into two pieces of wood. Tying these across

each other, and fastening them to the end of a rope, we threw

them into the cabin, and dragged them to and fro, in the faint

hope of being thus able to entangle some article which might be

of use to us for food, or which might at least render us

assistance in getting it. We spent the greater part of the

morning in this labour without effect, fishing up nothing more

than a few bedclothes, which were readily caught by the nails.

Indeed, our contrivance was so very clumsy that any greater

success was hardly to be anticipated.

We now tried the forecastle, but equally in vain, and were upon

the brink of despair, when Peters proposed that we should fasten

a rope to his body, and let him make an attempt to get up

something by diving into the cabin. This proposition we hailed

with all the delight which reviving hope could inspire. He

proceeded immediately to strip off his clothes with the exception

of his pantaloons; and a strong rope was then carefully fastened

around his middle, being brought up over his shoulders in such a

manner that there was no possibility of its slipping. The

undertaking was one of great difficulty and danger; for, as we

could hardly expect to find much, if any, provision in the cabin

itself, it was necessary that the diver, after letting himself

down, should make a turn to the right, and proceed under water a

distance of ten or twelve feet, in a narrow passage, to the

storeroom, and return, without drawing breath.

Everything being ready, Peters now descended in the cabin, going

down the companion-ladder until the water reached his chin. He

then plunged in, head first, turning to the right as he plunged,

and endeavouring to make his way to the storeroom. In this first

attempt, however, he was altogether unsuccessful. In less than

half a minute after his going down we felt the rope jerked

violently (the signal we had agreed upon when he desired to be

drawn up). We accordingly drew him up instantly, but so

incautiously as to bruise him badly against the ladder. He had

brought nothing with him, and had been unable to penetrate more

than a very little way into the passage, owing to the constant

exertions he found it necessary to make in order to keep himself

from floating up against the deck. Upon getting out he was very

much exhausted, and had to rest full fifteen minutes before he

could again venture to descend.

The second attempt met with even worse success; for he remained

so long under water without giving the signal, that, becoming

alarmed for his safety, we drew him out without it, and found

that he was almost at the last gasp, having, as he said,

repeatedly jerked at the rope without our feeling it. This was

probably owing to a portion of it having become entangled in the

balustrade at the foot of the ladder. This balustrade was,

indeed, so much in the way, that we determined to remove it, if

possible, before proceeding with our design. As we had no means

of getting it away except by main force, we all descended into

the water as far as we could on the ladder, and giving a pull

against it with our united strength, succeeded in breaking it

down.

The third attempt was equally unsuccessful with the two first,

and it now became evident that nothing could be done in this

manner without the aid of some weight with which the diver might

steady himself, and keep to the floor of the cabin while making

his search. For a long time we looked about in vain for something

which might answer this purpose; but at length, to our great joy,

we discovered one of the weather-forechains so loose that we had

not the least difficulty in wrenching it off. Having fastened

this securely to one of his ankles, Peters now made his fourth

descent into the cabin, and this time succeeded in making his way

to the door of the steward’s room. To his inexpressible grief,

however, he found it locked, and was obliged to return without

effecting an entrance, as, with the greatest exertion, he could

remain under water not more, at the utmost extent, than a single

minute. Our affairs now looked gloomy indeed, and neither

Augustus nor myself could refrain from bursting into tears, as we

thought of the host of difficulties which encompassed us, and the

slight probability which existed of our finally making an escape.

But this weakness was not of long duration. Throwing ourselves on

our knees to God, we implored His aid in the many dangers which

beset us; and arose with renewed hope and vigor to think what

could yet be done by mortal means toward accomplishing our

deliverance.

CHAPTER 10

Shortly afterward an incident occurred which I am induced to look

upon as more intensely productive of emotion, as far more replete

with the extremes first of delight and then of horror, than even

any of the thousand chances which afterward befell me in nine

long years, crowded with events of the most startling and, in

many cases, of the most unconceived and unconceivable character.

We were lying on the deck near the companion-way, and debating

the possibility of yet making our way into the storeroom, when,

looking toward Augustus, who lay fronting myself, I perceived

that he had become all at once deadly pale, and that his lips

were quivering in the most singular and unaccountable manner.

Greatly alarmed, I spoke to him, but he made me no reply, and I

was beginning to think that he was suddenly taken ill, when I

took notice of his eyes, which were glaring apparently at some

object behind me. I turned my head, and shall never forget the

ecstatic joy which thrilled through every particle of my frame,

when I perceived a large brig bearing down upon us, and not more

than a couple of miles off. I sprung to my feet as if a musket

bullet had suddenly struck me to the heart; and, stretching out

my arms in the direction of the vessel, stood in this manner,

motionless, and unable to articulate a syllable. Peters and

Parker were equally affected, although in different ways. The

former danced about the deck like a madman, uttering the most

extravagant rhodomontades, intermingled with howls and

imprecations, while the latter burst into tears, and continued

for many minutes weeping like a child.

The vessel in sight was a large hermaphrodite brig, of a Dutch

build, and painted black, with a tawdry gilt figure-head. She had

evidently seen a good deal of rough weather, and, we supposed,

had suffered much in the gale which had proved so disastrous to

ourselves; for her foretopmast was gone, and some of her

starboard bulwarks. When we first saw her, she was, as I have

already said, about two miles off and to windward, bearing down

upon us. The breeze was very gentle, and what astonished us

chiefly was, that she had no other sails set than her foremast

and mainsail, with a flying jib—of course she came down but

slowly, and our impatience amounted nearly to phrensy. The

awkward manner in which she steered, too, was remarked by all of

us, even excited as we were. She yawed about so considerably,

that once or twice we thought it impossible she could see us, or

imagined that, having seen us, and discovered no person on board,

she was about to tack and make off in another direction. Upon

each of these occasions we screamed and shouted at the top of our

voices, when the stranger would appear to change for a moment her

intention, and again hold on toward us—this singular conduct

being repeated two or three times, so that at last we could think

of no other manner of accounting for it than by supposing the

helmsman to be in liquor.

No person was seen upon her decks until she arrived within about

a quarter of a mile of us. We then saw three seamen, whom by

their dress we took to be Hollanders. Two of these were lying on

some old sails near the forecastle, and the third, who appeared

to be looking at us with great curiosity, was leaning over the

starboard bow near the bowsprit. This last was a stout and tall

man, with a very dark skin. He seemed by his manner to be

encouraging us to have patience, nodding to us in a cheerful

although rather odd way, and smiling constantly, so as to display

a set of the most brilliantly white teeth. As his vessel drew

nearer, we saw a red flannel cap which he had on fall from his

head into the water; but of this he took little or no notice,

continuing his odd smiles and gesticulations. I relate these

things and circumstances minutely, and I relate them, it must be

understood, precisely as they _appeared_to us.

The brig came on slowly, and now more steadily than before, and—I

cannot speak calmly of this event—our hearts leaped up wildly

within us, and we poured out our whole souls in shouts and

thanksgiving to God for the complete, unexpected, and glorious

deliverance that was so palpably at hand. Of a sudden, and all at

once, there came wafted over the ocean from the strange vessel

(which was now close upon us) a smell, a stench, such as the

whole world has no name for—no conception of—hellish—utterly

suffocating—insufferable, inconceivable. I gasped for breath, and

turning to my companions, perceived that they were paler than

marble. But we had now no time left for question or surmise—the

brig was within fifty feet of us, and it seemed to be her

intention to run under our counter, that we might board her

without putting out a boat. We rushed aft, when, suddenly, a wide

yaw threw her off full five or six points from the course she had

been running, and, as she passed under our stern at the distance

of about twenty feet, we had a full view of her decks. Shall I

ever forget the triple horror of that spectacle? Twenty-five or

thirty human bodies, among whom were several females, lay

scattered about between the counter and the galley in the last

and most loathsome state of putrefaction. We plainly saw that not

a soul lived in that fated vessel! Yet we could not help shouting

to the dead for help! Yes, long and loudly did we beg, in the

agony of the moment, that those silent and disgusting images

would stay for us, would not abandon us to become like them,

would receive us among their goodly company! We were raving with

horror and despair—thoroughly mad through the anguish of our

grievous disappointment.

As our first loud yell of terror broke forth, it was replied to

by something, from near the bowsprit of the stranger, so closely

resembling the scream of a human voice that the nicest ear might

have been startled and deceived. At this instant another sudden

yaw brought the region of the forecastle for a moment into view,

and we beheld at once the origin of the sound. We saw the tall

stout figure still leaning on the bulwark, and still nodding his

head to and fro, but his face was now turned from us so that we

could not behold it. His arms were extended over the rail, and

the palms of his hands fell outward. His knees were lodged upon a

stout rope, tightly stretched, and reaching from the heel of the

bowsprit to a cathead. On his back, from which a portion of the

shirt had been torn, leaving it bare, there sat a huge sea-gull,

busily gorging itself with the horrible flesh, its bill and

talons deep buried, and its white plumage spattered all over with

blood. As the brig moved farther round so as to bring us close in

view, the bird, with much apparent difficulty, drew out its

crimsoned head, and, after eyeing us for a moment as if

stupefied, arose lazily from the body upon which it had been

feasting, and, flying directly above our deck, hovered there a

while with a portion of clotted and liver-like substance in its

beak. The horrid morsel dropped at length with a sullen splash

immediately at the feet of Parker. May God forgive me, but now,

for the first time, there flashed through my mind a thought, a

thought which I will not mention, and I felt myself making a step

toward the ensanguined spot. I looked upward, and the eyes of

Augustus met my own with a degree of intense and eager meaning

which immediately brought me to my senses. I sprang forward

quickly, and, with a deep shudder, threw the frightful thing into

the sea.

The body from which it had been taken, resting as it did upon the

rope, had been easily swayed to and fro by the exertions of the

carnivorous bird, and it was this motion which had at first

impressed us with the belief of its being alive. As the gull

relieved it of its weight, it swung round and fell partially

over, so that the face was fully discovered. Never, surely, was

any object so terribly full of awe! The eyes were gone, and the

whole flesh around the mouth, leaving the teeth utterly naked.

This, then, was the smile which had cheered us on to hope! this

the—but I forbear. The brig, as I have already told, passed under

our stern, and made its way slowly but steadily to leeward. With

her and with her terrible crew went all our gay visions of

deliverance and joy. Deliberately as she went by, we might

possibly have found means of boarding her, had not our sudden

disappointment and the appalling nature of the discovery which

accompanied it laid entirely prostrate every active faculty of

mind and body. We had seen and felt, but we could neither think

nor act, until, alas! too late. How much our intellects had been

weakened by this incident may be estimated by the fact, that when

the vessel had proceeded so far that we could perceive no more

than the half of her hull, the proposition was seriously

entertained of attempting to overtake her by swimming!

I have, since this period, vainly endeavoured to obtain some clew

to the hideous uncertainty which enveloped the fate of the

stranger. Her build and general appearance, as I have before

stated, led us to the belief that she was a Dutch trader, and the

dresses of the crew also sustained this opinion. We might have

easily seen the name upon her stern, and, indeed, taken other

observations, which would have guided us in making out her

character; but the intense excitement of the moment blinded us to

every thing of that nature. From the saffron-like hue of such of

the corpses as were not entirely decayed, we concluded that the

whole of her company had perished by the yellow fever, or some

other virulent disease of the same fearful kind. If such were the

case (and I know not what else to imagine), death, to judge from

the positions of the bodies, must have come upon them in a manner

awfully sudden and overwhelming, in a way totally distinct from

that which generally characterizes even the most deadly

pestilences with which mankind are acquainted. It is possible,

indeed, that poison, accidentally introduced into some of their

sea-stores, may have brought about the disaster, or that the

eating of some unknown venomous species of fish, or other marine

animal, or oceanic bird, might have induced it—but it is utterly

useless to form conjectures where all is involved, and will, no

doubt, remain for ever involved, in the most appalling and

unfathomable mystery.

CHAPTER 11

We spent the remainder of the day in a condition of stupid

lethargy, gazing after the retreating vessel until the darkness,

hiding her from our sight, recalled us in some measure to our

senses. The pangs of hunger and thirst then returned, absorbing

all other cares and considerations. Nothing, however, could be

done until the morning, and, securing ourselves as well as

possible, we endeavoured to snatch a little repose. In this I

succeeded beyond my expectations, sleeping until my companions,

who had not been so fortunate, aroused me at daybreak to renew

our attempts at getting up provisions from the hull.

It was now a dead calm, with the sea as smooth as I have ever

known it,—the weather warm and pleasant. The brig was out of

sight. We commenced our operations by wrenching off, with some

trouble, another of the forechains; and having fastened both to

Peters’ feet, he again made an endeavour to reach the door of the

storeroom, thinking it possible that he might be able to force it

open, provided he could get at it in sufficient time; and this he

hoped to do, as the hulk lay much more steadily than before.

He succeeded very quickly in reaching the door, when, loosening

one of the chains from his ankle, he made every exertion to force

the passage with it, but in vain, the framework of the room being

far stronger than was anticipated. He was quite exhausted with

his long stay under water, and it became absolutely necessary

that some other one of us should take his place. For this service

Parker immediately volunteered; but, after making three

ineffectual efforts, found that he could never even succeed in

getting near the door. The condition of Augustus’s wounded arm

rendered it useless for him to attempt going down, as he would be

unable to force the room open should he reach it, and it

accordingly now devolved upon me to exert myself for our common

deliverance.

Peters had left one of the chains in the passage, and I found,

upon plunging in, that I had not sufficient balance to keep me

firmly down. I determined, therefore, to attempt no more, in my

first effort, than merely to recover the other chain. In groping

along the floor of the passage for this, I felt a hard substance,

which I immediately grasped, not having time to ascertain what it

was, but returning and ascending instantly to the surface. The

prize proved to be a bottle, and our joy may be conceived when I

say that it was found to be full of port wine. Giving thanks to

God for this timely and cheering assistance, we immediately drew

the cork with my penknife, and, each taking a moderate sup, felt

the most indescribable comfort from the warmth, strength, and

spirits with which it inspired us. We then carefully recorked the

bottle, and, by means of a handkerchief, swung it in such a

manner that there was no possibility of its getting broken.

Having rested a while after this fortunate discovery, I again

descended, and now recovered the chain, with which I instantly

came up. I then fastened it on and went down for the third time,

when I became fully satisfied that no exertions whatever, in that

situation, would enable me to force open the door of the

storeroom. I therefore returned in despair.

There seemed now to be no longer any room for hope, and I could

perceive in the countenances of my companions that they had made

up their minds to perish. The wine had evidently produced in them

a species of delirium, which, perhaps, I had been prevented from

feeling by the immersion I had undergone since drinking it. They

talked incoherently, and about matters unconnected with our

condition, Peters repeatedly asking me questions about Nantucket.

Augustus, too, I remember, approached me with a serious air, and

requested me to lend him a pocket-comb, as his hair was full of

fish-scales, and he wished to get them out before going on shore.

Parker appeared somewhat less affected, and urged me to dive at

random into the cabin, and bring up any article which might come

to hand. To this I consented, and, in the first attempt, after

staying under a full minute, brought up a small leather trunk

belonging to Captain Barnard. This was immediately opened in the

faint hope that it might contain something to eat or drink. We

found nothing, however, except a box of razors and two linen

shirts. I now went down again, and returned without any success.

As my head came above water I heard a crash on deck, and, upon

getting up, saw that my companions had ungratefully taken

advantage of my absence to drink the remainder of the wine,

having let the bottle fall in the endeavour to replace it before

I saw them. I remonstrated with them on the heartlessness of

their conduct, when Augustus burst into tears. The other two

endeavoured to laugh the matter off as a joke, but I hope never

again to behold laughter of such a species: the distortion of

countenance was absolutely frightful. Indeed, it was apparent

that the stimulus, in the empty state of their stomachs, had

taken instant and violent effect, and that they were all

exceedingly intoxicated. With great difficulty I prevailed upon

them to lie down, when they fell very soon into a heavy slumber,

accompanied with loud stertorous breathing.

I now found myself, as it were, alone in the brig, and my

reflections, to be sure, were of the most fearful and gloomy

nature. No prospect offered itself to my view but a lingering

death by famine, or, at the best, by being overwhelmed in the

first gale which should spring up, for in our present exhausted

condition we could have no hope of living through another.

The gnawing hunger which I now experienced was nearly

insupportable, and I felt myself capable of going to any lengths

in order to appease it. With my knife I cut off a small portion

of the leather trunk, and endeavoured to eat it, but found it

utterly impossible to swallow a single morsel, although I fancied

that some little alleviation of my suffering was obtained by

chewing small pieces of it and spitting them out. Toward night my

companions awoke, one by one, each in an indescribable state of

weakness and horror, brought on by the wine, whose fumes had now

evaporated. They shook as if with a violent ague, and uttered the

most lamentable cries for water. Their condition affected me in

the most lively degree, at the same time causing me to rejoice in

the fortunate train of circumstances which had prevented me from

indulging in the wine, and consequently from sharing their

melancholy and most distressing sensations. Their conduct,

however, gave me great uneasiness and alarm; for it was evident

that, unless some favourable change took place, they could afford

me no assistance in providing for our common safety. I had not

yet abandoned all idea of being able to get up something from

below; but the attempt could not possibly be resumed until some

one of them was sufficiently master of himself to aid me by

holding the end of the rope while I went down. Parker appeared to

be somewhat more in possession of his senses than the others, and

I endeavoured, by every means in my power, to rouse him. Thinking

that a plunge in the sea-water might have a beneficial effect, I

contrived to fasten the end of a rope around his body, and then,

leading him to the companion-way (he remaining quite passive all

the while), pushed him in, and immediately drew him out. I had

good reason to congratulate myself upon having made this

experiment; for he appeared much revived and invigorated, and,

upon getting out, asked me, in a rational manner, why I had so

served him. Having explained my object, he expressed himself

indebted to me, and said that he felt greatly better from the

immersion, afterward conversing sensibly upon our situation. We

then resolved to treat Augustus and Peters in the same way, which

we immediately did, when they both experienced much benefit from

the shock. This idea of sudden immersion had been suggested to me

by reading in some medical work the good effect of the

shower-bath in a case where the patient was suffering from _mania

a potu_.

Finding that I could now trust my companions to hold the end of

the rope, I again made three or four plunges into the cabin,

although it was now quite dark, and a gentle but long swell from

the northward rendered the hulk somewhat unsteady. In the course

of these attempts I succeeded in bringing up two case-knives, a

three-gallon jug, empty, and a blanket, but nothing which could

serve us for food. I continued my efforts, after getting these

articles, until I was completely exhausted, but brought up

nothing else. During the night Parker and Peters occupied

themselves by turns in the same manner; but nothing coming to

hand, we now gave up this attempt in despair, concluding that we

were exhausting ourselves in vain.

We passed the remainder of this night in a state of the most

intense mental and bodily anguish that can possibly be imagined.

The morning of the sixteenth at length dawned, and we looked

eagerly around the horizon for relief, but to no purpose. The sea

was still smooth, with only a long swell from the northward, as

on yesterday. This was the sixth day since we had tasted either

food or drink, with the exception of the bottle of port wine, and

it was clear that we could hold out but a very little while

longer unless something could be obtained. I never saw before,

nor wish to see again, human beings so utterly emaciated as

Peters and Augustus. Had I met them on shore in their present

condition I should not have had the slightest suspicion that I

had ever beheld them. Their countenances were totally changed in

character, so that I could not bring myself to believe them

really the same individuals with whom I had been in company but a

few days before. Parker, although sadly reduced, and so feeble

that he could not raise his head from his bosom, was not so far

gone as the other two. He suffered with great patience, making no

complaint, and endeavouring to inspire us with hope in every

manner he could devise. For myself, although at the commencement

of the voyage I had been in bad health, and was at all times of a

delicate constitution, I suffered less than any of us, being much

less reduced in frame, and retaining my powers of mind in a

surprising degree, while the rest were completely prostrated in

intellect, and seemed to be brought to a species of second

childhood, generally simpering in their expressions, with idiotic

smiles, and uttering the most absurd platitudes. At intervals,

however, they would appear to revive suddenly, as if inspired all

at once with a consciousness of their condition, when they would

spring upon their feet in a momentary flash of vigour, and speak,

for a short period, of their prospects, in a manner altogether

rational, although full of the most intense despair. It is

possible, however, that my companions may have entertained the

same opinion of their own condition as I did of mine, and that I

may have unwittingly been guilty of the same extravagances and

imbecilities as themselves—this is a matter which cannot be

determined.

About noon Parker declared that he saw land off the larboard

quarter, and it was with the utmost difficulty I could restrain

him from plunging into the sea with the view of swimming toward

it. Peters and Augustus took little notice of what he said, being

apparently wrapped up in moody contemplation. Upon looking in the

direction pointed out, I could not perceive the faintest

appearance of the shore—indeed, I was too well aware that we were

far from any land to indulge in a hope of that nature. It was a

long time, nevertheless, before I could convince Parker of his

mistake. He then burst into a flood of tears, weeping like a

child, with loud cries and sobs, for two or three hours, when

becoming exhausted, he fell asleep.

Peters and Augustus now made several ineffectual efforts to

swallow portions of the leather. I advised them to chew it and

spit it out; but they were too excessively debilitated to be able

to follow my advice. I continued to chew pieces of it at

intervals, and found some relief from so doing; my chief distress

was for water, and I was only prevented from taking a draught

from the sea by remembering the horrible consequences which thus

have resulted to others who were similarly situated with

ourselves.

The day wore on in this manner, when I suddenly discovered a sail

to the eastward, and on our larboard bow. She appeared to be a

large ship, and was coming nearly athwart us, being probably

twelve or fifteen miles distant. None of my companions had as yet

discovered her, and I forbore to tell them of her for the

present, lest we might again be disappointed of relief. At length

upon her getting nearer, I saw distinctly that she was heading

immediately for us, with her light sails filled. I could now

contain myself no longer, and pointed her out to my

fellow-sufferers. They immediately sprang to their feet, again

indulging in the most extravagant demonstrations of joy, weeping,

laughing in an idiotic manner, jumping, stamping upon the deck,

tearing their hair, and praying and cursing by turns. I was so

affected by their conduct, as well as by what I considered a sure

prospect of deliverance, that I could not refrain from joining in

with their madness, and gave way to the impulses of my gratitude

and ecstasy by lying and rolling on the deck, clapping my hands,

shouting, and other similar acts, until I was suddenly called to

my recollection, and once more to the extreme human misery and

despair, by perceiving the ship all at once with her stern fully

presented toward us, and steering in a direction nearly opposite

to that in which I had at first perceived her.

It was some time before I could induce my poor companions to

believe that this sad reverse in our prospects had actually taken

place. They replied to all my assertions with a stare and a

gesture implying that they were not to be deceived by such

misrepresentations. The conduct of Augustus most sensibly

affected me. In spite of all I could say or do to the contrary,

he persisted in saying that the ship was rapidly nearing us, and

in making preparations to go on board of her. Some seaweed

floating by the brig, he maintained that it was the ship’s boat,

and endeavoured to throw himself upon it, howling and shrieking

in the most heartrending manner, when I forcibly restrained him

from thus casting himself into the sea.

Having become in some degree pacified, we continued to watch the

ship until we finally lost sight of her, the weather becoming

hazy, with a light breeze springing up. As soon as she was

entirely gone, Parker turned suddenly toward me with an

expression of countenance which made me shudder. There was about

him an air of self-possession which I had not noticed in him

until now, and before he opened his lips my heart told me what he

would say. He proposed, in a few words, that one of us should die

to preserve the existence of the others.

CHAPTER 12

I had for some time past, dwelt upon the prospect of our being

reduced to this last horrible extremity, and had secretly made up

my mind to suffer death in any shape or under any circumstances

rather than resort to such a course. Nor was this resolution in

any degree weakened by the present intensity of hunger under

which I laboured. The proposition had not been heard by either

Peters or Augustus. I therefore took Parker aside; and mentally

praying to God for power to dissuade him from the horrible

purpose he entertained, I expostulated with him for a long time,

and in the most supplicating manner, begging him in the name of

every thing which he held sacred, and urging him by every species

of argument which the extremity of the case suggested, to abandon

the idea, and not to mention it to either of the other two.

He heard all I said without attempting to controvert any of my

arguments, and I had begun to hope that he would be prevailed

upon to do as I desired. But when I had ceased speaking, he said

that he knew very well all I had said was true, and that to

resort to such a course was the most horrible alternative which

could enter into the mind of man; but that he had now held out as

long as human nature could be sustained; that it was unnecessary

for all to perish, when, by the death of one, it was possible,

and even probable, that the rest might be finally preserved;

adding that I might save myself the trouble of trying to turn him

from his purpose, his mind having been thoroughly made up on the

subject even before the appearance of the ship, and that only her

heaving in sight had prevented him from mentioning his intention

at an earlier period.

I now begged him, if he would not be prevailed upon to abandon

his design, at least to defer it for another day, when some

vessel might come to our relief; again reiterating every argument

I could devise, and which I thought likely to have influence with

one of his rough nature. He said, in reply, that he had not

spoken until the very last possible moment, that he could exist

no longer without sustenance of some kind, and that therefore in

another day his suggestion would be too late, as regarded himself

at least.

Finding that he was not to be moved by anything I could say in a

mild tone, I now assumed a different demeanor, and told him that

he must be aware I had suffered less than any of us from our

calamities; that my health and strength, consequently, were at

that moment far better than his own, or than that either of

Peters or Augustus; in short, that I was in a condition to have

my own way by force if I found it necessary; and that if he

attempted in any manner to acquaint the others with his bloody

and cannibal designs, I would not hesitate to throw him into the

sea. Upon this he immediately seized me by the throat, and

drawing a knife, made several ineffectual efforts to stab me in

the stomach; an atrocity which his excessive debility alone

prevented him from accomplishing. In the meantime, being roused

to a high pitch of anger, I forced him to the vessel’s side, with

the full intention of throwing him overboard. He was saved from

his fate, however, by the interference of Peters, who now

approached and separated us, asking the cause of the disturbance.

This Parker told before I could find means in any manner to

prevent him.

The effect of his words was even more terrible than what I had

anticipated. Both Augustus and Peters, who, it seems, had long

secretly entertained the same fearful idea which Parker had been

merely the first to broach, joined with him in his design and

insisted upon its immediately being carried into effect. I had

calculated that one at least of the two former would be found

still possessed of sufficient strength of mind to side with

myself in resisting any attempt to execute so dreadful a purpose,

and, with the aid of either one of them, I had no fear of being

able to prevent its accomplishment. Being disappointed in this

expectation, it became absolutely necessary that I should attend

to my own safety, as a further resistance on my part might

possibly be considered by men in their frightful condition a

sufficient excuse for refusing me fair play in the tragedy that I

knew would speedily be enacted.

I now told them I was willing to submit to the proposal, merely

requesting a delay of about one hour, in order that the fog which

had gathered around us might have an opportunity of lifting, when

it was possible that the ship we had seen might be again in

sight. After great difficulty I obtained from them a promise to

wait thus long; and, as I had anticipated (a breeze rapidly

coming in), the fog lifted before the hour had expired, when, no

vessel appearing in sight, we prepared to draw lots.

It is with extreme reluctance that I dwell upon the appalling

scene which ensued; a scene which, with its minutest details, no

after events have been able to efface in the slightest degree

from my memory, and whose stern recollection will embitter every

future moment of my existence. Let me run over this portion of my

narrative with as much haste as the nature of the events to be

spoken of will permit. The only method we could devise for the

terrific lottery, in which we were to take each a chance, was

that of drawing straws. Small splinters of wood were made to

answer our purpose, and it was agreed that I should be the

holder. I retired to one end of the hulk, while my poor

companions silently took up their station in the other with their

backs turned toward me. The bitterest anxiety which I endured at

any period of this fearful drama was while I occupied myself in

the arrangement of the lots. There are few conditions into which

man can possibly fall where he will not feel a deep interest in

the preservation of his existence; an interest momentarily

increasing with the frailness of the tenure by which that

existence may be held. But now that the silent, definite, and

stern nature of the business in which I was engaged (so different

from the tumultuous dangers of the storm or the gradually

approaching horrors of famine) allowed me to reflect on the few

chances I had of escaping the most appalling of deaths—a death

for the most appalling of purposes—every particle of that energy

which had so long buoyed me up departed like feathers before the

wind, leaving me a helpless prey to the most abject and pitiable

terror. I could not, at first, even summon up sufficient strength

to tear and fit together the small splinters of wood, my fingers

absolutely refusing their office, and my knees knocking violently

against each other. My mind ran over rapidly a thousand absurd

projects by which to avoid becoming a partner in the awful

speculation. I thought of falling on my knees to my companions,

and entreating them to let me escape this necessity; of suddenly

rushing upon them, and, by putting one of them to death, of

rendering the decision by lot useless—in short, of every thing

but of going through with the matter I had in hand. At last,

after wasting a long time in this imbecile conduct, I was

recalled to my senses by the voice of Parker, who urged me to

relieve them at once from the terrible anxiety they were

enduring. Even then I could not bring myself to arrange the

splinters upon the spot, but thought over every species of

finesse by which I could trick some one of my fellow-sufferers to

draw the short straw, as it had been agreed that whoever drew the

shortest of four splinters from my hand was to die for the

preservation of the rest. Before any one condemn me for this

apparent heartlessness, let him be placed in a situation

precisely similar to my own.

At length delay was no longer possible, and, with a heart almost

bursting from my bosom, I advanced to the region of the

forecastle, where my companions were awaiting me. I held out my

hand with the splinters, and Peters immediately drew. He was

free—his, at least, was not the shortest; and there was now

another chance against my escape. I summoned up all my strength,

and passed the lots to Augustus. He also drew immediately, and he

also was free; and now, whether I should live or die, the chances

were no more than precisely even. At this moment all the

fierceness of the tiger possessed my bosom, and I felt toward my

poor fellow-creature, Parker, the most intense, the most

diabolical hatred. But the feeling did not last; and, at length,

with a convulsive shudder and closed eyes, I held out the two

remaining splinters toward him. It was fully five minutes before

he could summon resolution to draw, during which period of

heartrending suspense I never once opened my eyes. Presently one

of the two lots was quickly drawn from my hand. The decision was

then over, yet I knew not whether it was for me or against me. No

one spoke, and still I dared not satisfy myself by looking at the

splinter I held. Peters at length took me by the hand, and I

forced myself to look up, when I immediately saw by the

countenance of Parker that I was safe, and that he it was who had

been doomed to suffer. Gasping for breath, I fell senseless to

the deck.

I recovered from my swoon in time to behold the consummation of

the tragedy in the death of him who had been chiefly instrumental

in bringing it about. He made no resistance whatever, and was

stabbed in the back by Peters, when he fell instantly dead. I

must not dwell upon the fearful repast which immediately ensued.

Such things may be imagined, but words have no power to impress

the mind with the exquisite horror of their reality. Let it

suffice to say that, having in some measure appeased the raging

thirst which consumed us by the blood of the victim, and having

by common consent taken off the hands, feet, and head, throwing

them together with the entrails, into the sea, we devoured the

rest of the body, piecemeal, during the four ever memorable days

of the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth of the

month.

On the nineteenth, there coming on a smart shower which lasted

fifteen or twenty minutes, we contrived to catch some water by

means of a sheet which had been fished up from the cabin by our

drag just after the gale. The quantity we took in all did not

amount to more than half a gallon; but even this scanty allowance

supplied us with comparative strength and hope.

On the twenty-first we were again reduced to the last necessity.

The weather still remained warm and pleasant, with occasional

fogs and light breezes, most usually from N. to W.

On the twenty-second, as we were sitting close huddled together,

gloomily revolving over our lamentable condition, there flashed

through my mind all at once an idea which inspired me with a

bright gleam of hope. I remembered that, when the foremast had

been cut away, Peters, being in the windward chains, passed one

of the axes into my hand, requesting me to put it, if possible,

in a place of security, and that a few minutes before the last

heavy sea struck the brig and filled her I had taken this axe

into the forecastle and laid it in one of the larboard berths. I

now thought it possible that, by getting at this axe, we might

cut through the deck over the storeroom, and thus readily supply

ourselves with provisions.

When I communicated this object to my companions, they uttered a

feeble shout of joy, and we all proceeded forthwith to the

forecastle. The difficulty of descending here was greater than

that of going down in the cabin, the opening being much smaller,

for it will be remembered that the whole framework about the

cabin companion-hatch had been carried away, whereas the

forecastle-way, being a simple hatch of only about three feet

square, had remained uninjured. I did not hesitate, however, to

attempt the descent; and a rope being fastened round my body as

before, I plunged boldly in, feet foremost, made my way quickly

to the berth, and at the first attempt brought up the axe. It was

hailed with the most ecstatic joy and triumph, and the ease with

which it had been obtained was regarded as an omen of our

ultimate preservation.

We now commenced cutting at the deck with all the energy of

rekindled hope, Peters and myself taking the axe by turns,

Augustus’s wounded arm not permitting him to aid us in any

degree. As we were still so feeble as to be scarcely able to

stand unsupported, and could consequently work but a minute or

two without resting, it soon became evident that many long hours

would be necessary to accomplish our task—that is, to cut an

opening sufficiently large to admit of a free access to the

storeroom. This consideration, however, did not discourage us;

and, working all night by the light of the moon, we succeeded in

effecting our purpose by daybreak on the morning of the

twenty-third.

Peters now volunteered to go down; and, having made all

arrangements as before, he descended, and soon returned bringing

up with him a small jar, which, to our great joy, proved to be

full of olives. Having shared these among us, and devoured them

with the greatest avidity, we proceeded to let him down again.

This time he succeeded beyond our utmost expectations, returning

instantly with a large ham and a bottle of Madeira wine. Of the

latter we each took a moderate sup, having learned by experience

the pernicious consequences of indulging too freely. The ham,

except about two pounds near the bone, was not in a condition to

be eaten, having been entirely spoiled by the salt water. The

sound part was divided among us. Peters and Augustus, not being

able to restrain their appetite, swallowed theirs upon the

instant; but I was more cautious, and ate but a small portion of

mine, dreading the thirst which I knew would ensue. We now rested

a while from our labors, which had been intolerably severe.

By noon, feeling somewhat strengthened and refreshed, we again

renewed our attempt at getting up provisions, Peters and myself

going down alternately, and always with more or less success,

until sundown. During this interval we had the good fortune to

bring up, altogether, four more small jars of olives, another

ham, a carboy containing nearly three gallons of excellent Cape

Madeira wine, and, what gave us still more delight, a small

tortoise of the Gallipago breed, several of which had been taken

on board by Captain Barnard, as the _Grampus_ was leaving port,

from the schooner _Mary Pitts_, just returned from a sealing

voyage in the Pacific.

In a subsequent portion of this narrative I shall have frequent

occasion to mention this species of tortoise. It is found

principally, as most of my readers may know, in the group of

islands called the Gallipagos, which, indeed, derive their name

from the animal—the Spanish word Gallipago meaning a fresh-water

terrapin. From the peculiarity of their shape and action they

have been sometimes called the elephant tortoise. They are

frequently found of an enormous size. I have myself seen several

which would weigh from twelve to fifteen hundred pounds, although

I do not remember that any navigator speaks of having seen them

weighing more than eight hundred. Their appearance is singular,

and even disgusting. Their steps are very slow, measured, and

heavy, their bodies being carried about a foot from the ground.

Their neck is long, and exceedingly slender, from eighteen inches

to two feet is a very common length, and I killed one, where the

distance from the shoulder to the extremity of the head was no

less than three feet ten inches. The head has a striking

resemblance to that of a serpent. They can exist without food for

an almost incredible length of time, instances having been known

where they have been thrown into the hold of a vessel and lain

two years without nourishment of any kind—being as fat, and, in

every respect, in as good order at the expiration of the time as

when they were first put in. In one particular these

extraordinary animals bear a resemblance to the dromedary, or

camel of the desert. In a bag at the root of the neck they carry

with them a constant supply of water. In some instances, upon

killing them after a full year’s deprivation of all nourishment,

as much as three gallons of perfectly sweet and fresh water have

been found in their bags. Their food is chiefly wild parsley and

celery, with purslain, sea-kelp, and prickly pears, upon which

latter vegetable they thrive wonderfully, a great quantity of it

being usually found on the hillsides near the shore wherever the

animal itself is discovered. They are excellent and highly

nutritious food, and have, no doubt, been the means of preserving

the lives of thousands of seamen employed in the whale-fishery

and other pursuits in the Pacific.

The one which we had the good fortune to bring up from the

storeroom was not of a large size, weighing probably sixty-five

or seventy pounds. It was a female, and in excellent condition,

being exceedingly fat, and having more than a quart of limpid and

sweet water in its bag. This was indeed a treasure; and, falling

on our knees with one accord, we returned fervent thanks to God

for so seasonable a relief.

We had great difficulty in getting the animal up through the

opening, as its struggles were fierce and its strength

prodigious. It was upon the point of making its escape from

Peter’s grasp, and slipping back into the water, when Augustus,

throwing a rope with a slipknot around its throat, held it up in

this manner until I jumped into the hole by the side of Peters,

and assisted him in lifting it out.

The water we drew carefully from the bag into the jug; which, it

will be remembered, had been brought up before from the cabin.

Having done this, we broke off the neck of a bottle so as to

form, with the cork, a kind of glass, holding not quite half a

gill. We then each drank one of these measures full, and resolved

to limit ourselves to this quantity per day as long as it should

hold out.

During the last two or three days, the weather having been dry

and pleasant, the bedding we had obtained from the cabin, as well

as our clothing, had become thoroughly dry, so that we passed

this night (that of the twenty-third) in comparative comfort,

enjoying a tranquil repose, after having supped plentifully on

olives and ham, with a small allowance of the wine. Being afraid

of losing some of our stores overboard during the night, in the

event of a breeze springing up, we secured them as well as

possible with cordage to the fragments of the windlass. Our

tortoise, which we were anxious to preserve alive as long as we

could, we threw on its back, and otherwise carefully fastened.

CHAPTER 13

July 24. This morning saw us wonderfully recruited in spirits and

strength. Notwithstanding the perilous situation in which we were

still placed, ignorant of our position, although certainly at a

great distance from land, without more food than would last us

for a fortnight even with great care, almost entirely without

water, and floating about at the mercy of every wind and wave on

the merest wreck in the world, still the infinitely more terrible

distresses and dangers from which we had so lately and so

providentially been delivered caused us to regard what we now

endured as but little more than an ordinary evil—so strictly

comparative is either good or ill.

At sunrise we were preparing to renew our attempts at getting up

something from the storeroom, when, a smart shower coming on,

with some lightning, we turn our attention to the catching of

water by means of the sheet we had used before for this purpose.

We had no other means of collecting the rain than by holding the

sheet spread out with one of the forechain-plates in the middle

of it. The water, thus conducted to the centre, was drained

through into our jug. We had nearly filled it in this manner,

when, a heavy squall coming on from the northward, obliged us to

desist, as the hulk began once more to roll so violently that we

could no longer keep our feet. We now went forward, and, lashing

ourselves securely to the remnant of the windlass as before,

awaited the event with far more calmness than could have been

anticipated or would have been imagined possible under the

circumstances. At noon the wind had freshened into a two-reef

breeze, and by night into a stiff gale, accompanied with a

tremendously heavy swell. Experience having taught us, however,

the best method of arranging our lashings, we weathered this

dreary night in tolerable security, although thoroughly drenched

at almost every instant by the sea, and in momentary dread of

being washed off. Fortunately, the weather was so warm as to

render the water rather grateful than otherwise.

July 25. This morning the gale had diminished to a mere ten-knot

breeze, and the sea had gone down with it so considerably that we

were able to keep ourselves dry upon the deck. To our great

grief, however, we found that two jars of our olives, as well as

the whole of our ham, had been washed overboard, in spite of the

careful manner in which they had been fastened. We determined not

to kill the tortoise as yet, and contented ourselves for the

present with a breakfast on a few of the olives, and a measure of

water each, which latter we mixed half and half, with wine,

finding great relief and strength from the mixture, without the

distressing intoxication which had ensued upon drinking the port.

The sea was still far too rough for the renewal of our efforts at

getting up provision from the storeroom. Several articles, of no

importance to us in our present situation, floated up through the

opening during the day, and were immediately washed overboard. We

also now observed that the hulk lay more along than ever, so that

we could not stand an instant without lashing ourselves. On this

account we passed a gloomy and uncomfortable day. At noon the sun

appeared to be nearly vertical, and we had no doubt that we had

been driven down by the long succession of northward and

northwesterly winds into the near vicinity of the equator. Toward

evening we saw several sharks, and were somewhat alarmed by the

audacious manner in which an enormously large one approached us.

At one time, a lurch throwing the deck very far beneath the

water, the monster actually swam in upon us, floundering for some

moments just over the companion-hatch, and striking Peters

violently with his tail. A heavy sea at length hurled him

overboard, much to our relief. In moderate weather we might have

easily captured him.

July 26. This morning, the wind having greatly abated, and the

sea not being very rough, we determined to renew our exertions in

the storeroom. After a great deal of hard labor during the whole

day, we found that nothing further was to be expected from this

quarter, the partitions of the room having been stove during the

night, and its contents swept into the hold. This discovery, as

may be supposed, filled us with despair.

July 27. The sea nearly smooth, with a light wind, and still from

the northward and westward. The sun coming out hotly in the

afternoon, we occupied ourselves in drying our clothes. Found

great relief from thirst, and much comfort otherwise, by bathing

in the sea; in this, however, we were forced to use great

caution, being afraid of sharks, several of which were seen

swimming around the brig during the day.

July 28. Good weather still. The brig now began to lie along so

alarmingly that we feared she would eventually roll bottom up.

Prepared ourselves as well as we could for this emergency,

lashing our tortoise, waterjug, and two remaining jars of olives

as far as possible over to the windward, placing them outside the

hull below the main-chains. The sea very smooth all day, with

little or no wind.

July 29. A continuance of the same weather. Augustus’s wounded

arm began to evince symptoms of mortification. He complained of

drowsiness and excessive thirst, but no acute pain. Nothing could

be done for his relief beyond rubbing his wounds with a little of

the vinegar from the olives, and from this no benefit seemed to

be experienced. We did every thing in our power for his comfort,

and trebled his allowance of water.

July 30. An excessively hot day, with no wind. An enormous shark

kept close by the hulk during the whole of the forenoon. We made

several unsuccessful attempts to capture him by means of a noose.

Augustus much worse, and evidently sinking as much from want of

proper nourishment as from the effect of his wounds. He

constantly prayed to be relieved from his sufferings, wishing for

nothing but death. This evening we ate the last of our olives,

and found the water in our jug so putrid that we could not

swallow it at all without the addition of wine. Determined to

kill our tortoise in the morning.

July 31. After a night of excessive anxiety and fatigue, owing to

the position of the hulk, we set about killing and cutting up our

tortoise. He proved to be much smaller than we had supposed,

although in good condition,—the whole meat about him not

amounting to more than ten pounds. With a view of preserving a

portion of this as long as possible, we cut it into fine pieces,

and filled with them our three remaining olive jars and the

wine-bottle (all of which had been kept), pouring in afterward

the vinegar from the olives. In this manner we put away about

three pounds of the tortoise, intending not to touch it until we

had consumed the rest. We concluded to restrict ourselves to

about four ounces of the meat per day; the whole would thus last

us thirteen days. A brisk shower, with severe thunder and

lightning, came on about dusk, but lasted so short a time that we

only succeeded in catching about half a pint of water. The whole

of this, by common consent, was given to Augustus, who now

appeared to be in the last extremity. He drank the water from the

sheet as we caught it (we holding it above him as he lay so as to

let it run into his mouth), for we had now nothing left capable

of holding water, unless we had chosen to empty out our wine from

the carboy, or the stale water from the jug. Either of these

expedients would have been resorted to had the shower lasted.

The sufferer seemed to derive but little benefit from the

draught. His arm was completely black from the wrist to the

shoulder, and his feet were like ice. We expected every moment to

see him breathe his last. He was frightfully emaciated; so much

so that, although he weighed a hundred and twenty-seven pounds

upon his leaving Nantucket, he now did not weigh more than forty

or fifty at the farthest. His eyes were sunk far in his head,

being scarcely perceptible, and the skin of his cheeks hung so

loosely as to prevent his masticating any food, or even

swallowing any liquid, without great difficulty.

August 1. A continuance of the same calm weather, with an

oppressively hot sun. Suffered exceedingly from thirst, the water

in the jug being absolutely putrid and swarming with vermin. We

contrived, nevertheless, to swallow a portion of it by mixing it

with wine; our thirst, however, was but little abated. We found

more relief by bathing in the sea, but could not avail ourselves

of this expedient except at long intervals, on account of the

continual presence of sharks. We now saw clearly that Augustus

could not be saved; that he was evidently dying. We could do

nothing to relieve his sufferings, which appeared to be great.

About twelve o’clock he expired in strong convulsions, and

without having spoken for several hours. His death filled us with

the most gloomy forebodings, and had so great an effect upon our

spirits that we sat motionless by the corpse during the whole

day, and never addressed each other except in a whisper. It was

not until some time after dark that we took courage to get up and

throw the body overboard. It was then loathsome beyond

expression, and so far decayed that, as Peters attempted to lift

it, an entire leg came off in his grasp. As the mass of

putrefaction slipped over the vessel’s side into the water, the

glare of phosphoric light with which it was surrounded plainly

discovered to us seven or eight large sharks, the clashing of

whose horrible teeth, as their prey was torn to pieces among

them, might have been heard at the distance of a mile. We shrunk

within ourselves in the extremity of horror at the sound.

August 2. The same fearfully calm and hot weather. The dawn found

us in a state of pitiable dejection as well as bodily exhaustion.

The water in the jug was now absolutely useless, being a thick

gelatinous mass; nothing but frightful-looking worms mingled with

slime. We threw it out, and washed the jug well in the sea,

afterward pouring a little vinegar in it from our bottles of

pickled tortoise. Our thirst could now scarcely be endured, and

we tried in vain to relieve it by wine, which seemed only to add

fuel to the flame, and excited us to a high degree of

intoxication. We afterward endeavoured to relieve our sufferings

by mixing the wine with seawater; but this instantly brought

about the most violent retchings, so that we never again

attempted it. During the whole day we anxiously sought an

opportunity of bathing, but to no purpose; for the hulk was now

entirely besieged on all sides with sharks—no doubt the identical

monsters who had devoured our poor companion on the evening

before, and who were in momentary expectation of another similar

feast. This circumstance occasioned us the most bitter regret and

filled us with the most depressing and melancholy forebodings. We

had experienced indescribable relief in bathing, and to have this

resource cut off in so frightful a manner was more than we could

bear. Nor, indeed, were we altogether free from the apprehension

of immediate danger, for the least slip or false movement would

have thrown us at once within reach of those voracious fish, who

frequently thrust themselves directly upon us, swimming up to

leeward. No shouts or exertions on our part seemed to alarm them.

Even when one of the largest was struck with an axe by Peters and

much wounded, he persisted in his attempts to push in where we

were. A cloud came up at dusk, but, to our extreme anguish,

passed over without discharging itself. It is quite impossible to

conceive our sufferings from thirst at this period. We passed a

sleepless night, both on this account and through dread of the

sharks.

August 3. No prospect of relief, and the brig lying still more

and more along, so that now we could not maintain a footing upon

deck at all. Busied ourselves in securing our wine and

tortoise-meat, so that we might not lose them in the event of our

rolling over. Got out two stout spikes from the forechains, and,

by means of the axe, drove them into the hull to windward within

a couple of feet of the water, this not being very far from the

keel, as we were nearly upon our beam-ends. To these spikes we

now lashed our provisions, as being more secure than their former

position beneath the chains. Suffered great agony from thirst

during the whole day—no chance of bathing on account of the

sharks, which never left us for a moment. Found it impossible to

sleep.

August 4. A little before daybreak we perceived that the hulk was

heeling over, and aroused ourselves to prevent being thrown off

by the movement. At first the roll was slow and gradual, and we

contrived to clamber over to windward very well, having taken the

precaution to leave ropes hanging from the spikes we had driven

in for the provision. But we had not calculated sufficiently upon

the acceleration of the impetus; for, presently the heel became

too violent to allow of our keeping pace with it; and, before

either of us knew what was to happen, we found ourselves hurled

furiously into the sea, and struggling several fathoms beneath

the surface, with the huge hull immediately above us.

In going under the water I had been obliged to let go my hold

upon the rope; and finding that I was completely beneath the

vessel, and my strength nearly exhausted, I scarcely made a

struggle for life, and resigned myself, in a few seconds, to die.

But here again I was deceived, not having taken into

consideration the natural rebound of the hull to windward. The

whirl of the water upward, which the vessel occasioned in rolling

partially back, brought me to the surface still more violently

than I had been plunged beneath. Upon coming up I found myself

about twenty yards from the hulk, as near as I could judge. She

was lying keel up, rocking furiously from side to side, and the

sea in all directions around was much agitated, and full of

strong whirlpools. I could see nothing of Peters. An oil-cask was

floating within a few feet of me, and various other articles from

the brig were scattered about.

My principal terror was now on account of the sharks, which I

knew to be in my vicinity. In order to deter these, if possible,

from approaching me, I splashed the water vigorously with both

hands and feet as I swam towards the hulk, creating a body of

foam. I have no doubt that to this expedient, simple as it was, I

was indebted for my preservation; for the sea all round the brig,

just before her rolling over, was so crowded with these monsters,

that I must have been, and really was, in actual contact with

some of them during my progress. By great good fortune, however,

I reached the side of the vessel in safety, although so utterly

weakened by the violent exertion I had used that I should never

have been able to get upon it but for the timely assistance of

Peters, who, now, to my great joy, made his appearance (having

scrambled up to the keel from the opposite side of the hull), and

threw me the end of a rope—one of those which had been attached

to the spikes.

Having barely escaped this danger, our attention was now directed

to the dreadful imminency of another—that of absolute starvation.

Our whole stock of provision had been swept overboard in spite of

all our care in securing it; and seeing no longer the remotest

possibility of obtaining more, we gave way both of us to despair,

weeping aloud like children, and neither of us attempting to

offer consolation to the other. Such weakness can scarcely be

conceived, and to those who have never been similarly situated

will, no doubt, appear unnatural; but it must be remembered that

our intellects were so entirely disordered by the long course of

privation and terror to which we had been subjected, that we

could not justly be considered, at that period, in the light of

rational beings. In subsequent perils, nearly as great, if not

greater, I bore up with fortitude against all the evils of my

situation, and Peters, it will be seen, evinced a stoical

philosophy nearly as incredible as his present childlike

supineness and imbecility—the mental condition made the

difference.

The overturning of the brig, even with the consequent loss of the

wine and turtle, would not, in fact, have rendered our situation

more deplorable than before, except for the disappearance of the

bedclothes by which we had been hitherto enabled to catch

rainwater, and of the jug in which we had kept it when caught;

for we found the whole bottom, from within two or three feet of

the bends as far as the keel, together with the keel itself,

thickly covered with large barnacles, which proved to be

excellent and highly nutritious food. Thus, in two important

respects, the accident we had so greatly dreaded proved to be a

benefit rather than an injury; it had opened to us a supply of

provisions which we could not have exhausted, using it

moderately, in a month; and it had greatly contributed to our

comfort as regards position, we being much more at ease, and in

infinitely less danger, than before.

The difficulty, however, of now obtaining water blinded us to all

the benefits of the change in our condition. That we might be

ready to avail ourselves, as far as possible, of any shower which

might fall we took off our shirts, to make use of them as we had

of the sheets—not hoping, of course, to get more in this way,

even under the most favorable circumstances, than half a gill at

a time. No signs of a cloud appeared during the day, and the

agonies of our thirst were nearly intolerable. At night, Peters

obtained about an hour’s disturbed sleep, but my intense

sufferings would not permit me to close my eyes for a single

moment.

August 5. To-day, a gentle breeze springing up carried us through

a vast quantity of seaweed, among which we were so fortunate as

to find eleven small crabs, which afforded us several delicious

meals. Their shells being quite soft, we ate them entire, and

found that they irritated our thirst far less than the barnacles.

Seeing no trace of sharks among the seaweed, we also ventured to

bathe, and remained in the water for four or five hours, during

which we experienced a very sensible diminution of our thirst.

Were greatly refreshed, and spent the night somewhat more

comfortably than before, both of us snatching a little sleep.

August 6. This day we were blessed by a brisk and continual rain,

lasting from about noon until after dark. Bitterly did we now

regret the loss of our jug and carboy; for, in spite of the

little means we had of catching the water, we might have filled

one, if not both of them. As it was, we contrived to satisfy the

cravings of thirst by suffering the shirts to become saturated,

and then wringing them so as to let the grateful fluid trickle

into our mouths. In this occupation we passed the entire day.

August 7. Just at daybreak we both at the same instant descried a

sail to the eastward, and _evidently coming towards us!_ We

hailed the glorious sight with a long, although feeble shout of

rapture; and began instantly to make every signal in our power,

by flaring the shirts in the air, leaping as high as our weak

condition would permit, and even by hallooing with all the

strength of our lungs, although the vessel could not have been

less than fifteen miles distant. However, she still continued to

near our hulk, and we felt that, if she but held her present

course, she must eventually come so close as to perceive us. In

about an hour after we first discovered her, we could clearly see

the people on her decks. She was a long, low, and rakish-looking

topsail schooner, with a black ball in her foretopsail, and had,

apparently, a full crew. We now became alarmed, for we could

hardly imagine it possible that she did not observe us, and were

apprehensive that she meant to leave us to perish as we were—an

act of fiendish barbarity, which, however incredible it may

appear, has been repeatedly perpetuated at sea, under

circumstances very nearly similar, and by beings who were

regarded as belonging to the human species. {*2} In this

instance, however, by the mercy of God, we were destined to be

most happily deceived; for, presently we were aware of a sudden

commotion on the deck of the stranger, who immediately afterward

ran up a British flag, and, hauling her wind, bore up directly

upon us. In half an hour more we found ourselves in her cabin.

She proved to be the Jane Guy, of Liverpool, Captain Guy, bound

on a sealing and trading voyage to the South Seas and Pacific.

CHAPTER 14

The _Jane Guy_ was a fine-looking topsail schooner of a hundred

and eighty tons burden. She was unusually sharp in the bows, and

on a wind, in moderate weather, the fastest sailer I have ever

seen. Her qualities, however, as a rough sea-boat, were not so

good, and her draught of water was by far too great for the trade

to which she was destined. For this peculiar service, a larger

vessel, and one of a light proportionate draught, is

desirable—say a vessel of from three hundred to three hundred and

fifty tons. She should be bark-rigged, and in other respects of a

different construction from the usual South Sea ships. It is

absolutely necessary that she should be well armed. She should

have, say ten or twelve twelve-pound carronades, and two or three

long twelves, with brass blunderbusses, and water-tight

arm-chests for each top. Her anchors and cables should be of far

greater strength than is required for any other species of trade,

and, above all, her crew should be numerous and efficient—not

less, for such a vessel as I have described, than fifty or sixty

able-bodied men. The Jane Guy had a crew of thirty-five, all able

seamen, besides the captain and mate, but she was not altogether

as well armed or otherwise equipped, as a navigator acquainted

with the difficulties and dangers of the trade could have

desired.

Captain Guy was a gentleman of great urbanity of manner, and of

considerable experience in the southern traffic, to which he had

devoted a great portion of his life. He was deficient, however,

in energy, and, consequently, in that spirit of enterprise which

is here so absolutely requisite. He was part owner of the vessel

in which he sailed, and was invested with discretionary powers to

cruise in the South Seas for any cargo which might come most

readily to hand. He had on board, as usual in such voyages,

beads, looking-glasses, tinder-works, axes, hatchets, saws,

adzes, planes, chisels, gouges, gimlets, files, spokeshaves,

rasps, hammers, nails, knives, scissors, razors, needles, thread,

crockery-ware, calico, trinkets, and other similar articles.

The schooner sailed from Liverpool on the tenth of July, crossed

the Tropic of Cancer on the twenty-fifth, in longitude twenty

degrees west, and reached Sal, one of the Cape Verd islands, on

the twenty-ninth, where she took in salt and other necessaries

for the voyage. On the third of August, she left the Cape Verds

and steered southwest, stretching over toward the coast of

Brazil, so as to cross the equator between the meridians of

twenty-eight and thirty degrees west longitude. This is the

course usually taken by vessels bound from Europe to the Cape of

Good Hope, or by that route to the East Indies. By proceeding

thus they avoid the calms and strong contrary currents which

continually prevail on the coast of Guinea, while, in the end, it

is found to be the shortest track, as westerly winds are never

wanting afterward by which to reach the Cape. It was Captain

Guy’s intention to make his first stoppage at Kerguelen’s Land—I

hardly know for what reason. On the day we were picked up the

schooner was off Cape St. Roque, in longitude thirty-one degrees

west; so that, when found, we had drifted probably, from north to

south, _not less than five-and-twenty degrees!_

On board the Jane Guy we were treated with all the kindness our

distressed situation demanded. In about a fortnight, during which

time we continued steering to the southeast, with gentle breezes

and fine weather, both Peters and myself recovered entirely from

the effects of our late privation and dreadful sufferings, and we

began to remember what had passed rather as a frightful dream

from which we had been happily awakened, than as events which had

taken place in sober and naked reality. I have since found that

this species of partial oblivion is usually brought about by

sudden transition, whether from joy to sorrow or from sorrow to

joy—the degree of forgetfulness being proportioned to the degree

of difference in the exchange. Thus, in my own case, I now feel

it impossible to realize the full extent of the misery which I

endured during the days spent upon the hulk. The incidents are

remembered, but not the feelings which the incidents elicited at

the time of their occurrence. I only know, that when they did

occur, I then thought human nature could sustain nothing more of

agony.

We continued our voyage for some weeks without any incidents of

greater moment than the occasional meeting with whaling-ships,

and more frequently with the black or right whale, so called in

contradistinction to the spermaceti. These, however, were chiefly

found south of the twenty-fifth parallel. On the sixteenth of

September, being in the vicinity of the Cape of Good Hope, the

schooner encountered her first gale of any violence since leaving

Liverpool. In this neighborhood, but more frequently to the south

and east of the promontory (we were to the westward), navigators

have often to contend with storms from the northward, which rage

with great fury. They always bring with them a heavy sea, and one

of their most dangerous features is the instantaneous chopping

round of the wind, an occurrence almost certain to take place

during the greatest force of the gale. A perfect hurricane will

be blowing at one moment from the northward or northeast, and in

the next not a breath of wind will be felt in that direction,

while from the southwest it will come out all at once with a

violence almost inconceivable. A bright spot to the southward is

the sure forerunner of the change, and vessels are thus enabled

to take the proper precautions.

It was about six in the morning when the blow came on with a

white squall, and, as usual, from the northward. By eight it had

increased very much, and brought down upon us one of the most

tremendous seas I had then ever beheld. Every thing had been made

as snug as possible, but the schooner laboured excessively, and

gave evidence of her bad qualities as a seaboat, pitching her

forecastle under at every plunge and with the greatest difficulty

struggling up from one wave before she was buried in another.

Just before sunset the bright spot for which we had been on the

look-out made its appearance in the southwest, and in an hour

afterward we perceived the little headsail we carried flapping

listlessly against the mast. In two minutes more, in spite of

every preparation, we were hurled on our beam-ends, as if by

magic, and a perfect wilderness of foam made a clear breach over

us as we lay. The blow from the southwest, however, luckily

proved to be nothing more than a squall, and we had the good

fortune to right the vessel without the loss of a spar. A heavy

cross sea gave us great trouble for a few hours after this, but

toward morning we found ourselves in nearly as good condition as

before the gale. Captain Guy considered that he had made an

escape little less than miraculous.

On the thirteenth of October we came in sight of Prince Edward’s

Island, in latitude 46 degrees 53’ S., longitude 37 degrees 46’

E. Two days afterward we found ourselves near Possession Island,

and presently passed the islands of Crozet, in latitude 42

degrees 59’ S., longitude 48 degrees E. On the eighteenth we made

Kerguelen’s or Desolation Island, in the Southern Indian Ocean,

and came to anchor in Christmas Harbour, having four fathoms of

water.

This island, or rather group of islands, bears southeast from the

Cape of Good Hope, and is distant therefrom nearly eight hundred

leagues. It was first discovered in 1772, by the Baron de

Kergulen, or Kerguelen, a Frenchman, who, thinking the land to

form a portion of an extensive southern continent carried home

information to that effect, which produced much excitement at the

time. The government, taking the matter up, sent the baron back

in the following year for the purpose of giving his new discovery

a critical examination, when the mistake was discovered. In 1777,

Captain Cook fell in with the same group, and gave to the

principal one the name of Desolation Island, a title which it

certainly well deserves. Upon approaching the land, however, the

navigator might be induced to suppose otherwise, as the sides of

most of the hills, from September to March, are clothed with very

brilliant verdure. This deceitful appearance is caused by a small

plant resembling saxifrage, which is abundant, growing in large

patches on a species of crumbling moss. Besides this plant there

is scarcely a sign of vegetation on the island, if we except some

coarse rank grass near the harbor, some lichen, and a shrub which

bears resemblance to a cabbage shooting into seed, and which has

a bitter and acrid taste.

The face of the country is hilly, although none of the hills can

be called lofty. Their tops are perpetually covered with snow.

There are several harbors, of which Christmas Harbour is the most

convenient. It is the first to be met with on the northeast side

of the island after passing Cape Francois, which forms the

northern shore, and, by its peculiar shape, serves to distinguish

the harbour. Its projecting point terminates in a high rock,

through which is a large hole, forming a natural arch. The

entrance is in latitude 48 degrees 40’ S., longitude 69 degrees

6’ E. Passing in here, good anchorage may be found under the

shelter of several small islands, which form a sufficient

protection from all easterly winds. Proceeding on eastwardly from

this anchorage you come to Wasp Bay, at the head of the harbour.

This is a small basin, completely landlocked, into which you can

go with four fathoms, and find anchorage in from ten to three,

hard clay bottom. A ship might lie here with her best bower ahead

all the year round without risk. To the westward, at the head of

Wasp Bay, is a small stream of excellent water, easily procured.

Some seal of the fur and hair species are still to be found on

Kerguelen’s Island, and sea elephants abound. The feathered

tribes are discovered in great numbers. Penguins are very plenty,

and of these there are four different kinds. The royal penguin,

so called from its size and beautiful plumage, is the largest.

The upper part of the body is usually gray, sometimes of a lilac

tint; the under portion of the purest white imaginable. The head

is of a glossy and most brilliant black, the feet also. The chief

beauty of plumage, however, consists in two broad stripes of a

gold color, which pass along from the head to the breast. The

bill is long, and either pink or bright scarlet. These birds walk

erect; with a stately carriage. They carry their heads high with

their wings drooping like two arms, and, as their tails project

from their body in a line with the legs, the resemblance to a

human figure is very striking, and would be apt to deceive the

spectator at a casual glance or in the gloom of the evening. The

royal penguins which we met with on Kerguelen’s Land were rather

larger than a goose. The other kinds are the macaroni, the

jackass, and the rookery penguin. These are much smaller, less

beautiful in plumage, and different in other respects.

Besides the penguin many other birds are here to be found, among

which may be mentioned sea-hens, blue peterels, teal, ducks, Port

Egmont hens, shags, Cape pigeons, the nelly, sea swallows, terns,

sea gulls, Mother Carey’s chickens, Mother Carey’s geese, or the

great peterel, and, lastly, the albatross.

The great peterel is as large as the common albatross, and is

carnivorous. It is frequently called the break-bones, or osprey

peterel. They are not at all shy, and, when properly cooked, are

palatable food. In flying they sometimes sail very close to the

surface of the water, with the wings expanded, without appearing

to move them in the least degree, or make any exertion with them

whatever.

The albatross is one of the largest and fiercest of the South Sea

birds. It is of the gull species, and takes its prey on the wing,

never coming on land except for the purpose of breeding. Between

this bird and the penguin the most singular friendship exists.

Their nests are constructed with great uniformity upon a plan

concerted between the two species—that of the albatross being

placed in the centre of a little square formed by the nests of

four penguins. Navigators have agreed in calling an assemblage of

such encampments a rookery. These rookeries have been often

described, but as my readers may not all have seen these

descriptions, and as I shall have occasion hereafter to speak of

the penguin and albatross, it will not be amiss to say something

here of their mode of building and living.

When the season for incubation arrives, the birds assemble in

vast numbers, and for some days appear to be deliberating upon

the proper course to be pursued. At length they proceed to

action. A level piece of ground is selected, of suitable extent,

usually comprising three or four acres, and situated as near the

sea as possible, being still beyond its reach. The spot is chosen

with reference to its evenness of surface, and that is preferred

which is the least encumbered with stones. This matter being

arranged, the birds proceed, with one accord, and actuated

apparently by one mind, to trace out, with mathematical accuracy,

either a square or other parallelogram, as may best suit the

nature of the ground, and of just sufficient size to accommodate

easily all the birds assembled, and no more—in this particular

seeming determined upon preventing the access of future

stragglers who have not participated in the labor of the

encampment. One side of the place thus marked out runs parallel

with the water’s edge, and is left open for ingress or egress.

Having defined the limits of the rookery, the colony now begin to

clear it of every species of rubbish, picking up stone by stone,

and carrying them outside of the lines, and close by them, so as

to form a wall on the three inland sides. Just within this wall a

perfectly level and smooth walk is formed, from six to eight feet

wide, and extending around the encampment—thus serving the

purpose of a general promenade.

The next process is to partition out the whole area into small

squares exactly equal in size. This is done by forming narrow

paths, very smooth, and crossing each other at right angles

throughout the entire extent of the rookery. At each intersection

of these paths the nest of an albatross is constructed, and a

penguin’s nest in the centre of each square—thus every penguin is

surrounded by four albatrosses, and each albatross by a like

number of penguins. The penguin’s nest consists of a hole in the

earth, very shallow, being only just of sufficient depth to keep

her single egg from rolling. The albatross is somewhat less

simple in her arrangements, erecting a hillock about a foot high

and two in diameter. This is made of earth, seaweed, and shells.

On its summit she builds her nest.

The birds take especial care never to leave their nests

unoccupied for an instant during the period of incubation, or,

indeed, until the young progeny are sufficiently strong to take

care of themselves. While the male is absent at sea in search of

food, the female remains on duty, and it is only upon the return

of her partner that she ventures abroad. The eggs are never left

uncovered at all—while one bird leaves the nest the other

nestling in by its side. This precaution is rendered necessary by

the thieving propensities prevalent in the rookery, the

inhabitants making no scruple to purloin each other’s eggs at

every good opportunity.

Although there are some rookeries in which the penguin and

albatross are the sole population, yet in most of them a variety

of oceanic birds are to be met with, enjoying all the privileges

of citizenship, and scattering their nests here and there,

wherever they can find room, never interfering, however, with the

stations of the larger species. The appearance of such

encampments, when seen from a distance, is exceedingly singular.

The whole atmosphere just above the settlement is darkened with

the immense number of the albatross (mingled with the smaller

tribes) which are continually hovering over it, either going to

the ocean or returning home. At the same time a crowd of penguins

are to be observed, some passing to and fro in the narrow alleys,

and some marching with the military strut so peculiar to them,

around the general promenade ground which encircles the rookery.

In short, survey it as we will, nothing can be more astonishing

than the spirit of reflection evinced by these feathered beings,

and nothing surely can be better calculated to elicit reflection

in every well-regulated human intellect.

On the morning after our arrival in Christmas Harbour the chief

mate, Mr. Patterson, took the boats, and (although it was

somewhat early in the season) went in search of seal, leaving the

captain and a young relation of his on a point of barren land to

the westward, they having some business, whose nature I could not

ascertain, to transact in the interior of the island. Captain Guy

took with him a bottle, in which was a sealed letter, and made

his way from the point on which he was set on shore toward one of

the highest peaks in the place. It is probable that his design

was to leave the letter on that height for some vessel which he

expected to come after him. As soon as we lost sight of him we

proceeded (Peters and myself being in the mate’s boat) on our

cruise around the coast, looking for seal. In this business we

were occupied about three weeks, examining with great care every

nook and corner, not only of Kerguelen’s Land, but of the several

small islands in the vicinity. Our labours, however, were not

crowned with any important success. We saw a great many fur seal,

but they were exceedingly shy, and with the greatest exertions,

we could only procure three hundred and fifty skins in all. Sea

elephants were abundant, especially on the western coast of the

mainland, but of these we killed only twenty, and this with great

difficulty. On the smaller islands we discovered a good many of

the hair seal, but did not molest them. We returned to the

schooner on the eleventh, where we found Captain Guy and his

nephew, who gave a very bad account of the interior, representing

it as one of the most dreary and utterly barren countries in the

world. They had remained two nights on the island, owing to some

misunderstanding, on the part of the second mate, in regard to

the sending a jollyboat from the schooner to take them off.

CHAPTER 15

On the twelfth we made sail from Christmas Harbour retracing our

way to the westward, and leaving Marion’s Island, one of Crozet’s

group, on the larboard. We afterward passed Prince Edward’s

Island, leaving it also on our left, then, steering more to the

northward, made, in fifteen days, the islands of Tristan

d’Acunha, in latitude 37 degrees 8’ S, longitude 12 degrees 8’ W.

This group, now so well known, and which consists of three

circular islands, was first discovered by the Portuguese, and was

visited afterward by the Dutch in 1643, and by the French in

1767. The three islands together form a triangle, and are distant

from each other about ten miles, there being fine open passages

between. The land in all of them is very high, especially in

Tristan d’Acunha, properly so called. This is the largest of the

group, being fifteen miles in circumference, and so elevated that

it can be seen in clear weather at the distance of eighty or

ninety miles. A part of the land toward the north rises more than

a thousand feet perpendicularly from the sea. A tableland at this

height extends back nearly to the centre of the island, and from

this tableland arises a lofty cone like that of Teneriffe. The

lower half of this cone is clothed with trees of good size, but

the upper region is barren rock, usually hidden among the clouds,

and covered with snow during the greater part of the year. There

are no shoals or other dangers about the island, the shores being

remarkably bold and the water deep. On the northwestern coast is

a bay, with a beach of black sand where a landing with boats can

be easily effected, provided there be a southerly wind. Plenty of

excellent water may here be readily procured; also cod and other

fish may be taken with hook and line.

The next island in point of size, and the most westwardly of the

group, is that called the Inaccessible. Its precise situation is

37 degrees 17’ S. latitude, longitude 12 degrees 24’ W. It is

seven or eight miles in circumference, and on all sides presents

a forbidding and precipitous aspect. Its top is perfectly flat,

and the whole region is sterile, nothing growing upon it except a

few stunted shrubs.

Nightingale Island, the smallest and most southerly, is in

latitude 37 degrees 26’ S., longitude 12 degrees 12’ W. Off its

southern extremity is a high ledge of rocky islets; a few also of

a similar appearance are seen to the northeast. The ground is

irregular and sterile, and a deep valley partially separates it.

The shores of these islands abound, in the proper season, with

sea lions, sea elephants, the hair and fur seal, together with a

great variety of oceanic birds. Whales are also plenty in their

vicinity. Owing to the ease with which these various animals were

here formerly taken, the group has been much visited since its

discovery. The Dutch and French frequented it at a very early

period. In 1790, Captain Patten, of the ship Industry, of

Philadelphia, made Tristan d’Acunha, where he remained seven

months (from August, 1790, to April, 1791) for the purpose of

collecting sealskins. In this time he gathered no less than five

thousand six hundred, and says that he would have had no

difficulty in loading a large ship with oil in three weeks. Upon

his arrival he found no quadrupeds, with the exception of a few

wild goats; the island now abounds with all our most valuable

domestic animals, which have been introduced by subsequent

navigators.

I believe it was not long after Captain Patten’s visit that

Captain Colquhoun, of the American brig Betsey, touched at the

largest of the islands for the purpose of refreshment. He planted

onions, potatoes, cabbages, and a great many other vegetables, an

abundance of all which is now to be met with.

In 1811, a Captain Haywood, in the Nereus, visited Tristan. He

found there three Americans, who were residing upon the island to

prepare sealskins and oil. One of these men was named Jonathan

Lambert, and he called himself the sovereign of the country. He

had cleared and cultivated about sixty acres of land, and turned

his attention to raising the coffee-plant and sugar-cane, with

which he had been furnished by the American Minister at Rio

Janeiro. This settlement, however, was finally abandoned, and in

1817 the islands were taken possession of by the British

Government, who sent a detachment for that purpose from the Cape

of Good Hope. They did not, however, retain them long; but, upon

the evacuation of the country as a British possession, two or

three English families took up their residence there

independently of the Government. On the twenty-fifth of March,

1824, the Berwick, Captain Jeffrey, from London to Van Diemen’s

Land, arrived at the place, where they found an Englishman of the

name of Glass, formerly a corporal in the British artillery. He

claimed to be supreme governor of the islands, and had under his

control twenty-one men and three women. He gave a very favourable

account of the salubrity of the climate and of the productiveness

of the soil. The population occupied themselves chiefly in

collecting sealskins and sea elephant oil, with which they traded

to the Cape of Good Hope, Glass owning a small schooner. At the

period of our arrival the governor was still a resident, but his

little community had multiplied, there being fifty-six persons

upon Tristan, besides a smaller settlement of seven on

Nightingale Island. We had no difficulty in procuring almost

every kind of refreshment which we required—sheep, hogs,

bullocks, rabbits, poultry, goats, fish in great variety, and

vegetables were abundant. Having come to anchor close in with the

large island, in eighteen fathoms, we took all we wanted on board

very conveniently. Captain Guy also purchased of Glass five

hundred sealskins and some ivory. We remained here a week, during

which the prevailing winds were from the northward and westward,

and the weather somewhat hazy. On the fifth of November we made

sail to the southward and westward, with the intention of having

a thorough search for a group of islands called the Auroras,

respecting whose existence a great diversity of opinion has

existed.

These islands are said to have been discovered as early as 1762,

by the commander of the ship Aurora. In 1790, Captain Manuel de

Oyarvido, in the ship Princess, belonging to the Royal Philippine

Company, sailed, as he asserts, directly among them. In 1794, the

Spanish corvette Atrevida went with the determination of

ascertaining their precise situation, and, in a paper published

by the Royal Hydrographical Society of Madrid in the year 1809,

the following language is used respecting this expedition: “The

corvette Atrevida practised, in their immediate vicinity, from

the twenty-first to the twenty-seventh of January, all the

necessary observations, and measured by chronometers the

difference of longitude between these islands and the port of

Soledad in the Manillas. The islands are three, they are very

nearly in the same meridian; the centre one is rather low, and

the other two may be seen at nine leagues’ distance.” The

observations made on board the Atrevida give the following

results as the precise situation of each island. The most

northern is in latitude 52 degrees 37’ 24” S., longitude 47

degrees, 43’ 15” W.; the middle one in latitude 53 degrees 2’ 40”

S., longitude 47 degrees 55’ 15” W.; and the most southern in

latitude 53 degrees 15’ 22” S., longitude 47 degrees 57’ 15” W.

On the twenty-seventh of January, 1820, Captain James Weddel, of

the British navy, sailed from Staten Land also in search of the

Auroras. He reports that, having made the most diligent search

and passed not only immediately over the spots indicated by the

commander of the Atrevida, but in every direction throughout the

vicinity of these spots, he could discover no indication of land.

These conflicting statements have induced other navigators to

look out for the islands; and, strange to say, while some have

sailed through every inch of sea where they are supposed to lie

without finding them, there have been not a few who declare

positively that they have seen them; and even been close in with

their shores. It was Captain Guy’s intention to make every

exertion within his power to settle the question so oddly in

dispute. {*3}

We kept on our course, between the south and west, with variable

weather, until the twentieth of the month, when we found

ourselves on the debated ground, being in latitude 53 degrees 15’

S., longitude 47 degrees 58’ W.—that is to say, very nearly upon

the spot indicated as the situation of the most southern of the

group. Not perceiving any sign of land, we continued to the

westward of the parallel of fifty-three degrees south, as far as

the meridian of fifty degrees west. We then stood to the north as

far as the parallel of fifty-two degrees south, when we turned to

the eastward, and kept our parallel by double altitudes, morning

and evening, and meridian altitudes of the planets and moon.

Having thus gone eastwardly to the meridian of the western coast

of Georgia, we kept that meridian until we were in the latitude

from which we set out. We then took diagonal courses throughout

the entire extent of sea circumscribed, keeping a lookout

constantly at the masthead, and repeating our examination with

the greatest care for a period of three weeks, during which the

weather was remarkably pleasant and fair, with no haze

whatsoever. Of course we were thoroughly satisfied that, whatever

islands might have existed in this vicinity at any former period,

no vestige of them remained at the present day. Since my return

home I find that the same ground was traced over, with equal

care, in 1822, by Captain Johnson, of the American schooner

Henry, and by Captain Morrell in the American schooner Wasp—in

both cases with the same result as in our own.

CHAPTER 16

It had been Captain Guy’s original intention, after satisfying

himself about the Auroras, to proceed through the Strait of

Magellan, and up along the western coast of Patagonia; but

information received at Tristan d’Acunha induced him to steer to

the southward, in the hope of falling in with some small islands

said to lie about the parallel of 60 degrees S., longitude 41

degrees 20’ W. In the event of his not discovering these lands,

he designed, should the season prove favourable, to push on

toward the pole. Accordingly, on the twelfth of December, we made

sail in that direction. On the eighteenth we found ourselves

about the station indicated by Glass, and cruised for three days

in that neighborhood without finding any traces of the islands he

had mentioned. On the twenty-first, the weather being unusually

pleasant, we again made sail to the southward, with the

resolution of penetrating in that course as far as possible.

Before entering upon this portion of my narrative, it may be as

well, for the information of those readers who have paid little

attention to the progress of discovery in these regions, to give

some brief account of the very few attempts at reaching the

southern pole which have hitherto been made.

That of Captain Cook was the first of which we have any distinct

account. In 1772 he sailed to the south in the Resolution,

accompanied by Lieutenant Furneaux in the Adventure. In December

he found himself as far as the fifty-eighth parallel of south

latitude, and in longitude 26 degrees 57’ E. Here he met with

narrow fields of ice, about eight or ten inches thick, and

running northwest and southeast. This ice was in large cakes, and

usually it was packed so closely that the vessel had great

difficulty in forcing a passage. At this period Captain Cook

supposed, from the vast number of birds to be seen, and from

other indications, that he was in the near vicinity of land. He

kept on to the southward, the weather being exceedingly cold,

until he reached the sixty-fourth parallel, in longitude 38

degrees 14’ E. Here he had mild weather, with gentle breezes, for

five days, the thermometer being at thirty-six. In January, 1773,

the vessels crossed the Antarctic circle, but did not succeed in

penetrating much farther; for upon reaching latitude 67 degrees

15’ they found all farther progress impeded by an immense body of

ice, extending all along the southern horizon as far as the eye

could reach. This ice was of every variety—and some large floes

of it, miles in extent, formed a compact mass, rising eighteen or

twenty feet above the water. It being late in the season, and no

hope entertained of rounding these obstructions, Captain Cook now

reluctantly turned to the northward.

In the November following he renewed his search in the Antarctic.

In latitude 59 degrees 40’ he met with a strong current setting

to the southward. In December, when the vessels were in latitude

67 degrees 31’, longitude 142 degrees 54’ W., the cold was

excessive, with heavy gales and fog. Here also birds were

abundant; the albatross, the penguin, and the peterel especially.

In latitude 70 degrees 23’ some large islands of ice were

encountered, and shortly afterward the clouds to the southward

were observed to be of a snowy whiteness, indicating the vicinity

of field ice. In latitude 71 degrees 10’, longitude 106 degrees

54’ W., the navigators were stopped, as before, by an immense

frozen expanse, which filled the whole area of the southern

horizon. The northern edge of this expanse was ragged and broken,

so firmly wedged together as to be utterly impassible, and

extending about a mile to the southward. Behind it the frozen

surface was comparatively smooth for some distance, until

terminated in the extreme background by gigantic ranges of ice

mountains, the one towering above the other. Captain Cook

concluded that this vast field reached the southern pole or was

joined to a continent. Mr. J. N. Reynolds, whose great exertions

and perseverance have at length succeeded in getting set on foot

a national expedition, partly for the purpose of exploring these

regions, thus speaks of the attempt of the Resolution. “We are

not surprised that Captain Cook was unable to go beyond 71

degrees 10’, but we are astonished that he did attain that point

on the meridian of 106 degrees 54’ west longitude. Palmer’s Land

lies south of the Shetland, latitude sixty-four degrees, and

tends to the southward and westward farther than any navigator

has yet penetrated. Cook was standing for this land when his

progress was arrested by the ice; which, we apprehend, must

always be the case in that point, and so early in the season as

the sixth of January—and we should not be surprised if a portion

of the icy mountains described was attached to the main body of

Palmer’s Land, or to some other portions of land lying farther to

the southward and westward.”

In 1803, Captains Kreutzenstern and Lisiausky were dispatched by

Alexander of Russia for the purpose of circumnavigating the

globe. In endeavouring to get south, they made no farther than 59

degrees 58’, in longitude 70 degrees 15’ W. They here met with

strong currents setting eastwardly. Whales were abundant, but

they saw no ice. In regard to this voyage, Mr. Reynolds observes

that, if Kreutzenstern had arrived where he did earlier in the

season, he must have encountered ice—it was March when he reached

the latitude specified. The winds, prevailing, as they do, from

the southward and westward, had carried the floes, aided by

currents, into that icy region bounded on the north by Georgia,

east by Sandwich Land and the South Orkneys, and west by the

South Shetland islands.

In 1822, Captain James Weddell, of the British navy, with two

very small vessels, penetrated farther to the south than any

previous navigator, and this, too, without encountering

extraordinary difficulties. He states that although he was

frequently hemmed in by ice before reaching the seventy-second

parallel, yet, upon attaining it, not a particle was to be

discovered, and that, upon arriving at the latitude of 74 degrees

15’, no fields, and only three islands of ice were visible. It is

somewhat remarkable that, although vast flocks of birds were

seen, and other usual indications of land, and although, south of

the Shetlands, unknown coasts were observed from the masthead

tending southwardly, Weddell discourages the idea of land

existing in the polar regions of the south.

On the 11th of January, 1823, Captain Benjamin Morrell, of the

American schooner Wasp, sailed from Kerguelen’s Land with a view

of penetrating as far south as possible. On the first of February

he found himself in latitude 64 degrees 52’ S., longitude 118

degrees 27’ E. The following passage is extracted from his

journal of that date. “The wind soon freshened to an eleven-knot

breeze, and we embraced this opportunity of making to the west;

being however convinced that the farther we went south beyond

latitude sixty-four degrees, the less ice was to be apprehended,

we steered a little to the southward, until we crossed the

Antarctic circle, and were in latitude 69 degrees 15’ E. In this

latitude there was no field ice, and very few ice islands in

sight.”

Under the date of March fourteenth I find also this entry. “The

sea was now entirely free of field ice, and there were not more

than a dozen ice islands in sight. At the same time the

temperature of the air and water was at least thirteen degrees

higher (more mild) than we had ever found it between the

parallels of sixty and sixty-two south. We were now in latitude

70 degrees 14’ S., and the temperature of the air was

forty-seven, and that of the water forty-four. In this situation

I found the variation to be 14 degrees 27’ easterly, per

azimuth.... I have several times passed within the Antarctic

circle, on different meridians, and have uniformly found the

temperature, both of the air and the water, to become more and

more mild the farther I advanced beyond the sixty-fifth degree of

south latitude, and that the variation decreases in the same

proportion. While north of this latitude, say between sixty and

sixty-five south, we frequently had great difficulty in finding a

passage for the vessel between the immense and almost innumerable

ice islands, some of which were from one to two miles in

circumference, and more than five hundred feet above the surface

of the water.”

Being nearly destitute of fuel and water, and without proper

instruments, it being also late in the season, Captain Morrell

was now obliged to put back, without attempting any further

progress to the westward, although an entirely open, sea lay

before him. He expresses the opinion that, had not these

overruling considerations obliged him to retreat, he could have

penetrated, if not to the pole itself, at least to the

eighty-fifth parallel. I have given his ideas respecting these

matters somewhat at length, that the reader may have an

opportunity of seeing how far they were borne out by my own

subsequent experience.

In 1831, Captain Briscoe, in the employ of the Messieurs Enderby,

whale-ship owners of London, sailed in the brig Lively for the

South Seas, accompanied by the cutter Tula. On the twenty-eighth

of February, being in latitude 66 degrees 30’ S., longitude 47

degrees 31’ E., he descried land, and “clearly discovered through

the snow the black peaks of a range of mountains running E. S.

E.” He remained in this neighbourhood during the whole of the

following month, but was unable to approach the coast nearer than

within ten leagues, owing to the boisterous state of the weather.

Finding it impossible to make further discovery during this

season, he returned northward to winter in Van Diemen’s Land.

In the beginning of 1832 he again proceeded southwardly, and on

the fourth of February land was seen to the southeast in latitude

67 degrees 15’ longitude 69 degrees 29’ W. This was soon found to

be an island near the headland of the country he had first

discovered. On the twenty-first of the month he succeeded in

landing on the latter, and took possession of it in the name of

William IV, calling it Adelaide’s Island, in honour of the

English queen. These particulars being made known to the Royal

Geographical Society of London, the conclusion was drawn by that

body “that there is a continuous tract of land extending from 47

degrees 30’ E. to 69 degrees 29’ W. longitude, running the

parallel of from sixty-six to sixty-seven degrees south

latitude.” In respect to this conclusion Mr. Reynolds observes:

“In the correctness of it we by no means concur; nor do the

discoveries of Briscoe warrant any such indifference. It was

within these limits that Weddel proceeded south on a meridian to

the east of Georgia, Sandwich Land, and the South Orkney and

Shetland islands.” My own experience will be found to testify

most directly to the falsity of the conclusion arrived at by the

society.

These are the principal attempts which have been made at

penetrating to a high southern latitude, and it will now be seen

that there remained, previous to the voyage of the Jane, nearly

three hundred degrees of longitude in which the Antarctic circle

had not been crossed at all. Of course a wide field lay before us

for discovery, and it was with feelings of most intense interest

that I heard Captain Guy express his resolution of pushing boldly

to the southward.

CHAPTER 17

We kept our course southwardly for four days after giving up the

search for Glass’s islands, without meeting with any ice at all.

On the twenty-sixth, at noon, we were in latitude 63 degrees 23’

S., longitude 41 degrees 25’ W. We now saw several large ice

islands, and a floe of field ice, not, however, of any great

extent. The winds generally blew from the southeast, or the

northeast, but were very light. Whenever we had a westerly wind,

which was seldom, it was invariably attended with a rain squall.

Every day we had more or less snow. The thermometer, on the

twenty-seventh stood at thirty-five.

January 1, 1828.—This day we found ourselves completely hemmed in

by the ice, and our prospects looked cheerless indeed. A strong

gale blew, during the whole forenoon, from the northeast, and

drove large cakes of the drift against the rudder and counter

with such violence that we all trembled for the consequences.

Toward evening, the gale still blowing with fury, a large field

in front separated, and we were enabled, by carrying a press of

sail to force a passage through the smaller flakes into some open

water beyond. As we approached this space we took in sail by

degrees, and having at length got clear, lay-to under a single

reefed foresail.

January 2.—We had now tolerably pleasant weather. At noon we

found ourselves in latitude 69 degrees 10’ S, longitude 42

degrees 20’ W, having crossed the Antarctic circle. Very little

ice was to be seen to the southward, although large fields of it

lay behind us. This day we rigged some sounding gear, using a

large iron pot capable of holding twenty gallons, and a line of

two hundred fathoms. We found the current setting to the north,

about a quarter of a mile per hour. The temperature of the air

was now about thirty-three. Here we found the variation to be 14

degrees 28’ easterly, per azimuth.

January 5.—We had still held on to the southward without any very

great impediments. On this morning, however, being in latitude 73

degrees 15’ E., longitude 42 degrees 10’ W, we were again brought

to a stand by an immense expanse of firm ice. We saw,

nevertheless, much open water to the southward, and felt no doubt

of being able to reach it eventually. Standing to the eastward

along the edge of the floe, we at length came to a passage of

about a mile in width, through which we warped our way by

sundown. The sea in which we now were was thickly covered with

ice islands, but had no field ice, and we pushed on boldly as

before. The cold did not seem to increase, although we had snow

very frequently, and now and then hail squalls of great violence.

Immense flocks of the albatross flew over the schooner this day,

going from southeast to northwest.

January 7.—The sea still remained pretty well open, so that we

had no difficulty in holding on our course. To the westward we

saw some icebergs of incredible size, and in the afternoon passed

very near one whose summit could not have been less than four

hundred fathoms from the surface of the ocean. Its girth was

probably, at the base, three-quarters of a league, and several

streams of water were running from crevices in its sides. We

remained in sight of this island two days, and then only lost it

in a fog.

January 10.—Early this morning we had the misfortune to lose a

man overboard. He was an American named Peter Vredenburgh, a

native of New York, and was one of the most valuable hands on

board the schooner. In going over the bows his foot slipped, and

he fell between two cakes of ice, never rising again. At noon of

this day we were in latitude 78 degrees 30’, longitude 40 degrees

15’ W. The cold was now excessive, and we had hail squalls

continually from the northward and eastward. In this direction

also we saw several more immense icebergs, and the whole horizon

to the eastward appeared to be blocked up with field ice, rising

in tiers, one mass above the other. Some driftwood floated by

during the evening, and a great quantity of birds flew over,

among which were nellies, peterels, albatrosses, and a large bird

of a brilliant blue plumage. The variation here, per azimuth, was

less than it had been previously to our passing the Antarctic

circle.

January 12.—Our passage to the south again looked doubtful, as

nothing was to be seen in the direction of the pole but one

apparently limitless floe, backed by absolute mountains of ragged

ice, one precipice of which arose frowningly above the other. We

stood to the westward until the fourteenth, in the hope of

finding an entrance.

January 14.—This morning we reached the western extremity of the

field which had impeded us, and, weathering it, came to an open

sea, without a particle of ice. Upon sounding with two hundred

fathoms, we here found a current setting southwardly at the rate

of half a mile per hour. The temperature of the air was

forty-seven, that of the water thirty-four. We now sailed to the

southward without meeting any interruption of moment until the

sixteenth, when, at noon, we were in latitude 81 degrees 21’,

longitude 42 degrees W. We here again sounded, and found a

current setting still southwardly, and at the rate of three

quarters of a mile per hour. The variation per azimuth had

diminished, and the temperature of the air was mild and pleasant,

the thermometer being as high as fifty-one. At this period not a

particle of ice was to be discovered. All hands on board now felt

certain of attaining the pole.

January 17.—This day was full of incident. Innumerable flights of

birds flew over us from the southward, and several were shot from

the deck, one of them, a species of pelican, proved to be

excellent eating. About midday a small floe of ice was seen from

the masthead off the larboard bow, and upon it there appeared to

be some large animal. As the weather was good and nearly calm,

Captain Guy ordered out two of the boats to see what it was. Dirk

Peters and myself accompanied the mate in the larger boat. Upon

coming up with the floe, we perceived that it was in the

possession of a gigantic creature of the race of the Arctic bear,

but far exceeding in size the largest of these animals. Being

well armed, we made no scruple of attacking it at once. Several

shots were fired in quick succession, the most of which took

effect, apparently, in the head and body. Nothing discouraged,

however, the monster threw himself from the ice, and swam with

open jaws, to the boat in which were Peters and myself. Owing to

the confusion which ensued among us at this unexpected turn of

the adventure, no person was ready immediately with a second

shot, and the bear had actually succeeded in getting half his

vast bulk across our gunwale, and seizing one of the men by the

small of his back, before any efficient means were taken to repel

him. In this extremity nothing but the promptness and agility of

Peters saved us from destruction. Leaping upon the back of the

huge beast, he plunged the blade of a knife behind the neck,

reaching the spinal marrow at a blow. The brute tumbled into the

sea lifeless, and without a struggle, rolling over Peters as he

fell. The latter soon recovered himself, and a rope being thrown

him, he secured the carcass before entering the boat. We then

returned in triumph to the schooner, towing our trophy behind us.

This bear, upon admeasurement, proved to be full fifteen feet in

his greatest length. His wool was perfectly white, and very

coarse, curling tightly. The eyes were of a blood red, and larger

than those of the Arctic bear, the snout also more rounded,

rather resembling the snout of the bulldog. The meat was tender,

but excessively rank and fishy, although the men devoured it with

avidity, and declared it excellent eating.

Scarcely had we got our prize alongside, when the man at the

masthead gave the joyful shout of “land on the starboard bow!”

All hands were now upon the alert, and, a breeze springing up

very opportunely from the northward and eastward, we were soon

close in with the coast. It proved to be a low rocky islet, of

about a league in circumference, and altogether destitute of

vegetation, if we except a species of prickly pear. In

approaching it from the northward, a singular ledge of rock is

seen projecting into the sea, and bearing a strong resemblance to

corded bales of cotton. Around this ledge to the westward is a

small bay, at the bottom of which our boats effected a convenient

landing.

It did not take us long to explore every portion of the island,

but, with one exception, we found nothing worthy of our

observation. In the southern extremity, we picked up near the

shore, half buried in a pile of loose stones, a piece of wood,

which seemed to have formed the prow of a canoe. There had been

evidently some attempt at carving upon it, and Captain Guy

fancied that he made out the figure of a tortoise, but the

resemblance did not strike me very forcibly. Besides this prow,

if such it were, we found no other token that any living creature

had ever been here before. Around the coast we discovered

occasional small floes of ice—but these were very few. The exact

situation of the islet (to which Captain Guy gave the name of

Bennet’s Islet, in honour of his partner in the ownership of the

schooner) is 82 degrees 50’ S. latitude, 42 degrees 20’ W.

longitude.

We had now advanced to the southward more than eight degrees

farther than any previous navigators, and the sea still lay

perfectly open before us. We found, too, that the variation

uniformly decreased as we proceeded, and, what was still more

surprising, that the temperature of the air, and latterly of the

water, became milder. The weather might even be called pleasant,

and we had a steady but very gentle breeze always from some

northern point of the compass. The sky was usually clear, with

now and then a slight appearance of thin vapour in the southern

horizon—this, however, was invariably of brief duration. Two

difficulties alone presented themselves to our view; we were

getting short of fuel, and symptoms of scurvy had occurred among

several of the crew. These considerations began to impress upon

Captain Guy the necessity of returning, and he spoke of it

frequently. For my own part, confident as I was of soon arriving

at land of some description upon the course we were pursuing, and

having every reason to believe, from present appearances, that we

should not find it the sterile soil met with in the higher Arctic

latitudes, I warmly pressed upon him the expediency of

persevering, at least for a few days longer, in the direction we

were now holding. So tempting an opportunity of solving the great

problem in regard to an Antarctic continent had never yet been

afforded to man, and I confess that I felt myself bursting with

indignation at the timid and ill-timed suggestions of our

commander. I believe, indeed, that what I could not refrain from

saying to him on this head had the effect of inducing him to push

on. While, therefore, I cannot but lament the most unfortunate

and bloody events which immediately arose from my advice, I must

still be allowed to feel some degree of gratification at having

been instrumental, however remotely, in opening to the eye of

science one of the most intensely exciting secrets which has ever

engrossed its attention.

CHAPTER 18

January 18.—This morning {*4} we continued to the southward, with

the same pleasant weather as before. The sea was entirely smooth,

the air tolerably warm and from the northeast, the temperature of

the water fifty-three. We now again got our sounding-gear in

order, and, with a hundred and fifty fathoms of line, found the

current setting toward the pole at the rate of a mile an hour.

This constant tendency to the southward, both in the wind and

current, caused some degree of speculation, and even of alarm, in

different quarters of the schooner, and I saw distinctly that no

little impression had been made upon the mind of Captain Guy. He

was exceedingly sensitive to ridicule, however, and I finally

succeeded in laughing him out of his apprehensions. The variation

was now very trivial. In the course of the day we saw several

large whales of the right species, and innumerable flights of the

albatross passed over the vessel. We also picked up a bush, full

of red berries, like those of the hawthorn, and the carcass of a

singular-looking land-animal. It was three feet in length, and

but six inches in height, with four very short legs, the feet

armed with long claws of a brilliant scarlet, and resembling

coral in substance. The body was covered with a straight silky

hair, perfectly white. The tail was peaked like that of a rat,

and about a foot and a half long. The head resembled a cat’s,

with the exception of the ears—these were flopped like the ears

of a dog. The teeth were of the same brilliant scarlet as the

claws.

January 19.—To-day, being in latitude 83 degrees 20’, longitude

43 degrees 5’ W. (the sea being of an extraordinarily dark

colour), we again saw land from the masthead, and, upon a closer

scrutiny, found it to be one of a group of very large islands.

The shore was precipitous, and the interior seemed to be well

wooded, a circumstance which occasioned us great joy. In about

four hours from our first discovering the land we came to anchor

in ten fathoms, sandy bottom, a league from the coast, as a high

surf, with strong ripples here and there, rendered a nearer

approach of doubtful expediency. The two largest boats were now

ordered out, and a party, well armed (among whom were Peters and

myself), proceeded to look for an opening in the reef which

appeared to encircle the island. After searching about for some

time, we discovered an inlet, which we were entering, when we saw

four large canoes put off from the shore, filled with men who

seemed to be well armed. We waited for them to come up, and, as

they moved with great rapidity, they were soon within hail.

Captain Guy now held up a white handkerchief on the blade of an

oar, when the strangers made a full stop, and commenced a loud

jabbering all at once, intermingled with occasional shouts, in

which we could distinguish the words Anamoo-moo! and Lama-Lama!

They continued this for at least half an hour, during which we

had a good opportunity of observing their appearance.

In the four canoes, which might have been fifty feet long and

five broad, there were a hundred and ten savages in all. They

were about the ordinary stature of Europeans, but of a more

muscular and brawny frame. Their complexion a jet black, with

thick and long woolly hair. They were clothed in skins of an

unknown black animal, shaggy and silky, and made to fit the body

with some degree of skill, the hair being inside, except where

turned out about the neck, wrists, and ankles. Their arms

consisted principally of clubs, of a dark, and apparently very

heavy wood. Some spears, however, were observed among them,

headed with flint, and a few slings. The bottoms of the canoes

were full of black stones about the size of a large egg.

When they had concluded their harangue (for it was clear they

intended their jabbering for such), one of them who seemed to be

the chief stood up in the prow of his canoe, and made signs for

us to bring our boats alongside of him. This hint we pretended

not to understand, thinking it the wiser plan to maintain, if

possible, the interval between us, as their number more than

quadrupled our own. Finding this to be the case, the chief

ordered the three other canoes to hold back, while he advanced

toward us with his own. As soon as he came up with us he leaped

on board the largest of our boats, and seated himself by the side

of Captain Guy, pointing at the same time to the schooner, and

repeating the word Anamoo-moo! and Lama-Lama! We now put back to

the vessel, the four canoes following at a little distance.

Upon getting alongside, the chief evinced symptoms of extreme

surprise and delight, clapping his hands, slapping his thighs and

breast, and laughing obstreperously. His followers behind joined

in his merriment, and for some minutes the din was so excessive

as to be absolutely deafening. Quiet being at length restored,

Captain Guy ordered the boats to be hoisted up, as a necessary

precaution, and gave the chief (whose name we soon found to be

Too-wit) to understand that we could admit no more than twenty of

his men on deck at one time. With this arrangement he appeared

perfectly satisfied, and gave some directions to the canoes, when

one of them approached, the rest remaining about fifty yards off.

Twenty of the savages now got on board, and proceeded to ramble

over every part of the deck, and scramble about among the

rigging, making themselves much at home, and examining every

article with great inquisitiveness.

It was quite evident that they had never before seen any of the

white race—from whose complexion, indeed, they appeared to

recoil. They believed the Jane to be a living creature, and

seemed to be afraid of hurting it with the points of their

spears, carefully turning them up. Our crew were much amused with

the conduct of Too-wit in one instance. The cook was splitting

some wood near the galley, and, by accident, struck his axe into

the deck, making a gash of considerable depth. The chief

immediately ran up, and pushing the cook on one side rather

roughly, commenced a half whine, half howl, strongly indicative

of sympathy in what he considered the sufferings of the schooner,

patting and smoothing the gash with his hand, and washing it from

a bucket of seawater which stood by. This was a degree of

ignorance for which we were not prepared, and for my part I could

not help thinking some of it affected.

When the visitors had satisfied, as well as they could, their

curiosity in regard to our upper works, they were admitted below,

when their amazement exceeded all bounds. Their astonishment now

appeared to be far too deep for words, for they roamed about in

silence, broken only by low ejaculations. The arms afforded them

much food for speculation, and they were suffered to handle and

examine them at leisure. I do not believe that they had the least

suspicion of their actual use, but rather took them for idols,

seeing the care we had of them, and the attention with which we

watched their movements while handling them. At the great guns

their wonder was redoubled. They approached them with every mark

of the profoundest reverence and awe, but forbore to examine them

minutely. There were two large mirrors in the cabin, and here was

the acme of their amazement. Too-wit was the first to approach

them, and he had got in the middle of the cabin, with his face to

one and his back to the other, before he fairly perceived them.

Upon raising his eyes and seeing his reflected self in the glass,

I thought the savage would go mad; but, upon turning short round

to make a retreat, and beholding himself a second time in the

opposite direction, I was afraid he would expire upon the spot.

No persuasion could prevail upon him to take another look;

throwing himself upon the floor, with his face buried in his

hands, he remained thus until we were obliged to drag him upon

deck.

The whole of the savages were admitted on board in this manner,

twenty at a time, Too-wit being suffered to remain during the

entire period. We saw no disposition to thievery among them, nor

did we miss a single article after their departure. Throughout

the whole of their visit they evinced the most friendly manner.

There were, however, some points in their demeanour which we

found it impossible to understand; for example, we could not get

them to approach several very harmless objects—such as the

schooner’s sails, an egg, an open book, or a pan of flour. We

endeavoured to ascertain if they had among them any articles

which might be turned to account in the way of traffic, but found

great difficulty in being comprehended. We made out,

nevertheless, what greatly astonished us, that the islands

abounded in the large tortoise of the Gallipagos, one of which we

saw in the canoe of Too-wit. We saw also some biche de mer in the

hands of one of the savages, who was greedily devouring it in its

natural state. These anomalies—for they were such when considered

in regard to the latitude—induced Captain Guy to wish for a

thorough investigation of the country, in the hope of making a

profitable speculation in his discovery. For my own part, anxious

as I was to know something more of these islands, I was still

more earnestly bent on prosecuting the voyage to the southward

without delay. We had now fine weather, but there was no telling

how long it would last; and being already in the eighty-fourth

parallel, with an open sea before us, a current setting strongly

to the southward, and the wind fair, I could not listen with any

patience to a proposition of stopping longer than was absolutely

necessary for the health of the crew and the taking on board a

proper supply of fuel and fresh provisions. I represented to the

captain that we might easily make this group on our return, and

winter here in the event of being blocked up by the ice. He at

length came into my views (for in some way, hardly known to

myself, I had acquired much influence over him), and it was

finally resolved that, even in the event of our finding biche de

mer, we should only stay here a week to recruit, and then push on

to the southward while we might. Accordingly we made every

necessary preparation, and, under the guidance of Too-wit, got

the Jane through the reef in safety, coming to anchor about a

mile from the shore, in an excellent bay, completely landlocked,

on the southeastern coast of the main island, and in ten fathoms

of water, black sandy bottom. At the head of this bay there were

three fine springs (we were told) of good water, and we saw

abundance of wood in the vicinity. The four canoes followed us

in, keeping, however, at a respectful distance. Too-wit himself

remained on board, and, upon our dropping anchor, invited us to

accompany him on shore, and visit his village in the interior. To

this Captain Guy consented; and ten savages being left on board

as hostages, a party of us, twelve in all, got in readiness to

attend the chief. We took care to be well armed, yet without

evincing any distrust. The schooner had her guns run out, her

boarding-nettings up, and every other proper precaution was taken

to guard against surprise. Directions were left with the chief

mate to admit no person on board during our absence, and, in the

event of our not appearing in twelve hours, to send the cutter,

with a swivel, around the island in search of us.

At every step we took inland the conviction forced itself upon us

that we were in a country differing essentially from any hitherto

visited by civilized men. We saw nothing with which we had been

formerly conversant. The trees resembled no growth of either the

torrid, the temperate, or the northern frigid zones, and were

altogether unlike those of the lower southern latitudes we had

already traversed. The very rocks were novel in their mass, their

color, and their stratification; and the streams themselves,

utterly incredible as it may appear, had so little in common with

those of other climates, that we were scrupulous of tasting them,

and, indeed, had difficulty in bringing ourselves to believe that

their qualities were purely those of nature. At a small brook

which crossed our path (the first we had reached) Too-wit and his

attendants halted to drink. On account of the singular character

of the water, we refused to taste it, supposing it to be

polluted; and it was not until some time afterward we came to

understand that such was the appearance of the streams throughout

the whole group. I am at a loss to give a distinct idea of the

nature of this liquid, and cannot do so without many words.

Although it flowed with rapidity in all declivities where common

water would do so, yet never, except when falling in a cascade,

had it the customary appearance of limpidity. It was,

nevertheless, in point of fact, as perfectly limpid as any

limestone water in existence, the difference being only in

appearance. At first sight, and especially in cases where little

declivity was found, it bore resemblance, as regards consistency,

to a thick infusion of gum arabic in common water. But this was

only the least remarkable of its extraordinary qualities. It was

not colourless, nor was it of any one uniform colour—presenting

to the eye, as it flowed, every possible shade of purple; like

the hues of a changeable silk. This variation in shade was

produced in a manner which excited as profound astonishment in

the minds of our party as the mirror had done in the case of

Too-wit. Upon collecting a basinful, and allowing it to settle

thoroughly, we perceived that the whole mass of liquid was made

up of a number of distinct veins, each of a distinct hue; that

these veins did not commingle; and that their cohesion was

perfect in regard to their own particles among themselves, and

imperfect in regard to neighbouring veins. Upon passing the blade

of a knife athwart the veins, the water closed over it

immediately, as with us, and also, in withdrawing it, all traces

of the passage of the knife were instantly obliterated. If,

however, the blade was passed down accurately between the two

veins, a perfect separation was effected, which the power of

cohesion did not immediately rectify. The phenomena of this water

formed the first definite link in that vast chain of apparent

miracles with which I was destined to be at length encircled.

CHAPTER 19

We were nearly three hours in reaching the village, it being more

than nine miles in the interior, and the path lying through a

rugged country. As we passed along, the party of Too-wit (the

whole hundred and ten savages of the canoes) was momentarily

strengthened by smaller detachments, of from two to six or seven,

which joined us, as if by accident, at different turns of the

road. There appeared so much of system in this that I could not

help feeling distrust, and I spoke to Captain Guy of my

apprehensions. It was now too late, however, to recede, and we

concluded that our best security lay in evincing a perfect

confidence in the good faith of Too-wit. We accordingly went on,

keeping a wary eye upon the manoeuvres of the savages, and not

permitting them to divide our numbers by pushing in between. In

this way, passing through a precipitous ravine, we at length

reached what we were told was the only collection of habitations

upon the island. As we came in sight of them, the chief set up a

shout, and frequently repeated the word Klock-klock, which we

supposed to be the name of the village, or perhaps the generic

name for villages.

The dwellings were of the most miserable description imaginable,

and, unlike those of even the lowest of the savage races with

which mankind are acquainted, were of no uniform plan. Some of

them (and these we found belonged to the Wampoos or Yampoos, the

great men of the land) consisted of a tree cut down at about four

feet from the root, with a large black skin thrown over it, and

hanging in loose folds upon the ground. Under this the savage

nestled. Others were formed by means of rough limbs of trees,

with the withered foliage upon them, made to recline, at an angle

of forty-five degrees, against a bank of clay, heaped up, without

regular form, to the height of five or six feet. Others, again,

were mere holes dug in the earth perpendicularly, and covered

over with similar branches, these being removed when the tenant

was about to enter, and pulled on again when he had entered. A

few were built among the forked limbs of trees as they stood, the

upper limbs being partially cut through, so as to bend over upon

the lower, thus forming thicker shelter from the weather. The

greater number, however, consisted of small shallow caverns,

apparently scratched in the face of a precipitous ledge of dark

stone, resembling fuller’s earth, with which three sides of the

village were bounded. At the door of each of these primitive

caverns was a small rock, which the tenant carefully placed

before the entrance upon leaving his residence, for what purpose

I could not ascertain, as the stone itself was never of

sufficient size to close up more than a third of the opening.

This village, if it were worthy of the name, lay in a valley of

some depth, and could only be approached from the southward, the

precipitous ledge of which I have already spoken cutting off all

access in other directions. Through the middle of the valley ran

a brawling stream of the same magical-looking water which has

been described. We saw several strange animals about the

dwellings, all appearing to be thoroughly domesticated. The

largest of these creatures resembled our common hog in the

structure of the body and snout; the tail, however, was bushy,

and the legs slender as those of the antelope. Its motion was

exceedingly awkward and indecisive, and we never saw it attempt

to run. We noticed also several animals very similar in

appearance, but of a greater length of body, and covered with a

black wool. There were a great variety of tame fowls running

about, and these seemed to constitute the chief food of the

natives. To our astonishment we saw black albatross among these

birds in a state of entire domestication, going to sea

periodically for food, but always returning to the village as a

home, and using the southern shore in the vicinity as a place of

incubation. There they were joined by their friends the pelicans

as usual, but these latter never followed them to the dwellings

of the savages. Among the other kinds of tame fowls were ducks,

differing very little from the canvass-back of our own country,

black gannets, and a large bird not unlike the buzzard in

appearance, but not carnivorous. Of fish there seemed to be a

great abundance. We saw, during our visit, a quantity of dried

salmon, rock cod, blue dolphins, mackerel, blackfish, skate,

conger eels, elephantfish, mullets, soles, parrotfish,

leather-jackets, gurnards, hake, flounders, paracutas, and

innumerable other varieties. We noticed, too, that most of them

were similar to the fish about the group of Lord Auckland

Islands, in a latitude as low as fifty-one degrees south. The

Gallipago tortoise was also very plentiful. We saw but few wild

animals, and none of a large size, or of a species with which we

were familiar. One or two serpents of a formidable aspect crossed

our path, but the natives paid them little attention, and we

concluded that they were not venomous.

As we approached the village with Too-wit and his party, a vast

crowd of the people rushed out to meet us, with loud shouts,

among which we could only distinguish the everlasting Anamoo-moo!

and Lama-Lama! We were much surprised at perceiving that, with

one or two exceptions, these new comers were entirely naked, and

skins being used only by the men of the canoes. All the weapons

of the country seemed also to be in the possession of the latter,

for there was no appearance of any among the villagers. There

were a great many women and children, the former not altogether

wanting in what might be termed personal beauty. They were

straight, tall, and well formed, with a grace and freedom of

carriage not to be found in civilized society. Their lips,

however, like those of the men, were thick and clumsy, so that,

even when laughing, the teeth were never disclosed. Their hair

was of a finer texture than that of the males. Among these naked

villagers there might have been ten or twelve who were clothed,

like the party of Too-wit, in dresses of black skin, and armed

with lances and heavy clubs. These appeared to have great

influence among the rest, and were always addressed by the title

Wampoo. These, too, were the tenants of the black skin palaces.

That of Too-wit was situated in the centre of the village, and

was much larger and somewhat better constructed than others of

its kind. The tree which formed its support was cut off at a

distance of twelve feet or thereabouts from the root, and there

were several branches left just below the cut, these serving to

extend the covering, and in this way prevent its flapping about

the trunk. The covering, too, which consisted of four very large

skins fastened together with wooden skewers, was secured at the

bottom with pegs driven through it and into the ground. The floor

was strewed with a quantity of dry leaves by way of carpet.

To this hut we were conducted with great solemnity, and as many

of the natives crowded in after us as possible. Too-wit seated

himself on the leaves, and made signs that we should follow his

example. This we did, and presently found ourselves in a

situation peculiarly uncomfortable, if not indeed critical. We

were on the ground, twelve in number, with the savages, as many

as forty, sitting on their hams so closely around us that, if any

disturbance had arisen, we should have found it impossible to

make use of our arms, or indeed to have risen to our feet. The

pressure was not only inside the tent, but outside, where

probably was every individual on the whole island, the crowd

being prevented from trampling us to death only by the incessant

exertions and vociferations of Too-wit. Our chief security lay,

however, in the presence of Too-wit himself among us, and we

resolved to stick by him closely, as the best chance of

extricating ourselves from the dilemma, sacrificing him

immediately upon the first appearance of hostile design.

After some trouble a certain degree of quiet was restored, when

the chief addressed us in a speech of great length, and very

nearly resembling the one delivered in the canoes, with the

exception that the Anamoo-moos! were now somewhat more

strenuously insisted upon than the Lama-Lamas! We listened in

profound silence until the conclusion of this harangue, when

Captain Guy replied by assuring the chief of his eternal

friendship and goodwill, concluding what he had to say by a

present of several strings of blue beads and a knife. At the

former the monarch, much to our surprise, turned up his nose with

some expression of contempt, but the knife gave him the most

unlimited satisfaction, and he immediately ordered dinner. This

was handed into the tent over the heads of the attendants, and

consisted of the palpitating entrails of a specialis of unknown

animal, probably one of the slim-legged hogs which we had

observed in our approach to the village. Seeing us at a loss how

to proceed, he began, by way of setting us an example, to devour

yard after yard of the enticing food, until we could positively

stand it no longer, and evinced such manifest symptoms of

rebellion of stomach as inspired his majesty with a degree of

astonishment only inferior to that brought about by the

looking-glasses. We declined, however, partaking of the

delicacies before us, and endeavoured to make him understand that

we had no appetite whatever, having just finished a hearty

dejeuner.

When the monarch had made an end of his meal, we commenced a

series of cross-questioning in every ingenious manner we could

devise, with a view of discovering what were the chief

productions of the country, and whether any of them might be

turned to profit. At length he seemed to have some idea of our

meaning, and offered to accompany us to a part of coast where he

assured us the biche de mer (pointing to a specimen of that

animal) was to be found in great abundance. We were glad of this

early opportunity of escaping from the oppression of the crowd,

and signified our eagerness to proceed. We now left the tent,

and, accompanied by the whole population of the village, followed

the chief to the southeastern extremity of the island, nor far

from the bay where our vessel lay at anchor. We waited here for

about an hour, until the four canoes were brought around by some

of the savages to our station. The whole of our party then

getting into one of them, we were paddled along the edge of the

reef before mentioned, and of another still farther out, where we

saw a far greater quantity of biche de mer than the oldest seamen

among us had ever seen in those groups of the lower latitudes

most celebrated for this article of commerce. We stayed near

these reefs only long enough to satisfy ourselves that we could

easily load a dozen vessels with the animal if necessary, when we

were taken alongside the schooner, and parted with Too-wit, after

obtaining from him a promise that he would bring us, in the

course of twenty-four hours, as many of the canvass-back ducks

and Gallipago tortoises as his canoes would hold. In the whole of

this adventure we saw nothing in the demeanour of the natives

calculated to create suspicion, with the single exception of the

systematic manner in which their party was strengthened during

our route from the schooner to the village.

CHAPTER 20

The chief was as good as his word, and we were soon plentifully

supplied with fresh provisions. We found the tortoises as fine as

we had ever seen, and the ducks surpassed our best species of

wild fowl, being exceedingly tender, juicy, and well-flavoured.

Besides these, the savages brought us, upon our making them

comprehend our wishes, a vast quantity of brown celery and scurvy

grass, with a canoe-load of fresh fish and some dried. The celery

was a treat indeed, and the scurvy grass proved of incalculable

benefit in restoring those of our men who had shown symptoms of

disease. In a very short time we had not a single person on the

sick-list. We had also plenty of other kinds of fresh provisions,

among which may be mentioned a species of shellfish resembling

the mussel in shape, but with the taste of an oyster. Shrimps,

too, and prawns were abundant, and albatross and other birds’

eggs with dark shells. We took in, too, a plentiful stock of the

flesh of the hog which I have mentioned before. Most of the men

found it a palatable food, but I thought it fishy and otherwise

disagreeable. In return for these good things we presented the

natives with blue beads, brass trinkets, nails, knives, and

pieces of red cloth, they being fully delighted in the exchange.

We established a regular market on shore, just under the guns of

the schooner, where our barterings were carried on with every

appearance of good faith, and a degree of order which their

conduct at the village of _Klock-klock_ had not led us to expect

from the savages.

Matters went on thus very amicably for several days, during which

parties of the natives were frequently on board the schooner, and

parties of our men frequently on shore, making long excursions

into the interior, and receiving no molestation whatever. Finding

the ease with which the vessel might be loaded with _biche de

mer_, owing to the friendly disposition of the islanders, and the

readiness with which they would render us assistance in

collecting it, Captain Guy resolved to enter into negotiations

with Too-wit for the erection of suitable houses in which to cure

the article, and for the services of himself and tribe in

gathering as much as possible, while he himself took advantage of

the fine weather to prosecute his voyage to the southward. Upon

mentioning this project to the chief he seemed very willing to

enter into an agreement. A bargain was accordingly struck,

perfectly satisfactory to both parties, by which it was arranged

that, after making the necessary preparations, such as laying off

the proper grounds, erecting a portion of the buildings, and

doing some other work in which the whole of our crew would be

required, the schooner should proceed on her route, leaving three

of her men on the island to superintend the fulfilment of the

project, and instruct the natives in drying the _biche de mer_.

In regard to terms, these were made to depend upon the exertions

of the savages in our absence. They were to receive a stipulated

quantity of blue beads, knives, red cloth, and so forth, for

every certain number of piculs of the _biche de mer_ which should

be ready on our return.

A description of the nature of this important article of

commerce, and the method of preparing it, may prove of some

interest to my readers, and I can find no more suitable place

than this for introducing an account of it. The following

comprehensive notice of the substance is taken from a modern

history of a voyage to the South Seas.

“It is that _mollusca_ from the Indian Seas which is known to

commerce by the French name _bouche de mer_ (a nice morsel from

the sea). If I am not much mistaken, the celebrated Cuvier calls

it _gasteropeda pulmonifera_. It is abundantly gathered in the

coasts of the Pacific islands, and gathered especially for the

Chinese market, where it commands a great price, perhaps as much

as their much-talked-of edible birds’ nests, which are properly

made up of the gelatinous matter picked up by a species of

swallow from the body of these molluscae. They have no shell, no

legs, nor any prominent part, except an _absorbing_ and an

_excretory_, opposite organs; but, by their elastic wings, like

caterpillars or worms, they creep in shallow waters, in which,

when low, they can be seen by a kind of swallow, the sharp bill

of which, inserted in the soft animal, draws a gummy and

filamentous substance, which, by drying, can be wrought into the

solid walls of their nest. Hence the name of _gasteropeda

pulmonifera_.

“This mollusca is oblong, and of different sizes, from three to

eighteen inches in length; and I have seen a few that were not

less than two feet long. They were nearly round, a little

flattish on one side, which lies next to the bottom of the sea;

and they are from one to eight inches thick. They crawl up into

shallow water at particular seasons of the year, probably for the

purpose of gendering, as we often find them in pairs. It is when

the sun has the most power on the water, rendering it tepid, that

they approach the shore; and they often go up into places so

shallow that, on the tide’s receding, they are left dry, exposed

to the beat of the sun. But they do not bring forth their young

in shallow water, as we never see any of their progeny, and

full-grown ones are always observed coming in from deep water.

They feed principally on that class of zoophytes which produce

the coral.

“The _biche de mer_ is generally taken in three or four feet of

water; after which they are brought on shore, and split at one

end with a knife, the incision being one inch or more, according

to the size of the mollusca. Through this opening the entrails

are forced out by pressure, and they are much like those of any

other small tenant of the deep. The article is then washed, and

afterward boiled to a certain degree, which must not be too much

or too little. They are then buried in the ground for four hours,

then boiled again for a short time, after which they are dried,

either by the fire or the sun. Those cured by the sun are worth

the most; but where one picul (133 1/3 lbs.) can be cured that

way, I can cure thirty piculs by the fire. When once properly

cured, they can be kept in a dry place for two or three years

without any risk; but they should be examined once in every few

months, say four times a year, to see if any dampness is likely

to affect them.

“The Chinese, as before stated, consider _biche de mer_ a very

great luxury, believing that it wonderfully strengthens and

nourishes the system, and renews the exhausted system of the

immoderate voluptuary. The first quality commands a high price in

Canton, being worth ninety dollars a picul; the second quality,

seventy-five dollars; the third, fifty dollars; the fourth,

thirty dollars; the fifth, twenty dollars; the sixth, twelve

dollars; the seventh, eight dollars; and the eighth, four

dollars; small cargoes, however, will often bring more in

Manilla, Singapore, and Batavia.”

An agreement having been thus entered into, we proceeded

immediately to land everything necessary for preparing the

buildings and clearing the ground. A large flat space near the

eastern shore of the bay was selected, where there was plenty of

both wood and water, and within a convenient distance of the

principal reefs on which the _biche de mer_ was to be procured.

We now all set to work in good earnest, and soon, to the great

astonishment of the savages, had felled a sufficient number of

trees for our purpose, getting them quickly in order for the

framework of the houses, which in two or three days were so far

under way that we could safely trust the rest of the work to the

three men whom we intended to leave behind. These were John

Carson, Alfred Harris, and ___ Peterson (all natives of London, I

believe), who volunteered their services in this respect.

By the last of the month we had everything in readiness for

departure. We had agreed, however, to pay a formal visit of

leave-taking to the village, and Too-wit insisted so

pertinaciously upon our keeping the promise that we did not think

it advisable to run the risk of offending him by a final refusal.

I believe that not one of us had at this time the slightest

suspicion of the good faith of the savages. They had uniformly

behaved with the greatest decorum, aiding us with alacrity in our

work, offering us their commodities, frequently without price,

and never, in any instance, pilfering a single article, although

the high value they set upon the goods we had with us was evident

by the extravagant demonstrations of joy always manifested upon

our making them a present. The women especially were most

obliging in every respect, and, upon the whole, we should have

been the most suspicious of human beings had we entertained a

single thought of perfidy on the part of a people who treated us

so well. A very short while sufficed to prove that this apparent

kindness of disposition was only the result of a deeply laid plan

for our destruction, and that the islanders for whom we

entertained such inordinate feelings of esteem, were among the

most barbarous, subtle, and bloodthirsty wretches that ever

contaminated the face of the globe.

It was on the first of February that we went on shore for the

purpose of visiting the village. Although, as said before, we

entertained not the slightest suspicion, still no proper

precaution was neglected. Six men were left in the schooner, with

instructions to permit none of the savages to approach the vessel

during our absence, under any pretence whatever, and to remain

constantly on deck. The boarding-nettings were up, the guns

double-shotted with grape and canister, and the swivels loaded

with canisters of musket-balls. She lay, with her anchor apeak,

about a mile from the shore, and no canoe could approach her in

any direction without being distinctly seen and exposed to the

full fire of our swivels immediately.

The six men being left on board, our shore-party consisted of

thirty-two persons in all. We were armed to the teeth, having

with us muskets, pistols, and cutlasses; besides, each had a long

kind of seaman’s knife, somewhat resembling the bowie knife now

so much used throughout our western and southern country. A

hundred of the black skin warriors met us at the landing for the

purpose of accompanying us on our way. We noticed, however, with

some surprise, that they were now entirely without arms; and,

upon questioning Too-wit in relation to this circumstance, he

merely answered that _Mattee non we pa pa si_—meaning that there

was no need of arms where all were brothers. We took this in good

part, and proceeded.

We had passed the spring and rivulet of which I before spoke, and

were now entering upon a narrow gorge leading through the chain

of soapstone hills among which the village was situated. This

gorge was very rocky and uneven, so much so that it was with no

little difficulty we scrambled through it on our first visit to

Klock-klock. The whole length of the ravine might have been a

mile and a half, or probably two miles. It wound in every

possible direction through the hills (having apparently formed,

at some remote period, the bed of a torrent), in no instance

proceeding more than twenty yards without an abrupt turn. The

sides of this dell would have averaged, I am sure, seventy or

eighty feet in perpendicular altitude throughout the whole of

their extent, and in some portions they arose to an astonishing

height, overshadowing the pass so completely that but little of

the light of day could penetrate. The general width was about

forty feet, and occasionally it diminished so as not to allow the

passage of more than five or six persons abreast. In short, there

could be no place in the world better adapted for the

consummation of an ambuscade, and it was no more than natural

that we should look carefully to our arms as we entered upon it.

When I now think of our egregious folly, the chief subject of

astonishment seems to be, that we should have ever ventured,

under any circumstances, so completely into the power of unknown

savages as to permit them to march both before and behind us in

our progress through this ravine. Yet such was the order we

blindly took up, trusting foolishly to the force of our party,

the unarmed condition of Too-wit and his men, the certain

efficacy of our firearms (whose effect was yet a secret to the

natives), and, more than all, to the long-sustained pretension of

friendship kept up by these infamous wretches. Five or six of

them went on before, as if to lead the way, ostentatiously

busying themselves in removing the larger stones and rubbish from

the path. Next came our own party. We walked closely together,

taking care only to prevent separation. Behind followed the main

body of the savages, observing unusual order and decorum.

Dirk Peters, a man named Wilson Allen, and myself were on the

right of our companions, examining, as we went along, the

singular stratification of the precipice which overhung us. A

fissure in the soft rock attracted our attention. It was about

wide enough for one person to enter without squeezing, and

extended back into the hill some eighteen or twenty feet in a

straight course, sloping afterward to the left. The height of the

opening, is far as we could see into it from the main gorge, was

perhaps sixty or seventy feet. There were one or two stunted

shrubs growing from the crevices, bearing a species of filbert

which I felt some curiosity to examine, and pushed in briskly for

that purpose, gathering five or six of the nuts at a grasp, and

then hastily retreating. As I turned, I found that Peters and

Allen had followed me. I desired them to go back, as there was

not room for two persons to pass, saying they should have some of

my nuts. They accordingly turned, and were scrambling back, Allen

being close to the mouth of the fissure, when I was suddenly

aware of a concussion resembling nothing I had ever before

experienced, and which impressed me with a vague conception, if

indeed I then thought of anything, that the whole foundations of

the solid globe were suddenly rent asunder, and that the day of

universal dissolution was at hand.

CHAPTER 21

As soon as I could collect my scattered senses, I found myself

nearly suffocated, and grovelling in utter darkness among a

quantity of loose earth, which was also falling upon me heavily

in every direction, threatening to bury me entirely. Horribly

alarmed at this idea, I struggled to gain my feet, and at last

succeeded. I then remained motionless for some moments,

endeavouring to conceive what had happened to me, and where I

was. Presently I heard a deep groan just at my ear, and afterward

the smothered voice of Peters calling to me for aid in the name

of God. I scrambled one or two paces forward, when I fell

directly over the head and shoulders of my companion, who, I soon

discovered, was buried in a loose mass of earth as far as his

middle, and struggling desperately to free himself from the

pressure. I tore the dirt from around him with all the energy I

could command, and at length succeeded in getting him out.

As soon as we sufficiently recovered from our fright and surprise

to be capable of conversing rationally, we both came to the

conclusion that the walls of the fissure in which we had ventured

had, by some convulsion of nature, or probably from their own

weight, caved in overhead, and that we were consequently lost for

ever, being thus entombed alive. For a long time we gave up

supinely to the most intense agony and despair, such as cannot be

adequately imagined by those who have never been in a similar

position. I firmly believed that no incident ever occurring in

the course of human events is more adapted to inspire the

supremeness of mental and bodily distress than a case like our

own, of living inhumation. The blackness of darkness which

envelops the victim, the terrific oppression of lungs, the

stifling fumes from the damp earth, unite with the ghastly

considerations that we are beyond the remotest confines of hope,

and that such is the allotted portion of the dead, to carry into

the human heart a degree of appalling awe and horror not to be

tolerated—never to be conceived.

At length Peters proposed that we should endeavour to ascertain

precisely the extent of our calamity, and grope about our prison;

it being barely possible, he observed, that some opening might

yet be left us for escape. I caught eagerly at this hope, and,

arousing myself to exertion, attempted to force my way through

the loose earth. Hardly had I advanced a single step before a

glimmer of light became perceptible, enough to convince me that,

at all events, we should not immediately perish for want of air.

We now took some degree of heart, and encouraged each other to

hope for the best. Having scrambled over a bank of rubbish which

impeded our farther progress in the direction of the light, we

found less difficulty in advancing and also experienced some

relief from the excessive oppression of lungs which had tormented

us. Presently we were enabled to obtain a glimpse of the objects

around, and discovered that we were near the extremity of the

straight portion of the fissure, where it made a turn to the

left. A few struggles more, and we reached the bend, when to our

inexpressible joy, there appeared a long seam or crack extending

upward a vast distance, generally at an angle of about forty-five

degrees, although sometimes much more precipitous. We could not

see through the whole extent of this opening; but, as a good deal

of light came down it, we had little doubt of finding at the top

of it (if we could by any means reach the top) a clear passage

into the open air.

I now called to mind that three of us had entered the fissure

from the main gorge, and that our companion, Allen, was still

missing; we determined at once to retrace our steps and look for

him. After a long search, and much danger from the farther caving

in of the earth above us, Peters at length cried out to me that

he had hold of our companion’s foot, and that his whole body was

deeply buried beneath the rubbish beyond the possibility of

extricating him. I soon found that what he said was too true, and

that, of course, life had been long extinct. With sorrowful

hearts, therefore, we left the corpse to its fate, and again made

our way to the bend.

The breadth of the seam was barely sufficient to admit us, and,

after one or two ineffectual efforts at getting up, we began once

more to despair. I have before said that the chain of hills

through which ran the main gorge was composed of a species of

soft rock resembling soapstone. The sides of the cleft we were

now attempting to ascend were of the same material, and so

excessively slippery, being wet, that we could get but little

foothold upon them even in their least precipitous parts; in some

places, where the ascent was nearly perpendicular, the difficulty

was, of course, much aggravated; and, indeed, for some time we

thought insurmountable. We took courage, however, from despair,

and what, by dint of cutting steps in the soft stone with our

bowie knives, and swinging at the risk of our lives, to small

projecting points of a harder species of slaty rock which now and

then protruded from the general mass, we at length reached a

natural platform, from which was perceptible a patch of blue sky,

at the extremity of a thickly-wooded ravine. Looking back now,

with somewhat more leisure, at the passage through which we had

thus far proceeded, we clearly saw from the appearance of its

sides, that it was of late formation, and we concluded that the

concussion, whatever it was, which had so unexpectedly

overwhelmed us, had also, at the same moment, laid open this path

for escape. Being quite exhausted with exertion, and indeed, so

weak that we were scarcely able to stand or articulate, Peters

now proposed that we should endeavour to bring our companions to

the rescue by firing the pistols which still remained in our

girdles—the muskets as well as cutlasses had been lost among the

loose earth at the bottom of the chasm. Subsequent events proved

that, had we fired, we should have sorely repented it, but

luckily a half suspicion of foul play had by this time arisen in

my mind, and we forbore to let the savages know of our

whereabouts.

After having reposed for about an hour, we pushed on slowly up

the ravine, and had gone no great way before we heard a

succession of tremendous yells. At length we reached what might

be called the surface of the ground; for our path hitherto, since

leaving the platform, had lain beneath an archway of high rock

and foliage, at a vast distance overhead. With great caution we

stole to a narrow opening, through which we had a clear sight of

the surrounding country, when the whole dreadful secret of the

concussion broke upon us in one moment and at one view.

The spot from which we looked was not far from the summit of the

highest peak in the range of the soapstone hills. The gorge in

which our party of thirty-two had entered ran within fifty feet

to the left of us. But, for at least one hundred yards, the

channel or bed of this gorge was entirely filled up with the

chaotic ruins of more than a million tons of earth and stone that

had been artificially tumbled within it. The means by which the

vast mass had been precipitated were not more simple than

evident, for sure traces of the murderous work were yet

remaining. In several spots along the top of the eastern side of

the gorge (we were now on the western) might be seen stakes of

wood driven into the earth. In these spots the earth had not

given way, but throughout the whole extent of the face of the

precipice from which the mass had fallen, it was clear, from

marks left in the soil resembling those made by the drill of the

rock blaster, that stakes similar to those we saw standing had

been inserted, at not more than a yard apart, for the length of

perhaps three hundred feet, and ranging at about ten feet back

from the edge of the gulf. Strong cords of grape vine were

attached to the stakes still remaining on the hill, and it was

evident that such cords had also been attached to each of the

other stakes. I have already spoken of the singular

stratification of these soapstone hills; and the description just

given of the narrow and deep fissure through which we effected

our escape from inhumation will afford a further conception of

its nature. This was such that almost every natural convulsion

would be sure to split the soil into perpendicular layers or

ridges running parallel with one another, and a very moderate

exertion of art would be sufficient for effecting the same

purpose. Of this stratification the savages had availed

themselves to accomplish their treacherous ends. There can be no

doubt that, by the continuous line of stakes, a partial rupture

of the soil had been brought about probably to the depth of one

or two feet, when by means of a savage pulling at the end of each

of the cords (these cords being attached to the tops of the

stakes, and extending back from the edge of the cliff), a vast

leverage power was obtained, capable of hurling the whole face of

the hill, upon a given signal, into the bosom of the abyss below.

The fate of our poor companions was no longer a matter of

uncertainty. We alone had escaped from the tempest of that

overwhelming destruction. We were the only living white men upon

the island.

CHAPTER 22

Our situation, as it now appeared, was scarcely less dreadful

than when we had conceived ourselves entombed forever. We saw

before us no prospect but that of being put to death by the

savages, or of dragging out a miserable existence in captivity

among them. We might, to be sure, conceal ourselves for a time

from their observation among the fastnesses of the hills, and, as

a final resort, in the chasm from which we had just issued; but

we must either perish in the long polar winter through cold and

famine, or be ultimately discovered in our efforts to obtain

relief.

The whole country around us seemed to be swarming with savages,

crowds of whom, we now perceived, had come over from the islands

to the southward on flat rafts, doubtless with a view of lending

their aid in the capture and plunder of the Jane. The vessel

still lay calmly at anchor in the bay, those on board being

apparently quite unconscious of any danger awaiting them. How we

longed at that moment to be with them! either to aid in effecting

their escape, or to perish with them in attempting a defence. We

saw no chance even of warning them of their danger without

bringing immediate destruction upon our own heads, with but a

remote hope of benefit to them. A pistol fired might suffice to

apprise them that something wrong had occurred; but the report

could not possibly inform them that their only prospect of safety

lay in getting out of the harbour forthwith—it could not tell

them that no principles of honour now bound them to remain, that

their companions were no longer among the living. Upon hearing

the discharge they could not be more thoroughly prepared to meet

the foe, who were now getting ready to attack, than they already

were, and always had been. No good, therefore, and infinite harm,

would result from our firing, and after mature deliberation, we

forbore.

Our next thought was to attempt to rush toward the vessel, to

seize one of the four canoes which lay at the head of the bay,

and endeavour to force a passage on board. But the utter

impossibility of succeeding in this desperate task soon became

evident. The country, as I said before, was literally swarming

with the natives, skulking among the bushes and recesses of the

hills, so as not to be observed from the schooner. In our

immediate vicinity especially, and blockading the sole path by

which we could hope to attain the shore at the proper point were

stationed the whole party of the black skin warriors, with

Too-wit at their head, and apparently only waiting for some

re-enforcement to commence his onset upon the Jane. The canoes,

too, which lay at the head of the bay, were manned with savages,

unarmed, it is true, but who undoubtedly had arms within reach.

We were forced, therefore, however unwillingly, to remain in our

place of concealment, mere spectators of the conflict which

presently ensued.

In about half an hour we saw some sixty or seventy rafts, or

flatboats, without riggers, filled with savages, and coming round

the southern bight of the harbor. They appeared to have no arms

except short clubs, and stones which lay in the bottom of the

rafts. Immediately afterward another detachment, still larger,

appeared in an opposite direction, and with similar weapons. The

four canoes, too, were now quickly filled with natives, starting

up from the bushes at the head of the bay, and put off swiftly to

join the other parties. Thus, in less time than I have taken to

tell it, and as if by magic, the Jane saw herself surrounded by

an immense multitude of desperadoes evidently bent upon capturing

her at all hazards.

That they would succeed in so doing could not be doubted for an

instant. The six men left in the vessel, however resolutely they

might engage in her defence, were altogether unequal to the

proper management of the guns, or in any manner to sustain a

contest at such odds. I could hardly imagine that they would make

resistance at all, but in this was deceived; for presently I saw

them get springs upon the cable, and bring the vessel’s starboard

broadside to bear upon the canoes, which by this time were within

pistol range, the rafts being nearly a quarter of a mile to

windward. Owing to some cause unknown, but most probably to the

agitation of our poor friends at seeing themselves in so hopeless

a situation, the discharge was an entire failure. Not a canoe was

hit or a single savage injured, the shots striking short and

ricocheting over their heads. The only effect produced upon them

was astonishment at the unexpected report and smoke, which was so

excessive that for some moments I almost thought they would

abandon their design entirely, and return to the shore. And this

they would most likely have done had our men followed up their

broadside by a discharge of small arms, in which, as the canoes

were now so near at hand, they could not have failed in doing

some execution, sufficient, at least, to deter this party from a

farther advance, until they could have given the rafts also a

broadside. But, in place of this, they left the canoe party to

recover from their panic, and, by looking about them, to see that

no injury had been sustained, while they flew to the larboard to

get ready for the rafts.

The discharge to larboard produced the most terrible effect. The

star and double-headed shot of the large guns cut seven or eight

of the rafts completely asunder, and killed, perhaps, thirty or

forty of the savages outright, while a hundred of them, at least,

were thrown into the water, the most of them dreadfully wounded.

The remainder, frightened out of their senses, commenced at once

a precipitate retreat, not even waiting to pick up their maimed

companions, who were swimming about in every direction, screaming

and yelling for aid. This great success, however, came too late

for the salvation of our devoted people. The canoe party were

already on board the schooner to the number of more than a

hundred and fifty, the most of them having succeeded in

scrambling up the chains and over the boarding-netting even

before the matches had been applied to the larboard guns. Nothing

now could withstand their brute rage. Our men were borne down at

once, overwhelmed, trodden under foot, and absolutely torn to

pieces in an instant.

Seeing this, the savages on the rafts got the better of their

fears, and came up in shoals to the plunder. In five minutes the

Jane was a pitiable scene indeed of havoc and tumultuous outrage.

The decks were split open and ripped up; the cordage, sails, and

everything movable on deck demolished as if by magic, while, by

dint of pushing at the stern, towing with the canoes, and hauling

at the sides, as they swam in thousands around the vessel, the

wretches finally forced her on shore (the cable having been

slipped), and delivered her over to the good offices of Too-wit,

who, during the whole of the engagement, had maintained, like a

skilful general, his post of security and reconnaissance among

the hills, but, now that the victory was completed to his

satisfaction, condescended to scamper down with his warriors of

the black skin, and become a partaker in the spoils.

Too-wit’s descent left us at liberty to quit our hiding place and

reconnoitre the hill in the vicinity of the chasm. At about fifty

yards from the mouth of it we saw a small spring of water, at

which we slaked the burning thirst that now consumed us. Not far

from the spring we discovered several of the filbert-bushes which

I mentioned before. Upon tasting the nuts we found them

palatable, and very nearly resembling in flavour the common

English filbert. We collected our hats full immediately,

deposited them within the ravine, and returned for more. While we

were busily employed in gathering these, a rustling in the bushes

alarmed us, and we were upon the point of stealing back to our

covert, when a large black bird of the bittern species

strugglingly and slowly arose above the shrubs. I was so much

startled that I could do nothing, but Peters had sufficient

presence of mind to run up to it before it could make its escape,

and seize it by the neck. Its struggles and screams were

tremendous, and we had thoughts of letting it go, lest the noise

should alarm some of the savages who might be still lurking in

the neighbourhood. A stab with a bowie knife, however, at length

brought it to the ground, and we dragged it into the ravine,

congratulating ourselves that, at all events, we had thus

obtained a supply of food enough to last us for a week.

We now went out again to look about us, and ventured a

considerable distance down the southern declivity of the hill,

but met with nothing else which could serve us for food. We

therefore collected a quantity of dry wood and returned, seeing

one or two large parties of the natives on their way to the

village, laden with the plunder of the vessel, and who, we were

apprehensive, might discover us in passing beneath the hill.

Our next care was to render our place of concealment as secure as

possible, and with this object, we arranged some brushwood over

the aperture which I have before spoken of as the one through

which we saw the patch of blue sky, on reaching the platform from

the interior of the chasm. We left only a very small opening just

wide enough to admit of our seeing the bay, without the risk of

being discovered from below. Having done this, we congratulated

ourselves upon the security of the position; for we were now

completely excluded from observation, as long as we chose to

remain within the ravine itself, and not venture out upon the

hill, We could perceive no traces of the savages having ever been

within this hollow; but, indeed, when we came to reflect upon the

probability that the fissure through which we attained it had

been only just now created by the fall of the cliff opposite, and

that no other way of attaining it could be perceived, we were not

so much rejoiced at the thought of being secure from molestation

as fearful lest there should be absolutely no means left us for

descent. We resolved to explore the summit of the hill

thoroughly, when a good opportunity should offer. In the meantime

we watched the motions of the savages through our loophole.

They had already made a complete wreck of the vessel, and were

now preparing to set her on fire. In a little while we saw the

smoke ascending in huge volumes from her main hatchway, and,

shortly afterward, a dense mass of flame burst up from the

forecastle. The rigging, masts and what remained of the sails

caught immediately, and the fire spread rapidly along the decks.

Still a great many of the savages retained their stations about

her, hammering with large stones, axes, and cannon balls at the

bolts and other iron and copper work. On the beach, and in canoes

and rafts, there were not less, altogether, in the immediate

vicinity of the schooner, than ten thousand natives, besides the

shoals of them who, laden with booty, were making their way

inland and over to the neighbouring islands. We now anticipated a

catastrophe, and were not disappointed. First of all there came a

smart shock (which we felt as distinctly where we were as if we

had been slightly galvanized), but unattended with any visible

signs of an explosion. The savages were evidently startled, and

paused for an instant from their labours and yellings. They were

upon the point of recommencing, when suddenly a mass of smoke

puffed up from the decks, resembling a black and heavy

thundercloud—then, as if from its bowels, arose a tall stream of

vivid fire to the height, apparently, of a quarter of a mile—then

there came a sudden circular expansion of the flame—then the

whole atmosphere was magically crowded, in a single instant, with

a wild chaos of wood, and metal, and human limbs—and, lastly,

came the concussion in its fullest fury, which hurled us

impetuously from our feet, while the hills echoed and re-echoed

the tumult, and a dense shower of the minutest fragments of the

ruins tumbled headlong in every direction around us.

The havoc among the savages far exceeded our utmost expectation,

and they had now, indeed, reaped the full and perfect fruits of

their treachery. Perhaps a thousand perished by the explosion,

while at least an equal number were desperately mangled. The

whole surface of the bay was literally strewn with the struggling

and drowning wretches, and on shore matters were even worse. They

seemed utterly appalled by the suddenness and completeness of

their discomfiture, and made no efforts at assisting one another.

At length we observed a total change in their demeanour. From

absolute stupor, they appeared to be, all at once, aroused to the

highest pitch of excitement, and rushed wildly about, going to

and from a certain point on the beach, with the strangest

expressions of mingled horror, rage, and intense curiosity

depicted on their countenances, and shouting, at the top of their

voices, “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!”

Presently we saw a large body go off into the hills, whence they

returned in a short time, carrying stakes of wood. These they

brought to the station where the crowd was the thickest, which

now separated so as to afford us a view of the object of all this

excitement. We perceived something white lying upon the ground,

but could not immediately make out what it was. At length we saw

that it was the carcass of the strange animal with the scarlet

teeth and claws which the schooner had picked up at sea on the

eighteenth of January. Captain Guy had had the body preserved for

the purpose of stuffing the skin and taking it to England. I

remember he had given some directions about it just before our

making the island, and it had been brought into the cabin and

stowed away in one of the lockers. It had now been thrown on

shore by the explosion; but why it had occasioned so much concern

among the savages was more than we could comprehend. Although

they crowded around the carcass at a little distance, none of

them seemed willing to approach it closely. By-and-by the men

with the stakes drove them in a circle around it, and no sooner

was this arrangement completed, than the whole of the vast

assemblage rushed into the interior of the island, with loud

screams of “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!”

CHAPTER 23

During the six or seven days immediately following we remained in

our hiding-place upon the hill, going out only occasionally, and

then with the greatest precaution, for water and filberts. We had

made a kind of penthouse on the platform, furnishing it with a

bed of dry leaves, and placing in it three large flat stones,

which served us for both fireplace and table. We kindled a fire

without difficulty by rubbing two pieces of dry wood together,

the one soft, the other hard. The bird we had taken in such good

season proved excellent eating, although somewhat tough. It was

not an oceanic fowl, but a species of bittern, with jet black and

grizzly plumage, and diminutive wings in proportion to its bulk.

We afterward saw three of the same kind in the vicinity of the

ravine, apparently seeking for the one we had captured; but, as

they never alighted, we had no opportunity of catching them.

As long as this fowl lasted we suffered nothing from our

situation, but it was now entirely consumed, and it became

absolutely necessary that we should look out for provision. The

filberts would not satisfy the cravings of hunger, afflicting us,

too, with severe gripings of the bowels, and, if freely indulged

in, with violent headache. We had seen several large tortoises

near the seashore to the eastward of the hill, and perceived they

might be easily taken, if we could get at them without the

observation of the natives. It was resolved, therefore, to make

an attempt at descending.

We commenced by going down the southern declivity, which seemed

to offer the fewest difficulties, but had not proceeded a hundred

yards before (as we had anticipated from appearances on the

hilltop) our progress was entirely arrested by a branch of the

gorge in which our companions had perished. We now passed along

the edge of this for about a quarter of a mile, when we were

again stopped by a precipice of immense depth, and, not being

able to make our way along the brink of it, we were forced to

retrace our steps by the main ravine.

We now pushed over to the eastward, but with precisely similar

fortune. After an hour’s scramble, at the risk of breaking our

necks, we discovered that we had merely descended into a vast pit

of black granite, with fine dust at the bottom, and whence the

only egress was by the rugged path in which we had come down.

Toiling again up this path, we now tried the northern edge of the

hill. Here we were obliged to use the greatest possible caution

in our maneuvers, as the least indiscretion would expose us to

the full view of the savages in the village. We crawled along,

therefore, on our hands and knees, and, occasionally, were even

forced to throw ourselves at full length, dragging our bodies

along by means of the shrubbery. In this careful manner we had

proceeded but a little way, when we arrived at a chasm far deeper

than any we had yet seen, and leading directly into the main

gorge. Thus our fears were fully confirmed, and we found

ourselves cut off entirely from access to the world below.

Thoroughly exhausted by our exertions, we made the best of our

way back to the platform, and throwing ourselves upon the bed of

leaves, slept sweetly and soundly for some hours.

For several days after this fruitless search we were occupied in

exploring every part of the summit of the hill, in order to

inform ourselves of its actual resources. We found that it would

afford us no food, with the exception of the unwholesome

filberts, and a rank species of scurvy grass, which grew in a

little patch of not more than four rods square, and would be soon

exhausted. On the fifteenth of February, as near as I can

remember, there was not a blade of this left, and the nuts were

growing scarce; our situation, therefore, could hardly be more

lamentable. {*5} On the sixteenth we again went round the walls

of our prison, in hope of finding some avenue of escape; but to

no purpose. We also descended the chasm in which we had been

overwhelmed, with the faint expectation of discovering, through

this channel, some opening to the main ravine. Here, too, we were

disappointed, although we found and brought up with us a musket.

On the seventeenth we set out with the determination of examining

more thoroughly the chasm of black granite into which we had made

our way in the first search. We remembered that one of the

fissures in the sides of this pit had been but partially looked

into, and we were anxious to explore it, although with no

expectation of discovering here any opening.

We found no great difficulty in reaching the bottom of the hollow

as before, and were now sufficiently calm to survey it with some

attention. It was, indeed, one of the most singular-looking

places imaginable, and we could scarcely bring ourselves to

believe it altogether the work of nature. The pit, from its

eastern to its western extremity, was about five hundred yards in

length, when all its windings were threaded; the distance from

east to west in a straight line not being more (I should suppose,

having no means of accurate examination) than forty or fifty

yards. Upon first descending into the chasm, that is to say, for

a hundred feet downward from the summit of the hill, the sides of

the abyss bore little resemblance to each other, and, apparently,

had at no time been connected, the one surface being of the

soapstone, and the other of marl, granulated with some metallic

matter. The average breadth or interval between the two cliffs

was probably here sixty feet, but there seemed to be no

regularity of formation. Passing down, however, beyond the limit

spoken of, the interval rapidly contracted, and the sides began

to run parallel, although, for some distance farther, they were

still dissimilar in their material and form of surface. Upon

arriving within fifty feet of the bottom, a perfect regularity

commenced. The sides were now entirely uniform in substance, in

colour, and in lateral direction, the material being a very black

and shining granite, and the distance between the two sides, at

all points facing each other, exactly twenty yards. The precise

formation of the chasm will be best understood by means of a

delineation taken upon the spot; for I had luckily with me a

pocketbook and pencil, which I preserved with great care through

a long series of subsequent adventure, and to which I am indebted

for memoranda of many subjects which would otherwise have been

crowded from my remembrance.

This figure [No figures in text] gives the general outlines of

the chasm, without the minor cavities in the sides, of which

there were several, each cavity having a corresponding

protuberance opposite. The bottom of the gulf was covered to the

depth of three or four inches with a powder almost impalpable,

beneath which we found a continuation of the black granite. To

the right, at the lower extremity, will be noticed the appearance

of a small opening; this is the fissure alluded to above, and to

examine which more minutely than before was the object of our

second visit. We now pushed into it with vigor, cutting away a

quantity of brambles which impeded us, and removing a vast heap

of sharp flints somewhat resembling arrowheads in shape. We were

encouraged to persevere, however, by perceiving some little light

proceeding from the farther end. We at length squeezed our way

for about thirty feet, and found that the aperture was a low and

regularly formed arch, having a bottom of the same impalpable

powder as that in the main chasm. A strong light now broke upon

us, and, turning a short bend, we found ourselves in another

lofty chamber, similar to the one we had left in every respect

but longitudinal form. Its general figure is here given.

The total length of this chasm, commencing at the opening _a_ and

proceeding round the curve _b_ to the extremity _d_, is five

hundred and fifty yards. At _c_ we discovered a small aperture

similar to the one through which we had issued from the other

chasm, and this was choked up in the same manner with brambles

and a quantity of the white arrowhead flints. We forced our way

through it, finding it about forty feet long, and emerged into a

third chasm. This, too, was precisely like the first, except in

its longitudinal shape, which was thus.

We found the entire length of the third chasm three hundred and

twenty yards. At the point _a_ was an opening about six feet

wide, and extending fifteen feet into the rock, where it

terminated in a bed of marl, there being no other chasm beyond,

as we had expected. We were about leaving this fissure, into

which very little light was admitted, when Peters called my

attention to a range of singular-looking indentures in the

surface of the marl forming the termination of the _cul-de-sac_.

With a very slight exertion of the imagination, the left, or most

northern of these indentures might have been taken for the

intentional, although rude, representation of a human figure

standing erect, with outstretched arm. The rest of them bore also

some little resemblance to alphabetical characters, and Peters

was willing, at all events, to adopt the idle opinion that they

were really such. I convinced him of his error, finally, by

directing his attention to the floor of the fissure, where, among

the powder, we picked up, piece by piece, several large flakes of

the marl, which had evidently been broken off by some convulsion

from the surface where the indentures were found, and which had

projecting points exactly fitting the indentures; thus proving

them to have been the work of nature.

After satisfying ourselves that these singular caverns afforded

us no means of escape from our prison, we made our way back,

dejected and dispirited, to the summit of the hill. Nothing worth

mentioning occurred during the next twenty-four hours, except

that, in examining the ground to the eastward of the third chasm,

we found two triangular holes of great depth, and also with black

granite sides. Into these holes we did not think it worth while

to attempt descending, as they had the appearance of mere natural

wells, without outlet. They were each about twenty yards in

circumference, and their shape, as well as relative position in

regard to the third chasm, is shown in figure 5. {image}

CHAPTER 24

On the twentieth of the month, finding it altogether impossible

to subsist any longer upon the filberts, the use of which

occasioned us the most excruciating torment, we resolved to make

a desperate attempt at descending the southern declivity of the

hill. The face of the precipice was here of the softest species

of soapstone, although nearly perpendicular throughout its whole

extent (a depth of a hundred and fifty feet at the least), and in

many places even overarching. After a long search we discovered a

narrow ledge about twenty feet below the brink of the gulf; upon

this Peters contrived to leap, with what assistance I could

render him by means of our pocket-handkerchiefs tied together.

With somewhat more difficulty I also got down; and we then saw

the possibility of descending the whole way by the process in

which we had clambered up from the chasm when we had been buried

by the fall of the hill—that is, by cutting steps in the face of

the soapstone with our knives. The extreme hazard of the attempt

can scarcely be conceived; but, as there was no other resource,

we determined to undertake it.

Upon the ledge where we stood there grew some filbert-bushes; and

to one of these we made fast an end of our rope of handkerchiefs.

The other end being tied round Peters’ waist, I lowered him down

over the edge of the precipice until the handkerchiefs were

stretched tight. He now proceeded to dig a deep hole in the

soapstone (as far in as eight or ten inches), sloping away the

rock above to the height of a foot, or thereabout, so as to allow

of his driving, with the butt of a pistol, a tolerably strong peg

into the levelled surface. I then drew him up for about four

feet, when he made a hole similar to the one below, driving in a

peg as before, and having thus a resting-place for both feet and

hands. I now unfastened the handkerchiefs from the bush, throwing

him the end, which he tied to the peg in the uppermost hole,

letting himself down gently to a station about three feet lower

than he had yet been that is, to the full extent of the

handkerchiefs. Here he dug another hole, and drove another peg.

He then drew himself up, so as to rest his feet in the hole just

cut, taking hold with his hands upon the peg in the one above. It

was now necessary to untie the handkerchiefs from the topmost

peg, with the view of fastening them to the second; and here he

found that an error had been committed in cutting the holes at so

great a distance apart. However, after one or two unsuccessful

and dangerous attempts at reaching the knot (having to hold on

with his left hand while he labored to undo the fastening with

his right), he at length cut the string, leaving six inches of it

affixed to the peg. Tying the handkerchiefs now to the second

peg, he descended to a station below the third, taking care not

to go too far down. By these means (means which I should never

have conceived of myself, and for which we were indebted

altogether to Peters’ ingenuity and resolution) my companion

finally succeeded, with the occasional aid of projections in the

cliff, in reaching the bottom without accident.

It was some time before I could summon sufficient resolution to

follow him; but I did at length attempt it. Peters had taken off

his shirt before descending, and this, with my own, formed the

rope necessary for the adventure. After throwing down the musket

found in the chasm, I fastened this rope to the bushes, and let

myself down rapidly, striving, by the vigor of my movements, to

banish the trepidation which I could overcome in no other manner.

This answered sufficiently well for the first four or five steps;

but presently I found my imagination growing terribly excited by

thoughts of the vast depths yet to be descended, and the

precarious nature of the pegs and soapstone holes which were my

only support. It was in vain I endeavored to banish these

reflections, and to keep my eyes steadily bent upon the flat

surface of the cliff before me. The more earnestly I struggled

_not to think,_the more intensely vivid became my conceptions,

and the more horribly distinct. At length arrived that crisis of

fancy, so fearful in all similar cases, the crisis in which we

began to anticipate the feelings with which we _shall_fall—to

picture to ourselves the sickness, and dizziness, and the last

struggle, and the half swoon, and the final bitterness of the

rushing and headlong descent. And now I found these fancies

creating their own realities, and all imagined horrors crowding

upon me in fact. I felt my knees strike violently together, while

my fingers were gradually but certainly relaxing their grasp.

There was a ringing in my ears, and I said, “This is my knell of

death!” And now I was consumed with the irrepressible desire of

looking below. I could not, I would not, confine my glances to

the cliff; and, with a wild, indefinable emotion, half of horror,

half of a relieved oppression, I threw my vision far down into

the abyss. For one moment my fingers clutched convulsively upon

their hold, while, with the movement, the faintest possible idea

of ultimate escape wandered, like a shadow, through my mind—in

the next my whole soul was pervaded with a longing to fall; a

desire, a yearning, a passion utterly uncontrollable. I let go at

once my grasp upon the peg, and, turning half round from the

precipice, remained tottering for an instant against its naked

face. But now there came a spinning of the brain; a

shrill-sounding and phantom voice screamed within my ears; a

dusky, fiendish, and filmy figure stood immediately beneath me;

and, sighing, I sunk down with a bursting heart, and plunged

within its arms.

I had swooned, and Peters had caught me as I fell. He had

observed my proceedings from his station at the bottom of the

cliff; and perceiving my imminent danger, had endeavored to

inspire me with courage by every suggestion he could devise;

although my confusion of mind had been so great as to prevent my

hearing what he said, or being conscious that he had even spoken

to me at all. At length, seeing me totter, he hastened to ascend

to my rescue, and arrived just in time for my preservation. Had I

fallen with my full weight, the rope of linen would inevitably

have snapped, and I should have been precipitated into the abyss;

as it was, he contrived to let me down gently, so as to remain

suspended without danger until animation returned. This was in

about fifteen minutes. On recovery, my trepidation had entirely

vanished; I felt a new being, and, with some little further aid

from my companion, reached the bottom also in safety.

We now found ourselves not far from the ravine which had proved

the tomb of our friends, and to the southward of the spot where

the hill had fallen. The place was one of singular wildness, and

its aspect brought to my mind the descriptions given by

travellers of those dreary regions marking the site of degraded

Babylon. Not to speak of the ruins of the disrupted cliff, which

formed a chaotic barrier in the vista to the northward, the

surface of the ground in every other direction was strewn with

huge tumuli, apparently the wreck of some gigantic structures of

art; although, in detail, no semblance of art could be detected.

Scoria were abundant, and large shapeless blocks of the black

granite, intermingled with others of marl, {*6} and both

granulated with metal. Of vegetation there were no traces

whatsoever throughout the whole of the desolate area within

sight. Several immense scorpions were seen, and various reptiles

not elsewhere to be found in the high latitudes. As food was our

most immediate object, we resolved to make our way to the

seacoast, distant not more than half a mile, with a view of

catching turtle, several of which we had observed from our place

of concealment on the hill. We had proceeded some hundred yards,

threading our route cautiously between the huge rocks and tumuli,

when, upon turning a corner, five savages sprung upon us from a

small cavern, felling Peters to the ground with a blow from a

club. As he fell the whole party rushed upon him to secure their

victim, leaving me time to recover from my astonishment. I still

had the musket, but the barrel had received so much injury in

being thrown from the precipice that I cast it aside as useless,

preferring to trust my pistols, which had been carefully

preserved in order. With these I advanced upon the assailants,

firing one after the other in quick succession. Two savages fell,

and one, who was in the act of thrusting a spear into Peters,

sprung to his feet without accomplishing his purpose. My

companion being thus released, we had no further difficulty. He

had his pistols also, but prudently declined using them,

confiding in his great personal strength, which far exceeded that

of any person I have ever known. Seizing a club from one of the

savages who had fallen, he dashed out the brains of the three who

remained, killing each instantaneously with a single blow of the

weapon, and leaving us completely masters of the field.

So rapidly had these events passed, that we could scarcely

believe in their reality, and were standing over the bodies of

the dead in a species of stupid contemplation, when we were

brought to recollection by the sound of shouts in the distance.

It was clear that the savages had been alarmed by the firing, and

that we had little chance of avoiding discovery. To regain the

cliff, it would be necessary to proceed in the direction of the

shouts, and even should we succeed in arriving at its base, we

should never be able to ascend it without being seen. Our

situation was one of the greatest peril, and we were hesitating

in which path to commence a flight, when one of the savages

_whom_I had shot, and supposed dead, sprang briskly to his feet,

and attempted to make his escape. We overtook _him,_however,

before he had advanced many paces, and were about to put him to

death, when Peters suggested that we might derive some benefit

from forcing him to accompany us in our attempt to escape. We

therefore dragged him with us, making him understand that we

would shoot him if he offered resistance. In a few minutes he was

perfectly submissive, and ran by our sides as we pushed in among

the rocks, making for the seashore.

So far, the irregularities of the ground we had been traversing

hid the sea, except at intervals, from our sight, and, when we

first had it fairly in view, it was perhaps two hundred yards

distant. As we emerged into the open beach we saw, to our great

dismay, an immense crowd of the natives pouring from the village,

and from all visible quarters of the island, making toward us

with gesticulations of extreme fury, and howling like wild

beasts. We were upon the point of turning upon our steps, and

trying to secure a retreat among the fastnesses of the rougher

ground, when I discovered the bows of two canoes projecting from

behind a large rock which ran out into the water. Toward these we

now ran with all speed, and, reaching them, found them unguarded,

and without any other freight than three of the large Gallipago

turtles and the usual supply of paddles for sixty rowers. We

instantly took possession of one of them, and, forcing our

captive on board, pushed out to sea with all the strength we

could command.

We had not made, however, more than fifty yards from the shore

before we became sufficiently calm to perceive the great

oversight of which we had been guilty in leaving the other canoe

in the power of the savages, who, by this time, were not more

than twice as far from the beach as ourselves, and were rapidly

advancing to the pursuit. No time was now to be lost. Our hope

was, at best, a forlorn one, but we had none other. It was very

doubtful whether, with the utmost exertion, we could get back in

time to anticipate them in taking possession of the canoe; but

yet there was a chance that we could. We might save ourselves if

we succeeded, while not to make the attempt was to resign

ourselves to inevitable butchery.

The canoe was modelled with the bow and stern alike, and, in

place of turning it around, we merely changed our position in

paddling. As soon as the savages perceived this they redoubled

their yells, as well as their speed, and approached with

inconceivable rapidity. We pulled, however, with all the energy

of desperation, and arrived at the contested point before more

than one of the natives had attained it. This man paid dearly for

his superior agility, Peters shooting him through the head with a

pistol as he approached the shore. The foremost among the rest of

his party were probably some twenty or thirty paces distant as we

seized upon the canoe. We at first endeavored to pull her into

the deep water, beyond the reach of the savages, but, finding her

too firmly aground, and there being no time to spare, Peters,

with one or two heavy strokes from the butt of the musket,

succeeded in dashing out a large portion of the bow and of one

side. We then pushed off. Two of the natives by this time had got

hold of our boat, obstinately refusing to let go, until we were

forced to despatch them with our knives. We were now clear off,

and making great way out to sea. The main body of the savages,

upon reaching the broken canoe, set up the most tremendous yell

of rage and disappointment conceivable. In truth, from everything

I could see of these wretches, they appeared to be the most

wicked, hypocritical, vindictive, bloodthirsty, and altogether

fiendish race of men upon the face of the globe. It is clear we

should have had no mercy had we fallen into their hands. They

made a mad attempt at following us in the fractured canoe, but,

finding it useless, again vented their rage in a series of

hideous vociferations, and rushed up into the hills.

We were thus relieved from immediate danger, but our situation

was still sufficiently gloomy. We knew that four canoes of the

kind we had were at one time in the possession of the savages,

and were not aware of the fact (afterward ascertained from our

captive) that two of these had been blown to pieces in the

explosion of the _Jane Guy._We calculated, therefore, upon being

yet pursued, as soon as our enemies could get round to the bay

(distant about three miles) where the boats were usually laid up.

Fearing this, we made every exertion to leave the island behind

us, and went rapidly through the water, forcing the prisoner to

take a paddle. In about half an hour, when we had gained probably

five or six miles to the southward, a large fleet of the

flat-bottomed canoes or rafts were seen to emerge from the bay

evidently with the design of pursuit. Presently they put back,

despairing to overtake us.

CHAPTER 25

We now found ourselves in the wide and desolate Antarctic Ocean,

in a latitude exceeding eighty-four degrees, in a frail canoe,

and with no provision but the three turtles. The long polar

winter, too, could not be considered as far distant, and it

became necessary that we should deliberate well upon the course

to be pursued. There were six or seven islands in sight belonging

to the same group, and distant from each other about five or six

leagues; but upon neither of these had we any intention to

venture. In coming from the northward in the _Jane Guy_ we had

been gradually leaving behind us the severest regions of

ice—this, however little it maybe in accordance with the

generally received notions respecting the Antarctic, was a

fact—experience would not permit us to deny. To attempt,

therefore, getting back would be folly—especially at so late a

period of the season. Only one course seemed to be left open for

hope. We resolved to steer boldly to the southward, where there

was at least a probability of discovering other lands, and more

than a probability of finding a still milder climate.

So far we had found the Antarctic, like the Arctic Ocean,

peculiarly free from violent storms or immoderately rough water;

but our canoe was, at best, of frail structure, although large,

and we set busily to work with a view of rendering her as safe as

the limited means in our possession would admit. The body of the

boat was of no better material than bark—the bark of a tree

unknown. The ribs were of a tough osier, well adapted to the

purpose for which it was used. We had fifty feet room from stem

to stern, from four to six in breadth, and in depth throughout

four feet and a half-the boats thus differing vastly in shape

from those of any other inhabitants of the Southern Ocean with

whom civilized nations are acquainted. We never did believe them

the workmanship of the ignorant islanders who owned them; and

some days after this period discovered, by questioning our

captive, that they were in fact made by the natives of a group to

the southwest of the country where we found them, having fallen

accidentally into the hands of our barbarians. What we could do

for the security of our boat was very little indeed. Several wide

rents were discovered near both ends, and these we contrived to

patch up with pieces of woollen jacket. With the help of the

superfluous paddles, of which there were a great many, we erected

a kind of framework about the bow, so as to break the force of

any seas which might threaten to fill us in that quarter. We also

set up two paddle-blades for masts, placing them opposite each

other, one by each gunwale, thus saving the necessity of a yard.

To these masts we attached a sail made of our shirts-doing this

with some difficulty, as here we could get no assistance from our

prisoner whatever, although he had been willing enough to labor

in all the other operations. The sight of the linen seemed to

affect him in a very singular manner. He could not be prevailed

upon to touch it or go near it, shuddering when we attempted to

force him, and shrieking out, _“Tekeli-li!”_

Having completed our arrangements in regard to the security of

the canoe, we now set sail to the south-southeast for the

present, with the view of weathering the most southerly of the

group in sight. This being done, we turned the bow full to the

southward. The weather could by no means be considered

disagreeable. We had a prevailing and very gentle wind from the

northward, a smooth sea, and continual daylight. No ice whatever

was to be seen; _nor did I ever see one particle of this after

leaving the parallel of Bennet’s Islet._Indeed, the temperature

of the water was here far too warm for its existence in any

quantity. Having killed the largest of our tortoises, and

obtained from him not only food but a copious supply of water, we

continued on our course, without any incident of moment, for

perhaps seven or eight days, during which period we must have

proceeded a vast distance to the southward, as the wind blew

constantly with us, and a very strong current set continually in

the direction we were pursuing.

_March 1st_. {*7}-Many unusual phenomena now—indicated that we

were entering upon a region of novelty and wonder. A high range

of light gray vapor appeared constantly in the southern horizon,

flaring up occasionally in lofty streaks, now darting from east

to west, now from west to east, and again presenting a level and

uniform summit—in short, having all the wild variations of the

Aurora Borealis. The average height of this vapor, as apparent

from our station, was about twenty-five degrees. The temperature

of the sea seemed to be increasing momentarily, and there was a

very perceptible alteration in its color.

_March 2d._-To-day by repeated questioning of our captive, we

came to the knowledge of many particulars in regard to the island

of the massacre, its inhabitants, and customs—but with these how

can I now detain the reader? I may say, however, that we learned

there were eight islands in the group—that they were governed by

a common king, named _Tsalemon_or _Psalemoun,_who resided in one

of the smallest of the islands; that the black skins forming the

dress of the warriors came from an animal of huge size to be

found only in a valley near the court of the king—that the

inhabitants of the group fabricated no other boats than the

flat-bottomed rafts; the four canoes being all of the kind in

their possession, and, these having been obtained, by mere

accident, from some large island in the southwest—that his own

name was Nu-Nu—that he had no knowledge of Bennet’s Islet—and

that the appellation of the island he had left was Tsalal. The

commencement of the words _Tsalemon_and Tsalal was given with a

prolonged hissing sound, which we found it impossible to imitate,

even after repeated endeavors, and which was precisely the same

with the note of the black bittern we had eaten up on the summit

of the hill.

_March 3d._-The heat of the water was now truly remarkable, and

in color was undergoing a rapid change, being no longer

transparent, but of a milky consistency and hue. In our immediate

vicinity it was usually smooth, never so rough as to endanger the

canoe—but we were frequently surprised at perceiving, to our

right and left, at different distances, sudden and extensive

agitations of the surface; these, we at length noticed, were

always preceded by wild flickerings in the region of vapor to the

southward.

_March 4th._-To-day, with the view of widening our sail, the

breeze from the northward dying away perceptibly, I took from my

coat-pocket a white handkerchief. Nu-Nu was seated at my elbow,

and the linen accidentally flaring in his face, he became

violently affected with convulsions. These were succeeded by

drowsiness and stupor, and low murmurings of _“‘Tekeli-li!

Tekeli-li!”_

_March_5th.-The wind had entirely ceased, but it was evident that

we were still hurrying on to the southward, under the influence

of a powerful current. And now,—indeed, it would seem reasonable

that we should experience some alarm at the turn events were

taking—but we felt none. The countenance of Peters indicated

nothing of this nature, although it wore at times an expression I

could not fathom. The polar winter appeared to be coming on—but

coming without its terrors. I felt a numbness of body and mind—a

dreaminess of sensation but this was all.

_March 6th._-The gray vapor had now arisen many more degrees

above the horizon, and was gradually losing its grayness of tint.

The heat of the water was extreme, even unpleasant to the touch,

and its milky hue was more evident than ever. Today a violent

agitation of the water occurred very close to the canoe. It was

attended, as usual, with a wild flaring up of the vapor at its

summit, and a momentary division at its base. A fine white

powder, resembling ashes—but certainly not such—fell over the

canoe and over a large surface of the water, as the flickering

died away among the vapor and the commotion subsided in the sea.

Nu-Nu now threw himself on his face in the bottom of the boat,

and no persuasions could induce him to arise.

_March 7th._-This day we questioned Nu-Nu concerning the motives

of his countrymen in destroying our companions; but he appeared

to be too utterly overcome by terror to afford us any rational

reply. He still obstinately lay in the bottom of the boat; and,

upon reiterating the questions as to the motive, made use only of

idiotic gesticulations, such as raising with his forefinger the

upper lip, and displaying the teeth which lay beneath it. These

were black. We had never before seen the teeth of an inhabitant

of Tsalal.

_March 8th._-To-day there floated by us one of the white animals

whose appearance upon the beach at Tsalal had occasioned so wild

a commotion among the savages. I would have picked it up, but

there came over me a sudden listlessness, and I forbore. The heat

of the water still increased, and the hand could no longer be

endured within it. Peters spoke little, and I knew not what to

think of his apathy. Nu-Nu breathed, and no more.

_March 9th._-The whole ashy material fell now continually around

us, and in vast quantities. The range of vapor to the southward

had arisen prodigiously in the horizon, and began to assume more

distinctness of form. I can liken it to nothing but a limitless

cataract, rolling silently into the sea from some immense and

far-distant rampart in the heaven. The gigantic curtain ranged

along the whole extent of the southern horizon. It emitted no

sound.

_March 21st._-A sullen darkness now hovered above us—but from out

the milky depths of the ocean a luminous glare arose, and stole

up along the bulwarks of the boat. We were nearly overwhelmed by

the white ashy shower which settled upon us and upon the canoe,

but melted into the water as it fell. The summit of the cataract

was utterly lost in the dimness and the distance. Yet we were

evidently approaching it with a hideous velocity. At intervals

there were visible in it wide, yawning, but momentary rents, and

from out these rents, within which was a chaos of flitting and

indistinct images, there came rushing and mighty, but soundless

winds, tearing up the enkindled ocean in their course.

_March 22d._-The darkness had materially increased, relieved only

by the glare of the water thrown back from the white curtain

before us. Many gigantic and pallidly white birds flew

continuously now from beyond the veil, and their scream was the

eternal _Tekeli-li!_as they retreated from our vision. Hereupon

Nu-Nu stirred in the bottom of the boat; but upon touching him we

found his spirit departed. And now we rushed into the embraces of

the cataract, where a chasm threw itself open to receive us. But

there arose in our pathway a shrouded human figure, very far

larger in its proportions than any dweller among men. And the hue

of the skin of the figure was of the perfect whiteness of the

snow.

NOTE

THE circumstances connected with the late sudden and distressing

death of Mr. Pym are already well known to the public through the

medium of the daily press. It is feared that the few remaining

chapters which were to have completed his narrative, and which

were retained by him, while the above were in type, for the

purpose of revision, have been irrecoverably lost through the

accident by which he perished himself. This, however, may prove

not to be the case, and the papers, if ultimately found, will be

given to the public.

No means have been left untried to remedy the deficiency. The

gentleman whose name is mentioned in the preface, and who, from

the statement there made, might be supposed able to fill the

vacuum, has declined the task—this, for satisfactory reasons

connected with the general inaccuracy of the details afforded

him, and his disbelief in the entire truth of the latter portions

of the narration. Peters, from whom some information might be

expected, is still alive, and a resident of Illinois, but cannot

be met with at present. He may hereafter be found, and will, no

doubt, afford material for a conclusion of Mr. Pym’s account.

The loss of two or three final chapters (for there were but two

or three) is the more deeply to be regretted, as it can not be

doubted they contained matter relative to the Pole itself, or at

least to regions in its very near proximity; and as, too, the

statements of the author in relation to these regions may shortly

be verified or contradicted by means of the governmental

expedition now preparing for the Southern Ocean.

On one point in the narrative some remarks may well be offered;

and it would afford the writer of this appendix much pleasure if

what he may here observe should have a tendency to throw credit,

in any degree, upon the very singular pages now published. We

allude to the chasms found in the island of Tsalal, and to the

whole of the figures upon pages 245-47 {of the printed

edition—ed.}.

(Note: No figures were included with this text)

Mr. Pym has given the figures of the chasms without comment, and

speaks decidedly of the _indentures_found at the extremity of the

most easterly of these chasms as having but a fanciful

resemblance to alphabetical characters, and, in short, as being

positively _not such. _This assertion is made in a manner so

simple, and sustained by a species of demonstration so conclusive

(viz., the fitting of the projections of the fragments found

among the dust into the indentures upon the wall), that we are

forced to believe the writer in earnest; and no reasonable reader

should suppose otherwise. But as the facts in relation to all the

figures are most singular (especially when taken in connection

with statements made in the body of the narrative), it may be as

well to say a word or two concerning them all—this, too, the more

especially as the facts in question have, beyond doubt, escaped

the attention of Mr. Poe.

Figure 1, then, figure 2, figure 3, and figure 5, when conjoined

with one another in the precise order which the chasms themselves

presented, and when deprived of the small lateral branches or

arches (which, it will be remembered, served only as a means of

communication between the main chambers, and were of totally

distinct character), constitute an Ethiopian verbal root—the root

“To be shady,’—whence all the inflections of shadow or darkness.

In regard to the “left or most northwardly” of the indentures in

figure 4, it is more than probable that the opinion of Peters was

correct, and that the hieroglyphical appearance was really the

work of art, and intended as the representation of a human form.

The delineation is before the reader, and he may, or may not,

perceive the resemblance suggested; but the rest of the

indentures afford strong confirmation of Peters’ idea. The upper

range is evidently the Arabic verbal root “To be white,” whence

all the inflections of brilliancy and whiteness. The lower range

is not so immediately perspicuous. The characters are somewhat

broken and disjointed; nevertheless, it can not be doubted that,

in their perfect state, they formed the full Egyptian word, “The

region of the south.” It should be observed that these

interpretations confirm the opinion of Peters in regard to the

“most northwardly” of the figures. The arm is outstretched toward

the south.

Conclusions such as these open a wide field for speculation and

exciting conjecture. They should be regarded, perhaps, in

connection with some of the most faintly detailed incidents of

the narrative; although in no visible manner is this chain of

connection complete. Tekeli-li! was the cry of the affrighted

natives of Tsalal upon discovering the carcase of the

_white_animal picked up at sea. This also was the shuddering

exclamatives of Tsalal upon discovering the carcass of the

_white_materials in possession of Mr. Pym. This also was the

shriek of the swift-flying, _white, _and gigantic birds which

issued from the vapory _white_curtain of the South. Nothing

_white_was to be found at Tsalal, and nothing otherwise in the

subsequent voyage to the region beyond. It is not impossible that

“Tsalal,” the appellation of the island of the chasms, may be

found, upon minute philological scrutiny, to betray either some

alliance with the chasms themselves, or some reference to the

Ethiopian characters so mysteriously written in their windings.

_“I have graven it within the hills, and my vengeance upon the

dust within the rock.”_

NOTES TO THE THIRD VOLUME

{*1} Whaling vessels are usually fitted with iron oil-tanks—why

the _Grampus_ was not I have never been able to ascertain.

{*2} The case of the brig _Polly_, of Boston, is one so much in

point, and her fate, in many respects, so remarkably similar to

our own, that I cannot forbear alluding to it here. This vessel,

of one hundred and thirty tons burden, sailed from Boston, with a

cargo of lumber and provisions, for Santa Croix, on the twelfth

of December, 1811, under the command of Captain Casneau. There

were eight souls on board besides the captain—the mate, four

seamen, and the cook, together with a Mr. Hunt, and a negro girl

belonging to him. On the fifteenth, having cleared the shoal of

Georges, she sprung a leak in a gale of wind from the southeast,

and was finally capsized; but, the masts going by the board, she

afterward righted. They remained in this situation, without fire,

and with very little provision, for the period of one hundred and

ninety-one days (from December the fifteenth to June the

twentieth), when Captain Casneau and Samuel Badger, the only

survivors, were taken off the wreck by the Fame, of Hull, Captain

Featherstone, bound home from Rio Janeiro. When picked up, they

were in latitude 28 degrees N., longitude 13 degrees W., having

drifted above two thousand miles! On the ninth of July the Fame

fell in with the brig Dromero, Captain Perkins, who landed the

two sufferers in Kennebeck. The narrative from which we gather

these details ends in the following words:

“It is natural to inquire how they could float such a vast

distance, upon the most frequented part of the Atlantic, and not

be discovered all this time. They were passed by more than a

dozen sail, one of which came so nigh them that they could

distinctly see the people on deck and on the rigging looking at

them; but, to the inexpressible disappointment of the starving

and freezing men, they stifled the dictates of compassion,

hoisted sail, and cruelly abandoned them to their fate.”

{*3} Among the vessels which at various times have professed to

meet with the Auroras may be mentioned the ship San Miguel, in

1769; the ship Aurora, in 1774; the brig Pearl, in 1779; and the

ship Dolores, in 1790. They all agree in giving the mean latitude

fifty-three degrees south.

{*4} The terms morning and evening, which I have made use of to

avoid confusion in my narrative, as far as possible, must not, of

course, be taken in their ordinary sense. For a long time past we

had had no night at all, the daylight being continual. The dates

throughout are according to nautical time, and the bearing must

be understood as per compass. I would also remark, in this place,

that I cannot, in the first portion of what is here written,

pretend to strict accuracy in respect to dates, or latitudes and

longitudes, having kept no regular journal until after the period

of which this first portion treats. In many instances I have

relied altogether upon memory.

{*5} This day was rendered remarkable by our observing in the

south several huge wreaths of the grayish vapour I have spoken

of.

{*6} The marl was also black; indeed, we noticed no light colored

substances of any kind upon the island.

{*7}For obvious reasons I cannot pretend to strict accuracy in

these dates. They are given principally with a view to perspicity

of narrative, and as set down in my pencil memorandum.

LIGEIA

And the will therein lieth, which dieth not. Who knoweth the

mysteries of the will, with its vigor? For God is but a great

will pervading all things by nature of its intentness. Man doth

not yield himself to the angels, nor unto death utterly, save

only through the weakness of his feeble will.—_Joseph Glanvill_.

I cannot, for my soul, remember how, when, or even precisely

where, I first became acquainted with the lady Ligeia. Long years

have since elapsed, and my memory is feeble through much

suffering. Or, perhaps, I cannot now bring these points to mind,

because, in truth, the character of my beloved, her rare

learning, her singular yet placid cast of beauty, and the

thrilling and enthralling eloquence of her low musical language,

made their way into my heart by paces so steadily and stealthily

progressive that they have been unnoticed and unknown. Yet I

believe that I met her first and most frequently in some large,

old, decaying city near the Rhine. Of her family—I have surely

heard her speak. That it is of a remotely ancient date cannot be

doubted. Ligeia! Ligeia! Buried in studies of a nature more than

all else adapted to deaden impressions of the outward world, it

is by that sweet word alone—by Ligeia—that I bring before mine

eyes in fancy the image of her who is no more. And now, while I

write, a recollection flashes upon me that I have never known the

paternal name of her who was my friend and my betrothed, and who

became the partner of my studies, and finally the wife of my

bosom. Was it a playful charge on the part of my Ligeia? or was

it a test of my strength of affection, that I should institute no

inquiries upon this point? or was it rather a caprice of my own—a

wildly romantic offering on the shrine of the most passionate

devotion? I but indistinctly recall the fact itself—what wonder

that I have utterly forgotten the circumstances which originated

or attended it? And, indeed, if ever that spirit which is

entitled _Romance_—if ever she, the wan and the misty-winged

_Ashtophet_ of idolatrous Egypt, presided, as they tell, over

marriages ill-omened, then most surely she presided over mine.

There is one dear topic, however, on which my memory fails me

not. It is the person of Ligeia. In stature she was tall,

somewhat slender, and, in her latter days, even emaciated. I

would in vain attempt to portray the majesty, the quiet ease, of

her demeanor, or the incomprehensible lightness and elasticity of

her footfall. She came and departed as a shadow. I was never made

aware of her entrance into my closed study save by the dear music

of her low sweet voice, as she placed her marble hand upon my

shoulder. In beauty of face no maiden ever equalled her. It was

the radiance of an opium-dream—an airy and spirit-lifting vision

more wildly divine than the phantasies which hovered about the

slumbering souls of the daughters of Delos. Yet her features were

not of that regular mould which we have been falsely taught to

worship in the classical labors of the heathen. “There is no

exquisite beauty,” says Bacon, Lord Verulam, speaking truly of

all the forms and genera of beauty, “without some strangeness in

the proportion.” Yet, although I saw that the features of Ligeia

were not of a classic regularity—although I perceived that her

loveliness was indeed “exquisite,” and felt that there was much

of “strangeness” pervading it, yet I have tried in vain to detect

the irregularity and to trace home my own perception of “the

strange.” I examined the contour of the lofty and pale

forehead—it was faultless—how cold indeed that word when applied

to a majesty so divine!—the skin rivalling the purest ivory, the

commanding extent and repose, the gentle prominence of the

regions above the temples; and then the raven-black, the glossy,

the luxuriant and naturally-curling tresses, setting forth the

full force of the Homeric epithet, “hyacinthine!” I looked at the

delicate outlines of the nose—and nowhere but in the graceful

medallions of the Hebrews had I beheld a similar perfection.

There were the same luxurious smoothness of surface, the same

scarcely perceptible tendency to the aquiline, the same

harmoniously curved nostrils speaking the free spirit. I regarded

the sweet mouth. Here was indeed the triumph of all things

heavenly—the magnificent turn of the short upper lip—the soft,

voluptuous slumber of the under—the dimples which sported, and

the color which spoke—the teeth glancing back, with a brilliancy

almost startling, every ray of the holy light which fell upon

them in her serene and placid, yet most exultingly radiant of all

smiles. I scrutinized the formation of the chin—and here, too, I

found the gentleness of breadth, the softness and the majesty,

the fullness and the spirituality, of the Greek—the contour which

the god Apollo revealed but in a dream, to Cleomenes, the son of

the Athenian. And then I peered into the large eyes of Ligeia.

For eyes we have no models in the remotely antique. It might have

been, too, that in these eyes of my beloved lay the secret to

which Lord Verulam alludes. They were, I must believe, far larger

than the ordinary eyes of our own race. They were even fuller

than the fullest of the gazelle eyes of the tribe of the valley

of Nourjahad. Yet it was only at intervals—in moments of intense

excitement—that this peculiarity became more than slightly

noticeable in Ligeia. And at such moments was her beauty—in my

heated fancy thus it appeared perhaps—the beauty of beings either

above or apart from the earth—the beauty of the fabulous Houri of

the Turk. The hue of the orbs was the most brilliant of black,

and, far over them, hung jetty lashes of great length. The brows,

slightly irregular in outline, had the same tint. The

“strangeness,” however, which I found in the eyes, was of a

nature distinct from the formation, or the color, or the

brilliancy of the features, and must, after all, be referred to

the expression. Ah, word of no meaning! behind whose vast

latitude of mere sound we intrench our ignorance of so much of

the spiritual. The expression of the eyes of Ligeia! How for long

hours have I pondered upon it! How have I, through the whole of a

midsummer night, struggled to fathom it! What was it—that

something more profound than the well of Democritus—which lay far

within the pupils of my beloved? What was it? I was possessed

with a passion to discover. Those eyes! those large, those

shining, those divine orbs! they became to me twin stars of Leda,

and I to them devoutest of astrologers.

There is no point, among the many incomprehensible anomalies of

the science of mind, more thrillingly exciting than the

fact—never, I believe, noticed in the schools—that, in our

endeavors to recall to memory something long forgotten, we often

find ourselves upon the very verge of remembrance, without being

able, in the end, to remember. And thus how frequently, in my

intense scrutiny of Ligeia’s eyes, have I felt approaching the

full knowledge of their expression—felt it approaching—yet not

quite be mine—and so at length entirely depart! And (strange, oh

strangest mystery of all!) I found, in the commonest objects of

the universe, a circle of analogies to that expression. I mean to

say that, subsequently to the period when Ligeia’s beauty passed

into my spirit, there dwelling as in a shrine, I derived, from

many existences in the material world, a sentiment such as I felt

always aroused within me by her large and luminous orbs. Yet not

the more could I define that sentiment, or analyze, or even

steadily view it. I recognized it, let me repeat, sometimes in

the survey of a rapidly-growing vine—in the contemplation of a

moth, a butterfly, a chrysalis, a stream of running water. I have

felt it in the ocean—in the falling of a meteor. I have felt it

in the glances of unusually aged people. And there are one or two

stars in heaven—(one especially, a star of the sixth magnitude,

double and changeable, to be found near the large star in Lyra)

in a telescopic scrutiny of which I have been made aware of the

feeling. I have been filled with it by certain sounds from

stringed instruments, and not unfrequently by passages from

books. Among innumerable other instances, I well remember

something in a volume of Joseph Glanvill, which (perhaps merely

from its quaintness—who shall say?) never failed to inspire me

with the sentiment: “And the will therein lieth, which dieth not.

Who knoweth the mysteries of the will, with its vigor? For God is

but a great will pervading all things by nature of its

intentness. Man doth not yield him to the angels, nor unto death

utterly, save only through the weakness of his feeble will.”

Length of years, and subsequent reflection, have enabled me to

trace, indeed, some remote connection between this passage in the

English moralist and a portion of the character of Ligeia. An

intensity in thought, action, or speech, was possibly, in her, a

result, or at least an index, of that gigantic volition which,

during our long intercourse, failed to give other and more

immediate evidence of its existence. Of all the women whom I have

ever known, she, the outwardly calm, the ever-placid Ligeia, was

the most violently a prey to the tumultuous vultures of stern

passion. And of such passion I could form no estimate, save by

the miraculous expansion of those eyes which at once so delighted

and appalled me—by the almost magical melody, modulation,

distinctness and placidity of her very low voice—and by the

fierce energy (rendered doubly effective by contrast with her

manner of utterance) of the wild words which she habitually

uttered.

I have spoken of the learning of Ligeia: it was immense—such as I

have never known in woman. In the classical tongues was she

deeply proficient, and as far as my own acquaintance extended in

regard to the modern dialects of Europe, I have never known her

at fault. Indeed upon any theme of the most admired, because

simply the most abstruse of the boasted erudition of the academy,

have I ever found Ligeia at fault? How singularly—how

thrillingly, this one point in the nature of my wife has forced

itself, at this late period only, upon my attention! I said her

knowledge was such as I have never known in woman—but where

breathes the man who has traversed, and successfully, all the

wide areas of moral, physical, and mathematical science? I saw

not then what I now clearly perceive, that the acquisitions of

Ligeia were gigantic, were astounding; yet I was sufficiently

aware of her infinite supremacy to resign myself, with a

child-like confidence, to her guidance through the chaotic world

of metaphysical investigation at which I was most busily occupied

during the earlier years of our marriage. With how vast a

triumph—with how vivid a delight—with how much of all that is

ethereal in hope did I feel, as she bent over me in studies but

little sought—but less known—that delicious vista by slow degrees

expanding before me, down whose long, gorgeous, and all untrodden

path, I might at length pass onward to the goal of a wisdom too

divinely precious not to be forbidden!

How poignant, then, must have been the grief with which, after

some years, I beheld my well-grounded expectations take wings to

themselves and fly away! Without Ligeia I was but as a child

groping benighted. Her presence, her readings alone, rendered

vividly luminous the many mysteries of the transcendentalism in

which we were immersed. Wanting the radiant lustre of her eyes,

letters, lambent and golden, grew duller than Saturnian lead. And

now those eyes shone less and less frequently upon the pages over

which I pored. Ligeia grew ill. The wild eyes blazed with a

too—too glorious effulgence; the pale fingers became of the

transparent waxen hue of the grave; and the blue veins upon the

lofty forehead swelled and sank impetuously with the tides of the

gentle emotion. I saw that she must die—and I struggled

desperately in spirit with the grim Azrael. And the struggles of

the passionate wife were, to my astonishment, even more energetic

than my own. There had been much in her stern nature to impress

me with the belief that, to her, death would have come without

its terrors; but not so. Words are impotent to convey any just

idea of the fierceness of resistance with which she wrestled with

the Shadow. I groaned in anguish at the pitiable spectacle. I

would have soothed—I would have reasoned; but, in the intensity

of her wild desire for life,—for life—but for life—solace and

reason were the uttermost folly. Yet not until the last instance,

amid the most convulsive writhings of her fierce spirit, was

shaken the external placidity of her demeanor. Her voice grew

more gentle—grew more low—yet I would not wish to dwell upon the

wild meaning of the quietly uttered words. My brain reeled as I

hearkened, entranced, to a melody more than mortal—to assumptions

and aspirations which mortality had never before known.

That she loved me I should not have doubted; and I might have

been easily aware that, in a bosom such as hers, love would have

reigned no ordinary passion. But in death only, was I fully

impressed with the strength of her affection. For long hours,

detaining my hand, would she pour out before me the overflowing

of a heart whose more than passionate devotion amounted to

idolatry. How had I deserved to be so blessed by such

confessions?—how had I deserved to be so cursed with the removal

of my beloved in the hour of her making them? But upon this

subject I cannot bear to dilate. Let me say only, that in

Ligeia’s more than womanly abandonment to a love, alas! all

unmerited, all unworthily bestowed, I at length recognized the

principle of her longing with so wildly earnest a desire for the

life which was now fleeing so rapidly away. It is this wild

longing—it is this eager vehemence of desire for life—but for

life—that I have no power to portray—no utterance capable of

expressing.

At high noon of the night in which she departed, beckoning me,

peremptorily, to her side, she bade me repeat certain verses

composed by herself not many days before. I obeyed her. They were

these:

Lo! ’tis a gala night

Within the lonesome latter years!

An angel throng, bewinged, bedight

In veils, and drowned in tears,

Sit in a theatre, to see

A play of hopes and fears,

While the orchestra breathes fitfully

The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,

Mutter and mumble low,

And hither and thither fly;

Mere puppets they, who come and go

At bidding of vast formless things

That shift the scenery to and fro,

Flapping from out their Condor wings

Invisible Wo!

That motley drama!—oh, be sure

It shall not be forgot!

With its Phantom chased forever more,

By a crowd that seize it not,

Through a circle that ever returneth in

To the self-same spot,

And much of Madness and more of Sin

And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout,

A crawling shape intrude!

A blood-red thing that writhes from out

The scenic solitude!

It writhes!—it writhes!—with mortal pangs

The mimes become its food,

And the seraphs sob at vermin fangs

In human gore imbued.

Out—out are the lights—out all!

And over each quivering form,

The curtain, a funeral pall,

Comes down with the rush of a storm,

And the angels, all pallid and wan,

Uprising, unveiling, affirm

That the play is the tragedy, “Man,”

And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

“O God!” half shrieked Ligeia, leaping to her feet and extending

her arms aloft with a spasmodic movement, as I made an end of

these lines—“O God! O Divine Father!—shall these things be

undeviatingly so?—shall this Conqueror be not once conquered? Are

we not part and parcel in Thee? Who—who knoweth the mysteries of

the will with its vigor? Man doth not yield him to the angels,

nor unto death utterly, save only through the weakness of his

feeble will.”

And now, as if exhausted with emotion, she suffered her white

arms to fall, and returned solemnly to her bed of death. And as

she breathed her last sighs, there came mingled with them a low

murmur from her lips. I bent to them my ear and distinguished,

again, the concluding words of the passage in Glanvill—“Man doth

not yield him to the angels, nor unto death utterly, save only

through the weakness of his feeble will.”

She died: and I, crushed into the very dust with sorrow, could no

longer endure the lonely desolation of my dwelling in the dim and

decaying city by the Rhine. I had no lack of what the world calls

wealth. Ligeia had brought me far more, very far more than

ordinarily falls to the lot of mortals. After a few months,

therefore, of weary and aimless wandering, I purchased, and put

in some repair, an abbey, which I shall not name, in one of the

wildest and least frequented portions of fair England. The gloomy

and dreary grandeur of the building, the almost savage aspect of

the domain, the many melancholy and time-honored memories

connected with both, had much in unison with the feelings of

utter abandonment which had driven me into that remote and

unsocial region of the country. Yet although the external abbey,

with its verdant decay hanging about it, suffered but little

alteration, I gave way, with a child-like perversity, and

perchance with a faint hope of alleviating my sorrows, to a

display of more than regal magnificence within. For such follies,

even in childhood, I had imbibed a taste and now they came back

to me as if in the dotage of grief. Alas, I feel how much even of

incipient madness might have been discovered in the gorgeous and

fantastic draperies, in the solemn carvings of Egypt, in the wild

cornices and furniture, in the Bedlam patterns of the carpets of

tufted gold! I had become a bounden slave in the trammels of

opium, and my labors and my orders had taken a coloring from my

dreams. But these absurdities I must not pause to detail. Let me

speak only of that one chamber, ever accursed, whither in a

moment of mental alienation, I led from the altar as my bride—as

the successor of the unforgotten Ligeia—the fair-haired and

blue-eyed Lady Rowena Trevanion, of Tremaine.

There is no individual portion of the architecture and decoration

of that bridal chamber which is not now visibly before me. Where

were the souls of the haughty family of the bride, when, through

thirst of gold, they permitted to pass the threshold of an

apartment so bedecked, a maiden and a daughter so beloved? I have

said that I minutely remember the details of the chamber—yet I am

sadly forgetful on topics of deep moment—and here there was no

system, no keeping, in the fantastic display, to take hold upon

the memory. The room lay in a high turret of the castellated

abbey, was pentagonal in shape, and of capacious size. Occupying

the whole southern face of the pentagon was the sole window—an

immense sheet of unbroken glass from Venice—a single pane, and

tinted of a leaden hue, so that the rays of either the sun or

moon, passing through it, fell with a ghastly lustre on the

objects within. Over the upper portion of this huge window,

extended the trellice-work of an aged vine, which clambered up

the massy walls of the turret. The ceiling, of gloomy-looking

oak, was excessively lofty, vaulted, and elaborately fretted with

the wildest and most grotesque specimens of a semi-Gothic,

semi-Druidical device. From out the most central recess of this

melancholy vaulting, depended, by a single chain of gold with

long links, a huge censer of the same metal, Saracenic in

pattern, and with many perforations so contrived that there

writhed in and out of them, as if endued with a serpent vitality,

a continual succession of parti-colored fires.

Some few ottomans and golden candelabra, of Eastern figure, were

in various stations about—and there was the couch, too—bridal

couch—of an Indian model, and low, and sculptured of solid ebony,

with a pall-like canopy above. In each of the angles of the

chamber stood on end a gigantic sarcophagus of black granite,

from the tombs of the kings over against Luxor, with their aged

lids full of immemorial sculpture. But in the draping of the

apartment lay, alas! the chief phantasy of all. The lofty walls,

gigantic in height—even unproportionably so—were hung from summit

to foot, in vast folds, with a heavy and massive-looking

tapestry—tapestry of a material which was found alike as a carpet

on the floor, as a covering for the ottomans and the ebony bed,

as a canopy for the bed, and as the gorgeous volutes of the

curtains which partially shaded the window. The material was the

richest cloth of gold. It was spotted all over, at irregular

intervals, with arabesque figures, about a foot in diameter, and

wrought upon the cloth in patterns of the most jetty black. But

these figures partook of the true character of the arabesque only

when regarded from a single point of view. By a contrivance now

common, and indeed traceable to a very remote period of

antiquity, they were made changeable in aspect. To one entering

the room, they bore the appearance of simple monstrosities; but

upon a farther advance, this appearance gradually departed; and

step by step, as the visitor moved his station in the chamber, he

saw himself surrounded by an endless succession of the ghastly

forms which belong to the superstition of the Norman, or arise in

the guilty slumbers of the monk. The phantasmagoric effect was

vastly heightened by the artificial introduction of a strong

continual current of wind behind the draperies—giving a hideous

and uneasy animation to the whole.

In halls such as these—in a bridal chamber such as this—I passed,

with the Lady of Tremaine, the unhallowed hours of the first

month of our marriage—passed them with but little disquietude.

That my wife dreaded the fierce moodiness of my temper—that she

shunned me and loved me but little—I could not help perceiving;

but it gave me rather pleasure than otherwise. I loathed her with

a hatred belonging more to demon than to man. My memory flew

back, (oh, with what intensity of regret!) to Ligeia, the

beloved, the august, the beautiful, the entombed. I revelled in

recollections of her purity, of her wisdom, of her lofty, her

ethereal nature, of her passionate, her idolatrous love. Now,

then, did my spirit fully and freely burn with more than all the

fires of her own. In the excitement of my opium dreams (for I was

habitually fettered in the shackles of the drug) I would call

aloud upon her name, during the silence of the night, or among

the sheltered recesses of the glens by day, as if, through the

wild eagerness, the solemn passion, the consuming ardor of my

longing for the departed, I could restore her to the pathway she

had abandoned—ah, could it be forever?—upon the earth.

About the commencement of the second month of the marriage, the

Lady Rowena was attacked with sudden illness, from which her

recovery was slow. The fever which consumed her rendered her

nights uneasy; and in her perturbed state of half-slumber, she

spoke of sounds, and of motions, in and about the chamber of the

turret, which I concluded had no origin save in the distemper of

her fancy, or perhaps in the phantasmagoric influences of the

chamber itself. She became at length convalescent—finally well.

Yet but a brief period elapsed, ere a second more violent

disorder again threw her upon a bed of suffering; and from this

attack her frame, at all times feeble, never altogether

recovered. Her illnesses were, after this epoch, of alarming

character, and of more alarming recurrence, defying alike the

knowledge and the great exertions of her physicians. With the

increase of the chronic disease which had thus, apparently, taken

too sure hold upon her constitution to be eradicated by human

means, I could not fail to observe a similar increase in the

nervous irritation of her temperament, and in her excitability by

trivial causes of fear. She spoke again, and now more frequently

and pertinaciously, of the sounds—of the slight sounds—and of the

unusual motions among the tapestries, to which she had formerly

alluded.

One night, near the closing in of September, she pressed this

distressing subject with more than usual emphasis upon my

attention. She had just awakened from an unquiet slumber, and I

had been watching, with feelings half of anxiety, half of vague

terror, the workings of her emaciated countenance. I sat by the

side of her ebony bed, upon one of the ottomans of India. She

partly arose, and spoke, in an earnest low whisper, of sounds

which she then heard, but which I could not hear—of motions which

she then saw, but which I could not perceive. The wind was

rushing hurriedly behind the tapestries, and I wished to show her

(what, let me confess it, I could not all believe) that those

almost inarticulate breathings, and those very gentle variations

of the figures upon the wall, were but the natural effects of

that customary rushing of the wind. But a deadly pallor,

overspreading her face, had proved to me that my exertions to

reassure her would be fruitless. She appeared to be fainting, and

no attendants were within call. I remembered where was deposited

a decanter of light wine which had been ordered by her

physicians, and hastened across the chamber to procure it. But,

as I stepped beneath the light of the censer, two circumstances

of a startling nature attracted my attention. I had felt that

some palpable although invisible object had passed lightly by my

person; and I saw that there lay upon the golden carpet, in the

very middle of the rich lustre thrown from the censer, a shadow—a

faint, indefinite shadow of angelic aspect—such as might be

fancied for the shadow of a shade. But I was wild with the

excitement of an immoderate dose of opium, and heeded these

things but little, nor spoke of them to Rowena. Having found the

wine, I recrossed the chamber, and poured out a gobletful, which

I held to the lips of the fainting lady. She had now partially

recovered, however, and took the vessel herself, while I sank

upon an ottoman near me, with my eyes fastened upon her person.

It was then that I became distinctly aware of a gentle footfall

upon the carpet, and near the couch; and in a second thereafter,

as Rowena was in the act of raising the wine to her lips, I saw,

or may have dreamed that I saw, fall within the goblet, as if

from some invisible spring in the atmosphere of the room, three

or four large drops of a brilliant and ruby colored fluid. If

this I saw—not so Rowena. She swallowed the wine unhesitatingly,

and I forbore to speak to her of a circumstance which must, after

all, I considered, have been but the suggestion of a vivid

imagination, rendered morbidly active by the terror of the lady,

by the opium, and by the hour.

Yet I cannot conceal it from my own perception that, immediately

subsequent to the fall of the ruby-drops, a rapid change for the

worse took place in the disorder of my wife; so that, on the

third subsequent night, the hands of her menials prepared her for

the tomb, and on the fourth, I sat alone, with her shrouded body,

in that fantastic chamber which had received her as my bride.

Wild visions, opium-engendered, flitted, shadow-like, before me.

I gazed with unquiet eye upon the sarcophagi in the angles of the

room, upon the varying figures of the drapery, and upon the

writhing of the parti-colored fires in the censer overhead. My

eyes then fell, as I called to mind the circumstances of a former

night, to the spot beneath the glare of the censer where I had

seen the faint traces of the shadow. It was there, however, no

longer; and breathing with greater freedom, I turned my glances

to the pallid and rigid figure upon the bed. Then rushed upon me

a thousand memories of Ligeia—and then came back upon my heart,

with the turbulent violence of a flood, the whole of that

unutterable woe with which I had regarded her thus enshrouded.

The night waned; and still, with a bosom full of bitter thoughts

of the one only and supremely beloved, I remained gazing upon the

body of Rowena.

It might have been midnight, or perhaps earlier, or later, for I

had taken no note of time, when a sob, low, gentle, but very

distinct, startled me from my revery. I _felt_ that it came from

the bed of ebony—the bed of death. I listened in an agony of

superstitious terror—but there was no repetition of the sound. I

strained my vision to detect any motion in the corpse—but there

was not the slightest perceptible. Yet I could not have been

deceived. I had heard the noise, however faint, and my soul was

awakened within me. I resolutely and perseveringly kept my

attention riveted upon the body. Many minutes elapsed before any

circumstance occurred tending to throw light upon the mystery. At

length it became evident that a slight, a very feeble, and barely

noticeable tinge of color had flushed up within the cheeks, and

along the sunken small veins of the eyelids. Through a species of

unutterable horror and awe, for which the language of mortality

has no sufficiently energetic expression, I felt my heart cease

to beat, my limbs grow rigid where I sat. Yet a sense of duty

finally operated to restore my self-possession. I could no longer

doubt that we had been precipitate in our preparations—that

Rowena still lived. It was necessary that some immediate exertion

be made; yet the turret was altogether apart from the portion of

the abbey tenanted by the servants—there were none within call—I

had no means of summoning them to my aid without leaving the room

for many minutes—and this I could not venture to do. I therefore

struggled alone in my endeavors to call back the spirit ill

hovering. In a short period it was certain, however, that a

relapse had taken place; the color disappeared from both eyelid

and cheek, leaving a wanness even more than that of marble; the

lips became doubly shrivelled and pinched up in the ghastly

expression of death; a repulsive clamminess and coldness

overspread rapidly the surface of the body; and all the usual

rigorous illness immediately supervened. I fell back with a

shudder upon the couch from which I had been so startlingly

aroused, and again gave myself up to passionate waking visions of

Ligeia.

An hour thus elapsed when (could it be possible?) I was a second

time aware of some vague sound issuing from the region of the

bed. I listened—in extremity of horror. The sound came again—it

was a sigh. Rushing to the corpse, I saw—distinctly saw—a tremor

upon the lips. In a minute afterward they relaxed, disclosing a

bright line of the pearly teeth. Amazement now struggled in my

bosom with the profound awe which had hitherto reigned there

alone. I felt that my vision grew dim, that my reason wandered;

and it was only by a violent effort that I at length succeeded in

nerving myself to the task which duty thus once more had pointed

out. There was now a partial glow upon the forehead and upon the

cheek and throat; a perceptible warmth pervaded the whole frame;

there was even a slight pulsation at the heart. The lady lived;

and with redoubled ardor I betook myself to the task of

restoration. I chafed and bathed the temples and the hands, and

used every exertion which experience, and no little medical

reading, could suggest. But in vain. Suddenly, the color fled,

the pulsation ceased, the lips resumed the expression of the

dead, and, in an instant afterward, the whole body took upon

itself the icy chilliness, the livid hue, the intense rigidity,

the sunken outline, and all the loathsome peculiarities of that

which has been, for many days, a tenant of the tomb.

And again I sunk into visions of Ligeia—and again, (what marvel

that I shudder while I write?), again there reached my ears a low

sob from the region of the ebony bed. But why shall I minutely

detail the unspeakable horrors of that night? Why shall I pause

to relate how, time after time, until near the period of the gray

dawn, this hideous drama of revivification was repeated; how each

terrific relapse was only into a sterner and apparently more

irredeemable death; how each agony wore the aspect of a struggle

with some invisible foe; and how each struggle was succeeded by I

know not what of wild change in the personal appearance of the

corpse? Let me hurry to a conclusion.

The greater part of the fearful night had worn away, and she who

had been dead, once again stirred—and now more vigorously than

hitherto, although arousing from a dissolution more appalling in

its utter hopelessness than any. I had long ceased to struggle or

to move, and remained sitting rigidly upon the ottoman, a

helpless prey to a whirl of violent emotions, of which extreme

awe was perhaps the least terrible, the least consuming. The

corpse, I repeat, stirred, and now more vigorously than before.

The hues of life flushed up with unwonted energy into the

countenance—the limbs relaxed—and, save that the eyelids were yet

pressed heavily together, and that the bandages and draperies of

the grave still imparted their charnel character to the figure, I

might have dreamed that Rowena had indeed shaken off, utterly,

the fetters of Death. But if this idea was not, even then,

altogether adopted, I could at least doubt no longer, when,

arising from the bed, tottering, with feeble steps, with closed

eyes, and with the manner of one bewildered in a dream, the thing

that was enshrouded advanced boldly and palpably into the middle

of the apartment.

I trembled not—I stirred not—for a crowd of unutterable fancies

connected with the air, the stature, the demeanor of the figure,

rushing hurriedly through my brain, had paralyzed—had chilled me

into stone. I stirred not—but gazed upon the apparition. There

was a mad disorder in my thoughts—a tumult unappeasable. Could

it, indeed, be the living Rowena who confronted me? Could it

indeed be Rowena at all—the fair-haired, the blue-eyed Lady

Rowena Trevanion of Tremaine? Why, why should I doubt it? The

bandage lay heavily about the mouth—but then might it not be the

mouth of the breathing Lady of Tremaine? And the cheeks—there

were the roses as in her noon of life—yes, these might indeed be

the fair cheeks of the living Lady of Tremaine. And the chin,

with its dimples, as in health, might it not be hers?—but had she

then grown taller since her malady? What inexpressible madness

seized me with that thought? One bound, and I had reached her

feet! Shrinking from my touch, she let fall from her head,

unloosened, the ghastly cerements which had confined it, and

there streamed forth, into the rushing atmosphere of the chamber,

huge masses of long and dishevelled hair; _it was blacker than

the raven wings of the midnight!_ And now slowly opened the eyes

of the figure which stood before me. “Here then, at least,” I

shrieked aloud, “can I never—can I never be mistaken—these are

the full, and the black, and the wild eyes—of my lost love—of the

Lady—of the LADY LIGEIA.”

MORELLA

Itself, by itself, solely, one everlasting, and single.

—PLATO—_Sympos_.

With a feeling of deep yet most singular affection I regarded my

friend Morella. Thrown by accident into her society many years

ago, my soul from our first meeting, burned with fires it had

never before known; but the fires were not of Eros, and bitter

and tormenting to my spirit was the gradual conviction that I

could in no manner define their unusual meaning or regulate their

vague intensity. Yet we met; and fate bound us together at the

altar; and I never spoke of passion nor thought of love. She,

however, shunned society, and, attaching herself to me alone

rendered me happy. It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness

to dream.

Morella’s erudition was profound. As I hope to live, her talents

were of no common order—her powers of mind were gigantic. I felt

this, and, in many matters, became her pupil. I soon, however,

found that, perhaps on account of her Presburg education, she

placed before me a number of those mystical writings which are

usually considered the mere dross of the early German literature.

These, for what reason I could not imagine, were her favourite

and constant study—and that in process of time they became my

own, should be attributed to the simple but effectual influence

of habit and example.

In all this, if I err not, my reason had little to do. My

convictions, or I forget myself, were in no manner acted upon by

the ideal, nor was any tincture of the mysticism which I read to

be discovered, unless I am greatly mistaken, either in my deeds

or in my thoughts. Persuaded of this, I abandoned myself

implicitly to the guidance of my wife, and entered with an

unflinching heart into the intricacies of her studies. And

then—then, when, poring over forbidden pages, I felt a forbidden

spirit enkindling within me—would Morella place her cold hand

upon my own, and rake up from the ashes of a dead philosophy some

low, singular words, whose strange meaning burned themselves in

upon my memory. And then, hour after hour, would I linger by her

side, and dwell upon the music of her voice, until at length its

melody was tainted with terror, and there fell a shadow upon my

soul, and I grew pale, and shuddered inwardly at those too

unearthly tones. And thus, joy suddenly faded into horror, and

the most beautiful became the most hideous, as Hinnon became

Ge-Henna.

It is unnecessary to state the exact character of those

disquisitions which, growing out of the volumes I have mentioned,

formed, for so long a time, almost the sole conversation of

Morella and myself. By the learned in what might be termed

theological morality they will be readily conceived, and by the

unlearned they would, at all events, be little understood. The

wild Pantheism of Fichte; the modified Paliggenedia of the

Pythagoreans; and, above all, the doctrines of Identity as urged

by Schelling, were generally the points of discussion presenting

the most of beauty to the imaginative Morella. That identity

which is termed personal, Mr. Locke, I think, truly defines to

consist in the saneness of rational being. And since by person we

understand an intelligent essence having reason, and since there

is a consciousness which always accompanies thinking, it is this

which makes us all to be that which we call _ourselves_—thereby

distinguishing us from other beings that think, and giving us our

personal identity. But the _principium indivduationis_, the

notion of that identity _which at death is or is not lost

forever_—was to me, at all times, a consideration of intense

interest; not more from the perplexing and exciting nature of its

consequences, than from the marked and agitated manner in which

Morella mentioned them.

But, indeed, the time had now arrived when the mystery of my

wife’s manner oppressed me as a spell. I could no longer bear the

touch of her wan fingers, nor the low tone of her musical

language, nor the lustre of her melancholy eyes. And she knew all

this, but did not upbraid; she seemed conscious of my weakness or

my folly, and, smiling, called it Fate. She seemed, also,

conscious of a cause, to me unknown, for the gradual alienation

of my regard; but she gave me no hint or token of its nature. Yet

was she woman, and pined away daily. In time the crimson spot

settled steadily upon the cheek, and the blue veins upon the pale

forehead became prominent; and one instant my nature melted into

pity, but in, next I met the glance of her meaning eyes, and then

my soul sickened and became giddy with the giddiness of one who

gazes downward into some dreary and unfathomable abyss.

Shall I then say that I longed with an earnest and consuming

desire for the moment of Morella’s decease? I did; but the

fragile spirit clung to its tenement of clay for many days—for

many weeks and irksome months, until my tortured nerves obtained

the mastery over my mind, and I grew furious through delay, and,

with the heart of a fiend, cursed the days and the hours and the

bitter moments, which seemed to lengthen and lengthen as her

gentle life declined—like shadows in the dying of the day.

But one autumnal evening, when the winds lay still in heaven,

Morella called me to her bedside. There was a dim mist over all

the earth, and a warm glow upon the waters, and amid the rich

October leaves of the forest, a rainbow from the firmament had

surely fallen.

“It is a day of days,” she said, as I approached; “a day of all

days either to live or die. It is a fair day for the sons of

earth and life—ah, more fair for the daughters of heaven and

death!”

I kissed her forehead, and she continued:

“I am dying, yet shall I live.”

“Morella!”

“The days have never been when thou couldst love me—but her whom

in life thou didst abhor, in death thou shalt adore.”

“Morella!”

“I repeat that I am dying. But within me is a pledge of that

affection—ah, how little!—which thou didst feel for me, Morella.

And when my spirit departs shall the child live—thy child and

mine, Morella’s. But thy days shall be days of sorrow—that sorrow

which is the most lasting of impressions, as the cypress is the

most enduring of trees. For the hours of thy happiness are over

and joy is not gathered twice in a life, as the roses of Paestum

twice in a year. Thou shalt no longer, then, play the Teian with

time, but, being ignorant of the myrtle and the vine, thou shalt

bear about with thee thy shroud on the earth, as do the Moslemin

at Mecca.”

“Morella!” I cried, “Morella! how knowest thou this?” but she

turned away her face upon the pillow and a slight tremor coming

over her limbs, she thus died, and I heard her voice no more.

Yet, as she had foretold, her child, to which in dying she had

given birth, which breathed not until the mother breathed no

more, her child, a daughter, lived. And she grew strangely in

stature and intellect, and was the perfect resemblance of her who

had departed, and I loved her with a love more fervent than I had

believed it possible to feel for any denizen of earth.

But, ere long the heaven of this pure affection became darkened,

and gloom, and horror, and grief swept over it in clouds. I said

the child grew strangely in stature and intelligence. Strange,

indeed, was her rapid increase in bodily size—but terrible, oh!

terrible were the tumultuous thoughts which crowded upon me while

watching the development of her mental being. Could it be

otherwise, when I daily discovered in the conceptions of the

child the adult powers and faculties of the woman?—when the

lessons of experience fell from the lips of infancy? and when the

wisdom or the passions of maturity I found hourly gleaming from

its full and speculative eye? When, I say, all this became

evident to my appalled senses—when I could no longer hide it from

my soul, nor throw it off from those perceptions which trembled

to receive it—is it to be wondered at that suspicions, of a

nature fearful and exciting, crept in upon my spirit, or that my

thoughts fell back aghast upon the wild tales and thrilling

theories of the entombed Morella? I snatched from the scrutiny of

the world a being whom destiny compelled me to adore, and in the

rigorous seclusion of my home, watched with an agonizing anxiety

over all which concerned the beloved.

And as years rolled away, and I gazed day after day upon her

holy, and mild, and eloquent face, and poured over her maturing

form, day after day did I discover new points of resemblance in

the child to her mother, the melancholy and the dead. And hourly

grew darker these shadows of similitude, and more full, and more

definite, and more perplexing, and more hideously terrible in

their aspect. For that her smile was like her mother’s I could

bear; but then I shuddered at its too perfect _identity_—that her

eyes were like Morella’s I could endure; but then they, too,

often looked down into the depths of my soul with Morella’s own

intense and bewildering meaning. And in the contour of the high

forehead, and in the ringlets of the silken hair, and in the wan

fingers which buried themselves therein, and in the sad musical

tones of her speech, and above all—oh! above all—in the phrases

and expressions of the dead on the lips of the loved and the

living, I found food for consuming thought and horror—for a worm

that _would_ not die.

Thus passed away two lustra of her life, and as yet my daughter

remained nameless upon the earth. “My child,” and “my love,” were

the designations usually prompted by a father’s affection, and

the rigid seclusion of her days precluded all other intercourse.

Morella’s name died with her at her death. Of the mother I had

never spoken to the daughter;—it was impossible to speak. Indeed,

during the brief period of her existence, the latter had received

no impressions from the outward world, save such as might have

been afforded by the narrow limits of her privacy. But at length

the ceremony of baptism presented to my mind, in its unnerved and

agitated condition, a present deliverance from the terrors of my

destiny. And at the baptismal font I hesitated for a name. And

many titles of the wise and beautiful, of old and modern times,

of my own and foreign lands, came thronging to my lips, with

many, many fair titles of the gentle, and the happy, and the

good. What prompted me then to disturb the memory of the buried

dead? What demon urged me to breathe that sound, which in its

very recollection was wont to make ebb the purple blood in

torrents from the temples to the heart? What fiend spoke from the

recesses of my soul, when amid those dim aisles, and in the

silence of the night, I whispered within the ears of the holy man

the syllables—Morella? What more than fiend convulsed the

features of my child, and overspread them with hues of death, as

starting at that scarcely audible sound, she turned her glassy

eyes from the earth to heaven, and falling prostrate on the black

slabs of our ancestral vault, responded—“I am here!”

Distinct, coldly, calmly distinct, fell those few simple sounds

within my ear, and thence like molten lead rolled hissingly into

my brain. Years—years may pass away, but the memory of that

epoch—never! Nor was I indeed ignorant of the flowers and the

vine—but the hemlock and the cypress overshadowed me night and

day. And I kept no reckoning of time or place, and the stars of

my fate faded from heaven, and therefore the earth grew dark, and

its figures passed by me like flitting shadows, and among them

all I beheld only—Morella. The winds of the firmament breathed

but one sound within my ears, and the ripples upon the sea

murmured evermore—Morella. But she died; and with my own hands I

bore her to the tomb; and I laughed with a long and bitter laugh

as I found no traces of the first in the charnel where I laid the

second, Morella.

A TALE OF THE RAGGED MOUNTAINS

During the fall of the year 1827, while residing near

Charlottesville, Virginia, I casually made the acquaintance of

Mr. Augustus Bedloe. This young gentleman was remarkable in every

respect, and excited in me a profound interest and curiosity. I

found it impossible to comprehend him either in his moral or his

physical relations. Of his family I could obtain no satisfactory

account. Whence he came, I never ascertained. Even about his

age—although I call him a young gentleman—there was something

which perplexed me in no little degree. He certainly seemed

young—and he made a point of speaking about his youth—yet there

were moments when I should have had little trouble in imagining

him a hundred years of age. But in no regard was he more peculiar

than in his personal appearance. He was singularly tall and thin.

He stooped much. His limbs were exceedingly long and emaciated.

His forehead was broad and low. His complexion was absolutely

bloodless. His mouth was large and flexible, and his teeth were

more wildly uneven, although sound, than I had ever before seen

teeth in a human head. The expression of his smile, however, was

by no means unpleasing, as might be supposed; but it had no

variation whatever. It was one of profound melancholy—of a

phaseless and unceasing gloom. His eyes were abnormally large,

and round like those of a cat. The pupils, too, upon any

accession or diminution of light, underwent contraction or

dilation, just such as is observed in the feline tribe. In

moments of excitement the orbs grew bright to a degree almost

inconceivable; seeming to emit luminous rays, not of a reflected

but of an intrinsic lustre, as does a candle or the sun; yet

their ordinary condition was so totally vapid, filmy, and dull as

to convey the idea of the eyes of a long-interred corpse.

These peculiarities of person appeared to cause him much

annoyance, and he was continually alluding to them in a sort of

half explanatory, half apologetic strain, which, when I first

heard it, impressed me very painfully. I soon, however, grew

accustomed to it, and my uneasiness wore off. It seemed to be his

design rather to insinuate than directly to assert that,

physically, he had not always been what he was—that a long series

of neuralgic attacks had reduced him from a condition of more

than usual personal beauty, to that which I saw. For many years

past he had been attended by a physician, named Templeton—an old

gentleman, perhaps seventy years of age—whom he had first

encountered at Saratoga, and from whose attention, while there,

he either received, or fancied that he received, great benefit.

The result was that Bedloe, who was wealthy, had made an

arrangement with Dr. Templeton, by which the latter, in

consideration of a liberal annual allowance, had consented to

devote his time and medical experience exclusively to the care of

the invalid.

Doctor Templeton had been a traveller in his younger days, and at

Paris had become a convert, in great measure, to the doctrines of

Mesmer. It was altogether by means of magnetic remedies that he

had succeeded in alleviating the acute pains of his patient; and

this success had very naturally inspired the latter with a

certain degree of confidence in the opinions from which the

remedies had been educed. The Doctor, however, like all

enthusiasts, had struggled hard to make a thorough convert of his

pupil, and finally so far gained his point as to induce the

sufferer to submit to numerous experiments. By a frequent

repetition of these, a result had arisen, which of late days has

become so common as to attract little or no attention, but which,

at the period of which I write, had very rarely been known in

America. I mean to say, that between Doctor Templeton and Bedloe

there had grown up, little by little, a very distinct and

strongly marked rapport, or magnetic relation. I am not prepared

to assert, however, that this rapport extended beyond the limits

of the simple sleep-producing power, but this power itself had

attained great intensity. At the first attempt to induce the

magnetic somnolency, the mesmerist entirely failed. In the fifth

or sixth he succeeded very partially, and after long continued

effort. Only at the twelfth was the triumph complete. After this

the will of the patient succumbed rapidly to that of the

physician, so that, when I first became acquainted with the two,

sleep was brought about almost instantaneously by the mere

volition of the operator, even when the invalid was unaware of

his presence. It is only now, in the year 1845, when similar

miracles are witnessed daily by thousands, that I dare venture to

record this apparent impossibility as a matter of serious fact.

The temperature of Bedloe was, in the highest degree sensitive,

excitable, enthusiastic. His imagination was singularly vigorous

and creative; and no doubt it derived additional force from the

habitual use of morphine, which he swallowed in great quantity,

and without which he would have found it impossible to exist. It

was his practice to take a very large dose of it immediately

after breakfast each morning—or, rather, immediately after a cup

of strong coffee, for he ate nothing in the forenoon—and then set

forth alone, or attended only by a dog, upon a long ramble among

the chain of wild and dreary hills that lie westward and

southward of Charlottesville, and are there dignified by the

title of the Ragged Mountains.

Upon a dim, warm, misty day, toward the close of November, and

during the strange interregnum of the seasons which in America is

termed the Indian Summer, Mr. Bedloe departed as usual for the

hills. The day passed, and still he did not return.

About eight o’clock at night, having become seriously alarmed at

his protracted absence, we were about setting out in search of

him, when he unexpectedly made his appearance, in health no worse

than usual, and in rather more than ordinary spirits. The account

which he gave of his expedition, and of the events which had

detained him, was a singular one indeed.

“You will remember,” said he, “that it was about nine in the

morning when I left Charlottesville. I bent my steps immediately

to the mountains, and, about ten, entered a gorge which was

entirely new to me. I followed the windings of this pass with

much interest. The scenery which presented itself on all sides,

although scarcely entitled to be called grand, had about it an

indescribable and to me a delicious aspect of dreary desolation.

The solitude seemed absolutely virgin. I could not help believing

that the green sods and the gray rocks upon which I trod had been

trodden never before by the foot of a human being. So entirely

secluded, and in fact inaccessible, except through a series of

accidents, is the entrance of the ravine, that it is by no means

impossible that I was indeed the first adventurer—the very first

and sole adventurer who had ever penetrated its recesses.

“The thick and peculiar mist, or smoke, which distinguishes the

Indian Summer, and which now hung heavily over all objects,

served, no doubt, to deepen the vague impressions which these

objects created. So dense was this pleasant fog that I could at

no time see more than a dozen yards of the path before me. This

path was excessively sinuous, and as the sun could not be seen, I

soon lost all idea of the direction in which I journeyed. In the

meantime the morphine had its customary effect—that of enduing

all the external world with an intensity of interest. In the

quivering of a leaf—in the hue of a blade of grass—in the shape

of a trefoil—in the humming of a bee—in the gleaming of a

dew-drop—in the breathing of the wind—in the faint odors that

came from the forest—there came a whole universe of suggestion—a

gay and motley train of rhapsodical and immethodical thought.

“Busied in this, I walked on for several hours, during which the

mist deepened around me to so great an extent that at length I

was reduced to an absolute groping of the way. And now an

indescribable uneasiness possessed me—a species of nervous

hesitation and tremor. I feared to tread, lest I should be

precipitated into some abyss. I remembered, too, strange stories

told about these Ragged Hills, and of the uncouth and fierce

races of men who tenanted their groves and caverns. A thousand

vague fancies oppressed and disconcerted me—fancies the more

distressing because vague. Very suddenly my attention was

arrested by the loud beating of a drum.

“My amazement was, of course, extreme. A drum in these hills was

a thing unknown. I could not have been more surprised at the

sound of the trump of the Archangel. But a new and still more

astounding source of interest and perplexity arose. There came a

wild rattling or jingling sound, as if of a bunch of large keys,

and upon the instant a dusky-visaged and half-naked man rushed

past me with a shriek. He came so close to my person that I felt

his hot breath upon my face. He bore in one hand an instrument

composed of an assemblage of steel rings, and shook them

vigorously as he ran. Scarcely had he disappeared in the mist

before, panting after him, with open mouth and glaring eyes,

there darted a huge beast. I could not be mistaken in its

character. It was a hyena.

“The sight of this monster rather relieved than heightened my

terrors—for I now made sure that I dreamed, and endeavored to

arouse myself to waking consciousness. I stepped boldly and

briskly forward. I rubbed my eyes. I called aloud. I pinched my

limbs. A small spring of water presented itself to my view, and

here, stooping, I bathed my hands and my head and neck. This

seemed to dissipate the equivocal sensations which had hitherto

annoyed me. I arose, as I thought, a new man, and proceeded

steadily and complacently on my unknown way.

“At length, quite overcome by exertion, and by a certain

oppressive closeness of the atmosphere, I seated myself beneath a

tree. Presently there came a feeble gleam of sunshine, and the

shadow of the leaves of the tree fell faintly but definitely upon

the grass. At this shadow I gazed wonderingly for many minutes.

Its character stupefied me with astonishment. I looked upward.

The tree was a palm.

“I now arose hurriedly, and in a state of fearful agitation—for

the fancy that I dreamed would serve me no longer. I saw—I felt

that I had perfect command of my senses—and these senses now

brought to my soul a world of novel and singular sensation. The

heat became all at once intolerable. A strange odor loaded the

breeze. A low, continuous murmur, like that arising from a full,

but gently flowing river, came to my ears, intermingled with the

peculiar hum of multitudinous human voices.

“While I listened in an extremity of astonishment which I need

not attempt to describe, a strong and brief gust of wind bore off

the incumbent fog as if by the wand of an enchanter.

“I found myself at the foot of a high mountain, and looking down

into a vast plain, through which wound a majestic river. On the

margin of this river stood an Eastern-looking city, such as we

read of in the Arabian Tales, but of a character even more

singular than any there described. From my position, which was

far above the level of the town, I could perceive its every nook

and corner, as if delineated on a map. The streets seemed

innumerable, and crossed each other irregularly in all

directions, but were rather long winding alleys than streets, and

absolutely swarmed with inhabitants. The houses were wildly

picturesque. On every hand was a wilderness of balconies, of

verandas, of minarets, of shrines, and fantastically carved

oriels. Bazaars abounded; and in these were displayed rich wares

in infinite variety and profusion—silks, muslins, the most

dazzling cutlery, the most magnificent jewels and gems. Besides

these things, were seen, on all sides, banners and palanquins,

litters with stately dames close-veiled, elephants gorgeously

caparisoned, idols grotesquely hewn, drums, banners, and gongs,

spears, silver and gilded maces. And amid the crowd, and the

clamor, and the general intricacy and confusion—amid the million

of black and yellow men, turbaned and robed, and of flowing

beard, there roamed a countless multitude of holy filleted bulls,

while vast legions of the filthy but sacred ape clambered,

chattering and shrieking, about the cornices of the mosques, or

clung to the minarets and oriels. From the swarming streets to

the banks of the river, there descended innumerable flights of

steps leading to bathing places, while the river itself seemed to

force a passage with difficulty through the vast fleets of

deeply-burthened ships that far and wide encountered its surface.

Beyond the limits of the city arose, in frequent majestic groups,

the palm and the cocoa, with other gigantic and weird trees of

vast age; and here and there might be seen a field of rice, the

thatched hut of a peasant, a tank, a stray temple, a gypsy camp,

or a solitary graceful maiden taking her way, with a pitcher upon

her head, to the banks of the magnificent river.

“You will say now, of course, that I dreamed; but not so. What I

saw—what I heard—what I felt—what I thought—had about it nothing

of the unmistakable idiosyncrasy of the dream. All was rigorously

self-consistent. At first, doubting that I was really awake, I

entered into a series of tests, which soon convinced me that I

really was. Now, when one dreams, and, in the dream, suspects

that he dreams, the suspicion never fails to confirm itself, and

the sleeper is almost immediately aroused. Thus Novalis errs not

in saying that ‘we are near waking when we dream that we dream.’

Had the vision occurred to me as I describe it, without my

suspecting it as a dream, then a dream it might absolutely have

been, but, occurring as it did, and suspected and tested as it

was, I am forced to class it among other phenomena.”

“In this I am not sure that you are wrong,” observed Dr.

Templeton, “but proceed. You arose and descended into the city.”

“I arose,” continued Bedloe, regarding the Doctor with an air of

profound astonishment “I arose, as you say, and descended into

the city. On my way I fell in with an immense populace, crowding

through every avenue, all in the same direction, and exhibiting

in every action the wildest excitement. Very suddenly, and by

some inconceivable impulse, I became intensely imbued with

personal interest in what was going on. I seemed to feel that I

had an important part to play, without exactly understanding what

it was. Against the crowd which environed me, however, I

experienced a deep sentiment of animosity. I shrank from amid

them, and, swiftly, by a circuitous path, reached and entered the

city. Here all was the wildest tumult and contention. A small

party of men, clad in garments half Indian, half European, and

officered by gentlemen in a uniform partly British, were engaged,

at great odds, with the swarming rabble of the alleys. I joined

the weaker party, arming myself with the weapons of a fallen

officer, and fighting I knew not whom with the nervous ferocity

of despair. We were soon overpowered by numbers, and driven to

seek refuge in a species of kiosk. Here we barricaded ourselves,

and, for the present were secure. From a loop-hole near the

summit of the kiosk, I perceived a vast crowd, in furious

agitation, surrounding and assaulting a gay palace that overhung

the river. Presently, from an upper window of this place, there

descended an effeminate-looking person, by means of a string made

of the turbans of his attendants. A boat was at hand, in which he

escaped to the opposite bank of the river.

“And now a new object took possession of my soul. I spoke a few

hurried but energetic words to my companions, and, having

succeeded in gaining over a few of them to my purpose made a

frantic sally from the kiosk. We rushed amid the crowd that

surrounded it. They retreated, at first, before us. They rallied,

fought madly, and retreated again. In the mean time we were borne

far from the kiosk, and became bewildered and entangled among the

narrow streets of tall, overhanging houses, into the recesses of

which the sun had never been able to shine. The rabble pressed

impetuously upon us, harrassing us with their spears, and

overwhelming us with flights of arrows. These latter were very

remarkable, and resembled in some respects the writhing creese of

the Malay. They were made to imitate the body of a creeping

serpent, and were long and black, with a poisoned barb. One of

them struck me upon the right temple. I reeled and fell. An

instantaneous and dreadful sickness seized me. I struggled—I

gasped—I died.”

“You will hardly persist _now_,” said I smiling, “that the whole

of your adventure was not a dream. You are not prepared to

maintain that you are dead?”

When I said these words, I of course expected some lively sally

from Bedloe in reply, but, to my astonishment, he hesitated,

trembled, became fearfully pallid, and remained silent. I looked

toward Templeton. He sat erect and rigid in his chair—his teeth

chattered, and his eyes were starting from their sockets.

“Proceed!” he at length said hoarsely to Bedloe.

“For many minutes,” continued the latter, “my sole sentiment—my

sole feeling—was that of darkness and nonentity, with the

consciousness of death. At length there seemed to pass a violent

and sudden shock through my soul, as if of electricity. With it

came the sense of elasticity and of light. This latter I felt—not

saw. In an instant I seemed to rise from the ground. But I had no

bodily, no visible, audible, or palpable presence. The crowd had

departed. The tumult had ceased. The city was in comparative

repose. Beneath me lay my corpse, with the arrow in my temple,

the whole head greatly swollen and disfigured. But all these

things I felt—not saw. I took interest in nothing. Even the

corpse seemed a matter in which I had no concern. Volition I had

none, but appeared to be impelled into motion, and flitted

buoyantly out of the city, retracing the circuitous path by which

I had entered it. When I had attained that point of the ravine in

the mountains at which I had encountered the hyena, I again

experienced a shock as of a galvanic battery; the sense of

weight, of volition, of substance, returned. I became my original

self, and bent my steps eagerly homeward—but the past had not

lost the vividness of the real—and not now, even for an instant,

can I compel my understanding to regard it as a dream.”

“Nor was it,” said Templeton, with an air of deep solemnity, “yet

it would be difficult to say how otherwise it should be termed.

Let us suppose only, that the soul of the man of to-day is upon

the verge of some stupendous psychal discoveries. Let us content

ourselves with this supposition. For the rest I have some

explanation to make. Here is a watercolor drawing, which I should

have shown you before, but which an unaccountable sentiment of

horror has hitherto prevented me from showing.”

We looked at the picture which he presented. I saw nothing in it

of an extraordinary character, but its effect upon Bedloe was

prodigious. He nearly fainted as he gazed. And yet it was but a

miniature portrait—a miraculously accurate one, to be sure—of his

own very remarkable features. At least this was my thought as I

regarded it.

“You will perceive,” said Templeton, “the date of this picture—it

is here, scarcely visible, in this corner—1780. In this year was

the portrait taken. It is the likeness of a dead friend—a Mr.

Oldeb—to whom I became much attached at Calcutta, during the

administration of Warren Hastings. I was then only twenty years

old. When I first saw you, Mr. Bedloe, at Saratoga, it was the

miraculous similarity which existed between yourself and the

painting which induced me to accost you, to seek your friendship,

and to bring about those arrangements which resulted in my

becoming your constant companion. In accomplishing this point, I

was urged partly, and perhaps principally, by a regretful memory

of the deceased, but also, in part, by an uneasy, and not

altogether horrorless curiosity respecting yourself.

“In your detail of the vision which presented itself to you amid

the hills, you have described, with the minutest accuracy, the

Indian city of Benares, upon the Holy River. The riots, the

combat, the massacre, were the actual events of the insurrection

of Cheyte Sing, which took place in 1780, when Hastings was put

in imminent peril of his life. The man escaping by the string of

turbans was Cheyte Sing himself. The party in the kiosk were

sepoys and British officers, headed by Hastings. Of this party I

was one, and did all I could to prevent the rash and fatal sally

of the officer who fell, in the crowded alleys, by the poisoned

arrow of a Bengalee. That officer was my dearest friend. It was

Oldeb. You will perceive by these manuscripts,” (here the speaker

produced a note-book in which several pages appeared to have been

freshly written,) “that at the very period in which you fancied

these things amid the hills, I was engaged in detailing them upon

paper here at home.”

In about a week after this conversation, the following paragraphs

appeared in a Charlottesville paper:

“We have the painful duty of announcing the death of Mr. Augustus

Bedlo, a gentleman whose amiable manners and many virtues have

long endeared him to the citizens of Charlottesville.

“Mr. B., for some years past, has been subject to neuralgia,

which has often threatened to terminate fatally; but this can be

regarded only as the mediate cause of his decease. The proximate

cause was one of especial singularity. In an excursion to the

Ragged Mountains, a few days since, a slight cold and fever were

contracted, attended with great determination of blood to the

head. To relieve this, Dr. Templeton resorted to topical

bleeding. Leeches were applied to the temples. In a fearfully

brief period the patient died, when it appeared that in the jar

containing the leeches, had been introduced, by accident, one of

the venomous vermicular sangsues which are now and then found in

the neighboring ponds. This creature fastened itself upon a small

artery in the right temple. Its close resemblance to the

medicinal leech caused the mistake to be overlooked until too

late.

“N. B.—The poisonous sangsue of Charlottesville may always be

distinguished from the medicinal leech by its blackness, and

especially by its writhing or vermicular motions, which very

nearly resemble those of a snake.”

I was speaking with the editor of the paper in question, upon the

topic of this remarkable accident, when it occurred to me to ask

how it happened that the name of the deceased had been given as

Bedlo.

“I presume,” I said, “you have authority for this spelling, but I

have always supposed the name to be written with an e at the

end.”

“Authority?—no,” he replied. “It is a mere typographical error.

The name is Bedlo with an e, all the world over, and I never knew

it to be spelt otherwise in my life.”

“Then,” said I mutteringly, as I turned upon my heel, “then

indeed has it come to pass that one truth is stranger than any

fiction—for Bedloe, without the e, what is it but Oldeb

conversed! And this man tells me that it is a typographical

error.”

THE SPECTACLES

Many years ago, it was the fashion to ridicule the idea of “love

at first sight;” but those who think, not less than those who

feel deeply, have always advocated its existence. Modern

discoveries, indeed, in what may be termed ethical magnetism or

magnetoesthetics, render it probable that the most natural, and,

consequently, the truest and most intense of the human affections

are those which arise in the heart as if by electric sympathy—in

a word, that the brightest and most enduring of the psychal

fetters are those which are riveted by a glance. The confession I

am about to make will add another to the already almost

innumerable instances of the truth of the position.

My story requires that I should be somewhat minute. I am still a

very young man—not yet twenty-two years of age. My name, at

present, is a very usual and rather plebeian one—Simpson. I say

“at present;” for it is only lately that I have been so

called—having legislatively adopted this surname within the last

year in order to receive a large inheritance left me by a distant

male relative, Adolphus Simpson, Esq. The bequest was conditioned

upon my taking the name of the testator,—the family, not the

Christian name; my Christian name is Napoleon Bonaparte—or, more

properly, these are my first and middle appellations.

I assumed the name, Simpson, with some reluctance, as in my true

patronym, Froissart, I felt a very pardonable pride—believing

that I could trace a descent from the immortal author of the

“Chronicles.” While on the subject of names, by the bye, I may

mention a singular coincidence of sound attending the names of

some of my immediate predecessors. My father was a Monsieur

Froissart, of Paris. His wife—my mother, whom he married at

fifteen—was a Mademoiselle Croissart, eldest daughter of

Croissart the banker, whose wife, again, being only sixteen when

married, was the eldest daughter of one Victor Voissart. Monsieur

Voissart, very singularly, had married a lady of similar name—a

Mademoiselle Moissart. She, too, was quite a child when married;

and her mother, also, Madame Moissart, was only fourteen when led

to the altar. These early marriages are usual in France. Here,

however, are Moissart, Voissart, Croissart, and Froissart, all in

the direct line of descent. My own name, though, as I say, became

Simpson, by act of Legislature, and with so much repugnance on my

part, that, at one period, I actually hesitated about accepting

the legacy with the useless and annoying proviso attached.

As to personal endowments, I am by no means deficient. On the

contrary, I believe that I am well made, and possess what nine

tenths of the world would call a handsome face. In height I am

five feet eleven. My hair is black and curling. My nose is

sufficiently good. My eyes are large and gray; and although, in

fact they are weak to a very inconvenient degree, still no defect

in this regard would be suspected from their appearance. The

weakness itself, however, has always much annoyed me, and I have

resorted to every remedy—short of wearing glasses. Being youthful

and good-looking, I naturally dislike these, and have resolutely

refused to employ them. I know nothing, indeed, which so

disfigures the countenance of a young person, or so impresses

every feature with an air of demureness, if not altogether of

sanctimoniousness and of age. An eyeglass, on the other hand, has

a savor of downright foppery and affectation. I have hitherto

managed as well as I could without either. But something too much

of these merely personal details, which, after all, are of little

importance. I will content myself with saying, in addition, that

my temperament is sanguine, rash, ardent, enthusiastic—and that

all my life I have been a devoted admirer of the women.

One night last winter I entered a box at the P—— Theatre, in

company with a friend, Mr. Talbot. It was an opera night, and the

bills presented a very rare attraction, so that the house was

excessively crowded. We were in time, however, to obtain the

front seats which had been reserved for us, and into which, with

some little difficulty, we elbowed our way.

For two hours my companion, who was a musical fanatico, gave his

undivided attention to the stage; and, in the meantime, I amused

myself by observing the audience, which consisted, in chief part,

of the very elite of the city. Having satisfied myself upon this

point, I was about turning my eyes to the prima donna, when they

were arrested and riveted by a figure in one of the private boxes

which had escaped my observation.

If I live a thousand years, I can never forget the intense

emotion with which I regarded this figure. It was that of a

female, the most exquisite I had ever beheld. The face was so far

turned toward the stage that, for some minutes, I could not

obtain a view of it—but the form was divine; no other word can

sufficiently express its magnificent proportion—and even the term

“divine” seems ridiculously feeble as I write it.

The magic of a lovely form in woman—the necromancy of female

gracefulness—was always a power which I had found it impossible

to resist, but here was grace personified, incarnate, the beau

ideal of my wildest and most enthusiastic visions. The figure,

almost all of which the construction of the box permitted to be

seen, was somewhat above the medium height, and nearly

approached, without positively reaching, the majestic. Its

perfect fullness and tournure were delicious. The head, of which

only the back was visible, rivalled in outline that of the Greek

Psyche, and was rather displayed than concealed by an elegant cap

of _gaze äérienne_, which put me in mind of the _ventum textilem_

of Apuleius. The right arm hung over the balustrade of the box,

and thrilled every nerve of my frame with its exquisite symmetry.

Its upper portion was draperied by one of the loose open sleeves

now in fashion. This extended but little below the elbow. Beneath

it was worn an under one of some frail material, close-fitting,

and terminated by a cuff of rich lace, which fell gracefully over

the top of the hand, revealing only the delicate fingers, upon

one of which sparkled a diamond ring, which I at once saw was of

extraordinary value. The admirable roundness of the wrist was

well set off by a bracelet which encircled it, and which also was

ornamented and clasped by a magnificent aigrette of

jewels—telling, in words that could not be mistaken, at once of

the wealth and fastidious taste of the wearer.

I gazed at this queenly apparition for at least half an hour, as

if I had been suddenly converted to stone; and, during this

period, I felt the full force and truth of all that has been said

or sung concerning “love at first sight.” My feelings were

totally different from any which I had hitherto experienced, in

the presence of even the most celebrated specimens of female

loveliness. An unaccountable, and what I am compelled to consider

a magnetic, sympathy of soul for soul, seemed to rivet, not only

my vision, but my whole powers of thought and feeling, upon the

admirable object before me. I saw—I felt—I knew that I was

deeply, madly, irrevocably in love—and this even before seeing

the face of the person beloved. So intense, indeed, was the

passion that consumed me, that I really believe it would have

received little if any abatement had the features, yet unseen,

proved of merely ordinary character; so anomalous is the nature

of the only true love—of the love at first sight—and so little

really dependent is it upon the external conditions which only

seem to create and control it.

While I was thus wrapped in admiration of this lovely vision, a

sudden disturbance among the audience caused her to turn her head

partially toward me, so that I beheld the entire profile of the

face. Its beauty even exceeded my anticipations—and yet there was

something about it which disappointed me without my being able to

tell exactly what it was. I said “disappointed,” but this is not

altogether the word. My sentiments were at once quieted and

exalted. They partook less of transport and more of calm

enthusiasm—of enthusiastic repose. This state of feeling arose,

perhaps, from the Madonna-like and matronly air of the face; and

yet I at once understood that it could not have arisen entirely

from this. There was something else—some mystery which I could

not develope—some expression about the countenance which slightly

disturbed me while it greatly heightened my interest. In fact, I

was just in that condition of mind which prepares a young and

susceptible man for any act of extravagance. Had the lady been

alone, I should undoubtedly have entered her box and accosted her

at all hazards; but, fortunately, she was attended by two

companions—a gentleman, and a strikingly beautiful woman, to all

appearance a few years younger than herself.

I revolved in my mind a thousand schemes by which I might obtain,

hereafter, an introduction to the elder lady, or, for the

present, at all events, a more distinct view of her beauty. I

would have removed my position to one nearer her own, but the

crowded state of the theatre rendered this impossible; and the

stern decrees of Fashion had, of late, imperatively prohibited

the use of the opera-glass in a case such as this, even had I

been so fortunate as to have one with me—but I had not—and was

thus in despair.

At length I bethought me of applying to my companion.

“Talbot,” I said, “you have an opera-glass. Let me have it.”

“An opera-glass!—no!—what do you suppose I would be doing with an

opera-glass?” Here he turned impatiently toward the stage.

“But, Talbot,” I continued, pulling him by the shoulder, “listen

to me will you? Do you see the stage-box?—there!—no, the next.—

Did you ever behold as lovely a woman?”

“She is very beautiful, no doubt,” he said.

“I wonder who she can be?”

“Why, in the name of all that is angelic, don’t you know who she

is? ‘Not to know her argues yourself unknown.’ She is the

celebrated Madame Lalande—the beauty of the day par excellence,

and the talk of the whole town. Immensely wealthy too—a widow,

and a great match—has just arrived from Paris.”

“Do you know her?”

“Yes; I have the honor.”

“Will you introduce me?”

“Assuredly, with the greatest pleasure; when shall it be?”

“To-morrow, at one, I will call upon you at B—’s.”

“Very good; and now do hold your tongue, if you can.”

In this latter respect I was forced to take Talbot’s advice; for

he remained obstinately deaf to every further question or

suggestion, and occupied himself exclusively for the rest of the

evening with what was transacting upon the stage.

In the meantime I kept my eyes riveted on Madame Lalande, and at

length had the good fortune to obtain a full front view of her

face. It was exquisitely lovely—this, of course, my heart had

told me before, even had not Talbot fully satisfied me upon the

point—but still the unintelligible something disturbed me. I

finally concluded that my senses were impressed by a certain air

of gravity, sadness, or, still more properly, of weariness, which

took something from the youth and freshness of the countenance,

only to endow it with a seraphic tenderness and majesty, and

thus, of course, to my enthusiastic and romantic temperment, with

an interest tenfold.

While I thus feasted my eyes, I perceived, at last, to my great

trepidation, by an almost imperceptible start on the part of the

lady, that she had become suddenly aware of the intensity of my

gaze. Still, I was absolutely fascinated, and could not withdraw

it, even for an instant. She turned aside her face, and again I

saw only the chiselled contour of the back portion of the head.

After some minutes, as if urged by curiosity to see if I was

still looking, she gradually brought her face again around and

again encountered my burning gaze. Her large dark eyes fell

instantly, and a deep blush mantled her cheek. But what was my

astonishment at perceiving that she not only did not a second

time avert her head, but that she actually took from her girdle a

double eyeglass—elevated it—adjusted it—and then regarded me

through it, intently and deliberately, for the space of several

minutes.

Had a thunderbolt fallen at my feet I could not have been more

thoroughly astounded—astounded only—not offended or disgusted in

the slightest degree; although an action so bold in any other

woman would have been likely to offend or disgust. But the whole

thing was done with so much quietude—so much nonchalance—so much

repose—with so evident an air of the highest breeding, in

short—that nothing of mere effrontery was perceptible, and my

sole sentiments were those of admiration and surprise.

I observed that, upon her first elevation of the glass, she had

seemed satisfied with a momentary inspection of my person, and

was withdrawing the instrument, when, as if struck by a second

thought, she resumed it, and so continued to regard me with fixed

attention for the space of several minutes—for five minutes, at

the very least, I am sure.

This action, so remarkable in an American theatre, attracted very

general observation, and gave rise to an indefinite movement, or

buzz, among the audience, which for a moment filled me with

confusion, but produced no visible effect upon the countenance of

Madame Lalande.

Having satisfied her curiosity—if such it was—she dropped the

glass, and quietly gave her attention again to the stage; her

profile now being turned toward myself, as before. I continued to

watch her unremittingly, although I was fully conscious of my

rudeness in so doing. Presently I saw the head slowly and

slightly change its position; and soon I became convinced that

the lady, while pretending to look at the stage was, in fact,

attentively regarding myself. It is needless to say what effect

this conduct, on the part of so fascinating a woman, had upon my

excitable mind.

Having thus scrutinized me for perhaps a quarter of an hour, the

fair object of my passion addressed the gentleman who attended

her, and while she spoke, I saw distinctly, by the glances of

both, that the conversation had reference to myself.

Upon its conclusion, Madame Lalande again turned toward the

stage, and, for a few minutes, seemed absorbed in the

performance. At the expiration of this period, however, I was

thrown into an extremity of agitation by seeing her unfold, for

the second time, the eye-glass which hung at her side, fully

confront me as before, and, disregarding the renewed buzz of the

audience, survey me, from head to foot, with the same miraculous

composure which had previously so delighted and confounded my

soul.

This extraordinary behavior, by throwing me into a perfect fever

of excitement—into an absolute delirium of love—served rather to

embolden than to disconcert me. In the mad intensity of my

devotion, I forgot everything but the presence and the majestic

loveliness of the vision which confronted my gaze. Watching my

opportunity, when I thought the audience were fully engaged with

the opera, I at length caught the eyes of Madame Lalande, and,

upon the instant, made a slight but unmistakable bow.

She blushed very deeply—then averted her eyes—then slowly and

cautiously looked around, apparently to see if my rash action had

been noticed—then leaned over toward the gentleman who sat by her

side.

I now felt a burning sense of the impropriety I had committed,

and expected nothing less than instant exposure; while a vision

of pistols upon the morrow floated rapidly and uncomfortably

through my brain. I was greatly and immediately relieved,

however, when I saw the lady merely hand the gentleman a

play-bill, without speaking; but the reader may form some feeble

conception of my astonishment—of my profound amazement—my

delirious bewilderment of heart and soul—when, instantly

afterward, having again glanced furtively around, she allowed her

bright eyes to set fully and steadily upon my own, and then, with

a faint smile, disclosing a bright line of her pearly teeth, made

two distinct, pointed, and unequivocal affirmative inclinations

of the head.

It is useless, of course, to dwell upon my joy—upon my

transport—upon my illimitable ecstasy of heart. If ever man was

mad with excess of happiness, it was myself at that moment. I

loved. This was my first love—so I felt it to be. It was love

supreme—indescribable. It was “love at first sight;” and at first

sight, too, it had been appreciated and returned.

Yes, returned. How and why should I doubt it for an instant. What

other construction could I possibly put upon such conduct, on the

part of a lady so beautiful—so wealthy—evidently so

accomplished—of so high breeding—of so lofty a position in

society—in every regard so entirely respectable as I felt assured

was Madame Lalande? Yes, she loved me—she returned the enthusiasm

of my love, with an enthusiasm as blind—as uncompromising—as

uncalculating—as abandoned—and as utterly unbounded as my own!

These delicious fancies and reflections, however, were now

interrupted by the falling of the drop-curtain. The audience

arose; and the usual tumult immediately supervened. Quitting

Talbot abruptly, I made every effort to force my way into closer

proximity with Madame Lalande. Having failed in this, on account

of the crowd, I at length gave up the chase, and bent my steps

homeward; consoling myself for my disappointment in not having

been able to touch even the hem of her robe, by the reflection

that I should be introduced by Talbot, in due form, upon the

morrow.

This morrow at last came, that is to say, a day finally dawned

upon a long and weary night of impatience; and then the hours

until “one” were snail-paced, dreary, and innumerable. But even

Stamboul, it is said, shall have an end, and there came an end to

this long delay. The clock struck. As the last echo ceased, I

stepped into B——’s and inquired for Talbot.

“Out,” said the footman—Talbot’s own.

“Out!” I replied, staggering back half a dozen paces—“let me tell

you, my fine fellow, that this thing is thoroughly impossible and

impracticable; Mr. Talbot is not out. What do you mean?”

“Nothing, sir; only Mr. Talbot is not in, that’s all. He rode

over to S——, immediately after breakfast, and left word that he

would not be in town again for a week.”

I stood petrified with horror and rage. I endeavored to reply,

but my tongue refused its office. At length I turned on my heel,

livid with wrath, and inwardly consigning the whole tribe of the

Talbots to the innermost regions of Erebus. It was evident that

my considerate friend, il fanatico, had quite forgotten his

appointment with myself—had forgotten it as soon as it was made.

At no time was he a very scrupulous man of his word. There was no

help for it; so smothering my vexation as well as I could, I

strolled moodily up the street, propounding futile inquiries

about Madame Lalande to every male acquaintance I met. By report

she was known, I found, to all—to many by sight—but she had been

in town only a few weeks, and there were very few, therefore, who

claimed her personal acquaintance. These few, being still

comparatively strangers, could not, or would not, take the

liberty of introducing me through the formality of a morning

call. While I stood thus in despair, conversing with a trio of

friends upon the all-absorbing subject of my heart, it so

happened that the subject itself passed by.

“As I live, there she is!” cried one.

“Surprisingly beautiful!” exclaimed a second.

“An angel upon earth!” ejaculated a third.

I looked; and in an open carriage which approached us, passing

slowly down the street, sat the enchanting vision of the opera,

accompanied by the younger lady who had occupied a portion of her

box.

“Her companion also wears remarkably well,” said the one of my

trio who had spoken first.

“Astonishingly,” said the second; “still quite a brilliant air,

but art will do wonders. Upon my word, she looks better than she

did at Paris five years ago. A beautiful woman still;—don’t you

think so, Froissart?—Simpson, I mean.”

“_Still!_” said I, “and why shouldn’t she be? But compared with

her friend she is as a rush-light to the evening star—a glow-worm

to Antares.”

“Ha! ha! ha!—why, Simpson, you have an astonishing tact at making

discoveries—original ones, I mean.” And here we separated, while

one of the trio began humming a gay _vaudeville_, of which I

caught only the lines—

Ninon, Ninon, Ninon à bas—

A bas Ninon De L’Enclos!

During this little scene, however, one thing had served greatly

to console me, although it fed the passion by which I was

consumed. As the carriage of Madame Lalande rolled by our group,

I had observed that she recognized me; and more than this, she

had blessed me, by the most seraphic of all imaginable smiles,

with no equivocal mark of the recognition.

As for an introduction, I was obliged to abandon all hope of it

until such time as Talbot should think proper to return from the

country. In the meantime I perseveringly frequented every

reputable place of public amusement; and, at length, at the

theatre, where I first saw her, I had the supreme bliss of

meeting her, and of exchanging glances with her once again. This

did not occur, however, until the lapse of a fortnight. Every

day, in the interim, I had inquired for Talbot at his hotel, and

every day had been thrown into a spasm of wrath by the

everlasting “Not come home yet” of his footman.

Upon the evening in question, therefore, I was in a condition

little short of madness. Madame Lalande, I had been told, was a

Parisian—had lately arrived from Paris—might she not suddenly

return?—return before Talbot came back—and might she not be thus

lost to me forever? The thought was too terrible to bear. Since

my future happiness was at issue, I resolved to act with a manly

decision. In a word, upon the breaking up of the play, I traced

the lady to her residence, noted the address, and the next

morning sent her a full and elaborate letter, in which I poured

out my whole heart.

I spoke boldly, freely—in a word, I spoke with passion. I

concealed nothing—nothing even of my weakness. I alluded to the

romantic circumstances of our first meeting—even to the glances

which had passed between us. I went so far as to say that I felt

assured of her love; while I offered this assurance, and my own

intensity of devotion, as two excuses for my otherwise

unpardonable conduct. As a third, I spoke of my fear that she

might quit the city before I could have the opportunity of a

formal introduction. I concluded the most wildly enthusiastic

epistle ever penned, with a frank declaration of my worldly

circumstances—of my affluence—and with an offer of my heart and

of my hand.

In an agony of expectation I awaited the reply. After what seemed

the lapse of a century it came.

Yes, actually came. Romantic as all this may appear, I really

received a letter from Madame Lalande—the beautiful, the wealthy,

the idolized Madame Lalande. Her eyes—her magnificent eyes, had

not belied her noble heart. Like a true Frenchwoman as she was

she had obeyed the frank dictates of her reason—the generous

impulses of her nature—despising the conventional pruderies of

the world. She had not scorned my proposals. She had not

sheltered herself in silence. She had not returned my letter

unopened. She had even sent me, in reply, one penned by her own

exquisite fingers. It ran thus:

“Monsieur Simpson vill pardonne me for not compose de butefulle

tong of his contrée so vell as might. It is only de late dat I am

arrive, and not yet ave do opportunité for to—l’étudier.

“Vid dis apologie for the manière, I vill now say dat,

hélas!—Monsieur Simpson ave guess but de too true. Need I say de

more? Hélas! am I not ready speak de too moshe?

“EUGENIE LALAND.”

This noble-spirited note I kissed a million times, and committed,

no doubt, on its account, a thousand other extravagances that

have now escaped my memory. Still Talbot _would_ not return.

Alas! could he have formed even the vaguest idea of the suffering

his absence had occasioned his friend, would not his sympathizing

nature have flown immediately to my relief? Still, however, he

came _not_. I wrote. He replied. He was detained by urgent

business—but would shortly return. He begged me not to be

impatient—to moderate my transports—to read soothing books—to

drink nothing stronger than Hock—and to bring the consolations of

philosophy to my aid. The fool! if he could not come himself,

why, in the name of every thing rational, could he not have

enclosed me a letter of presentation? I wrote him again,

entreating him to forward one forthwith. My letter was returned

by _that_ footman, with the following endorsement in pencil. The

scoundrel had joined his master in the country:

“Left S—— yesterday, for parts unknown—did not say where—or when

be back—so thought best to return letter, knowing your

handwriting, and as how you is always, more or less, in a hurry.

“Yours sincerely,

“STUBBS.”

After this, it is needless to say, that I devoted to the infernal

deities both master and valet:—but there was little use in anger,

and no consolation at all in complaint.

But I had yet a resource left, in my constitutional audacity.

Hitherto it had served me well, and I now resolved to make it

avail me to the end. Besides, after the correspondence which had

passed between us, what act of mere informality could I commit,

within bounds, that ought to be regarded as indecorous by Madame

Lalande? Since the affair of the letter, I had been in the habit

of watching her house, and thus discovered that, about twilight,

it was her custom to promenade, attended only by a negro in

livery, in a public square overlooked by her windows. Here, amid

the luxuriant and shadowing groves, in the gray gloom of a sweet

midsummer evening, I observed my opportunity and accosted her.

The better to deceive the servant in attendance, I did this with

the assured air of an old and familiar acquaintance. With a

presence of mind truly Parisian, she took the cue at once, and,

to greet me, held out the most bewitchingly little of hands. The

valet at once fell into the rear, and now, with hearts full to

overflowing, we discoursed long and unreservedly of our love.

As Madame Lalande spoke English even less fluently than she wrote

it, our conversation was necessarily in French. In this sweet

tongue, so adapted to passion, I gave loose to the impetuous

enthusiasm of my nature, and, with all the eloquence I could

command, besought her to consent to an immediate marriage.

At this impatience she smiled. She urged the old story of

decorum—that bug-bear which deters so many from bliss until the

opportunity for bliss has forever gone by. I had most imprudently

made it known among my friends, she observed, that I desired her

acquaintance—thus that I did not possess it—thus, again, there

was no possibility of concealing the date of our first knowledge

of each other. And then she adverted, with a blush, to the

extreme recency of this date. To wed immediately would be

improper—would be indecorous—would be outre. All this she said

with a charming air of naivete which enraptured while it grieved

and convinced me. She went even so far as to accuse me,

laughingly, of rashness—of imprudence. She bade me remember that

I really even knew not who she was—what were her prospects, her

connections, her standing in society. She begged me, but with a

sigh, to reconsider my proposal, and termed my love an

infatuation—a will o’ the wisp—a fancy or fantasy of the moment—a

baseless and unstable creation rather of the imagination than of

the heart. These things she uttered as the shadows of the sweet

twilight gathered darkly and more darkly around us—and then, with

a gentle pressure of her fairy-like hand, overthrew, in a single

sweet instant, all the argumentative fabric she had reared.

I replied as best I could—as only a true lover can. I spoke at

length, and perseveringly of my devotion, of my passion—of her

exceeding beauty, and of my own enthusiastic admiration. In

conclusion, I dwelt, with a convincing energy, upon the perils

that encompass the course of love—that course of true love that

never did run smooth—and thus deduced the manifest danger of

rendering that course unnecessarily long.

This latter argument seemed finally to soften the rigor of her

determination. She relented; but there was yet an obstacle, she

said, which she felt assured I had not properly considered. This

was a delicate point—for a woman to urge, especially so; in

mentioning it, she saw that she must make a sacrifice of her

feelings; still, for me, every sacrifice should be made. She

alluded to the topic of age. Was I aware—was I fully aware of the

discrepancy between us? That the age of the husband, should

surpass by a few years—even by fifteen or twenty—the age of the

wife, was regarded by the world as admissible, and, indeed, as

even proper; but she had always entertained the belief that the

years of the wife should never exceed in number those of the

husband. A discrepancy of this unnatural kind gave rise, too

frequently, alas! to a life of unhappiness. Now she was aware

that my own age did not exceed two and twenty; and I, on the

contrary, perhaps, was not aware that the years of my Eugénie

extended very considerably beyond that sum.

About all this there was a nobility of soul—a dignity of

candor—which delighted—which enchanted me—which eternally riveted

my chains. I could scarcely restrain the excessive transport

which possessed me.

“My sweetest Eugénie,” I cried, “what is all this about which you

are discoursing? Your years surpass in some measure my own. But

what then? The customs of the world are so many conventional

follies. To those who love as ourselves, in what respect differs

a year from an hour? I am twenty-two, you say; granted: indeed,

you may as well call me, at once, twenty-three. Now you yourself,

my dearest Eugénie, can have numbered no more than—can have

numbered no more than—no more than—than—than—than—”

Here I paused for an instant, in the expectation that Madame

Lalande would interrupt me by supplying her true age. But a

Frenchwoman is seldom direct, and has always, by way of answer to

an embarrassing query, some little practical reply of her own. In

the present instance, Eugénie, who for a few moments past had

seemed to be searching for something in her bosom, at length let

fall upon the grass a miniature, which I immediately picked up

and presented to her.

“Keep it!” she said, with one of her most ravishing smiles. “Keep

it for my sake—for the sake of her whom it too flatteringly

represents. Besides, upon the back of the trinket you may

discover, perhaps, the very information you seem to desire. It is

now, to be sure, growing rather dark—but you can examine it at

your leisure in the morning. In the meantime, you shall be my

escort home to-night. My friends are about holding a little

musical _levée_. I can promise you, too, some good singing. We

French are not nearly so punctilious as you Americans, and I

shall have no difficulty in smuggling you in, in the character of

an old acquaintance.”

With this, she took my arm, and I attended her home. The mansion

was quite a fine one, and, I believe, furnished in good taste. Of

this latter point, however, I am scarcely qualified to judge; for

it was just dark as we arrived; and in American mansions of the

better sort lights seldom, during the heat of summer, make their

appearance at this, the most pleasant period of the day. In about

an hour after my arrival, to be sure, a single shaded solar lamp

was lit in the principal drawing-room; and this apartment, I

could thus see, was arranged with unusual good taste and even

splendor; but two other rooms of the suite, and in which the

company chiefly assembled, remained, during the whole evening, in

a very agreeable shadow. This is a well-conceived custom, giving

the party at least a choice of light or shade, and one which our

friends over the water could not do better than immediately

adopt.

The evening thus spent was unquestionably the most delicious of

my life. Madame Lalande had not overrated the musical abilities

of her friends; and the singing I here heard I had never heard

excelled in any private circle out of Vienna. The instrumental

performers were many and of superior talents. The vocalists were

chiefly ladies, and no individual sang less than well. At length,

upon a peremptory call for “Madame Lalande,” she arose at once,

without affectation or demur, from the chaise longue upon which

she had sat by my side, and, accompanied by one or two gentlemen

and her female friend of the opera, repaired to the piano in the

main drawing-room. I would have escorted her myself, but felt

that, under the circumstances of my introduction to the house, I

had better remain unobserved where I was. I was thus deprived of

the pleasure of seeing, although not of hearing, her sing.

The impression she produced upon the company seemed

electrical—but the effect upon myself was something even more. I

know not how adequately to describe it. It arose in part, no

doubt, from the sentiment of love with which I was imbued; but

chiefly from my conviction of the extreme sensibility of the

singer. It is beyond the reach of art to endow either air or

recitative with more impassioned expression than was hers. Her

utterance of the romance in Otello—the tone with which she gave

the words “Sul mio sasso,” in the Capuletti—is ringing in my

memory yet. Her lower tones were absolutely miraculous. Her voice

embraced three complete octaves, extending from the contralto D

to the D upper soprano, and, though sufficiently powerful to have

filled the San Carlos, executed, with the minutest precision,

every difficulty of vocal composition—ascending and descending

scales, cadences, or fiorituri. In the final of the Somnambula,

she brought about a most remarkable effect at the words:

Ah! non guinge uman pensiero

Al contento ond ’io son piena.

Here, in imitation of Malibran, she modified the original phrase

of Bellini, so as to let her voice descend to the tenor G, when,

by a rapid transition, she struck the G above the treble stave,

springing over an interval of two octaves.

Upon rising from the piano after these miracles of vocal

execution, she resumed her seat by my side; when I expressed to

her, in terms of the deepest enthusiasm, my delight at her

performance. Of my surprise I said nothing, and yet was I most

unfeignedly surprised; for a certain feebleness, or rather a

certain tremulous indecision of voice in ordinary conversation,

had prepared me to anticipate that, in singing, she would not

acquit herself with any remarkable ability.

Our conversation was now long, earnest, uninterrupted, and

totally unreserved. She made me relate many of the earlier

passages of my life, and listened with breathless attention to

every word of the narrative. I concealed nothing—felt that I had

a right to conceal nothing—from her confiding affection.

Encouraged by her candor upon the delicate point of her age, I

entered, with perfect frankness, not only into a detail of my

many minor vices, but made full confession of those moral and

even of those physical infirmities, the disclosure of which, in

demanding so much higher a degree of courage, is so much surer an

evidence of love. I touched upon my college indiscretions—upon my

extravagances—upon my carousals—upon my debts—upon my

flirtations. I even went so far as to speak of a slightly hectic

cough with which, at one time, I had been troubled—of a chronic

rheumatism—of a twinge of hereditary gout—and, in conclusion, of

the disagreeable and inconvenient, but hitherto carefully

concealed, weakness of my eyes.

“Upon this latter point,” said Madame Lalande, laughingly, “you

have been surely injudicious in coming to confession; for,

without the confession, I take it for granted that no one would

have accused you of the crime. By the by,” she continued, “have

you any recollection—” and here I fancied that a blush, even

through the gloom of the apartment, became distinctly visible

upon her cheek—“have you any recollection, _mon cher ami_, of

this little ocular assistant, which now depends from my neck?”

As she spoke she twirled in her fingers the identical double

eye-glass which had so overwhelmed me with confusion at the

opera.

“Full well—alas! do I remember it,” I exclaimed, pressing

passionately the delicate hand which offered the glasses for my

inspection. They formed a complex and magnificent toy, richly

chased and filigreed, and gleaming with jewels, which, even in

the deficient light, I could not help perceiving were of high

value.

“_Eh bien! mon ami_,” she resumed with a certain _empressment_ of

manner that rather surprised me—“_Eh bien! mon ami_, you have

earnestly besought of me a favor which you have been pleased to

denominate priceless. You have demanded of me my hand upon the

morrow. Should I yield to your entreaties—and, I may add, to the

pleadings of my own bosom—would I not be entitled to demand of

you a very—a very little boon in return?”

“Name it!” I exclaimed with an energy that had nearly drawn upon

us the observation of the company, and restrained by their

presence alone from throwing myself impetuously at her feet.

“Name it, my beloved, my Eugénie, my own!—name it!—but, alas! it

is already yielded ere named.”

“You shall conquer, then, _mon ami_,” said she, “for the sake of

the Eugénie whom you love, this little weakness which you have at

last confessed—this weakness more moral than physical—and which,

let me assure you, is so unbecoming the nobility of your real

nature—so inconsistent with the candor of your usual

character—and which, if permitted further control, will assuredly

involve you, sooner or later, in some very disagreeable scrape.

You shall conquer, for my sake, this affectation which leads you,

as you yourself acknowledge, to the tacit or implied denial of

your infirmity of vision. For, this infirmity you virtually deny,

in refusing to employ the customary means for its relief. You

will understand me to say, then, that I wish you to wear

spectacles;—ah, hush!—you have already consented to wear them,

for my sake. You shall accept the little toy which I now hold in

my hand, and which, though admirable as an aid to vision, is

really of no very immense value as a gem. You perceive that, by a

trifling modification thus—or thus—it can be adapted to the eyes

in the form of spectacles, or worn in the waistcoat pocket as an

eye-glass. It is in the former mode, however, and habitually,

that you have already consented to wear it for my sake.”

This request—must I confess it?—confused me in no little degree.

But the condition with which it was coupled rendered hesitation,

of course, a matter altogether out of the question.

“It is done!” I cried, with all the enthusiasm that I could

muster at the moment. “It is done—it is most cheerfully agreed. I

sacrifice every feeling for your sake. To-night I wear this dear

eye-glass, as an eye-glass, and upon my heart; but with the

earliest dawn of that morning which gives me the pleasure of

calling you wife, I will place it upon my—upon my nose,—and there

wear it ever afterward, in the less romantic, and less

fashionable, but certainly in the more serviceable, form which

you desire.”

Our conversation now turned upon the details of our arrangements

for the morrow. Talbot, I learned from my betrothed, had just

arrived in town. I was to see him at once, and procure a

carriage. The _soirée_ would scarcely break up before two; and by

this hour the vehicle was to be at the door; when, in the

confusion occasioned by the departure of the company, Madame L.

could easily enter it unobserved. We were then to call at the

house of a clergyman who would be in waiting; there be married,

drop Talbot, and proceed on a short tour to the East; leaving the

fashionable world at home to make whatever comments upon the

matter it thought best.

Having planned all this, I immediately took leave, and went in

search of Talbot, but, on the way, I could not refrain from

stepping into a hotel, for the purpose of inspecting the

miniature; and this I did by the powerful aid of the glasses. The

countenance was a surpassingly beautiful one! Those large

luminous eyes!—that proud Grecian nose!—those dark luxuriant

curls!—“Ah!” said I, exultingly to myself, “this is indeed the

speaking image of my beloved!” I turned the reverse, and

discovered the words—“Eugénie Lalande—aged twenty-seven years and

seven months.”

I found Talbot at home, and proceeded at once to acquaint him

with my good fortune. He professed excessive astonishment, of

course, but congratulated me most cordially, and proffered every

assistance in his power. In a word, we carried out our

arrangement to the letter, and, at two in the morning, just ten

minutes after the ceremony, I found myself in a close carriage

with Madame Lalande—with Mrs. Simpson, I should say—and driving

at a great rate out of town, in a direction northeast by north,

half-north.

It had been determined for us by Talbot, that, as we were to be

up all night, we should make our first stop at C——, a village

about twenty miles from the city, and there get an early

breakfast and some repose, before proceeding upon our route. At

four precisely, therefore, the carriage drew up at the door of

the principal inn. I handed my adored wife out, and ordered

breakfast forthwith. In the meantime we were shown into a small

parlor, and sat down.

It was now nearly if not altogether daylight; and, as I gazed,

enraptured, at the angel by my side, the singular idea came, all

at once, into my head, that this was really the very first moment

since my acquaintance with the celebrated loveliness of Madame

Lalande, that I had enjoyed a near inspection of that loveliness

by daylight at all.

“And now, _mon ami_,” said she, taking my hand, and so

interrupting this train of reflection, “and now, _mon cher ami_,

since we are indissolubly one—since I have yielded to your

passionate entreaties, and performed my portion of our

agreement—I presume you have not forgotten that you also have a

little favor to bestow—a little promise which it is your

intention to keep. Ah! let me see! Let me remember! Yes; full

easily do I call to mind the precise words of the dear promise

you made to Eugénie last night. Listen! You spoke thus: ‘It is

done!—it is most cheerfully agreed! I sacrifice every feeling for

your sake. To-night I wear this dear eye-glass as an eye-glass,

and upon my heart; but with the earliest dawn of that morning

which gives me the privilege of calling you wife, I will place it

upon my—upon my nose,—and there wear it ever afterward, in the

less romantic, and less fashionable, but certainly in the more

serviceable, form which you desire.’ These were the exact words,

my beloved husband, were they not?”

“They were,” I said; “you have an excellent memory; and

assuredly, my beautiful Eugénie, there is no disposition on my

part to evade the performance of the trivial promise they imply.

See! Behold! they are becoming—rather—are they not?” And here,

having arranged the glasses in the ordinary form of spectacles, I

applied them gingerly in their proper position; while Madame

Simpson, adjusting her cap, and folding her arms, sat bolt

upright in her chair, in a somewhat stiff and prim, and indeed,

in a somewhat undignified position.

“Goodness gracious me!” I exclaimed, almost at the very instant

that the rim of the spectacles had settled upon my nose—“_My!_

goodness gracious me!—why, what can be the matter with these

glasses?” and taking them quickly off, I wiped them carefully

with a silk handkerchief, and adjusted them again.

But if, in the first instance, there had occurred something which

occasioned me surprise, in the second, this surprise became

elevated into astonishment; and this astonishment was

profound—was extreme—indeed I may say it was horrific. What, in

the name of everything hideous, did this mean? Could I believe my

eyes?—could I?—that was the question. Was that—was that—was that

rouge? And were those—and were those—were those wrinkles, upon

the visage of Eugénie Lalande? And oh! Jupiter, and every one of

the gods and goddesses, little and big!—what—what—what—_what_ had

become of her teeth? I dashed the spectacles violently to the

ground, and, leaping to my feet, stood erect in the middle of the

floor, confronting Mrs. Simpson, with my arms set a-kimbo, and

grinning and foaming, but, at the same time, utterly speechless

with terror and with rage.

Now I have already said that Madame Eugénie Lalande—that is to

say, Simpson—spoke the English language but very little better

than she wrote it, and for this reason she very properly never

attempted to speak it upon ordinary occasions. But rage will

carry a lady to any extreme; and in the present care it carried

Mrs. Simpson to the very extraordinary extreme of attempting to

hold a conversation in a tongue that she did not altogether

understand.

“Vell, Monsieur,” said she, after surveying me, in great apparent

astonishment, for some moments—“Vell, Monsieur?—and vat den?—vat

de matter now? Is it de dance of de Saint itusse dat you ave? If

not like me, vat for vy buy de pig in the poke?”

“You wretch!” said I, catching my breath—“you—you—you villainous

old hag!”

“Ag?—ole?—me not so ver ole, after all! Me not one single day

more dan de eighty-doo.”

“Eighty-two!” I ejaculated, staggering to the wall—“eighty-two

hundred thousand baboons! The miniature said twenty-seven years

and seven months!”

“To be sure!—dat is so!—ver true! but den de portraite has been

take for dese fifty-five year. Ven I go marry my segonde usbande,

Monsieur Lalande, at dat time I had de portraite take for my

daughter by my first usbande, Monsieur Moissart!”

“Moissart!” said I.

“Yes, Moissart,” said she, mimicking my pronunciation, which, to

speak the truth, was none of the best,—“and vat den? Vat you know

about de Moissart?”

“Nothing, you old fright!—I know nothing about him at all; only I

had an ancestor of that name, once upon a time.”

“Dat name! and vat you ave for say to dat name? ’Tis ver _goot_

name; and so is Voissart—dat is ver goot name too. My daughter,

Mademoiselle Moissart, she marry von Monsieur Voissart,—and de

name is bot _ver_ respectable name.”

“Moissart?” I exclaimed, “and Voissart! Why, what is it you

mean?”

“Vat I mean?—I mean Moissart and Voissart; and for de matter of

dat, I mean Croissart and Froissart, too, if I only tink proper

to mean it. My daughter’s daughter, Mademoiselle Voissart, she

marry von Monsieur Croissart, and den again, my daughter’s grande

daughter, Mademoiselle Croissart, she marry von Monsieur

Froissart; and I suppose you say dat _dat_ is not von _ver_

respectaable name.”

“Froissart!” said I, beginning to faint, “why, surely you don’t

say Moissart, and Voissart, and Croissart, and Froissart?”

“Yes,” she replied, leaning fully back in her chair, and

stretching out her lower limbs at great length; “yes, Moissart,

and Voissart, and Croissart, and Froissart. But Monsieur

Froissart, he vas von _ver_ big vat you call fool—he vas von ver

great big donce like yourself—for he lef _la belle France_ for

come to dis stupide Amérique—and ven he get here he went and ave

von _ver_ stupid, von _ver, ver_ stupide sonn, so I hear, dough I

not yet av ad de plaisir to meet vid him—neither me nor my

companion, de Madame Stéphanie Lalande. He is name de Napoleon

Bonaparte Froissart, and I suppose you say dat _dat_, too, is not

von ver respectable name.”

Either the length or the nature of this speech, had the effect of

working up Mrs. Simpson into a very extraordinary passion indeed;

and as she made an end of it, with great labor, she jumped up

from her chair like somebody bewitched, dropping upon the floor

an entire universe of bustle as she jumped. Once upon her feet,

she gnashed her gums, brandished her arms, rolled up her sleeves,

shook her fist in my face, and concluded the performance by

tearing the cap from her head, and with it an immense wig of the

most valuable and beautiful black hair, the whole of which she

dashed upon the ground with a yell, and there trammpled and

danced a fandango upon it, in an absolute ecstasy and agony of

rage.

Meantime I sank aghast into the chair which she had vacated.

“Moissart and Voissart!” I repeated, thoughtfully, as she cut one

of her pigeon-wings, and “Croissart and Froissart!” as she

completed another—“Moissart and Voissart and Croissart and

Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart!—why, you ineffable old serpent,

that’s me—that’s me—d’ye hear? that’s me”—here I screamed at the

top of my voice—“that’s me-e-e! I am Napoleon Bonaparte

Froissart! and if I havn’t married my great, great, grandmother,

I wish I may be everlastingly confounded!”

Madame Eugénie Lalande, _quasi_ Simpson—formerly Moissart—was, in

sober fact, my great, great, grandmother. In her youth she had

been beautiful, and even at eighty-two, retained the majestic

height, the sculptural contour of head, the fine eyes and the

Grecian nose of her girlhood. By the aid of these, of

pearl-powder, of rouge, of false hair, false teeth, and false

tournure, as well as of the most skilful modistes of Paris, she

contrived to hold a respectable footing among the beauties _en

peu passées_ of the French metropolis. In this respect, indeed,

she might have been regarded as little less than the equal of the

celebrated Ninon De L’Enclos.

She was immensely wealthy, and being left, for the second time, a

widow without children, she bethought herself of my existence in

America, and for the purpose of making me her heir, paid a visit

to the United States, in company with a distant and exceedingly

lovely relative of her second husband’s—a Madame Stéphanie

Lalande.

At the opera, my great, great, grandmother’s attention was

arrested by my notice; and, upon surveying me through her

eye-glass, she was struck with a certain family resemblance to

herself. Thus interested, and knowing that the heir she sought

was actually in the city, she made inquiries of her party

respecting me. The gentleman who attended her knew my person, and

told her who I was. The information thus obtained induced her to

renew her scrutiny; and this scrutiny it was which so emboldened

me that I behaved in the absurd manner already detailed. She

returned my bow, however, under the impression that, by some odd

accident, I had discovered her identity. When, deceived by my

weakness of vision, and the arts of the toilet, in respect to the

age and charms of the strange lady, I demanded so

enthusiastically of Talbot who she was, he concluded that I meant

the younger beauty, as a matter of course, and so informed me,

with perfect truth, that she was “the celebrated widow, Madame

Lalande.”

In the street, next morning, my great, great, grandmother

encountered Talbot, an old Parisian acquaintance; and the

conversation, very naturally turned upon myself. My deficiencies

of vision were then explained; for these were notorious, although

I was entirely ignorant of their notoriety, and my good old

relative discovered, much to her chagrin, that she had been

deceived in supposing me aware of her identity, and that I had

been merely making a fool of myself in making open love, in a

theatre, to an old woman unknown. By way of punishing me for this

imprudence, she concocted with Talbot a plot. He purposely kept

out of my way to avoid giving me the introduction. My street

inquiries about “the lovely widow, Madame Lalande,” were supposed

to refer to the younger lady, of course, and thus the

conversation with the three gentlemen whom I encountered shortly

after leaving Talbot’s hotel will be easily explained, as also

their allusion to Ninon De L’Enclos. I had no opportunity of

seeing Madame Lalande closely during daylight; and, at her

musical _soirée_, my silly weakness in refusing the aid of

glasses effectually prevented me from making a discovery of her

age. When “Madame Lalande” was called upon to sing, the younger

lady was intended; and it was she who arose to obey the call; my

great, great, grandmother, to further the deception, arising at

the same moment and accompanying her to the piano in the main

drawing-room. Had I decided upon escorting her thither, it had

been her design to suggest the propriety of my remaining where I

was; but my own prudential views rendered this unnecessary. The

songs which I so much admired, and which so confirmed my

impression of the youth of my mistress, were executed by Madame

Stéphanie Lalande. The eyeglass was presented by way of adding a

reproof to the hoax—a sting to the epigram of the deception. Its

presentation afforded an opportunity for the lecture upon

affectation with which I was so especially edified. It is almost

superfluous to add that the glasses of the instrument, as worn by

the old lady, had been exchanged by her for a pair better adapted

to my years. They suited me, in fact, to a T.

The clergyman, who merely pretended to tie the fatal knot, was a

boon companion of Talbot’s, and no priest. He was an excellent

“whip,” however; and having doffed his cassock to put on a

great-coat, he drove the hack which conveyed the “happy couple”

out of town. Talbot took a seat at his side. The two scoundrels

were thus “in at the death,” and through a half-open window of

the back parlor of the inn, amused themselves in grinning at the

_dénouement_ of the drama. I believe I shall be forced to call

them both out.

Nevertheless, I am _not_ the husband of my great, great,

grandmother; and this is a reflection which affords me infinite

relief;—but I _am_ the husband of Madame Lalande—of Madame

Stéphanie Lalande—with whom my good old relative, besides making

me her sole heir when she dies—if she ever does—has been at the

trouble of concocting me a match. In conclusion: I am done

forever with _billets doux_, and am never to be met without

SPECTACLES.

KING PEST

A Tale Containing an Allegory.

The gods do bear and will allow in kings

The things which they abhor in rascal routes.

—_Buckhurst’s Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex._

About twelve o’clock, one night in the month of October, and

during the chivalrous reign of the third Edward, two seamen

belonging to the crew of the _>Free and Easy_, a trading schooner

plying between Sluys and the Thames, and then at anchor in that

river, were much astonished to find themselves seated in the

tap-room of an ale-house in the parish of St. Andrews,

London—which ale-house bore for sign the portraiture of a “Jolly

Tar.”

The room, although ill-contrived, smoke-blackened, low-pitched,

and in every other respect agreeing with the general character of

such places at the period—was, nevertheless, in the opinion of

the grotesque groups scattered here and there within it,

sufficiently well adapted to its purpose.

Of these groups our two seamen formed, I think, the most

interesting, if not the most conspicuous.

The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his companion

addressed by the characteristic appellation of “Legs,” was at the

same time much the taller of the two. He might have measured six

feet and a half, and an habitual stoop in the shoulders seemed to

have been the necessary consequence of an altitude so enormous.

Superfluities in height were, however, more than accounted for by

deficiencies in other respects. He was exceedingly thin; and

might, as his associates asserted, have answered, when drunk, for

a pennant at the mast-head, or, when sober, have served for a

jib-boom. But these jests, and others of a similar nature, had

evidently produced, at no time, any effect upon the cachinnatory

muscles of the tar. With high cheek-bones, a large hawk-nose,

retreating chin, fallen under-jaw, and huge protruding white

eyes, the expression of his countenance, although tinged with a

species of dogged indifference to matters and things in general,

was not the less utterly solemn and serious beyond all attempts

at imitation or description.

The younger seaman was, in all outward appearance, the converse

of his companion. His stature could not have exceeded four feet.

A pair of stumpy bow-legs supported his squat, unwieldy figure,

while his unusually short and thick arms, with no ordinary fists

at their extremities, swung off dangling from his sides like the

fins of a sea-turtle. Small eyes, of no particular color,

twinkled far back in his head. His nose remained buried in the

mass of flesh which enveloped his round, full, and purple face;

and his thick upper-lip rested upon the still thicker one beneath

with an air of complacent self-satisfaction, much heightened by

the owner’s habit of licking them at intervals. He evidently

regarded his tall shipmate with a feeling half-wondrous,

half-quizzical; and stared up occasionally in his face as the red

setting sun stares up at the crags of Ben Nevis.

Various and eventful, however, had been the peregrinations of the

worthy couple in and about the different tap-houses of the

neighbourhood during the earlier hours of the night. Funds even

the most ample, are not always everlasting: and it was with empty

pockets our friends had ventured upon the present hostelrie.

At the precise period, then, when this history properly

commences, Legs, and his fellow Hugh Tarpaulin, sat, each with

both elbows resting upon the large oaken table in the middle of

the floor, and with a hand upon either cheek. They were eyeing,

from behind a huge flagon of unpaid-for “humming-stuff,” the

portentous words, “No Chalk,” which to their indignation and

astonishment were scored over the doorway by means of that very

mineral whose presence they purported to deny. Not that the gift

of decyphering written characters—a gift among the commonalty of

that day considered little less cabalistical than the art of

inditing—could, in strict justice, have been laid to the charge

of either disciple of the sea; but there was, to say the truth, a

certain twist in the formation of the letters—an indescribable

lee-lurch about the whole—which foreboded, in the opinion of both

seamen, a long run of dirty weather; and determined them at once,

in the allegorical words of Legs himself, to “pump ship, clew up

all sail, and scud before the wind.”

Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the ale, and

looped up the points of their short doublets, they finally made a

bolt for the street. Although Tarpaulin rolled twice into the

fire-place, mistaking it for the door, yet their escape was at

length happily effected—and half after twelve o’clock found our

heroes ripe for mischief, and running for life down a dark alley

in the direction of St. Andrew’s Stair, hotly pursued by the

landlady of the “Jolly Tar.”

At the epoch of this eventful tale, and periodically, for many

years before and after, all England, but more especially the

metropolis, resounded with the fearful cry of “Plague!” The city

was in a great measure depopulated—and in those horrible regions,

in the vicinity of the Thames, where amid the dark, narrow, and

filthy lanes and alleys, the Demon of Disease was supposed to

have had his nativity, Awe, Terror, and Superstition were alone

to be found stalking abroad.

By authority of the king such districts were placed under ban,

and all persons forbidden, under pain of death, to intrude upon

their dismal solitude. Yet neither the mandate of the monarch,

nor the huge barriers erected at the entrances of the streets,

nor the prospect of that loathsome death which, with almost

absolute certainty, overwhelmed the wretch whom no peril could

deter from the adventure, prevented the unfurnished and

untenanted dwellings from being stripped, by the hand of nightly

rapine, of every article, such as iron, brass, or lead-work,

which could in any manner be turned to a profitable account.

Above all, it was usually found, upon the annual winter opening

of the barriers, that locks, bolts, and secret cellars, had

proved but slender protection to those rich stores of wines and

liquors which, in consideration of the risk and trouble of

removal, many of the numerous dealers having shops in the

neighbourhood had consented to trust, during the period of exile,

to so insufficient a security.

But there were very few of the terror-stricken people who

attributed these doings to the agency of human hands.

Pest-spirits, plague-goblins, and fever-demons, were the popular

imps of mischief; and tales so blood-chilling were hourly told,

that the whole mass of forbidden buildings was, at length,

enveloped in terror as in a shroud, and the plunderer himself was

often scared away by the horrors his own depreciations had

created; leaving the entire vast circuit of prohibited district

to gloom, silence, pestilence, and death.

It was by one of the terrific barriers already mentioned, and

which indicated the region beyond to be under the Pest-ban, that,

in scrambling down an alley, Legs and the worthy Hugh Tarpaulin

found their progress suddenly impeded. To return was out of the

question, and no time was to be lost, as their pursuers were

close upon their heels. With thorough-bred seamen to clamber up

the roughly fashioned plank-work was a trifle; and, maddened with

the twofold excitement of exercise and liquor, they leaped

unhesitatingly down within the enclosure, and holding on their

drunken course with shouts and yellings, were soon bewildered in

its noisome and intricate recesses.

Had they not, indeed, been intoxicated beyond moral sense, their

reeling footsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of their

situation. The air was cold and misty. The paving-stones,

loosened from their beds, lay in wild disorder amid the tall,

rank grass, which sprang up around the feet and ankles. Fallen

houses choked up the streets. The most fetid and poisonous smells

everywhere prevailed;—and by the aid of that ghastly light which,

even at midnight, never fails to emanate from a vapory and

pestilential atmosphere, might be discerned lying in the by-paths

and alleys, or rotting in the windowless habitations, the carcass

of many a nocturnal plunderer arrested by the hand of the plague

in the very perpetration of his robbery.

But it lay not in the power of images, or sensations, or

impediments such as these, to stay the course of men who,

naturally brave, and at that time especially, brimful of courage

and of “humming-stuff,” would have reeled, as straight as their

condition might have permitted, undauntedly into the very jaws of

Death. Onward—still onward stalked the grim Legs, making the

desolate solemnity echo and re-echo with yells like the terrific

war-whoop of the Indian; and onward, still onward rolled the

dumpy Tarpaulin, hanging on to the doublet of his more active

companion, and far surpassing the latter’s most strenuous

exertions in the way of vocal music, by bull-roarings _in basso_,

from the profundity of his stentorian lungs.

They had now evidently reached the strong hold of the pestilence.

Their way at every step or plunge grew more noisome and more

horrible—the paths more narrow and more intricate. Huge stones

and beams falling momently from the decaying roofs above them,

gave evidence, by their sullen and heavy descent, of the vast

height of the surrounding houses; and while actual exertion

became necessary to force a passage through frequent heaps of

rubbish, it was by no means seldom that the hand fell upon a

skeleton or rested upon a more fleshly corpse.

Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the entrance of a tall

and ghastly-looking building, a yell more than usually shrill

from the throat of the excited Legs, was replied to from within,

in a rapid succession of wild, laughter-like, and fiendish

shrieks. Nothing daunted at sounds which, of such a nature, at

such a time, and in such a place, might have curdled the very

blood in hearts less irrevocably on fire, the drunken couple

rushed headlong against the door, burst it open, and staggered

into the midst of things with a volley of curses.

The room within which they found themselves proved to be the shop

of an undertaker; but an open trap-door, in a corner of the floor

near the entrance, looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars,

whose depths the occasional sound of bursting bottles proclaimed

to be well stored with their appropriate contents. In the middle

of the room stood a table—in the centre of which again arose a

huge tub of what appeared to be punch. Bottles of various wines

and cordials, together with jugs, pitchers, and flagons of every

shape and quality, were scattered profusely upon the board.

Around it, upon coffin-tressels, was seated a company of six.

This company I will endeavor to delineate one by one.

Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above his

companions, sat a personage who appeared to be the president of

the table. His stature was gaunt and tall, and Legs was

confounded to behold in him a figure more emaciated than himself.

His face was as yellow as saffron—but no feature excepting one

alone, was sufficiently marked to merit a particular description.

This one consisted in a forehead so unusually and hideously

lofty, as to have the appearance of a bonnet or crown of flesh

superadded upon the natural head. His mouth was puckered and

dimpled into an expression of ghastly affability, and his eyes,

as indeed the eyes of all at table, were glazed over with the

fumes of intoxication. This gentleman was clothed from head to

foot in a richly-embroidered black silk-velvet pall, wrapped

negligently around his form after the fashion of a Spanish cloak.

His head was stuck full of sable hearse-plumes, which he nodded

to and fro with a jaunty and knowing air; and, in his right hand,

he held a huge human thigh-bone, with which he appeared to have

been just knocking down some member of the company for a song.

Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no

whit the less extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as

the person just described, she had no right to complain of his

unnatural emaciation. She was evidently in the last stage of a

dropsy; and her figure resembled nearly that of the huge puncheon

of October beer which stood, with the head driven in, close by

her side, in a corner of the chamber. Her face was exceedingly

round, red, and full; and the same peculiarity, or rather want of

peculiarity, attached itself to her countenance, which I before

mentioned in the case of the president—that is to say, only one

feature of her face was sufficiently distinguished to need a

separate characterization: indeed the acute Tarpaulin immediately

observed that the same remark might have applied to each

individual person of the party; every one of whom seemed to

possess a monopoly of some particular portion of physiognomy.

With the lady in question this portion proved to be the mouth.

Commencing at the right ear, it swept with a terrific chasm to

the left—the short pendants which she wore in either auricle

continually bobbing into the aperture. She made, however, every

exertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in a dress

consisting of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up close

under her chin, with a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.

At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared

to patronise. This delicate little creature, in the trembling of

her wasted fingers, in the livid hue of her lips, and in the

slight hectic spot which tinged her otherwise leaden complexion,

gave evident indications of a galloping consumption. An air of

extreme _haut ton_, however, pervaded her whole appearance; she

wore in a graceful and _dégagé_ manner, a large and beautiful

winding-sheet of the finest India lawn; her hair hung in ringlets

over her neck; a soft smile played about her mouth; but her nose,

extremely long, thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung down

far below her under lip, and in spite of the delicate manner in

which she now and then moved it to one side or the other with her

tongue, gave to her countenance a somewhat equivocal expression.

Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was

seated a little puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks

reposed upon the shoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders

of Oporto wine. With his arms folded, and with one bandaged leg

deposited upon the table, he seemed to think himself entitled to

some consideration. He evidently prided himself much upon every

inch of his personal appearance, but took more especial delight

in calling attention to his gaudy-colored surtout. This, to say

the truth, must have cost him no little money, and was made to

fit him exceedingly well—being fashioned from one of the

curiously embroidered silken covers appertaining to those

glorious escutcheons which, in England and elsewhere, are

customarily hung up, in some conspicuous place, upon the

dwellings of departed aristocracy.

Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a

gentleman in long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook,

in a ridiculous manner, with a fit of what Tarpaulin called “the

horrors.” His jaws, which had been newly shaved, were tightly

tied up by a bandage of muslin; and his arms being fastened in a

similar way at the wrists, prevented him from helping himself too

freely to the liquors upon the table; a precaution rendered

necessary, in the opinion of Legs, by the peculiarly sottish and

wine-bibbing cast of his visage. A pair of prodigious ears,

nevertheless, which it was no doubt found impossible to confine,

towered away into the atmosphere of the apartment, and were

occasionally pricked up in a spasm, at the sound of the drawing

of a cork.

Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularly

stiff-looking personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis,

must, to speak seriously, have felt very ill at ease in his

unaccommodating habiliments. He was habited, somewhat uniquely,

in a new and handsome mahogany coffin. Its top or head-piece

pressed upon the skull of the wearer, and extended over it in the

fashion of a hood, giving to the entire face an air of

indescribable interest. Arm-holes had been cut in the sides, for

the sake not more of elegance than of convenience; but the dress,

nevertheless, prevented its proprietor from sitting as erect as

his associates; and as he lay reclining against his tressel, at

an angle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge goggle eyes rolled

up their awful whites towards the ceiling in absolute amazement

at their own enormity.

Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used

as a drinking cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by

means of a rope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring

in the ceiling. The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck

off from the body at right angles, causing the whole loose and

rattling frame to dangle and twirl about at the caprice of every

occasional puff of wind which found its way into the apartment.

In the cranium of this hideous thing lay quantity of ignited

charcoal, which threw a fitful but vivid light over the entire

scene; while coffins, and other wares appertaining to the shop of

an undertaker, were piled high up around the room, and against

the windows, preventing any ray from escaping into the street.

At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of their still more

extraordinary paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conduct

themselves with that degree of decorum which might have been

expected. Legs, leaning against the wall near which he happened

to be standing, dropped his lower jaw still lower than usual, and

spread open his eyes to their fullest extent: while Hugh

Tarpaulin, stooping down so as to bring his nose upon a level

with the table, and spreading out a palm upon either knee, burst

into a long, loud, and obstreperous roar of very ill-timed and

immoderate laughter.

Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively

rude, the tall president smiled very graciously upon the

intruders—nodded to them in a dignified manner with his head of

sable plumes—and, arising, took each by an arm, and led him to a

seat which some others of the company had placed in the meantime

for his accommodation. Legs to all this offered not the slightest

resistance, but sat down as he was directed; while the gallant

Hugh, removing his coffin tressel from its station near the head

of the table, to the vicinity of the little consumptive lady in

the winding sheet, plumped down by her side in high glee, and

pouring out a skull of red wine, quaffed it to their better

acquaintance. But at this presumption the stiff gentleman in the

coffin seemed exceedingly nettled; and serious consequences might

have ensued, had not the president, rapping upon the table with

his truncheon, diverted the attention of all present to the

following speech:

“It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion—”

“Avast there!” interrupted Legs, looking very serious, “avast

there a bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and

what business ye have here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and

swilling the snug blue ruin stowed away for the winter by my

honest shipmate, Will Wimble, the undertaker!”

At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original

company half started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid

succession of wild fiendish shrieks which had before caught the

attention of the seamen. The president, however, was the first to

recover his composure, and at length, turning to Legs with great

dignity, recommenced:

“Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the

part of guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then

that in these dominions I am monarch, and here rule with

undivided empire under the title of ‘King Pest the First.’

“This apartment, which you no doubt profanely suppose to be the

shop of Will Wimble the undertaker—a man whom we know not, and

whose plebeian appellation has never before this night thwarted

our royal ears—this apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our

Palace, devoted to the councils of our kingdom, and to other

sacred and lofty purposes.

“The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene

Consort. The other exalted personages whom you behold are all of

our family, and wear the insignia of the blood royal under the

respective titles of ‘His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous’—‘His

Grace the Duke Pest-Ilential’—‘His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest’—and

‘Her Serene Highness the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.’

“As regards,” continued he, “your demand of the business upon

which we sit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying

that it concerns, and concerns alone, our own private and regal

interest, and is in no manner important to any other than

ourself. But in consideration of those rights to which as guests

and strangers you may feel yourselves entitled, we will

furthermore explain that we are here this night, prepared by deep

research and accurate investigation, to examine, analyze, and

thoroughly determine the indefinable spirit—the incomprehensible

qualities and nature—of those inestimable treasures of the

palate, the wines, ales, and liqueurs of this goodly metropolis:

by so doing to advance not more our own designs than the true

welfare of that unearthly sovereign whose reign is over us all,

whose dominions are unlimited, and whose name is ‘Death’.”

“Whose name is Davy Jones!” ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the

lady by his side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second

for himself.

“Profane varlet!” said the president, now turning his attention

to the worthy Hugh, “profane and execrable wretch!—we have said,

that in consideration of those rights which, even in thy filthy

person, we feel no inclination to violate, we have condescended

to make reply to thy rude and unseasonable inquiries. We

nevertheless, for your unhallowed intrusion upon our councils,

believe it our duty to mulct thee and thy companion in each a

gallon of Black Strap—having imbibed which to the prosperity of

our kingdom—at a single draught—and upon your bended knees—ye

shall be forthwith free either to proceed upon your way, or

remain and be admitted to the privileges of our table, according

to your respective and individual pleasures.”

“It would be a matter of utter impossibility,” replied Legs, whom

the assumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently

inspired some feelings of respect, and who arose and steadied

himself by the table as he spoke—“it would, please your majesty,

be a matter of utter impossibility to stow away in my hold even

one-fourth part of the same liquor which your majesty has just

mentioned. To say nothing of the stuffs placed on board in the

forenoon by way of ballast, and not to mention the various ales

and liqueurs shipped this evening at different sea-ports, I have,

at present, a full cargo of ‘humming-stuff’ taken in and duly

paid for at the sign of the ‘Jolly Tar.’ You will, therefore,

please your majesty, be so good as to take the will for the

deed—for by no manner of means either can I or will I swallow

another drop—least of all a drop of that villainous bilge-water

that answers to the name of ‘Black Strap.’”

“Belay that!” interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not more at the

length of his companion’s speech than at the nature of his

refusal—“Belay that you lubber!—and I say, Legs, none of your

palaver! _My_ hull is still light, although I confess you

yourself seem to be a little top-heavy; and as for the matter of

your share of the cargo, why rather than raise a squall I would

find stowage-room for it myself, but—”

“This proceeding,” interposed the president, “is by no means in

accordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in

its nature Median, and not to be altered or recalled. The

conditions we have imposed must be fulfilled to the letter, and

that without a moment’s hesitation—in failure of which fulfilment

we decree that you do here be tied neck and heels together, and

duly drowned as rebels in yon hogshead of October beer!”

“A sentence!—a sentence!—a righteous and just sentence!—a

glorious decree!—a most worthy and upright, and holy

condemnation!” shouted the Pest family altogether. The king

elevated his forehead into innumerable wrinkles; the gouty little

old man puffed like a pair of bellows; the lady of the winding

sheet waved her nose to and fro; the gentleman in the cotton

drawers pricked up his ears; she of the shroud gasped like a

dying fish; and he of the coffin looked stiff and rolled up his

eyes.

“Ugh! ugh! ugh!” chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the general

excitation, “ugh! ugh! ugh!—ugh! ugh! ugh!—ugh! ugh! ugh!—I was

saying,” said he, “I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in his

marlin-spike, that as for the matter of two or three gallons more

or less of Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like

myself not overstowed—but when it comes to drinking the health of

the Devil (whom God assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow

bones to his ill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I

know myself to be a sinner, to be nobody in the whole world, but

Tim Hurlygurly the stage-player!—why! it’s quite another guess

sort of a thing, and utterly and altogether past my

comprehension.”

He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the

name Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name

seats.

“Treason!” shouted his Majesty King Pest the First.

“Treason!” said the little man with the gout.

“Treason!” screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.

“Treason!” muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.

“Treason!” growled he of the coffin.

“Treason! treason!” shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and,

seizing by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate

Tarpaulin, who had just commenced pouring out for himself a skull

of liqueur, she lifted him high into the air, and let him fall

without ceremony into the huge open puncheon of his beloved ale.

Bobbing up and down, for a few seconds, like an apple in a bowl

of toddy, he, at length, finally disappeared amid the whirlpool

of foam which, in the already effervescent liquor, his struggles

easily succeeded in creating.

Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture

of his companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the

valiant Legs slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and

strode towards the centre of the room. Here tearing down the

skeleton which swung over the table, he laid it about him with so

much energy and good will, that, as the last glimpses of light

died away within the apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the

brains of the little gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with

all his force against the fatal hogshead full of October ale and

Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it over and over in an instant. Out

burst a deluge of liquor so fierce—so impetuous—so

overwhelming—that the room was flooded from wall to wall—the

loaded table was overturned—the tressels were thrown upon their

backs—the tub of punch into the fire-place—and the ladies into

hysterics. Piles of death-furniture floundered about. Jugs,

pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in the _mêlée_, and

wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of junk. The

man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot—the little stiff

gentleman floated off in his coffin—and the victorious Legs,

seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud, rushed out with

her into the street, and made a bee-line for the _Free and Easy_,

followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin, who,

having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him

with the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.

THREE SUNDAYS IN A WEEK

“You hard-headed, dunder-headed, obstinate, rusty, crusty, musty,

fusty, old savage!” said I, in fancy, one afternoon, to my grand

uncle Rumgudgeon—shaking my fist at him in imagination.

Only in imagination. The fact is, some trivial discrepancy _did_

exist, just then, between what I said and what I had not the

courage to say—between what I did and what I had half a mind to

do.

The old porpoise, as I opened the drawing-room door, was sitting

with his feet upon the mantel-piece, and a bumper of port in his

paw, making strenuous efforts to accomplish the ditty.

Remplis ton verre vide!

Vide ton verre plein!

“My _dear_ uncle,” said I, closing the door gently, and

approaching him with the blandest of smiles, “you are always so

very kind and considerate, and have evinced your benevolence in

so many—so very many ways—that—that I feel I have only to suggest

this little point to you once more to make sure of your full

acquiescence.”

“Hem!” said he, “good boy! go on!”

“I am sure, my dearest uncle (you confounded old rascal!), that

you have no design really, seriously, to oppose my union with

Kate. This is merely a joke of yours, I know—ha! ha! ha!—how very

pleasant you are at times.”

“Ha! ha! ha!” said he, “curse you! yes!”

“To be sure—of course! I knew you were jesting. Now, uncle, all

that Kate and myself wish at present, is that you would oblige us

with your advice as—as regards the time—you know, uncle—in short,

when will it be most convenient for yourself, that the wedding

shall—shall—come off, you know?”

“Come off, you scoundrel!—what do you mean by that?—Better wait

till it goes on.”

“Ha! ha! ha!—he! he! he!—hi! hi! hi!—ho! ho! ho!—hu! hu! hu!—oh,

that’s good!—oh, that’s capital—_such_ a wit! But all we want

just _now_, you know, uncle, is that you would indicate the time

precisely.”

“Ah!—precisely?”

“Yes, uncle—that is, if it would be quite agreeable to yourself.”

“Wouldn’t it answer, Bobby, if I were to leave it at random—some

time within a year or so, for example?—_must_ I say precisely?”

“_If_ you please, uncle—precisely.”

“Well, then, Bobby, my boy—you’re a fine fellow, aren’t

you?—since you _will_ have the exact time I’ll—why I’ll oblige

you for once.”

“Dear uncle!”

“Hush, sir!” (drowning my voice)—“I’ll oblige you for once. You

shall have my consent—and the _plum_, we mus’n’t forget the

plum—let me see! when shall it be? To-day’s Sunday—isn’t it?

Well, then, you shall be married precisely—_precisely_, now

mind!—_when three Sundays come together in a week!_ Do you hear

me, sir! _What_ are you gaping at? I say, you shall have Kate and

her plum when three Sundays come together in a week—but not

_till_ then—you young scapegrace—not _till_ then, if I die for

it. You know me—_I’m a man of my word_—now be off!” Here he

swallowed his bumper of port, while I rushed from the room in

despair.

A very “fine old English gentleman,” was my grand-uncle

Rumgudgeon, but unlike him of the song, he had his weak points.

He was a little, pursy, pompous, passionate semicircular

somebody, with a red nose, a thick skull, a long purse, and a

strong sense of his own consequence. With the best heart in the

world, he contrived, through a predominant whim of contradiction,

to earn for himself, among those who only knew him superficially,

the character of a curmudgeon. Like many excellent people, he

seemed possessed with a spirit of tantalization, which might

easily, at a casual glance, have been mistaken for malevolence.

To every request, a positive “No!” was his immediate answer; but

in the end—in the long, long end—there were exceedingly few

requests which he refused. Against all attacks upon his purse he

made the most sturdy defence; but the amount extorted from him,

at last, was generally in direct ratio with the length of the

siege and the stubbornness of the resistance. In charity no one

gave more liberally or with a worse grace.

For the fine arts, and especially for the belles-lettres, he

entertained a profound contempt. With this he had been inspired

by Casimir Perier, whose pert little query “A quoi un poete est

il bon?” he was in the habit of quoting, with a very droll

pronunciation, as the ne plus ultra of logical wit. Thus my own

inkling for the Muses had excited his entire displeasure. He

assured me one day, when I asked him for a new copy of Horace,

that the translation of “Poeta nascitur non fit” was “a nasty

poet for nothing fit”—a remark which I took in high dudgeon. His

repugnance to “the humanities” had, also, much increased of late,

by an accidental bias in favor of what he supposed to be natural

science. Somebody had accosted him in the street, mistaking him

for no less a personage than Doctor Dubble L. Dee, the lecturer

upon quack physics. This set him off at a tangent; and just at

the epoch of this story—for story it is getting to be after

all—my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon was accessible and pacific only

upon points which happened to chime in with the caprioles of the

hobby he was riding. For the rest, he laughed with his arms and

legs, and his politics were stubborn and easily understood. He

thought, with Horsley, that “the people have nothing to do with

the laws but to obey them.”

I had lived with the old gentleman all my life. My parents, in

dying, had bequeathed me to him as a rich legacy. I believe the

old villain loved me as his own child—nearly if not quite as well

as he loved Kate—but it was a dog’s existence that he led me,

after all. From my first year until my fifth, he obliged me with

very regular floggings. From five to fifteen, he threatened me,

hourly, with the House of Correction. From fifteen to twenty, not

a day passed in which he did not promise to cut me off with a

shilling. I was a sad dog, it is true—but then it was a part of

my nature—a point of my faith. In Kate, however, I had a firm

friend, and I knew it. She was a good girl, and told me very

sweetly that I might have her (plum and all) whenever I could

badger my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon, into the necessary consent.

Poor girl!—she was barely fifteen, and without this consent, her

little amount in the funds was not come-at-able until five

immeasurable summers had “dragged their slow length along.” What,

then, to do? At fifteen, or even at twenty-one (for I had now

passed my fifth olympiad) five years in prospect are very much

the same as five hundred. In vain we besieged the old gentleman

with importunities. Here was a piece de resistance (as Messieurs

Ude and Careme would say) which suited his perverse fancy to a T.

It would have stiffed the indignation of Job himself, to see how

much like an old mouser he behaved to us two poor wretched little

mice. In his heart he wished for nothing more ardently than our

union. He had made up his mind to this all along. In fact, he

would have given ten thousand pounds from his own pocket (Kate’s

plum was her own) if he could have invented any thing like an

excuse for complying with our very natural wishes. But then we

had been so imprudent as to broach the subject ourselves. Not to

oppose it under such circumstances, I sincerely believe, was not

in his power.

I have said already that he had his weak points; but in speaking

of these, I must not be understood as referring to his obstinacy:

which was one of his strong points—“assurement ce n’ etait pas sa

foible.” When I mention his weakness I have allusion to a bizarre

old-womanish superstition which beset him. He was great in

dreams, portents, et id genus omne of rigmarole. He was

excessively punctilious, too, upon small points of honor, and,

after his own fashion, was a man of his word, beyond doubt. This

was, in fact, one of his hobbies. The spirit of his vows he made

no scruple of setting at naught, but the letter was a bond

inviolable. Now it was this latter peculiarity in his

disposition, of which Kate’s ingenuity enabled us one fine day,

not long after our interview in the dining-room, to take a very

unexpected advantage, and, having thus, in the fashion of all

modern bards and orators, exhausted in prolegomena, all the time

at my command, and nearly all the room at my disposal, I will sum

up in a few words what constitutes the whole pith of the story.

It happened then—so the Fates ordered it—that among the naval

acquaintances of my betrothed, were two gentlemen who had just

set foot upon the shores of England, after a year’s absence,

each, in foreign travel. In company with these gentlemen, my

cousin and I, preconcertedly paid uncle Rumgudgeon a visit on the

afternoon of Sunday, October the tenth,—just three weeks after

the memorable decision which had so cruelly defeated our hopes.

For about half an hour the conversation ran upon ordinary topics,

but at last, we contrived, quite naturally, to give it the

following turn:

CAPT. PRATT. “Well I have been absent just one year.—Just one

year to-day, as I live—let me see! yes!—this is October the

tenth. You remember, Mr. Rumgudgeon, I called, this day year to

bid you good-bye. And by the way, it does seem something like a

coincidence, does it not—that our friend, Captain Smitherton,

here, has been absent exactly a year also—a year to-day!”

SMITHERTON. “Yes! just one year to a fraction. You will remember,

Mr. Rumgudgeon, that I called with Capt. Pratol on this very day,

last year, to pay my parting respects.”

UNCLE. “Yes, yes, yes—I remember it very well—very queer indeed!

Both of you gone just one year. A very strange coincidence,

indeed! Just what Doctor Dubble L. Dee would denominate an

extraordinary concurrence of events. Doctor Dub—”

KATE. (Interrupting.) “To be sure, papa, it is something strange;

but then Captain Pratt and Captain Smitherton didn’t go

altogether the same route, and that makes a difference, you

know.”

UNCLE. “I don’t know any such thing, you huzzy! How should I? I

think it only makes the matter more remarkable, Doctor Dubble L.

Dee—”

KATE. “Why, papa, Captain Pratt went round Cape Horn, and Captain

Smitherton doubled the Cape of Good Hope.”

UNCLE. “Precisely!—the one went east and the other went west, you

jade, and they both have gone quite round the world. By the by,

Doctor Dubble L. Dee—”

MYSELF. (Hurriedly.) “Captain Pratt, you must come and spend the

evening with us to-morrow—you and Smitherton—you can tell us all

about your voyage, and we’ll have a game of whist and—”

PRATT. “Wist, my dear fellow—you forget. To-morrow will be

Sunday. Some other evening—”

KATE. “Oh, no, fie!—Robert’s not quite so bad as that. To-day’s

Sunday.”

PRATT. “I beg both your pardons—but I can’t be so much mistaken.

I know to-morrow’s Sunday, because-”

SMITHERTON. (Much surprised.) “What are you all thinking about?

Wasn’t yesterday, Sunday, I should like to know?”

ALL. “Yesterday indeed! you are out!”

UNCLE. “To-day’s Sunday, I say—don’t I know?”

PRATT. “Oh no!—to-morrow’s Sunday.”

SMITHERTON. “You are all mad—every one of you. I am as positive

that yesterday was Sunday as I am that I sit upon this chair.”

KATE. (Jumping up eagerly.) “I see it—I see it all. Papa, this is

a judgment upon you, about—about you know what. Let me alone, and

I’ll explain it all in a minute. It’s a very simple thing,

indeed. Captain Smitherton says that yesterday was Sunday: so it

was; he is right. Cousin Bobby, and uncle and I say that to-day

is Sunday: so it is; we are right. Captain Pratt maintains that

to-morrow will be Sunday: so it will; he is right, too. The fact

is, we are all right, and thus three Sundays have come together

in a week.”

SMITHERTON. (After a pause.) “By the by, Pratt, Kate has us

completely. What fools we two are! Mr. Rumgudgeon, the matter

stands thus: the earth, you know, is twenty-four thousand miles

in circumference. Now this globe of the earth turns upon its own

axis—revolves—spins round—these twenty-four thousand miles of

extent, going from west to east, in precisely twenty-four hours.

Do you understand, Mr. Rumgudgeon?—”

UNCLE. “To be sure—to be sure—Doctor Dub—”

SMITHERTON. (Drowning his voice.) “Well, sir; that is at the rate

of one thousand miles per hour. Now, suppose that I sail from

this position a thousand miles east. Of course I anticipate the

rising of the sun here at London by just one hour. I see the sun

rise one hour before you do. Proceeding, in the same direction,

yet another thousand miles, I anticipate the rising by two

hours—another thousand, and I anticipate it by three hours, and

so on, until I go entirely round the globe, and back to this

spot, when, having gone twenty-four thousand miles east, I

anticipate the rising of the London sun by no less than

twenty-four hours; that is to say, I am a day in advance of your

time. Understand, eh?”

UNCLE. “But Double L. Dee—”

SMITHERTON. (Speaking very loud.) “Captain Pratt, on the

contrary, when he had sailed a thousand miles west of this

position, was an hour, and when he had sailed twenty-four

thousand miles west, was twenty-four hours, or one day, behind

the time at London. Thus, with me, yesterday was Sunday—thus,

with you, to-day is Sunday—and thus, with Pratt, to-morrow will

be Sunday. And what is more, Mr. Rumgudgeon, it is positively

clear that we are all right; for there can be no philosophical

reason assigned why the idea of one of us should have preference

over that of the other.”

UNCLE. “My eyes!—well, Kate—well, Bobby!—this is a judgment upon

me, as you say. But I am a man of my word—mark that! you shall

have her, boy, (plum and all), when you please. Done up, by Jove!

Three Sundays all in a row! I’ll go, and take Dubble L. Dee’s

opinion upon that.”

Volume 4. Volume 4

THE DEVIL IN THE BELFRY

What o’clock is it?—_Old Saying_.

Everybody knows, in a general way, that the finest place in the

world is—or, alas, _was_—the Dutch borough of

Vondervotteimittiss. Yet as it lies some distance from any of the

main roads, being in a somewhat out-of-the-way situation, there

are perhaps very few of my readers who have ever paid it a visit.

For the benefit of those who have not, therefore, it will be only

proper that I should enter into some account of it. And this is

indeed the more necessary, as with the hope of enlisting public

sympathy in behalf of the inhabitants, I design here to give a

history of the calamitous events which have so lately occurred

within its limits. No one who knows me will doubt that the duty

thus self-imposed will be executed to the best of my ability,

with all that rigid impartiality, all that cautious examination

into facts, and diligent collation of authorities, which should

ever distinguish him who aspires to the title of historian.

By the united aid of medals, manuscripts, and inscriptions, I am

enabled to say, positively, that the borough of

Vondervotteimittiss has existed, from its origin, in precisely

the same condition which it at present preserves. Of the date of

this origin, however, I grieve that I can only speak with that

species of indefinite definiteness which mathematicians are, at

times, forced to put up with in certain algebraic formulae. The

date, I may thus say, in regard to the remoteness of its

antiquity, cannot be less than any assignable quantity

whatsoever.

Touching the derivation of the name Vondervotteimittiss, I

confess myself, with sorrow, equally at fault. Among a multitude

of opinions upon this delicate point—some acute, some learned,

some sufficiently the reverse—I am able to select nothing which

ought to be considered satisfactory. Perhaps the idea of

Grogswigg—nearly coincident with that of Kroutaplenttey—is to be

cautiously preferred.—It runs:—“Vondervotteimittis—Vonder, lege

Donder—Votteimittis, quasi und Bleitziz—Bleitziz obsol:—pro

Blitzen.” This derivative, to say the truth, is still

countenanced by some traces of the electric fluid evident on the

summit of the steeple of the House of the Town-Council. I do not

choose, however, to commit myself on a theme of such importance,

and must refer the reader desirous of information to the

“Oratiunculae de Rebus Praeter-Veteris,” of Dundergutz. See,

also, Blunderbuzzard “De Derivationibus,” pp. 27 to 5010, Folio,

Gothic edit., Red and Black character, Catch-word and No Cypher;

wherein consult, also, marginal notes in the autograph of

Stuffundpuff, with the Sub-Commentaries of Gruntundguzzell.

Notwithstanding the obscurity which thus envelops the date of the

foundation of Vondervotteimittis, and the derivation of its name,

there can be no doubt, as I said before, that it has always

existed as we find it at this epoch. The oldest man in the

borough can remember not the slightest difference in the

appearance of any portion of it; and, indeed, the very suggestion

of such a possibility is considered an insult. The site of the

village is in a perfectly circular valley, about a quarter of a

mile in circumference, and entirely surrounded by gentle hills,

over whose summit the people have never yet ventured to pass. For

this they assign the very good reason that they do not believe

there is anything at all on the other side.

Round the skirts of the valley (which is quite level, and paved

throughout with flat tiles), extends a continuous row of sixty

little houses. These, having their backs on the hills, must look,

of course, to the centre of the plain, which is just sixty yards

from the front door of each dwelling. Every house has a small

garden before it, with a circular path, a sun-dial, and

twenty-four cabbages. The buildings themselves are so precisely

alike, that one can in no manner be distinguished from the other.

Owing to the vast antiquity, the style of architecture is

somewhat odd, but it is not for that reason the less strikingly

picturesque. They are fashioned of hard-burned little bricks,

red, with black ends, so that the walls look like a chess-board

upon a great scale. The gables are turned to the front, and there

are cornices, as big as all the rest of the house, over the eaves

and over the main doors. The windows are narrow and deep, with

very tiny panes and a great deal of sash. On the roof is a vast

quantity of tiles with long curly ears. The woodwork, throughout,

is of a dark hue and there is much carving about it, with but a

trifling variety of pattern for, time out of mind, the carvers of

Vondervotteimittiss have never been able to carve more than two

objects—a time-piece and a cabbage. But these they do exceedingly

well, and intersperse them, with singular ingenuity, wherever

they find room for the chisel.

The dwellings are as much alike inside as out, and the furniture

is all upon one plan. The floors are of square tiles, the chairs

and tables of black-looking wood with thin crooked legs and puppy

feet. The mantelpieces are wide and high, and have not only

time-pieces and cabbages sculptured over the front, but a real

time-piece, which makes a prodigious ticking, on the top in the

middle, with a flower-pot containing a cabbage standing on each

extremity by way of outrider. Between each cabbage and the

time-piece, again, is a little China man having a large stomach

with a great round hole in it, through which is seen the

dial-plate of a watch.

The fireplaces are large and deep, with fierce crooked-looking

fire-dogs. There is constantly a rousing fire, and a huge pot

over it, full of sauer-kraut and pork, to which the good woman of

the house is always busy in attending. She is a little fat old

lady, with blue eyes and a red face, and wears a huge cap like a

sugar-loaf, ornamented with purple and yellow ribbons. Her dress

is of orange-colored linsey-woolsey, made very full behind and

very short in the waist—and indeed very short in other respects,

not reaching below the middle of her leg. This is somewhat thick,

and so are her ankles, but she has a fine pair of green stockings

to cover them. Her shoes—of pink leather—are fastened each with a

bunch of yellow ribbons puckered up in the shape of a cabbage. In

her left hand she has a little heavy Dutch watch; in her right

she wields a ladle for the sauerkraut and pork. By her side there

stands a fat tabby cat, with a gilt toy-repeater tied to its

tail, which “the boys” have there fastened by way of a quiz.

The boys themselves are, all three of them, in the garden

attending the pig. They are each two feet in height. They have

three-cornered cocked hats, purple waistcoats reaching down to

their thighs, buckskin knee-breeches, red stockings, heavy shoes

with big silver buckles, long surtout coats with large buttons of

mother-of-pearl. Each, too, has a pipe in his mouth, and a little

dumpy watch in his right hand. He takes a puff and a look, and

then a look and a puff. The pig—which is corpulent and lazy—is

occupied now in picking up the stray leaves that fall from the

cabbages, and now in giving a kick behind at the gilt repeater,

which the urchins have also tied to his tail in order to make him

look as handsome as the cat.

Right at the front door, in a high-backed leather-bottomed armed

chair, with crooked legs and puppy feet like the tables, is

seated the old man of the house himself. He is an exceedingly

puffy little old gentleman, with big circular eyes and a huge

double chin. His dress resembles that of the boys—and I need say

nothing farther about it. All the difference is, that his pipe is

somewhat bigger than theirs and he can make a greater smoke. Like

them, he has a watch, but he carries his watch in his pocket. To

say the truth, he has something of more importance than a watch

to attend to—and what that is, I shall presently explain. He sits

with his right leg upon his left knee, wears a grave countenance,

and always keeps one of his eyes, at least, resolutely bent upon

a certain remarkable object in the centre of the plain.

This object is situated in the steeple of the House of the Town

Council. The Town Council are all very little, round, oily,

intelligent men, with big saucer eyes and fat double chins, and

have their coats much longer and their shoe-buckles much bigger

than the ordinary inhabitants of Vondervotteimittiss. Since my

sojourn in the borough, they have had several special meetings,

and have adopted these three important resolutions:

“That it is wrong to alter the good old course of things:”

“That there is nothing tolerable out of Vondervotteimittiss:”

and—

“That we will stick by our clocks and our cabbages.”

Above the session-room of the Council is the steeple, and in the

steeple is the belfry, where exists, and has existed time out of

mind, the pride and wonder of the village—the great clock of the

borough of Vondervotteimittiss. And this is the object to which

the eyes of the old gentlemen are turned who sit in the

leather-bottomed arm-chairs.

The great clock has seven faces—one in each of the seven sides of

the steeple—so that it can be readily seen from all quarters. Its

faces are large and white, and its hands heavy and black. There

is a belfry-man whose sole duty is to attend to it; but this duty

is the most perfect of sinecures—for the clock of

Vondervotteimittis was never yet known to have anything the

matter with it. Until lately, the bare supposition of such a

thing was considered heretical. From the remotest period of

antiquity to which the archives have reference, the hours have

been regularly struck by the big bell. And, indeed the case was

just the same with all the other clocks and watches in the

borough. Never was such a place for keeping the true time. When

the large clapper thought proper to say “Twelve o’clock!” all its

obedient followers opened their throats simultaneously, and

responded like a very echo. In short, the good burghers were fond

of their sauer-kraut, but then they were proud of their clocks.

All people who hold sinecure offices are held in more or less

respect, and as the belfry—man of Vondervotteimittiss has the

most perfect of sinecures, he is the most perfectly respected of

any man in the world. He is the chief dignitary of the borough,

and the very pigs look up to him with a sentiment of reverence.

His coat-tail is very far longer—his pipe, his shoe-buckles, his

eyes, and his stomach, very far bigger—than those of any other

old gentleman in the village; and as to his chin, it is not only

double, but triple.

I have thus painted the happy estate of Vondervotteimittiss:

alas, that so fair a picture should ever experience a reverse!

There has been long a saying among the wisest inhabitants, that

“no good can come from over the hills”; and it really seemed that

the words had in them something of the spirit of prophecy. It

wanted five minutes of noon, on the day before yesterday, when

there appeared a very odd-looking object on the summit of the

ridge of the eastward. Such an occurrence, of course, attracted

universal attention, and every little old gentleman who sat in a

leather-bottomed arm-chair turned one of his eyes with a stare of

dismay upon the phenomenon, still keeping the other upon the

clock in the steeple.

By the time that it wanted only three minutes to noon, the droll

object in question was perceived to be a very diminutive

foreign-looking young man. He descended the hills at a great

rate, so that every body had soon a good look at him. He was

really the most finicky little personage that had ever been seen

in Vondervotteimittiss. His countenance was of a dark

snuff-color, and he had a long hooked nose, pea eyes, a wide

mouth, and an excellent set of teeth, which latter he seemed

anxious of displaying, as he was grinning from ear to ear. What

with mustachios and whiskers, there was none of the rest of his

face to be seen. His head was uncovered, and his hair neatly done

up in papillotes. His dress was a tight-fitting swallow-tailed

black coat (from one of whose pockets dangled a vast length of

white handkerchief), black kerseymere knee-breeches, black

stockings, and stumpy-looking pumps, with huge bunches of black

satin ribbon for bows. Under one arm he carried a huge

_chapeau-de-bras_, and under the other a fiddle nearly five times

as big as himself. In his left hand was a gold snuff-box, from

which, as he capered down the hill, cutting all manner of

fantastic steps, he took snuff incessantly with an air of the

greatest possible self-satisfaction. God bless me!—here was a

sight for the honest burghers of Vondervotteimittiss!

To speak plainly, the fellow had, in spite of his grinning, an

audacious and sinister kind of face; and as he curvetted right

into the village, the old stumpy appearance of his pumps excited

no little suspicion; and many a burgher who beheld him that day

would have given a trifle for a peep beneath the white cambric

handkerchief which hung so obtrusively from the pocket of his

swallow-tailed coat. But what mainly occasioned a righteous

indignation was, that the scoundrelly popinjay, while he cut a

fandango here, and a whirligig there, did not seem to have the

remotest idea in the world of such a thing as keeping time in his

steps.

The good people of the borough had scarcely a chance, however, to

get their eyes thoroughly open, when, just as it wanted half a

minute of noon, the rascal bounced, as I say, right into the

midst of them; gave a _chassez_ here, and a _balancez_ there; and

then, after a _pirouette_ and a _pas-de-zephyr_, pigeon-winged

himself right up into the belfry of the House of the Town

Council, where the wonder-stricken belfry-man sat smoking in a

state of dignity and dismay. But the little chap seized him at

once by the nose; gave it a swing and a pull; clapped the big

_chapeau-de-bras_ upon his head; knocked it down over his eyes

and mouth; and then, lifting up the big fiddle, beat him with it

so long and so soundly, that what with the belfry-man being so

fat, and the fiddle being so hollow, you would have sworn that

there was a regiment of double-bass drummers all beating the

devil’s tattoo up in the belfry of the steeple of

Vondervotteimittiss.

There is no knowing to what desperate act of vengeance this

unprincipled attack might have aroused the inhabitants, but for

the important fact that it now wanted only half a second of noon.

The bell was about to strike, and it was a matter of absolute and

pre-eminent necessity that every body should look well at his

watch. It was evident, however, that just at this moment the

fellow in the steeple was doing something that he had no business

to do with the clock. But as it now began to strike, nobody had

any time to attend to his manœuvres, for they had all to count

the strokes of the bell as it sounded.

“One!” said the clock.

“Von!” echoed every little old gentleman in every

leather-bottomed arm-chair in Vondervotteimittiss. “Von!” said

his watch also; “von!” said the watch of his vrow; and “von!”

said the watches of the boys, and the little gilt repeaters on

the tails of the cat and pig.

“Two!” continued the big bell; and

“Doo!” repeated all the repeaters.

“Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!” said the bell.

“Dree! Vour! Fibe! Sax! Seben! Aight! Noin! Den!” answered the

others.

“Eleven!” said the big one.

“Eleben!” assented the little ones.

“Twelve!” said the bell.

“Dvelf!” they replied perfectly satisfied, and dropping their

voices.

“Und dvelf it is!” said all the little old gentlemen, putting up

their watches. But the big bell had not done with them yet.

“Thirteen!” said he.

“Der Teufel!” gasped the little old gentlemen, turning pale,

dropping their pipes, and putting down all their right legs from

over their left knees.

“Der Teufel!” groaned they, “Dirteen! Dirteen!!—Mein Gott, it is

Dirteen o’clock!!”

Why attempt to describe the terrible scene which ensued? All

Vondervotteimittiss flew at once into a lamentable state of

uproar.

“Vot is cum’d to mein pelly?” roared all the boys—“I’ve been

ongry for dis hour!”

“Vot is com’d to mein kraut?” screamed all the vrows, “It has

been done to rags for this hour!”

“Vot is cum’d to mein pipe?” swore all the little old gentlemen,

“Donder and Blitzen; it has been smoked out for dis hour!”—and

they filled them up again in a great rage, and sinking back in

their arm-chairs, puffed away so fast and so fiercely that the

whole valley was immediately filled with impenetrable smoke.

Meantime the cabbages all turned very red in the face, and it

seemed as if old Nick himself had taken possession of every thing

in the shape of a timepiece. The clocks carved upon the furniture

took to dancing as if bewitched, while those upon the

mantel-pieces could scarcely contain themselves for fury, and

kept such a continual striking of thirteen, and such a frisking

and wriggling of their pendulums as was really horrible to see.

But, worse than all, neither the cats nor the pigs could put up

any longer with the behavior of the little repeaters tied to

their tails, and resented it by scampering all over the place,

scratching and poking, and squeaking and screeching, and

caterwauling and squalling, and flying into the faces, and

running under the petticoats of the people, and creating

altogether the most abominable din and confusion which it is

possible for a reasonable person to conceive. And to make matters

still more distressing, the rascally little scape-grace in the

steeple was evidently exerting himself to the utmost. Every now

and then one might catch a glimpse of the scoundrel through the

smoke. There he sat in the belfry upon the belfry-man, who was

lying flat upon his back. In his teeth the villain held the

bell-rope, which he kept jerking about with his head, raising

such a clatter that my ears ring again even to think of it. On

his lap lay the big fiddle, at which he was scraping, out of all

time and tune, with both hands, making a great show, the

nincompoop! of playing “Judy O’Flannagan and Paddy O’Rafferty.”

Affairs being thus miserably situated, I left the place in

disgust, and now appeal for aid to all lovers of correct time and

fine kraut. Let us proceed in a body to the borough, and restore

the ancient order of things in Vondervotteimittiss by ejecting

that little fellow from the steeple.

LIONIZING

—— all people went

Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.

—_Bishop Hall’s Satires_.

I am—that is to say I was—a great man; but I am neither the

author of Junius nor the man in the mask; for my name, I believe,

is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in the city of

Fum-Fudge.

The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with

both hands. My mother saw this and called me a genius—my father

wept for joy and presented me with a treatise on Nosology. This I

mastered before I was breeched.

I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to

understand that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently

conspicuous, he might, by merely following it, arrive at a

Lionship. But my attention was not confined to theories alone.

Every morning I gave my proboscis a couple of pulls and swallowed

a half dozen of drams.

When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step

with him into his study.

“My son,” said he, when we were seated, “what is the chief end of

your existence?”

“My father,” I answered, “it is the study of Nosology.”

“And what, Robert,” he inquired, “is Nosology?”

“Sir,” I said, “it is the science of Noses.”

“And can you tell me,” he demanded, “what is the meaning of a

nose?”

“A nose, my father;” I replied, greatly softened, “has been

variously defined by about a thousand different authors.” [Here I

pulled out my watch.] “It is now noon or thereabouts—we shall

have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To

commence then:—The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that

protuberance—that bump—that excrescence—that—”

“Will do, Robert,” interrupted the good old gentleman. “I am

thunderstruck at the extent of your information—I am

positively—upon my soul.” [Here he closed his eyes and placed his

hand upon his heart.] “Come here!” [Here he took me by the arm.]

“Your education may now be considered as finished—it is high time

you should scuffle for yourself—and you cannot do a better thing

than merely follow your nose—so—so—so—” [Here he kicked me

downstairs and out of the door.]—“so get out of my house, and God

bless you!”

As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this

accident rather fortunate than otherwise. I resolved to be guided

by the paternal advice. I determined to follow my nose. I gave it

a pull or two upon the spot, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology

forthwith.

All Fum-Fudge was in an uproar.

“Wonderful genius!” said the Quarterly.

“Superb physiologist!” said the Westminster.

“Clever fellow!” said the Foreign.

“Fine writer!” said the Edinburgh.

“Profound thinker!” said the Dublin.

“Great man!” said Bentley.

“Divine soul!” said Fraser.

“One of us!” said Blackwood.

“Who can he be?” said Mrs. Bas-Bleu.

“What can he be?” said big Miss Bas-Bleu.

“Where can he be?” said little Miss Bas-Bleu.—But I paid these

people no attention whatever—I just stepped into the shop of an

artist.

The Duchess of Bless-my-Soul was sitting for her portrait; the

Marquis of So-and-So was holding the Duchess’ poodle; the Earl of

This-and-That was flirting with her salts; and his Royal Highness

of Touch-me-Not was leaning upon the back of her chair.

I approached the artist and turned up my nose.

“Oh, beautiful!” sighed her Grace.

“Oh my!” lisped the Marquis.

“Oh, shocking!” groaned the Earl.

“Oh, abominable!” growled his Royal Highness.

“What will you take for it?” asked the artist.

“For his nose!” shouted her Grace.

“A thousand pounds,” said I, sitting down.

“A thousand pounds?” inquired the artist, musingly.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“Beautiful!” said he, entranced.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“Do you warrant it?” he asked, turning the nose to the light.

“I do,” said I, blowing it well.

“Is it quite original?” he inquired; touching it with reverence.

“Humph!” said I, twisting it to one side.

“Has no copy been taken?” he demanded, surveying it through a

microscope.

“None,” said I, turning it up.

“Admirable!” he ejaculated, thrown quite off his guard by the

beauty of the manœuvre.

“A thousand pounds,” said I.

“A thousand pounds?” said he.

“Precisely,” said I.

“A thousand pounds?” said he.

“Just so,” said I.

“You shall have them,” said he. “What a piece of virtu!” So he

drew me a check upon the spot, and took a sketch of my nose. I

engaged rooms in Jermyn street, and sent her Majesty the

ninety-ninth edition of the “Nosology,” with a portrait of the

proboscis.—That sad little rake, the Prince of Wales, invited me

to dinner.

We were all lions and _recherchés_.

There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, Iamblicus,

Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus Tyrius, and Syrianus.

There was a human-perfectibility man. He quoted Turgôt, Price,

Priestly, Condorcêt, De Staël, and the “Ambitious Student in Ill

Health.”

There was Sir Positive Paradox. He observed that all fools were

philosophers, and that all philosophers were fools.

There was Æstheticus Ethix. He spoke of fire, unity, and atoms;

bi-part and pre-existent soul; affinity and discord; primitive

intelligence and homoömeria.

There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus;

heresy and the Council of Nice; Puseyism and consubstantialism;

Homousios and Homouioisios.

There was Fricassée from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned

Muriton of red tongue; cauliflowers with _velouté_ sauce; veal _à

la St_. Menehoult; marinade _à la_ St. Florentin; and orange

jellies _en mosaïques_.

There was Bibulus O’Bumper. He touched upon Latour and

Markbrünnen; upon Mousseux and Chambertin; upon Richbourg and St.

George; upon Haubrion, Leonville, and Medoc; upon Barac and

Preignac; upon Grâve, upon Sauterne, upon Lafitte, and upon St.

Peray. He shook his head at Clos de Vougeot, and told, with his

eyes shut, the difference between Sherry and Amontillado.

There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He discoursed of

Cimabué, Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino—of the gloom of

Caravaggio, of the amenity of Albano, of the colors of Titian, of

the frows of Rubens, and of the waggeries of Jan Steen.

There was the President of the Fum-Fudge University. He was of

opinion that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in

Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece.

There was a Grand Turk from Stamboul. He could not help thinking

that the angels were horses, cocks, and bulls; that somebody in

the sixth heaven had seventy thousand heads; and that the earth

was supported by a sky-blue cow with an incalculable number of

green horns.

There was Delphinus Polyglott. He told us what had become of the

eighty-three lost tragedies of Æschylus; of the fifty-four

orations of Isæus; of the three hundred and ninety-one speeches

of Lysias; of the hundred and eighty treatises of Theophrastus;

of the eighth book of the conic sections of Apollonius; of

Pindar’s hymns and dithyrambics; and of the five and forty

tragedies of Homer Junior.

There was Ferdinand Fitz-Fossillus Feltspar. He informed us all

about internal fires and tertiary formations; about aëriforms,

fluidiforms, and solidiforms; about quartz and marl; about schist

and schorl; about gypsum and trap; about talc and calc; about

blende and horn-blende; about mica-slate and pudding-stone; about

cyanite and lepidolite; about hematite and tremolite; about

antimony and calcedony; about manganese and whatever you please.

There was myself. I spoke of myself;—of myself, of myself, of

myself;—of Nosology, of my pamphlet, and of myself. I turned up

my nose, and I spoke of myself.

“Marvellous clever man!” said the Prince.

“Superb!” said his guests;—and next morning her Grace of

Bless-my-Soul paid me a visit.

“Will you go to Almack’s, pretty creature?” she said, tapping me

under the chin.

“Upon honor,” said I.

“Nose and all?” she asked.

“As I live,” I replied.

“Here then is a card, my life. Shall I say you will be there?”

“Dear Duchess, with all my heart.”

“Pshaw, no!—but with all your nose?”

“Every bit of it, my love,” said I:—so I gave it a twist or two,

and found myself at Almack’s. The rooms were crowded to

suffocation.

“He is coming!” said somebody on the staircase.

“He is coming!” said somebody farther up.

“He is coming!” said somebody farther still.

“He is come!” exclaimed the Duchess. “He is come, the little

love!”—and, seizing me firmly by both hands, she kissed me thrice

upon the nose. A marked sensation immediately ensued.

“_Diavolo!_” cried Count Capricornutti.

“_Dios guarda!_” muttered Don Stiletto.

“_Mille tonnerres!_” ejaculated the Prince de Grenouille.

“_Tousand teufel!_” growled the Elector of Bluddennuff.

It was not to be borne. I grew angry. I turned short upon

Bluddennuff.

“Sir!” said I to him, “you are a baboon.”

“Sir,” he replied, after a pause, “_Donner und Blitzen!_”

This was all that could be desired. We exchanged cards. At

Chalk-Farm, the next morning, I shot off his nose—and then called

upon my friends.

“_Bête!_” said the first.

“Fool!” said the second.

“Dolt!” said the third.

“Ass!” said the fourth.

“Ninny!” said the fifth.

“Noodle!” said the sixth.

“Be off!” said the seventh.

At all this I felt mortified, and so called upon my father.

“Father,” I asked, “what is the chief end of my existence?”

“My son,” he replied, “it is still the study of Nosology; but in

hitting the Elector upon the nose you have overshot your mark.

You have a fine nose, it is true; but then Bluddennuff has none.

You are damned, and he has become the hero of the day. I grant

you that in Fum-Fudge the greatness of a lion is in proportion to

the size of his proboscis—but, good heavens! there is no

competing with a lion who has no proboscis at all.”

X-ING A PARAGRAB

As it is well known that the ‘wise men’ came ‘from the East,’ and

as Mr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head came from the East, it follows

that Mr. Bullet-head was a wise man; and if collateral proof of

the matter be needed, here we have it—Mr. B. was an editor.

Irascibility was his sole foible, for in fact the obstinacy of

which men accused him was anything but his foible, since he

justly considered it his forte. It was his strong point—his

virtue; and it would have required all the logic of a Brownson to

convince him that it was ‘anything else.’

I have shown that Touch-and-go Bullet-head was a wise man; and

the only occasion on which he did not prove infallible, was when,

abandoning that legitimate home for all wise men, the East, he

migrated to the city of Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, or some

place of a similar title, out West.

I must do him the justice to say, however, that when he made up

his mind finally to settle in that town, it was under the

impression that no newspaper, and consequently no editor, existed

in that particular section of the country. In establishing ‘The

Tea-Pot’ he expected to have the field all to himself. I feel

confident he never would have dreamed of taking up his residence

in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis had he been aware that, in

Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, there lived a gentleman named John

Smith (if I rightly remember), who for many years had there

quietly grown fat in editing and publishing the

‘Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis Gazette.’ It was solely,

therefore, on account of having been misinformed, that Mr.

Bullet-head found himself in Alex—— suppose we call it Nopolis,

‘for short’—but, as he did find himself there, he determined to

keep up his character for obst—for firmness, and remain. So

remain he did; and he did more; he unpacked his press, type,

etc., etc., rented an office exactly opposite to that of the

‘Gazette,’ and, on the third morning after his arrival, issued

the first number of ‘The Alexan’—that is to say, of ‘The Nopolis

Tea-Pot’—as nearly as I can recollect, this was the name of the

new paper.

The leading article, I must admit, was brilliant—not to say

severe. It was especially bitter about things in general—and as

for the editor of ‘The Gazette,’ he was torn all to pieces in

particular. Some of Bullet-head’s remarks were really so fiery

that I have always, since that time, been forced to look upon

John Smith, who is still alive, in the light of a salamander. I

cannot pretend to give all the ‘Tea-Pot’s’ paragraphs verbatim,

but one of them runs thus:

‘Oh, yes!—Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! The editor over the way

is a genius—O, my! Oh, goodness, gracious!—what is this world

coming to? Oh, tempora! Oh, Moses!’

A philippic at once so caustic and so classical, alighted like a

bombshell among the hitherto peaceful citizens of Nopolis. Groups

of excited individuals gathered at the corners of the streets.

Every one awaited, with heartfelt anxiety, the reply of the

dignified Smith. Next morning it appeared as follows:

‘We quote from “The Tea-Pot” of yesterday the subjoined

paragraph: “Oh, yes! Oh, we perceive! Oh, no doubt! Oh, my! Oh,

goodness! Oh, tempora! Oh, Moses!” Why, the fellow is all O! That

accounts for his reasoning in a circle, and explains why there is

neither beginning nor end to him, nor to anything he says. We

really do not believe the vagabond can write a word that hasn’t

an O in it. Wonder if this O-ing is a habit of his? By-the-by, he

came away from Down-East in a great hurry. Wonder if he O’s as

much there as he does here? “O! it is pitiful.”’

The indignation of Mr. Bullet-head at these scandalous

insinuations, I shall not attempt to describe. On the

eel-skinning principle, however, he did not seem to be so much

incensed at the attack upon his integrity as one might have

imagined. It was the sneer at his style that drove him to

desperation. What!—he Touch-and-go Bullet-head!—not able to write

a word without an O in it! He would soon let the jackanapes see

that he was mistaken. Yes! he would let him see how much he was

mistaken, the puppy! He, Touch-and-go Bullet-head, of

Frogpondium, would let Mr. John Smith perceive that he,

Bullet-head, could indite, if it so pleased him, a whole

paragraph—aye! a whole article—in which that contemptible vowel

should not once—not even once—make its appearance. But no;—that

would be yielding a point to the said John Smith. He,

Bullet-head, would make no alteration in his style, to suit the

caprices of any Mr. Smith in Christendom. Perish so vile a

thought! The O forever; He would persist in the O. He would be as

O-wy as O-wy could be.

Burning with the chivalry of this determination, the great

Touch-and-go, in the next ‘Tea-Pot,’ came out merely with this

simple but resolute paragraph, in reference to this unhappy

affair:

‘The editor of the “Tea-Pot” has the honor of advising the editor

of the “Gazette” that he (the “Tea-Pot”) will take an opportunity

in tomorrow morning’s paper, of convincing him (the “Gazette”)

that he (the “Tea-Pot”) both can and will be _his own master_, as

regards style;—he (the “Tea-Pot”) intending to show him (the

“Gazette”) the supreme, and indeed the withering contempt with

which the criticism of him (the “Gazette”) inspires the

independent bosom of him (the “Tea-Pot”) by composing for the

especial gratification (?) of him (the “Gazette”) a leading

article, of some extent, in which the beautiful vowel—the emblem

of Eternity—yet so offensive to the hyper-exquisite delicacy of

him (the “Gazette”) shall most certainly not be avoided by his

(the “Gazette’s”) most obedient, humble servant, the “Tea-Pot.”

“So much for Buckingham!”’

In fulfilment of the awful threat thus darkly intimated rather

than decidedly enunciated, the great Bullet-head, turning a deaf

ear to all entreaties for ‘copy,’ and simply requesting his

foreman to ‘go to the d——l,’ when he (the foreman) assured him

(the ‘Tea-Pot’!) that it was high time to ‘go to press’: turning

a deaf ear to everything, I say, the great Bullet-head sat up

until day-break, consuming the midnight oil, and absorbed in the

composition of the really unparalleled paragraph, which follows:—

‘So ho, John! how now? Told you so, you know. Don’t crow, another

time, before you’re out of the woods! Does your mother know

you’re out? Oh, no, no!—so go home at once, now, John, to your

odious old woods of Concord! Go home to your woods, old owl—go!

You won’t! Oh, poh, poh, John don’t do so! You’ve _got_ to go,

you know! So go at once, and don’t go slow, for nobody owns you

here, you know! Oh! John, John, if you don’t go you’re no

homo—no! You’re only a fowl, an owl; a cow, a sow; a doll, a

poll; a poor, old, good-for-nothing-to-nobody, log, dog, hog, or

frog, come out of a Concord bog. Cool, now—cool! Do be cool, you

fool! None of your crowing, old cock! Don’t frown so—don’t! Don’t

hollo, nor howl nor growl, nor bow-wow-wow! Good Lord, John, how

you do look! Told you so, you know—but stop rolling your goose of

an old poll about so, and go and drown your sorrows in a bowl!’

Exhausted, very naturally, by so stupendous an effort, the great

Touch-and-go could attend to nothing farther that night. Firmly,

composedly, yet with an air of conscious power, he handed his MS.

to the devil in waiting, and then, walking leisurely home,

retired, with ineffable dignity to bed.

Meantime the devil, to whom the copy was entrusted, ran up stairs

to his ‘case,’ in an unutterable hurry, and forthwith made a

commencement at ‘setting’ the MS. ‘up.’

In the first place, of course,—as the opening word was ‘So,’—he

made a plunge into the capital S hole and came out in triumph

with a capital S. Elated by this success, he immediately threw

himself upon the little-o box with a blindfold impetuosity—but

who shall describe his horror when his fingers came up without

the anticipated letter in their clutch? who shall paint his

astonishment and rage at perceiving, as he rubbed his knuckles,

that he had been only thumping them to no purpose, against the

bottom of an empty box. Not a single little-o was in the little-o

hole; and, glancing fearfully at the capital-O partition, he

found _that_, to his extreme terror, in a precisely similar

predicament. Awe-stricken, his first impulse was to rush to the

foreman.

‘Sir!’ said he, gasping for breath, ‘I can’t never set up nothing

without no o’s.’

‘What do you mean by that?’ growled the foreman, who was in a

very ill humor at being kept so late.

‘Why, sir, there beant an o in the office, neither a big un nor a

little un!’

‘What—what the d—l has become of all that were in the case?’

‘I don’t know, sir,’ said the boy, ‘but one of them ere “G’zette”

devils is bin prowling ’bout here all night, and I spect he’s

gone and cabbaged ‘em every one.’

‘Dod rot him! I haven’t a doubt of it,’ replied the foreman,

getting purple with rage ‘but I tell you what you do, Bob, that’s

a good boy—you go over the first chance you get and hook every

one of their i’s and (d——n them!) their izzards.’

‘Jist so,’ replied Bob, with a wink and a frown—‘I’ll be into

‘em, I’ll let ‘em know a thing or two; but in de meantime, that

ere paragrab? Mus go in to-night, you know—else there’ll be the

d—l to pay, and—’

‘And not a bit of pitch hot,’ interrupted the foreman, with a

deep sigh, and an emphasis on the ‘bit.’ ‘Is it a long paragraph,

Bob?’

‘Shouldn’t call it a _wery_ long paragrab,’ said Bob.

‘Ah, well, then! do the best you can with it! We must get to

press,’ said the foreman, who was over head and ears in work;

‘just stick in some other letter for o; nobody’s going to read

the fellow’s trash anyhow.’

‘Wery well,’ replied Bob, ‘here goes it!’ and off he hurried to

his case, muttering as he went: ‘Considdeble vell, them ere

expressions, perticcler for a man as doesn’t swar. So I’s to

gouge out all their eyes, eh? and d-n all their gizzards! Vell!

this here’s the chap as is just able for to do it.’ The fact is

that although Bob was but twelve years old and four feet high, he

was equal to any amount of fight, in a small way.

The exigency here described is by no means of rare occurrence in

printing-offices; and I cannot tell how to account for it, but

the fact is indisputable, that when the exigency does occur, it

almost always happens that x is adopted as a substitute for the

letter deficient. The true reason, perhaps, is that x is rather

the most superabundant letter in the cases, or at least was so in

the old times—long enough to render the substitution in question

an habitual thing with printers. As for Bob, he would have

considered it heretical to employ any other character, in a case

of this kind, than the x to which he had been accustomed.

‘I shell have to x this ere paragrab,’ said he to himself, as he

read it over in astonishment, ‘but it’s jest about the awfulest

o-wy paragrab I ever did see’: so x it he did, unflinchingly, and

to press it went x-ed.

Next morning the population of Nopolis were taken all aback by

reading in ‘The Tea-Pot,’ the following extraordinary leader:

‘Sx hx, Jxhn! hxw nxw? Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw. Dxn’t crxw, anxther

time, befxre yxu’re xut xf the wxxds! Dxes yxur mxther knxw

yxu’re xut? Xh, nx, nx!—sx gx hxme at xnce, nxw, Jxhn, tx yxur

xdixus xld wxxds xf Cxncxrd! Gx hxme tx yxur wxxds, xld xwl,—gx!

Yxu wxn’t? Xh, pxh, pxh, Jxhn, dxn’t dx sx! Yxu’ve gxt tx gx, yxu

knxw, sx gx at xnce, and dxn’t gx slxw; fxr nxbxdy xwns yxu here,

yxu knxw. Xh, Jxhn, Jxhn, Jxhn, if yxu dxn’t gx yxu’re nx

hxmx—nx! Yxu’re xnly a fxwl, an xwl; a cxw, a sxw; a dxll, a

pxll; a pxxr xld gxxd-fxr-nxthing-tx-nxbxdy, lxg, dxg, hxg, xr

frxg, cxme xut xf a Cxncxrd bxg. Cxxl, nxw—cxxl! Dx be cxxl, yxu

fxxl! Nxne xf yxur crxwing, xld cxck! Dxn’t frxwn sx—dxn’t! Dxn’t

hxllx, nxr hxwl, nxr grxwl, nxr bxw-wxw-wxw! Gxxd Lxrd, Jxhn, hxw

yxu dx lxxk! Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw,—but stxp rxlling yxur gxxse

xf an xld pxll abxut sx, and gx and drxwn yxur sxrrxws in a

bxwl!’

The uproar occasioned by this mystical and cabalistical article,

is not to be conceived. The first definite idea entertained by

the populace was, that some diabolical treason lay concealed in

the hieroglyphics; and there was a general rush to Bullet-head’s

residence, for the purpose of riding him on a rail; but that

gentleman was nowhere to be found. He had vanished, no one could

tell how; and not even the ghost of him has ever been seen since.

Unable to discover its legitimate object, the popular fury at

length subsided; leaving behind it, by way of sediment, quite a

medley of opinion about this unhappy affair.

One gentleman thought the whole an X-ellent joke.

Another said that, indeed, Bullet-head had shown much X-uberance

of fancy.

A third admitted him X-entric, but no more.

A fourth could only suppose it the Yankee’s design to X-press, in

a general way, his X-asperation.

‘Say, rather, to set an X-ample to posterity,’ suggested a fifth.

That Bullet-head had been driven to an extremity, was clear to

all; and in fact, since that editor could not be found, there was

some talk about lynching the other one.

The more common conclusion, however, was that the affair was,

simply, X-traordinary and in-X-plicable. Even the town

mathematician confessed that he could make nothing of so dark a

problem. X, everybody knew, was an unknown quantity; but in this

case (as he properly observed), there was an unknown quantity of

X.

The opinion of Bob, the devil (who kept dark about his having

‘X-ed the paragrab’), did not meet with so much attention as I

think it deserved, although it was very openly and very

fearlessly expressed. He said that, for his part, he had no doubt

about the matter at all, that it was a clear case, that Mr.

Bullet-head ‘never could be persuaded fur to drink like other

folks, but vas continually a-svigging o’ that ere blessed XXX

ale, and as a naiteral consekvence, it just puffed him up savage,

and made him X (cross) in the X-treme.’

METZENGERSTEIN

Pestis eram vivus—moriens tua mors ero.

—_Martin Luther_

Horror and fatality have been stalking abroad in all ages. Why

then give a date to this story I have to tell? Let it suffice to

say, that at the period of which I speak, there existed, in the

interior of Hungary, a settled although hidden belief in the

doctrines of the Metempsychosis. Of the doctrines themselves—that

is, of their falsity, or of their probability—I say nothing. I

assert, however, that much of our incredulity—as La Bruyère says

of all our unhappiness—“_vient de ne pouvoir être seuls_.” {*1}

But there are some points in the Hungarian superstition which

were fast verging to absurdity. They—the Hungarians—differed very

essentially from their Eastern authorities. For example, “_The

soul_,” said the former—I give the words of an acute and

intelligent Parisian—“_ne demeure qu’un seul fois dans un corps

sensible: au reste—un cheval, un chien, un homme même, n’est que

la ressemblance peu tangible de ces animaux._”

The families of Berlifitzing and Metzengerstein had been at

variance for centuries. Never before were two houses so

illustrious, mutually embittered by hostility so deadly. The

origin of this enmity seems to be found in the words of an

ancient prophecy—“A lofty name shall have a fearful fall when, as

the rider over his horse, the mortality of Metzengerstein shall

triumph over the immortality of Berlifitzing.”

To be sure the words themselves had little or no meaning. But

more trivial causes have given rise—and that no long while ago—to

consequences equally eventful. Besides, the estates, which were

contiguous, had long exercised a rival influence in the affairs

of a busy government. Moreover, near neighbors are seldom

friends; and the inhabitants of the Castle Berlifitzing might

look, from their lofty buttresses, into the very windows of the

palace Metzengerstein. Least of all had the more than feudal

magnificence, thus discovered, a tendency to allay the irritable

feelings of the less ancient and less wealthy Berlifitzings. What

wonder then, that the words, however silly, of that prediction,

should have succeeded in setting and keeping at variance two

families already predisposed to quarrel by every instigation of

hereditary jealousy? The prophecy seemed to imply—if it implied

anything—a final triumph on the part of the already more powerful

house; and was of course remembered with the more bitter

animosity by the weaker and less influential.

Wilhelm, Count Berlifitzing, although loftily descended, was, at

the epoch of this narrative, an infirm and doting old man,

remarkable for nothing but an inordinate and inveterate personal

antipathy to the family of his rival, and so passionate a love of

horses, and of hunting, that neither bodily infirmity, great age,

nor mental incapacity, prevented his daily participation in the

dangers of the chase.

Frederick, Baron Metzengerstein, was, on the other hand, not yet

of age. His father, the Minister G—, died young. His mother, the

Lady Mary, followed him quickly after. Frederick was, at that

time, in his fifteenth year. In a city, fifteen years are no long

period—a child may be still a child in his third lustrum: but in

a wilderness—in so magnificent a wilderness as that old

principality, fifteen years have a far deeper meaning.

From some peculiar circumstances attending the administration of

his father, the young Baron, at the decease of the former,

entered immediately upon his vast possessions. Such estates were

seldom held before by a nobleman of Hungary. His castles were

without number. The chief in point of splendor and extent was the

“Château Metzengerstein.” The boundary line of his dominions was

never clearly defined; but his principal park embraced a circuit

of fifty miles.

Upon the succession of a proprietor so young, with a character so

well known, to a fortune so unparalleled, little speculation was

afloat in regard to his probable course of conduct. And, indeed,

for the space of three days, the behavior of the heir out-Heroded

Herod, and fairly surpassed the expectations of his most

enthusiastic admirers. Shameful debaucheries—flagrant

treacheries—unheard-of atrocities—gave his trembling vassals

quickly to understand that no servile submission on their part—no

punctilios of conscience on his own—were thenceforward to prove

any security against the remorseless fangs of a petty Caligula.

On the night of the fourth day, the stables of the castle

Berlifitzing were discovered to be on fire; and the unanimous

opinion of the neighborhood added the crime of the incendiary to

the already hideous list of the Baron’s misdemeanors and

enormities.

But during the tumult occasioned by this occurrence, the young

nobleman himself sat apparently buried in meditation, in a vast

and desolate upper apartment of the family palace of

Metzengerstein. The rich although faded tapestry hangings which

swung gloomily upon the walls, represented the shadowy and

majestic forms of a thousand illustrious ancestors. _Here_,

rich-ermined priests, and pontifical dignitaries, familiarly

seated with the autocrat and the sovereign, put a veto on the

wishes of a temporal king, or restrained with the fiat of papal

supremacy the rebellious sceptre of the Arch-enemy. _There_, the

dark, tall statures of the Princes Metzengerstein—their muscular

war-coursers plunging over the carcasses of fallen foes—startled

the steadiest nerves with their vigorous expression; and _here_,

again, the voluptuous and swan-like figures of the dames of days

gone by, floated away in the mazes of an unreal dance to the

strains of imaginary melody.

But as the Baron listened, or affected to listen, to the

gradually increasing uproar in the stables of Berlifitzing—or

perhaps pondered upon some more novel, some more decided act of

audacity—his eyes became unwittingly rivetted to the figure of an

enormous, and unnaturally colored horse, represented in the

tapestry as belonging to a Saracen ancestor of the family of his

rival. The horse itself, in the foreground of the design, stood

motionless and statue-like—while farther back, its discomfited

rider perished by the dagger of a Metzengerstein.

On Frederick’s lip arose a fiendish expression, as he became

aware of the direction which his glance had, without his

consciousness, assumed. Yet he did not remove it. On the

contrary, he could by no means account for the overwhelming

anxiety which appeared falling like a pall upon his senses. It

was with difficulty that he reconciled his dreamy and incoherent

feelings with the certainty of being awake. The longer he gazed

the more absorbing became the spell—the more impossible did it

appear that he could ever withdraw his glance from the

fascination of that tapestry. But the tumult without becoming

suddenly more violent, with a compulsory exertion he diverted his

attention to the glare of ruddy light thrown full by the flaming

stables upon the windows of the apartment.

The action, however, was but momentary, his gaze returned

mechanically to the wall. To his extreme horror and astonishment,

the head of the gigantic steed had, in the meantime, altered its

position. The neck of the animal, before arched, as if in

compassion, over the prostrate body of its lord, was now

extended, at full length, in the direction of the Baron. The

eyes, before invisible, now wore an energetic and human

expression, while they gleamed with a fiery and unusual red; and

the distended lips of the apparently enraged horse left in full

view his gigantic and disgusting teeth.

Stupefied with terror, the young nobleman tottered to the door.

As he threw it open, a flash of red light, streaming far into the

chamber, flung his shadow with a clear outline against the

quivering tapestry, and he shuddered to perceive that shadow—as

he staggered awhile upon the threshold—assuming the exact

position, and precisely filling up the contour, of the relentless

and triumphant murderer of the Saracen Berlifitzing.

To lighten the depression of his spirits, the Baron hurried into

the open air. At the principal gate of the palace he encountered

three equerries. With much difficulty, and at the imminent peril

of their lives, they were restraining the convulsive plunges of a

gigantic and fiery-colored horse.

“Whose horse? Where did you get him?” demanded the youth, in a

querulous and husky tone of voice, as he became instantly aware

that the mysterious steed in the tapestried chamber was the very

counterpart of the furious animal before his eyes.

“He is your own property, sire,” replied one of the equerries,

“at least he is claimed by no other owner. We caught him flying,

all smoking and foaming with rage, from the burning stables of

the Castle Berlifitzing. Supposing him to have belonged to the

old Count’s stud of foreign horses, we led him back as an estray.

But the grooms there disclaim any title to the creature; which is

strange, since he bears evident marks of having made a narrow

escape from the flames.

“The letters W. V. B. are also branded very distinctly on his

forehead,” interrupted a second equerry, “I supposed them, of

course, to be the initials of Wilhelm Von Berlifitzing—but all at

the castle are positive in denying any knowledge of the horse.”

“Extremely singular!” said the young Baron, with a musing air,

and apparently unconscious of the meaning of his words. “He is,

as you say, a remarkable horse—a prodigious horse! although, as

you very justly observe, of a suspicious and untractable

character; let him be mine, however,” he added, after a pause,

“perhaps a rider like Frederick of Metzengerstein, may tame even

the devil from the stables of Berlifitzing.”

“You are mistaken, my lord; the horse, as I think we mentioned,

is _not_ from the stables of the Count. If such had been the

case, we know our duty better than to bring him into the presence

of a noble of your family.”

“True!” observed the Baron, dryly, and at that instant a page of

the bedchamber came from the palace with a heightened color, and

a precipitate step. He whispered into his master’s ear an account

of the sudden disappearance of a small portion of the tapestry,

in an apartment which he designated; entering, at the same time,

into particulars of a minute and circumstantial character; but

from the low tone of voice in which these latter were

communicated, nothing escaped to gratify the excited curiosity of

the equerries.

The young Frederick, during the conference, seemed agitated by a

variety of emotions. He soon, however, recovered his composure,

and an expression of determined malignancy settled upon his

countenance, as he gave peremptory orders that a certain chamber

should be immediately locked up, and the key placed in his own

possession.

“Have you heard of the unhappy death of the old hunter

Berlifitzing?” said one of his vassals to the Baron, as, after

the departure of the page, the huge steed which that nobleman had

adopted as his own, plunged and curvetted, with redoubled fury,

down the long avenue which extended from the château to the

stables of Metzengerstein.

“No!” said the Baron, turning abruptly toward the speaker, “dead!

say you?”

“It is indeed true, my lord; and, to a noble of your name, will

be, I imagine, no unwelcome intelligence.”

A rapid smile shot over the countenance of the listener. “How

died he?”

“In his rash exertions to rescue a favorite portion of his

hunting stud, he has himself perished miserably in the flames.”

“I-n-d-e-e-d-!” ejaculated the Baron, as if slowly and

deliberately impressed with the truth of some exciting idea.

“Indeed;” repeated the vassal.

“Shocking!” said the youth, calmly, and turned quietly into the

château.

From this date a marked alteration took place in the outward

demeanor of the dissolute young Baron Frederick Von

Metzengerstein. Indeed, his behavior disappointed every

expectation, and proved little in accordance with the views of

many a manoeuvering mamma; while his habits and manner, still

less than formerly, offered any thing congenial with those of the

neighboring aristocracy. He was never to be seen beyond the

limits of his own domain, and, in this wide and social world, was

utterly companionless—unless, indeed, that unnatural, impetuous,

and fiery-colored horse, which he henceforward continually

bestrode, had any mysterious right to the title of his friend.

Numerous invitations on the part of the neighborhood for a long

time, however, periodically came in. “Will the Baron honor our

festivals with his presence?” “Will the Baron join us in a

hunting of the boar?”—“Metzengerstein does not hunt;”

“Metzengerstein will not attend,” were the haughty and laconic

answers.

These repeated insults were not to be endured by an imperious

nobility. Such invitations became less cordial—less frequent—in

time they ceased altogether. The widow of the unfortunate Count

Berlifitzing was even heard to express a hope “that the Baron

might be at home when he did not wish to be at home, since he

disdained the company of his equals; and ride when he did not

wish to ride, since he preferred the society of a horse.” This to

be sure was a very silly explosion of hereditary pique; and

merely proved how singularly unmeaning our sayings are apt to

become, when we desire to be unusually energetic.

The charitable, nevertheless, attributed the alteration in the

conduct of the young nobleman to the natural sorrow of a son for

the untimely loss of his parents—forgetting, however, his

atrocious and reckless behavior during the short period

immediately succeeding that bereavement. Some there were, indeed,

who suggested a too haughty idea of self-consequence and dignity.

Others again (among them may be mentioned the family physician)

did not hesitate in speaking of morbid melancholy, and hereditary

ill-health; while dark hints, of a more equivocal nature, were

current among the multitude.

Indeed, the Baron’s perverse attachment to his lately-acquired

charger—an attachment which seemed to attain new strength from

every fresh example of the animal’s ferocious and demon-like

propensities—at length became, in the eyes of all reasonable men,

a hideous and unnatural fervor. In the glare of noon—at the dead

hour of night—in sickness or in health—in calm or in tempest—the

young Metzengerstein seemed rivetted to the saddle of that

colossal horse, whose intractable audacities so well accorded

with his own spirit.

There were circumstances, moreover, which coupled with late

events, gave an unearthly and portentous character to the mania

of the rider, and to the capabilities of the steed. The space

passed over in a single leap had been accurately measured, and

was found to exceed, by an astounding difference, the wildest

expectations of the most imaginative. The Baron, besides, had no

particular _name_ for the animal, although all the rest in his

collection were distinguished by characteristic appellations. His

stable, too, was appointed at a distance from the rest; and with

regard to grooming and other necessary offices, none but the

owner in person had ventured to officiate, or even to enter the

enclosure of that particular stall. It was also to be observed,

that although the three grooms, who had caught the steed as he

fled from the conflagration at Berlifitzing, had succeeded in

arresting his course, by means of a chain-bridle and noose—yet no

one of the three could with any certainty affirm that he had,

during that dangerous struggle, or at any period thereafter,

actually placed his hand upon the body of the beast. Instances of

peculiar intelligence in the demeanor of a noble and

high-spirited horse are not to be supposed capable of exciting

unreasonable attention—especially among men who, daily trained to

the labors of the chase, might appear well acquainted with the

sagacity of a horse—but there were certain circumstances which

intruded themselves per force upon the most skeptical and

phlegmatic; and it is said there were times when the animal

caused the gaping crowd who stood around to recoil in horror from

the deep and impressive meaning of his terrible stamp—times when

the young Metzengerstein turned pale and shrunk away from the

rapid and searching expression of his earnest and human-looking

eye.

Among all the retinue of the Baron, however, none were found to

doubt the ardor of that extraordinary affection which existed on

the part of the young nobleman for the fiery qualities of his

horse; at least, none but an insignificant and misshapen little

page, whose deformities were in everybody’s way, and whose

opinions were of the least possible importance. He—if his ideas

are worth mentioning at all—had the effrontery to assert that his

master never vaulted into the saddle without an unaccountable and

almost imperceptible shudder, and that, upon his return from

every long-continued and habitual ride, an expression of

triumphant malignity distorted every muscle in his countenance.

One tempestuous night, Metzengerstein, awaking from a heavy

slumber, descended like a maniac from his chamber, and, mounting

in hot haste, bounded away into the mazes of the forest. An

occurrence so common attracted no particular attention, but his

return was looked for with intense anxiety on the part of his

domestics, when, after some hours’ absence, the stupendous and

magnificent battlements of the Chateau Metzengerstein, were

discovered crackling and rocking to their very foundation, under

the influence of a dense and livid mass of ungovernable fire.

As the flames, when first seen, had already made so terrible a

progress that all efforts to save any portion of the building

were evidently futile, the astonished neighborhood stood idly

around in silent and pathetic wonder. But a new and fearful

object soon rivetted the attention of the multitude, and proved

how much more intense is the excitement wrought in the feelings

of a crowd by the contemplation of human agony, than that brought

about by the most appalling spectacles of inanimate matter.

Up the long avenue of aged oaks which led from the forest to the

main entrance of the Château Metzengerstein, a steed, bearing an

unbonneted and disordered rider, was seen leaping with an

impetuosity which outstripped the very Demon of the Tempest.

The career of the horseman was indisputably, on his own part,

uncontrollable. The agony of his countenance, the convulsive

struggle of his frame, gave evidence of superhuman exertion: but

no sound, save a solitary shriek, escaped from his lacerated

lips, which were bitten through and through in the intensity of

terror. One instant, and the clattering of hoofs resounded

sharply and shrilly above the roaring of the flames and the

shrieking of the winds—another, and, clearing at a single plunge

the gate-way and the moat, the steed bounded far up the tottering

staircases of the palace, and, with its rider, disappeared amid

the whirlwind of chaotic fire.

The fury of the tempest immediately died away, and a dead calm

sullenly succeeded. A white flame still enveloped the building

like a shroud, and, streaming far away into the quiet atmosphere,

shot forth a glare of preternatural light; while a cloud of smoke

settled heavily over the battlements in the distinct colossal

figure of—_a horse_.

THE SYSTEM OF DOCTOR TARR AND PROFESSOR FETHER

During the autumn of 18—, while on a tour through the extreme

southern provinces of France, my route led me within a few miles

of a certain _Maison de Santé_ or private mad-house, about which

I had heard much, in Paris, from my medical friends. As I had

never visited a place of the kind, I thought the opportunity too

good to be lost; and so proposed to my travelling companion (a

gentleman with whom I had made casual acquaintance a few days

before), that we should turn aside, for an hour or so, and look

through the establishment. To this he objected—pleading haste in

the first place, and, in the second, a very usual horror at the

sight of a lunatic. He begged me, however, not to let any mere

courtesy towards himself interfere with the gratification of my

curiosity, and said that he would ride on leisurely, so that I

might overtake him during the day, or, at all events, during the

next. As he bade me good-bye, I bethought me that there might be

some difficulty in obtaining access to the premises, and

mentioned my fears on this point. He replied that, in fact,

unless I had personal knowledge of the superintendent, Monsieur

Maillard, or some credential in the way of a letter, a difficulty

might be found to exist, as the regulations of these private

mad-houses were more rigid than the public hospital laws. For

himself, he added, he had, some years since, made the

acquaintance of Maillard, and would so far assist me as to ride

up to the door and introduce me; although his feelings on the

subject of lunacy would not permit of his entering the house.

I thanked him, and, turning from the main road, we entered a

grass-grown by-path, which, in half an hour, nearly lost itself

in a dense forest, clothing the base of a mountain. Through this

dank and gloomy wood we rode some two miles, when the _Maison de

Santé_ came in view. It was a fantastic château, much

dilapidated, and indeed scarcely tenantable through age and

neglect. Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread, and,

checking my horse, I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however,

grew ashamed of my weakness, and proceeded.

As we rode up to the gate-way, I perceived it slightly open, and

the visage of a man peering through. In an instant afterward,

this man came forth, accosted my companion by name, shook him

cordially by the hand, and begged him to alight. It was Monsieur

Maillard himself. He was a portly, fine-looking gentleman of the

old school, with a polished manner, and a certain air of gravity,

dignity, and authority which was very impressive.

My friend, having presented me, mentioned my desire to inspect

the establishment, and received Monsieur Maillard’s assurance

that he would show me all attention, now took leave, and I saw

him no more.

When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me into a small and

exceedingly neat parlor, containing, among other indications of

refined taste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers, and musical

instruments. A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. At a piano,

singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very beautiful

woman, who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and received me

with graceful courtesy. Her voice was low, and her whole manner

subdued. I thought, too, that I perceived the traces of sorrow in

her countenance, which was excessively, although to my taste, not

unpleasingly, pale. She was attired in deep mourning, and excited

in my bosom a feeling of mingled respect, interest, and

admiration.

I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard

was managed upon what is vulgarly termed the “system of

soothing”—that all punishments were avoided—that even confinement

was seldom resorted to—that the patients, while secretly watched,

were left much apparent liberty, and that most of them were

permitted to roam about the house and grounds in the ordinary

apparel of persons in right mind.

Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I said

before the young lady; for I could not be sure that she was sane;

and, in fact, there was a certain restless brilliancy about her

eyes which half led me to imagine she was not. I confined my

remarks, therefore, to general topics, and to such as I thought

would not be displeasing or exciting even to a lunatic. She

replied in a perfectly rational manner to all that I said; and

even her original observations were marked with the soundest good

sense, but a long acquaintance with the metaphysics of mania, had

taught me to put no faith in such evidence of sanity, and I

continued to practise, throughout the interview, the caution with

which I commenced it.

Presently a smart footman in livery brought in a tray with fruit,

wine, and other refreshments, of which I partook, the lady soon

afterward leaving the room. As she departed I turned my eyes in

an inquiring manner toward my host.

“No,” he said, “oh, no—a member of my family—my niece, and a most

accomplished woman.”

“I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion,” I replied, “but of

course you will know how to excuse me. The excellent

administration of your affairs here is well understood in Paris,

and I thought it just possible, you know—”

“Yes, yes—say no more—or rather it is myself who should thank you

for the commendable prudence you have displayed. We seldom find

so much of forethought in young men; and, more than once, some

unhappy contre-temps has occurred in consequence of

thoughtlessness on the part of our visitors. While my former

system was in operation, and my patients were permitted the

privilege of roaming to and fro at will, they were often aroused

to a dangerous frenzy by injudicious persons who called to

inspect the house. Hence I was obliged to enforce a rigid system

of exclusion; and none obtained access to the premises upon whose

discretion I could not rely.”

“While your former system was in operation!” I said, repeating

his words—“do I understand you, then, to say that the ‘soothing

system’ of which I have heard so much is no longer in force?”

“It is now,” he replied, “several weeks since we have concluded

to renounce it forever.”

“Indeed! you astonish me!”

“We found it, sir,” he said, with a sigh, “absolutely necessary

to return to the old usages. The danger of the soothing system

was, at all times, appalling; and its advantages have been much

overrated. I believe, sir, that in this house it has been given a

fair trial, if ever in any. We did every thing that rational

humanity could suggest. I am sorry that you could not have paid

us a visit at an earlier period, that you might have judged for

yourself. But I presume you are conversant with the soothing

practice—with its details.”

“Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or fourth

hand.”

“I may state the system, then, in general terms, as one in which

the patients were _menagés_—humored. We contradicted no fancies

which entered the brains of the mad. On the contrary, we not only

indulged but encouraged them; and many of our most permanent

cures have been thus effected. There is no argument which so

touches the feeble reason of the madman as the argumentum ad

absurdum. We have had men, for example, who fancied themselves

chickens. The cure was, to insist upon the thing as a fact—to

accuse the patient of stupidity in not sufficiently perceiving it

to be a fact—and thus to refuse him any other diet for a week

than that which properly appertains to a chicken. In this manner

a little corn and gravel were made to perform wonders.”

“But was this species of acquiescence all?”

“By no means. We put much faith in amusements of a simple kind,

such as music, dancing, gymnastic exercises generally, cards,

certain classes of books, and so forth. We affected to treat each

individual as if for some ordinary physical disorder; and the

word ‘lunacy’ was never employed. A great point was to set each

lunatic to guard the actions of all the others. To repose

confidence in the understanding or discretion of a madman, is to

gain him body and soul. In this way we were enabled to dispense

with an expensive body of keepers.”

“And you had no punishments of any kind?”

“None.”

“And you never confined your patients?”

“Very rarely. Now and then, the malady of some individual growing

to a crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury, we conveyed him to

a secret cell, lest his disorder should infect the rest, and

there kept him until we could dismiss him to his friends—for with

the raging maniac we have nothing to do. He is usually removed to

the public hospitals.”

“And you have now changed all this—and you think for the better?”

“Decidedly. The system had its disadvantages, and even its

dangers. It is now, happily, exploded throughout all the _Maisons

de Santé_ of France.”

“I am very much surprised,” I said, “at what you tell me; for I

made sure that, at this moment, no other method of treatment for

mania existed in any portion of the country.”

“You are young yet, my friend,” replied my host, “but the time

will arrive when you will learn to judge for yourself of what is

going on in the world, without trusting to the gossip of others.

Believe nothing you hear, and only one-half that you see. Now

about our _Maisons de Santé_, it is clear that some ignoramus has

misled you. After dinner, however, when you have sufficiently

recovered from the fatigue of your ride, I will be happy to take

you over the house, and introduce to you a system which, in my

opinion, and in that of every one who has witnessed its

operation, is incomparably the most effectual as yet devised.”

“Your own?” I inquired—“one of your own invention?”

“I am proud,” he replied, “to acknowledge that it is—at least in

some measure.”

In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or

two, during which he showed me the gardens and conservatories of

the place.

“I cannot let you see my patients,” he said, “just at present. To

a sensitive mind there is always more or less of the shocking in

such exhibitions; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for

dinner. We will dine. I can give you some veal a la Menehoult,

with cauliflowers in _velouté_ sauce—after that a glass of Clos

de Vougeot—then your nerves will be sufficiently steadied.”

At six, dinner was announced; and my host conducted me into a

large _salle à manger_, where a very numerous company were

assembled—twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, apparently,

people of rank—certainly of high breeding—although their

habiliments, I thought, were extravagantly rich, partaking

somewhat too much of the ostentatious finery of the _vielle

cour_. I noticed that at least two-thirds of these guests were

ladies; and some of the latter were by no means accoutred in what

a Parisian would consider good taste at the present day. Many

females, for example, whose age could not have been less than

seventy were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry, such as rings,

bracelets, and earrings, and wore their bosoms and arms

shamefully bare. I observed, too, that very few of the dresses

were well made—or, at least, that very few of them fitted the

wearers. In looking about, I discovered the interesting girl to

whom Monsieur Maillard had presented me in the little parlor; but

my surprise was great to see her wearing a hoop and farthingale,

with high-heeled shoes, and a dirty cap of Brussels lace, so much

too large for her that it gave her face a ridiculously diminutive

expression. When I had first seen her, she was attired, most

becomingly, in deep mourning. There was an air of oddity, in

short, about the dress of the whole party, which, at first,

caused me to recur to my original idea of the “soothing system,”

and to fancy that Monsieur Maillard had been willing to deceive

me until after dinner, that I might experience no uncomfortable

feelings during the repast, at finding myself dining with

lunatics; but I remembered having been informed, in Paris, that

the southern provincialists were a peculiarly eccentric people,

with a vast number of antiquated notions; and then, too, upon

conversing with several members of the company, my apprehensions

were immediately and fully dispelled.

The dining-room itself, although perhaps sufficiently comfortable

and of good dimensions, had nothing too much of elegance about

it. For example, the floor was uncarpeted; in France, however, a

carpet is frequently dispensed with. The windows, too, were

without curtains; the shutters, being shut, were securely

fastened with iron bars, applied diagonally, after the fashion of

our ordinary shop-shutters. The apartment, I observed, formed, in

itself, a wing of the château, and thus the windows were on three

sides of the parallelogram, the door being at the other. There

were no less than ten windows in all.

The table was superbly set out. It was loaded with plate, and

more than loaded with delicacies. The profusion was absolutely

barbaric. There were meats enough to have feasted the Anakim.

Never, in all my life, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an

expenditure of the good things of life. There seemed very little

taste, however, in the arrangements; and my eyes, accustomed to

quiet lights, were sadly offended by the prodigious glare of a

multitude of wax candles, which, in silver candelabra, were

deposited upon the table, and all about the room, wherever it was

possible to find a place. There were several active servants in

attendance; and, upon a large table, at the farther end of the

apartment, were seated seven or eight people with fiddles, fifes,

trombones, and a drum. These fellows annoyed me very much, at

intervals, during the repast, by an infinite variety of noises,

which were intended for music, and which appeared to afford much

entertainment to all present, with the exception of myself.

Upon the whole, I could not help thinking that there was much of

the bizarre about every thing I saw—but then the world is made up

of all kinds of persons, with all modes of thought, and all sorts

of conventional customs. I had travelled, too, so much, as to be

quite an adept at the nil admirari; so I took my seat very coolly

at the right hand of my host, and, having an excellent appetite,

did justice to the good cheer set before me.

The conversation, in the meantime, was spirited and general. The

ladies, as usual, talked a great deal. I soon found that nearly

all the company were well educated; and my host was a world of

good-humored anecdote in himself. He seemed quite willing to

speak of his position as superintendent of a_Maison de Santé_;

and, indeed, the topic of lunacy was, much to my surprise, a

favorite one with all present. A great many amusing stories were

told, having reference to the _whims_ of the patients.

“We had a fellow here once,” said a fat little gentleman, who sat

at my right,—“a fellow that fancied himself a tea-pot; and by the

way, is it not especially singular how often this particular

crotchet has entered the brain of the lunatic? There is scarcely

an insane asylum in France which cannot supply a human tea-pot.

Our gentleman was a Britannia-ware tea-pot, and was careful to

polish himself every morning with buckskin and whiting.”

“And then,” said a tall man just opposite, “we had here, not long

ago, a person who had taken it into his head that he was a

donkey—which allegorically speaking, you will say, was quite

true. He was a troublesome patient; and we had much ado to keep

him within bounds. For a long time he would eat nothing but

thistles; but of this idea we soon cured him by insisting upon

his eating nothing else. Then he was perpetually kicking out his

heels—so—so—”

“Mr. De Kock! I will thank you to behave yourself!” here

interrupted an old lady, who sat next to the speaker. “Please

keep your feet to yourself! You have spoiled my brocade! Is it

necessary, pray, to illustrate a remark in so practical a style?

Our friend here can surely comprehend you without all this. Upon

my word, you are nearly as great a donkey as the poor unfortunate

imagined himself. Your acting is very natural, as I live.”

“Mille pardons! Ma’m’selle!” replied Monsieur De Kock, thus

addressed—“a thousand pardons! I had no intention of offending.

Ma’m’selle Laplace—Monsieur De Kock will do himself the honor of

taking wine with you.”

Here Monsieur De Kock bowed low, kissed his hand with much

ceremony, and took wine with Ma’m’selle Laplace.

“Allow me, mon ami,” now said Monsieur Maillard, addressing

myself, “allow me to send you a morsel of this veal _à la St.

Menehoult_—you will find it particularly fine.”

At this instant three sturdy waiters had just succeeded in

depositing safely upon the table an enormous dish, or trencher,

containing what I supposed to be the “_monstrum, horrendum,

informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum_.” A closer scrutiny assured

me, however, that it was only a small calf roasted whole, and set

upon its knees, with an apple in its mouth, as is the English

fashion of dressing a hare.

“Thank you, no,” I replied; “to say the truth, I am not

particularly partial to veal _à la St_.—what is it?—for I do not

find that it altogether agrees with me. I will change my plate,

however, and try some of the rabbit.”

There were several side-dishes on the table, containing what

appeared to be the ordinary French rabbit—a very delicious

morceau, which I can recommend.

“Pierre,” cried the host, “change this gentleman’s plate, and

give him a side-piece of this rabbit au-chat.”

“This what?” said I.

“This rabbit _au-chat_.”

“Why, thank you—upon second thoughts, no. I will just help myself

to some of the ham.”

There is no knowing what one eats, thought I to myself, at the

tables of these people of the province. I will have none of their

rabbit _au-chat_—and, for the matter of that, none of their

_cat-au-rabbit_ either.

“And then,” said a cadaverous looking personage, near the foot of

the table, taking up the thread of the conversation where it had

been broken off,—“and then, among other oddities, we had a

patient, once upon a time, who very pertinaciously maintained

himself to be a Cordova cheese, and went about, with a knife in

his hand, soliciting his friends to try a small slice from the

middle of his leg.”

“He was a great fool, beyond doubt,” interposed some one, “but

not to be compared with a certain individual whom we all know,

with the exception of this strange gentleman. I mean the man who

took himself for a bottle of champagne, and always went off with

a pop and a fizz, in this fashion.”

Here the speaker, very rudely, as I thought, put his right thumb

in his left cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the

popping of a cork, and then, by a dexterous movement of the

tongue upon the teeth, created a sharp hissing and fizzing, which

lasted for several minutes, in imitation of the frothing of

champagne. This behavior, I saw plainly, was not very pleasing to

Monsieur Maillard; but that gentleman said nothing, and the

conversation was resumed by a very lean little man in a big wig.

“And then there was an ignoramus,” said he, “who mistook himself

for a frog, which, by the way, he resembled in no little degree.

I wish you could have seen him, sir,”—here the speaker addressed

myself—“it would have done your heart good to see the natural

airs that he put on. Sir, if that man was not a frog, I can only

observe that it is a pity he was not. His croak

thus—o-o-o-o-gh—o-o-o-o-gh! was the finest note in the world—B

flat; and when he put his elbows upon the table thus—after taking

a glass or two of wine—and distended his mouth, thus, and rolled

up his eyes, thus, and winked them with excessive rapidity, thus,

why then, sir, I take it upon myself to say, positively, that you

would have been lost in admiration of the genius of the man.”

“I have no doubt of it,” I said.

“And then,” said somebody else, “then there was Petit Gaillard,

who thought himself a pinch of snuff, and was truly distressed

because he could not take himself between his own finger and

thumb.”

“And then there was Jules Desoulières, who was a very singular

genius, indeed, and went mad with the idea that he was a pumpkin.

He persecuted the cook to make him up into pies—a thing which the

cook indignantly refused to do. For my part, I am by no means

sure that a pumpkin pie _à la Desoulières_ would not have been

very capital eating indeed!”

“You astonish me!” said I; and I looked inquisitively at Monsieur

Maillard.

“Ha! ha! ha!” said that gentleman—“he! he! he!—hi! hi! hi!—ho!

ho! ho!—hu! hu! hu!—very good indeed! You must not be astonished,

_mon ami;_ our friend here is a wit—a _drôle_—you must not

understand him to the letter.”

“And then,” said some other one of the party,—“then there was

Bouffon Le Grand—another extraordinary personage in his way. He

grew deranged through love, and fancied himself possessed of two

heads. One of these he maintained to be the head of Cicero; the

other he imagined a composite one, being Demosthenes’ from the

top of the forehead to the mouth, and Lord Brougham’s from the

mouth to the chin. It is not impossible that he was wrong; but he

would have convinced you of his being in the right; for he was a

man of great eloquence. He had an absolute passion for oratory,

and could not refrain from display. For example, he used to leap

upon the dinner-table thus, and—and—”

Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put a hand upon his

shoulder and whispered a few words in his ear; upon which he

ceased talking with great suddenness, and sank back within his

chair.

“And then,” said the friend who had whispered, “there was

Boullard, the tee-totum. I call him the tee-totum because, in

fact, he was seized with the droll, but not altogether

irrational, crotchet, that he had been converted into a

tee-totum. You would have roared with laughter to see him spin.

He would turn round upon one heel by the hour, in this

manner—so—”

Here the friend whom he had just interrupted by a whisper,

performed an exactly similar office for himself.

“But then,” cried the old lady, at the top of her voice, “your

Monsieur Boullard was a madman, and a very silly madman at best;

for who, allow me to ask you, ever heard of a human tee-totum?

The thing is absurd. Madame Joyeuse was a more sensible person,

as you know. She had a crotchet, but it was instinct with common

sense, and gave pleasure to all who had the honor of her

acquaintance. She found, upon mature deliberation, that, by some

accident, she had been turned into a chicken-cock; but, as such,

she behaved with propriety. She flapped her wings with prodigious

effect—so—so—so—and, as for her crow, it was delicious!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!—cock-a-doodle-doo!—cock-a-doodle-de-doo

dooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o!”

“Madame Joyeuse, I will thank you to behave yourself!” here

interrupted our host, very angrily. “You can either conduct

yourself as a lady should do, or you can quit the table

forthwith—take your choice.”

The lady (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as Madame

Joyeuse, after the description of Madame Joyeuse she had just

given) blushed up to the eyebrows, and seemed exceedingly abashed

at the reproof. She hung down her head, and said not a syllable

in reply. But another and younger lady resumed the theme. It was

my beautiful girl of the little parlor.

“Oh, Madame Joyeuse was a fool!” she exclaimed, “but there was

really much sound sense, after all, in the opinion of Eugénie

Salsafette. She was a very beautiful and painfully modest young

lady, who thought the ordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and

wished to dress herself, always, by getting outside instead of

inside of her clothes. It is a thing very easily done, after all.

You have only to do so—and then so—so—so—and then so—so—so—and

then so—so—and then—”

“Mon dieu! Ma’m’selle Salsafette!” here cried a dozen voices at

once. “What are you about?—forbear!—that is sufficient!—we see,

very plainly, how it is done!—hold! hold!” and several persons

were already leaping from their seats to withhold Ma’m’selle

Salsafette from putting herself upon a par with the Medicean

Venus, when the point was very effectually and suddenly

accomplished by a series of loud screams, or yells, from some

portion of the main body of the _château_.

My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells; but

the rest of the company I really pitied. I never saw any set of

reasonable people so thoroughly frightened in my life. They all

grew as pale as so many corpses, and, shrinking within their

seats, sat quivering and gibbering with terror, and listening for

a repetition of the sound. It came again—louder and seemingly

nearer—and then a third time very loud, and then a fourth time

with a vigor evidently diminished. At this apparent dying away of

the noise, the spirits of the company were immediately regained,

and all was life and anecdote as before. I now ventured to

inquire the cause of the disturbance.

“A mere _bagatelle_,” said Monsieur Maillard. “We are used to

these things, and care really very little about them. The

lunatics, every now and then, get up a howl in concert; one

starting another, as is sometimes the case with a bevy of dogs at

night. It occasionally happens, however, that the _concerto_

yells are succeeded by a simultaneous effort at breaking loose;

when, of course, some little danger is to be apprehended.”

“And how many have you in charge?”

“At present we have not more than ten, altogether.”

“Principally females, I presume?”

“Oh, no—every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I can tell

you.”

“Indeed! I have always understood that the majority of lunatics

were of the gentler sex.”

“It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there were

about twenty-seven patients here; and, of that number, no less

than eighteen were women; but, lately, matters have changed very

much, as you see.”

“Yes—have changed very much, as you see,” here interrupted the

gentleman who had broken the shins of Ma’m’selle Laplace.

“Yes—have changed very much, as you see!” chimed in the whole

company at once.

“Hold your tongues, every one of you!” said my host, in a great

rage. Whereupon the whole company maintained a dead silence for

nearly a minute. As for one lady, she obeyed Monsieur Maillard to

the letter, and thrusting out her tongue, which was an

excessively long one, held it very resignedly, with both hands,

until the end of the entertainment.

“And this gentlewoman,” said I, to Monsieur Maillard, bending

over and addressing him in a whisper—“this good lady who has just

spoken, and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo—she, I presume,

is harmless—quite harmless, eh?”

“Harmless!” ejaculated he, in unfeigned surprise, “why—why, what

can you mean?”

“Only slightly touched?” said I, touching my head. “I take it for

granted that she is not particularly not dangerously affected,

eh?”

“_Mon dieu!_ what is it you imagine? This lady, my particular old

friend Madame Joyeuse, is as absolutely sane as myself. She has

her little eccentricities, to be sure—but then, you know, all old

women—all _very_ old women—are more or less eccentric!”

“To be sure,” said I,—“to be sure—and then the rest of these

ladies and gentlemen—”

“Are my friends and keepers,” interupted Monsieur Maillard,

drawing himself up with _hauteur_,—“my very good friends and

assistants.”

“What! all of them?” I asked,—“the women and all?”

“Assuredly,” he said,—“we could not do at all without the women;

they are the best lunatic nurses in the world; they have a way of

their own, you know; their bright eyes have a marvellous

effect—something like the fascination of the snake, you know.”

“To be sure,” said I,—“to be sure! They behave a little odd,

eh?—they are a little queer, eh?—don’t you think so?”

“Odd!—queer!—why, do you really think so? We are not very

prudish, to be sure, here in the South—do pretty much as we

please—enjoy life, and all that sort of thing, you know—”

“To be sure,” said I,—“to be sure.”

“And then, perhaps, this Clos de Vougeot is a little heady, you

know—a little strong—you understand, eh?”

“To be sure,” said I,—“to be sure. By the bye, Monsieur, did I

understand you to say that the system you have adopted, in place

of the celebrated soothing system, was one of very rigorous

severity?”

“By no means. Our confinement is necessarily close; but the

treatment—the medical treatment, I mean—is rather agreeable to

the patients than otherwise.”

“And the new system is one of your own invention?”

“Not altogether. Some portions of it are referable to Professor

Tarr, of whom you have, necessarily, heard; and, again, there are

modifications in my plan which I am happy to acknowledge as

belonging of right to the celebrated Fether, with whom, if I

mistake not, you have the honor of an intimate acquaintance.”

“I am quite ashamed to confess,” I replied, “that I have never

even heard the names of either gentleman before.”

“Good heavens!” ejaculated my host, drawing back his chair

abruptly, and uplifting his hands. “I surely do not hear you

aright! You did not intend to say, eh? that you had never heard

either of the learned Doctor Tarr, or of the celebrated Professor

Fether?”

“I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance,” I replied; “but the

truth should be held inviolate above all things. Nevertheless, I

feel humbled to the dust, not to be acquainted with the works of

these, no doubt, extraordinary men. I will seek out their

writings forthwith, and peruse them with deliberate care.

Monsieur Maillard, you have really—I must confess it—you have

really—made me ashamed of myself!”

And this was the fact.

“Say no more, my good young friend,” he said kindly, pressing my

hand,—“join me now in a glass of Sauterne.”

We drank. The company followed our example without stint. They

chatted—they jested—they laughed—they perpetrated a thousand

absurdities—the fiddles shrieked—the drum row-de-dowed—the

trombones bellowed like so many brazen bulls of Phalaris—and the

whole scene, growing gradually worse and worse, as the wines

gained the ascendancy, became at length a sort of pandemonium in

petto. In the meantime, Monsieur Maillard and myself, with some

bottles of Sauterne and Vougeot between us, continued our

conversation at the top of the voice. A word spoken in an

ordinary key stood no more chance of being heard than the voice

of a fish from the bottom of Niagara Falls.

“And, sir,” said I, screaming in his ear, “you mentioned

something before dinner about the danger incurred in the old

system of soothing. How is that?”

“Yes,” he replied, “there was, occasionally, very great danger

indeed. There is no accounting for the caprices of madmen; and,

in my opinion as well as in that of Dr. Tarr and Professor

Fether, it is never safe to permit them to run at large

unattended. A lunatic may be ‘soothed,’ as it is called, for a

time, but, in the end, he is very apt to become obstreperous. His

cunning, too, is proverbial and great. If he has a project in

view, he conceals his design with a marvellous wisdom; and the

dexterity with which he counterfeits sanity, presents, to the

metaphysician, one of the most singular problems in the study of

mind. When a madman appears thoroughly sane, indeed, it is high

time to put him in a straitjacket.”

“But the danger, my dear sir, of which you were speaking, in your

own experience—during your control of this house—have you had

practical reason to think liberty hazardous in the case of a

lunatic?”

“Here?—in my own experience?—why, I may say, yes. For example:—no

very long while ago, a singular circumstance occurred in this

very house. The ‘soothing system,’ you know, was then in

operation, and the patients were at large. They behaved

remarkably well—especially so—any one of sense might have known

that some devilish scheme was brewing from that particular fact,

that the fellows behaved so remarkably well. And, sure enough,

one fine morning the keepers found themselves pinioned hand and

foot, and thrown into the cells, where they were attended, as if

they were the lunatics, by the lunatics themselves, who had

usurped the offices of the keepers.”

“You don’t tell me so! I never heard of any thing so absurd in my

life!”

“Fact—it all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow—a

lunatic—who, by some means, had taken it into his head that he

had invented a better system of government than any ever heard of

before—of lunatic government, I mean. He wished to give his

invention a trial, I suppose, and so he persuaded the rest of the

patients to join him in a conspiracy for the overthrow of the

reigning powers.”

“And he really succeeded?”

“No doubt of it. The keepers and kept were soon made to exchange

places. Not that exactly either—for the madmen had been free, but

the keepers were shut up in cells forthwith, and treated, I am

sorry to say, in a very cavalier manner.”

“But I presume a counter-revolution was soon effected. This

condition of things could not have long existed. The country

people in the neighborhood—visitors coming to see the

establishment—would have given the alarm.”

“There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for that. He

admitted no visitors at all—with the exception, one day, of a

very stupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had no reason to

be afraid. He let him in to see the place—just by way of

variety,—to have a little fun with him. As soon as he had

gammoned him sufficiently, he let him out, and sent him about his

business.”

“And how long, then, did the madmen reign?”

“Oh, a very long time, indeed—a month certainly—how much longer I

can’t precisely say. In the meantime, the lunatics had a jolly

season of it—that you may swear. They doffed their own shabby

clothes, and made free with the family wardrobe and jewels. The

cellars of the château were well stocked with wine; and these

madmen are just the devils that know how to drink it. They lived

well, I can tell you.”

“And the treatment—what was the particular species of treatment

which the leader of the rebels put into operation?”

“Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I have

already observed; and it is my honest opinion that his treatment

was a much better treatment than that which it superseded. It was

a very capital system indeed—simple—neat—no trouble at all—in

fact it was delicious—it was—”

Here my host’s observations were cut short by another series of

yells, of the same character as those which had previously

disconcerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from

persons rapidly approaching.

“Gracious heavens!” I ejaculated—“the lunatics have most

undoubtedly broken loose.”

“I very much fear it is so,” replied Monsieur Maillard, now

becoming excessively pale. He had scarcely finished the sentence,

before loud shouts and imprecations were heard beneath the

windows; and, immediately afterward, it became evident that some

persons outside were endeavoring to gain entrance into the room.

The door was beaten with what appeared to be a sledge-hammer, and

the shutters were wrenched and shaken with prodigious violence.

A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard,

to my excessive astonishment threw himself under the side-board.

I had expected more resolution at his hands. The members of the

orchestra, who, for the last fifteen minutes, had been seemingly

too much intoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at once to their

feet and to their instruments, and, scrambling upon their table,

broke out, with one accord, into, “Yankee Doodle,” which they

performed, if not exactly in tune, at least with an energy

superhuman, during the whole of the uproar.

Meantime, upon the main dining-table, among the bottles and

glasses, leaped the gentleman who, with such difficulty, had been

restrained from leaping there before. As soon as he fairly

settled himself, he commenced an oration, which, no doubt, was a

very capital one, if it could only have been heard. At the same

moment, the man with the teetotum predilection, set himself to

spinning around the apartment, with immense energy, and with arms

outstretched at right angles with his body; so that he had all

the air of a tee-totum in fact, and knocked everybody down that

happened to get in his way. And now, too, hearing an incredible

popping and fizzing of champagne, I discovered at length, that it

proceeded from the person who performed the bottle of that

delicate drink during dinner. And then, again, the frog-man

croaked away as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every

note that he uttered. And, in the midst of all this, the

continuous braying of a donkey arose over all. As for my old

friend, Madame Joyeuse, I really could have wept for the poor

lady, she appeared so terribly perplexed. All she did, however,

was to stand up in a corner, by the fireplace, and sing out

incessantly at the top of her voice, “Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh!”

And now came the climax—the catastrophe of the drama. As no

resistance, beyond whooping and yelling and cock-a-doodling, was

offered to the encroachments of the party without, the ten

windows were very speedily, and almost simultaneously, broken in.

But I shall never forget the emotions of wonder and horror with

which I gazed, when, leaping through these windows, and down

among us _pêle-mêle_, fighting, stamping, scratching, and

howling, there rushed a perfect army of what I took to be

chimpanzees, ourang-outangs, or big black baboons of the Cape of

Good Hope.

I received a terrible beating—after which I rolled under a sofa

and lay still. After lying there some fifteen minutes, during

which time I listened with all my ears to what was going on in

the room, I came to same satisfactory _dénouement_ of this

tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, it appeared, in giving me the account

of the lunatic who had excited his fellows to rebellion, had been

merely relating his own exploits. This gentleman had, indeed,

some two or three years before, been the superintendent of the

establishment, but grew crazy himself, and so became a patient.

This fact was unknown to the travelling companion who introduced

me. The keepers, ten in number, having been suddenly overpowered,

were first well tarred, then carefully feathered, and then shut

up in underground cells. They had been so imprisoned for more

than a month, during which period Monsieur Maillard had

generously allowed them not only the tar and feathers (which

constituted his “system”), but some bread and abundance of water.

The latter was pumped on them daily. At length, one escaping

through a sewer, gave freedom to all the rest.

The “soothing system,” with important modifications, has been

resumed at the _château;_ yet I cannot help agreeing with

Monsieur Maillard, that his own “treatment” was a very capital

one of its kind. As he justly observed, it was “simple—neat—and

gave no trouble at all—not the least.”

I have only to add that, although I have searched every library

in Europe for the works of Doctor _Tarr_ and Professor _Fether_,

I have, up to the present day, utterly failed in my endeavors at

procuring an edition.

THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ.

LATE EDITOR OF THE “GOOSETHERUMFOODLE.”

By Himself

I am now growing in years, and—since I understand that

Shakespeare and Mr. Emmons are deceased—it is not impossible that

I may even die. It has occurred to me, therefore, that I may as

well retire from the field of Letters and repose upon my laurels.

But I am ambitious of signalizing my abdication of the literary

sceptre by some important bequest to posterity; and, perhaps, I

cannot do a better thing than just pen for it an account of my

earlier career. My name, indeed, has been so long and so

constantly before the public eye, that I am not only willing to

admit the naturalness of the interest which it has everywhere

excited, but ready to satisfy the extreme curiosity which it has

inspired. In fact, it is no more than the duty of him who

achieves greatness to leave behind him, in his ascent, such

landmarks as may guide others to be great. I propose, therefore,

in the present paper, (which I had some idea of calling

“Memoranda to serve for the Literary History of America,”) to

give a detail of those important, yet feeble and tottering first

steps, by which, at length, I attained the high road to the

pinnacle of human renown.

Of one’s very remote ancestors it is superfluous to say much. My

father, Thomas Bob, Esq., stood for many years at the summit of

his profession, which was that of a merchant-barber, in the city

of Smug. His warehouse was the resort of all the principal people

of the place, and especially of the editorial corps—a body which

inspires all about it with profound veneration and awe. For my

own part, I regarded them as gods, and drank in with avidity the

rich wit and wisdom which continuously flowed from their august

mouths during the process of what is styled “lather.” My first

moment of positive inspiration must be dated from that

ever-memorable epoch, when the brilliant conductor of the

“Gad-Fly,” in the intervals of the important process just

mentioned, recited aloud, before a conclave of our apprentices,

an inimitable poem in honor of the “Only Genuine Oil-of-Bob,” (so

called from its talented inventor, my father,) and for which

effusion the editor of the “Fly” was remunerated with a regal

liberality by the firm of Thomas Bob & company, merchant-barbers.

The genius of the stanzas to the “Oil-of-Bob” first breathed into

me, I say, the divine _afflatus_. I resolved at once to become a

great man, and to commence by becoming a great poet. That very

evening I fell upon my knees at the feet of my father.

“Father,” I said, “pardon me!—but I have a soul above lather. It

is my firm intention to cut the shop. I would be an editor—I

would be a poet—I would pen stanzas to the ‘Oil-of-Bob.’ Pardon

me and aid me to be great!”

“My dear Thingum,” replied my father, (I had been christened

Thingum after a wealthy relative so surnamed,) “My dear Thingum,”

he said, raising me from my knees by the ears—“Thingum, my boy,

you’re a trump, and take after your father in having a soul. You

have an immense head, too, and it must hold a great many brains.

This I have long seen, and therefore had thoughts of making you a

lawyer. The business, however, has grown ungenteel, and that of a

politician don’t pay. Upon the whole you judge wisely;—the trade

of editor is best:—and if you can be a poet at the same time,—as

most of the editors are, by the by,—why you will kill two birds

with one stone. To encourage you in the beginning of things, I

will allow you a garret; pen, ink, and paper; a rhyming

dictionary; and a copy of the ‘Gad-Fly.’ I suppose you would

scarcely demand any more.”

“I would be an ungrateful villain if I did,” I replied with

enthusiasm. “Your generosity is boundless. I will repay it by

making you the father of a genius.”

Thus ended my conference with the best of men, and immediately

upon its termination, I betook myself with zeal to my poetical

labors; as upon these, chiefly, I founded my hopes of ultimate

elevation to the editorial chair.

In my first attempts at composition I found the stanzas to “The

Oil-of-Bob” rather a draw-back than otherwise. Their splendor

more dazzled than enlightened me. The contemplation of their

excellence tended, naturally, to discourage me by comparison with

my own abortions; so that for a long time I labored in vain. At

length there came into my head one of those exquisitely original

ideas which now and then _will_ permeate the brain of a man of

genius. It was this:—or, rather, thus was it carried into

execution. From the rubbish of an old book-stall, in a very

remote corner of the town, I got together several antique and

altogether unknown or forgotten volumes. The bookseller sold them

to me for a song. From one of these, which purported to be a

translation of one Dante’s “Inferno,” I copied with remarkable

neatness a long passage about a man named Ugolino, who had a

parcel of brats. From another which contained a good many old

plays by some person whose name I forget, I extracted in the same

manner, and with the same care, a great number of lines about

“angels” and “ministers saying grace,” and “goblins damned,” and

more besides of that sort. From a third, which was the

composition of some blind man or other, either a Greek or a

Choctaw—I cannot be at the pains of remembering every trifle

exactly—I took about fifty verses beginning with “Achilles’

wrath,” and “grease,” and something else. From a fourth, which I

recollect was also the work of a blind man, I selected a page or

two all about “hail” and “holy light”; and although a blind man

has no business to write about light, still the verses were

sufficiently good in their way.

Having made fair copies of these poems, I signed every one of

them “Oppodeldoc,” (a fine sonorous name,) and, doing each up

nicely in a separate envelope, I despatched one to each of the

four principal Magazines, with a request for speedy insertion and

prompt pay. The result of this well conceived plan, however, (the

success of which would have saved me much trouble in after life,)

served to convince me that some editors are not to be bamboozled,

and gave the _coup-de-grace_ (as they say in France,) to my

nascent hopes, (as they say in the city of the transcendentals.)

The fact is, that each and every one of the Magazines in

question, gave Mr. “Oppodeldoc” a complete using-up, in the

“Monthly Notices to Correspondents.” The “Hum-Drum” gave him a

dressing after this fashion:

“‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) has sent us a long _tirade_

concerning a bedlamite whom he styles ‘Ugolino,’ who had a great

many children that should have been all whipped and sent to bed

without their suppers. The whole affair is exceedingly tame—not

to say _flat_. ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) is entirely devoid

of imagination—and imagination, in our humble opinion, is not

only the soul of Poesy, but also its very heart. ‘Oppodeldoc,’

(whoever he is,) has the audacity to demand of us, for his

twattle, a ‘speedy insertion and prompt pay.’ We neither insert

nor purchase any stuff of the sort. There can be no doubt,

however, that he would meet with a ready sale for all the

balderdash he can scribble, at the office of either the

‘Rowdy-Dow,’ the ‘Lollipop,’ or the ‘Goosetherumfoodle.’”

All this, it must be acknowledged, was very severe upon

“Oppodeldoc”—but the unkindest cut was putting the word Poesy in

small caps. In those five pre-eminent letters what a world of

bitterness is there not involved!

But “Oppodeldoc” was punished with equal severity in the

“Rowdy-Dow,” which spoke thus:

“We have received a most singular and insolent communication from

a person (whoever he is,) signing himself ‘Oppodeldoc’—thus

desecrating the greatness of the illustrious Roman Emperor so

named. Accompanying the letter of ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,)

we find sundry lines of most disgusting and unmeaning rant about

‘angels and ministers of grace’—rant such as no madman short of a

Nat Lee, or an ‘Oppodeldoc,’ could possibly perpetrate. And for

this trash of trash, we are modestly requested to ‘pay promptly.’

No sir—no! We pay for nothing of _that_ sort. Apply to the

‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Lollipop,’ or the ‘Goosetherumfoodle.’ These

_periodicals_ will undoubtedly accept any literary offal you may

send them—and as undoubtedly _promise_ to pay for it.”

This was bitter indeed upon poor “Oppodeldoc”; but, in this

instance, the weight of the satire falls upon the “Hum-drum,” the

“Lollipop,” and the “Goosetherumfoodle,” who are pungently styled

“_periodicals_”—in Italics, too—a thing that must have cut them

to the heart.

Scarcely less savage was the “Lollipop,” which thus discoursed:

“Some _individual_, who rejoices in the appellation ‘Oppodeldoc,’

(to what low uses are the names of the illustrious dead too often

applied!) has enclosed us some fifty or sixty _verses_ commencing

after this fashion:

Achilles’ wrath, to Greece the direful spring

Of woes unnumbered, &c., &c., &c., &c.

“‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) is respectfully informed that

there is not a printer’s devil in our office who is not in the

daily habit of composing better _lines_. Those of ‘Oppodeldoc’

will not _scan_. ‘Oppodeldoc’ should learn to _count_. But why he

should have conceived the idea that _we_, (of all others, _we!_)

would disgrace our pages with his ineffable nonsense, is utterly

beyond comprehension. Why, the absurd twattle is scarcely good

enough for the ‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Rowdy-Dow,’ the

‘Goosetherumfoodle’—things that are in the practice of publishing

‘Mother Goose’s Melodies’ as original lyrics. And ‘Oppodeldoc’

(whoever he is,) has even the assurance to demand _pay_ for this

drivel. Does ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) know—is he aware that

we could not be paid to insert it?”

As I perused this I felt myself growing gradually smaller and

smaller, and when I came to the point at which the editor sneered

at the poem as “verses” there was little more than an ounce of me

left. As for “Oppodeldoc,” I began to experience _compassion_ for

the poor fellow. But the “Goosetherumfoodle” showed, if possible,

less mercy than the “Lollipop.” It was the “Goosetherumfoodle”

that said:

“A wretched poetaster, who signs himself ‘Oppodeldoc,’ is silly

enough to fancy that _we_ will print and _pay for_ a medley of

incoherent and ungrammatical bombast which he has transmitted to

us, and which commences with the following most _intelligible_

line:

‘Hail, Holy Light! Offspring of Heaven, first born.’

“We say, ‘most _intelligible_.’ ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,)

will be kind enough to tell us, perhaps, how ‘_hail_’ can be

‘_holy light_’ We always regarded it as _frozen rain_. Will he

inform us, also, how frozen rain can be, at one and the same

time, both ‘holy light,’ (whatever that is,) and an

‘offspring?’—which latter term, (if we understand any thing about

English,) is only employed, with propriety, in reference to small

babies of about six weeks old. But it is preposterous to descant

upon such absurdity—although ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) has

the unparalleled effrontery to suppose that we will not only

‘insert’ his ignorant ravings, but (absolutely) _pay for them!_

“Now this is fine—it is rich!—and we have half a mind to punish

this young scribbler for his egotism, by really publishing his

effusion, _verbatim et literatim_, as he has written it. We could

inflict no punishment so severe, and we _would_ inflict it, but

for the boredom which we should cause our readers in so doing.

“Let ‘Oppodeldoc,’ (whoever he is,) send any future _composition_

of like character to the ‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Lollipop,’ or the

‘Rowdy-Dow,’ _They_ will ‘insert’ it. _They_ ‘insert’ every month

just such stuff. Send it to them. WE are not to be insulted with

impunity.”

This made an end of me; and as for the “Hum-Drum,” the

“Rowdy-Dow,” and the “Lollipop,” I never could comprehend how

they survived it. The putting _them_ in the smallest possible

_minion_, (that was the rub—thereby insinuating their

lowness—their baseness,) while WE stood looking down upon them in

gigantic capitals!—oh it was _too_ bitter!—it was wormwood—it was

gall. Had I been either of these periodicals I would have spared

no pains to have the “Goosetherumfoodle” prosecuted. It might

have been done under the Act for the “Prevention of Cruelty to

Animals.” As for “Oppodeldoc,” (whoever he was), I had by this

time lost all patience with the fellow, and sympathized with him

no longer. He was a fool, beyond doubt, (whoever he was,) and got

not a kick more than he deserved.

The result of my experiment with the old books, convinced me, in

the first place, that “honesty is the best policy,” and, in the

second, that if I could not write better than Mr. Dante, and the

two blind men, and the rest of the old set, it would, at least,

be a difficult matter to write worse. I took heart, therefore,

and determined to prosecute the “entirely original,” (as they say

on the covers of the magazines,) at whatever cost of study and

pains. I again placed before my eyes, as a model, the brilliant

stanzas on “The Oil-of-Bob” by the editor of the “Gad-Fly,” and

resolved to construct an ode on the same sublime theme, in

rivalry of what had already been done.

With my first verse I had no material difficulty. It ran thus:

“To pen an Ode upon the ‘Oil-of-Bob.’”

Having carefully looked out, however, all the legitimate rhymes

to “Bob,” I found it impossible to proceed. In this dilemma I had

recourse to paternal aid; and, after some hours of mature

thought, my father and myself thus constructed the poem:

_“To pen an Ode upon the ‘Oil-of-Bob’

Is all sorts of a job._

“(Signed) Snob.”

To be sure, this composition was of no very great length—but I

“have yet to learn” as they say in the Edinburgh Review, that the

mere extent of a literary work has any thing to do with its

merit. As for the Quarterly cant about “sustained effort,” it is

impossible to see the sense of it. Upon the whole, therefore, I

was satisfied with the success of my maiden attempt, and now the

only question regarded the disposal I should make of it. My

father suggested that I should send it to the “Gad-Fly”—but there

were two reasons which operated to prevent me from so doing. I

dreaded the jealousy of the editor—and I had ascertained that he

did not pay for original contributions. I therefore, after due

deliberation, consigned the article to the more dignified pages

of the “Lollipop,” and awaited the event in anxiety, but with

resignation.

In the very next published number I had the proud satisfaction of

seeing my poem printed at length, as the leading article, with

the following significant words, prefixed in italics and between

brackets:

_We call the attention of our readers to the subjoined admirable

stanza on “The Oil of Bob.” We need say nothing of their

sublimity, or their pathos:—it is impossible to peruse them

without tears. Those who have been nauseated with a sad dose on

the same august topic from the goose quill of the editor of the

“Gad Fly” will do well to compare the two compositions._

P. S.—We are consumed with anxiety to probe the mystery which

envelops the evident pseudonym “Snob.” May we hope for a personal

interview?

All this was scarcely more than justice, but it was, I confess,

rather more than I had expected:—I acknowledged this, be it

observed, to the everlasting disgrace of my country and of

mankind. I lost no time, however, in calling upon the editor of

the “Lollipop,” and had the good fortune to find this gentleman

at home. He saluted me with an air of profound respect, slightly

blended with a fatherly and patronizing admiration, wrought in

him, no doubt, by my appearance of extreme youth and

inexperience. Begging me to be seated, he entered at once upon

the subject of my poem;—but modesty will ever forbid me to repeat

the thousand compliments which he lavished upon me. The eulogies

of Mr. Crab, (such was the editor’s name,) were, however, by no

means fulsomely indiscriminate. He analyzed my composition with

much freedom and great ability—not hesitating to point out a few

trivial defects—a circumstance which elevated him highly in my

esteem. The “Gad-Fly” was, of course, brought upon the _tapis_,

and I hope never to be subjected to a criticism so searching, or

to rebukes so withering, as were bestowed by Mr. Crab upon that

unhappy effusion. I had been accustomed to regard the editor of

the “Gad-Fly” as something superhuman; but Mr. Crab soon

disabused me of that idea. He set the literary as well as the

personal character of the Fly (so Mr. C. satirically designated

the rival editor,) in its true light. He, the Fly, was very

little better than he should be. He had written infamous things.

He was a penny-a-liner, and a buffoon. He was a villain. He had

composed a tragedy which set the whole country in a guffaw, and a

farce which deluged the universe in tears. Besides all this, he

had the impudence to pen what he meant for a lampoon upon

himself, (Mr. Crab,) and the temerity to style him “an ass.”

Should I at any time wish to express my opinion of Mr. Fry, the

pages of the “Lollipop,” Mr. Crab assured me, were at my

unlimited disposal. In the meantime, as it was very certain that

I would be attacked in the Fly for my attempt at composing a

rival poem on the “Oil-of-Bob,” he (Mr. Crab,) would take it upon

himself to attend, pointedly, to my private and personal

interests. If I were not made a man of at once, it should not be

the fault of himself, (Mr. Crab.)

Mr. Crab having now paused in his discourse, (the latter portion

of which I found it impossible to comprehend,) I ventured to

suggest something about the remuneration which I had been taught

to expect for my poem, by an announcement on the cover of the

“Lollipop,” declaring that it, (the “Lollipop,”) “insisted upon

being permitted to pay exorbitant prices for all accepted

contributions—frequently expending more money for a single brief

poem than the whole annual cost of the ‘Hum-Drum,’ the

‘Rowdy-Dow,’ and the ‘Goosetherumfoodle’ combined.”

As I mentioned the word “remuneration,” Mr. Crab first opened his

eyes, and then his mouth, to quite a remarkable extent; causing

his personal appearance to resemble that of a highly-agitated

elderly duck in the act of quacking; and in this condition he

remained, (ever and anon pressing his hands tightly to his

forehead, as if in a state of desperate bewilderment) until I had

nearly made an end of what I had to say.

Upon my conclusion, he sank back into his seat, as if much

overcome, letting his arms fall lifelessly by his side, but

keeping his mouth still rigorously open, after the fashion of the

duck. While I remained in speechless astonishment at behavior so

alarming, he suddenly leaped to his feet and made a rush at the

bell-rope; but just as he reached this, he appeared to have

altered his intention, whatever it was, for he dived under a

table and immediately re-appeared with a cudgel. This he was in

the act of uplifting, (for what purpose I am at a loss to

imagine,) when, all at once, there came a benign smile over his

features, and he sank placidly back in his chair.

“Mr. Bob,” he said, (for I had sent up my card before ascending

myself,) “Mr. Bob, you are a young man, I presume—_very?_”

I assented; adding that I had not yet concluded my third lustrum.

“Ah!” he replied, “very good! I see how it is—say no more!

Touching this matter of compensation, what you observe is very

just: in fact it is excessively so. But ah—ah—the _first_

contribution—the _first_, I say,—it is never the Magazine custom

to pay for—you comprehend, eh? The truth is, we are usually the

_recipients_ in such case.” [Mr. Crab smiled blandly as he

emphasized the word “recipients.”] “For the most part, we are

_paid_ for the insertion of a maiden attempt—especially in verse.

In the second place, Mr. Bob, the Magazine rule is never to

disburse what we term in France the _argent comptant_—I have no

doubt you understand. In a quarter or two after publication of

the article—or in a year or two—we make no objection to giving

our note at nine months; provided always that we can so arrange

our affairs as to be quite certain of a ‘burst up’ in six. I

really _do_ hope, Mr. Bob, that you will look upon this

explanation as satisfactory.” Here Mr. Crab concluded, and the

tears stood in his eyes.

Grieved to the soul at having been, however innocently, the cause

of pain to so eminent and so sensitive a man, I hastened to

apologize, and to reassure him, by expressing my perfect

coincidence with his views, as well as my entire appreciation of

the delicacy of his position. Having done all this in a neat

speech, I took leave.

One fine morning, very shortly afterwards, “I awoke and found

myself famous.” The extent of my renown will be best estimated by

reference to the editorial opinions of the day. These opinions,

it will be seen, were embodied in critical notices of the number

of the “Lollipop” containing my poem, and are perfectly

satisfactory, conclusive and clear with the exception, perhaps,

of the hieroglyphical marks, “_Sep_. 15—1 t.” appended to each of

the critiques.

The “Owl,” a journal of profound sagacity, and well known for the

deliberate gravity of its literary decisions—the “Owl,” I say,

spoke as follows:

“‘The Lollipop!’ The October number of this delicious Magazine

surpasses its predecessors, and sets competition at defiance. In

the beauty of its typography and paper—in the number and

excellence of its steel plates—as well as in the literary merit

of its contributions—the ‘Lollipop’ compares with its slow-paced

rivals as Hyperion with a Satyr. The ‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Rowdy-Dow,’

and the ‘Goosetherumfoodle,’ excel, it is true, in braggadocio,

but, in all other points, give us the ‘Lollipop!’ How this

celebrated journal can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses,

is more than we can understand. To be sure, it has a circulation

of 100,000, and its subscription-list has increased one-fourth

during the last month; but, on the other hand, the sums it

disburses constantly for contributions are inconceivable. It is

reported that Mr. Slyass received no less than thirty-seven and a

half cents for his inimitable paper on ‘Pigs.’ With Mr. Crab, as

editor, and with such names upon the list of contributors as Snob

and Slyass, there can be no such word as ‘fail’ for the

Lollipop.’ Go and subscribe. _Sep_. 15—1 _t.”_

I must say that I was gratified with this high-toned notice from

a paper so respectable as the “Owl.” The placing my name—that is

to say, my _nom de guerre_—in priority of station to that of the

great Slyass, was a compliment as happy as I felt it to be

deserved.

My attention was next arrested by these paragraphs in the

“Toad”—a print highly distinguished for its uprightness, and

independence—for its entire freedom from sycophancy and

subservience to the givers of dinners:

“The ‘Lollipop’ for October is out in advance of all its

contemporaries, and infinitely surpasses them, of course, in the

splendor of its embellishments, as well as in the richness of its

literary contents. The ‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Rowdy-Dow,’ and the

‘Goosetherumfoodle’ excel, we admit, in braggadocio, but, in all

other points, give us the ‘Lollipop. How this celebrated Magazine

can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses, is more than we

can understand. To be sure, it has a circulation of 200,000, and

its subscription list has increased one-third during the last

fortnight, but on the other hand, the sums it disburses, monthly,

for contributions, are fearfully great. We learn that Mr.

Mumblethumb received no less than fifty cents for his late

‘Monody in a Mud-Puddle.’

“Among the original contributors to the present number we notice,

(besides the eminent editor, Mr. Crab,) such men as Snob, Slyass,

and Mumblethumb. Apart from the editorial matter, the most

valuable paper, nevertheless, is, we think, a poetical gem by

Snob, on the ‘Oil-of-Bob’—but our readers must not suppose from

the title of this incomparable _bijou_, that it bears any

similitude to some balderdash on the same subject by a certain

contemptible individual whose name is unmentionable to ears

polite. The present poem ‘On the Oil-of-Bob,’ has excited

universal anxiety and curiosity in respect to the owner of the

evident pseudonym, ‘Snob’—a curiosity which, happily, we have it

in our power to satisfy. ‘Snob’ is the nom de plume of Mr.

Thingum Bob, of this city,—a relative of the great Mr. Thingum,

(after whom he is named,) and otherwise connected with the most

illustrious families of the State. His father, Thomas Bob, Esq.,

is an opulent merchant in Smug. _Sep_. 15—1 _t.”_

This generous approbation touched me to the heart—the more

especially as it emanated from a source so avowedly—so

proverbially pure as the “Toad.” The word “balderdash,” as

applied to the “Oil-of-Bob” of the Fly, I considered singularly

pungent and appropriate. The words “gem” and “_bijou_,” however,

used in reference to my composition, struck me as being, in some

degree, feeble, and seemed to me to be deficient in force. They

were not sufficiently _prononcés_, (as we have it in France).

I had hardly finished reading the “Toad,” when a friend placed in

my hands a copy of the “Mole,” a daily, enjoying high reputation

for the keenness of its perception about matters in general, and

for the open, honest, above-ground style of its editorials. The

“Mole” spoke of the “Lollipop” as follows:

“We have just received the ‘Lollipop’ for October, and must say

that never before have we perused any single number of any

periodical which afforded us a felicity so supreme. We speak

advisedly. The ‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Rowdy-Dow’ and the

‘Goosetherumfoodle’ must look well to their laurels. These

prints, no doubt, surpass every thing in loudness of pretension,

but, in all other points, give us the ‘Lollipop!’ How this

celebrated Magazine can sustain its evidently tremendous

expenses, is more than we can comprehend. To be sure, it has a

circulation of 300,000 and its subscription-list has increased

one-half within the last week, but then the sum it disburses,

monthly, for contributions, is astoundingly enormous. We have it

upon good authority, that Mr. Fatquack received no less than

sixty-two cents and a half for his late domestic nouvelette, the

‘Dish-Clout.’

“The contributors to the number before us are Mr. Crab, (the

eminent editor,) Snob, Mumblethumb, Fatquack, and others; but,

after the inimitable compositions of the editor himself, we

prefer a diamond-like effusion from the pen of a rising poet who

writes over the signature ‘Snob’—a nom de guerre which we predict

will one day extinguish the radiance of ‘Boz.’ ‘Snob,’ we learn,

is a Mr. Thingum Bob, Esq., sole heir of a wealthy merchant of

this city, Thomas Bob, Esq., and a near relative of the

distinguished Mr. Thingum. The title of Mr. B.‘s admirable poem

is the ‘Oil-of-Bob’—a somewhat unfortunate name, by-the-by, as

some contemptible vagabond connected with the penny press has

already disgusted the town with a great deal of drivel upon the

same topic. There will be no danger, however, of confounding the

compositions. Sep. 15—1 t.”

The generous approbation of so clear-sighted a journal as the

“Mole” penetrated my soul with delight. The only objection which

occurred to me was, that the terms “contemptible vagabond” might

have been better written “_odious and_ contemptible _wretch,

villain and_ vagabond.” This would have sounded more gracefully,

I think. “Diamond-like,” also, was scarcely, it will be admitted,

of sufficient intensity to express what the “Mole” evidently

_thought_ of the brilliancy of the “Oil-of-Bob.”

On the same afternoon in which I saw these notices in the “Owl,”

the “Toad,” and the “Mole” I happened to meet with a copy of the

“Daddy-Long-Legs,” a periodical proverbial for the extreme extent

of its understanding. And it was the “Daddy-Long-Legs” which

spoke thus:

“The ‘Lollipop!!’ This gorgeous magazine is already before the

public for October. The question of preeminence is forever put to

rest, and hereafter it will be excessively preposterous in the

‘Hum-Drum,’ the ‘Rowdy-Dow,’ or the ‘Goosetherumfoodle,’ to make

any farther spasmodic attempts at competition. These journals may

excel the ‘Lollipop’ in outcry, but, in all other points, give us

the ‘Lollipop!’ How this celebrated Magazine can sustain its

evidently tremendous expenses, is past comprehension. To be sure

it has a circulation of precisely half a million, and its

subscription-list has increased seventy-five per cent, within the

last couple of days; but then the sums it disburses, monthly, for

contributions, are scarcely credible; we are cognizant of the

fact, that Mademoiselle Cribalittle received no less than

eighty-seven cents and a half for her late valuable Revolutionary

Tale, entitled ‘The York-Town Katy-Did, and the Bunker-Hill

Katy-Didn’t.’

“The most able papers in the present number, are, of course,

those furnished by the editor, (the eminent Mr. Crab,) but there

are numerous magnificent contributions from such names as Snob,

Mademoiselle Cribalittle, Slyass, Mrs. Fibalittle, Mumblethumb,

Mrs. Squibalittle, and last, though not least, Fatquack. The

world may well be challenged to produce so rich a galaxy of

genius.

“The poem over the signature ‘Snob’ is, we find, attracting

universal commendation, and, we are constrained to say, deserves,

if possible, even more applause than it has received. The

‘Oil-of-Bob’ is the title of this masterpiece of eloquence and

art. One or two of our readers _may_ have a _very_ faint,

although sufficiently disgusting recollection of a poem (?)

similarly entitled, the perpetration of a miserable

penny-a-liner, mendicant, and cut-throat, connected in the

capacity of scullion, we believe, with one of the indecent prints

about the purlieus of the city; we beg them, for God’s sake, not

to confound the compositions. The author of the ‘Oil-of-Bob’ is,

we hear, Thingum Bob, Esq., a gentleman of high genius, and a

scholar. ‘Snob’ is merely a _nom-de-guerre. Sept_. 15—1 _t.”_

I could scarcely restrain my indignation while I perused the

concluding portions of this diatribe. It was clear to me that the

yea-nay manner—not to say the gentleness—the positive forbearance

with which the “Daddy-Long-Legs” spoke of that pig, the editor of

the “Gad-Fly”—it was evident to me, I say, that this gentleness

of speech could proceed from nothing else than a partiality for

the Fly—whom it was clearly the intention of the

“Daddy-Long-Legs” to elevate into reputation at my expense. Any

one, indeed, might perceive, with half an eye, that, had the real

design of the “Daddy” been what it wished to appear, it, (the

“Daddy”) might have expressed itself in terms more direct, more

pungent, and altogether more to the purpose. The words

“penny-a-liner,” “mendicant,” “scullion,” and “cut-throat,” were

epithets so intentionally inexpressive and equivocal, as to be

worse than nothing when applied to the author of the very worst

stanzas ever penned by one of the human race. We all know what is

meant by “damning with faint praise,” and, on the other hand, who

could fail seeing through the covert purpose of the “Daddy”—that

of glorifying with feeble abuse?

What the “Daddy” chose to say of the Fly, however, was no

business of mine. What it said of myself _was_. After the noble

manner in which the “Owl,” the “Toad,” the “Mole,” had expressed

themselves in respect to my ability, it was rather too much to be

coolly spoken of by a thing like the “Daddy-Long-Legs,” as merely

“a gentleman of high genius and a scholar.” Gentleman indeed! I

made up my mind at once, either to get a written apology from the

“Daddy-Long-Legs,” or to call it out.

Full of this purpose, I looked about me to find a friend whom I

could entrust with a message to his Daddyship, and as the editor

of the “Lollipop” had given me marked tokens of regard, I at

length concluded to seek assistance upon the present occasion.

I have never yet been able to account, in a manner satisfactory

to my own understanding, for the _very_ peculiar countenance and

demeanor with which Mr. Crab listened to me, as I unfolded to him

my design. He again went through the scene of the bell-rope and

cudgel, and did not omit the duck. At one period I thought he

really intended to quack. His fit, nevertheless, finally subsided

as before, and he began to act and speak in a rational way. He

declined bearing the cartel, however, and in fact, dissuaded me

from sending it at all; but was candid enough to admit that the

“Daddy-Long-Legs” had been disgracefully in the wrong—more

especially in what related to the epithets “gentleman and

scholar.”

Towards the end of this interview with Mr. Crab, who really

appeared to take a paternal interest in my welfare, he suggested

to me that I might turn an honest penny, and, at the same time,

advance my reputation, by occasionally playing Thomas Hawk for

the “Lollipop.”

I begged Mr. Crab to inform me who was Mr. Thomas Hawk, and how

it was expected that I should play him.

Here Mr. Crab again “made great eyes,” (as we say in Germany,)

but at length, recovering himself from a profound attack of

astonishment, he assured me that he employed the words “Thomas

Hawk” to avoid the colloquialism, Tommy, which was low—but that

the true idea was Tommy Hawk—or tomahawk—and that by “playing

tomahawk” he referred to scalping, brow-beating and otherwise

using-up the herd of poor-devil authors.

I assured my patron that, if this was all, I was perfectly

resigned to the task of playing Thomas Hawk. Hereupon Mr. Crab

desired me to use-up the editor of the “Gad-Fly” forthwith, in

the fiercest style within the scope of my ability, and as a

specimen of my powers. This I did, upon the spot, in a review of

the original “Oil-of-Bob,” occupying thirty-six pages of the

“Lollipop.” I found playing Thomas Hawk, indeed, a far less

onerous occupation than poetizing; for I went upon _system_

altogether, and thus it was easy to do the thing thoroughly and

well. My practice was this. I bought auction copies (cheap) of

“Lord Brougham’s Speeches,” “Cobbett’s Complete Works,” the “New

Slang-Syllabus,” the “Whole Art of Snubbing,” “Prentice’s

Billingsgate” (folio edition,) and “Lewis G. Clarke on Tongue.”

These works I cut up thoroughly with a currycomb, and then,

throwing the shreds into a sieve, sifted out carefully all that

might be thought decent, (a mere trifle); reserving the hard

phrases, which I threw into a large tin pepper-castor with

longitudinal holes, so that an entire sentence could get through

without material injury. The mixture was then ready for use. When

called upon to play Thomas Hawk, I anointed a sheet of fools-cap

with the white of a gander’s egg; then, shredding the thing to be

reviewed as I had previously shredded the books,—only with more

care, so as to get every word separate—I threw the latter shreds

in with the former, screwed on the lid of the castor, gave it a

shake, and so dusted out the mixture upon the egged foolscap;

where it stuck. The effect was beautiful to behold. It was

captivating. Indeed, the reviews I brought to pass by this simple

expedient have never been approached, and were the wonder of the

world. At first, through bashfulness—the result of inexperience—I

was a little put out by a certain inconsistency—a certain air of

the _bizarre_, (as we say in France,) worn by the composition as

a whole. All the phrases did not _fit_, (as we say in the

Anglo-Saxon). Many were quite awry. Some, even, were

up-side-down; and there were none of them which were not, in some

measure, injured in regard to effect, by this latter species of

accident, when it occurred—with the exception of Mr. Lewis

Clarke’s paragraphs, which were so vigorous, and altogether

stout, that they seemed not particularly disconcerted by any

extreme of position, but looked equally happy and satisfactory,

whether on their heads, or on their heels.

What became of the editor of the “Gad-Fly,” after the publication

of my criticism on his “Oil-of-Bob,” it is somewhat difficult to

determine. The most reasonable conclusion is, that he wept

himself to death. At all events he disappeared instantaneously

from the face of the earth, and no man has seen even the ghost of

him since.

This matter having been properly accomplished, and the Furies

appeased, I grew at once into high favor with Mr. Crab. He took

me into his confidence, gave me a permanent situation as Thomas

Hawk of the “Lollipop,” and, as for the present, he could afford

me no salary, allowed me to profit, at discretion, by his advice.

“My dear Thingum,” said he to me one day after dinner, “I respect

your abilities and love you as a son. You shall be my heir. When

I die I will bequeath you the ‘Lollipop.’ In the meantime I will

make a man of you—I _will_—provided always that you follow my

counsel. The first thing to do is to get rid of the old bore.”

“Boar?” said I inquiringly—“pig, eh?—_aper?_ (as we say in

Latin)—who?—where?”

“Your father,” said he.

“Precisely,” I replied,—“pig.”

“You have your fortune to make, Thingum,” resumed Mr. Crab, “and

that governor of yours is a millstone about your neck. We must

cut him at once.” [Here I took out my knife.] “We must cut him,”

continued Mr. Crab, “decidedly and forever. He won’t do—he

_won’t_. Upon second thoughts, you had better kick him, or cane

him, or something of that kind.”

“What do you say,” I suggested modestly, “to my kicking him in

the first instance, caning him afterwards, and winding up by

tweaking his nose?”

Mr. Crab looked at me musingly for some moments, and then

answered:

“I think, Mr. Bob, that what you propose would answer

sufficiently well—indeed remarkably well—that is to say, as far

as it went—but barbers are exceedingly hard to cut, and I think,

upon the whole, that, having performed upon Thomas Bob the

operations you suggest, it would be advisable to blacken, with

your fists, both his eyes, very carefully and thoroughly, to

prevent his ever seeing you again in fashionable promenades.

After doing this, I really do not perceive that you can do any

more. However—it might be just as well to roll him once or twice

in the gutter, and then put him in charge of the police. Any time

the next morning you can call at the watch-house and swear an

assault.”

I was much affected by the kindness of feeling towards me

personally, which was evinced in this excellent advice of Mr.

Crab, and I did not fail to profit by it forthwith. The result

was, that I got rid of the old bore, and began to feel a little

independent and gentleman-like. The want of money, however, was,

for a few weeks, a source of some discomfort; but at length, by

carefully putting to use my two eyes, and observing how matters

went just in front of my nose, I perceived how the thing was to

be brought about. I say “thing”—be it observed—for they tell me

the Latin for it is _rem_. By the way, talking of Latin, can any

one tell me the meaning of _quocunque_—or what is the meaning of

_modo?_

My plan was exceedingly simple. I bought, for a song, a sixteenth

of the “Snapping-Turtle”:—that was all. The thing was _done_, and

I put money in my purse. There were some trivial arrangements

afterwards, to be sure; but these formed no portion of the plan.

They were a consequence—a result. For example, I bought pen, ink,

and paper, and put them into furious activity. Having thus

completed a Magazine article, I gave it, for appellation,

“Fol-Lol, _by the Author of_ ‘The Oil-of-Bob,’” and enveloped it

to the “Goosetherumfoodle.” That journal, however, having

pronounced it “twattle” in the “Monthly Notices to

Correspondents,” I reheaded the paper “‘Hey-Diddle-Diddle,’ by

Thingum Bob, Esq., Author of the Ode on ‘The Oil-of-Bob,’ _and_

Editor of the ‘Snapping-Turtle.’” With this amendment, I

re-enclosed it to the “Goosetherumfoodle,” and, while I awaited a

reply, published daily, in the “Turtle,” six columns of what may

be termed philosophical and analytical investigation of the

literary merits of the “Goosetherumfoodle,” as well as of the

personal character of the editor of the “Goosetherumfoodle.” At

the end of a week the “Goosetherumfoodle” discovered that it had,

by some odd mistake, “confounded a stupid article, headed

‘Hey-Diddle-Diddle’ and composed by some unknown ignoramus, with

a gem of resplendent lustre similarly entitled, the work of

Thingum Bob, Esq., the celebrated author of ‘The Oil-of-Bob.’”

The “Goosetherumfoodle” deeply “regretted this very natural

accident,” and promised, moreover, an insertion of the _genuine_

“Hey-Diddle-Diddle” in the very next number of the Magazine.

The fact is, I _thought_—I _really_ thought—I thought at the

time—I thought _then_—and have no reason for thinking otherwise

_now_—that the “Goosetherumfoodle” _did_ make a mistake. With the

best intentions in the world, I never knew any thing that made as

many singular mistakes as the “Goosetherumfoodle.” From that day

I took a liking to the “Goosetherumfoodle,” and the result was I

soon saw into the very depths of its literary merits, and did not

fail to expatiate upon them, in the “Turtle,” whenever a fitting

opportunity occurred. And it is to be regarded as a very peculiar

coincidence—as one of those positively _remarkable_ coincidences

which set a man to serious thinking—that just such a total

revolution of opinion—just such entire _bouleversement_, (as we

say in French,)—just such thorough _topsiturviness_, (if I may be

permitted to employ a rather forcible term of the Choctaws,) as

happened, _pro_ and _con_, between myself on the one part, and

the “Goosetherumfoodle” on the other, did actually again happen,

in a brief period afterwards, and with precisely similar

circumstances, in the case of myself and the “Rowdy-Dow,” and in

the case of myself and the “Hum-Drum.”

Thus it was that, by a master-stroke of genius, I at length

consummated my triumphs by “putting money in my purse,” and thus

may be said really and fairly to have commenced that brilliant

and eventful career which rendered me illustrious, and which now

enables me to say, with Chateaubriand, “I have made

history”—“_J’ai fait l’histoire_.”

I have indeed “made history.” From the bright epoch which I now

record, my actions—my works—are the property of mankind. They are

familiar to the world. It is, then, needless for me to detail

how, soaring rapidly, I fell heir to the “Lollipop”—how I merged

this journal in the “Hum-Drum”—how again I made purchase of the

“Rowdy-Dow,” thus combining the three periodicals—how, lastly, I

effected a bargain for the sole remaining rival, and united all

the literature of the country in one magnificent Magazine, known

everywhere as the

“Rowdy-Dow, Lollipop, Hum-Drum,

and

goosetherumfoodle.”

Yes; I have made history. My fame is universal. It extends to the

uttermost ends of the earth. You cannot take up a common

newspaper in which you shall not see some allusion to the

immortal Thingum Bob. It is Mr. Thingum Bob said so, and Mr.

Thingum Bob wrote this, and Mr. Thingum Bob did that. But I am

meek and expire with an humble heart. After all, what is it?—this

indescribable something which men will persist in terming

“genius?” I agree with Buffon—with Hogarth—it is but _diligence_

after all.

Look at _me!_—how I labored—how I toiled—how I wrote! Ye Gods,

did I _not_ write? I knew not the word “ease.” By day I adhered

to my desk, and at night, a pale student, I consumed the midnight

oil. You should have seen me—you _should_. I leaned to the right.

I leaned to the left. I sat forward. I sat backward. I sat upon

end. I sat _tete baissée_, (as they have it in the Kickapoo,)

bowing my head close to the alabaster page. And, through all,

I—_wrote_. Through joy and through sorrow, I—_wrote_. Through

hunger and through thirst, I—_wrote_. Through good report and

through ill report, I—_wrote_. Through sunshine and through

moonshine, I—_wrote. What_ I wrote it is unnecessary to say. The

_style!_—that was the thing. I caught it from

Fatquack—whizz!—fizz!—— and I am giving you a specimen of it now.

HOW TO WRITE A “BLACKWOOD” ARTICLE

“In the name of the Prophet—figs!!”

—_Cry of the Turkish fig-peddler._

I presume everybody has heard of me. My name is the Signora

Psyche Zenobia. This I know to be a fact. Nobody but my enemies

ever calls me Suky Snobbs. I have been assured that Suky is but a

vulgar corruption of Psyche, which is good Greek, and means “the

soul” (that’s me, I’m all soul) and sometimes “a butterfly,”

which latter meaning undoubtedly alludes to my appearance in my

new crimson satin dress, with the sky-blue Arabian mantelet, and

the trimmings of green agraffas, and the seven flounces of

orange-colored auriculas. As for Snobbs—any person who should

look at me would be instantly aware that my name wasn’t Snobbs.

Miss Tabitha Turnip propagated that report through sheer envy.

Tabitha Turnip indeed! Oh the little wretch! But what can we

expect from a turnip? Wonder if she remembers the old adage about

“blood out of a turnip,” &c.? [Mem. put her in mind of it the

first opportunity.] [Mem. again—pull her nose.] Where was I? Ah!

I have been assured that Snobbs is a mere corruption of Zenobia,

and that Zenobia was a queen—(So am I. Dr. Moneypenny always

calls me the Queen of the Hearts)—and that Zenobia, as well as

Psyche, is good Greek, and that my father was “a Greek,” and that

consequently I have a right to our patronymic, which is Zenobia

and not by any means Snobbs. Nobody but Tabitha Turnip calls me

Suky Snobbs. I am the Signora Psyche Zenobia.

As I said before, everybody has heard of me. I am that very

Signora Psyche Zenobia, so justly celebrated as corresponding

secretary to the “Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total,

Young, Belles, Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical,

Association, To, Civilize, Humanity.” Dr. Moneypenny made the

title for us, and says he chose it because it sounded big like an

empty rum-puncheon. (A vulgar man that sometimes—but he’s deep.)

We all sign the initials of the society after our names, in the

fashion of the R. S. A., Royal Society of Arts—the S. D. U. K.,

Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge, &c, &c. Dr.

Moneypenny says that S. stands for stale, and that D. U. K.

spells duck, (but it don’t,) that S. D. U. K. stands for Stale

Duck and not for Lord Brougham’s society—but then Dr. Moneypenny

is such a queer man that I am never sure when he is telling me

the truth. At any rate we always add to our names the initials P.

R. E. T. T. Y. B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H.—that is to say,

Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total, Young, Belles,

Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical, Association,

To, Civilize, Humanity—one letter for each word, which is a

decided improvement upon Lord Brougham. Dr. Moneypenny will have

it that our initials give our true character—but for my life I

can’t see what he means.

Notwithstanding the good offices of the Doctor, and the strenuous

exertions of the association to get itself into notice, it met

with no very great success until I joined it. The truth is, the

members indulged in too flippant a tone of discussion. The papers

read every Saturday evening were characterized less by depth than

buffoonery. They were all whipped syllabub. There was no

investigation of first causes, first principles. There was no

investigation of any thing at all. There was no attention paid to

that great point, the “fitness of things.” In short there was no

fine writing like this. It was all low—very! No profundity, no

reading, no metaphysics—nothing which the learned call

spirituality, and which the unlearned choose to stigmatize as

cant. [Dr. M. says I ought to spell “cant” with a capital K—but I

know better.]

When I joined the society it was my endeavor to introduce a

better style of thinking and writing, and all the world knows how

well I have succeeded. We get up as good papers now in the P. R.

E. T. T. Y. B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H. as any to be found even in

Blackwood. I say, Blackwood, because I have been assured that the

finest writing, upon every subject, is to be discovered in the

pages of that justly celebrated Magazine. We now take it for our

model upon all themes, and are getting into rapid notice

accordingly. And, after all, it’s not so very difficult a matter

to compose an article of the genuine Blackwood stamp, if one only

goes properly about it. Of course I don’t speak of the political

articles. Everybody knows how they are managed, since Dr.

Moneypenny explained it. Mr. Blackwood has a pair of

tailor’s-shears, and three apprentices who stand by him for

orders. One hands him the “Times,” another the “Examiner” and a

third a “Culley’s New Compendium of Slang-Whang.” Mr. B. merely

cuts out and intersperses. It is soon done—nothing but

“Examiner,” “Slang-Whang,” and “Times”—then “Times,”

“Slang-Whang,” and “Examiner”—and then “Times,” “Examiner,” and

“Slang-Whang.”

But the chief merit of the Magazine lies in its miscellaneous

articles; and the best of these come under the head of what Dr.

Moneypenny calls the bizarreries (whatever that may mean) and

what everybody else calls the intensities. This is a species of

writing which I have long known how to appreciate, although it is

only since my late visit to Mr. Blackwood (deputed by the

society) that I have been made aware of the exact method of

composition. This method is very simple, but not so much so as

the politics. Upon my calling at Mr. B.‘s, and making known to

him the wishes of the society, he received me with great

civility, took me into his study, and gave me a clear explanation

of the whole process.

“My dear madam,” said he, evidently struck with my majestic

appearance, for I had on the crimson satin, with the green

agraffas, and orange-colored auriclas. “My dear madam,” said he,

“sit down. The matter stands thus: In the first place your writer

of intensities must have very black ink, and a very big pen, with

a very blunt nib. And, mark me, Miss Psyche Zenobia!” he

continued, after a pause, with the most expressive energy and

solemnity of manner, “mark me!—that pen—must—never be mended!

Herein, madam, lies the secret, the soul, of intensity. I assume

upon myself to say, that no individual, of however great genius

ever wrote with a good pen—understand me,—a good article. You may

take, it for granted, that when manuscript can be read it is

never worth reading. This is a leading principle in our faith, to

which if you cannot readily assent, our conference is at an end.”

He paused. But, of course, as I had no wish to put an end to the

conference, I assented to a proposition so very obvious, and one,

too, of whose truth I had all along been sufficiently aware. He

seemed pleased, and went on with his instructions.

“It may appear invidious in me, Miss Psyche Zenobia, to refer you

to any article, or set of articles, in the way of model or study,

yet perhaps I may as well call your attention to a few cases. Let

me see. There was ‘The Dead Alive,’ a capital thing!—the record

of a gentleman’s sensations when entombed before the breath was

out of his body—full of tastes, terror, sentiment, metaphysics,

and erudition. You would have sworn that the writer had been born

and brought up in a coffin. Then we had the ‘Confessions of an

Opium-eater’—fine, very fine!—glorious imagination—deep

philosophy acute speculation—plenty of fire and fury, and a good

spicing of the decidedly unintelligible. That was a nice bit of

flummery, and went down the throats of the people delightfully.

They would have it that Coleridge wrote the paper—but not so. It

was composed by my pet baboon, Juniper, over a rummer of Hollands

and water, ‘hot, without sugar.’” [This I could scarcely have

believed had it been anybody but Mr. Blackwood, who assured me of

it.] “Then there was ‘The Involuntary Experimentalist,’ all about

a gentleman who got baked in an oven, and came out alive and

well, although certainly done to a turn. And then there was ‘The

Diary of a Late Physician,’ where the merit lay in good rant, and

indifferent Greek—both of them taking things with the public. And

then there was ‘The Man in the Bell,’ a paper by-the-by, Miss

Zenobia, which I cannot sufficiently recommend to your attention.

It is the history of a young person who goes to sleep under the

clapper of a church bell, and is awakened by its tolling for a

funeral. The sound drives him mad, and, accordingly, pulling out

his tablets, he gives a record of his sensations. Sensations are

the great things after all. Should you ever be drowned or hung,

be sure and make a note of your sensations—they will be worth to

you ten guineas a sheet. If you wish to write forcibly, Miss

Zenobia, pay minute attention to the sensations.”

“That I certainly will, Mr. Blackwood,” said I.

“Good!” he replied. “I see you are a pupil after my own heart.

But I must put you au fait to the details necessary in composing

what may be denominated a genuine Blackwood article of the

sensation stamp—the kind which you will understand me to say I

consider the best for all purposes.

“The first thing requisite is to get yourself into such a scrape

as no one ever got into before. The oven, for instance,—that was

a good hit. But if you have no oven or big bell, at hand, and if

you cannot conveniently tumble out of a balloon, or be swallowed

up in an earthquake, or get stuck fast in a chimney, you will

have to be contented with simply imagining some similar

misadventure. I should prefer, however, that you have the actual

fact to bear you out. Nothing so well assists the fancy, as an

experimental knowledge of the matter in hand. ‘Truth is strange,’

you know, ‘stranger than fiction’—besides being more to the

purpose.”

Here I assured him I had an excellent pair of garters, and would

go and hang myself forthwith.

“Good!” he replied, “do so;—although hanging is somewhat

hacknied. Perhaps you might do better. Take a dose of Brandreth’s

pills, and then give us your sensations. However, my instructions

will apply equally well to any variety of misadventure, and in

your way home you may easily get knocked in the head, or run over

by an omnibus, or bitten by a mad dog, or drowned in a gutter.

But to proceed.

“Having determined upon your subject, you must next consider the

tone, or manner, of your narration. There is the tone didactic,

the tone enthusiastic, the tone natural—all commonplace enough.

But then there is the tone laconic, or curt, which has lately

come much into use. It consists in short sentences. Somehow thus:

Can’t be too brief. Can’t be too snappish. Always a full stop.

And never a paragraph.

“Then there is the tone elevated, diffusive, and interjectional.

Some of our best novelists patronize this tone. The words must be

all in a whirl, like a humming-top, and make a noise very

similar, which answers remarkably well instead of meaning. This

is the best of all possible styles where the writer is in too

great a hurry to think.

“The tone metaphysical is also a good one. If you know any big

words this is your chance for them. Talk of the Ionic and Eleatic

schools—of Archytas, Gorgias, and Alcmaeon. Say something about

objectivity and subjectivity. Be sure and abuse a man named

Locke. Turn up your nose at things in general, and when you let

slip any thing a little too absurd, you need not be at the

trouble of scratching it out, but just add a footnote and say

that you are indebted for the above profound observation to the

‘Kritik der reinem Vernunft,’ or to the ‘Metaphysithe

Anfongsgrunde der Noturwissenchaft.’ This would look erudite

and—and—and frank.

“There are various other tones of equal celebrity, but I shall

mention only two more—the tone transcendental and the tone

heterogeneous. In the former the merit consists in seeing into

the nature of affairs a very great deal farther than anybody

else. This second sight is very efficient when properly managed.

A little reading of the ‘Dial’ will carry you a great way.

Eschew, in this case, big words; get them as small as possible,

and write them upside down. Look over Channing’s poems and quote

what he says about a ‘fat little man with a delusive show of

Can.’ Put in something about the Supernal Oneness. Don’t say a

syllable about the Infernal Twoness. Above all, study innuendo.

Hint everything—assert nothing. If you feel inclined to say

‘bread and butter,’ do not by any means say it outright. You may

say any thing and every thing approaching to ‘bread and butter.’

You may hint at buck-wheat cake, or you may even go so far as to

insinuate oat-meal porridge, but if bread and butter be your real

meaning, be cautious, my dear Miss Psyche, not on any account to

say ‘bread and butter!’”

I assured him that I should never say it again as long as I

lived. He kissed me and continued:

“As for the tone heterogeneous, it is merely a judicious mixture,

in equal proportions, of all the other tones in the world, and is

consequently made up of every thing deep, great, odd, piquant,

pertinent, and pretty.

“Let us suppose now you have determined upon your incidents and

tone. The most important portion—in fact, the soul of the whole

business, is yet to be attended to—I allude to the filling up. It

is not to be supposed that a lady, or gentleman either, has been

leading the life of a book worm. And yet above all things it is

necessary that your article have an air of erudition, or at least

afford evidence of extensive general reading. Now I’ll put you in

the way of accomplishing this point. See here!” (pulling down

some three or four ordinary-looking volumes, and opening them at

random). “By casting your eye down almost any page of any book in

the world, you will be able to perceive at once a host of little

scraps of either learning or _bel-esprit-ism_, which are the very

thing for the spicing of a Blackwood article. You might as well

note down a few while I read them to you. I shall make two

divisions: first, Piquant Facts for the Manufacture of Similes,

and, second, Piquant Expressions to be introduced as occasion may

require. Write now!”—and I wrote as he dictated.

“PIQUANT FACTS FOR SIMILES. ‘There were originally but three

Muses—Melete, Mneme, Aœde—meditation, memory, and singing.’ You

may make a good deal of that little fact if properly worked. You

see it is not generally known, and looks _recherché_. You must be

careful and give the thing with a downright improviso air.

“Again. ‘The river Alpheus passed beneath the sea, and emerged

without injury to the purity of its waters.’ Rather stale that,

to be sure, but, if properly dressed and dished up, will look

quite as fresh as ever.

“Here is something better. ‘The Persian Iris appears to some

persons to possess a sweet and very powerful perfume, while to

others it is perfectly scentless.’ Fine that, and very delicate!

Turn it about a little, and it will do wonders. We’ll have some

thing else in the botanical line. There’s nothing goes down so

well, especially with the help of a little Latin. Write!

“‘_The Epidendrum Flos Aeris_, of Java, bears a very beautiful

flower, and will live when pulled up by the roots. The natives

suspend it by a cord from the ceiling, and enjoy its fragrance

for years.’ That’s capital! That will do for the similes. Now for

the Piquant Expressions.

“PIQUANT EXPRESSIONS. ‘_The Venerable Chinese novel Ju-Kiao-Li_.’

Good! By introducing these few words with dexterity you will

evince your intimate acquaintance with the language and

literature of the Chinese. With the aid of this you may either

get along without either Arabic, or Sanscrit, or Chickasaw. There

is no passing muster, however, without Spanish, Italian, German,

Latin, and Greek. I must look you out a little specimen of each.

Any scrap will answer, because you must depend upon your own

ingenuity to make it fit into your article. Now write!

“‘_Aussi tendre que Zaire_’—as tender as Zaire-French. Alludes to

the frequent repetition of the phrase, _la tendre Zaire_, in the

French tragedy of that name. Properly introduced, will show not

only your knowledge of the language, but your general reading and

wit. You can say, for instance, that the chicken you were eating

(write an article about being choked to death by a chicken-bone)

was not altogether _aussi tendre que Zaire_. Write!

‘Van muerte tan escondida,

Que no te sienta venir,

Porque el plazer del morir,

No mestorne a dar la vida.’

“That’s Spanish—from Miguel de Cervantes. ‘Come quickly, O death!

but be sure and don’t let me see you coming, lest the pleasure I

shall feel at your appearance should unfortunately bring me back

again to life.’ This you may slip in quite a propos when you are

struggling in the last agonies with the chicken-bone. Write!

‘Il pover ‘huomo che non se’n era accorto,

Andava combattendo, e era morto.‘

“That’s Italian, you perceive—from Ariosto. It means that a great

hero, in the heat of combat, not perceiving that he had been

fairly killed, continued to fight valiantly, dead as he was. The

application of this to your own case is obvious—for I trust, Miss

Psyche, that you will not neglect to kick for at least an hour

and a half after you have been choked to death by that

chicken-bone. Please to write!

‘Und sterb’ich doch, no sterb’ich denn

Durch sie—durch sie!’’

“That’s German—from Schiller. ‘And if I die, at least I die—for

thee—for thee!’ Here it is clear that you are apostrophizing the

cause of your disaster, the chicken. Indeed what gentleman (or

lady either) of sense, wouldn’t die, I should like to know, for a

well fattened capon of the right Molucca breed, stuffed with

capers and mushrooms, and served up in a salad-bowl, with

orange-jellies _en mosaïques_. Write! (You can get them that way

at Tortoni’s)—Write, if you please!

“Here is a nice little Latin phrase, and rare too, (one can’t be

too _recherché_ or brief in one’s Latin, it’s getting so

common—ignoratio elenchi. He has committed an ignoratio

elenchi—that is to say, he has understood the words of your

proposition, but not the idea. The man was a fool, you see. Some

poor fellow whom you address while choking with that

chicken-bone, and who therefore didn’t precisely understand what

you were talking about. Throw the ignoratio elenchi in his teeth,

and, at once, you have him annihilated. If he dares to reply, you

can tell him from Lucan (here it is) that speeches are mere

anemonae verborum, anemone words. The anemone, with great

brilliancy, has no smell. Or, if he begins to bluster, you may be

down upon him with insomnia Jovis, reveries of Jupiter—a phrase

which Silius Italicus (see here!) applies to thoughts pompous and

inflated. This will be sure and cut him to the heart. He can do

nothing but roll over and die. Will you be kind enough to write?

“In Greek we must have some thing pretty—from Demosthenes, for

example. Ανερο φευων και παλιν μαχεσεται. [Aner o pheugoen kai

palin makesetai.] There is a tolerably good translation of it in

Hudibras—

‘For he that flies may fight again,

Which he can never do that’s slain.’

In a Blackwood article nothing makes so fine a show as your

Greek. The very letters have an air of profundity about them.

Only observe, madam, the astute look of that Epsilon! That Phi

ought certainly to be a bishop! Was ever there a smarter fellow

than that Omicron? Just twig that Tau! In short, there is nothing

like Greek for a genuine sensation-paper. In the present case

your application is the most obvious thing in the world. Rap out

the sentence, with a huge oath, and by way of ultimatum at the

good-for-nothing dunder-headed villain who couldn’t understand

your plain English in relation to the chicken-bone. He’ll take

the hint and be off, you may depend upon it.”

These were all the instructions Mr. B. could afford me upon the

topic in question, but I felt they would be entirely sufficient.

I was, at length, able to write a genuine Blackwood article, and

determined to do it forthwith. In taking leave of me, Mr. B. made

a proposition for the purchase of the paper when written; but as

he could offer me only fifty guineas a sheet, I thought it better

to let our society have it, than sacrifice it for so paltry a

sum. Notwithstanding this niggardly spirit, however, the

gentleman showed his consideration for me in all other respects,

and indeed treated me with the greatest civility. His parting

words made a deep impression upon my heart, and I hope I shall

always remember them with gratitude.

“My dear Miss Zenobia,” he said, while the tears stood in his

eyes, “is there anything else I can do to promote the success of

your laudable undertaking? Let me reflect! It is just possible

that you may not be able, so soon as convenient, to—to—get

yourself drowned, or—choked with a chicken-bone, or—or

hung,—or—bitten by a—but stay! Now I think me of it, there are a

couple of very excellent bull-dogs in the yard—fine fellows, I

assure you—savage, and all that—indeed just the thing for your

money—they’ll have you eaten up, auricula and all, in less than

five minutes (here’s my watch!)—and then only think of the

sensations! Here! I say—Tom!—Peter!—Dick, you villain!—let out

those”—but as I was really in a great hurry, and had not another

moment to spare, I was reluctantly forced to expedite my

departure, and accordingly took leave at once—somewhat more

abruptly, I admit, than strict courtesy would have otherwise

allowed.

It was my primary object upon quitting Mr. Blackwood, to get into

some immediate difficulty, pursuant to his advice, and with this

view I spent the greater part of the day in wandering about

Edinburgh, seeking for desperate adventures—adventures adequate

to the intensity of my feelings, and adapted to the vast

character of the article I intended to write. In this excursion I

was attended by one negro servant, Pompey, and my little lap-dog

Diana, whom I had brought with me from Philadelphia. It was not,

however, until late in the afternoon that I fully succeeded in my

arduous undertaking. An important event then happened of which

the following Blackwood article, in the tone heterogeneous, is

the substance and result.

A PREDICAMENT

What chance, good lady, hath bereft you thus?—COMUS.

It was a quiet and still afternoon when I strolled forth in the

goodly city of Edina. The confusion and bustle in the streets

were terrible. Men were talking. Women were screaming. Children

were choking. Pigs were whistling. Carts they rattled. Bulls they

bellowed. Cows they lowed. Horses they neighed. Cats they

caterwauled. Dogs they danced. _Danced!_ Could it then be

possible? Danced! Alas, thought I, my dancing days are over! Thus

it is ever. What a host of gloomy recollections will ever and

anon be awakened in the mind of genius and imaginative

contemplation, especially of a genius doomed to the everlasting,

and eternal, and continual, and, as one might say,

the—continued—yes, the continued and continuous, bitter,

harassing, disturbing, and, if I may be allowed the expression,

the very disturbing influence of the serene, and godlike, and

heavenly, and exalted, and elevated, and purifying effect of what

may be rightly termed the most enviable, the most truly

enviable—nay! the most benignly beautiful, the most deliciously

ethereal, and, as it were, the most pretty (if I may use so bold

an expression) thing (pardon me, gentle reader!) in the world—but

I am always led away by my feelings. In such a mind, I repeat,

what a host of recollections are stirred up by a trifle! The dogs

danced! I—I could not! They frisked—I wept. They capered—I sobbed

aloud. Touching circumstances! which cannot fail to bring to the

recollection of the classical reader that exquisite passage in

relation to the fitness of things, which is to be found in the

commencement of the third volume of that admirable and venerable

Chinese novel the Jo-Go-Slow.

In my solitary walk through, the city I had two humble but

faithful companions. Diana, my poodle! sweetest of creatures! She

had a quantity of hair over her one eye, and a blue ribbon tied

fashionably around her neck. Diana was not more than five inches

in height, but her head was somewhat bigger than her body, and

her tail being cut off exceedingly close, gave an air of injured

innocence to the interesting animal which rendered her a favorite

with all.

And Pompey, my negro!—sweet Pompey! how shall I ever forget thee?

I had taken Pompey’s arm. He was three feet in height (I like to

be particular) and about seventy, or perhaps eighty, years of

age. He had bow-legs and was corpulent. His mouth should not be

called small, nor his ears short. His teeth, however, were like

pearl, and his large full eyes were deliciously white. Nature had

endowed him with no neck, and had placed his ankles (as usual

with that race) in the middle of the upper portion of the feet.

He was clad with a striking simplicity. His sole garments were a

stock of nine inches in height, and a nearly-new drab overcoat

which had formerly been in the service of the tall, stately, and

illustrious Dr. Moneypenny. It was a good overcoat. It was well

cut. It was well made. The coat was nearly new. Pompey held it up

out of the dirt with both hands.

There were three persons in our party, and two of them have

already been the subject of remark. There was a third—that person

was myself. I am the Signora Psyche Zenobia. I am not Suky

Snobbs. My appearance is commanding. On the memorable occasion of

which I speak I was habited in a crimson satin dress, with a

sky-blue Arabian mantelet. And the dress had trimmings of green

agraffas, and seven graceful flounces of the orange-colored

auricula. I thus formed the third of the party. There was the

poodle. There was Pompey. There was myself. We were three. Thus

it is said there were originally but three Furies—Melty, Nimmy,

and Hetty—Meditation, Memory, and Fiddling.

Leaning upon the arm of the gallant Pompey, and attended at a

respectable distance by Diana, I proceeded down one of the

populous and very pleasant streets of the now deserted Edina. On

a sudden, there presented itself to view a church—a Gothic

cathedral—vast, venerable, and with a tall steeple, which towered

into the sky. What madness now possessed me? Why did I rush upon

my fate? I was seized with an uncontrollable desire to ascend the

giddy pinnacle, and then survey the immense extent of the city.

The door of the cathedral stood invitingly open. My destiny

prevailed. I entered the ominous archway. Where then was my

guardian angel?—if indeed such angels there be. If! Distressing

monosyllable! what world of mystery, and meaning, and doubt, and

uncertainty is there involved in thy two letters! I entered the

ominous archway! I entered; and, without injury to my

orange-colored auriculas, I passed beneath the portal, and

emerged within the vestibule. Thus it is said the immense river

Alfred passed, unscathed, and unwetted, beneath the sea.

I thought the staircase would never have an end. Round! Yes, they

went round and up, and round and up and round and up, until I

could not help surmising, with the sagacious Pompey, upon whose

supporting arm I leaned in all the confidence of early

affection—I could not help surmising that the upper end of the

continuous spiral ladder had been accidentally, or perhaps

designedly, removed. I paused for breath; and, in the meantime,

an accident occurred of too momentous a nature in a moral, and

also in a metaphysical point of view, to be passed over without

notice. It appeared to me—indeed I was quite confident of the

fact—I could not be mistaken—no! I had, for some moments,

carefully and anxiously observed the motions of my Diana—I say

that I could not be mistaken—Diana smelt a rat! At once I called

Pompey’s attention to the subject, and he—he agreed with me.

There was then no longer any reasonable room for doubt. The rat

had been smelled—and by Diana. Heavens! shall I ever forget the

intense excitement of the moment? Alas! what is the boasted

intellect of man? The rat!—it was there—that is to say, it was

somewhere. Diana smelled the rat. I—I could not! Thus it is said

the Prussian Isis has, for some persons, a sweet and very

powerful perfume, while to others it is perfectly scentless.

The staircase had been surmounted, and there were now only three

or four more upward steps intervening between us and the summit.

We still ascended, and now only one step remained. One step! One

little, little step! Upon one such little step in the great

staircase of human life how vast a sum of human happiness or

misery depends! I thought of myself, then of Pompey, and then of

the mysterious and inexplicable destiny which surrounded us. I

thought of Pompey!—alas, I thought of love! I thought of my many

false steps which have been taken, and may be taken again. I

resolved to be more cautious, more reserved. I abandoned the arm

of Pompey, and, without his assistance, surmounted the one

remaining step, and gained the chamber of the belfry. I was

followed immediately afterward by my poodle. Pompey alone

remained behind. I stood at the head of the staircase, and

encouraged him to ascend. He stretched forth to me his hand, and

unfortunately in so doing was forced to abandon his firm hold

upon the overcoat. Will the gods never cease their persecution?

The overcoat is dropped, and, with one of his feet, Pompey

stepped upon the long and trailing skirt of the overcoat. He

stumbled and fell—this consequence was inevitable. He fell

forward, and, with his accursed head, striking me full in the—in

the breast, precipitated me headlong, together with himself, upon

the hard, filthy, and detestable floor of the belfry. But my

revenge was sure, sudden, and complete. Seizing him furiously by

the wool with both hands, I tore out a vast quantity of black,

and crisp, and curling material, and tossed it from me with every

manifestation of disdain. It fell among the ropes of the belfry

and remained. Pompey arose, and said no word. But he regarded me

piteously with his large eyes and—sighed. Ye Gods—that sigh! It

sunk into my heart. And the hair—the wool! Could I have reached

that wool I would have bathed it with my tears, in testimony of

regret. But alas! it was now far beyond my grasp. As it dangled

among the cordage of the bell, I fancied it alive. I fancied that

it stood on end with indignation. Thus the happy-dandy Flos Aeris

of Java bears, it is said, a beautiful flower, which will live

when pulled up by the roots. The natives suspend it by a cord

from the ceiling and enjoy its fragrance for years.

Our quarrel was now made up, and we looked about the room for an

aperture through which to survey the city of Edina. Windows there

were none. The sole light admitted into the gloomy chamber

proceeded from a square opening, about a foot in diameter, at a

height of about seven feet from the floor. Yet what will the

energy of true genius not effect? I resolved to clamber up to

this hole. A vast quantity of wheels, pinions, and other

cabalistic-looking machinery stood opposite the hole, close to

it; and through the hole there passed an iron rod from the

machinery. Between the wheels and the wall where the hole lay

there was barely room for my body—yet I was desperate, and

determined to persevere. I called Pompey to my side.

“You perceive that aperture, Pompey. I wish to look through it.

You will stand here just beneath the hole—so. Now, hold out one

of your hands, Pompey, and let me step upon it—thus. Now, the

other hand, Pompey, and with its aid I will get upon your

shoulders.”

He did every thing I wished, and I found, upon getting up, that I

could easily pass my head and neck through the aperture. The

prospect was sublime. Nothing could be more magnificent. I merely

paused a moment to bid Diana behave herself, and assure Pompey

that I would be considerate and bear as lightly as possible upon

his shoulders. I told him I would be tender of his feelings—ossi

tender que beefsteak. Having done this justice to my faithful

friend, I gave myself up with great zest and enthusiasm to the

enjoyment of the scene which so obligingly spread itself out

before my eyes.

Upon this subject, however, I shall forbear to dilate. I will not

describe the city of Edinburgh. Every one has been to the city of

Edinburgh. Every one has been to Edinburgh—the classic Edina. I

will confine myself to the momentous details of my own lamentable

adventure. Having, in some measure, satisfied my curiosity in

regard to the extent, situation, and general appearance of the

city, I had leisure to survey the church in which I was, and the

delicate architecture of the steeple. I observed that the

aperture through which I had thrust my head was an opening in the

dial-plate of a gigantic clock, and must have appeared, from the

street, as a large key-hole, such as we see in the face of the

French watches. No doubt the true object was to admit the arm of

an attendant, to adjust, when necessary, the hands of the clock

from within. I observed also, with surprise, the immense size of

these hands, the longest of which could not have been less than

ten feet in length, and, where broadest, eight or nine inches in

breadth. They were of solid steel apparently, and their edges

appeared to be sharp. Having noticed these particulars, and some

others, I again turned my eyes upon the glorious prospect below,

and soon became absorbed in contemplation.

From this, after some minutes, I was aroused by the voice of

Pompey, who declared that he could stand it no longer, and

requested that I would be so kind as to come down. This was

unreasonable, and I told him so in a speech of some length. He

replied, but with an evident misunderstanding of my ideas upon

the subject. I accordingly grew angry, and told him in plain

words, that he was a fool, that he had committed an ignoramus

e-clench-eye, that his notions were mere insommary Bovis, and his

words little better than an ennemywerrybor’em. With this he

appeared satisfied, and I resumed my contemplations.

It might have been half an hour after this altercation when, as I

was deeply absorbed in the heavenly scenery beneath me, I was

startled by something very cold which pressed with a gentle

pressure on the back of my neck. It is needless to say that I

felt inexpressibly alarmed. I knew that Pompey was beneath my

feet, and that Diana was sitting, according to my explicit

directions, upon her hind legs, in the farthest corner of the

room. What could it be? Alas! I but too soon discovered. Turning

my head gently to one side, I perceived, to my extreme horror,

that the huge, glittering, scimetar-like minute-hand of the clock

had, in the course of its hourly revolution, descended upon my

neck. There was, I knew, not a second to be lost. I pulled back

at once—but it was too late. There was no chance of forcing my

head through the mouth of that terrible trap in which it was so

fairly caught, and which grew narrower and narrower with a

rapidity too horrible to be conceived. The agony of that moment

is not to be imagined. I threw up my hands and endeavored, with

all my strength, to force upward the ponderous iron bar. I might

as well have tried to lift the cathedral itself. Down, down, down

it came, closer and yet closer. I screamed to Pompey for aid; but

he said that I had hurt his feelings by calling him “an ignorant

old squint-eye.” I yelled to Diana; but she only said

“bow-wow-wow,” and that I had told her “on no account to stir

from the corner.” Thus I had no relief to expect from my

associates.

Meantime the ponderous and terrific Scythe of Time (for I now

discovered the literal import of that classical phrase) had not

stopped, nor was it likely to stop, in its career. Down and still

down, it came. It had already buried its sharp edge a full inch

in my flesh, and my sensations grew indistinct and confused. At

one time I fancied myself in Philadelphia with the stately Dr.

Moneypenny, at another in the back parlor of Mr. Blackwood

receiving his invaluable instructions. And then again the sweet

recollection of better and earlier times came over me, and I

thought of that happy period when the world was not all a desert,

and Pompey not altogether cruel.

The ticking of the machinery amused me. Amused me, I say, for my

sensations now bordered upon perfect happiness, and the most

trifling circumstances afforded me pleasure. The eternal

click-clak, click-clak, click-clak of the clock was the most

melodious of music in my ears, and occasionally even put me in

mind of the graceful sermonic harangues of Dr. Ollapod. Then

there were the great figures upon the dial-plate—how intelligent

how intellectual, they all looked! And presently they took to

dancing the Mazurka, and I think it was the figure V. who

performed the most to my satisfaction. She was evidently a lady

of breeding. None of your swaggerers, and nothing at all

indelicate in her motions. She did the pirouette to

admiration—whirling round upon her apex. I made an endeavor to

hand her a chair, for I saw that she appeared fatigued with her

exertions—and it was not until then that I fully perceived my

lamentable situation. Lamentable indeed! The bar had buried

itself two inches in my neck. I was aroused to a sense of

exquisite pain. I prayed for death, and, in the agony of the

moment, could not help repeating those exquisite verses of the

poet Miguel De Cervantes:

Vanny Buren, tan escondida

Query no te senty venny

Pork and pleasure, delly morry

Nommy, torny, darry, widdy!

But now a new horror presented itself, and one indeed sufficient

to startle the strongest nerves. My eyes, from the cruel pressure

of the machine, were absolutely starting from their sockets.

While I was thinking how I should possibly manage without them,

one actually tumbled out of my head, and, rolling down the steep

side of the steeple, lodged in the rain gutter which ran along

the eaves of the main building. The loss of the eye was not so

much as the insolent air of independence and contempt with which

it regarded me after it was out. There it lay in the gutter just

under my nose, and the airs it gave itself would have been

ridiculous had they not been disgusting. Such a winking and

blinking were never before seen. This behavior on the part of my

eye in the gutter was not only irritating on account of its

manifest insolence and shameful ingratitude, but was also

exceedingly inconvenient on account of the sympathy which always

exists between two eyes of the same head, however far apart. I

was forced, in a manner, to wink and to blink, whether I would or

not, in exact concert with the scoundrelly thing that lay just

under my nose. I was presently relieved, however, by the dropping

out of the other eye. In falling it took the same direction

(possibly a concerted plot) as its fellow. Both rolled out of the

gutter together, and in truth I was very glad to get rid of them.

The bar was now four inches and a half deep in my neck, and there

was only a little bit of skin to cut through. My sensations were

those of entire happiness, for I felt that in a few minutes, at

farthest, I should be relieved from my disagreeable situation.

And in this expectation I was not at all deceived. At twenty-five

minutes past five in the afternoon, precisely, the huge

minute-hand had proceeded sufficiently far on its terrible

revolution to sever the small remainder of my neck. I was not

sorry to see the head which had occasioned me so much

embarrassment at length make a final separation from my body. It

first rolled down the side of the steeple, then lodge, for a few

seconds, in the gutter, and then made its way, with a plunge,

into the middle of the street.

I will candidly confess that my feelings were now of the most

singular—nay, of the most mysterious, the most perplexing and

incomprehensible character. My senses were here and there at one

and the same moment. With my head I imagined, at one time, that

I, the head, was the real Signora Psyche Zenobia—at another I

felt convinced that myself, the body, was the proper identity. To

clear my ideas on this topic I felt in my pocket for my

snuff-box, but, upon getting it, and endeavoring to apply a pinch

of its grateful contents in the ordinary manner, I became

immediately aware of my peculiar deficiency, and threw the box at

once down to my head. It took a pinch with great satisfaction,

and smiled me an acknowledgement in return. Shortly afterward it

made me a speech, which I could hear but indistinctly without

ears. I gathered enough, however, to know that it was astonished

at my wishing to remain alive under such circumstances. In the

concluding sentences it quoted the noble words of Ariosto—

Il pover hommy che non sera corty

And have a combat tenty erry morty;

thus comparing me to the hero who, in the heat of the combat, not

perceiving that he was dead, continued to contest the battle with

inextinguishable valor. There was nothing now to prevent my

getting down from my elevation, and I did so. What it was that

Pompey saw so very peculiar in my appearance I have never yet

been able to find out. The fellow opened his mouth from ear to

ear, and shut his two eyes as if he were endeavoring to crack

nuts between the lids. Finally, throwing off his overcoat, he

made one spring for the staircase and disappeared. I hurled after

the scoundrel these vehement words of Demosthenes—

Andrew O’Phlegethon, you really make haste to fly,

and then turned to the darling of my heart, to the one-eyed! the

shaggy-haired Diana. Alas! what a horrible vision affronted my

eyes? Was that a rat I saw skulking into his hole? Are these the

picked bones of the little angel who has been cruelly devoured by

the monster? Ye gods! and what do I behold—is that the departed

spirit, the shade, the ghost, of my beloved puppy, which I

perceive sitting with a grace so melancholy, in the corner?

Hearken! for she speaks, and, heavens! it is in the German of

Schiller—

“Unt stubby duk, so stubby dun

Duk she! duk she!”

Alas! and are not her words too true?

“And if I died, at least I died

For thee—for thee.”

Sweet creature! she too has sacrificed herself in my behalf.

Dogless, niggerless, headless, what now remains for the unhappy

Signora Psyche Zenobia? Alas—nothing! I have done.

MYSTIFICATION

Slid, if these be your “passados” and “montantes,” I’ll have none

o’ them.

—NED KNOWLES.

The Baron Ritzner von Jung was a noble Hungarian family, every

member of which (at least as far back into antiquity as any

certain records extend) was more or less remarkable for talent of

some description—the majority for that species of _grotesquerie_

in conception of which Tieck, a scion of the house, has given a

vivid, although by no means the most vivid exemplifications. My

acquaintance with Ritzner commenced at the magnificent Chateau

Jung, into which a train of droll adventures, not to be made

public, threw me during the summer months of the year 18—. Here

it was that I obtained a place in his regard, and here, with

somewhat more difficulty, a partial insight into his mental

conformation. In later days this insight grew more clear, as the

intimacy which had at first permitted it became more close; and

when, after three years separation, we met at G——n, I knew all

that it was necessary to know of the character of the Baron

Ritzner von Jung.

I remember the buzz of curiosity which his advent excited within

the college precincts on the night of the twenty-fifth of June. I

remember still more distinctly, that while he was pronounced by

all parties at first sight “the most remarkable man in the

world,” no person made any attempt at accounting for his opinion.

That he was unique appeared so undeniable, that it was deemed

impertinent to inquire wherein the uniquity consisted. But,

letting this matter pass for the present, I will merely observe

that, from the first moment of his setting foot within the limits

of the university, he began to exercise over the habits, manners,

persons, purses, and propensities of the whole community which

surrounded him, an influence the most extensive and despotic, yet

at the same time the most indefinite and altogether

unaccountable. Thus the brief period of his residence at the

university forms an era in its annals, and is characterized by

all classes of people appertaining to it or its dependencies as

“that very extraordinary epoch forming the domination of the

Baron Ritzner von Jung.”

Upon his advent to G——n, he sought me out in my apartments. He

was then of no particular age, by which I mean that it was

impossible to form a guess respecting his age by any data

personally afforded. He might have been fifteen or fifty, and was

twenty-one years and seven months. He was by no means a handsome

man—perhaps the reverse. The contour of his face was somewhat

angular and harsh. His forehead was lofty and very fair; his nose

a snub; his eyes large, heavy, glassy, and meaningless. About the

mouth there was more to be observed. The lips were gently

protruded, and rested the one upon the other, after such a

fashion that it is impossible to conceive any, even the most

complex, combination of human features, conveying so entirely,

and so singly, the idea of unmitigated gravity, solemnity and

repose.

It will be perceived, no doubt, from what I have already said,

that the Baron was one of those human anomalies now and then to

be found, who make the science of mystification the study and the

business of their lives. For this science a peculiar turn of mind

gave him instinctively the cue, while his physical appearance

afforded him unusual facilities for carrying his prospects into

effect. I firmly believe that no student at G——n, during that

renowned epoch so quaintly termed the domination of the Baron

Ritzner von Jung, ever rightly entered into the mystery which

overshadowed his character. I truly think that no person at the

university, with the exception of myself, ever suspected him to

be capable of a joke, verbal or practical:—the old bull-dog at

the garden-gate would sooner have been accused,—the ghost of

Heraclitus,—or the wig of the Emeritus Professor of Theology.

This, too, when it was evident that the most egregious and

unpardonable of all conceivable tricks, whimsicalities and

buffooneries were brought about, if not directly by him, at least

plainly through his intermediate agency or connivance. The

beauty, if I may so call it, of his art mystifique, lay in that

consummate ability (resulting from an almost intuitive knowledge

of human nature, and a most wonderful self-possession,) by means

of which he never failed to make it appear that the drolleries he

was occupied in bringing to a point, arose partly in spite, and

partly in consequence of the laudable efforts he was making for

their prevention, and for the preservation of the good order and

dignity of Alma Mater. The deep, the poignant, the overwhelming

mortification, which upon each such failure of his praise worthy

endeavors, would suffuse every lineament of his countenance, left

not the slightest room for doubt of his sincerity in the bosoms

of even his most skeptical companions. The adroitness, too, was

no less worthy of observation by which he contrived to shift the

sense of the grotesque from the creator to the created—from his

own person to the absurdities to which he had given rise. In no

instance before that of which I speak, have I known the habitual

mystific escape the natural consequence of his manoevres—an

attachment of the ludicrous to his own character and person.

Continually enveloped in an atmosphere of whim, my friend

appeared to live only for the severities of society; and not even

his own household have for a moment associated other ideas than

those of the rigid and august with the memory of the Baron

Ritzner von Jung.

During the epoch of his residence at G——n it really appeared that

the demon of the _dolce far niente_ lay like an incubus upon the

university. Nothing, at least, was done beyond eating and

drinking and making merry. The apartments of the students were

converted into so many pot-houses, and there was no pot-house of

them all more famous or more frequented than that of the Baron.

Our carousals here were many, and boisterous, and long, and never

unfruitful of events.

Upon one occasion we had protracted our sitting until nearly

daybreak, and an unusual quantity of wine had been drunk. The

company consisted of seven or eight individuals besides the Baron

and myself. Most of these were young men of wealth, of high

connection, of great family pride, and all alive with an

exaggerated sense of honor. They abounded in the most ultra

German opinions respecting the duello. To these Quixotic notions

some recent Parisian publications, backed by three or four

desperate and fatal rencounters at G——n, had given new vigor and

impulse; and thus the conversation, during the greater part of

the night, had run wild upon the all-engrossing topic of the

times. The Baron, who had been unusually silent and abstracted in

the earlier portion of the evening, at length seemed to be

aroused from his apathy, took a leading part in the discourse,

and dwelt upon the benefits, and more especially upon the

beauties, of the received code of etiquette in passages of arms

with an ardor, an eloquence, an impressiveness, and an

affectionateness of manner, which elicited the warmest enthusiasm

from his hearers in general, and absolutely staggered even

myself, who well knew him to be at heart a ridiculer of those

very points for which he contended, and especially to hold the

entire fanfaronade of duelling etiquette in the sovereign

contempt which it deserves.

Looking around me during a pause in the Baron’s discourse (of

which my readers may gather some faint idea when I say that it

bore resemblance to the fervid, chanting, monotonous, yet musical

sermonic manner of Coleridge), I perceived symptoms of even more

than the general interest in the countenance of one of the party.

This gentleman, whom I shall call Hermann, was an original in

every respect—except, perhaps, in the single particular that he

was a very great fool. He contrived to bear, however, among a

particular set at the university, a reputation for deep

metaphysical thinking, and, I believe, for some logical talent.

As a duellist he had acquired great renown, even at G——n. I

forget the precise number of victims who had fallen at his hands;

but they were many. He was a man of courage undoubtedly. But it

was upon his minute acquaintance with the etiquette of the

duello, and the nicety of his sense of honor, that he most

especially prided himself. These things were a hobby which he

rode to the death. To Ritzner, ever upon the lookout for the

grotesque, his peculiarities had for a long time past afforded

food for mystification. Of this, however, I was not aware;

although, in the present instance, I saw clearly that something

of a whimsical nature was upon the tapis with my friend, and that

Hermann was its especial object.

As the former proceeded in his discourse, or rather monologue, I

perceived the excitement of the latter momently increasing. At

length he spoke; offering some objection to a point insisted upon

by R., and giving his reasons in detail. To these the Baron

replied at length (still maintaining his exaggerated tone of

sentiment) and concluding, in what I thought very bad taste, with

a sarcasm and a sneer. The hobby of Hermann now took the bit in

his teeth. This I could discern by the studied hair-splitting

farrago of his rejoinder. His last words I distinctly remember.

“Your opinions, allow me to say, Baron von Jung, although in the

main correct, are, in many nice points, discreditable to yourself

and to the university of which you are a member. In a few

respects they are even unworthy of serious refutation. I would

say more than this, sir, were it not for the fear of giving you

offence (here the speaker smiled blandly), I would say, sir, that

your opinions are not the opinions to be expected from a

gentleman.”

As Hermann completed this equivocal sentence, all eyes were

turned upon the Baron. He became pale, then excessively red;

then, dropping his pocket-handkerchief, stooped to recover it,

when I caught a glimpse of his countenance, while it could be

seen by no one else at the table. It was radiant with the

quizzical expression which was its natural character, but which I

had never seen it assume except when we were alone together, and

when he unbent himself freely. In an instant afterward he stood

erect, confronting Hermann; and so total an alteration of

countenance in so short a period I certainly never saw before.

For a moment I even fancied that I had misconceived him, and that

he was in sober earnest. He appeared to be stifling with passion,

and his face was cadaverously white. For a short time he remained

silent, apparently striving to master his emotion. Having at

length seemingly succeeded, he reached a decanter which stood

near him, saying as he held it firmly clenched—“The language you

have thought proper to employ, Mynheer Hermann, in addressing

yourself to me, is objectionable in so many particulars, that I

have neither temper nor time for specification. That my opinions,

however, are not the opinions to be expected from a gentleman, is

an observation so directly offensive as to allow me but one line

of conduct. Some courtesy, nevertheless, is due to the presence

of this company, and to yourself, at this moment, as my guest.

You will pardon me, therefore, if, upon this consideration, I

deviate slightly from the general usage among gentlemen in

similar cases of personal affront. You will forgive me for the

moderate tax I shall make upon your imagination, and endeavor to

consider, for an instant, the reflection of your person in yonder

mirror as the living Mynheer Hermann himself. This being done,

there will be no difficulty whatever. I shall discharge this

decanter of wine at your image in yonder mirror, and thus fulfil

all the spirit, if not the exact letter, of resentment for your

insult, while the necessity of physical violence to your real

person will be obviated.”

With these words he hurled the decanter, full of wine, against

the mirror which hung directly opposite Hermann; striking the

reflection of his person with great precision, and of course

shattering the glass into fragments. The whole company at once

started to their feet, and, with the exception of myself and

Ritzner, took their departure. As Hermann went out, the Baron

whispered me that I should follow him and make an offer of my

services. To this I agreed; not knowing precisely what to make of

so ridiculous a piece of business.

The duellist accepted my aid with his stiff and _ultra recherché_

air, and, taking my arm, led me to his apartment. I could hardly

forbear laughing in his face while he proceeded to discuss, with

the profoundest gravity, what he termed “the refinedly peculiar

character” of the insult he had received. After a tiresome

harangue in his ordinary style, he took down from his book

shelves a number of musty volumes on the subject of the duello,

and entertained me for a long time with their contents; reading

aloud, and commenting earnestly as he read. I can just remember

the titles of some of the works. There were the “Ordonnance of

Philip le Bel on Single Combat”; the “Theatre of Honor,” by

Favyn, and a treatise “On the Permission of Duels,” by Andiguier.

He displayed, also, with much pomposity, Brantome’s “Memoirs of

Duels,” published at Cologne, 1666, in the types of Elzevir—a

precious and unique vellum-paper volume, with a fine margin, and

bound by Derome. But he requested my attention particularly, and

with an air of mysterious sagacity, to a thick octavo, written in

barbarous Latin by one Hedelin, a Frenchman, and having the

quaint title, “Duelli Lex Scripta, et non; aliterque.” From this

he read me one of the drollest chapters in the world concerning

“Injuriae per applicationem, per constructionem, et per se,”

about half of which, he averred, was strictly applicable to his

own “refinedly peculiar” case, although not one syllable of the

whole matter could I understand for the life of me. Having

finished the chapter, he closed the book, and demanded what I

thought necessary to be done. I replied that I had entire

confidence in his superior delicacy of feeling, and would abide

by what he proposed. With this answer he seemed flattered, and

sat down to write a note to the Baron. It ran thus:

Sir,—My friend, M. P.-, will hand you this note. I find it

incumbent upon me to request, at your earliest convenience, an

explanation of this evening’s occurrences at your chambers. In

the event of your declining this request, Mr. P. will be happy to

arrange, with any friend whom you may appoint, the steps

preliminary to a meeting.

With sentiments of perfect respect,

Your most humble servant,

JOHANN HERMAN.

“_To the Baron Ritzner von Jung,

August 18th, 18_—.”

Not knowing what better to do, I called upon Ritzner with this

epistle. He bowed as I presented it; then, with a grave

countenance, motioned me to a seat. Having perused the cartel, he

wrote the following reply, which I carried to Hermann.

“SIR,—Through our common friend, Mr. P., I have received your

note of this evening. Upon due reflection I frankly admit the

propriety of the explanation you suggest. This being admitted, I

still find great difficulty, (owing to the refinedly peculiar

nature of our disagreement, and of the personal affront offered

on my part,) in so wording what I have to say by way of apology,

as to meet all the minute exigencies, and all the variable

shadows, of the case. I have great reliance, however, on that

extreme delicacy of discrimination, in matters appertaining to

the rules of etiquette, for which you have been so long and so

pre-eminently distinguished. With perfect certainty, therefore,

of being comprehended, I beg leave, in lieu of offering any

sentiments of my own, to refer you to the opinions of Sieur

Hedelin, as set forth in the ninth paragraph of the chapter of

“_Injuriae per applicationem, per constructionem, et per se_,” in

his “_Duelli Lex scripta, et non; aliterque_.” The nicety of your

discernment in all the matters here treated, will be sufficient,

I am assured, to convince you _that the mere circumstance of me

referring you_ to this admirable passage, ought to satisfy your

request, as a man of honor, for explanation.

“With sentiments of profound respect,

“Your most obedient servant,

“VON JUNG.”

“The Herr Johann Hermann,

August 18th, 18—”

Hermann commenced the perusal of this epistle with a scowl,

which, however, was converted into a smile of the most ludicrous

self-complacency as he came to the rigmarole about Injuriae per

applicationem, per constructionem, et per se. Having finished

reading, he begged me, with the blandest of all possible smiles,

to be seated, while he made reference to the treatise in

question. Turning to the passage specified, he read it with great

care to himself, then closed the book, and desired me, in my

character of confidential acquaintance, to express to the Baron

von Jung his exalted sense of his chivalrous behavior, and, in

that of second, to assure him that the explanation offered was of

the fullest, the most honorable, and the most unequivocally

satisfactory nature.

Somewhat amazed at all this, I made my retreat to the Baron. He

seemed to receive Hermann’s amicable letter as a matter of

course, and after a few words of general conversation, went to an

inner room and brought out the everlasting treatise “_Duelli Lex

scripta, et non; aliterque_.” He handed me the volume and asked

me to look over some portion of it. I did so, but to little

purpose, not being able to gather the least particle of meaning.

He then took the book himself, and read me a chapter aloud. To my

surprise, what he read proved to be a most horribly absurd

account of a duel between two baboons. He now explained the

mystery; showing that the volume, as it appeared _prima facie_,

was written upon the plan of the nonsense verses of Du Bartas;

that is to say, the language was ingeniously framed so as to

present to the ear all the outward signs of intelligibility, and

even of profundity, while in fact not a shadow of meaning

existed. The key to the whole was found in leaving out every

second and third word alternately, when there appeared a series

of ludicrous quizzes upon a single combat as practised in modern

times.

The Baron afterwards informed me that he had purposely thrown the

treatise in Hermann’s way two or three weeks before the

adventure, and that he was satisfied, from the general tenor of

his conversation, that he had studied it with the deepest

attention, and firmly believed it to be a work of unusual merit.

Upon this hint he proceeded. Hermann would have died a thousand

deaths rather than acknowledge his inability to understand

anything and everything in the universe that had ever been

written about the _duello_.

DIDDLING

CONSIDERED AS ONE OF THE EXACT SCIENCES.

Hey, diddle diddle

The cat and the fiddle

Since the world began there have been two Jeremys. The one wrote

a Jeremiad about usury, and was called Jeremy Bentham. He has

been much admired by Mr. John Neal, and was a great man in a

small way. The other gave name to the most important of the Exact

Sciences, and was a great man in a great way—I may say, indeed,

in the very greatest of ways.

Diddling—or the abstract idea conveyed by the verb to diddle—is

sufficiently well understood. Yet the fact, the deed, the thing

_diddling_, is somewhat difficult to define. We may get, however,

at a tolerably distinct conception of the matter in hand, by

defining—not the thing, diddling, in itself—but man, as an animal

that diddles. Had Plato but hit upon this, he would have been

spared the affront of the picked chicken.

Very pertinently it was demanded of Plato, why a picked chicken,

which was clearly “a biped without feathers,” was not, according

to his own definition, a man? But I am not to be bothered by any

similar query. Man is an animal that diddles, and there is no

animal that diddles but man. It will take an entire hen-coop of

picked chickens to get over that.

What constitutes the essence, the nare, the principle of diddling

is, in fact, peculiar to the class of creatures that wear coats

and pantaloons. A crow thieves; a fox cheats; a weasel outwits; a

man diddles. To diddle is his destiny. “Man was made to mourn,”

says the poet. But not so:—he was made to diddle. This is his

aim—his object—his end. And for this reason when a man’s diddled

we say he’s “_done_.”

Diddling, rightly considered, is a compound, of which the

ingredients are minuteness, interest, perseverance, ingenuity,

audacity, _nonchalance_, originality, impertinence, and grin.

_Minuteness:_—Your diddler is minute. His operations are upon a

small scale. His business is retail, for cash, or approved paper

at sight. Should he ever be tempted into magnificent speculation,

he then, at once, loses his distinctive features, and becomes

what we term “financier.” This latter word conveys the diddling

idea in every respect except that of magnitude. A diddler may

thus be regarded as a banker _in petto_—a “financial operation,”

as a diddle at Brobdignag. The one is to the other, as Homer to

“Flaccus”—as a Mastodon to a mouse—as the tail of a comet to that

of a pig.

_Interest:_—Your diddler is guided by self-interest. He scorns to

diddle for the mere _sake_ of the diddle. He has an object in

view—his pocket—and yours. He regards always the main chance. He

looks to Number One. You are Number Two, and must look to

yourself.

_Perseverance:_—Your diddler perseveres. He is not readily

discouraged. Should even the banks break, he cares nothing about

it. He steadily pursues his end, and

‘Ut canis a corio nunquam absterrebitur uncto,’

so he never lets go of his game.

_Ingenuity:_—Your diddler is ingenious. He has constructiveness

large. He understands plot. He invents and circumvents. Were he

not Alexander he would be Diogenes. Were he not a diddler, he

would be a maker of patent rat-traps or an angler for trout.

_Audacity:_—Your diddler is audacious.—He is a bold man. He

carries the war into Africa. He conquers all by assault. He would

not fear the daggers of Frey Herren. With a little more prudence

Dick Turpin would have made a good diddler; with a trifle less

blarney, Daniel O’Connell; with a pound or two more brains,

Charles the Twelfth.

_Nonchalance:_—Your diddler is nonchalant. He is not at all

nervous. He never had any nerves. He is never seduced into a

flurry. He is never put out—unless put out of doors. He is

cool—cool as a cucumber. He is calm—“calm as a smile from Lady

Bury.” He is easy—easy as an old glove, or the damsels of ancient

Baiæ.

_Originality:_—Your diddler is original—conscientiously so. His

thoughts are his own. He would scorn to employ those of another.

A stale trick is his aversion. He would return a purse, I am

sure, upon discovering that he had obtained it by an unoriginal

diddle.

_Impertinence:_—Your diddler is impertinent. He swaggers. He sets

his arms a-kimbo. He thrusts his hands in his trowsers’ pockets.

He sneers in your face. He treads on your corns. He eats your

dinner, he drinks your wine, he borrows your money, he pulls your

nose, he kicks your poodle, and he kisses your wife.

_Grin:_—Your true diddler winds up all with a grin. But this

nobody sees but himself. He grins when his daily work is

done—when his allotted labors are accomplished—at night in his

own closet, and altogether for his own private entertainment. He

goes home. He locks his door. He divests himself of his clothes.

He puts out his candle. He gets into bed. He places his head upon

the pillow. All this done, and your diddler grins. This is no

hypothesis. It is a matter of course. I reason _à priori_, and a

diddle would be no diddle without a grin.

The origin of the diddle is referrable to the infancy of the

Human Race. Perhaps the first diddler was Adam. At all events, we

can trace the science back to a very remote period of antiquity.

The moderns, however, have brought it to a perfection never

dreamed of by our thick-headed progenitors. Without pausing to

speak of the “old saws,” therefore, I shall content myself with a

compendious account of some of the more “modern instances.”

A very good diddle is this. A housekeeper in want of a sofa, for

instance, is seen to go in and out of several cabinet warehouses.

At length she arrives at one offering an excellent variety. She

is accosted, and invited to enter, by a polite and voluble

individual at the door. She finds a sofa well adapted to her

views, and upon inquiring the price, is surprised and delighted

to hear a sum named at least twenty per cent. lower than her

expectations. She hastens to make the purchase, gets a bill and

receipt, leaves her address, with a request that the article be

sent home as speedily as possible, and retires amid a profusion

of bows from the shopkeeper. The night arrives and no sofa. A

servant is sent to make inquiry about the delay. The whole

transaction is denied. No sofa has been sold—no money

received—except by the diddler, who played shop-keeper for the

nonce.

Our cabinet warehouses are left entirely unattended, and thus

afford every facility for a trick of this kind. Visitors enter,

look at furniture, and depart unheeded and unseen. Should any one

wish to purchase, or to inquire the price of an article, a bell

is at hand, and this is considered amply sufficient.

Again, quite a respectable diddle is this. A well-dressed

individual enters a shop, makes a purchase to the value of a

dollar; finds, much to his vexation, that he has left his

pocket-book in another coat pocket; and so says to the

shopkeeper—

“My dear sir, never mind; just oblige me, will you, by sending

the bundle home? But stay! I really believe that I have nothing

less than a five dollar bill, even there. However, you can send

four dollars in change with the bundle, you know.”

“Very good, sir,” replies the shop-keeper, who entertains, at

once, a lofty opinion of the high-mindedness of his customer. “I

know fellows,” he says to himself, “who would just have put the

goods under their arm, and walked off with a promise to call and

pay the dollar as they came by in the afternoon.”

A boy is sent with the parcel and change. On the route, quite

accidentally, he is met by the purchaser, who exclaims:

“Ah! This is my bundle, I see—I thought you had been home with

it, long ago. Well, go on! My wife, Mrs. Trotter, will give you

the five dollars—I left instructions with her to that effect. The

change you might as well give to me—I shall want some silver for

the Post Office. Very good! One, two, is this a good

quarter?—three, four—quite right! Say to Mrs. Trotter that you

met me, and be sure now and do not loiter on the way.”

The boy doesn’t loiter at all—but he is a very long time in

getting back from his errand—for no lady of the precise name of

Mrs. Trotter is to be discovered. He consoles himself, however,

that he has not been such a fool as to leave the goods without

the money, and re-entering his shop with a self-satisfied air,

feels sensibly hurt and indignant when his master asks him what

has become of the change.

A very simple diddle, indeed, is this. The captain of a ship,

which is about to sail, is presented by an official looking

person with an unusually moderate bill of city charges. Glad to

get off so easily, and confused by a hundred duties pressing upon

him all at once, he discharges the claim forthwith. In about

fifteen minutes, another and less reasonable bill is handed him

by one who soon makes it evident that the first collector was a

diddler, and the original collection a diddle.

And here, too, is a somewhat similar thing. A steamboat is

casting loose from the wharf. A traveller, portmanteau in hand,

is discovered running toward the wharf, at full speed. Suddenly,

he makes a dead halt, stoops, and picks up something from the

ground in a very agitated manner. It is a pocket-book, and—“Has

any gentleman lost a pocketbook?” he cries. No one can say that

he has exactly lost a pocket-book; but a great excitement ensues,

when the treasure trove is found to be of value. The boat,

however, must not be detained.

“Time and tide wait for no man,” says the captain.

“For God’s sake, stay only a few minutes,” says the finder of the

book—“the true claimant will presently appear.”

“Can’t wait!” replies the man in authority; “cast off there, d’ye

hear?”

“What _am_ I to do?” asks the finder, in great tribulation. “I am

about to leave the country for some years, and I cannot

conscientiously retain this large amount in my possession. I beg

your pardon, sir,” [here he addresses a gentleman on shore,] “but

you have the air of an honest man. _Will_ you confer upon me the

favor of taking charge of this pocket-book—I _know_ I can trust

you—and of advertising it? The notes, you see, amount to a very

considerable sum. The owner will, no doubt, insist upon rewarding

you for your trouble—”

“_Me!_—no, _you!_—it was you who found the book.”

“Well, if you _must_ have it so—_I_ will take a small reward—just

to satisfy your scruples. Let me see—why these notes are all

hundreds—bless my soul! a hundred is too much to take—fifty would

be quite enough, I am sure—”

“Cast off there!” says the captain.

“But then I have no change for a hundred, and upon the whole,

_you_ had better—”

“Cast off there!” says the captain.

“Never mind!” cries the gentleman on shore, who has been

examining his own pocket-book for the last minute or so—“never

mind! _I_ can fix it—here is a fifty on the Bank of North

America—throw the book.”

And the over-conscientious finder takes the fifty with marked

reluctance, and throws the gentleman the book, as desired, while

the steamboat fumes and fizzes on her way. In about half an hour

after her departure, the “large amount” is seen to be a

“counterfeit presentment,” and the whole thing a capital diddle.

A bold diddle is this. A camp-meeting, or something similar, is

to be held at a certain spot which is accessible only by means of

a free bridge. A diddler stations himself upon this bridge,

respectfully informs all passers by of the new county law, which

establishes a toll of one cent for foot passengers, two for

horses and donkeys, and so forth, and so forth. Some grumble but

all submit, and the diddler goes home a wealthier man by some

fifty or sixty dollars well earned. This taking a toll from a

great crowd of people is an excessively troublesome thing.

A neat diddle is this. A friend holds one of the diddler’s

promises to pay, filled up and signed in due form, upon the

ordinary blanks printed in red ink. The diddler purchases one or

two dozen of these blanks, and every day dips one of them in his

soup, makes his dog jump for it, and finally gives it to him as a

bonne bouche. The note arriving at maturity, the diddler, with

the diddler’s dog, calls upon the friend, and the promise to pay

is made the topic of discussion. The friend produces it from his

escritoire, and is in the act of reaching it to the diddler, when

up jumps the diddler’s dog and devours it forthwith. The diddler

is not only surprised but vexed and incensed at the absurd

behavior of his dog, and expresses his entire readiness to cancel

the obligation at any moment when the evidence of the obligation

shall be forthcoming.

A very mean diddle is this. A lady is insulted in the street by a

diddler’s accomplice. The diddler himself flies to her

assistance, and, giving his friend a comfortable thrashing,

insists upon attending the lady to her own door. He bows, with

his hand upon his heart, and most respectfully bids her adieu.

She entreats him, as her deliverer, to walk in and be introduced

to her big brother and her papa. With a sigh, he declines to do

so. “Is there no way, then, sir,” she murmurs, “in which I may be

permitted to testify my gratitude?”

“Why, yes, madam, there is. Will you be kind enough to lend me a

couple of shillings?”

In the first excitement of the moment the lady decides upon

fainting outright. Upon second thought, however, she opens her

purse-strings and delivers the specie. Now this, I say, is a

diddle minute—for one entire moiety of the sum borrowed has to be

paid to the gentleman who had the trouble of performing the

insult, and who had then to stand still and be thrashed for

performing it.

Rather a small but still a scientific diddle is this. The diddler

approaches the bar of a tavern, and demands a couple of twists of

tobacco. These are handed to him, when, having slightly examined

them, he says:

“I don’t much like this tobacco. Here, take it back, and give me

a glass of brandy and water in its place.” The brandy and water

is furnished and imbibed, and the diddler makes his way to the

door. But the voice of the tavern-keeper arrests him.

“I believe, sir, you have forgotten to pay for your brandy and

water.”

“Pay for my brandy and water!—didn’t I give you the tobacco for

the brandy and water? What more would you have?”

“But, sir, if you please, I don’t remember that you paid me for

the tobacco.”

“What do you mean by that, you scoundrel?—Didn’t I give you back

your tobacco? Isn’t that your tobacco lying there? Do you expect

me to pay for what I did not take?”

“But, sir,” says the publican, now rather at a loss what to say,

“but sir—”

“But me no buts, sir,” interrupts the diddler, apparently in very

high dudgeon, and slamming the door after him, as he makes his

escape.—“But me no buts, sir, and none of your tricks upon

travellers.”

Here again is a very clever diddle, of which the simplicity is

not its least recommendation. A purse, or pocket-book, being

really lost, the loser inserts in one of the daily papers of a

large city a fully descriptive advertisement.

Whereupon our diddler copies the facts of this advertisement,

with a change of heading, of general phraseology and address. The

original, for instance, is long, and verbose, is headed “A

Pocket-Book Lost!” and requires the treasure, when found, to be

left at No. 1 Tom Street. The copy is brief, and being headed

with “Lost” only, indicates No. 2 Dick, or No. 3 Harry Street, as

the locality at which the owner may be seen. Moreover, it is

inserted in at least five or six of the daily papers of the day,

while in point of time, it makes its appearance only a few hours

after the original. Should it be read by the loser of the purse,

he would hardly suspect it to have any reference to his own

misfortune. But, of course, the chances are five or six to one,

that the finder will repair to the address given by the diddler,

rather than to that pointed out by the rightful proprietor. The

former pays the reward, pockets the treasure and decamps.

Quite an analogous diddle is this. A lady of ton has dropped,

some where in the street, a diamond ring of very unusual value.

For its recovery, she offers some forty or fifty dollars

reward—giving, in her advertisement, a very minute description of

the gem, and of its settings, and declaring that, on its

restoration at No. so and so, in such and such Avenue, the reward

would be paid instanter, without a single question being asked.

During the lady’s absence from home, a day or two afterwards, a

ring is heard at the door of No. so and so, in such and such

Avenue; a servant appears; the lady of the house is asked for and

is declared to be out, at which astounding information, the

visitor expresses the most poignant regret. His business is of

importance and concerns the lady herself. In fact, he had the

good fortune to find her diamond ring. But perhaps it would be as

well that he should call again. “By no means!” says the servant;

and “By no means!” says the lady’s sister and the lady’s

sister-in-law, who are summoned forthwith. The ring is

clamorously identified, the reward is paid, and the finder nearly

thrust out of doors. The lady returns and expresses some little

dissatisfaction with her sister and sister-in-law, because they

happen to have paid forty or fifty dollars for a fac-simile of

her diamond ring—a fac-simile made out of real pinch-beck and

unquestionable paste.

But as there is really no end to diddling, so there would be none

to this essay, were I even to hint at half the variations, or

inflections, of which this science is susceptible. I must bring

this paper, perforce, to a conclusion, and this I cannot do

better than by a summary notice of a very decent, but rather

elaborate diddle, of which our own city was made the theatre, not

very long ago, and which was subsequently repeated with success,

in other still more verdant localities of the Union. A

middle-aged gentleman arrives in town from parts unknown. He is

remarkably precise, cautious, staid, and deliberate in his

demeanor. His dress is scrupulously neat, but plain,

unostentatious. He wears a white cravat, an ample waistcoat, made

with an eye to comfort alone; thick-soled cosy-looking shoes, and

pantaloons without straps. He has the whole air, in fact, of your

well-to-do, sober-sided, exact, and respectable “man of

business,” _par excellence_—one of the stern and outwardly hard,

internally soft, sort of people that we see in the crack high

comedies—fellows whose words are so many bonds, and who are noted

for giving away guineas, in charity, with the one hand, while, in

the way of mere bargain, they exact the uttermost fraction of a

farthing with the other.

He makes much ado before he can get suited with a boarding house.

He dislikes children. He has been accustomed to quiet. His habits

are methodical—and then he would prefer getting into a private

and respectable small family, piously inclined. Terms, however,

are no object—only he must insist upon settling his bill on the

first of every month, (it is now the second) and begs his

landlady, when he finally obtains one to his mind, not on any

account to forget his instructions upon this point—but to send in

a bill, and receipt, precisely at ten o’clock, on the first day

of every month, and under no circumstances to put it off to the

second.

These arrangements made, our man of business rents an office in a

reputable rather than a fashionable quarter of the town. There is

nothing he more despises than pretense. “Where there is much

show,” he says, “there is seldom any thing very solid behind”—an

observation which so profoundly impresses his landlady’s fancy,

that she makes a pencil memorandum of it forthwith, in her great

family Bible, on the broad margin of the Proverbs of Solomon.

The next step is to advertise, after some such fashion as this,

in the principal business six-pennies of the city—the pennies are

eschewed as not “respectable”—and as demanding payment for all

advertisements in advance. Our man of business holds it as a

point of his faith that work should never be paid for until done.

“WANTED.—The advertisers, being about to commence extensive

business operations in this city, will require the services of

three or four intelligent and competent clerks, to whom a liberal

salary will be paid. The very best recommendations, not so much

for capacity, as for integrity, will be expected. Indeed, as the

duties to be performed involve high responsibilities, and large

amounts of money must necessarily pass through the hands of those

engaged, it is deemed advisable to demand a deposit of fifty

dollars from each clerk employed. No person need apply,

therefore, who is not prepared to leave this sum in the

possession of the advertisers, and who cannot furnish the most

satisfactory testimonials of morality. Young gentlemen piously

inclined will be preferred. Application should be made between

the hours of ten and eleven A. M., and four and five P. M., of

Messrs.

“Bogs, Hogs, Logs, Frogs & Co.,

“No. 110 Dog Street.”

By the thirty-first day of the month, this advertisement has

brought to the office of Messrs. Bogs, Hogs, Logs, Frogs, and

Company, some fifteen or twenty young gentlemen piously inclined.

But our man of business is in no hurry to conclude a contract

with any—no man of business is ever precipitate—and it is not

until the most rigid catechism in respect to the piety of each

young gentleman’s inclination, that his services are engaged and

his fifty dollars receipted for, just by way of proper

precaution, on the part of the respectable firm of Bogs, Hogs,

Logs, Frogs, and Company. On the morning of the first day of the

next month, the landlady does not present her bill, according to

promise—a piece of neglect for which the comfortable head of the

house ending in ogs would no doubt have chided her severely,

could he have been prevailed upon to remain in town a day or two

for that purpose.

As it is, the constables have had a sad time of it, running

hither and thither, and all they can do is to declare the man of

business most emphatically, a “hen knee high”—by which some

persons imagine them to imply that, in fact, he is n. e. i.—by

which again the very classical phrase _non est inventus_, is

supposed to be understood. In the meantime the young gentlemen,

one and all, are somewhat less piously inclined than before,

while the landlady purchases a shilling’s worth of the Indian

rubber, and very carefully obliterates the pencil memorandum that

some fool has made in her great family Bible, on the broad margin

of the Proverbs of Solomon.

THE ANGEL OF THE ODD

AN EXTRAVAGANZA.

It was a chilly November afternoon. I had just consummated an

unusually hearty dinner, of which the dyspeptic _truffe_ formed

not the least important item, and was sitting alone in the

dining-room, with my feet upon the fender, and at my elbow a

small table which I had rolled up to the fire, and upon which

were some apologies for dessert, with some miscellaneous bottles

of wine, spirit and _liqueur_. In the morning I had been reading

Glover’s “Leonidas,” Wilkie’s “Epigoniad,” Lamartine’s

“Pilgrimage,” Barlow’s “Columbiad,” Tuckermann’s “Sicily,” and

Griswold’s “Curiosities”; I am willing to confess, therefore,

that I now felt a little stupid. I made effort to arouse myself

by aid of frequent Lafitte, and, all failing, I betook myself to

a stray newspaper in despair. Having carefully perused the column

of “houses to let,” and the column of “dogs lost,” and then the

two columns of “wives and apprentices runaway,” I attacked with

great resolution the editorial matter, and, reading it from

beginning to end without understanding a syllable, conceived the

possibility of its being Chinese, and so re-read it from the end

to the beginning, but with no more satisfactory result. I was

about throwing away, in disgust,

“This folio of four pages, happy work

Which not even critics criticise,”

when I felt my attention somewhat aroused by the paragraph which

follows:

“The avenues to death are numerous and strange. A London paper

mentions the decease of a person from a singular cause. He was

playing at ‘puff the dart,’ which is played with a long needle

inserted in some worsted, and blown at a target through a tin

tube. He placed the needle at the wrong end of the tube, and

drawing his breath strongly to puff the dart forward with force,

drew the needle into his throat. It entered the lungs, and in a

few days killed him.”

Upon seeing this I fell into a great rage, without exactly

knowing why. “This thing,” I exclaimed, “is a contemptible

falsehood—a poor hoax—the lees of the invention of some pitiable

penny-a-liner—of some wretched concoctor of accidents in

Cocaigne. These fellows, knowing the extravagant gullibility of

the age, set their wits to work in the imagination of improbable

possibilities—-of odd accidents, as they term them; but to a

reflecting intellect (like mine,” I added, in parenthesis,

putting my forefinger unconsciously to the side of my nose,) “to

a contemplative understanding such as I myself possess, it seems

evident at once that the marvelous increase of late in these ‘odd

accidents’ is by far the oddest accident of all. For my own part,

I intend to believe nothing henceforward that has anything of the

‘singular’ about it.”

“Mein Gott, den, vat a vool you bees for dat!” replied one of the

most remarkable voices I ever heard. At first I took it for a

rumbling in my ears—such as a man sometimes experiences when

getting very drunk—but, upon second thought, I considered the

sound as more nearly resembling that which proceeds from an empty

barrel beaten with a big stick; and, in fact, this I should have

concluded it to be, but for the articulation of the syllables and

words. I am by no means naturally nervous, and the very few

glasses of Lafitte which I had sipped served to embolden me no

little, so that I felt nothing of trepidation, but merely

uplifted my eyes with a leisurely movement, and looked carefully

around the room for the intruder. I could not, however, perceive

any one at all.

“Humph!” resumed the voice, as I continued my survey, “you mus pe

so dronk as de pig, den, for not zee me as I zit here at your

zide.”

Hereupon I bethought me of looking immediately before my nose,

and there, sure enough, confronting me at the table sat a

personage nondescript, although not altogether indescribable. His

body was a wine-pipe, or a rum-puncheon, or something of that

character, and had a truly Falstaffian air. In its nether

extremity were inserted two kegs, which seemed to answer all the

purposes of legs. For arms there dangled from the upper portion

of the carcass two tolerably long bottles, with the necks outward

for hands. All the head that I saw the monster possessed of was

one of those Hessian canteens which resemble a large snuff-box

with a hole in the middle of the lid. This canteen (with a funnel

on its top, like a cavalier cap slouched over the eyes) was set

on edge upon the puncheon, with the hole toward myself; and

through this hole, which seemed puckered up like the mouth of a

very precise old maid, the creature was emitting certain rumbling

and grumbling noises which he evidently intended for intelligible

talk.

“I zay,” said he, “you mos pe dronk as de pig, vor zit dare and

not zee me zit ere; and I zay, doo, you mos pe pigger vool as de

goose, vor to dispelief vat iz print in de print. ’Tiz de

troof—dat it iz—eberry vord ob it.”

“Who are you, pray?” said I, with much dignity, although somewhat

puzzled; “how did you get here? and what is it you are talking

about?”

“Az vor ow I com’d ere,” replied the figure, “dat iz none of your

pizzness; and as vor vat I be talking apout, I be talk apout vat

I tink proper; and as vor who I be, vy dat is de very ting I

com’d here for to let you zee for yourzelf.”

“You are a drunken vagabond,” said I, “and I shall ring the bell

and order my footman to kick you into the street.”

“He! he! he!” said the fellow, “hu! hu! hu! dat you can’t do.”

“Can’t do!” said I, “what do you mean?—I can’t do what?”

“Ring de pell,” he replied, attempting a grin with his little

villanous mouth.

Upon this I made an effort to get up, in order to put my threat

into execution; but the ruffian just reached across the table

very deliberately, and hitting me a tap on the forehead with the

neck of one of the long bottles, knocked me back into the

arm-chair from which I had half arisen. I was utterly astounded;

and, for a moment, was quite at a loss what to do. In the

meantime, he continued his talk.

“You zee,” said he, “it iz te bess vor zit still; and now you

shall know who I pe. Look at me! zee! I am te _Angel ov te Odd_.”

“And odd enough, too,” I ventured to reply; “but I was always

under the impression that an angel had wings.”

“Te wing!” he cried, highly incensed, “vat I pe do mit te wing?

Mein Gott! do you take me vor a shicken?”

“No—oh no!” I replied, much alarmed, “you are no

chicken—certainly not.”

“Well, den, zit still and pehabe yourself, or I’ll rap you again

mid me vist. It iz te shicken ab te wing, und te owl ab te wing,

und te imp ab te wing, und te head-teuffel ab te wing. Te angel

ab _not_ te wing, and I am te _Angel ov te Odd_.”

“And your business with me at present is—is—”

“My pizzness!” ejaculated the thing, “vy vat a low bred buppy you

mos pe vor to ask a gentleman und an angel apout his pizziness!”

This language was rather more than I could bear, even from an

angel; so, plucking up courage, I seized a salt-cellar which lay

within reach, and hurled it at the head of the intruder. Either

he dodged, however, or my aim was inaccurate; for all I

accomplished was the demolition of the crystal which protected

the dial of the clock upon the mantel-piece. As for the Angel, he

evinced his sense of my assault by giving me two or three hard

consecutive raps upon the forehead as before. These reduced me at

once to submission, and I am almost ashamed to confess that

either through pain or vexation, there came a few tears into my

eyes.

“Mein Gott!” said the Angel of the Odd, apparently much softened

at my distress; “mein Gott, te man is eder ferry dronk or ferry

zorry. You mos not trink it so strong—you mos put te water in te

wine. Here, trink dis, like a goot veller, und don’t gry

now—don’t!”

Hereupon the Angel of the Odd replenished my goblet (which was

about a third full of Port) with a colorless fluid that he poured

from one of his hand bottles. I observed that these bottles had

labels about their necks, and that these labels were inscribed

“Kirschenwasser.”

The considerate kindness of the Angel mollified me in no little

measure; and, aided by the water with which he diluted my Port

more than once, I at length regained sufficient temper to listen

to his very extraordinary discourse. I cannot pretend to recount

all that he told me, but I gleaned from what he said that he was

the genius who presided over the _contretemps_ of mankind, and

whose business it was to bring about the _odd accidents_ which

are continually astonishing the skeptic. Once or twice, upon my

venturing to express my total incredulity in respect to his

pretensions, he grew very angry indeed, so that at length I

considered it the wiser policy to say nothing at all, and let him

have his own way. He talked on, therefore, at great length, while

I merely leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut, and amused

myself with munching raisins and filliping the stems about the

room. But, by and by, the Angel suddenly construed this behavior

of mine into contempt. He arose in a terrible passion, slouched

his funnel down over his eyes, swore a vast oath, uttered a

threat of some character which I did not precisely comprehend,

and finally made me a low bow and departed, wishing me, in the

language of the archbishop in Gil-Blas, “_beaucoup de bonheur et

un peu plus de bon sens_.”

His departure afforded me relief. The _very_ few glasses of

Lafitte that I had sipped had the effect of rendering me drowsy,

and I felt inclined to take a nap of some fifteen or twenty

minutes, as is my custom after dinner. At six I had an

appointment of consequence, which it was quite indispensable that

I should keep. The policy of insurance for my dwelling house had

expired the day before; and, some dispute having arisen, it was

agreed that, at six, I should meet the board of directors of the

company and settle the terms of a renewal. Glancing upward at the

clock on the mantel-piece, (for I felt too drowsy to take out my

watch), I had the pleasure to find that I had still twenty-five

minutes to spare. It was half past five; I could easily walk to

the insurance office in five minutes; and my usual siestas had

never been known to exceed five and twenty. I felt sufficiently

safe, therefore, and composed myself to my slumbers forthwith.

Having completed them to my satisfaction, I again looked toward

the time-piece and was half inclined to believe in the

possibility of odd accidents when I found that, instead of my

ordinary fifteen or twenty minutes, I had been dozing only three;

for it still wanted seven and twenty of the appointed hour. I

betook myself again to my nap, and at length a second time awoke,

when, to my utter amazement, it _still_ wanted twenty-seven

minutes of six. I jumped up to examine the clock, and found that

it had ceased running. My watch informed me that it was half past

seven; and, of course, having slept two hours, I was too late for

my appointment. “It will make no difference,” I said: “I can call

at the office in the morning and apologize; in the meantime what

can be the matter with the clock?” Upon examining it I discovered

that one of the raisin stems which I had been filliping about the

room during the discourse of the Angel of the Odd, had flown

through the fractured crystal, and lodging, singularly enough, in

the key-hole, with an end projecting outward, had thus arrested

the revolution of the minute hand.

“Ah!” said I, “I see how it is. This thing speaks for itself. A

natural accident, such as _will_ happen now and then!”

I gave the matter no further consideration, and at my usual hour

retired to bed. Here, having placed a candle upon a reading stand

at the bed head, and having made an attempt to peruse some pages

of the “Omnipresence of the Deity,” I unfortunately fell asleep

in less than twenty seconds, leaving the light burning as it was.

My dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of the Angel of

the Odd. Methought he stood at the foot of the couch, drew aside

the curtains, and, in the hollow, detestable tones of a rum

puncheon, menaced me with the bitterest vengeance for the

contempt with which I had treated him. He concluded a long

harangue by taking off his funnel-cap, inserting the tube into my

gullet, and thus deluging me with an ocean of Kirschenwässer,

which he poured, in a continuous flood, from one of the long

necked bottles that stood him instead of an arm. My agony was at

length insufferable, and I awoke just in time to perceive that a

rat had ran off with the lighted candle from the stand, but _not_

in season to prevent his making his escape with it through the

hole. Very soon, a strong suffocating odor assailed my nostrils;

the house, I clearly perceived, was on fire. In a few minutes the

blaze broke forth with violence, and in an incredibly brief

period the entire building was wrapped in flames. All egress from

my chamber, except through a window, was cut off. The crowd,

however, quickly procured and raised a long ladder. By means of

this I was descending rapidly, and in apparent safety, when a

huge hog, about whose rotund stomach, and indeed about whose

whole air and physiognomy, there was something which reminded me

of the Angel of the Odd,—when this hog, I say, which hitherto had

been quietly slumbering in the mud, took it suddenly into his

head that his left shoulder needed scratching, and could find no

more convenient rubbing-post than that afforded by the foot of

the ladder. In an instant I was precipitated and had the

misfortune to fracture my arm.

This accident, with the loss of my insurance, and with the more

serious loss of my hair, the whole of which had been singed off

by the fire, predisposed me to serious impressions, so that,

finally, I made up my mind to take a wife. There was a rich widow

disconsolate for the loss of her seventh husband, and to her

wounded spirit I offered the balm of my vows. She yielded a

reluctant consent to my prayers. I knelt at her feet in gratitude

and adoration. She blushed and bowed her luxuriant tresses into

close contact with those supplied me, temporarily, by Grandjean.

I know not how the entanglement took place, but so it was. I

arose with a shining pate, wigless; she in disdain and wrath,

half buried in alien hair. Thus ended my hopes of the widow by an

accident which could not have been anticipated, to be sure, but

which the natural sequence of events had brought about.

Without despairing, however, I undertook the siege of a less

implacable heart. The fates were again propitious for a brief

period; but again a trivial incident interfered. Meeting my

betrothed in an avenue thronged with the _élite_ of the city, I

was hastening to greet her with one of my best considered bows,

when a small particle of some foreign matter, lodging in the

corner of my eye, rendered me, for the moment, completely blind.

Before I could recover my sight, the lady of my love had

disappeared—irreparably affronted at what she chose to consider

my premeditated rudeness in passing her by ungreeted. While I

stood bewildered at the suddenness of this accident, (which might

have happened, nevertheless, to any one under the sun), and while

I still continued incapable of sight, I was accosted by the Angel

of the Odd, who proffered me his aid with a civility which I had

no reason to expect. He examined my disordered eye with much

gentleness and skill, informed me that I had a drop in it, and

(whatever a “drop” was) took it out, and afforded me relief.

I now considered it high time to die, (since fortune had so

determined to persecute me,) and accordingly made my way to the

nearest river. Here, divesting myself of my clothes, (for there

is no reason why we cannot die as we were born), I threw myself

headlong into the current; the sole witness of my fate being a

solitary crow that had been seduced into the eating of

brandy-saturated corn, and so had staggered away from his

fellows. No sooner had I entered the water than this bird took it

into its head to fly away with the most indispensable portion of

my apparel. Postponing, therefore, for the present, my suicidal

design, I just slipped my nether extremities into the sleeves of

my coat, and betook myself to a pursuit of the felon with all the

nimbleness which the case required and its circumstances would

admit. But my evil destiny attended me still. As I ran at full

speed, with my nose up in the atmosphere, and intent only upon

the purloiner of my property, I suddenly perceived that my feet

rested no longer upon _terra-firma_; the fact is, I had thrown

myself over a precipice, and should inevitably have been dashed

to pieces but for my good fortune in grasping the end of a long

guide-rope, which depended from a passing balloon.

As soon as I sufficiently recovered my senses to comprehend the

terrific predicament in which I stood or rather hung, I exerted

all the power of my lungs to make that predicament known to the

æronaut overhead. But for a long time I exerted myself in vain.

Either the fool could not, or the villain would not perceive me.

Meantime the machine rapidly soared, while my strength even more

rapidly failed. I was soon upon the point of resigning myself to

my fate, and dropping quietly into the sea, when my spirits were

suddenly revived by hearing a hollow voice from above, which

seemed to be lazily humming an opera air. Looking up, I perceived

the Angel of the Odd. He was leaning with his arms folded, over

the rim of the car; and with a pipe in his mouth, at which he

puffed leisurely, seemed to be upon excellent terms with himself

and the universe. I was too much exhausted to speak, so I merely

regarded him with an imploring air.

For several minutes, although he looked me full in the face, he

said nothing. At length removing carefully his meerschaum from

the right to the left corner of his mouth, he condescended to

speak.

“Who pe you,” he asked, “und what der teuffel you pe do dare?”

To this piece of impudence, cruelty and affectation, I could

reply only by ejaculating the monosyllable “Help!”

“Elp!” echoed the ruffian—“not I. Dare iz te pottle—elp yourself,

und pe tam’d!”

With these words he let fall a heavy bottle of Kirschenwasser

which, dropping precisely upon the crown of my head, caused me to

imagine that my brains were entirely knocked out. Impressed with

this idea, I was about to relinquish my hold and give up the

ghost with a good grace, when I was arrested by the cry of the

Angel, who bade me hold on.

“Old on!” he said; “don’t pe in te urry—don’t. Will you pe take

de odder pottle, or ave you pe got zober yet and come to your

zenzes?”

I made haste, hereupon, to nod my head twice—once in the

negative, meaning thereby that I would prefer not taking the

other bottle at present—and once in the affirmative, intending

thus to imply that I _was_ sober and _had_ positively come to my

senses. By these means I somewhat softened the Angel.

“Und you pelief, ten,” he inquired, “at te last? You pelief, ten,

in te possibilty of te odd?”

I again nodded my head in assent.

“Und you ave pelief in _me_, te Angel of te Odd?”

I nodded again.

“Und you acknowledge tat you pe te blind dronk and te vool?”

I nodded once more.

“Put your right hand into your left hand preeches pocket, ten, in

token ov your vull zubmizzion unto te Angel ov te Odd.”

This thing, for very obvious reasons, I found it quite impossible

to do. In the first place, my left arm had been broken in my fall

from the ladder, and, therefore, had I let go my hold with the

right hand, I must have let go altogether. In the second place, I

could have no breeches until I came across the crow. I was

therefore obliged, much to my regret, to shake my head in the

negative—intending thus to give the Angel to understand that I

found it inconvenient, just at that moment, to comply with his

very reasonable demand! No sooner, however, had I ceased shaking

my head than—

“Go to der teuffel, ten!” roared the Angel of the Odd.

In pronouncing these words, he drew a sharp knife across the

guide-rope by which I was suspended, and as we then happened to

be precisely over my own house, (which, during my peregrinations,

had been handsomely rebuilt,) it so occurred that I tumbled

headlong down the ample chimney and alit upon the dining-room

hearth.

Upon coming to my senses, (for the fall had very thoroughly

stunned me,) I found it about four o’clock in the morning. I lay

outstretched where I had fallen from the balloon. My head

grovelled in the ashes of an extinguished fire, while my feet

reposed upon the wreck of a small table, overthrown, and amid the

fragments of a miscellaneous dessert, intermingled with a

newspaper, some broken glass and shattered bottles, and an empty

jug of the Schiedam Kirschenwasser. Thus revenged himself the

Angel of the Odd.

[Mabbott states that Griswold “obviously had a revised form” for

use in the 1856 volume of Poe’s works. Mabbott does not

substantiate this claim, but it is surely not unreasonable. An

editor, and even typographical errors, may have produced nearly

all of the very minor changes made in this version. (Indeed, two

very necessary words were clearly dropped by accident.) An editor

might have corrected “Wickliffe’s ‘Epigoniad’” to “Wilkie’s

‘Epigoniad’,” but is unlikely to have added “Tuckerman’s

‘Sicily’” to the list of books read by the narrator. Griswold was

not above forgery (in Poe’s letters) when it suited his purpose,

but would have too little to gain by such an effort in this

instance.]

MELLONTA TAUTA

TO THE EDITORS OF THE LADY’S BOOK:

I have the honor of sending you, for your magazine, an article

which I hope you will be able to comprehend rather more

distinctly than I do myself. It is a translation, by my friend,

Martin Van Buren Mavis, (sometimes called the “Poughkeepsie

Seer”) of an odd-looking MS. which I found, about a year ago,

tightly corked up in a jug floating in the Mare Tenebrarum—a sea

well described by the Nubian geographer, but seldom visited

now-a-days, except for the transcendentalists and divers for

crotchets.

Truly yours,

EDGAR A. POE

{this paragraph not in the volume—ED}

ON BOARD BALLOON “SKYLARK”

_April_, 1, 2848

Now, my dear friend—now, for your sins, you are to suffer the

infliction of a long gossiping letter. I tell you distinctly that

I am going to punish you for all your impertinences by being as

tedious, as discursive, as incoherent and as unsatisfactory as

possible. Besides, here I am, cooped up in a dirty balloon, with

some one or two hundred of the canaille, all bound on a pleasure

excursion, (what a funny idea some people have of pleasure!) and

I have no prospect of touching terra firma for a month at least.

Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do. When one has nothing to do,

then is the time to correspond with ones friends. You perceive,

then, why it is that I write you this letter—it is on account of

my ennui and your sins.

Get ready your spectacles and make up your mind to be annoyed. I

mean to write at you every day during this odious voyage.

Heigho! when will any Invention visit the human pericranium? Are

we forever to be doomed to the thousand inconveniences of the

balloon? Will nobody contrive a more expeditious mode of

progress? The jog-trot movement, to my thinking, is little less

than positive torture. Upon my word we have not made more than a

hundred miles the hour since leaving home! The very birds beat

us—at least some of them. I assure you that I do not exaggerate

at all. Our motion, no doubt, seems slower than it actually

is—this on account of our having no objects about us by which to

estimate our velocity, and on account of our going with the wind.

To be sure, whenever we meet a balloon we have a chance of

perceiving our rate, and then, I admit, things do not appear so

very bad. Accustomed as I am to this mode of travelling, I cannot

get over a kind of giddiness whenever a balloon passes us in a

current directly overhead. It always seems to me like an immense

bird of prey about to pounce upon us and carry us off in its

claws. One went over us this morning about sunrise, and so nearly

overhead that its drag-rope actually brushed the network

suspending our car, and caused us very serious apprehension. Our

captain said that if the material of the bag had been the

trumpery varnished “silk” of five hundred or a thousand years

ago, we should inevitably have been damaged. This silk, as he

explained it to me, was a fabric composed of the entrails of a

species of earth-worm. The worm was carefully fed on mulberries—a

kind of fruit resembling a water-melon—and, when sufficiently

fat, was crushed in a mill. The paste thus arising was called

papyrus in its primary state, and went through a variety of

processes until it finally became “silk.” Singular to relate, it

was once much admired as an article of female dress! Balloons

were also very generally constructed from it. A better kind of

material, it appears, was subsequently found in the down

surrounding the seed-vessels of a plant vulgarly called

euphorbium, and at that time botanically termed milk-weed. This

latter kind of silk was designated as silk-buckingham, on account

of its superior durability, and was usually prepared for use by

being varnished with a solution of gum caoutchouc—a substance

which in some respects must have resembled the gutta percha now

in common use. This caoutchouc was occasionally called Indian

rubber or rubber of twist, and was no doubt one of the numerous

fungi. Never tell me again that I am not at heart an antiquarian.

Talking of drag-ropes—our own, it seems, has this moment knocked

a man overboard from one of the small magnetic propellers that

swarm in ocean below us—a boat of about six thousand tons, and,

from all accounts, shamefully crowded. These diminutive barques

should be prohibited from carrying more than a definite number of

passengers. The man, of course, was not permitted to get on board

again, and was soon out of sight, he and his life-preserver. I

rejoice, my dear friend, that we live in an age so enlightened

that no such a thing as an individual is supposed to exist. It is

the mass for which the true Humanity cares. By-the-by, talking of

Humanity, do you know that our immortal Wiggins is not so

original in his views of the Social Condition and so forth, as

his contemporaries are inclined to suppose? Pundit assures me

that the same ideas were put nearly in the same way, about a

thousand years ago, by an Irish philosopher called Furrier, on

account of his keeping a retail shop for cat peltries and other

furs. Pundit knows, you know; there can be no mistake about it.

How very wonderfully do we see verified every day, the profound

observation of the Hindoo Aries Tottle (as quoted by

Pundit)—“Thus must we say that, not once or twice, or a few

times, but with almost infinite repetitions, the same opinions

come round in a circle among men.”

April 2.—Spoke to-day the magnetic cutter in charge of the middle

section of floating telegraph wires. I learn that when this

species of telegraph was first put into operation by Horse, it

was considered quite impossible to convey the wires over sea, but

now we are at a loss to comprehend where the difficulty lay! So

wags the world. Tempora mutantur—excuse me for quoting the

Etruscan. What would we do without the Atalantic telegraph?

(Pundit says Atlantic was the ancient adjective.) We lay to a few

minutes to ask the cutter some questions, and learned, among

other glorious news, that civil war is raging in Africa, while

the plague is doing its good work beautifully both in Yurope and

Ayesher. Is it not truly remarkable that, before the magnificent

light shed upon philosophy by Humanity, the world was accustomed

to regard War and Pestilence as calamities? Do you know that

prayers were actually offered up in the ancient temples to the

end that these evils (!) might not be visited upon mankind? Is it

not really difficult to comprehend upon what principle of

interest our forefathers acted? Were they so blind as not to

perceive that the destruction of a myriad of individuals is only

so much positive advantage to the mass!

April 3.—It is really a very fine amusement to ascend the

rope-ladder leading to the summit of the balloon-bag, and thence

survey the surrounding world. From the car below you know the

prospect is not so comprehensive—you can see little vertically.

But seated here (where I write this) in the luxuriously-cushioned

open piazza of the summit, one can see everything that is going

on in all directions. Just now there is quite a crowd of balloons

in sight, and they present a very animated appearance, while the

air is resonant with the hum of so many millions of human voices.

I have heard it asserted that when Yellow or (Pundit will have

it) Violet, who is supposed to have been the first aeronaut,

maintained the practicability of traversing the atmosphere in all

directions, by merely ascending or descending until a favorable

current was attained, he was scarcely hearkened to at all by his

contemporaries, who looked upon him as merely an ingenious sort

of madman, because the philosophers (?) of the day declared the

thing impossible. Really now it does seem to me quite

unaccountable how any thing so obviously feasible could have

escaped the sagacity of the ancient savans. But in all ages the

great obstacles to advancement in Art have been opposed by the

so-called men of science. To be sure, our men of science are not

quite so bigoted as those of old:—oh, I have something so queer

to tell you on this topic. Do you know that it is not more than a

thousand years ago since the metaphysicians consented to relieve

the people of the singular fancy that there existed but two

possible roads for the attainment of Truth! Believe it if you

can! It appears that long, long ago, in the night of Time, there

lived a Turkish philosopher (or Hindoo possibly) called Aries

Tottle. This person introduced, or at all events propagated what

was termed the deductive or a priori mode of investigation. He

started with what he maintained to be axioms or “self-evident

truths,” and thence proceeded “logically” to results. His

greatest disciples were one Neuclid, and one Cant. Well, Aries

Tottle flourished supreme until advent of one Hog, surnamed the

“Ettrick Shepherd,” who preached an entirely different system,

which he called the a posteriori or inductive. His plan referred

altogether to Sensation. He proceeded by observing, analyzing,

and classifying facts-instantiae naturae, as they were affectedly

called—into general laws. Aries Tottle’s mode, in a word, was

based on noumena; Hog’s on phenomena. Well, so great was the

admiration excited by this latter system that, at its first

introduction, Aries Tottle fell into disrepute; but finally he

recovered ground and was permitted to divide the realm of Truth

with his more modern rival. The savans now maintained the

Aristotelian and Baconian roads were the sole possible avenues to

knowledge. “Baconian,” you must know, was an adjective invented

as equivalent to Hog-ian and more euphonious and dignified.

Now, my dear friend, I do assure you, most positively, that I

represent this matter fairly, on the soundest authority; and you

can easily understand how a notion so absurd on its very face

must have operated to retard the progress of all true

knowledge—which makes its advances almost invariably by intuitive

bounds. The ancient idea confined investigations to crawling; and

for hundreds of years so great was the infatuation about Hog

especially, that a virtual end was put to all thinking, properly

so called. No man dared utter a truth to which he felt himself

indebted to his Soul alone. It mattered not whether the truth was

even demonstrably a truth, for the bullet-headed savans of the

time regarded only the road by which he had attained it. They

would not even look at the end. “Let us see the means,” they

cried, “the means!” If, upon investigation of the means, it was

found to come under neither the category Aries (that is to say

Ram) nor under the category Hog, why then the savans went no

farther, but pronounced the “theorist” a fool, and would have

nothing to do with him or his truth.

Now, it cannot be maintained, even, that by the crawling system

the greatest amount of truth would be attained in any long series

of ages, for the repression of imagination was an evil not to be

compensated for by any superior certainty in the ancient modes of

investigation. The error of these Jurmains, these Vrinch, these

Inglitch, and these Amriccans (the latter, by the way, were our

own immediate progenitors), was an error quite analogous with

that of the wiseacre who fancies that he must necessarily see an

object the better the more closely he holds it to his eyes. These

people blinded themselves by details. When they proceeded

Hoggishly, their “facts” were by no means always facts—a matter

of little consequence had it not been for assuming that they were

facts and must be facts because they appeared to be such. When

they proceeded on the path of the Ram, their course was scarcely

as straight as a ram’s horn, for they never had an axiom which

was an axiom at all. They must have been very blind not to see

this, even in their own day; for even in their own day many of

the long “established” axioms had been rejected. For example—“Ex

nihilo nihil fit”; “a body cannot act where it is not”; “there

cannot exist antipodes”; “darkness cannot come out of light”—all

these, and a dozen other similar propositions, formerly admitted

without hesitation as axioms, were, even at the period of which I

speak, seen to be untenable. How absurd in these people, then, to

persist in putting faith in “axioms” as immutable bases of Truth!

But even out of the mouths of their soundest reasoners it is easy

to demonstrate the futility, the impalpability of their axioms in

general. Who was the soundest of their logicians? Let me see! I

will go and ask Pundit and be back in a minute.... Ah, here we

have it! Here is a book written nearly a thousand years ago and

lately translated from the Inglitch—which, by the way, appears to

have been the rudiment of the Amriccan. Pundit says it is

decidedly the cleverest ancient work on its topic, Logic. The

author (who was much thought of in his day) was one Miller, or

Mill; and we find it recorded of him, as a point of some

importance, that he had a mill-horse called Bentham. But let us

glance at the treatise!

Ah!—“Ability or inability to conceive,” says Mr. Mill, very

properly, “is in no case to be received as a criterion of

axiomatic truth.” What modern in his senses would ever think of

disputing this truism? The only wonder with us must be, how it

happened that Mr. Mill conceived it necessary even to hint at any

thing so obvious. So far good—but let us turn over another paper.

What have we here?—“Contradictories cannot both be true—that is,

cannot co-exist in nature.” Here Mr. Mill means, for example,

that a tree must be either a tree or not a tree—that it cannot be

at the same time a tree and not a tree. Very well; but I ask him

why. His reply is this—and never pretends to be any thing else

than this—“Because it is impossible to conceive that

contradictories can both be true.” But this is no answer at all,

by his own showing, for has he not just admitted as a truism that

“ability or inability to conceive is in no case to be received as

a criterion of axiomatic truth.”

Now I do not complain of these ancients so much because their

logic is, by their own showing, utterly baseless, worthless and

fantastic altogether, as because of their pompous and imbecile

proscription of all other roads of Truth, of all other means for

its attainment than the two preposterous paths—the one of

creeping and the one of crawling—to which they have dared to

confine the Soul that loves nothing so well as to soar.

By the by, my dear friend, do you not think it would have puzzled

these ancient dogmaticians to have determined by which of their

two roads it was that the most important and most sublime of all

their truths was, in effect, attained? I mean the truth of

Gravitation. Newton owed it to Kepler. Kepler admitted that his

three laws were guessed at—these three laws of all laws which led

the great Inglitch mathematician to his principle, the basis of

all physical principle—to go behind which we must enter the

Kingdom of Metaphysics: Kepler guessed—that is to say imagined.

He was essentially a “theorist”—that word now of so much

sanctity, formerly an epithet of contempt. Would it not have

puzzled these old moles too, to have explained by which of the

two “roads” a cryptographist unriddles a cryptograph of more than

usual secrecy, or by which of the two roads Champollion directed

mankind to those enduring and almost innumerable truths which

resulted from his deciphering the Hieroglyphics.

One word more on this topic and I will be done boring you. Is it

not passing strange that, with their eternal prattling about

roads to Truth, these bigoted people missed what we now so

clearly perceive to be the great highway—that of Consistency?

Does it not seem singular how they should have failed to deduce

from the works of God the vital fact that a perfect consistency

must be an absolute truth! How plain has been our progress since

the late announcement of this proposition! Investigation has been

taken out of the hands of the ground-moles and given, as a task,

to the true and only true thinkers, the men of ardent

imagination. These latter theorize. Can you not fancy the shout

of scorn with which my words would be received by our progenitors

were it possible for them to be now looking over my shoulder?

These men, I say, theorize; and their theories are simply

corrected, reduced, systematized—cleared, little by little, of

their dross of inconsistency—until, finally, a perfect

consistency stands apparent which even the most stolid admit,

because it is a consistency, to be an absolute and an

unquestionable truth.

April 4.—The new gas is doing wonders, in conjunction with the

new improvement with gutta percha. How very safe, commodious,

manageable, and in every respect convenient are our modern

balloons! Here is an immense one approaching us at the rate of at

least a hundred and fifty miles an hour. It seems to be crowded

with people—perhaps there are three or four hundred

passengers—and yet it soars to an elevation of nearly a mile,

looking down upon poor us with sovereign contempt. Still a

hundred or even two hundred miles an hour is slow travelling

after all. Do you remember our flight on the railroad across the

Kanadaw continent?—fully three hundred miles the hour—that was

travelling. Nothing to be seen though—nothing to be done but

flirt, feast and dance in the magnificent saloons. Do you

remember what an odd sensation was experienced when, by chance,

we caught a glimpse of external objects while the cars were in

full flight? Every thing seemed unique—in one mass. For my part,

I cannot say but that I preferred the travelling by the slow

train of a hundred miles the hour. Here we were permitted to have

glass windows—even to have them open—and something like a

distinct view of the country was attainable.... Pundit says that

the route for the great Kanadaw railroad must have been in some

measure marked out about nine hundred years ago! In fact, he goes

so far as to assert that actual traces of a road are still

discernible—traces referable to a period quite as remote as that

mentioned. The track, it appears was double only; ours, you know,

has twelve paths; and three or four new ones are in preparation.

The ancient rails were very slight, and placed so close together

as to be, according to modern notions, quite frivolous, if not

dangerous in the extreme. The present width of track—fifty

feet—is considered, indeed, scarcely secure enough. For my part,

I make no doubt that a track of some sort must have existed in

very remote times, as Pundit asserts; for nothing can be clearer,

to my mind, than that, at some period—not less than seven

centuries ago, certainly—the Northern and Southern Kanadaw

continents were united; the Kanawdians, then, would have been

driven, by necessity, to a great railroad across the continent.

April 5.—I am almost devoured by _ennui_. Pundit is the only

conversible person on board; and he, poor soul! can speak of

nothing but antiquities. He has been occupied all the day in the

attempt to convince me that the ancient Amriccans governed

themselves!—did ever anybody hear of such an absurdity?—that they

existed in a sort of every-man-for-himself confederacy, after the

fashion of the “prairie dogs” that we read of in fable. He says

that they started with the queerest idea conceivable, viz: that

all men are born free and equal—this in the very teeth of the

laws of _gradation_ so visibly impressed upon all things both in

the moral and physical universe. Every man “voted,” as they

called it—that is to say meddled with public affairs—until at

length, it was discovered that what is everybody’s business is

nobody’s, and that the “Republic” (so the absurd thing was

called) was without a government at all. It is related, however,

that the first circumstance which disturbed, very particularly,

the self-complacency of the philosophers who constructed this

“Republic,” was the startling discovery that universal suffrage

gave opportunity for fraudulent schemes, by means of which any

desired number of votes might at any time be polled, without the

possibility of prevention or even detection, by any party which

should be merely villainous enough not to be ashamed of the

fraud. A little reflection upon this discovery sufficed to render

evident the consequences, which were that rascality must

predominate—in a word, that a republican government could never

be any thing but a rascally one. While the philosophers, however,

were busied in blushing at their stupidity in not having foreseen

these inevitable evils, and intent upon the invention of new

theories, the matter was put to an abrupt issue by a fellow of

the name of Mob, who took every thing into his own hands and set

up a despotism, in comparison with which those of the fabulous

Zeros and Hellofagabaluses were respectable and delectable. This

Mob (a foreigner, by-the-by), is said to have been the most

odious of all men that ever encumbered the earth. He was a giant

in stature—insolent, rapacious, filthy, had the gall of a bullock

with the heart of a hyena and the brains of a peacock. He died,

at length, by dint of his own energies, which exhausted him.

Nevertheless, he had his uses, as every thing has, however vile,

and taught mankind a lesson which to this day it is in no danger

of forgetting—never to run directly contrary to the natural

analogies. As for Republicanism, no analogy could be found for it

upon the face of the earth—unless we except the case of the

“prairie dogs,” an exception which seems to demonstrate, if

anything, that democracy is a very admirable form of

government—for dogs.

April 6.—Last night had a fine view of Alpha Lyrae, whose disk,

through our captain’s spy-glass, subtends an angle of half a

degree, looking very much as our sun does to the naked eye on a

misty day. Alpha Lyrae, although so very much larger than our

sun, by the by, resembles him closely as regards its spots, its

atmosphere, and in many other particulars. It is only within the

last century, Pundit tells me, that the binary relation existing

between these two orbs began even to be suspected. The evident

motion of our system in the heavens was (strange to say!)

referred to an orbit about a prodigious star in the centre of the

galaxy. About this star, or at all events about a centre of

gravity common to all the globes of the Milky Way and supposed to

be near Alcyone in the Pleiades, every one of these globes was

declared to be revolving, our own performing the circuit in a

period of 117,000,000 of years! We, with our present lights, our

vast telescopic improvements, and so forth, of course find it

difficult to comprehend the ground of an idea such as this. Its

first propagator was one Mudler. He was led, we must presume, to

this wild hypothesis by mere analogy in the first instance; but,

this being the case, he should have at least adhered to analogy

in its development. A great central orb was, in fact, suggested;

so far Mudler was consistent. This central orb, however,

dynamically, should have been greater than all its surrounding

orbs taken together. The question might then have been asked—“Why

do we not see it?”—we, especially, who occupy the mid region of

the cluster—the very locality near which, at least, must be

situated this inconceivable central sun. The astronomer, perhaps,

at this point, took refuge in the suggestion of non-luminosity;

and here analogy was suddenly let fall. But even admitting the

central orb non-luminous, how did he manage to explain its

failure to be rendered visible by the incalculable host of

glorious suns glaring in all directions about it? No doubt what

he finally maintained was merely a centre of gravity common to

all the revolving orbs—but here again analogy must have been let

fall. Our system revolves, it is true, about a common centre of

gravity, but it does this in connection with and in consequence

of a material sun whose mass more than counterbalances the rest

of the system. The mathematical circle is a curve composed of an

infinity of straight lines; but this idea of the circle—this idea

of it which, in regard to all earthly geometry, we consider as

merely the mathematical, in contradistinction from the practical,

idea—is, in sober fact, the practical conception which alone we

have any right to entertain in respect to those Titanic circles

with which we have to deal, at least in fancy, when we suppose

our system, with its fellows, revolving about a point in the

centre of the galaxy. Let the most vigorous of human imaginations

but attempt to take a single step toward the comprehension of a

circuit so unutterable! It would scarcely be paradoxical to say

that a flash of lightning itself, travelling forever upon the

circumference of this inconceivable circle, would still forever

be travelling in a straight line. That the path of our sun along

such a circumference—that the direction of our system in such an

orbit—would, to any human perception, deviate in the slightest

degree from a straight line even in a million of years, is a

proposition not to be entertained; and yet these ancient

astronomers were absolutely cajoled, it appears, into believing

that a decisive curvature had become apparent during the brief

period of their astronomical history—during the mere point—during

the utter nothingness of two or three thousand years! How

incomprehensible, that considerations such as this did not at

once indicate to them the true state of affairs—that of the

binary revolution of our sun and Alpha Lyrae around a common

centre of gravity!

April 7.—Continued last night our astronomical amusements. Had a

fine view of the five Neptunian asteroids, and watched with much

interest the putting up of a huge impost on a couple of lintels

in the new temple at Daphnis in the moon. It was amusing to think

that creatures so diminutive as the lunarians, and bearing so

little resemblance to humanity, yet evinced a mechanical

ingenuity so much superior to our own. One finds it difficult,

too, to conceive the vast masses which these people handle so

easily, to be as light as our own reason tells us they actually

are.

April 8.—Eureka! Pundit is in his glory. A balloon from Kanadaw

spoke us to-day and threw on board several late papers; they

contain some exceedingly curious information relative to

Kanawdian or rather Amriccan antiquities. You know, I presume,

that laborers have for some months been employed in preparing the

ground for a new fountain at Paradise, the Emperor’s principal

pleasure garden. Paradise, it appears, has been, literally

speaking, an island time out of mind—that is to say, its northern

boundary was always (as far back as any record extends) a

rivulet, or rather a very narrow arm of the sea. This arm was

gradually widened until it attained its present breadth—a mile.

The whole length of the island is nine miles; the breadth varies

materially. The entire area (so Pundit says) was, about eight

hundred years ago, densely packed with houses, some of them

twenty stories high; land (for some most unaccountable reason)

being considered as especially precious just in this vicinity.

The disastrous earthquake, however, of the year 2050, so totally

uprooted and overwhelmed the town (for it was almost too large to

be called a village) that the most indefatigable of our

antiquarians have never yet been able to obtain from the site any

sufficient data (in the shape of coins, medals or inscriptions)

wherewith to build up even the ghost of a theory concerning the

manners, customs, &c., &c., &c., of the aboriginal inhabitants.

Nearly all that we have hitherto known of them is, that they were

a portion of the Knickerbocker tribe of savages infesting the

continent at its first discovery by Recorder Riker, a knight of

the Golden Fleece. They were by no means uncivilized, however,

but cultivated various arts and even sciences after a fashion of

their own. It is related of them that they were acute in many

respects, but were oddly afflicted with monomania for building

what, in the ancient Amriccan, was denominated “churches”—a kind

of pagoda instituted for the worship of two idols that went by

the names of Wealth and Fashion. In the end, it is said, the

island became, nine tenths of it, church. The women, too, it

appears, were oddly deformed by a natural protuberance of the

region just below the small of the back—although, most

unaccountably, this deformity was looked upon altogether in the

light of a beauty. One or two pictures of these singular women

have in fact, been miraculously preserved. They look very odd,

very—like something between a turkey-cock and a dromedary.

Well, these few details are nearly all that have descended to us

respecting the ancient Knickerbockers. It seems, however, that

while digging in the centre of the emperors garden, (which, you

know, covers the whole island), some of the workmen unearthed a

cubical and evidently chiseled block of granite, weighing several

hundred pounds. It was in good preservation, having received,

apparently, little injury from the convulsion which entombed it.

On one of its surfaces was a marble slab with (only think of it!)

an inscription—a legible inscription. Pundit is in ecstacies.

Upon detaching the slab, a cavity appeared, containing a leaden

box filled with various coins, a long scroll of names, several

documents which appear to resemble newspapers, with other matters

of intense interest to the antiquarian! There can be no doubt

that all these are genuine Amriccan relics belonging to the tribe

called Knickerbocker. The papers thrown on board our balloon are

filled with fac-similes of the coins, MSS., typography, &c., &c.

I copy for your amusement the Knickerbocker inscription on the

marble slab:—

This Corner Stone of a Monument to

The Memory of

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Was Laid With Appropriate Ceremonies

on the

19th Day of October, 1847

The anniversary of the surrender of

Lord Cornwallis

to General Washington at Yorktown

A. D. 1781

Under the Auspices of the

Washington Monument Association of

the city of New York

This, as I give it, is a verbatim translation done by Pundit

himself, so there can be no mistake about it. From the few words

thus preserved, we glean several important items of knowledge,

not the least interesting of which is the fact that a thousand

years ago actual monuments had fallen into disuse—as was all very

proper—the people contenting themselves, as we do now, with a

mere indication of the design to erect a monument at some future

time; a corner-stone being cautiously laid by itself “solitary

and alone” (excuse me for quoting the great American poet

Benton!), as a guarantee of the magnanimous intention. We

ascertain, too, very distinctly, from this admirable inscription,

the how as well as the where and the what, of the great surrender

in question. As to the where, it was Yorktown (wherever that

was), and as to the what, it was General Cornwallis (no doubt

some wealthy dealer in corn). He was surrendered. The inscription

commemorates the surrender of—what?—why, “of Lord Cornwallis.”

The only question is what could the savages wish him surrendered

for. But when we remember that these savages were undoubtedly

cannibals, we are led to the conclusion that they intended him

for sausage. As to the how of the surrender, no language can be

more explicit. Lord Cornwallis was surrendered (for sausage)

“under the auspices of the Washington Monument Association”—no

doubt a charitable institution for the depositing of

corner-stones.—But, Heaven bless me! what is the matter? Ah, I

see—the balloon has collapsed, and we shall have a tumble into

the sea. I have, therefore, only time enough to add that, from a

hasty inspection of the fac-similes of newspapers, &c., &c., I

find that the great men in those days among the Amriccans, were

one John, a smith, and one Zacchary, a tailor.

Good-bye, until I see you again. Whether you ever get this letter

or not is point of little importance, as I write altogether for

my own amusement. I shall cork the MS. up in a bottle, however,

and throw it into the sea.

Yours everlastingly,

PUNDITA.

THE DUC DE L’OMELETTE.

And stepped at once into a cooler clime.—_Cowper_.

Keats fell by a criticism. Who was it died of “The Andromache”?

{*1} Ignoble souls!—De L’Omelette perished of an ortolan.

_L’histoire en est brève_. Assist me, Spirit of Apicius!

A golden cage bore the little winged wanderer, enamored, melting,

indolent, to the _Chaussée D’Antin_, from its home in far Peru.

From its queenly possessor La Bellissima, to the Duc De

L’Omelette, six peers of the empire conveyed the happy bird.

That night the Duc was to sup alone. In the privacy of his bureau

he reclined languidly on that ottoman for which he sacrificed his

loyalty in outbidding his king—the notorious ottoman of Cadêt.

He buries his face in the pillow. The clock strikes! Unable to

restrain his feelings, his Grace swallows an olive. At this

moment the door gently opens to the sound of soft music, and lo!

the most delicate of birds is before the most enamored of men!

But what inexpressible dismay now overshadows the countenance of

the Duc?—“_Horreur!—chien! Baptiste!—l’oiseau! ah, bon Dieu! cet

oiseau modeste que tu as déshabillé de ses plumes, et que tu as

servi sans papier!_” It is superfluous to say more:—the Duc

expired in a paroxysm of disgust.

“Ha! ha! ha!” said his Grace on the third day after his decease.

“He! he! he!” replied the Devil faintly, drawing himself up with

an air of _hauteur_.

“Why, surely you are not serious,” retorted De L’Omelette. “I

have sinned—c’est vrai—but, my good sir, consider!—you have no

actual intention of putting such—such barbarous threats into

execution.”

“No _what?_” said his majesty—“come, sir, strip!”

“Strip, indeed! very pretty i’ faith! no, sir, I shall _not_

strip. Who are you, pray, that I, Duc De L’Omelette, Prince de

Foie-Gras, just come of age, author of the ‘Mazurkiad,’ and

Member of the Academy, should divest myself at your bidding of

the sweetest pantaloons ever made by Bourdon, the daintiest

_robe-de-chambre_ ever put together by Rombêrt—to say nothing of

the taking my hair out of paper—not to mention the trouble I

should have in drawing off my gloves?”

“Who am I?—ah, true! I am Baal-Zebub, Prince of the Fly. I took

thee, just now, from a rose-wood coffin inlaid with ivory. Thou

wast curiously scented, and labelled as per invoice. Belial sent

thee,—my Inspector of Cemeteries. The pantaloons, which thou

sayest were made by Bourdon, are an excellent pair of linen

drawers, and thy _robe-de-chambre_ is a shroud of no scanty

dimensions.”

“Sir!” replied the Duc, “I am not to be insulted with

impunity!—Sir! I shall take the earliest opportunity of avenging

this insult!—Sir! you shall hear from me! in the meantime _au

revoir!_”—and the Duc was bowing himself out of the Satanic

presence, when he was interrupted and brought back by a gentleman

in waiting. Hereupon his Grace rubbed his eyes, yawned, shrugged

his shoulders, reflected. Having become satisfied of his

identity, he took a bird’s eye view of his whereabouts.

The apartment was superb. Even De L’Omelette pronounced it _bien

comme il faut_. It was not its length nor its breadth,—but its

height—ah, that was appalling!—There was no ceiling—certainly

none—but a dense whirling mass of fiery-colored clouds. His

Grace’s brain reeled as he glanced upward. From above, hung a

chain of an unknown blood-red metal—its upper end lost, like the

city of Boston, _parmi les nues_. From its nether extremity swung

a large cresset. The Duc knew it to be a ruby; but from it there

poured a light so intense, so still, so terrible, Persia never

worshipped such—Gheber never imagined such—Mussulman never

dreamed of such when, drugged with opium, he has tottered to a

bed of poppies, his back to the flowers, and his face to the God

Apollo. The Duc muttered a slight oath, decidedly approbatory.

The corners of the room were rounded into niches. Three of these

were filled with statues of gigantic proportions. Their beauty

was Grecian, their deformity Egyptian, their _tout ensemble_

French. In the fourth niche the statue was veiled; it was _not_

colossal. But then there was a taper ankle, a sandalled foot. De

L’Omelette pressed his hand upon his heart, closed his eyes,

raised them, and caught his Satanic Majesty—in a blush.

But the paintings!—Kupris! Astarte! Astoreth!—a thousand and the

same! And Rafaelle has beheld them! Yes, Rafaelle has been here,

for did he not paint the—? and was he not consequently damned?

The paintings—the paintings! O luxury! O love!—who, gazing on

those forbidden beauties, shall have eyes for the dainty devices

of the golden frames that besprinkled, like stars, the hyacinth

and the porphyry walls?

But the Duc’s heart is fainting within him. He is not, however,

as you suppose, dizzy with magnificence, nor drunk with the

ecstatic breath of those innumerable censers. _C’est vrai que de

toutes ces choses il a pensé beaucoup—mais!_ The Duc De

L’Omelette is terror-stricken; for, through the lurid vista which

a single uncurtained window is affording, lo! gleams the most

ghastly of all fires!

_Le pauvre Duc!_ He could not help imagining that the glorious,

the voluptuous, the never-dying melodies which pervaded that

hall, as they passed filtered and transmuted through the alchemy

of the enchanted window-panes, were the wailings and the howlings

of the hopeless and the damned! And there, too!—there!—upon the

ottoman!—who could _he_ be?—he, the _petitmaître_—no, the

Deity—who sat as if carved in marble, _et qui sourit_, with his

pale countenance, _si amèrement?_

_Mais il faut agir_—that is to say, a Frenchman never faints

outright. Besides, his Grace hated a scene—De L’Omelette is

himself again. There were some foils upon a table—some points

also. The Duc had studied under B——; _il avait tué ses six

hommes._ Now, then, _il peut s’échapper_. He measures two points,

and, with a grace inimitable, offers his Majesty the choice.

_Horreur!_ his Majesty does not fence!

_Mais il joue!_—how happy a thought!—but his Grace had always an

excellent memory. He had dipped in the “_Diable_” of Abbé

Gualtier. Therein it is said “_que le Diable n’ose pas refuser un

jeu d’écarté._”

But the chances—the chances! True—desperate: but scarcely more

desperate than the Duc. Besides, was he not in the secret?—had he

not skimmed over Père Le Brun?—was he not a member of the Club

Vingt-un? “_Si je perds_,” said he, “_je serai deux fois perdu_—I

shall be doubly damned—_voilà tout!_ (Here his Grace shrugged his

shoulders.) _Si je gagne, je reviendrai a mes ortolans—que les

cartes soient préparées!_”

His Grace was all care, all attention—his Majesty all confidence.

A spectator would have thought of Francis and Charles. His Grace

thought of his game. His Majesty did not think; he shuffled. The

Duc cut.

The cards were dealt. The trump is turned—it is—it is—the king!

No—it was the queen. His Majesty cursed her masculine

habiliments. De L’Omelette placed his hand upon his heart.

They play. The Duc counts. The hand is out. His Majesty counts

heavily, smiles, and is taking wine. The Duc slips a card.

“_C’est à vous à faire_,” said his Majesty, cutting. His Grace

bowed, dealt, and arose from the table _en presentant le Roi_.

His Majesty looked chagrined.

Had Alexander not been Alexander, he would have been Diogenes;

and the Duc assured his antagonist in taking leave, “_que s’il

n’eût été De L’Omelette il n’aurait point d’objection d’être le

Diable._”

THE OBLONG BOX.

Some years ago, I engaged passage from Charleston, S. C., to the

city of New York, in the fine packet-ship “Independence,” Captain

Hardy. We were to sail on the fifteenth of the month (June),

weather permitting; and on the fourteenth, I went on board to

arrange some matters in my state-room.

I found that we were to have a great many passengers, including a

more than usual number of ladies. On the list were several of my

acquaintances, and among other names, I was rejoiced to see that

of Mr. Cornelius Wyatt, a young artist, for whom I entertained

feelings of warm friendship. He had been with me a fellow-student

at C—— University, where we were very much together. He had the

ordinary temperament of genius, and was a compound of

misanthropy, sensibility, and enthusiasm. To these qualities he

united the warmest and truest heart which ever beat in a human

bosom.

I observed that his name was carded upon three state-rooms; and,

upon again referring to the list of passengers, I found that he

had engaged passage for himself, wife, and two sisters—his own.

The state-rooms were sufficiently roomy, and each had two berths,

one above the other. These berths, to be sure, were so

exceedingly narrow as to be insufficient for more than one

person; still, I could not comprehend why there were three

state-rooms for these four persons. I was, just at that epoch, in

one of those moody frames of mind which make a man abnormally

inquisitive about trifles: and I confess, with shame, that I

busied myself in a variety of ill-bred and preposterous

conjectures about this matter of the supernumerary state-room. It

was no business of mine, to be sure, but with none the less

pertinacity did I occupy myself in attempts to resolve the

enigma. At last I reached a conclusion which wrought in me great

wonder why I had not arrived at it before. “It is a servant of

course,” I said; “what a fool I am, not sooner to have thought of

so obvious a solution!” And then I again repaired to the list—but

here I saw distinctly that no servant was to come with the party,

although, in fact, it had been the original design to bring

one—for the words “and servant” had been first written and then

overscored. “Oh, extra baggage, to be sure,” I now said to

myself—“something he wishes not to be put in the hold—something

to be kept under his own eye—ah, I have it—a painting or so—and

this is what he has been bargaining about with Nicolino, the

Italian Jew.” This idea satisfied me, and I dismissed my

curiosity for the nonce.

Wyatt’s two sisters I knew very well, and most amiable and clever

girls they were. His wife he had newly married, and I had never

yet seen her. He had often talked about her in my presence,

however, and in his usual style of enthusiasm. He described her

as of surpassing beauty, wit, and accomplishment. I was,

therefore, quite anxious to make her acquaintance.

On the day in which I visited the ship (the fourteenth), Wyatt

and party were also to visit it—so the captain informed me—and I

waited on board an hour longer than I had designed, in hope of

being presented to the bride, but then an apology came. “Mrs. W.

was a little indisposed, and would decline coming on board until

to-morrow, at the hour of sailing.”

The morrow having arrived, I was going from my hotel to the

wharf, when Captain Hardy met me and said that, “owing to

circumstances” (a stupid but convenient phrase), “he rather

thought the ‘Independence’ would not sail for a day or two, and

that when all was ready, he would send up and let me know.” This

I thought strange, for there was a stiff southerly breeze; but as

“the circumstances” were not forthcoming, although I pumped for

them with much perseverance, I had nothing to do but to return

home and digest my impatience at leisure.

I did not receive the expected message from the captain for

nearly a week. It came at length, however, and I immediately went

on board. The ship was crowded with passengers, and every thing

was in the bustle attendant upon making sail. Wyatt’s party

arrived in about ten minutes after myself. There were the two

sisters, the bride, and the artist—the latter in one of his

customary fits of moody misanthropy. I was too well used to

these, however, to pay them any special attention. He did not

even introduce me to his wife—this courtesy devolving, per force,

upon his sister Marian—a very sweet and intelligent girl, who, in

a few hurried words, made us acquainted.

Mrs. Wyatt had been closely veiled; and when she raised her veil,

in acknowledging my bow, I confess that I was very profoundly

astonished. I should have been much more so, however, had not

long experience advised me not to trust, with too implicit a

reliance, the enthusiastic descriptions of my friend, the artist,

when indulging in comments upon the loveliness of woman. When

beauty was the theme, I well knew with what facility he soared

into the regions of the purely ideal.

The truth is, I could not help regarding Mrs. Wyatt as a

decidedly plain-looking woman. If not positively ugly, she was

not, I think, very far from it. She was dressed, however, in

exquisite taste—and then I had no doubt that she had captivated

my friend’s heart by the more enduring graces of the intellect

and soul. She said very few words, and passed at once into her

state-room with Mr. W.

My old inquisitiveness now returned. There was no servant—that

was a settled point. I looked, therefore, for the extra baggage.

After some delay, a cart arrived at the wharf, with an oblong

pine box, which was every thing that seemed to be expected.

Immediately upon its arrival we made sail, and in a short time

were safely over the bar and standing out to sea.

The box in question was, as I say, oblong. It was about six feet

in length by two and a half in breadth; I observed it

attentively, and like to be precise. Now this shape was peculiar;

and no sooner had I seen it, than I took credit to myself for the

accuracy of my guessing. I had reached the conclusion, it will be

remembered, that the extra baggage of my friend, the artist,

would prove to be pictures, or at least a picture; for I knew he

had been for several weeks in conference with Nicolino:—and now

here was a box, which, from its shape, could possibly contain

nothing in the world but a copy of Leonardo’s “Last Supper;” and

a copy of this very “Last Supper,” done by Rubini the younger, at

Florence, I had known, for some time, to be in the possession of

Nicolino. This point, therefore, I considered as sufficiently

settled. I chuckled excessively when I thought of my acumen. It

was the first time I had ever known Wyatt to keep from me any of

his artistical secrets; but here he evidently intended to steal a

march upon me, and smuggle a fine picture to New York, under my

very nose; expecting me to know nothing of the matter. I resolved

to quiz him well, now and hereafter.

One thing, however, annoyed me not a little. The box did not go

into the extra state-room. It was deposited in Wyatt’s own; and

there, too, it remained, occupying very nearly the whole of the

floor—no doubt to the exceeding discomfort of the artist and his

wife;—this the more especially as the tar or paint with which it

was lettered in sprawling capitals, emitted a strong,

disagreeable, and, to my fancy, a peculiarly disgusting odor. On

the lid were painted the words—“Mrs. Adelaide Curtis, Albany, New

York. Charge of Cornelius Wyatt, Esq. This side up. To be handled

with care.”

Now, I was aware that Mrs. Adelaide Curtis, of Albany, was the

artist’s wife’s mother,—but then I looked upon the whole address

as a mystification, intended especially for myself. I made up my

mind, of course, that the box and contents would never get

farther north than the studio of my misanthropic friend, in

Chambers Street, New York.

For the first three or four days we had fine weather, although

the wind was dead ahead; having chopped round to the northward,

immediately upon our losing sight of the coast. The passengers

were, consequently, in high spirits and disposed to be social. I

must except, however, Wyatt and his sisters, who behaved stiffly,

and, I could not help thinking, uncourteously to the rest of the

party. Wyatt’s conduct I did not so much regard. He was gloomy,

even beyond his usual habit—in fact he was morose—but in him I

was prepared for eccentricity. For the sisters, however, I could

make no excuse. They secluded themselves in their staterooms

during the greater part of the passage, and absolutely refused,

although I repeatedly urged them, to hold communication with any

person on board.

Mrs. Wyatt herself was far more agreeable. That is to say, she

was chatty; and to be chatty is no slight recommendation at sea.

She became excessively intimate with most of the ladies; and, to

my profound astonishment, evinced no equivocal disposition to

coquet with the men. She amused us all very much. I say

“amused”—and scarcely know how to explain myself. The truth is, I

soon found that Mrs. W. was far oftener laughed at than with. The

gentlemen said little about her; but the ladies, in a little

while, pronounced her “a good-hearted thing, rather indifferent

looking, totally uneducated, and decidedly vulgar.” The great

wonder was, how Wyatt had been entrapped into such a match.

Wealth was the general solution—but this I knew to be no solution

at all; for Wyatt had told me that she neither brought him a

dollar nor had any expectations from any source whatever. “He had

married,” he said, “for love, and for love only; and his bride

was far more than worthy of his love.” When I thought of these

expressions, on the part of my friend, I confess that I felt

indescribably puzzled. Could it be possible that he was taking

leave of his senses? What else could I think? He, so refined, so

intellectual, so fastidious, with so exquisite a perception of

the faulty, and so keen an appreciation of the beautiful! To be

sure, the lady seemed especially fond of him—particularly so in

his absence—when she made herself ridiculous by frequent

quotations of what had been said by her “beloved husband, Mr.

Wyatt.” The word “husband” seemed forever—to use one of her own

delicate expressions—forever “on the tip of her tongue.” In the

meantime, it was observed by all on board, that he avoided her in

the most pointed manner, and, for the most part, shut himself up

alone in his state-room, where, in fact, he might have been said

to live altogether, leaving his wife at full liberty to amuse

herself as she thought best, in the public society of the main

cabin.

My conclusion, from what I saw and heard, was, that, the artist,

by some unaccountable freak of fate, or perhaps in some fit of

enthusiastic and fanciful passion, had been induced to unite

himself with a person altogether beneath him, and that the

natural result, entire and speedy disgust, had ensued. I pitied

him from the bottom of my heart—but could not, for that reason,

quite forgive his incommunicativeness in the matter of the “Last

Supper.” For this I resolved to have my revenge.

One day he came upon deck, and, taking his arm as had been my

wont, I sauntered with him backward and forward. His gloom,

however (which I considered quite natural under the

circumstances), seemed entirely unabated. He said little, and

that moodily, and with evident effort. I ventured a jest or two,

and he made a sickening attempt at a smile. Poor fellow!—as I

thought of his wife, I wondered that he could have heart to put

on even the semblance of mirth. I determined to commence a series

of covert insinuations, or innuendoes, about the oblong box—just

to let him perceive, gradually, that I was not altogether the

butt, or victim, of his little bit of pleasant mystification. My

first observation was by way of opening a masked battery. I said

something about the “peculiar shape of _that_ box”; and, as I

spoke the words, I smiled knowingly, winked, and touched him

gently with my forefinger in the ribs.

The manner in which Wyatt received this harmless pleasantry

convinced me, at once, that he was mad. At first he stared at me

as if he found it impossible to comprehend the witticism of my

remark; but as its point seemed slowly to make its way into his

brain, his eyes, in the same proportion, seemed protruding from

their sockets. Then he grew very red—then hideously pale—then, as

if highly amused with what I had insinuated, he began a loud and

boisterous laugh, which, to my astonishment, he kept up, with

gradually increasing vigor, for ten minutes or more. In

conclusion, he fell flat and heavily upon the deck. When I ran to

uplift him, to all appearance he was dead.

I called assistance, and, with much difficulty, we brought him to

himself. Upon reviving he spoke incoherently for some time. At

length we bled him and put him to bed. The next morning he was

quite recovered, so far as regarded his mere bodily health. Of

his mind I say nothing, of course. I avoided him during the rest

of the passage, by advice of the captain, who seemed to coincide

with me altogether in my views of his insanity, but cautioned me

to say nothing on this head to any person on board.

Several circumstances occurred immediately after this fit of

Wyatt which contributed to heighten the curiosity with which I

was already possessed. Among other things, this: I had been

nervous—drank too much strong green tea, and slept ill at

night—in fact, for two nights I could not be properly said to

sleep at all. Now, my state-room opened into the main cabin, or

dining-room, as did those of all the single men on board. Wyatt’s

three rooms were in the after-cabin, which was separated from the

main one by a slight sliding door, never locked even at night. As

we were almost constantly on a wind, and the breeze was not a

little stiff, the ship heeled to leeward very considerably; and

whenever her starboard side was to leeward, the sliding door

between the cabins slid open, and so remained, nobody taking the

trouble to get up and shut it. But my berth was in such a

position, that when my own state-room door was open, as well as

the sliding door in question (and my own door was always open on

account of the heat,) I could see into the after-cabin quite

distinctly, and just at that portion of it, too, where were

situated the state-rooms of Mr. Wyatt. Well, during two nights

(not consecutive) while I lay awake, I clearly saw Mrs. W., about

eleven o’clock upon each night, steal cautiously from the

state-room of Mr. W., and enter the extra room, where she

remained until daybreak, when she was called by her husband and

went back. That they were virtually separated was clear. They had

separate apartments—no doubt in contemplation of a more permanent

divorce; and here, after all I thought was the mystery of the

extra state-room.

There was another circumstance, too, which interested me much.

During the two wakeful nights in question, and immediately after

the disappearance of Mrs. Wyatt into the extra state-room, I was

attracted by certain singular cautious, subdued noises in that of

her husband. After listening to them for some time, with

thoughtful attention, I at length succeeded perfectly in

translating their import. They were sounds occasioned by the

artist in prying open the oblong box, by means of a chisel and

mallet—the latter being apparently muffled, or deadened, by some

soft woollen or cotton substance in which its head was enveloped.

In this manner I fancied I could distinguish the precise moment

when he fairly disengaged the lid—also, that I could determine

when he removed it altogether, and when he deposited it upon the

lower berth in his room; this latter point I knew, for example,

by certain slight taps which the lid made in striking against the

wooden edges of the berth, as he endeavored to lay it down very

gently—there being no room for it on the floor. After this there

was a dead stillness, and I heard nothing more, upon either

occasion, until nearly daybreak; unless, perhaps, I may mention a

low sobbing, or murmuring sound, so very much suppressed as to be

nearly inaudible—if, indeed, the whole of this latter noise were

not rather produced by my own imagination. I say it seemed to

resemble sobbing or sighing—but, of course, it could not have

been either. I rather think it was a ringing in my own ears. Mr.

Wyatt, no doubt, according to custom, was merely giving the rein

to one of his hobbies—indulging in one of his fits of artistic

enthusiasm. He had opened his oblong box, in order to feast his

eyes on the pictorial treasure within. There was nothing in this,

however, to make him sob. I repeat, therefore, that it must have

been simply a freak of my own fancy, distempered by good Captain

Hardy’s green tea. Just before dawn, on each of the two nights of

which I speak, I distinctly heard Mr. Wyatt replace the lid upon

the oblong box, and force the nails into their old places by

means of the muffled mallet. Having done this, he issued from his

state-room, fully dressed, and proceeded to call Mrs. W. from

hers.

We had been at sea seven days, and were now off Cape Hatteras,

when there came a tremendously heavy blow from the southwest. We

were, in a measure, prepared for it, however, as the weather had

been holding out threats for some time. Every thing was made

snug, alow and aloft; and as the wind steadily freshened, we lay

to, at length, under spanker and foretopsail, both double-reefed.

In this trim we rode safely enough for forty-eight hours—the ship

proving herself an excellent sea-boat in many respects, and

shipping no water of any consequence. At the end of this period,

however, the gale had freshened into a hurricane, and our

after-sail split into ribbons, bringing us so much in the trough

of the water that we shipped several prodigious seas, one

immediately after the other. By this accident we lost three men

overboard with the caboose, and nearly the whole of the larboard

bulwarks. Scarcely had we recovered our senses, before the

foretopsail went into shreds, when we got up a storm stay-sail

and with this did pretty well for some hours, the ship heading

the sea much more steadily than before.

The gale still held on, however, and we saw no signs of its

abating. The rigging was found to be ill-fitted, and greatly

strained; and on the third day of the blow, about five in the

afternoon, our mizzen-mast, in a heavy lurch to windward, went by

the board. For an hour or more, we tried in vain to get rid of

it, on account of the prodigious rolling of the ship; and, before

we had succeeded, the carpenter came aft and announced four feet

of water in the hold. To add to our dilemma, we found the pumps

choked and nearly useless.

All was now confusion and despair—but an effort was made to

lighten the ship by throwing overboard as much of her cargo as

could be reached, and by cutting away the two masts that

remained. This we at last accomplished—but we were still unable

to do any thing at the pumps; and, in the meantime, the leak

gained on us very fast.

At sundown, the gale had sensibly diminished in violence, and as

the sea went down with it, we still entertained faint hopes of

saving ourselves in the boats. At eight P. M., the clouds broke

away to windward, and we had the advantage of a full moon—a piece

of good fortune which served wonderfully to cheer our drooping

spirits.

After incredible labor we succeeded, at length, in getting the

longboat over the side without material accident, and into this

we crowded the whole of the crew and most of the passengers. This

party made off immediately, and, after undergoing much suffering,

finally arrived, in safety, at Ocracoke Inlet, on the third day

after the wreck.

Fourteen passengers, with the captain, remained on board,

resolving to trust their fortunes to the jolly-boat at the stern.

We lowered it without difficulty, although it was only by a

miracle that we prevented it from swamping as it touched the

water. It contained, when afloat, the captain and his wife, Mr.

Wyatt and party, a Mexican officer, wife, four children, and

myself, with a negro valet.

We had no room, of course, for any thing except a few positively

necessary instruments, some provisions, and the clothes upon our

backs. No one had thought of even attempting to save any thing

more. What must have been the astonishment of all, then, when

having proceeded a few fathoms from the ship, Mr. Wyatt stood up

in the stern-sheets, and coolly demanded of Captain Hardy that

the boat should be put back for the purpose of taking in his

oblong box!

“Sit down, Mr. Wyatt,” replied the captain, somewhat sternly,

“you will capsize us if you do not sit quite still. Our gunwhale

is almost in the water now.”

“The box!” vociferated Mr. Wyatt, still standing—“the box, I say!

Captain Hardy, you cannot, you will not refuse me. Its weight

will be but a trifle—it is nothing—mere nothing. By the mother

who bore you—for the love of Heaven—by your hope of salvation, I

implore you to put back for the box!”

The captain, for a moment, seemed touched by the earnest appeal

of the artist, but he regained his stern composure, and merely

said:

“Mr. Wyatt, you are mad. I cannot listen to you. Sit down, I say,

or you will swamp the boat. Stay—hold him—seize him!—he is about

to spring overboard! There—I knew it—he is over!”

As the captain said this, Mr. Wyatt, in fact, sprang from the

boat, and, as we were yet in the lee of the wreck, succeeded, by

almost superhuman exertion, in getting hold of a rope which hung

from the fore-chains. In another moment he was on board, and

rushing frantically down into the cabin.

In the meantime, we had been swept astern of the ship, and being

quite out of her lee, were at the mercy of the tremendous sea

which was still running. We made a determined effort to put back,

but our little boat was like a feather in the breath of the

tempest. We saw at a glance that the doom of the unfortunate

artist was sealed.

As our distance from the wreck rapidly increased, the madman (for

as such only could we regard him) was seen to emerge from the

companion—way, up which by dint of strength that appeared

gigantic, he dragged, bodily, the oblong box. While we gazed in

the extremity of astonishment, he passed, rapidly, several turns

of a three-inch rope, first around the box and then around his

body. In another instant both body and box were in the

sea—disappearing suddenly, at once and forever.

We lingered awhile sadly upon our oars, with our eyes riveted

upon the spot. At length we pulled away. The silence remained

unbroken for an hour. Finally, I hazarded a remark.

“Did you observe, captain, how suddenly they sank? Was not that

an exceedingly singular thing? I confess that I entertained some

feeble hope of his final deliverance, when I saw him lash himself

to the box, and commit himself to the sea.”

“They sank as a matter of course,” replied the captain, “and that

like a shot. They will soon rise again, however—but not till the

salt melts.”

“The salt!” I ejaculated.

“Hush!” said the captain, pointing to the wife and sisters of the

deceased. “We must talk of these things at some more appropriate

time.”

We suffered much, and made a narrow escape; but fortune

befriended us, as well as our mates in the long-boat. We landed,

in fine, more dead than alive, after four days of intense

distress, upon the beach opposite Roanoke Island. We remained

here a week, were not ill-treated by the wreckers, and at length

obtained a passage to New York.

About a month after the loss of the “Independence,” I happened to

meet Captain Hardy in Broadway. Our conversation turned,

naturally, upon the disaster, and especially upon the sad fate of

poor Wyatt. I thus learned the following particulars.

The artist had engaged passage for himself, wife, two sisters and

a servant. His wife was, indeed, as she had been represented, a

most lovely, and most accomplished woman. On the morning of the

fourteenth of June (the day in which I first visited the ship),

the lady suddenly sickened and died. The young husband was

frantic with grief—but circumstances imperatively forbade the

deferring his voyage to New York. It was necessary to take to her

mother the corpse of his adored wife, and, on the other hand, the

universal prejudice which would prevent his doing so openly was

well known. Nine-tenths of the passengers would have abandoned

the ship rather than take passage with a dead body.

In this dilemma, Captain Hardy arranged that the corpse, being

first partially embalmed, and packed, with a large quantity of

salt, in a box of suitable dimensions, should be conveyed on

board as merchandise. Nothing was to be said of the lady’s

decease; and, as it was well understood that Mr. Wyatt had

engaged passage for his wife, it became necessary that some

person should personate her during the voyage. This the deceased

lady’s-maid was easily prevailed on to do. The extra state-room,

originally engaged for this girl during her mistress’ life, was

now merely retained. In this state-room the pseudo-wife, slept,

of course, every night. In the daytime she performed, to the best

of her ability, the part of her mistress—whose person, it had

been carefully ascertained, was unknown to any of the passengers

on board.

My own mistake arose, naturally enough, through too careless, too

inquisitive, and too impulsive a temperament. But of late, it is

a rare thing that I sleep soundly at night. There is a

countenance which haunts me, turn as I will. There is an

hysterical laugh which will forever ring within my ears.

LOSS OF BREATH

O breathe not, etc.

—Moore’s _Melodies_

The most notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the

untiring courage of philosophy—as the most stubborn city to the

ceaseless vigilance of an enemy. Shalmanezer, as we have it in

holy writings, lay three years before Samaria; yet it fell.

Sardanapalus—see Diodorus—maintained himself seven in Nineveh;

but to no purpose. Troy expired at the close of the second

lustrum; and Azoth, as Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a

gentleman, opened at last her gates to Psammetichus, after having

barred them for the fifth part of a century....

“Thou wretch!—thou vixen!—thou shrew!” said I to my wife on the

morning after our wedding; “thou witch!—thou hag!—thou

whippersnapper—thou sink of iniquity!—thou fiery-faced

quintessence of all that is abominable!—thou—thou—” here standing

upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth

close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more

decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if

ejaculated, to convince her of her insignificance, when to my

extreme horror and astonishment I discovered that I had lost my

breath.

The phrases “I am out of breath,” “I have lost my breath,” etc.,

are often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had

never occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I speak

could _bona fide_ and actually happen! Imagine—that is if you

have a fanciful turn—imagine, I say, my wonder—my

consternation—my despair!

There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely

deserted me. In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense

of propriety, _et le chemin des passions me conduit_—as Lord

Edouard in the “Julie” says it did him—_à la philosophie

véritable_.

Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree

the occurrence had affected me, I determined at all events to

conceal the matter from my wife, until further experience should

discover to me the extent of this my unheard of calamity.

Altering my countenance, therefore, in a moment, from its

bepuffed and distorted appearance, to an expression of arch and

coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat on the one cheek, and

a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable (Furies! I

could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as I pirouetted

out of the room in a _pas de zephyr_.

Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful

instance of the ill consequences attending upon

irascibility—alive, with the qualifications of the dead—dead,

with the propensities of the living—an anomaly on the face of the

earth—being very calm, yet breathless.

Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was

entirely gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my

life had been at issue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror.

Hard fate!—yet there was some alleviation to the first

overwhelming paroxysm of my sorrow. I found, upon trial, that the

powers of utterance which, upon my inability to proceed in the

conversation with my wife, I then concluded to be totally

destroyed, were in fact only partially impeded, and I discovered

that had I, at that interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a

singularly deep guttural, I might still have continued to her the

communication of my sentiments; this pitch of voice (the

guttural) depending, I find, not upon the current of the breath,

but upon a certain spasmodic action of the muscles of the throat.

Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed

in meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory

kind. A thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possession

of my soul—and even the idea of suicide flitted across my brain;

but it is a trait in the perversity of human nature to reject the

obvious and the ready, for the far-distant and equivocal. Thus I

shuddered at self-murder as the most decided of atrocities while

the tabby cat purred strenuously upon the rug, and the very

water-dog wheezed assiduously under the table, each taking to

itself much merit for the strength of its lungs, and all

obviously done in derision of my own pulmonary incapacity.

Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length

heard the footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being

now assured of her absence, I returned with a palpitating heart

to the scene of my disaster.

Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous

search. It was possible, I thought, that, concealed in some

obscure corner, or lurking in some closet or drawer, might be

found the lost object of my inquiry. It might have a vapory—it

might even have a tangible form. Most philosophers, upon many

points of philosophy, are still very unphilosophical. William

Godwin, however, says in his “Mandeville,” that “invisible things

are the only realities,” and this, all will allow, is a case in

point. I would have the judicious reader pause before accusing

such asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxagoras,

it will be remembered, maintained that snow is black, and this I

have since found to be the case.

Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but the

contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be

only a set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle

of billets-doux from Mr. Windenough to my wife. I might as well

here observe that this confirmation of my lady’s partiality for

Mr. W. occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath

should admire anything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and

necessary evil. I am, it is well known, of a robust and corpulent

appearance, and at the same time somewhat diminutive in stature.

What wonder, then, that the lath-like tenuity of my acquaintance,

and his altitude, which has grown into a proverb, should have met

with all due estimation in the eyes of Mrs. Lackobreath. But to

return.

My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet

after closet—drawer after drawer—corner after corner—were

scrutinized to no purpose. At one time, however, I thought myself

sure of my prize, having, in rummaging a dressing-case,

accidentally demolished a bottle of Grandjean’s Oil of

Archangels—which, as an agreeable perfume, I here take the

liberty of recommending.

With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir—there to ponder upon

some method of eluding my wife’s penetration, until I could make

arrangements prior to my leaving the country, for to this I had

already made up my mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I

might, with some probability of success, endeavor to conceal my

unhappy calamity—a calamity calculated, even more than beggary,

to estrange the affections of the multitude, and to draw down

upon the wretch the well-merited indignation of the virtuous and

the happy. I was not long in hesitation. Being naturally quick, I

committed to memory the entire tragedy of “Metamora.” I had the

good fortune to recollect that in the accentuation of this drama,

or at least of such portion of it as is allotted to the hero, the

tones of voice in which I found myself deficient were altogether

unnecessary, and the deep guttural was expected to reign

monotonously throughout.

I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented

marsh;—herein, however, having no reference to a similar

proceeding of Demosthenes, but from a design peculiarly and

conscientiously my own. Thus armed at all points, I determined to

make my wife believe that I was suddenly smitten with a passion

for the stage. In this, I succeeded to a miracle; and to every

question or suggestion found myself at liberty to reply in my

most frog-like and sepulchral tones with some passage from the

tragedy—any portion of which, as I soon took great pleasure in

observing, would apply equally well to any particular subject. It

is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery of such

passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint—the

showing my teeth—the working my knees—the shuffling my feet—or in

any of those unmentionable graces which are now justly considered

the characteristics of a popular performer. To be sure they spoke

of confining me in a strait-jacket—but, good God! they never

suspected me of having lost my breath.

Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very

early one morning in the mail stage for ——, giving it to be

understood, among my acquaintances, that business of the last

importance required my immediate personal attendance in that

city.

The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight

the features of my companions could not be distinguished. Without

making any effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed

between two gentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a

size larger, requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to

take, threw himself upon my body at full length, and falling

asleep in an instant, drowned all my guttural ejaculations for

relief, in a snore which would have put to blush the roarings of

the bull of Phalaris. Happily the state of my respiratory

faculties rendered suffocation an accident entirely out of the

question.

As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the

outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his

shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my

civility. Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were

dislocated and my head twisted on one side), his apprehensions

began to be excited; and arousing the rest of the passengers, he

communicated, in a very decided manner, his opinion that a dead

man had been palmed upon them during the night for a living and

responsible fellow-traveller; here giving me a thump on the right

eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of his suggestion.

Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company),

believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising

physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and

found me without breath, the assertion of my persecutor was

pronounced a true bill; and the whole party expressed a

determination to endure tamely no such impositions for the

future, and to proceed no farther with any such carcasses for the

present.

I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the “Crow” (by

which tavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting

with any farther accident than the breaking of both my arms,

under the left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the

driver the justice to state that he did not forget to throw after

me the largest of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling on my

head, fractured my skull in a manner at once interesting and

extraordinary.

The landlord of the “Crow,” who is a hospitable man, finding that

my trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little

trouble he might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon

of his acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and

receipt for ten dollars.

The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations

immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs

of animation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring

apothecary with whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his

suspicions with regard to my existence proving ultimately

correct, he, in the meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and

removed several of my viscera for private dissection.

The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I

endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might,

and making the most furious contortions—for the operations of the

surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my

faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects of a new

galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man

of information, performed several curious experiments, in which,

from my personal share in their fulfillment, I could not help

feeling deeply interested. It was a course of mortification to

me, nevertheless, that although I made several attempts at

conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in abeyance,

that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, make reply

to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under other

circumstances, my minute acquaintance with the Hippocratian

pathology would have afforded me a ready confutation.

Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners

remanded me for farther examination. I was taken up into a

garret; and the surgeon’s lady having accommodated me with

drawers and stockings, the surgeon himself fastened my hands, and

tied up my jaws with a pocket-handkerchief—then bolted the door

on the outside as he hurried to his dinner, leaving me alone to

silence and to meditation.

I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken

had not my mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief.

Consoling myself with this reflection, I was mentally repeating

some passages of the “Omnipresence of the Deity,” as is my custom

before resigning myself to sleep, when two cats, of a greedy and

vituperative turn, entering at a hole in the wall, leaped up with

a flourish a la Catalani, and alighting opposite one another on

my visage, betook themselves to indecorous contention for the

paltry consideration of my nose.

But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the

throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the

cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the

loss of a few ounces of my countenance proved the salvation of my

body. Aroused by the pain, and burning with indignation, I burst,

at a single effort, the fastenings and the bandage. Stalking

across the room I cast a glance of contempt at the belligerents,

and throwing open the sash to their extreme horror and

disappointment, precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the

window.

The mail-robber W——, to whom I bore a singular resemblance, was

at this moment passing from the city jail to the scaffold erected

for his execution in the suburbs. His extreme infirmity and long

continued ill health had obtained him the privilege of remaining

unmanacled; and habited in his gallows costume—one very similar

to my own,—he lay at full length in the bottom of the hangman’s

cart (which happened to be under the windows of the surgeon at

the moment of my precipitation) without any other guard than the

driver, who was asleep, and two recruits of the sixth infantry,

who were drunk.

As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the

vehicle. W——, who was an acute fellow, perceived his opportunity.

Leaping up immediately, he bolted out behind, and turning down an

alley, was out of sight in the twinkling of an eye. The recruits,

aroused by the bustle, could not exactly comprehend the merits of

the transaction. Seeing, however, a man, the precise counterpart

of the felon, standing upright in the cart before their eyes,

they were of the opinion that the rascal (meaning W——) was after

making his escape, (so they expressed themselves), and, having

communicated this opinion to one another, they took each a dram,

and then knocked me down with the butt-ends of their muskets.

It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of

course nothing could be said in my defence. Hanging was my

inevitable fate. I resigned myself thereto with a feeling half

stupid, half acrimonious. Being little of a cynic, I had all the

sentiments of a dog. The hangman, however, adjusted the noose

about my neck. The drop fell.

I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows; although

here, undoubtedly, I could speak to the point, and it is a topic

upon which nothing has been well said. In fact, to write upon

such a theme it is necessary to have been hanged. Every author

should confine himself to matters of experience. Thus Mark Antony

composed a treatise upon getting drunk.

I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body was, but

I had no breath to be, suspended; and but for the knot under my

left ear (which had the feel of a military stock) I dare say that

I should have experienced very little inconvenience. As for the

jerk given to my neck upon the falling of the drop, it merely

proved a corrective to the twist afforded me by the fat gentleman

in the coach.

For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd the

worth of their trouble. My convulsions were said to be

extraordinary. My spasms it would have been difficult to beat.

The populace encored. Several gentlemen swooned; and a multitude

of ladies were carried home in hysterics. Pinxit availed himself

of the opportunity to retouch, from a sketch taken upon the spot,

his admirable painting of the “Marsyas flayed alive.”

When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought proper

to remove my body from the gallows;—this the more especially as

the real culprit had in the meantime been retaken and recognized,

a fact which I was so unlucky as not to know.

Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my behalf, and as no

one made claim to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be

interred in a public vault.

Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The sexton departed,

and I was left alone. A line of Marston’s “Malcontent”—

Death’s a good fellow and keeps open house—

struck me at that moment as a palpable lie.

I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out.

The place was dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled

with ennui. By way of amusement, I felt my way among the numerous

coffins ranged in order around. I lifted them down, one by one,

and breaking open their lids, busied myself in speculations about

the mortality within.

“This,” I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloated,

and rotund—“this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word,

an unhappy—an unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot not

to walk but to waddle—to pass through life not like a human

being, but like an elephant—not like a man, but like a

rhinoceros.

“His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and his

circumgyratory proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step

forward, it has been his misfortune to take two toward the right,

and three toward the left. His studies have been confined to the

poetry of Crabbe. He can have no idea of the wonder of a

pirouette. To him a pas de papillon has been an abstract

conception. He has never ascended the summit of a hill. He has

never viewed from any steeple the glories of a metropolis. Heat

has been his mortal enemy. In the dog-days his days have been the

days of a dog. Therein, he has dreamed of flames and

suffocation—of mountains upon mountains—of Pelion upon Ossa. He

was short of breath—to say all in a word, he was short of breath.

He thought it extravagant to play upon wind instruments. He was

the inventor of self-moving fans, wind-sails, and ventilators. He

patronized Du Pont the bellows-maker, and he died miserably in

attempting to smoke a cigar. His was a case in which I feel a

deep interest—a lot in which I sincerely sympathize.

“But here,”—said I—“here”—and I dragged spitefully from its

receptacle a gaunt, tall and peculiar-looking form, whose

remarkable appearance struck me with a sense of unwelcome

familiarity—“here is a wretch entitled to no earthly

commiseration.” Thus saying, in order to obtain a more distinct

view of my subject, I applied my thumb and forefinger to its

nose, and causing it to assume a sitting position upon the

ground, held it thus, at the length of my arm, while I continued

my soliloquy.

“Entitled,” I repeated, “to no earthly commiseration. Who indeed

would think of compassioning a shadow? Besides, has he not had

his full share of the blessings of mortality? He was the

originator of tall monuments—shot-towers—lightning-rods—Lombardy

poplars. His treatise upon “Shades and Shadows” has immortalized

him. He edited with distinguished ability the last edition of

“South on the Bones.” He went early to college and studied

pneumatics. He then came home, talked eternally, and played upon

the French-horn. He patronized the bagpipes. Captain Barclay, who

walked against Time, would not walk against him. Windham and

Allbreath were his favorite writers,—his favorite artist, Phiz.

He died gloriously while inhaling gas—levique flatu corrupitur,

like the fama pudicitae in Hieronymus. {*1} He was indubitably

a—”

“How can you?—how—can—you?”—interrupted the object of my

animadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a desperate

exertion, the bandage around its jaws—“how can you, Mr. Lackobreath, be

so infernally cruel as to pinch me in that manner by the nose? Did you

not see how they had fastened up my mouth—and you must know—if you know

any thing—how vast a superfluity of breath I have to dispose of! If you

do not know, however, sit down and you shall see. In my situation it is

really a great relief to be able to open ones mouth—to be able to

expatiate—to be able to communicate with a person like yourself, who do

not think yourself called upon at every period to interrupt the thread

of a gentleman’s discourse. Interruptions are annoying and should

undoubtedly be abolished—don’t you think so?—no reply, I beg you,—one

person is enough to be speaking at a time.—I shall be done by and by,

and then you may begin.—How the devil sir, did you get into this

place?—not a word I beseech you—been here some time myself—terrible

accident!—heard of it, I suppose?—awful calamity!—walking under your

windows—some short while ago—about the time you were

stage-struck—horrible occurrence!—heard of “catching one’s breath,”

eh?—hold your tongue I tell you!—I caught somebody else’s!—had always

too much of my own—met Blab at the corner of the street—wouldn’t give

me a chance for a word—couldn’t get in a syllable edgeways—attacked,

consequently, with epilepsis—Blab made his escape—damn all fools!—they

took me up for dead, and put me in this place—pretty doings all of

them!—heard all you said about me—every word a

lie—horrible!—wonderful!—outrageous!—hideous!—incomprehensible!—et

cetera—et cetera—et cetera—et cetera—”

It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected a

discourse, or the joy with which I became gradually convinced

that the breath so fortunately caught by the gentleman (whom I

soon recognized as my neighbor Windenough) was, in fact, the

identical expiration mislaid by myself in the conversation with

my wife. Time, place, and circumstances rendered it a matter

beyond question. I did not, however, immediately release my hold

upon Mr. W.’s proboscis—not at least during the long period in

which the inventor of Lombardy poplars continued to favor me with

his explanations.

In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which

has ever been my predominating trait. I reflected that many

difficulties might still lie in the path of my preservation which

only extreme exertion on my part would be able to surmount. Many

persons, I considered, are prone to estimate commodities in their

possession—however valueless to the then proprietor—however

troublesome, or distressing—in direct ratio with the advantages

to be derived by others from their attainment, or by themselves

from their abandonment. Might not this be the case with Mr.

Windenough? In displaying anxiety for the breath of which he was

at present so willing to get rid, might I not lay myself open to

the exactions of his avarice? There are scoundrels in this world,

I remembered with a sigh, who will not scruple to take unfair

opportunities with even a next door neighbor, and (this remark is

from Epictetus) it is precisely at that time when men are most

anxious to throw off the burden of their own calamities that they

feel the least desirous of relieving them in others.

Upon considerations similar to these, and still retaining my

grasp upon the nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to

model my reply.

“Monster!” I began in a tone of the deepest indignation—“monster

and double-winded idiot!—dost thou, whom for thine iniquities it

has pleased heaven to accurse with a two-fold respimtion—dost

thou, I say, presume to address me in the familiar language of an

old acquaintance?—‘I lie,’ forsooth! and ‘hold my tongue,’ to be

sure!—pretty conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a single

breath!—all this, too, when I have it in my power to relieve the

calamity under which thou dost so justly suffer—to curtail the

superfluities of thine unhappy respiration.”

Like Brutus, I paused for a reply—with which, like a tornado, Mr.

Windenough immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation followed upon

protestation, and apology upon apology. There were no terms with

which he was unwilling to comply, and there were none of which I

failed to take the fullest advantage.

Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance delivered

me the respiration; for which (having carefully examined it) I

gave him afterward a receipt.

I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking in

a manner so cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will be

thought that I should have entered more minutely, into the

details of an occurrence by which—and this is very true—much new

light might be thrown upon a highly interesting branch of

physical philosophy.

To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only

answer which I am permitted to make. There were circumstances—but

I think it much safer upon consideration to say as little as

possible about an affair so delicate—so delicate, I repeat, and

at the time involving the interests of a third party whose

sulphurous resentment I have not the least desire, at this

moment, of incurring.

We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting an

escape from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united strength of

our resuscitated voices was soon sufficiently apparent. Scissors,

the Whig editor, republished a treatise upon “the nature and

origin of subterranean noises.” A reply—rejoinder—confutation—and

justification—followed in the columns of a Democratic gazette. It

was not until the opening of the vault to decide the controversy,

that the appearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both

parties to have been decidedly in the wrong.

I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages in

a life at all times sufficiently eventful, without again

recalling to the attention of the reader the merits of that

indiscriminate philosophy which is a sure and ready shield

against those shafts of calamity which can neither be seen, felt

nor fully understood. It was in the spirit of this wisdom that,

among the ancient Hebrews, it was believed the gates of Heaven

would be inevitably opened to that sinner, or saint, who, with

good lungs and implicit confidence, should vociferate the word

“Amen!” It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, when a great

plague raged at Athens, and every means had been in vain

attempted for its removal, Epimenides, as Laërtius relates, in

his second book, of that philosopher, advised the erection of a

shrine and temple “to the proper God.”

LYTTLETON BARRY.

THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP

A TALE OF THE LATE BUGABOO AND KICKAPOO CAMPAIGN.

_Pleurez, pleurez, mes yeux, et fondez vous en eau!_

_La moitié de ma vie a mis l’ autre au tombeau._

—CORNEILLE.

I cannot just now remember when or where I first made the

acquaintance of that truly fine-looking fellow, Brevet Brigadier

General John A. B. C. Smith. Some one _did_ introduce me to the

gentleman, I am sure—at some public meeting, I know very

well—held about something of great importance, no doubt—at some

place or other, I feel convinced,—whose name I have unaccountably

forgotten. The truth is—that the introduction was attended, upon

my part, with a degree of anxious embarrassment which operated to

prevent any definite impressions of either time or place. I am

constitutionally nervous—this, with me, is a family failing, and

I can’t help it. In especial, the slightest appearance of

mystery—of any point I cannot exactly comprehend—puts me at once

into a pitiable state of agitation.

There was something, as it were, remarkable—yes, _remarkable_,

although this is but a feeble term to express my full

meaning—about the entire individuality of the personage in

question. He was, perhaps, six feet in height, and of a presence

singularly commanding. There was an _air distingué_ pervading the

whole man, which spoke of high breeding, and hinted at high

birth. Upon this topic—the topic of Smith’s personal appearance—I

have a kind of melancholy satisfaction in being minute. His head

of hair would have done honor to a Brutus; nothing could be more

richly flowing, or possess a brighter gloss. It was of a jetty

black;—which was also the color, or more properly the no color of

his unimaginable whiskers. You perceive I cannot speak of these

latter without enthusiasm; it is not too much to say that they

were the handsomest pair of whiskers under the sun. At all

events, they encircled, and at times partially overshadowed, a

mouth utterly unequalled. Here were the most entirely even, and

the most brilliantly white of all conceivable teeth. From between

them, upon every proper occasion, issued a voice of surpassing

clearness, melody, and strength. In the matter of eyes, also, my

acquaintance was pre-eminently endowed. Either one of such a pair

was worth a couple of the ordinary ocular organs. They were of a

deep hazel, exceedingly large and lustrous; and there was

perceptible about them, ever and anon, just that amount of

interesting obliquity which gives pregnancy to expression.

The bust of the General was unquestionably the finest bust I ever

saw. For your life you could not have found a fault with its

wonderful proportion. This rare peculiarity set off to great

advantage a pair of shoulders which would have called up a blush

of conscious inferiority into the countenance of the marble

Apollo. I have a passion for fine shoulders, and may say that I

never beheld them in perfection before. The arms altogether were

admirably modelled. Nor were the lower limbs less superb. These

were, indeed, the _ne plus ultra_ of good legs. Every connoisseur

in such matters admitted the legs to be good. There was neither

too much flesh, nor too little,—neither rudeness nor fragility. I

could not imagine a more graceful curve than that of the _os

femoris_, and there was just that due gentle prominence in the

rear of the _fibula_ which goes to the conformation of a properly

proportioned calf. I wish to God my young and talented friend

Chiponchipino, the sculptor, had but seen the legs of Brevet

Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith.

But although men so absolutely fine-looking are neither as plenty

as reasons or blackberries, still I could not bring myself to

believe that _the remarkable_ something to which I alluded just

now,—that the odd air of _je ne sais quoi_ which hung about my

new acquaintance,—lay altogether, or indeed at all, in the

supreme excellence of his bodily endowments. Perhaps it might be

traced to the _manner_;—yet here again I could not pretend to be

positive. There _was_ a primness, not to say stiffness, in his

carriage—a degree of measured, and, if I may so express it, of

rectangular precision, attending his every movement, which,

observed in a more diminutive figure, would have had the least

little savor in the world, of affectation, pomposity or

constraint, but which noticed in a gentleman of his undoubted

dimensions, was readily placed to the account of reserve,

_hauteur_—of a commendable sense, in short, of what is due to the

dignity of colossal proportion.

The kind friend who presented me to General Smith whispered in my

ear some few words of comment upon the man. He was a _remarkable_

man—a _very_ remarkable man—indeed one of the _most_ remarkable

men of the age. He was an especial favorite, too, with the

ladies—chiefly on account of his high reputation for courage.

“In _that_ point he is unrivalled—indeed he is a perfect

desperado—a down-right fire-eater, and no mistake,” said my

friend, here dropping his voice excessively low, and thrilling me

with the mystery of his tone.

“A downright fire-eater, and _no_ mistake. Showed _that_, I

should say, to some purpose, in the late tremendous swamp-fight

away down South, with the Bugaboo and Kickapoo Indians.” [Here my

friend opened his eyes to some extent.] “Bless my soul!—blood and

thunder, and all that!—_prodigies_ of valor!—heard of him of

course?—you know he’s the man—”

“Man alive, how _do_ you do? why, how _are_ ye? _very_ glad to

see ye, indeed!” here interrupted the General himself, seizing my

companion by the hand as he drew near, and bowing stiffly, but

profoundly, as I was presented. I then thought, (and I think so

still,) that I never heard a clearer nor a stronger voice, nor

beheld a finer set of teeth: but I _must_ say that I was sorry

for the interruption just at that moment, as, owing to the

whispers and insinuations aforesaid, my interest had been greatly

excited in the hero of the Bugaboo and Kickapoo campaign.

However, the delightfully luminous conversation of Brevet

Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith soon completely dissipated

this chagrin. My friend leaving us immediately, we had quite a

long _tête-à-tête_, and I was not only pleased but

_really_—instructed. I never heard a more fluent talker, or a man

of greater general information. With becoming modesty, he

forebore, nevertheless, to touch upon the theme I had just then

most at heart—I mean the mysterious circumstances attending the

Bugaboo war—and, on my own part, what I conceive to be a proper

sense of delicacy forbade me to broach the subject; although, in

truth, I was exceedingly tempted to do so. I perceived, too, that

the gallant soldier preferred topics of philosophical interest,

and that he delighted, especially, in commenting upon the rapid

march of mechanical invention. Indeed, lead him where I would,

this was a point to which he invariably came back.

“There is nothing at all like it,” he would say; “we are a

wonderful people, and live in a wonderful age. Parachutes and

rail-roads—man-traps and spring-guns! Our steam-boats are upon

every sea, and the Nassau balloon packet is about to run regular

trips (fare either way only twenty pounds sterling) between

London and Timbuctoo. And who shall calculate the immense

influence upon social life—upon arts—upon commerce—upon

literature—which will be the immediate result of the great

principles of electro-magnetics! Nor, is this all, let me assure

you! There is really no end to the march of invention. The most

wonderful—the most ingenious—and let me add, Mr.—Mr.—Thompson, I

believe, is your name—let me add, I say, the most _useful_—the

most truly _useful_—mechanical contrivances, are daily springing

up like mushrooms, if I may so express myself, or, more

figuratively, like—ah—grasshoppers—like grasshoppers, Mr.

Thompson—about us and ah—ah—ah—around us!”

Thompson, to be sure, is not my name; but it is needless to say

that I left General Smith with a heightened interest in the man,

with an exalted opinion of his conversational powers, and a deep

sense of the valuable privileges we enjoy in living in this age

of mechanical invention. My curiosity, however, had not been

altogether satisfied, and I resolved to prosecute immediate

inquiry among my acquaintances touching the Brevet Brigadier

General himself, and particularly respecting the tremendous

events _quorum pars magna fuit_, during the Bugaboo and Kickapoo

campaign.

The first opportunity which presented itself, and which

(_horresco referens_) I did not in the least scruple to seize,

occurred at the Church of the Reverend Doctor Drummummupp, where

I found myself established, one Sunday, just at sermon time, not

only in the pew, but by the side, of that worthy and

communicative little friend of mine, Miss Tabitha T. Thus seated,

I congratulated myself, and with much reason, upon the very

flattering state of affairs. If any person knew anything about

Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith, that person, it was

clear to me, was Miss Tabitha T. We telegraphed a few signals,

and then commenced, _sotto voce_, a brisk _tête-à-tête_.

“Smith!” said she, in reply to my very earnest inquiry;

“Smith!—why, not General John A. B. C.? Bless me, I thought you

_knew_ all about _him!_ This is a wonderfully inventive age!

Horrid affair that!—a bloody set of wretches, those

Kickapoos!—fought like a hero—prodigies of valor—immortal renown.

Smith!—Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C.! why, you know he’s

the man—”

“Man,” here broke in Doctor Drummummupp, at the top of his voice,

and with a thump that came near knocking the pulpit about our

ears—“man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live;

he cometh up and is cut down like a flower!” I started to the

extremity of the pew, and perceived by the animated looks of the

divine, that the wrath which had nearly proved fatal to the

pulpit had been excited by the whispers of the lady and myself.

There was no help for it; so I submitted with a good grace, and

listened, in all the martyrdom of dignified silence, to the

balance of that very capital discourse.

Next evening found me a somewhat late visitor at the Rantipole

Theatre, where I felt sure of satisfying my curiosity at once, by

merely stepping into the box of those exquisite specimens of

affability and omniscience, the Misses Arabella and Miranda

Cognoscenti. That fine tragedian, Climax, was doing Iago to a

very crowded house, and I experienced some little difficulty in

making my wishes understood; especially, as our box was next the

slips, and completely overlooked the stage.

“Smith!” said Miss Arabella, as she at length comprehended the

purport of my query; “Smith!—why, not General John A. B. C.?”

“Smith!” inquired Miranda, musingly. “God bless me, did you ever

behold a finer figure?”

“Never, madam, but _do_ tell me—”

“Or so inimitable grace?”

“Never, upon my word!—But pray inform me—”

“Or so just an appreciation of stage effect?”

“Madam!”

“Or a more delicate sense of the true beauties of Shakespeare? Be

so good as to look at that leg!”

“The devil!” and I turned again to her sister.

“Smith!” said she, “why, not General John A. B. C.? Horrid affair

that, wasn’t it?—great wretches, those Bugaboos—savage and so

on—but we live in a wonderfully inventive age!—Smith!—O yes!

great man!—perfect desperado!—immortal renown!—prodigies of

valor! _Never heard!_” [This was given in a scream.] “Bless my

soul! why, he’s the man—”

“——mandragora

Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world

Shall ever medicine thee to that sweet sleep

Which thou owd’st yesterday!”

here roared our Climax just in my ear, and shaking his fist in my

face all the time, in a way that I _couldn’t_ stand, and I

_wouldn’t_. I left the Misses Cognoscenti immediately, went

behind the scenes forthwith, and gave the beggarly scoundrel such

a thrashing as I trust he will remember to the day of his death.

At the _soirée_ of the lovely widow, Mrs. Kathleen O’Trump, I was

confident that I should meet with no similar disappointment.

Accordingly, I was no sooner seated at the card-table, with my

pretty hostess for a _vis-à-vis_, than I propounded those

questions the solution of which had become a matter so essential

to my peace.

“Smith!” said my partner, “why, not General John A. B. C.? Horrid

affair that, wasn’t it?—diamonds, did you say?—terrible wretches

those Kickapoos!—we are playing _whist_, if you please, Mr.

Tattle—however, this is the age of invention, most certainly

_the_ age, one may say—_the_ age _par excellence_—speak

French?—oh, quite a hero—perfect desperado!—_no hearts_, Mr.

Tattle? I don’t believe it.—immortal renown and all

that!—prodigies of valor! _Never heard!!_—why, bless me, he’s the

man—”

“Mann!—_Captain_ Mann?” here screamed some little feminine

interloper from the farthest corner of the room. “Are you talking

about Captain Mann and the duel?—oh, I _must_ hear—do tell—go on,

Mrs. O’Trump!—do now go on!” And go on Mrs. O’Trump did—all about

a certain Captain Mann, who was either shot or hung, or should

have been both shot and hung. Yes! Mrs. O’Trump, she went on, and

I—I went off. There was no chance of hearing anything farther

that evening in regard to Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C.

Smith.

Still I consoled myself with the reflection that the tide of ill

luck would not run against me forever, and so determined to make

a bold push for information at the rout of that bewitching little

angel, the graceful Mrs. Pirouette.

“Smith!” said Mrs. P., as we twirled about together in a _pas de

zephyr_, “Smith!—why, not General John A. B. C.? Dreadful

business that of the Bugaboos, wasn’t it?—dreadful creatures,

those Indians!—_do_ turn out your toes! I really am ashamed of

you—man of great courage, poor fellow!—but this is a wonderful

age for invention—O dear me, I’m out of breath—quite a

desperado—prodigies of valor—_never heard!_—can’t believe it—I

shall have to sit down and enlighten you—Smith! why, he’s the

man—”

“Man-_Fred_, I tell you!” here bawled out Miss Bas-Bleu, as I led

Mrs. Pirouette to a seat. “Did ever anybody hear the like? It’s

Man-_Fred_, I say, and not at all by any means Man-_Friday_.”

Here Miss Bas-Bleu beckoned to me in a very peremptory manner;

and I was obliged, will I nill I, to leave Mrs. P. for the

purpose of deciding a dispute touching the title of a certain

poetical drama of Lord Byron’s. Although I pronounced, with great

promptness, that the true title was Man-_Friday_, and not by any

means Man-_Fred_, yet when I returned to seek Mrs. Pirouette she

was not to be discovered, and I made my retreat from the house in

a very bitter spirit of animosity against the whole race of the

Bas-Bleus.

Matters had now assumed a really serious aspect, and I resolved

to call at once upon my particular friend, Mr. Theodore Sinivate;

for I knew that here at least I should get something like

definite information.

“Smith!” said he, in his well-known peculiar way of drawling out

his syllables; “Smith!—why, not General John A. B. C.? Savage

affair that with the Kickapo-o-o-os, wasn’t it? Say! don’t you

think so?—perfect despera-a-ado—great pity, ‘pon my

honor!—wonderfully inventive age!—pro-o-odigies of valor! By the

by, did you ever hear about Captain Ma-a-a-a-n?”

“Captain Mann be d—d!” said I; “please to go on with your story.”

“Hem!—oh well!—quite _la même cho-o-ose_, as we say in France.

Smith, eh? Brigadier-General John A.—B.—C.? I say”—[here Mr. S.

thought proper to put his finger to the side of his nose]—“I say,

you don’t mean to insinuate now, really and truly, and

conscientiously, that you don’t know all about that affair of

Smith’s, as well as I do, eh? Smith? John A—B—C.? Why, bless me,

he’s the ma-a-an—”

“_Mr_. Sinivate,” said I, imploringly, “_is_ he the man in the

mask?”

“No-o-o!” said he, looking wise, “nor the man in the mo-o-on.”

This reply I considered a pointed and positive insult, and so

left the house at once in high dudgeon, with a firm resolve to

call my friend, Mr. Sinivate, to a speedy account for his

ungentlemanly conduct and ill-breeding.

In the meantime, however, I had no notion of being thwarted

touching the information I desired. There was one resource left

me yet. I would go to the fountain-head. I would call forthwith

upon the General himself, and demand, in explicit terms, a

solution of this abominable piece of mystery. Here, at least,

there should be no chance for equivocation. I would be plain,

positive, peremptory—as short as pie-crust—as concise as Tacitus

or Montesquieu.

It was early when I called, and the General was dressing; but I

pleaded urgent business, and was shown at once into his bed-room

by an old negro valet, who remained in attendance during my

visit. As I entered the chamber, I looked about, of course, for

the occupant, but did not immediately perceive him. There was a

large and exceedingly odd-looking bundle of something which lay

close by my feet on the floor, and, as I was not in the best

humor in the world, I gave it a kick out of the way.

“Hem! ahem! rather civil that, I should say!” said the bundle, in

one of the smallest, and altogether the funniest little voices,

between a squeak and a whistle, that I ever heard in all the days

of my existence.

“Ahem! rather civil that, I should observe.”

I fairly shouted with terror, and made off, at a tangent, into

the farthest extremity of the room.

“God bless me! my dear fellow,” here again whistled the bundle,

“what—what—what—why, what _is_ the matter? I really believe you

don’t know me at all.”

What _could_ I say to all this—what _could_ I? I staggered into

an arm-chair, and, with staring eyes and open mouth, awaited the

solution of the wonder.

“Strange you shouldn’t know me though, isn’t it?” presently

re-squeaked the nondescript, which I now perceived was

performing, upon the floor, some inexplicable evolution, very

analogous to the drawing on of a stocking. There was only a

single leg, however, apparent.

“Strange you shouldn’t know me, though, isn’t it? Pompey, bring

me that leg!” Here Pompey handed the bundle, a very capital cork

leg, already dressed, which it screwed on in a trice; and then it

stood up before my eyes.

“And a bloody action it _was_,” continued the thing, as if in a

soliloquy; “but then one mustn’t fight with the Bugaboos and

Kickapoos, and think of coming off with a mere scratch. Pompey,

I’ll thank you now for that arm. Thomas” [turning to me] “is

decidedly the best hand at a cork leg; but if you should ever

want an arm, my dear fellow, you must really let me recommend you

to Bishop.” Here Pompey screwed on an arm.

“We had rather hot work of it, that you may say. Now, you dog,

slip on my shoulders and bosom! Pettitt makes the best shoulders,

but for a bosom you will have to go to Ducrow.”

“Bosom!” said I.

“Pompey, will you _never_ be ready with that wig? Scalping is a

rough process after all; but then you can procure such a capital

scratch at De L’Orme’s.”

“Scratch!”

“Now, you nigger, my teeth! For a _good_ set of these you had

better go to Parmly’s at once; high prices, but excellent work. I

swallowed some very capital articles, though, when the big

Bugaboo rammed me down with the butt end of his rifle.”

“Butt end! ram down!! my eye!!”

“O yes, by-the-by, my eye—here, Pompey, you scamp, screw it in !

Those Kickapoos are not so very slow at a gouge; but he’s a

belied man, that Dr. Williams, after all; you can’t imagine how

well I see with the eyes of his make.”

I now began very clearly to perceive that the object before me

was nothing more nor less than my new acquaintance, Brevet

Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. The manipulations of

Pompey had made, I must confess, a very striking difference in

the appearance of the personal man. The voice, however, still

puzzled me no little; but even this apparent mystery was speedily

cleared up.

“Pompey, you black rascal,” squeaked the General, “I really do

believe you would let me go out without my palate.”

Hereupon, the negro, grumbling out an apology, went up to his

master, opened his mouth with the knowing air of a horse-jockey,

and adjusted therein a somewhat singular-looking machine, in a

very dexterous manner, that I could not altogether comprehend.

The alteration, however, in the entire expression of the

General’s countenance was instantaneous and surprising. When he

again spoke, his voice had resumed all that rich melody and

strength which I had noticed upon our original introduction.

“D—n the vagabonds!” said he, in so clear a tone that I

positively started at the change, “D—n the vagabonds! they not

only knocked in the roof of my mouth, but took the trouble to cut

off at least seven-eighths of my tongue. There isn’t Bonfanti’s

equal, however, in America, for really good articles of this

description. I can recommend you to him with confidence,” [here

the General bowed,] “and assure you that I have the greatest

pleasure in so doing.”

I acknowledged his kindness in my best manner, and took leave of

him at once, with a perfect understanding of the true state of

affairs—with a full comprehension of the mystery which had

troubled me so long. It was evident. It was a clear case. Brevet

Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith was the man—was _the man

that was used up_.

THE BUSINESS MAN

Method is the soul of business.—OLD SAYING.

I am a business man. I am a methodical man. Method is the thing,

after all. But there are no people I more heartily despise than

your eccentric fools who prate about method without understanding

it; attending strictly to its letter, and violating its spirit.

These fellows are always doing the most out-of-the-way things in

what they call an orderly manner. Now here, I conceive, is a

positive paradox. True method appertains to the ordinary and the

obvious alone, and cannot be applied to the _outré_. What

definite idea can a body attach to such expressions as

“methodical Jack o’ Dandy,” or “a systematical Will o’ the Wisp”?

My notions upon this head might not have been so clear as they

are, but for a fortunate accident which happened to me when I was

a very little boy. A good-hearted old Irish nurse (whom I shall

not forget in my will) took me up one day by the heels, when I

was making more noise than was necessary, and swinging me round

two or three times, d—d my eyes for “a skreeking little

spalpeen,” and then knocked my head into a cocked hat against the

bedpost. This, I say, decided my fate, and made my fortune. A

bump arose at once on my sinciput, and turned out to be as pretty

an organ of order as one shall see on a summer’s day. Hence that

positive appetite for system and regularity which has made me the

distinguished man of business that I am.

If there is any thing on earth I hate, it is a genius. Your

geniuses are all arrant asses—the greater the genius the greater

the ass—and to this rule there is no exception whatever.

Especially, you cannot make a man of business out of a genius,

any more than money out of a Jew, or the best nutmegs out of

pine-knots. The creatures are always going off at a tangent into

some fantastic employment, or ridiculous speculation, entirely at

variance with the “fitness of things,” and having no business

whatever to be considered as a business at all. Thus you may tell

these characters immediately by the nature of their occupations.

If you ever perceive a man setting up as a merchant or a

manufacturer, or going into the cotton or tobacco trade, or any

of those eccentric pursuits; or getting to be a drygoods dealer,

or soap-boiler, or something of that kind; or pretending to be a

lawyer, or a blacksmith, or a physician—any thing out of the

usual way—you may set him down at once as a genius, and then,

according to the rule-of-three, he’s an ass.

Now I am not in any respect a genius, but a regular business man.

My day-book and ledger will evince this in a minute. They are

well kept, though I say it myself; and, in my general habits of

accuracy and punctuality, I am not to be beat by a clock.

Moreover, my occupations have been always made to chime in with

the ordinary habitudes of my fellowmen. Not that I feel the least

indebted, upon this score, to my exceedingly weak-minded parents,

who, beyond doubt, would have made an arrant genius of me at

last, if my guardian angel had not come, in good time, to the

rescue. In biography the truth is every thing, and in

autobiography it is especially so—yet I scarcely hope to be

believed when I state, however solemnly, that my poor father put

me, when I was about fifteen years of age, into the

counting-house of what be termed “a respectable hardware and

commission merchant doing a capital bit of business!” A capital

bit of fiddlestick! However, the consequence of this folly was,

that in two or three days, I had to be sent home to my

button-headed family in a high state of fever, and with a most

violent and dangerous pain in the sinciput, all around about my

organ of order. It was nearly a gone case with me then—just

touch-and-go for six weeks—the physicians giving me up and all

that sort of thing. But, although I suffered much, I was a

thankful boy in the main. I was saved from being a “respectable

hardware and commission merchant, doing a capital bit of

business,” and I felt grateful to the protuberance which had been

the means of my salvation, as well as to the kindhearted female

who had originally put these means within my reach.

The most of boys run away from home at ten or twelve years of

age, but I waited till I was sixteen. I don’t know that I should

have gone even then, if I had not happened to hear my old mother

talk about setting me up on my own hook in the grocery way. The

grocery way!—only think of that! I resolved to be off forthwith,

and try and establish myself in some decent occupation, without

dancing attendance any longer upon the caprices of these

eccentric old people, and running the risk of being made a genius

of in the end. In this project I succeeded perfectly well at the

first effort, and by the time I was fairly eighteen, found myself

doing an extensive and profitable business in the Tailor’s

Walking-Advertisement line.

I was enabled to discharge the onerous duties of this profession,

only by that rigid adherence to system which formed the leading

feature of my mind. A scrupulous method characterized my actions

as well as my accounts. In my case it was method—not money—which

made the man: at least all of him that was not made by the tailor

whom I served. At nine, every morning, I called upon that

individual for the clothes of the day. Ten o’clock found me in

some fashionable promenade or other place of public amusement.

The precise regularity with which I turned my handsome person

about, so as to bring successively into view every portion of the

suit upon my back, was the admiration of all the knowing men in

the trade. Noon never passed without my bringing home a customer

to the house of my employers, Messrs. Cut & Comeagain. I say this

proudly, but with tears in my eyes—for the firm proved themselves

the basest of ingrates. The little account, about which we

quarreled and finally parted, cannot, in any item, be thought

overcharged, by gentlemen really conversant with the nature of

the business. Upon this point, however, I feel a degree of proud

satisfaction in permitting the reader to judge for himself. My

bill ran thus:

_Messrs. Cut & Comeagain, Merchant Tailors.

To Peter Proffit, Walking Advertiser,_ Drs.

July 10. to promenade, as usual and customer brought home $00 25

July 11. To do do do 25

July 12. To one lie, second class; damaged black cloth sold

for invisible green 25

July 13. To one lie, first class, extra quality and size;

recommended milled satinet as broadcloth, 75

July 20. To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey,

to set off gray Petersham 02

Aug. 15. To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermometer

106 in the shade) 25

Aug. 16. Standing on one leg three hours, to show off

new-style strapped pants at 12 1/2 cents per leg per

hour 37½

Aug. 17. To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought

(fat man) 50

Aug. 18. To do do (medium size) 25

Aug. 19. To do do (small man and bad pay) 6

TOTAL $2 95½

The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the very moderate

charge of two pennies for the dickey. Upon my word of honor, this

was not an unreasonable price for that dickey. It was one of the

cleanest and prettiest little dickeys I ever saw; and I have good

reason to believe that it effected the sale of three Petershams.

The elder partner of the firm, however, would allow me only one

penny of the charge, and took it upon himself to show in what

manner four of the same sized conveniences could be got out of a

sheet of foolscap. But it is needless to say that I stood upon

the principle of the thing. Business is business, and should be

done in a business way. There was no system whatever in swindling

me out of a penny—a clear fraud of fifty per cent—no method in

any respect. I left at once the employment of Messrs. Cut &

Comeagain, and set up in the Eye-Sore line by myself—one of the

most lucrative, respectable, and independent of the ordinary

occupations.

My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous business habits, here

again came into play. I found myself driving a flourishing trade,

and soon became a marked man upon “Change.” The truth is, I never

dabbled in flashy matters, but jogged on in the good old sober

routine of the calling—a calling in which I should, no doubt,

have remained to the present hour, but for a little accident

which happened to me in the prosecution of one of the usual

business operations of the profession. Whenever a rich old hunks

or prodigal heir or bankrupt corporation gets into the notion of

putting up a palace, there is no such thing in the world as

stopping either of them, and this every intelligent person knows.

The fact in question is indeed the basis of the Eye-Sore trade.

As soon, therefore, as a building-project is fairly afoot by one

of these parties, we merchants secure a nice corner of the lot in

contemplation, or a prime little situation just adjoining, or

tight in front. This done, we wait until the palace is half-way

up, and then we pay some tasty architect to run us up an

ornamental mud hovel, right against it; or a Down-East or Dutch

Pagoda, or a pig-sty, or an ingenious little bit of fancy work,

either Esquimau, Kickapoo, or Hottentot. Of course we can’t

afford to take these structures down under a bonus of five

hundred per cent upon the prime cost of our lot and plaster. Can

we? I ask the question. I ask it of business men. It would be

irrational to suppose that we can. And yet there was a rascally

corporation which asked me to do this very thing—this very thing!

I did not reply to their absurd proposition, of course; but I

felt it a duty to go that same night, and lamp-black the whole of

their palace. For this the unreasonable villains clapped me into

jail; and the gentlemen of the Eye-Sore trade could not well

avoid cutting my connection when I came out.

The Assault-and-Battery business, into which I was now forced to

adventure for a livelihood, was somewhat ill-adapted to the

delicate nature of my constitution; but I went to work in it with

a good heart, and found my account here, as heretofore, in those

stern habits of methodical accuracy which had been thumped into

me by that delightful old nurse—I would indeed be the basest of

men not to remember her well in my will. By observing, as I say,

the strictest system in all my dealings, and keeping a

well-regulated set of books, I was enabled to get over many

serious difficulties, and, in the end, to establish myself very

decently in the profession. The truth is, that few individuals,

in any line, did a snugger little business than I. I will just

copy a page or so out of my Day-Book; and this will save me the

necessity of blowing my own trumpet—a contemptible practice of

which no high-minded man will be guilty. Now, the Day-Book is a

thing that don’t lie.

“Jan. 1.—New Year’s Day. Met Snap in the street, groggy.

Mem—he’ll do. Met Gruff shortly afterward, blind drunk. Mem—he’ll

answer, too. Entered both gentlemen in my Ledger, and opened a

running account with each.

“Jan. 2.—Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up and trod on his

toe. Doubled his fist and knocked me down. Good!—got up again.

Some trifling difficulty with Bag, my attorney. I want the

damages at a thousand, but he says that for so simple a knock

down we can’t lay them at more than five hundred. Mem—must get

rid of Bag—no system at all.

“Jan. 3.—Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff. Saw him sitting

in a side box, in the second tier, between a fat lady and a lean

one. Quizzed the whole party through an opera-glass, till I saw

the fat lady blush and whisper to G. Went round, then, into the

box, and put my nose within reach of his hand. Wouldn’t pull

it—no go. Blew it, and tried again—no go. Sat down then, and

winked at the lean lady, when I had the high satisfaction of

finding him lift me up by the nape of the neck, and fling me over

into the pit. Neck dislocated, and right leg capitally

splintered. Went home in high glee, drank a bottle of champagne,

and booked the young man for five thousand. Bag says it’ll do.

“Feb. 15.—Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount entered in

Journal—fifty cents—which see.

“Feb. 16.—Cast by that ruffian, Gruff, who made me a present of

five dollars. Costs of suit, four dollars and twenty-five cents.

Nett profit,—see Journal,—seventy-five cents.”

Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period, of no less

than one dollar and twenty-five cents—this is in the mere cases

of Snap and Gruff; and I solemnly assure the reader that these

extracts are taken at random from my Day-Book.

It’s an old saying, and a true one, however, that money is

nothing in comparison with health. I found the exactions of the

profession somewhat too much for my delicate state of body; and,

discovering, at last, that I was knocked all out of shape, so

that I didn’t know very well what to make of the matter, and so

that my friends, when they met me in the street, couldn’t tell

that I was Peter Proffit at all, it occurred to me that the best

expedient I could adopt was to alter my line of business. I

turned my attention, therefore, to Mud-Dabbling, and continued it

for some years.

The worst of this occupation is, that too many people take a

fancy to it, and the competition is in consequence excessive.

Every ignoramus of a fellow who finds that he hasn’t brains in

sufficient quantity to make his way as a walking advertiser, or

an eye-sore prig, or a salt-and-batter man, thinks, of course,

that he’ll answer very well as a dabbler of mud. But there never

was entertained a more erroneous idea than that it requires no

brains to mud-dabble. Especially, there is nothing to be made in

this way without method. I did only a retail business myself, but

my old habits of system carried me swimmingly along. I selected

my street-crossing, in the first place, with great deliberation,

and I never put down a broom in any part of the town but that. I

took care, too, to have a nice little puddle at hand, which I

could get at in a minute. By these means I got to be well known

as a man to be trusted; and this is one-half the battle, let me

tell you, in trade. Nobody ever failed to pitch me a copper, and

got over my crossing with a clean pair of pantaloons. And, as my

business habits, in this respect, were sufficiently understood, I

never met with any attempt at imposition. I wouldn’t have put up

with it, if I had. Never imposing upon any one myself, I suffered

no one to play the possum with me. The frauds of the banks of

course I couldn’t help. Their suspension put me to ruinous

inconvenience. These, however, are not individuals, but

corporations; and corporations, it is very well known, have

neither bodies to be kicked nor souls to be damned.

I was making money at this business when, in an evil moment, I

was induced to merge it in the Cur-Spattering—a somewhat

analogous, but, by no means, so respectable a profession. My

location, to be sure, was an excellent one, being central, and I

had capital blacking and brushes. My little dog, too, was quite

fat and up to all varieties of snuff. He had been in the trade a

long time, and, I may say, understood it. Our general routine was

this:—Pompey, having rolled himself well in the mud, sat upon end

at the shop door, until he observed a dandy approaching in bright

boots. He then proceeded to meet him, and gave the Wellingtons a

rub or two with his wool. Then the dandy swore very much, and

looked about for a boot-black. There I was, full in his view,

with blacking and brushes. It was only a minute’s work, and then

came a sixpence. This did moderately well for a time;—in fact, I

was not avaricious, but my dog was. I allowed him a third of the

profit, but he was advised to insist upon half. This I couldn’t

stand—so we quarrelled and parted.

I next tried my hand at the Organ-Grinding for a while, and may

say that I made out pretty well. It is a plain, straightforward

business, and requires no particular abilities. You can get a

music-mill for a mere song, and to put it in order, you have but

to open the works, and give them three or four smart raps with a

hammer. It improves the tone of the thing, for business purposes,

more than you can imagine. This done, you have only to stroll

along, with the mill on your back, until you see tanbark in the

street, and a knocker wrapped up in buckskin. Then you stop and

grind; looking as if you meant to stop and grind till doomsday.

Presently a window opens, and somebody pitches you a sixpence,

with a request to “Hush up and go on,” etc. I am aware that some

grinders have actually afforded to “go on” for this sum; but for

my part, I found the necessary outlay of capital too great to

permit of my “going on” under a shilling.

At this occupation I did a good deal; but, somehow, I was not

quite satisfied, and so finally abandoned it. The truth is, I

labored under the disadvantage of having no monkey—and American

streets are so muddy, and a Democratic rabble is so obstrusive,

and so full of demnition mischievous little boys.

I was now out of employment for some months, but at length

succeeded, by dint of great interest, in procuring a situation in

the Sham-Post. The duties, here, are simple, and not altogether

unprofitable. For example:—very early in the morning I had to

make up my packet of sham letters. Upon the inside of each of

these I had to scrawl a few lines on any subject which occurred

to me as sufficiently mysterious—signing all the epistles Tom

Dobson, or Bobby Tompkins, or anything in that way. Having folded

and sealed all, and stamped them with sham postmarks—New Orleans,

Bengal, Botany Bay, or any other place a great way off—I set out,

forthwith, upon my daily route, as if in a very great hurry. I

always called at the big houses to deliver the letters, and

receive the postage. Nobody hesitates at paying for a

letter—especially for a double one—people are such fools—and it

was no trouble to get round a corner before there was time to

open the epistles. The worst of this profession was, that I had

to walk so much and so fast; and so frequently to vary my route.

Besides, I had serious scruples of conscience. I can’t bear to

hear innocent individuals abused—and the way the whole town took

to cursing Tom Dobson and Bobby Tompkins was really awful to

hear. I washed my hands of the matter in disgust.

My eighth and last speculation has been in the Cat-Growing way. I

have found that a most pleasant and lucrative business, and,

really, no trouble at all. The country, it is well known, has

become infested with cats—so much so of late, that a petition for

relief, most numerously and respectably signed, was brought

before the Legislature at its late memorable session. The

Assembly, at this epoch, was unusually well-informed, and, having

passed many other wise and wholesome enactments, it crowned all

with the Cat-Act. In its original form, this law offered a

premium for cat-heads (fourpence a-piece), but the Senate

succeeded in amending the main clause, so as to substitute the

word “tails” for “heads.” This amendment was so obviously proper,

that the House concurred in it nem. con.

As soon as the governor had signed the bill, I invested my whole

estate in the purchase of Toms and Tabbies. At first I could only

afford to feed them upon mice (which are cheap), but they

fulfilled the scriptural injunction at so marvellous a rate, that

I at length considered it my best policy to be liberal, and so

indulged them in oysters and turtle. Their tails, at a

legislative price, now bring me in a good income; for I have

discovered a way, in which, by means of Macassar oil, I can force

three crops in a year. It delights me to find, too, that the

animals soon get accustomed to the thing, and would rather have

the appendages cut off than otherwise. I consider myself,

therefore, a made man, and am bargaining for a country-seat on

the Hudson.

THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN

The garden like a lady fair was cut

That lay as if she slumbered in delight,

And to the open skies her eyes did shut;

The azure fields of heaven were ’sembled right

In a large round set with flow’rs of light:

The flowers de luce and the round sparks of dew

That hung upon their azure leaves, did show

Like twinkling stars that sparkle in the ev’ning blue.

—GILES FLETCHER

No more remarkable man ever lived than my friend, the young

Ellison. He was remarkable in the entire and continuous profusion

of good gifts ever lavished upon him by fortune. From his cradle

to his grave, a gale of the blandest prosperity bore him along.

Nor do I use the word Prosperity in its mere wordly or external

sense. I mean it as synonymous with happiness. The person of whom

I speak, seemed born for the purpose of foreshadowing the wild

doctrines of Turgot, Price, Priestley, and Condorcet—of

exemplifying, by individual instance, what has been deemed the

mere chimera of the perfectionists. In the brief existence of

Ellison, I fancy, that I have seen refuted the dogma—that in

man’s physical and spiritual nature, lies some hidden principle,

the antagonist of Bliss. An intimate and anxious examination of

his career, has taught me to understand that, in general, from

the violation of a few simple laws of Humanity, arises the

Wretchedness of mankind; that, as a species, we have in our

possession the as yet unwrought elements of Content,—and that

even now, in the present blindness and darkness of all idea on

the great question of the Social Condition, it is not impossible

that Man, the individual, under certain unusual and highly

fortuitous conditions, may be happy.

With opinions such as these was my young friend fully imbued; and

thus is it especially worthy of observation that the

uninterrupted enjoyment which distinguished his life was in great

part the result of preconcert. It is, indeed evident, that with

less of the instinctive philosophy which, now and then, stands so

well in the stead of experience, Mr. Ellison would have found

himself precipitated, by the very extraordinary successes of his

life, into the common vortex of Unhappiness which yawns for those

of preeminent endowments. But it is by no means my present object

to pen an essay on Happiness. The ideas of my friend may be

summed up in a few words. He admitted but four unvarying laws, or

rather elementary principles, of Bliss. That which he considered

chief, was (strange to say!) the simple and purely physical one

of free exercise in the open air. “The health,” he said,

“attainable by other means than this is scarcely worth the name.”

He pointed to the tillers of the earth—the only people who, as a

class, are proverbially more happy than others—and then he

instanced the high ecstasies of the fox-hunter. His second

principle was the love of woman. His third was the contempt of

ambition. His fourth was an object of unceasing pursuit; and he

held that, other things being equal, the extent of happiness was

proportioned to the spirituality of this object.

I have said that Ellison was remarkable in the continuous

profusion of good gifts lavished upon him by Fortune. In personal

grace and beauty he exceeded all men. His intellect was of that

order to which the attainment of knowledge is less a labor than a

necessity and an intuition. His family was one of the most

illustrious of the empire. His bride was the loveliest and most

devoted of women. His possessions had been always ample; but,

upon the attainment of his one and twentieth year, it was

discovered that one of those extraordinary freaks of Fate had

been played in his behalf which startle the whole social world

amid which they occur, and seldom fail radically to alter the

entire moral constitution of those who are their objects. It

appears that about one hundred years prior to Mr. Ellison’s

attainment of his majority, there had died, in a remote province,

one Mr. Seabright Ellison. This gentlemen had amassed a princely

fortune, and, having no very immediate connexions, conceived the

whim of suffering his wealth to accumulate for a century after

his decease. Minutely and sagaciously directing the various modes

of investment, he bequeathed the aggregate amount to the nearest

of blood, bearing the name Ellison, who should be alive at the

end of the hundred years. Many futile attempts had been made to

set aside this singular bequest; their ex post facto character

rendered them abortive; but the attention of a jealous government

was aroused, and a decree finally obtained, forbidding all

similar accumulations. This act did not prevent young Ellison,

upon his twenty-first birth-day, from entering into possession,

as the heir of his ancestor, Seabright, of a fortune of four

hundred and fifty millions of dollars. {*1}

When it had become definitely known that such was the enormous

wealth inherited, there were, of course, many speculations as to

the mode of its disposal. The gigantic magnitude and the

immediately available nature of the sum, dazzled and bewildered

all who thought upon the topic. The possessor of any appreciable

amount of money might have been imagined to perform any one of a

thousand things. With riches merely surpassing those of any

citizen, it would have been easy to suppose him engaging to

supreme excess in the fashionable extravagances of his time; or

busying himself with political intrigues; or aiming at

ministerial power; or purchasing increase of nobility, or

devising gorgeous architectural piles; or collecting large

specimens of Virtu; or playing the munificent patron of Letters

and Art; or endowing and bestowing his name upon extensive

institutions of charity. But, for the inconceivable wealth in the

actual possession of the young heir, these objects and all

ordinary objects were felt to be inadequate. Recourse was had to

figures; and figures but sufficed to confound. It was seen, that

even at three per cent, the annual income of the inheritance

amounted to no less than thirteen millions and five hundred

thousand dollars; which was one million and one hundred and

twenty-five thousand per month; or thirty-six thousand, nine

hundred and eighty-six per day, or one thousand five hundred and

forty-one per hour, or six and twenty dollars for every minute

that flew. Thus the usual track of supposition was thoroughly

broken up. Men knew not what to imagine. There were some who even

conceived that Mr. Ellison would divest himself forthwith of at

least two-thirds of his fortune as of utterly superfluous

opulence; enriching whole troops of his relatives by division of

his superabundance.

I was not surprised, however, to perceive that he had long made

up his mind upon a topic which had occasioned so much of

discussion to his friends. Nor was I greatly astonished at the

nature of his decision. In the widest and noblest sense, he was a

poet. He comprehended, moreover, the true character, the august

aims, the supreme majesty and dignity of the poetic sentiment.

The proper gratification of the sentiment he instinctively felt

to lie in the creation of novel forms of Beauty. Some

peculiarities, either in his early education, or in the nature of

his intellect, had tinged with what is termed materialism the

whole cast of his ethical speculations; and it was this bias,

perhaps, which imperceptibly led him to perceive that the most

advantageous, if not the sole legitimate field for the exercise

of the poetic sentiment, was to be found in the creation of novel

moods of purely physical loveliness. Thus it happened that he

became neither musician nor poet; if we use this latter term in

its every-day acceptation. Or it might have been that he became

neither the one nor the other, in pursuance of an idea of his

which I have already mentioned—the idea, that in the contempt of

ambition lay one of the essential principles of happiness on

earth. Is it not, indeed, possible that while a high order of

genius is necessarily ambitious, the highest is invariably above

that which is termed ambition? And may it not thus happen that

many far greater than Milton, have contentedly remained “mute and

inglorious?” I believe the world has never yet seen, and that,

unless through some series of accidents goading the noblest order

of mind into distasteful exertion, the world will never behold,

that full extent of triumphant execution, in the richer

productions of Art, of which the human nature is absolutely

capable.

Mr. Ellison became neither musician nor poet; although no man

lived more profoundly enamored both of Music and the Muse. Under

other circumstances than those which invested him, it is not

impossible that he would have become a painter. The field of

sculpture, although in its nature rigidly poetical, was too

limited in its extent and in its consequences, to have occupied,

at any time, much of his attention. And I have now mentioned all

the provinces in which even the most liberal understanding of the

poetic sentiment has declared this sentiment capable of

expatiating. I mean the most liberal public or recognized

conception of the idea involved in the phrase “poetic sentiment.”

But Mr. Ellison imagined that the richest, and altogether the

most natural and most suitable province, had been blindly

neglected. No definition had spoken of the Landscape-Gardener, as

of the poet; yet my friend could not fail to perceive that the

creation of the Landscape-Garden offered to the true muse the

most magnificent of opportunities. Here was, indeed, the fairest

field for the display of invention, or imagination, in the

endless combining of forms of novel Beauty; the elements which

should enter into combination being, at all times, and by a vast

superiority, the most glorious which the earth could afford. In

the multiform of the tree, and in the multicolor of the flower,

he recognized the most direct and the most energetic efforts of

Nature at physical loveliness. And in the direction or

concentration of this effort, or, still more properly, in its

adaption to the eyes which were to behold it upon earth, he

perceived that he should be employing the best means—laboring to

the greatest advantage—in the fulfilment of his destiny as Poet.

“Its adaptation to the eyes which were to behold it upon earth.”

In his explanation of this phraseology, Mr. Ellison did much

towards solving what has always seemed to me an enigma. I mean

the fact (which none but the ignorant dispute) that no such

combinations of scenery exist in Nature as the painter of genius

has in his power to produce. No such Paradises are to be found in

reality as have glowed upon the canvass of Claude. In the most

enchanting of natural landscapes, there will always be found a

defect or an excess—many excesses and defects. While the

component parts may exceed, individually, the highest skill of

the artist, the arrangement of the parts will always be

susceptible of improvement. In short, no position can be

attained, from which an artistical eye, looking steadily, will

not find matter of offence, in what is technically termed the

composition of a natural landscape. And yet how unintelligible is

this! In all other matters we are justly instructed to regard

Nature as supreme. With her details we shrink from competition.

Who shall presume to imitate the colors of the tulip, or to

improve the proportions of the lily of the valley? The criticism

which says, of sculpture or of portraiture, that “Nature is to be

exalted rather than imitated,” is in error. No pictorial or

sculptural combinations of points of human loveliness, do more

than approach the living and breathing human beauty as it

gladdens our daily path. Byron, who often erred, erred not in

saying, I’ve seen more living beauty, ripe and real, than all the

nonsense of their stone ideal. In landscape alone is the

principle of the critic true; and, having felt its truth here, it

is but the headlong spirit of generalization which has induced

him to pronounce it true throughout all the domains of Art.

Having, I say, felt its truth here. For the feeling is no

affectation or chimera. The mathematics afford no more absolute

demonstrations, than the sentiment of his Art yields to the

artist. He not only believes, but positively knows, that such and

such apparently arbitrary arrangements of matter, or form,

constitute, and alone constitute, the true Beauty. Yet his

reasons have not yet been matured into expression. It remains for

a more profound analysis than the world has yet seen, fully to

investigate and express them. Nevertheless is he confirmed in his

instinctive opinions, by the concurrence of all his compeers. Let

a composition be defective; let an emendation be wrought in its

mere arrangement of form; let this emendation be submitted to

every artist in the world; by each will its necessity be

admitted. And even far more than this, in remedy of the defective

composition, each insulated member of the fraternity will suggest

the identical emendation.

I repeat that in landscape arrangements, or collocations alone,

is the physical Nature susceptible of “exaltation” and that,

therefore, her susceptibility of improvement at this one point,

was a mystery which, hitherto I had been unable to solve. It was

Mr. Ellison who first suggested the idea that what we regarded as

improvement or exaltation of the natural beauty, was really such,

as respected only the mortal or human point of view; that each

alteration or disturbance of the primitive scenery might possibly

effect a blemish in the picture, if we could suppose this picture

viewed at large from some remote point in the heavens. “It is

easily understood,” says Mr. Ellison, “that what might improve a

closely scrutinized detail, might, at the same time, injure a

general and more distantly observed effect.” He spoke upon this

topic with warmth: regarding not so much its immediate or obvious

importance (which is little), as the character of the conclusions

to which it might lead, or of the collateral propositions which

it might serve to corroborate or sustain. There might be a class

of beings, human once, but now to humanity invisible, for whose

scrutiny and for whose refined appreciation of the beautiful,

more especially than for our own, had been set in order by God

the great landscape-garden of the whole earth.

In the course of our discussion, my young friend took occasion to

quote some passages from a writer who has been supposed to have

well treated this theme.

“There are, properly,” he writes, “but two styles of

landscape-gardening, the natural and the artificial. One seeks to

recall the original beauty of the country, by adapting its means

to the surrounding scenery; cultivating trees in harmony with the

hills or plain of the neighboring land; detecting and bringing

into practice those nice relations of size, proportion and color

which, hid from the common observer, are revealed everywhere to

the experienced student of nature. The result of the natural

style of gardening, is seen rather in the absence of all defects

and incongruities—in the prevalence of a beautiful harmony and

order, than in the creation of any special wonders or miracles.

The artificial style has as many varieties as there are different

tastes to gratify. It has a certain general relation to the

various styles of building. There are the stately avenues and

retirements of Versailles; Italian terraces; and a various mixed

old English style, which bears some relation to the domestic

Gothic or English Elizabethan architecture. Whatever may be said

against the abuses of the artificial landscape-gardening, a

mixture of pure art in a garden scene, adds to it a great beauty.

This is partly pleasing to the eye, by the show of order and

design, and partly moral. A terrace, with an old moss-covered

balustrade, calls up at once to the eye, the fair forms that have

passed there in other days. The slightest exhibition of art is an

evidence of care and human interest.”

“From what I have already observed,” said Mr. Ellison, “you will

understand that I reject the idea, here expressed, of ‘recalling

the original beauty of the country.’ The original beauty is never

so great as that which may be introduced. Of course, much depends

upon the selection of a spot with capabilities. What is said in

respect to the ‘detecting and bringing into practice those nice

relations of size, proportion and color,’ is a mere vagueness of

speech, which may mean much, or little, or nothing, and which

guides in no degree. That the true ‘result of the natural style

of gardening is seen rather in the absence of all defects and

incongruities, than in the creation of any special wonders or

miracles,’ is a proposition better suited to the grovelling

apprehension of the herd, than to the fervid dreams of the man of

genius. The merit suggested is, at best, negative, and appertains

to that hobbling criticism which, in letters, would elevate

Addison into apotheosis. In truth, while that merit which

consists in the mere avoiding demerit, appeals directly to the

understanding, and can thus be foreshadowed in Rule, the loftier

merit, which breathes and flames in invention or creation, can be

apprehended solely in its results. Rule applies but to the

excellences of avoidance—to the virtues which deny or refrain.

Beyond these the critical art can but suggest. We may be

instructed to build an Odyssey, but it is in vain that we are

told how to conceive a ‘Tempest,’ an ‘Inferno,’ a ‘Prometheus

Bound,’ a ‘Nightingale,’ such as that of Keats, or the ‘Sensitive

Plant’ of Shelley. But, the thing done, the wonder accomplished,

and the capacity for apprehension becomes universal. The sophists

of the negative school, who, through inability to create, have

scoffed at creation, are now found the loudest in applause. What,

in its chrysalis condition of principle, affronted their demure

reason, never fails, in its maturity of accomplishment, to extort

admiration from their instinct of the beautiful or of the

sublime.

“Our author’s observations on the artificial style of gardening,”

continued Mr. Ellison, “are less objectionable. ‘A mixture of

pure art in a garden scene, adds to it a great beauty.’ This is

just, and the reference to the sense of human interest is equally

so. I repeat that the principle here expressed, is

incontrovertible; but there may be something even beyond it.

There may be an object in full keeping with the principle

suggested—an object unattainable by the means ordinarily in

possession of mankind, yet which, if attained, would lend a charm

to the landscape-garden immeasurably surpassing that which a

merely human interest could bestow. The true poet possessed of

very unusual pecuniary resources, might possibly, while retaining

the necessary idea of art or interest or culture, so imbue his

designs at once with extent and novelty of Beauty, as to convey

the sentiment of spiritual interference. It will be seen that, in

bringing about such result, he secures all the advantages of

interest or design, while relieving his work of all the harshness

and technicality of Art. In the most rugged of wildernesses—in

the most savage of the scenes of pure Nature—there is apparent

the art of a Creator; yet is this art apparent only to

reflection; in no respect has it the obvious force of a feeling.

Now, if we imagine this sense of the Almighty Design to be

harmonized in a measurable degree, if we suppose a landscape

whose combined strangeness, vastness, definitiveness, and

magnificence, shall inspire the idea of culture, or care, or

superintendence, on the part of intelligences superior yet akin

to humanity—then the sentiment of interest is preserved, while

the Art is made to assume the air of an intermediate or secondary

Nature—a Nature which is not God, nor an emanation of God, but

which still is Nature, in the sense that it is the handiwork of

the angels that hover between man and God.”

It was in devoting his gigantic wealth to the practical

embodiment of a vision such as this—in the free exercise in the

open air, which resulted from personal direction of his plans—in

the continuous and unceasing object which these plans afforded—in

the high spirituality of the object itself—in the contempt of

ambition which it enabled him more to feel than to affect—and,

lastly, it was in the companionship and sympathy of a devoted

wife, that Ellison thought to find, and found, an exemption from

the ordinary cares of Humanity, with a far greater amount of

positive happiness than ever glowed in the rapt day-dreams of De

Staël.

MAELZEL’S CHESS-PLAYER

Perhaps no exhibition of the kind has ever elicited so general

attention as the Chess-Player of Maelzel. Wherever seen it has

been an object of intense curiosity, to all persons who think.

Yet the question of its _modus operandi_ is still undetermined.

Nothing has been written on this topic which can be considered as

decisive—and accordingly we find every where men of mechanical

genius, of great general acuteness, and discriminative

understanding, who make no scruple in pronouncing the Automaton a

_pure machine_, unconnected with human agency in its movements,

and consequently, beyond all comparison, the most astonishing of

the inventions of mankind. And such it would undoubtedly be, were

they right in their supposition. Assuming this hypothesis, it

would be grossly absurd to compare with the Chess-Player, any

similar thing of either modern or ancient days. Yet there have

been many and wonderful automata. In Brewster’s Letters on

Natural Magic, we have an account of the most remarkable. Among

these may be mentioned, as having beyond doubt existed, firstly,

the coach invented by M. Camus for the amusement of Louis XIV

when a child. A table, about four feet square, was introduced,

into the room appropriated for the exhibition. Upon this table

was placed a carriage, six inches in length, made of wood, and

drawn by two horses of the same material. One window being down,

a lady was seen on the back seat. A coachman held the reins on

the box, and a footman and page were in their places behind. M.

Camus now touched a spring; whereupon the coachman smacked his

whip, and the horses proceeded in a natural manner, along the

edge of the table, drawing after them the carriage. Having gone

as far as possible in this direction, a sudden turn was made to

the left, and the vehicle was driven at right angles to its

former course, and still closely along the edge of the table. In

this way the coach proceeded until it arrived opposite the chair

of the young prince. It then stopped, the page descended and

opened the door, the lady alighted, and presented a petition to

her sovereign. She then re-entered. The page put up the steps,

closed the door, and resumed his station. The coachman whipped

his horses, and the carriage was driven back to its original

position.

The magician of M. Maillardet is also worthy of notice. We copy

the following account of it from the _Letters_ before mentioned

of Dr. B., who derived his information principally from the

Edinburgh Encyclopaedia.

“One of the most popular pieces of mechanism which we have seen,

Is the Magician constructed by M. Maillardet, for the purpose of

answering certain given questions. A figure, dressed like a

magician, appears seated at the bottom of a wall, holding a wand

in one hand, and a book in the other A number of questions, ready

prepared, are inscribed on oval medallions, and the spectator

takes any of these he chooses and to which he wishes an answer,

and having placed it in a drawer ready to receive it, the drawer

shuts with a spring till the answer is returned. The magician

then arises from his seat, bows his head, describes circles with

his wand, and consulting the book as If in deep thought, he lifts

it towards his face. Having thus appeared to ponder over the

proposed question he raises his wand, and striking with it the

wall above his head, two folding doors fly open, and display an

appropriate answer to the question. The doors again close, the

magician resumes his original position, and the drawer opens to

return the medallion. There are twenty of these medallions, all

containing different questions, to which the magician returns the

most suitable and striking answers. The medallions are thin

plates of brass, of an elliptical form, exactly resembling each

other. Some of the medallions have a question inscribed on each

side, both of which the magician answered in succession. If the

drawer is shut without a medallion being put into it, the

magician rises, consults his book, shakes his head, and resumes

his seat. The folding doors remain shut, and the drawer is

returned empty. If two medallions are put into the drawer

together, an answer is returned only to the lower one. When the

machinery is wound up, the movements continue about an hour,

during which time about fifty questions may be answered. The

inventor stated that the means by which the different medallions

acted upon the machinery, so as to produce the proper answers to

the questions which they contained, were extremely simple.”

The duck of Vaucanson was still more remarkable. It was _of _the

size of life, and so perfect an imitation of the living animal

that all the spectators were deceived. It executed, says

Brewster, all the natural movements and gestures, it ate and

drank with avidity, performed all the quick motions of the head

and throat which are peculiar to the duck, and like it muddled

the water which it drank with its bill. It produced also the

sound of quacking in the most natural manner. In the anatomical

structure the artist exhibited the highest skill. Every bone in

the real duck had its representative In the automaton, and its

wings were anatomically exact. Every cavity, apophysis, and

curvature was imitated, and each bone executed its proper

movements. When corn was thrown down before it, the duck

stretched out its neck to pick it up, swallowed, and digested it.

{*1}

But if these machines were ingenious, what shall we think of the

calculating machine of Mr. Babbage? What shall we think of an

engine of wood and metal which can not only compute astronomical

and navigation tables to any given extent, but render the

exactitude of its operations mathematically certain through its

power of correcting its possible errors? What shall we think of a

machine which can not only accomplish all this, but actually

print off its elaborate results, when obtained, without the

slightest intervention of the intellect of man? It will, perhaps,

be said, in reply, that a machine such as we have described is

altogether above comparison with the Chess-Player of Maelzel. By

no means—it is altogether beneath it—that is to say provided we

assume (what should never for a moment be assumed) that the

Chess-Player is a _pure machine, _and performs its operations

without any immediate human agency. Arithmetical or algebraical

calculations are, from their very nature, fixed and determinate.

Certain _data _being given, certain results necessarily and

inevitably follow. These results have dependence upon nothing,

and are influenced by nothing but the _data _originally given.

And the question to be solved proceeds, or should proceed, to its

final determination, by a succession of unerring steps liable to

no change, and subject to no modification. This being the case,

we can without difficulty conceive the _possibility _of so

arranging a piece of mechanism, that upon starting In accordance

with the _data _of the question to be solved, it should continue

its movements regularly, progressively, and undeviatingly towards

the required solution, since these movements, however complex,

are never imagined to be otherwise than finite and determinate.

But the case is widely different with the Chess-Player. With him

there is no determinate progression. No one move in chess

necessarily follows upon any one other. From no particular

disposition of the men at one period of a game can we predicate

their disposition at a different period. Let us place the _first

move _in a game of chess, in juxta-position with the _data _of an

algebraical question, and their great difference will be

immediately perceived. From the latter—from the _data—_the second

step of the question, dependent thereupon, inevitably follows. It

is modelled by the _data. _It must be _thus _and not otherwise.

But from the first move in the game of chess no especial second

move follows of necessity. In the algebraical question, as it

proceeds towards solution, the _certainty _of its operations

remains altogether unimpaired. The second step having been a

consequence of the _data, _the third step is equally a

consequence of the second, the fourth of the third, the fifth of

the fourth, and so on, _and not possibly otherwise, _to the end.

But in proportion to the progress made in a game of chess, is the

_uncertainty _of each ensuing move. A few moves having been made,

_no _step is certain. Different spectators of the game would

advise different moves. All is then dependent upon the variable

judgment of the players. Now even granting (what should not be

granted) that the movements of the Automaton Chess-Player were in

themselves determinate, they would be necessarily interrupted and

disarranged by the indeterminate will of his antagonist. There is

then no analogy whatever between the operations of the

Chess-Player, and those of the calculating machine of Mr.

Babbage, and if we choose to call the former a _pure machine _we

must be prepared to admit that it is, beyond all comparison, the

most wonderful of the inventions of mankind. Its original

projector, however, Baron Kempelen, had no scruple in declaring

it to be a “very ordinary piece of mechanism—a _bagatelle _whose

effects appeared so marvellous only from the boldness of the

conception, and the fortunate choice of the methods adopted for

promoting the illusion.” But it is needless to dwell upon this

point. It is quite certain that the operations of the Automaton

are regulated by _mind, _and by nothing else. Indeed this matter

is susceptible of a mathematical demonstration, _a priori. _The

only question then is of the _manner _in which human agency is

brought to bear. Before entering upon this subject it would be as

well to give a brief history and description of the Chess-Player

for the benefit of such of our readers as may never have had an

opportunity of witnessing Mr. Maelzel’s exhibition.

The Automaton Chess-Player was invented in 1769, by Baron

Kempelen, a nobleman of Presburg, in Hungary, who afterwards

disposed of it, together with the secret of its operations, to

its present possessor. {2*} Soon after its completion it was

exhibited in Presburg, Paris, Vienna, and other continental

cities. In 1783 and 1784, it was taken to London by Mr. Maelzel.

Of late years it has visited the principal towns in the United

States. Wherever seen, the most intense curiosity was excited by

its appearance, and numerous have been the attempts, by men of

all classes, to fathom the mystery of its evolutions. The cut on

this page gives a tolerable representation of the figure as seen

by the citizens of Richmond a few weeks ago. The right arm,

however, should lie more at length upon the box, a chess-board

should appear upon it, and the cushion should not be seen while

the pipe is held. Some immaterial alterations have been made in

the costume of the player since it came into the possession of

Maelzel—the plume, for example, was not originally worn. {image

of automaton}

At the hour appointed for exhibition, a curtain is withdrawn, or

folding doors are thrown open, and the machine rolled to within

about twelve feet of the nearest of the spectators, between whom

and it (the machine) a rope is stretched. A figure is seen

habited as a Turk, and seated, with its legs crossed, at a large

box apparently of maple wood, which serves it as a table. The

exhibiter will, if requested, roll the machine to any portion of

the room, suffer it to remain altogether on any designated spot,

or even shift its location repeatedly during the progress of a

game. The bottom of the box is elevated considerably above the

floor by means of the castors or brazen rollers on which it

moves, a clear view of the surface immediately beneath the

Automaton being thus afforded to the spectators. The chair on

which the figure sits is affixed permanently to the box. On the

top of this latter is a chess-board, also permanently affixed.

The right arm of the Chess-Player is extended at full length

before him, at right angles with his body, and lying, in an

apparently careless position, by the side of the board. The back

of the hand is upwards. The board itself is eighteen inches

square. The left arm of the figure is bent at the elbow, and in

the left hand is a pipe. A green drapery conceals the back of the

Turk, and falls partially over the front of both shoulders. To

judge from the external appearance of the box, it is divided into

five compartments—three cupboards of equal dimensions, and two

drawers occupying that portion of the chest lying beneath the

cupboards. The foregoing observations apply to the appearance of

the Automaton upon its first introduction into the presence of

the spectators.

Maelzel now informs the company that he will disclose to their

view the mechanism of the machine. Taking from his pocket a bunch

of keys he unlocks with one of them, door marked ~ in the cut

above, and throws the cupboard fully open to the inspection of

all present. Its whole interior is apparently filled with wheels,

pinions, levers, and other machinery, crowded very closely

together, so that the eye can penetrate but a little distance

into the mass. Leaving this door open to its full extent, he goes

now round to the back of the box, and raising the drapery of the

figure, opens another door situated precisely in the rear of the

one first opened. Holding a lighted candle at this door, and

shifting the position of the whole machine repeatedly at the same

time, a bright light is thrown entirely through the cupboard,

which is now clearly seen to be full, completely full, of

machinery. The spectators being satisfied of this fact, Maelzel

closes the back door, locks it, takes the key from the lock, lets

fall the drapery of the figure, and comes round to the front. The

door marked I, it will be remembered, is still open. The

exhibiter now proceeds to open the drawer which lies beneath the

cupboards at the bottom of the box—for although there are

apparently two drawers, there is really only one—the two handles

and two key holes being intended merely for ornament. Having

opened this drawer to its full extent, a small cushion, and a set

of chessmen, fixed in a frame work made to support them

perpendicularly, are discovered. Leaving this drawer, as well as

cupboard No. 1 open, Maelzel now unlocks door No. 2, and door No.

3, which are discovered to be folding doors, opening into one and

the same compartment. To the right of this compartment, however,

(that is to say the spectators’ right) a small division, six

inches wide, and filled with machinery, is partitioned off. The

main compartment itself (in speaking of that portion of the box

visible upon opening doors 2 and 3, we shall always call it the

main compartment) is lined with dark cloth and contains no

machinery whatever beyond two pieces of steel, quadrant-shaped,

and situated one in each of the rear top corners of the

compartment. A small protuberance about eight inches square, and

also covered with dark cloth, lies on the floor of the

compartment near the rear corner on the spectators’ left hand.

Leaving doors No. 2 and No. 3 open as well as the drawer, and

door No. I, the exhibiter now goes round to the back of the main

compartment, and, unlocking another door there, displays clearly

all the interior of the main compartment, by introducing a candle

behind it and within it. The whole box being thus apparently

disclosed to the scrutiny of the company, Maelzel, still leaving

the doors and drawer open, rolls the Automaton entirely round,

and exposes the back of the Turk by lifting up the drapery. A

door about ten inches square is thrown open in the loins of the

figure, and a smaller one also in the left thigh. The interior of

the figure, as seen through these apertures, appears to be

crowded with machinery. In general, every spectator is now

thoroughly satisfied of having beheld and completely scrutinized,

at one and the same time, every individual portion of the

Automaton, and the idea of any person being concealed in the

interior, during so complete an exhibition of that interior, if

ever entertained, is immediately dismissed as preposterous in the

extreme.

M. Maelzel, having rolled the machine back into its original

position, now informs the company that the Automaton will play a

game of chess with any one disposed to encounter him. This

challenge being accepted, a small table is prepared for the

antagonist, and placed close by the rope, but on the spectators’

side of it, and so situated as not to prevent the company from

obtaining a full view of the Automaton. From a drawer in this

table is taken a set of chess-men, and Maelzel arranges them

generally, but not always, with his own hands, on the chess

board, which consists merely of the usual number of squares

painted upon the table. The antagonist having taken his seat, the

exhibiter approaches the drawer of the box, and takes therefrom

the cushion, which, after removing the pipe from the hand of the

Automaton, he places under its left arm as a support. Then taking

also from the drawer the Automaton’s set of chess-men, he

arranges them upon the chessboard before the figure. He now

proceeds to close the doors and to lock them—leaving the bunch of

keys in door No. 1. He also closes the drawer, and, finally,

winds up the machine, by applying a key to an aperture in the

left end (the spectators’ left) of the box. The game now

commences—the Automaton taking the first move. The duration of

the contest is usually limited to half an hour, but if it be not

finished at the expiration of this period, and the antagonist

still contend that he can beat the Automaton, M. Maelzel has

seldom any objection to continue it. Not to weary the company, is

the ostensible, and no doubt the real object of the limitation.

It Wits of course be understood that when a move is made at his

own table, by the antagonist, the corresponding move is made at

the box of the Automaton, by Maelzel himself, who then acts as

the representative of the antagonist. On the other hand, when the

Turk moves, the corresponding move is made at the table of the

antagonist, also by M. Maelzel, who then acts as the

representative of the Automaton. In this manner it is necessary

that the exhibiter should often pass from one table to the other.

He also frequently goes in rear of the figure to remove the

chess-men which it has taken, and which it deposits, when taken,

on the box to the left (to its own left) of the board. When the

Automaton hesitates in relation to its move, the exhibiter is

occasionally seen to place himself very near its right side, and

to lay his hand, now and then, in a careless manner upon the box.

He has also a peculiar shuffle with his feet, calculated to

induce suspicion of collusion with the machine in minds which are

more cunning than sagacious. These peculiarities are, no doubt,

mere mannerisms of M. Maelzel, or, if he is aware of them at all,

he puts them in practice with a view of exciting in the

spectators a false idea of the pure mechanism in the Automaton.

The Turk plays with his left hand. All the movements of the arm

are at right angles. In this manner, the hand (which is gloved

and bent in a natural way,) being brought directly above the

piece to be moved, descends finally upon it, the fingers

receiving it, in most cases, without difficulty. Occasionally,

however, when the piece is not precisely in its proper situation,

the Automaton fails in his attempt at seizing it. When this

occurs, no second effort is made, but the arm continues its

movement in the direction originally intended, precisely as if

the piece were in the fingers. Having thus designated the spot

whither the move should have been made, the arm returns to its

cushion, and Maelzel performs the evolution which the Automaton

pointed out. At every movement of the figure machinery is heard

in motion. During the progress of the game, the figure now and

then rolls its eyes, as if surveying the board, moves its head,

and pronounces the word _echec _(check) when necessary. {*3} If a

false move be made by his antagonist, he raps briskly on the box

with the fingers of his right hand, shakes his head roughly, and

replacing the piece falsely moved, in its former situation,

assumes the next move himself. Upon beating the game, he waves

his head with an air of triumph, looks round complacently upon

the spectators, and drawing his left arm farther back than usual,

suffers his fingers alone to rest upon the cushion. In general,

the Turk is victorious—once or twice he has been beaten. The game

being ended, Maelzel will again if desired, exhibit the mechanism

of the box, in the same manner as before. The machine is then

rolled back, and a curtain hides it from the view of the company.

There have been many attempts at solving the mystery of the

Automaton. The most general opinion in relation to it, an opinion

too not unfrequently adopted by men who should have known better,

was, as we have before said, that no immediate human agency was

employed—in other words, that the machine was purely a machine

and nothing else. Many, however maintained that the exhibiter

himself regulated the movements of the figure by mechanical means

operating through the feet of the box. Others again, spoke

confidently of a magnet. Of the first of these opinions we shall

say nothing at present more than we have already said. In

relation to the second it is only necessary to repeat what we

have before stated, that the machine is rolled about on castors,

and will, at the request of a spectator, be moved to and fro to

any portion of the room, even during the progress of a game. The

supposition of the magnet is also untenable—for if a magnet were

the agent, any other magnet in the pocket of a spectator would

disarrange the entire mechanism. The exhibiter, however, will

suffer the most powerful loadstone to remain even upon the box

during the whole of the exhibition.

The first attempt at a written explanation of the secret, at

least the first attempt of which we ourselves have any knowledge,

was made in a large pamphlet printed at Paris in 1785. The

author’s hypothesis amounted to this—that a dwarf actuated the

machine. This dwarf he supposed to conceal himself during the

opening of the box by thrusting his legs into two hollow

cylinders, which were represented to be (but which are not) among

the machinery in the cupboard No. I, while his body was out of

the box entirely, and covered by the drapery of the Turk. When

the doors were shut, the dwarf was enabled to bring his body

within the box—the noise produced by some portion of the

machinery allowing him to do so unheard, and also to close the

door by which he entered. The interior of the automaton being

then exhibited, and no person discovered, the spectators, says

the author of this pamphlet, are satisfied that no one is within

any portion of the machine. This whole hypothesis was too

obviously absurd to require comment, or refutation, and

accordingly we find that it attracted very little attention.

In 1789 a book was published at Dresden by M. I. F. Freyhere in

which another endeavor was made to unravel the mystery. Mr.

Freyhere’s book was a pretty large one, and copiously illustrated

by colored engravings. His supposition was that “a well-taught

boy very thin and tall of his age (sufficiently so that he could

be concealed in a drawer almost immediately under the

chess-board”) played the game of chess and effected all the

evolutions of the Automaton. This idea, although even more silly

than that of the Parisian author, met with a better reception,

and was in some measure believed to be the true solution of the

wonder, until the inventor put an end to the discussion by

suffering a close examination of the top of the box.

These bizarre attempts at explanation were followed by others

equally bizarre. Of late years however, an anonymous writer, by a

course of reasoning exceedingly unphilosophical, has contrived to

blunder upon a plausible solution—although we cannot consider it

altogether the true one. His Essay was first published in a

Baltimore weekly paper, was illustrated by cuts, and was entitled

“An attempt to analyze the Automaton Chess-Player of M. Maelzel.”

This Essay we suppose to have been the original of the _pamphlet

to _which Sir David Brewster alludes in his letters on Natural

Magic, and which he has no hesitation in declaring a thorough and

satisfactory explanation. The _results _of the analysis are

undoubtedly, in the main, just; but we can only account for

Brewster’s pronouncing the Essay a thorough and satisfactory

explanation, by supposing him to have bestowed upon it a very

cursory and inattentive perusal. In the compendium of the Essay,

made use of in the Letters on Natural Magic, it is quite

impossible to arrive at any distinct conclusion in regard to the

adequacy or inadequacy of the analysis, on account of the gross

misarrangement and deficiency of the letters of reference

employed. The same fault is to be found in the “Attempt &c.,” as

we originally saw it. The solution consists in a series of minute

explanations, (accompanied by wood-cuts, the whole occupying many

pages) in which the object is to show the _possibility _of _so

shifting the partitions _of the box, as to allow a human being,

concealed in the interior, to move portions of his body from one

part of the box to another, during the exhibition of the

mechanism—thus eluding the scrutiny of the spectators. There can

be no doubt, as we have before observed, and as we will presently

endeavor to show, that the principle, or rather the result, of

this solution is the true one. Some person is concealed in the

box during the whole time of exhibiting the interior. We object,

however, to the whole verbose description of the _manner _in

which the partitions are shifted, to accommodate the movements of

the person concealed. We object to it as a mere theory assumed in

the first place, and to which circumstances are afterwards made

to adapt themselves. It was not, and could not have been, arrived

at by any inductive reasoning. In whatever way the shifting is

managed, it is of course concealed at every step from

observation. To show that certain movements might possibly be

effected in a certain way, is very far from showing that they are

actually so effected. There may be an infinity of other methods

by which the same results may be obtained. The probability of the

one assumed proving the correct one is then as unity to infinity.

But, in reality, this particular point, the shifting of the

partitions, is of no consequence whatever. It was altogether

unnecessary to devote seven or eight pages for the purpose of

proving what no one in his senses would deny—viz: that the

wonderful mechanical genius of Baron Kempelen could invent the

necessary means for shutting a door or slipping aside a pannel,

with a human agent too at his service in actual contact with the

pannel or the door, and the whole operations carried on, as the

author of the Essay himself shows, and as we shall attempt to

show more fully hereafter, entirely out of reach of the

observation of the spectators.

In attempting ourselves an explanation of the Automaton, we will,

in the first place, endeavor to show how its operations are

effected, and afterwards describe, as briefly as possible, the

nature of the _observations _from which we have deduced our

result.

It will be necessary for a proper understanding of the subject,

that we repeat here in a few words, the routine adopted by the

exhibiter in disclosing the interior of the box—a routine from

which he _never _deviates in any material particular. In the

first place he opens the door No. I. Leaving this open, he goes

round to the rear of the box, and opens a door precisely at the

back of door No. I. To this back door he holds a lighted candle.

He then _closes the back door, _locks it, and, coming round to

the front, opens the drawer to its full extent. This done, he

opens the doors No. 2 and No. 3, (the folding doors) and displays

the interior of the main compartment. Leaving open the main

compartment, the drawer, and the front door of cupboard No. I, he

now goes to the rear again, and throws open the back door of the

main compartment. In shutting up the box no particular order is

observed, except that the folding doors are always closed before

the drawer.

Now, let us suppose that when the machine is first rolled into

the presence of the spectators, a man is already within it. His

body is situated behind the dense machinery in cupboard No. T.

(the rear portion of which machinery is so contrived as to slip

_en masse, _from the main compartment to the cupboard No. I, as

occasion may require,) and his legs lie at full length in the

main compartment. When Maelzel opens the door No. I, the man

within is not in any danger of discovery, for the keenest eye

cannot penetrate more than about two inches into the darkness

within. But the case is otherwise when the back door of the

cupboard No. I, is opened. A bright light then pervades the

cupboard, and the body of the man would be discovered if it were

there. But it is not. The putting the key in the lock of the back

door was a signal on hearing which the person concealed brought

his body forward to an angle as acute as possible—throwing it

altogether, or nearly so, into the main compartment. This,

however, is a painful position, and cannot be long maintained.

Accordingly we find that Maelzel _closes the back door. _This

being done, there is no reason why the body of the man may not

resume its former situation—for the cupboard is again so dark as

to defy scrutiny. The drawer is now opened, and the legs of the

person within drop down behind it in the space it formerly

occupied. {*4} There is, consequently, now no longer any part of

the man in the main compartment—his body being behind the

machinery in cupboard No. 1, and his legs in the space occupied

by the drawer. The exhibiter, therefore, finds himself at liberty

to display the main compartment. This he does—opening both its

back and front doors—and no person Is discovered. The spectators

are now satisfied that the whole of the box is exposed to

view—and exposed too, all portions of it at one and the same

time. But of course this is not the case. They neither see the

space behind the drawer, nor the interior of cupboard No. 1—the

front door of which latter the exhibiter virtually shuts in

shutting its back door. Maelzel, having now rolled the machine

around, lifted up the drapery of the Turk, opened the doors in

his back and thigh, and shown his trunk to be full of machinery,

brings the whole back into its original position, and closes the

doors. The man within is now at liberty to move about. He gets up

into the body of the Turk just so high as to bring his eyes above

the level of the chess-board. It is very probable that he seats

himself upon the little square block or protuberance which is

seen in a corner of the main compartment when the doors are open.

In this position he sees the chess-board through the bosom of the

Turk which is of gauze. Bringing his right arm across his breast

he actuates the little machinery necessary to guide the left arm

and the fingers of the figure. This machinery is situated just

beneath the left shoulder of the Turk, and is consequently easily

reached by the right hand of the man concealed, if we suppose his

right arm brought across the breast. The motions of the head and

eyes, and of the right arm of the figure, as well as the sound

_echec _are produced by other mechanism in the interior, and

actuated at will by the man within. The whole of this

mechanism—that is to say all the mechanism essential to the

machine—is most probably contained within the little cupboard (of

about six inches in breadth) partitioned off at the right (the

spectators’ right) of the main compartment.

In this analysis of the operations of the Automaton, we have

purposely avoided any allusion to the manner in which the

partitions are shifted, and it will now be readily comprehended

that this point is a matter of no importance, since, by mechanism

within the ability of any common carpenter, it might be effected

in an infinity of different ways, and since we have shown that,

however performed, it is performed out of the view of the

spectators. Our result is founded upon the following

_observations _taken during frequent visits to the exhibition of

Maelzel. {*5}

I. The moves of the Turk are not made at regular intervals of

time, but accommodate themselves to the moves of the

antagonist—although this point (of regularity) so important in

all kinds of mechanical contrivance, might have been readily

brought about by limiting the time allowed for the moves of the

antagonist. For example, if this limit were three minutes, the

moves of the Automaton might be made at any given intervals

longer than three minutes. The fact then of irregularity, when

regularity might have been so easily attained, goes to prove that

regularity is unimportant to the action of the Automaton—in other

words, that the Automaton is not a _pure machine._

2. When the Automaton is about to move a piece, a distinct motion

is observable just beneath the left shoulder, and which motion

agitates in a slight degree, the drapery covering the front of

the left shoulder. This motion invariably precedes, by about two

seconds, the movement of the arm itself—and the arm never, in any

instance, moves without this preparatory motion in the shoulder.

Now let the antagonist move a piece, and let the corresponding

move be made by Maelzel, as usual, upon the board of the

Automaton. Then let the antagonist narrowly watch the Automaton,

until he detect the preparatory motion in the shoulder.

Immediately upon detecting this motion, and before the arm itself

begins to move, let him withdraw his piece, as if perceiving an

error in his manœuvre. It will then be seen that the movement of

the arm, which, in all other cases, immediately succeeds the

motion in the shoulder, is withheld—is not made—although Maelzel

has not yet performed, on the board of the Automaton, any move

corresponding to the withdrawal of the antagonist. In this case,

that the Automaton was about to move is evident—and that he did

not move, was an effect plainly produced by the withdrawal of the

antagonist, and without any intervention of Maelzel.

This fact fully proves, 1—that the intervention of Maelzel, in

performing the moves of the antagonist on the board of the

Automaton, is not essential to the movements of the Automaton,

2—that its movements are regulated by _mind—_by some person who

sees the board of the antagonist, 3—that its movements are not

regulated by the mind of Maelzel, whose back was turned towards

the antagonist at the withdrawal of his move.

3. The Automaton does not invariably win the game. Were the

machine a pure machine this would not be the case—it would always

win. The _principle _being discovered by which a machine can be

made to _play _a game of chess, an extension of the same

principle would enable it to win a game—a farther extension would

enable it to win _all _games—that is, to beat any possible game

of an antagonist. A little consideration will convince any one

that the difficulty of making a machine beat all games, Is not in

the least degree greater, as regards the principle of the

operations necessary, than that of making it beat a single game.

If then we regard the Chess-Player as a machine, we must suppose,

(what is highly improbable,) that its inventor preferred leaving

it incomplete to perfecting it—a supposition rendered still more

absurd, when we reflect that the leaving it incomplete would

afford an argument against the possibility of its being a pure

machine—the very argument we now adduce.

4. When the situation of the game is difficult or complex, we

never perceive the Turk either shake his head or roll his eyes.

It is only when his next move is obvious, or when the game is so

circumstanced that to a man in the Automaton’s place there would

be no necessity for reflection. Now these peculiar movements of

the head and eyes are movements customary with persons engaged in

meditation, and the ingenious Baron Kempelen would have adapted

these movements (were the machine a pure machine) to occasions

proper for their display—that is, to occasions of complexity. But

the reverse is seen to be the case, and this reverse applies

precisely to our supposition of a man in the interior. When

engaged in meditation about the game he has no time to think of

setting in motion the mechanism of the Automaton by which are

moved the head and the eyes. When the game, however, is obvious,

he has time to look about him, and, accordingly, we see the head

shake and the eyes roll.

5. When the machine is rolled round to allow the spectators an

examination of the back of the Turk, and when his drapery is

lifted up and the doors in the trunk and thigh thrown open, the

interior of the trunk is seen to be crowded with machinery. In

scrutinizing this machinery while the Automaton was in motion,

that is to say while the whole machine was moving on the castors,

it appeared to us that certain portions of the mechanism changed

their shape and position in a degree too great to be accounted

for by the simple laws of perspective; and subsequent

examinations convinced us that these undue alterations were

attributable to mirrors in the interior of the trunk. The

introduction of mirrors among the machinery could not have been

intended to influence, in any degree, the machinery itself. Their

operation, whatever that operation should prove to be, must

necessarily have reference to the eye of the spectator. We at

once concluded that these mirrors were so placed to multiply to

the vision some few pieces of machinery within the trunk so as to

give it the appearance of being crowded with mechanism. Now the

direct inference from this is that the machine is not a pure

machine. For if it were, the inventor, so far from wishing its

mechanism to appear complex, and using deception for the purpose

of giving it this appearance, would have been especially desirous

of convincing those who witnessed his exhibition, of the

_simplicity _of the means by which results so wonderful were

brought about.

6. The external appearance, and, especially, the deportment of

the Turk, are, when we consider them as imitations of _life, _but

very indifferent imitations. The countenance evinces no

ingenuity, and is surpassed, in its resemblance to the human

face, by the very commonest of wax-works. The eyes roll

unnaturally in the head, without any corresponding motions of the

lids or brows. The arm, particularly, performs its operations in

an exceedingly stiff, awkward, jerking, and rectangular manner.

Now, all this is the result either of inability in Maelzel to do

better, or of intentional neglect—accidental neglect being out of

the question, when we consider that the whole time of the

ingenious proprietor is occupied in the improvement of his

machines. Most assuredly we must not refer the unlife-like

appearances to inability—for all the rest of Maelzel’s automata

are evidence of his full ability to copy the motions and

peculiarities of life with the most wonderful exactitude. The

rope-dancers, for example, are inimitable. When the clown laughs,

his lips, his eyes, his eye-brows, and eyelids—indeed, all the

features of his countenance—are imbued with their appropriate

expressions. In both him and his companion, every gesture is so

entirely easy, and free from the semblance of artificiality,

that, were it not for the diminutiveness of their size, and the

fact of their being passed from one spectator to another previous

to their exhibition on the rope, it would be difficult to

convince any assemblage of persons that these wooden automata

were not living creatures. We cannot, therefore, doubt Mr.

Maelzel’s ability, and we must necessarily suppose that he

intentionally suffered his Chess Player to remain the same

artificial and unnatural figure which Baron Kempelen (no doubt

also through design) originally made it. What this design was it

is not difficult to conceive. Were the Automaton life-like in its

motions, the spectator would be more apt to attribute its

operations to their true cause, (that is, to human agency within)

than he is now, when the awkward and rectangular manœuvres convey

the idea of pure and unaided mechanism.

7. When, a short time previous to the commencement of the game,

the Automaton is wound up by the exhibiter as usual, an ear in

any degree accustomed to the sounds produced in winding up a

system of machinery, will not fail to discover, instantaneously,

that the axis turned by the key in the box of the Chess-Player,

cannot possibly be connected with either a weight, a spring, or

any system of machinery whatever. The inference here is the same

as in our last observation. The winding up is inessential to the

operations of the Automaton, and is performed with the design of

exciting in the spectators the false idea of mechanism.

8. When the question is demanded explicitly of Maelzel—“Is the

Automaton a pure machine or not?” his reply is invariably the

same—“I will say nothing about it.” Now the notoriety of the

Automaton, and the great curiosity it has every where excited,

are owing more especially to the prevalent opinion that it is a

pure machine, than to any other circumstance. Of course, then, it

is the interest of the proprietor to represent it as a pure

machine. And what more obvious, and more effectual method could

there be of impressing the spectators with this desired idea,

than a positive and explicit declaration to that effect? On the

other hand, what more obvious and effectual method could there be

of exciting a disbelief in the Automaton’s being a pure machine,

than by withholding such explicit declaration? For, people will

naturally reason thus,—It is Maelzel’s interest to represent this

thing a pure machine—he refuses to do so, directly, in words,

although he does not scruple, and is evidently anxious to do so,

indirectly by actions—were it actually what he wishes to

represent it by actions, he would gladly avail himself of the

more direct testimony of words—the inference is, that a

consciousness of its not being a pure machine, is the reason of

his silence—his actions cannot implicate him in a falsehood—his

words may.

9. When, in exhibiting the interior of the box, Maelzel has

thrown open the door No. I, and also the door immediately behind

it, he holds a lighted candle at the back door (as mentioned

above) and moves the entire machine to and fro with a view of

convincing the company that the cupboard No. 1 is entirely filled

with machinery. When the machine is thus moved about, it will be

apparent to any careful observer, that whereas that portion of

the machinery near the front door No. 1, is perfectly steady and

unwavering, the portion farther within fluctuates, in a very

slight degree, with the movements of the machine. This

circumstance first aroused in us the suspicion that the more

remote portion of the machinery was so arranged as to be easily

slipped, _en masse, _from its position when occasion should

require it. This occasion we have already stated to occur when

the man concealed within brings his body into an erect position

upon the closing of the back door.

10. Sir David Brewster states the figure of the Turk to be of the

size of life—but in fact it is far above the ordinary size.

Nothing is more easy than to err in our notions of magnitude. The

body of the Automaton is generally insulated, and, having no

means of immediately comparing it with any human form, we suffer

ourselves to consider it as of ordinary dimensions. This mistake

may, however, be corrected by observing the Chess-Player when, as

is sometimes the case, the exhibiter approaches it. Mr. Maelzel,

to be sure, is not very tall, but upon drawing near the machine,

his head will be found at least eighteen inches below the head of

the Turk, although the latter, it will be remembered, is in a

sitting position.

11. The box behind which the Automaton is placed, is precisely

three feet six inches long, two feet four inches deep, and two

feet six inches high. These dimensions are fully sufficient for

the accommodation of a man very much above the common size—and

the main compartment alone is capable of holding any ordinary man

in the position we have mentioned as assumed by the person

concealed. As these are facts, which any one who doubts them may

prove by actual calculation, we deem it unnecessary to dwell upon

them. We will only suggest that, although the top of the box is

apparently a board of about three inches in thickness, the

spectator may satisfy himself by stooping and looking up at it

when the main compartment is open, that it is in reality very

thin. The height of the drawer also will be misconceived by those

who examine it in a cursory manner. There is a space of about

three inches between the top of the drawer as seen from the

exterior, and the bottom of the cupboard—a space which must be

included in the height of the drawer. These contrivances to make

the room within the box appear less than it actually is, are

referrible to a design on the part of the inventor, to impress

the company again with a false idea, viz. that no human being can

be accommodated within the box.

12. The interior of the main compartment is lined throughout with

_cloth. _This cloth we suppose to have a twofold object. A

portion of _it _may form, when tightly stretched, the only

partitions which there is any necessity for removing during the

changes of the man’s position, viz: the partition between the

rear of the main compartment and the rear of the cupboard No. 1,

and the partition between the main compartment, and the space

behind the drawer when open. If we imagine this to be the case,

the difficulty of shifting the partitions vanishes at once, if

indeed any such difficulty could be supposed under any

circumstances to exist. The second object of the cloth is to

deaden and render indistinct all sounds occasioned by the

movements of the person within.

13. The antagonist (as we have before observed) is not suffered

to play at the board of the Automaton, but is seated at some

distance from the machine. The reason which, most probably, would

be assigned for this circumstance, if the question were demanded,

is, that were the antagonist otherwise situated, his person would

intervene between the machine and the spectators, and preclude

the latter from a distinct view. But this difficulty might be

easily obviated, either by elevating the seats of the company, or

by turning the end of the box towards them during the game. The

true cause of the restriction is, perhaps, very different. Were

the antagonist seated in contact with the box, the secret would

be liable to discovery, by his detecting, with the aid of a quick

car, the breathings of the man concealed.

14. Although M. Maelzel, in disclosing the interior of the

machine, sometimes slightly deviates from the _routine _which we

have pointed out, yet _reeler in _any instance does he _so

_deviate from it as to interfere with our solution. For example,

he has been known to open, first of all, the drawer—but he never

opens the main compartment without first closing the back door of

cupboard No. 1—he never opens the main compartment without first

pulling out the drawer—he never shuts the drawer without first

shutting the main compartment—he never opens the back door of

cupboard No. 1 while the main compartment is open—and the game of

chess is never commenced until the whole machine is closed. Now

if it were observed that _never, in any single instance, _did M.

Maelzel differ from the routine we have pointed out as necessary

to our solution, it would be one of the strongest possible

arguments in corroboration of it—but the argument becomes

infinitely strengthened if we duly consider the circumstance that

he _does occasionally _deviate from the routine but never does

_so _deviate as to falsify the solution.

15. There are six candles on the board of the Automaton during

exhibition. The question naturally arises—“Why are so many

employed, when a single candle, or, at farthest, two, would have

been amply sufficient to afford the spectators a clear view of

the board, in a room otherwise so well lit up as the exhibition

room always is—when, moreover, if we suppose the machine a _pure

machine, _there can be no necessity for so much light, or indeed

any light at all, to enable _it _to perform its operations—and

when, especially, only a single candle is placed upon the table

of the antagonist?” The first and most obvious inference is, that

so strong a light is requisite to enable the man within to see

through the transparent material (probably fine gauze) of which

the breast of the Turk is composed. But when we consider the

arrangement of the candles, another reason immediately presents

itself. There are six lights (as we have said before) in all.

Three of these are on each side of the figure. Those most remote

from the spectators are the longest—those in the middle are about

two inches shorter—and those nearest the company about two inches

shorter still—and the candles on one side differ in height from

the candles respectively opposite on the other, by a ratio

different from two inches—that is to say, the longest candle on

one side is about three inches shorter than the longest candle on

the other, and so on. Thus it will be seen that no two of the

candles are of the same height, and thus also the difficulty of

ascertaining the _material _of the breast of the figure (against

which the light is especially directed) is greatly augmented by

the dazzling effect of the complicated crossings of the

rays—crossings which are brought about by placing the centres of

radiation all upon different levels.

16. While the Chess-Player was in possession of Baron Kempelen,

it was more than once observed, first, that an Italian in the

suite of the Baron was never visible during the playing of a game

at chess by the Turk, and, secondly, that the Italian being taken

seriously ill, the exhibition was suspended until his recovery.

This Italian professed a _total _ignorance of the game of chess,

although all others of the suite played well. Similar

observations have been made since the Automaton has been

purchased by Maelzel. There is a man, _Schlumberoer, _who attends

him wherever he goes, but who has no ostensible occupation other

than that of assisting in the packing and unpacking of the

automata. This man is about the medium size, and has a remarkable

stoop in the shoulders. Whether he professes to play chess or

not, we are not informed. It is quite certain, however, that he

is never to be seen during the exhibition of the Chess-Player,

although frequently visible just before and just after the

exhibition. Moreover, some years ago Maelzel visited Richmond

with his automata, and exhibited them, we believe, in the house

now occupied by M. Bossieux as a Dancing Academy. _Schlumberg_er

was suddenly taken ill, and during his illness there was no

exhibition of the Chess-Player. These facts are well known to

many of our citizens. The reason assigned for the suspension of

the Chess-Player’s performances, was _not _the illness of

_Schlumberger. _The inferences from all this we leave, without

farther comment, to the reader.

17. The Turk plays with his _left_ arm. A circumstance so

remarkable cannot be accidental. Brewster takes no notice of it

whatever beyond a mere statement, we believe, that such is the

fact. The early writers of treatises on the Automaton, seem not

to have observed the matter at all, and have no reference to it.

The author of the pamphlet alluded to by Brewster, mentions it,

but acknowledges his inability to account for it. Yet it is

obviously from such prominent discrepancies or incongruities as

this that deductions are to be made (if made at all) which shall

lead us to the truth.

The circumstance of the Automaton’s playing with his left hand

cannot have connexion with the operations of the machine,

considered merely as such. Any mechanical arrangement which would

cause the figure to move, in any given manner, the left

arm—could, if reversed, cause it to move, in the same manner, the

right. But these principles cannot be extended to the human

organization, wherein there is a marked and radical difference in

the construction, and, at all events, in the powers, of the right

and left arms. Reflecting upon this latter fact, we naturally

refer the incongruity noticeable in the Chess-Player to this

peculiarity in the human organization. If so, we must imagine

some _reversion—_for the Chess-Player plays precisely as a man

_would not. _These ideas, once entertained, are sufficient of

themselves, to suggest the notion of a man in the interior. A few

more imperceptible steps lead us, finally, to the result. The

Automaton plays with his left arm, because under no other

circumstances could the man within play with his right—a

_desideratum _of course. Let us, for example, imagine the

Automaton to play with his right arm. To reach the machinery

which moves the arm, and which we have before explained to lie

just beneath the shoulder, it would be necessary for the man

within either to use his right arm in an exceedingly painful and

awkward position, (viz. brought up close to his body and tightly

compressed between his body and the side of the Automaton,) or

else to use his left arm brought across his breast. In neither

case could he act with the requisite ease or precision. On the

contrary, the Automaton playing, as it actually does, with the

left arm, all difficulties vanish. The right arm of the man

within is brought across his breast, and his right fingers act,

without any constraint, upon the machinery in the shoulder of the

figure.

We do not believe that any reasonable objections can be urged

against this solution of the Automaton Chess-Player.

THE POWER OF WORDS

OINOS. Pardon, Agathos, the weakness of a spirit new-fledged with

immortality!

AGATHOS. You have spoken nothing, my Oinos, for which pardon is

to be demanded. Not even here is knowledge a thing of intuition.

For wisdom, ask of the angels freely, that it may be given!

OINOS. But in this existence, I dreamed that I should be at once

cognizant of all things, and thus at once be happy in being

cognizant of all.

AGATHOS. Ah, not in knowledge is happiness, but in the

acquisition of knowledge! In for ever knowing, we are for ever

blessed; but to know all were the curse of a fiend.

OINOS. But does not The Most High know all?

AGATHOS. That (since he is The Most Happy) must be still the one

thing unknown even to Him.

OINOS. But, since we grow hourly in knowledge, must not at last

all things be known?

AGATHOS. Look down into the abysmal distances!—attempt to force

the gaze down the multitudinous vistas of the stars, as we sweep

slowly through them thus—and thus—and thus! Even the spiritual

vision, is it not at all points arrested by the continuous golden

walls of the universe?—the walls of the myriads of the shining

bodies that mere number has appeared to blend into unity?

OINOS. I clearly perceive that the infinity of matter is no

dream.

AGATHOS. There are _no_ dreams in Aidenn—but it is here whispered

that, of this infinity of matter, the _sole_ purpose is to afford

infinite springs, at which the soul may allay the thirst _to

know_, which is for ever unquenchable within it—since to quench

it, would be to extinguish the soul’s self. Question me then, my

Oinos, freely and without fear. Come! we will leave to the left

the loud harmony of the Pleiades, and swoop outward from the

throne into the starry meadows beyond Orion, where, for pansies

and violets, and heart’s-ease, are the beds of the triplicate and

triple-tinted suns.

OINOS. And now, Agathos, as we proceed, instruct me!—speak to me

in the earth’s familiar tones. I understand not what you hinted

to me, just now, of the modes or of the method of what, during

mortality, we were accustomed to call Creation. Do you mean to

say that the Creator is not God?

AGATHOS. I mean to say that the Deity does not create.

OINOS. Explain.

AGATHOS. In the beginning only, he created. The seeming creatures

which are now, throughout the universe, so perpetually springing

into being, can only be considered as the mediate or indirect,

not as the direct or immediate results of the Divine creative

power.

OINOS. Among men, my Agathos, this idea would be considered

heretical in the extreme.

AGATHOS. Among angels, my Oinos, it is seen to be simply true.

OINOS. I can comprehend you thus far—that certain operations of

what we term Nature, or the natural laws, will, under certain

conditions, give rise to that which has all the _appearance_ of

creation. Shortly before the final overthrow of the earth, there

were, I well remember, many very successful experiments in what

some philosophers were weak enough to denominate the creation of

animalculæ.

AGATHOS. The cases of which you speak were, in fact, instances of

the secondary creation—and of the only species of creation which

has ever been, since the first word spoke into existence the

first law.

OINOS. Are not the starry worlds that, from the abyss of

nonentity, burst hourly forth into the heavens—are not these

stars, Agathos, the immediate handiwork of the King?

AGATHOS. Let me endeavor, my Oinos, to lead you, step by step, to

the conception I intend. You are well aware that, as no thought

can perish, so no act is without infinite result. We moved our

hands, for example, when we were dwellers on the earth, and, in

so doing, gave vibration to the atmosphere which engirdled it.

This vibration was indefinitely extended, till it gave impulse to

every particle of the earth’s air, which thenceforward, and for

ever, was actuated by the one movement of the hand. This fact the

mathematicians of our globe well knew. They made the special

effects, indeed, wrought in the fluid by special impulses, the

subject of exact calculation—so that it became easy to determine

in what precise period an impulse of given extent would engirdle

the orb, and impress (for ever) every atom of the atmosphere

circumambient. Retrograding, they found no difficulty, from a

given effect, under given conditions, in determining the value of

the original impulse. Now the mathematicians who saw that the

results of any given impulse were absolutely endless—and who saw

that a portion of these results were accurately traceable through

the agency of algebraic analysis—who saw, too, the facility of

the retrogradation—these men saw, at the same time, that this

species of analysis itself, had within itself a capacity for

indefinite progress—that there were no bounds conceivable to its

advancement and applicability, except within the intellect of him

who advanced or applied it. But at this point our mathematicians

paused.

OINOS. And why, Agathos, should they have proceeded?

AGATHOS. Because there were some considerations of deep interest

beyond. It was deducible from what they knew, that to a being of

infinite understanding—one to whom the perfection of the

algebraic analysis lay unfolded—there could be no difficulty in

tracing every impulse given the air—and the ether through the

air—to the remotest consequences at any even infinitely remote

epoch of time. It is indeed demonstrable that every such impulse

given the air, must, in the end, impress every individual thing

that exists within the universe;—and the being of infinite

understanding—the being whom we have imagined—might trace the

remote undulations of the impulse—trace them upward and onward in

their influences upon all particles of an matter—upward and

onward for ever in their modifications of old forms—or, in other

words, in their creation of new—until he found them

reflected—unimpressive at last—back from the throne of the

Godhead. And not only could such a thing do this, but at any

epoch, should a given result be afforded him—should one of these

numberless comets, for example, be presented to his inspection—he

could have no difficulty in determining, by the analytic

retrogradation, to what original impulse it was due. This power

of retrogradation in its absolute fulness and perfection—this

faculty of referring at all epochs, all effects to all causes—is

of course the prerogative of the Deity alone—but in every variety

of degree, short of the absolute perfection, is the power itself

exercised by the whole host of the Angelic intelligences.

OINOS. But you speak merely of impulses upon the air.

AGATHOS. In speaking of the air, I referred only to the earth;

but the general proposition has reference to impulses upon the

ether—which, since it pervades, and alone pervades all space, is

thus the great medium of creation.

OINOS. Then all motion, of whatever nature, creates?

AGATHOS. It must: but a true philosophy has long taught that the

source of all motion is thought—and the source of all thought is—

OINOS. God.

AGATHOS. I have spoken to you, Oinos, as to a child of the fair

Earth which lately perished—of impulses upon the atmosphere of

the Earth.

OINOS. You did.

AGATHOS. And while I thus spoke, did there not cross your mind

some thought of the physical power of words? Is not every word an

impulse on the air?

OINOS. But why, Agathos, do you weep—and why, oh why do your

wings droop as we hover above this fair star—which is the

greenest and yet most terrible of all we have encountered in our

flight? Its brilliant flowers look like a fairy dream—but its

fierce volcanoes like the passions of a turbulent heart.

AGATHOS. They are!—they are! This wild star—it is now three

centuries since, with clasped hands, and with streaming eyes, at

the feet of my beloved—I spoke it—with a few passionate

sentences—into birth. Its brilliant flowers are the dearest of

all unfulfilled dreams, and its raging volcanoes are the passions

of the most turbulent and unhallowed of hearts.

THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA

Μελλοντα ταυτα.—SOPHOCLES—_Antig._

“These things are in the near future.”

_ Una._ “Born again?”

_ Monos._ Yes, fairest and best beloved Una, “born again.” These

were the words upon whose mystical meaning I had so long

pondered, rejecting the explanations of the priesthood, until

Death himself resolved for me the secret.

_Una._ Death!

_Monos._ How strangely, sweet Una, you echo my words! I observe,

too, a vacillation in your step—a joyous inquietude in your eyes.

You are confused and oppressed by the majestic novelty of the

Life Eternal. Yes, it was of Death I spoke. And here how

singularly sounds that word which of old was wont to bring terror

to all hearts—throwing a mildew upon all pleasures!

_Una._ Ah, Death, the spectre which sate at all feasts! How

often, Monos, did we lose ourselves in speculations upon its

nature! How mysteriously did it act as a check to human

bliss—saying unto it “thus far, and no farther!” That earnest

mutual love, my own Monos, which burned within our bosoms—how

vainly did we flatter ourselves, feeling happy in its first

up-springing, that our happiness would strengthen with its

strength! Alas! as it grew, so grew in our hearts the dread of

that evil hour which was hurrying to separate us forever! Thus,

in time, it became painful to love. Hate would have been mercy

then.

_Monos._ Speak not here of these griefs, dear Una—mine, mine,

forever now!

_ Una._ But the memory of past sorrow—is it not present joy? I

have much to say yet of the things which have been. Above all, I

burn to know the incidents of your own passage through the dark

Valley and Shadow.

_ Monos._ And when did the radiant Una ask anything of her Monos

in vain? I will be minute in relating all—but at what point shall

the weird narrative begin?

_Una._ At what point?

_Monos._ You have said.

_Una._ Monos, I comprehend you. In Death we have both learned the

propensity of man to define the indefinable. I will not say,

then, commence with the moment of life’s cessation—but commence

with that sad, sad instant when, the fever having abandoned you,

you sank into a breathless and motionless torpor, and I pressed

down your pallid eyelids with the passionate fingers of love.

_ Monos._ One word first, my Una, in regard to man’s general

condition at this epoch. You will remember that one or two of the

wise among our forefathers—wise in fact, although not in the

world’s esteem—had ventured to doubt the propriety of the term

“improvement,” as applied to the progress of our civilization.

There were periods in each of the five or six centuries

immediately preceding our dissolution, when arose some vigorous

intellect, boldly contending for those principles whose truth

appears now, to our disenfranchised reason, so utterly

obvious—principles which should have taught our race to submit to

the guidance of the natural laws, rather than attempt their

control. At long intervals some masterminds appeared, looking

upon each advance in practical science as a retro-gradation in

the true utility. Occasionally the poetic intellect—that

intellect which we now feel to have been the most exalted of

all—since those truths which to us were of the most enduring

importance could only be reached by that analogy which speaks in

proof tones to the imagination alone and to the unaided reason

bears no weight—occasionally did this poetic intellect proceed a

step farther in the evolving of the vague idea of the

philosophic, and find in the mystic parable that tells of the

tree of knowledge, and of its forbidden fruit, death-producing, a

distinct intimation that knowledge was not meet for man in the

infant condition of his soul. And these men—the poets—living and

perishing amid the scorn of the “utilitarians”—of rough pedants,

who arrogated to themselves a title which could have been

properly applied only to the scorned—these men, the poets,

pondered piningly, yet not unwisely, upon the ancient days when

our wants were not more simple than our enjoyments were keen—days

when mirth was a word unknown, so solemnly deep-toned was

happiness—holy, august and blissful days, when blue rivers ran

undammed, between hills unhewn, into far forest solitudes,

primæval, odorous, and unexplored.

Yet these noble exceptions from the general misrule served but to

strengthen it by opposition. Alas! we had fallen upon the most

evil of all our evil days. The great “movement”—that was the cant

term—went on: a diseased commotion, moral and physical. Art—the

Arts—arose supreme, and, once enthroned, cast chains upon the

intellect which had elevated them to power. Man, because he could

not but acknowledge the majesty of Nature, fell into childish

exultation at his acquired and still-increasing dominion over her

elements. Even while he stalked a God in his own fancy, an

infantine imbecility came over him. As might be supposed from the

origin of his disorder, he grew infected with system, and with

abstraction. He enwrapped himself in generalities. Among other

odd ideas, that of universal equality gained ground; and in the

face of analogy and of God—in despite of the loud warning voice

of the laws of _gradation_ so visibly pervading all things in

Earth and Heaven—wild attempts at an omni-prevalent Democracy

were made. Yet this evil sprang necessarily from the leading

evil—Knowledge. Man could not both know and succumb. Meantime

huge smoking cities arose, innumerable. Green leaves shrank

before the hot breath of furnaces. The fair face of Nature was

deformed as with the ravages of some loathsome disease. And

methinks, sweet Una, even our slumbering sense of the forced and

of the far-fetched might have arrested us here. But now it

appears that we had worked out our own destruction in the

perversion of our taste, or rather in the blind neglect of its

culture in the schools. For, in truth, it was at this crisis that

taste alone—that faculty which, holding a middle position between

the pure intellect and the moral sense, could never safely have

been disregarded—it was now that taste alone could have led us

gently back to Beauty, to Nature, and to Life. But alas for the

pure contemplative spirit and majestic intuition of Plato! Alas

for the μουσικη which he justly regarded as an all-sufficient

education for the soul! Alas for him and for it!—since both were

most desperately needed when both were most entirely forgotten or

despised. {*1}

Pascal, a philosopher whom we both love, has said, how

truly!—“que tout notre raisonnement se rèduit à céder au

sentiment;” and it is not impossible that the sentiment of the

natural, had time permitted it, would have regained its old

ascendancy over the harsh mathematical reason of the schools. But

this thing was not to be. Prematurely induced by intemperance of

knowledge the old age of the world drew on. This the mass of

mankind saw not, or, living lustily although unhappily, affected

not to see. But, for myself, the Earth’s records had taught me to

look for widest ruin as the price of highest civilization. I had

imbibed a prescience of our Fate from comparison of China the

simple and enduring, with Assyria the architect, with Egypt the

astrologer, with Nubia, more crafty than either, the turbulent

mother of all Arts. In history {*2} of these regions I met with a

ray from the Future. The individual artificialities of the three

latter were local diseases of the Earth, and in their individual

overthrows we had seen local remedies applied; but for the

infected world at large I could anticipate no regeneration save

in death. That man, as a race, should not become extinct, I saw

that he must be “born again.”

And now it was, fairest and dearest, that we wrapped our spirits,

daily, in dreams. Now it was that, in twilight, we discoursed of

the days to come, when the Art-scarred surface of the Earth,

having undergone that purification {*3} which alone could efface

its rectangular obscenities, should clothe itself anew in the

verdure and the mountain-slopes and the smiling waters of

Paradise, and be rendered at length a fit dwelling-place for

man:—for man the Death purged—for man to whose now exalted

intellect there should be poison in knowledge no more—for the

redeemed, regenerated, blissful, and now immortal, but still for

the material, man.

_Una._ Well do I remember these conversations, dear Monos; but

the epoch of the fiery overthrow was not so near at hand as we

believed, and as the corruption you indicate did surely warrant

us in believing. Men lived; and died individually. You yourself

sickened, and passed into the grave; and thither your constant

Una speedily followed you. And though the century which has since

elapsed, and whose conclusion brings us thus together once more,

tortured our slumbering senses with no impatience of duration,

yet, my Monos, it was a century still.

_Monos._ Say, rather, a point in the vague infinity.

Unquestionably, it was in the Earth’s dotage that I died. Wearied

at heart with anxieties which had their origin in the general

turmoil and decay, I succumbed to the fierce fever. After some

few days of pain, and many of dreamy delirium replete with

ecstasy, the manifestations of which you mistook for pain, while

I longed but was impotent to undeceive you—after some days there

came upon me, as you have said, a breathless and motionless

torpor; and this was termed Death by those who stood around me.

Words are vague things. My condition did not deprive me of

sentience. It appeared to me not greatly dissimilar to the

extreme quiescence of him, who, having slumbered long and

profoundly, lying motionless and fully prostrate in a midsummer

noon, begins to steal slowly back into consciousness, through the

mere sufficiency of his sleep, and without being awakened by

external disturbances.

I breathed no longer. The pulses were still. The heart had ceased

to beat. Volition had not departed, but was powerless. The senses

were unusually active, although eccentrically so—assuming often

each other’s functions at random. The taste and the smell were

inextricably confounded, and became one sentiment, abnormal and

intense. The rose-water with which your tenderness had moistened

my lips to the last, affected me with sweet fancies of

flowers—fantastic flowers, far more lovely than any of the old

Earth, but whose prototypes we have here blooming around us. The

eyelids, transparent and bloodless, offered no complete

impediment to vision. As volition was in abeyance, the balls

could not roll in their sockets but all objects within the range

of the visual hemisphere were seen with more or less

distinctness; the rays which fell upon the external retina, or

into the corner of the eye, producing a more vivid effect than

those which struck the front or interior surface. Yet, in the

former instance, this effect was so far anomalous that I

appreciated it only as sound—sound sweet or discordant as the

matters presenting themselves at my side were light or dark in

shade—curved or angular in outline. The hearing, at the same

time, although excited in degree, was not irregular in

action—estimating real sounds with an extravagance of precision,

not less than of sensibility. Touch had undergone a modification

more peculiar. Its impressions were tardily received, but

pertinaciously retained, and resulted always in the highest

physical pleasure. Thus the pressure of your sweet fingers upon

my eyelids, at first only recognised through vision, at length,

long after their removal, filled my whole being with a sensual

delight immeasurable. I say with a sensual delight. All my

perceptions were purely sensual. The materials furnished the

passive brain by the senses were not in the least degree wrought

into shape by the deceased understanding. Of pain there was some

little; of pleasure there was much; but of moral pain or pleasure

none at all. Thus your wild sobs floated into my ear with all

their mournful cadences, and were appreciated in their every

variation of sad tone; but they were soft musical sounds and no

more; they conveyed to the extinct reason no intimation of the

sorrows which gave them birth; while the large and constant tears

which fell upon my face, telling the bystanders of a heart which

broke, thrilled every fibre of my frame with ecstasy alone. And

this was in truth the Death of which these bystanders spoke

reverently, in low whispers—you, sweet Una, gaspingly, with loud

cries.

They attired me for the coffin—three or four dark figures which

flitted busily to and fro. As these crossed the direct line of my

vision they affected me as forms; but upon passing to my side

their images impressed me with the idea of shrieks, groans, and

other dismal expressions of terror, of horror, or of wo. You

alone, habited in a white robe, passed in all directions

musically about me.

The day waned; and, as its light faded away, I became possessed

by a vague uneasiness—an anxiety such as the sleeper feels when

sad real sounds fall continuously within his ear—low distant

bell-tones, solemn, at long but equal intervals, and mingling

with melancholy dreams. Night arrived; and with its shadows a

heavy discomfort. It oppressed my limbs with the oppression of

some dull weight, and was palpable. There was also a moaning

sound, not unlike the distant reverberation of surf, but more

continuous, which, beginning with the first twilight, had grown

in strength with the darkness. Suddenly lights were brought into

the room, and this reverberation became forthwith interrupted

into frequent unequal bursts of the same sound, but less dreary

and less distinct. The ponderous oppression was in a great

measure relieved; and, issuing from the flame of each lamp, (for

there were many,) there flowed unbrokenly into my ears a strain

of melodious monotone. And when now, dear Una, approaching the

bed upon which I lay outstretched, you sat gently by my side,

breathing odor from your sweet lips, and pressing them upon my

brow, there arose tremulously within my bosom, and mingling with

the merely physical sensations which circumstances had called

forth, a something akin to sentiment itself—a feeling that, half

appreciating, half responded to your earnest love and sorrow; but

this feeling took no root in the pulseless heart, and seemed

indeed rather a shadow than a reality, and faded quickly away,

first into extreme quiescence, and then into a purely sensual

pleasure as before.

And now, from the wreck and the chaos of the usual senses, there

appeared to have arisen within me a sixth, all perfect. In its

exercise I found a wild delight—yet a delight still physical,

inasmuch as the understanding had in it no part. Motion in the

animal frame had fully ceased. No muscle quivered; no nerve

thrilled; no artery throbbed. But there seemed to have sprung up

in the brain, that of which no words could convey to the merely

human intelligence even an indistinct conception. Let me term it

a mental pendulous pulsation. It was the moral embodiment of

man’s abstract idea of Time. By the absolute equalization of this

movement—or of such as this—had the cycles of the firmamental

orbs themselves, been adjusted. By its aid I measured the

irregularities of the clock upon the mantel, and of the watches

of the attendants. Their tickings came sonorously to my ears. The

slightest deviations from the true proportion—and these

deviations were omni-prevalent—affected me just as violations of

abstract truth were wont, on earth, to affect the moral sense.

Although no two of the time-pieces in the chamber struck the

individual seconds accurately together, yet I had no difficulty

in holding steadily in mind the tones, and the respective

momentary errors of each. And this—this keen, perfect,

self-existing sentiment of duration—this sentiment existing (as

man could not possibly have conceived it to exist) independently

of any succession of events—this idea—this sixth sense,

upspringing from the ashes of the rest, was the first obvious and

certain step of the intemporal soul upon the threshold of the

temporal Eternity.

It was midnight; and you still sat by my side. All others had

departed from the chamber of Death. They had deposited me in the

coffin. The lamps burned flickeringly; for this I knew by the

tremulousness of the monotonous strains. But, suddenly these

strains diminished in distinctness and in volume. Finally they

ceased. The perfume in my nostrils died away. Forms affected my

vision no longer. The oppression of the Darkness uplifted itself

from my bosom. A dull shock like that of electricity pervaded my

frame, and was followed by total loss of the idea of contact. All

of what man has termed sense was merged in the sole consciousness

of entity, and in the one abiding sentiment of duration. The

mortal body had been at length stricken with the hand of the

deadly Decay.

Yet had not all of sentience departed; for the consciousness and

the sentiment remaining supplied some of its functions by a

lethargic intuition. I appreciated the direful change now in

operation upon the flesh, and, as the dreamer is sometimes aware

of the bodily presence of one who leans over him, so, sweet Una,

I still dully felt that you sat by my side. So, too, when the

noon of the second day came, I was not unconscious of those

movements which displaced you from my side, which confined me

within the coffin, which deposited me within the hearse, which

bore me to the grave, which lowered me within it, which heaped

heavily the mould upon me, and which thus left me, in blackness

and corruption, to my sad and solemn slumbers with the worm.

And here, in the prison-house which has few secrets to disclose,

there rolled away days and weeks and months; and the soul watched

narrowly each second as it flew, and, without effort, took record

of its flight—without effort and without object.

A year passed. The consciousness of being had grown hourly more

indistinct, and that of mere locality had, in great measure,

usurped its position. The idea of entity was becoming merged in

that of place. The narrow space immediately surrounding what had

been the body, was now growing to be the body itself. At length,

as often happens to the sleeper (by sleep and its world alone is

Death imaged)—at length, as sometimes happened on Earth to the

deep slumberer, when some flitting light half startled him into

awaking, yet left him half enveloped in dreams—so to me, in the

strict embrace of the Shadow came that light which alone might

have had power to startle—the light of enduring Love. Men toiled

at the grave in which I lay darkling. They upthrew the damp

earth. Upon my mouldering bones there descended the coffin of

Una.

And now again all was void. That nebulous light had been

extinguished. That feeble thrill had vibrated itself into

quiescence. Many lustra had supervened. Dust had returned to

dust. The worm had food no more. The sense of being had at length

utterly departed, and there reigned in its stead—instead of all

things—dominant and perpetual—the autocrats Place and Time. For

that which was not—for that which had no form—for that which had

no thought—for that which had no sentience—for that which was

soulless, yet of which matter formed no portion—for all this

nothingness, yet for all this immortality, the grave was still a

home, and the corrosive hours, co-mates.

THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMION

Πυρ σοι προσοισω.

I will bring fire to thee.

—EURIPIDES—_Androm._

EIROS.

Why do you call me Eiros?

CHARMION.

So henceforward will you always be called. You must forget too,

my earthly name, and speak to me as Charmion.

EIROS.

This is indeed no dream!

CHARMION.

Dreams are with us no more; but of these mysteries anon. I

rejoice to see you looking life-like and rational. The film of

the shadow has already passed from off your eyes. Be of heart and

fear nothing. Your allotted days of stupor have expired and,

to-morrow, I will myself induct you into the full joys and

wonders of your novel existence.

EIROS.

True—I feel no stupor—none at all. The wild sickness and the

terrible darkness have left me, and I hear no longer that mad,

rushing, horrible sound, like the “voice of many waters.” Yet my

senses are bewildered, Charmion, with the keenness of their

perception of the new.

CHARMION.

A few days will remove all this;—but I fully understand you, and

feel for you. It is now ten earthly years since I underwent what

you undergo—yet the remembrance of it hangs by me still. You have

now suffered all of pain, however, which you will suffer in

Aidenn.

EIROS.

In Aidenn?

CHARMION.

In Aidenn.

EIROS.

Oh God!—pity me, Charmion!—I am overburthened with the majesty of

all things—of the unknown now known—of the speculative Future

merged in the august and certain Present.

CHARMION.

Grapple not now with such thoughts. To-morrow we will speak of

this. Your mind wavers, and its agitation will find relief in the

exercise of simple memories. Look not around, nor forward—but

back. I am burning with anxiety to hear the details of that

stupendous event which threw you among us. Tell me of it. Let us

converse of familiar things, in the old familiar language of the

world which has so fearfully perished.

EIROS.

Most fearfully, fearfully!—this is indeed no dream.

CHARMION.

Dreams are no more. Was I much mourned, my Eiros?

EIROS.

Mourned, Charmion?—oh deeply. To that last hour of all, there

hung a cloud of intense gloom and devout sorrow over your

household.

CHARMION.

And that last hour—speak of it. Remember that, beyond the naked

fact of the catastrophe itself, I know nothing. When, coming out

from among mankind, I passed into Night through the Grave—at that

period, if I remember aright, the calamity which overwhelmed you

was utterly unanticipated. But, indeed, I knew little of the

speculative philosophy of the day.

EIROS.

The individual calamity was as you say entirely unanticipated;

but analogous misfortunes had been long a subject of discussion

with astronomers. I need scarce tell you, my friend, that, even

when you left us, men had agreed to understand those passages in

the most holy writings which speak of the final destruction of

all things by fire, as having reference to the orb of the earth

alone. But in regard to the immediate agency of the ruin,

speculation had been at fault from that epoch in astronomical

knowledge in which the comets were divested of the terrors of

flame. The very moderate density of these bodies had been well

established. They had been observed to pass among the satellites

of Jupiter, without bringing about any sensible alteration either

in the masses or in the orbits of these secondary planets. We had

long regarded the wanderers as vapory creations of inconceivable

tenuity, and as altogether incapable of doing injury to our

substantial globe, even in the event of contact. But contact was

not in any degree dreaded; for the elements of all the comets

were accurately known. That among them we should look for the

agency of the threatened fiery destruction had been for many

years considered an inadmissible idea. But wonders and wild

fancies had been, of late days, strangely rife among mankind;

and, although it was only with a few of the ignorant that actual

apprehension prevailed, upon the announcement by astronomers of a

new comet, yet this announcement was generally received with I

know not what of agitation and mistrust.

The elements of the strange orb were immediately calculated, and

it was at once conceded by all observers, that its path, at

perihelion, would bring it into very close proximity with the

earth. There were two or three astronomers, of secondary note,

who resolutely maintained that a contact was inevitable. I cannot

very well express to you the effect of this intelligence upon the

people. For a few short days they would not believe an assertion

which their intellect so long employed among worldly

considerations could not in any manner grasp. But the truth of a

vitally important fact soon makes its way into the understanding

of even the most stolid. Finally, all men saw that astronomical

knowledge lied not, and they awaited the comet. Its approach was

not, at first, seemingly rapid; nor was its appearance of very

unusual character. It was of a dull red, and had little

perceptible train. For seven or eight days we saw no material

increase in its apparent diameter, and but a partial alteration

in its color. Meantime, the ordinary affairs of men were

discarded and all interests absorbed in a growing discussion,

instituted by the philosophic, in respect to the cometary nature.

Even the grossly ignorant aroused their sluggish capacities to

such considerations. The learned now gave their intellect—their

soul—to no such points as the allaying of fear, or to the

sustenance of loved theory. They sought—they panted for right

views. They groaned for perfected knowledge. Truth arose in the

purity of her strength and exceeding majesty, and the wise bowed

down and adored.

That material injury to our globe or to its inhabitants would

result from the apprehended contact, was an opinion which hourly

lost ground among the wise; and the wise were now freely

permitted to rule the reason and the fancy of the crowd. It was

demonstrated, that the density of the comet’s nucleus was far

less than that of our rarest gas; and the harmless passage of a

similar visitor among the satellites of Jupiter was a point

strongly insisted upon, and which served greatly to allay terror.

Theologists with an earnestness fear-enkindled, dwelt upon the

biblical prophecies, and expounded them to the people with a

directness and simplicity of which no previous instance had been

known. That the final destruction of the earth must be brought

about by the agency of fire, was urged with a spirit that

enforced every where conviction; and that the comets were of no

fiery nature (as all men now knew) was a truth which relieved

all, in a great measure, from the apprehension of the great

calamity foretold. It is noticeable that the popular prejudices

and vulgar errors in regard to pestilences and wars—errors which

were wont to prevail upon every appearance of a comet—were now

altogether unknown. As if by some sudden convulsive exertion,

reason had at once hurled superstition from her throne. The

feeblest intellect had derived vigor from excessive interest.

What minor evils might arise from the contact were points of

elaborate question. The learned spoke of slight geological

disturbances, of probable alterations in climate, and

consequently in vegetation, of possible magnetic and electric

influences. Many held that no visible or perceptible effect would

in any manner be produced. While such discussions were going on,

their subject gradually approached, growing larger in apparent

diameter, and of a more brilliant lustre. Mankind grew paler as

it came. All human operations were suspended.

There was an epoch in the course of the general sentiment when

the comet had attained, at length, a size surpassing that of any

previously recorded visitation. The people now, dismissing any

lingering hope that the astronomers were wrong, experienced all

the certainty of evil. The chimerical aspect of their terror was

gone. The hearts of the stoutest of our race beat violently

within their bosoms. A very few days sufficed, however, to merge

even such feelings in sentiments more unendurable We could no

longer apply to the strange orb any accustomed thoughts. Its

historical attributes had disappeared. It oppressed us with a

hideous novelty of emotion. We saw it not as an astronomical

phenomenon in the heavens, but as an incubus upon our hearts, and

a shadow upon our brains. It had taken, with inconceivable

rapidity, the character of a gigantic mantle of rare flame,

extending from horizon to horizon.

Yet a day, and men breathed with greater freedom. It was clear

that we were already within the influence of the comet; yet we

lived. We even felt an unusual elasticity of frame and vivacity

of mind. The exceeding tenuity of the object of our dread was

apparent; for all heavenly objects were plainly visible through

it. Meantime, our vegetation had perceptibly altered; and we

gained faith, from this predicted circumstance, in the foresight

of the wise. A wild luxuriance of foliage, utterly unknown

before, burst out upon every vegetable thing.

Yet another day—and the evil was not altogether upon us. It was

now evident that its nucleus would first reach us. A wild change

had come over all men; and the first sense of pain was the wild

signal for general lamentation and horror. This first sense of

pain lay in a rigorous constriction of the breast and lungs, and

an insufferable dryness of the skin. It could not be denied that

our atmosphere was radically affected; the conformation of this

atmosphere and the possible modifications to which it might be

subjected, were now the topics of discussion. The result of

investigation sent an electric thrill of the intensest terror

through the universal heart of man.

It had been long known that the air which encircled us was a

compound of oxygen and nitrogen gases, in the proportion of

twenty-one measures of oxygen, and seventy-nine of nitrogen in

every one hundred of the atmosphere. Oxygen, which was the

principle of combustion, and the vehicle of heat, was absolutely

necessary to the support of animal life, and was the most

powerful and energetic agent in nature. Nitrogen, on the

contrary, was incapable of supporting either animal life or

flame. An unnatural excess of oxygen would result, it had been

ascertained in just such an elevation of the animal spirits as we

had latterly experienced. It was the pursuit, the extension of

the idea, which had engendered awe. What would be the result of a

total extraction of the nitrogen? A combustion irresistible,

all-devouring, omni-prevalent, immediate;—the entire fulfilment,

in all their minute and terrible details, of the fiery and

horror-inspiring denunciations of the prophecies of the Holy

Book.

Why need I paint, Charmion, the now disenchained frenzy of

mankind? That tenuity in the comet which had previously inspired

us with hope, was now the source of the bitterness of despair. In

its impalpable gaseous character we clearly perceived the

consummation of Fate. Meantime a day again passed—bearing away

with it the last shadow of Hope. We gasped in the rapid

modification of the air. The red blood bounded tumultuously

through its strict channels. A furious delirium possessed all

men; and, with arms rigidly outstretched towards the threatening

heavens, they trembled and shrieked aloud. But the nucleus of the

destroyer was now upon us; even here in Aidenn, I shudder while I

speak. Let me be brief—brief as the ruin that overwhelmed. For a

moment there was a wild lurid light alone, visiting and

penetrating all things. Then—let us bow down, Charmion, before

the excessive majesty of the great God!—then, there came a

shouting and pervading sound, as if from the mouth itself of HIM;

while the whole incumbent mass of ether in which we existed,

burst at once into a species of intense flame, for whose

surpassing brilliancy and all-fervid heat even the angels in the

high Heaven of pure knowledge have no name. Thus ended all.

SHADOW—A PARABLE

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the _Shadow._

—_Psalm of David_.

Ye who read are still among the living; but I who write shall

have long since gone my way into the region of shadows. For

indeed strange things shall happen, and secret things be known,

and many centuries shall pass away, ere these memorials be seen

of men. And, when seen, there will be some to disbelieve, and

some to doubt, and yet a few who will find much to ponder upon in

the characters here graven with a stylus of iron.

The year had been a year of terror, and of feelings more intense

than terror for which there is no name upon the earth. For many

prodigies and signs had taken place, and far and wide, over sea

and land, the black wings of the Pestilence were spread abroad.

To those, nevertheless, cunning in the stars, it was not unknown

that the heavens wore an aspect of ill; and to me, the Greek

Oinos, among others, it was evident that now had arrived the

alternation of that seven hundred and ninety-fourth year when, at

the entrance of Aries, the planet Jupiter is conjoined with the

red ring of the terrible Saturnus. The peculiar spirit of the

skies, if I mistake not greatly, made itself manifest, not only

in the physical orb of the earth, but in the souls, imaginations,

and meditations of mankind.

Over some flasks of the red Chian wine, within the walls of a

noble hall, in a dim city called Ptolemais, we sat, at night, a

company of seven. And to our chamber there was no entrance save

by a lofty door of brass: and the door was fashioned by the

artisan Corinnos, and, being of rare workmanship, was fastened

from within. Black draperies, likewise, in the gloomy room, shut

out from our view the moon, the lurid stars, and the peopleless

streets—but the boding and the memory of Evil, they would not be

so excluded. There were things around us and about of which I can

render no distinct account—things material and

spiritual—heaviness in the atmosphere—a sense of

suffocation—anxiety—and, above all, that terrible state of

existence which the nervous experience when the senses are keenly

living and awake, and meanwhile the powers of thought lie

dormant. A dead weight hung upon us. It hung upon our limbs—upon

the household furniture—upon the goblets from which we drank; and

all things were depressed, and borne down thereby—all things save

only the flames of the seven lamps which illumined our revel.

Uprearing themselves in tall slender lines of light, they thus

remained burning all pallid and motionless; and in the mirror

which their lustre formed upon the round table of ebony at which

we sat, each of us there assembled beheld the pallor of his own

countenance, and the unquiet glare in the downcast eyes of his

companions. Yet we laughed and were merry in our proper way—which

was hysterical; and sang the songs of Anacreon—which are madness;

and drank deeply—although the purple wine reminded us of blood.

For there was yet another tenant of our chamber in the person of

young Zoilus. Dead, and at full length he lay, enshrouded; the

genius and the demon of the scene. Alas! he bore no portion in

our mirth, save that his countenance, distorted with the plague,

and his eyes, in which Death had but half extinguished the fire

of the pestilence, seemed to take such interest in our merriment

as the dead may haply take in the merriment of those who are to

die. But although I, Oinos, felt that the eyes of the departed

were upon me, still I forced myself not to perceive the

bitterness of their expression, and gazing down steadily into the

depths of the ebony mirror, sang with a loud and sonorous voice

the songs of the son of Teios. But gradually my songs they

ceased, and their echoes, rolling afar off among the sable

draperies of the chamber, became weak, and undistinguishable, and

so faded away. And lo! from among those sable draperies where the

sounds of the song departed, there came forth a dark and

undefined shadow—a shadow such as the moon, when low in heaven,

might fashion from the figure of a man: but it was the shadow

neither of man nor of God, nor of any familiar thing. And

quivering awhile among the draperies of the room, it at length

rested in full view upon the surface of the door of brass. But

the shadow was vague, and formless, and indefinite, and was the

shadow neither of man nor of God—neither God of Greece, nor God

of Chaldaea, nor any Egyptian God. And the shadow rested upon the

brazen doorway, and under the arch of the entablature of the

door, and moved not, nor spoke any word, but there became

stationary and remained. And the door whereupon the shadow rested

was, if I remember aright, over against the feet of the young

Zoilus enshrouded. But we, the seven there assembled, having seen

the shadow as it came out from among the draperies, dared not

steadily behold it, but cast down our eyes, and gazed continually

into the depths of the mirror of ebony. And at length I, Oinos,

speaking some low words, demanded of the shadow its dwelling and

its appellation. And the shadow answered, “I am SHADOW, and my

dwelling is near to the Catacombs of Ptolemais, and hard by those

dim plains of Helusion which border upon the foul Charonian

canal.” And then did we, the seven, start from our seats in

horror, and stand trembling, and shuddering, and aghast, for the

tones in the voice of the shadow were not the tones of any one

being, but of a multitude of beings, and, varying in their

cadences from syllable to syllable fell duskly upon our ears in

the well-remembered and familiar accents of many thousand

departed friends.

Volume 5. Volume 5

PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE.

In the internal decoration, if not in the external architecture of their

residences, the English are supreme. The Italians have but little

sentiment beyond marbles and colours. In France, _meliora probant,

deteriora _sequuntur—the people are too much a race of gadabouts

to maintain those household proprieties of which, indeed, they have a

delicate appreciation, or at least the elements of a proper sense. The

Chinese and most of the eastern races have a warm but inappropriate fancy.

The Scotch are _poor _decorists. The Dutch have, perhaps, an

indeterminate idea that a curtain is not a cabbage. In Spain they are _all

_curtains—a nation of hangmen. The Russians do not furnish. The

Hottentots and Kickapoos are very well in their way. The Yankees alone are

preposterous.

How this happens, it is not difficult to see. We have no aristocracy of

blood, and having therefore as a natural, and indeed as an inevitable

thing, fashioned for ourselves an aristocracy of dollars, the _display

of wealth _has here to take the place and perform the office of the

heraldic display in monarchical countries. By a transition readily

understood, and which might have been as readily foreseen, we have been

brought to merge in simple _show_ our notions of taste itself.

To speak less abstractly. In England, for example, no mere parade of

costly appurtenances would be so likely as with us, to create an

impression of the beautiful in respect to the appurtenances themselves—or

of taste as regards the proprietor:—this for the reason, first, that

wealth is not, in England, the loftiest object of ambition as constituting

a nobility; and secondly, that there, the true nobility of blood,

confining itself within the strict limits of legitimate taste, rather

avoids than affects that mere costliness in which a _parvenu _rivalry

may at any time be successfully attempted.

The people _will _imitate the nobles, and the result is a thorough

diffusion of the proper feeling. But in America, the coins current being

the sole arms of the aristocracy, their display may be said, in general,

to be the sole means of the aristocratic distinction; and the populace,

looking always upward for models, are insensibly led to confound the two

entirely separate ideas of magnificence and beauty. In short, the cost of

an article of furniture has at length come to be, with us, nearly the sole

test of its merit in a decorative point of view—and this test, once

established, has led the way to many analogous errors, readily traceable

to the one primitive folly.

There could be nothing more directly offensive to the eye of an artist

than the interior of what is termed in the United States—that is to

say, in Appallachia—a well-furnished apartment. Its most usual

defect is a want of keeping. We speak of the keeping of a room as we would

of the keeping of a picture—for both the picture and the room are

amenable to those undeviating principles which regulate all varieties of

art; and very nearly the same laws by which we decide on the higher merits

of a painting, suffice for decision on the adjustment of a chamber.

A want of keeping is observable sometimes in the character of the several

pieces of furniture, but generally in their colours or modes of adaptation

to use _Very _often the eye is offended by their inartistic

arrangement. Straight lines are too prevalent—too uninterruptedly

continued—or clumsily interrupted at right angles. If curved lines

occur, they are repeated into unpleasant uniformity. By undue precision,

the appearance of many a fine apartment is utterly spoiled.

Curtains are rarely well disposed, or well chosen in respect to other

decorations. With formal furniture, curtains are out of place; and an

extensive volume of drapery of any kind is, under any circumstance,

irreconcilable with good taste—the proper quantum, as well as the

proper adjustment, depending upon the character of the general effect.

Carpets are better understood of late than of ancient days, but we still

very frequently err in their patterns and colours. The soul of the

apartment is the carpet. From it are deduced not only the hues but the

forms of all objects incumbent. A judge at common law may be an ordinary

man; a good judge of a carpet _must be _a genius. Yet we have heard

discoursing of carpets, with the air “_d’un mouton qui reve,” _fellows

who should not and who could not be entrusted with the management of their

own _moustaches. _Every one knows that a large floor _may _have

a covering of large figures, and that a small one must have a covering of

small—yet this is not all the knowledge in the world. As regards

texture, the Saxony is alone admissible. Brussels is the preterpluperfect

tense of fashion, and Turkey is taste in its dying agonies. Touching

pattern—a carpet should _not _be bedizzened out like a Riccaree

Indian—all red chalk, yellow ochre, and cock’s feathers. In brief—distinct

grounds, and vivid circular or cycloid figures, _of no meaning, _are

here Median laws. The abomination of flowers, or representations of

well-known objects of any kind, should not be endured within the limits of

Christendom. Indeed, whether on carpets, or curtains, or tapestry, or

ottoman coverings, all upholstery of this nature should be rigidly

Arabesque. As for those antique floor-cloth & still occasionally seen

in the dwellings of the rabble—cloths of huge, sprawling, and

radiating devises, stripe-interspersed, and glorious with all hues, among

which no ground is intelligible—these are but the wicked invention

of a race of time-servers and money-lovers—children of Baal and

worshippers of Mammon—Benthams, who, to spare thought and economize

fancy, first cruelly invented the Kaleidoscope, and then established

joint-stock companies to twirl it by steam.

_Glare_ is a leading error in the philosophy of American household

decoration—an error easily recognised as deduced from the perversion

of taste just specified., We are violently enamoured of gas and of glass.

The former is totally inadmissible within doors. Its harsh and unsteady

light offends. No one having both brains and eyes will use it. A mild, or

what artists term a cool light, with its consequent warm shadows, will do

wonders for even an ill-furnished apartment. Never was a more lovely

thought than that of the astral lamp. We mean, of course, the astral lamp

proper—the lamp of Argand, with its original plain ground-glass

shade, and its tempered and uniform moonlight rays. The cut-glass shade is

a weak invention of the enemy. The eagerness with which we have adopted

it, partly on account of its _flashiness,_ but principally on account

of its _greater rest,_ is a good commentary on the proposition with

which we began. It is not too much to say, that the deliberate employer of

a cut-glass shade, is either radically deficient in taste, or blindly

subservient to the caprices of fashion. The light proceeding from one of

these gaudy abominations is unequal broken, and painful. It alone is

sufficient to mar a world of good effect in the furniture subjected to its

influence. Female loveliness, in especial, is more than one-half

disenchanted beneath its evil eye.

In the matter of glass, generally, we proceed upon false principles. Its

leading feature is _glitter—_and in that one word how much of

all that is detestable do we express! Flickering, unquiet lights, are _sometimes

_pleasing—to children and idiots always so—but in the

embellishment of a room they should be scrupulously avoided. In truth,

even strong _steady _lights are inadmissible. The huge and unmeaning

glass chandeliers, prism-cut, gas-lighted, and without shade, which dangle

in our most fashionable drawing-rooms, may be cited as the quintessence of

all that is false in taste or preposterous in folly.

The rage for _glitter-_because its idea has become as we before

observed, confounded with that of magnificence in the abstract—has

led us, also, to the exaggerated employment of mirrors. We line our

dwellings with great British plates, and then imagine we have done a fine

thing. Now the slightest thought will be sufficient to convince any one

who has an eye at all, of the ill effect of numerous looking-glasses, and

especially of large ones. Regarded apart from its reflection, the mirror

presents a continuous, flat, colourless, unrelieved surface,—a thing

always and obviously unpleasant. Considered as a reflector, it is potent

in producing a monstrous and odious uniformity: and the evil is here

aggravated, not in merely direct proportion with the augmentation of its

sources, but in a ratio constantly increasing. In fact, a room with four

or five mirrors arranged at random, is, for all purposes of artistic show,

a room of no shape at all. If we add to this evil, the attendant glitter

upon glitter, we have a perfect farrago of discordant and displeasing

effects. The veriest bumpkin, on entering an apartment so bedizzened,

would be instantly aware of something wrong, although he might be

altogether unable to assign a cause for his dissatisfaction. But let the

same person be led into a room tastefully furnished, and he would be

startled into an exclamation of pleasure and surprise.

It is an evil growing out of our republican institutions, that here a man

of large purse has usually a very little soul which he keeps in it. The

corruption of taste is a portion or a pendant of the dollar-manufacture.

As we grow rich, our ideas grow rusty. It is, therefore, not among _our

_aristocracy that we must look (if at all, in Appallachia), for the

spirituality of a British _boudoir. _But we have seen apartments in

the tenure of Americans of moderns [possibly “modest” or “moderate”]

means, which, in negative merit at least, might vie with any of the _or-molu’d

_cabinets of our friends across the water. Even _now_, there is

present to our mind’s eye a small and not, ostentatious chamber with whose

decorations no fault can be found. The proprietor lies asleep on a sofa—the

weather is cool—the time is near midnight: we will make a sketch of

the room during his slumber.

It is oblong—some thirty feet in length and twenty-five in breadth—a

shape affording the best(ordinary) opportunities for the adjustment of

furniture. It has but one door—by no means a wide one—which is

at one end of the parallelogram, and but two windows, which are at the

other. These latter are large, reaching down to the floor—have deep

recesses—and open on an Italian _veranda. _Their panes are of a

crimson-tinted glass, set in rose-wood framings, more massive than usual.

They are curtained within the recess, by a thick silver tissue adapted to

the shape of the window, and hanging loosely in small volumes. Without the

recess are curtains of an exceedingly rich crimson silk, fringed with a

deep network of gold, and lined with silver tissue, which is the material

of the exterior blind. There are no cornices; but the folds of the whole

fabric (which are sharp rather than massive, and have an airy appearance),

issue from beneath a broad entablature of rich giltwork, which encircles

the room at the junction of the ceiling and walls. The drapery is thrown

open also, or closed, by means of a thick rope of gold loosely enveloping

it, and resolving itself readily into a knot; no pins or other such

devices are apparent. The colours of the curtains and their fringe—the

tints of crimson and gold—appear everywhere in profusion, and

determine the _character _of the room. The carpet—of Saxony

material—is quite half an inch thick, and is of the same crimson

ground, relieved simply by the appearance of a gold cord (like that

festooning the curtains) slightly relieved above the surface of the _ground,

_and thrown upon it in such a manner as to form a succession of short

irregular curves—one occasionally overlaying the other. The walls

are prepared with a glossy paper of a silver gray tint, spotted with small

Arabesque devices of a fainter hue of the prevalent crimson. Many

paintings relieve the expanse of paper. These are chiefly landscapes of an

imaginative cast—such as the fairy grottoes of Stanfield, or the

lake of the Dismal Swamp of Chapman. There are, nevertheless, three or

four female heads, of an ethereal beauty-portraits in the manner of Sully.

The tone of each picture is warm, but dark. There are no “brilliant

effects.” _Repose _speaks in all. Not one is of small size.

Diminutive paintings give that _spotty _look to a room, which is the

blemish of so many a fine work of Art overtouched. The frames are broad

but not deep, and richly carved, without being _dulled _or filagreed.

They have the whole lustre of burnished gold. They lie flat on the walls,

and do not hang off with cords. The designs themselves are often seen to

better advantage in this latter position, but the general appearance of

the chamber is injured. But one mirror—and this not a very large one—is

visible. In shape it is nearly circular—and it is hung so that a

reflection of the person can be obtained from it in none of the ordinary

sitting-places of the room. Two large low sofas of rosewood and crimson

silk, gold-flowered, form the only seats, with the exception of two light

conversation chairs, also of rose-wood. There is a pianoforte (rose-wood,

also), without cover, and thrown open. An octagonal table, formed

altogether of the richest gold-threaded marble, is placed near one of the

sofas. This is also without cover—the drapery of the curtains has

been thought sufficient.. Four large and gorgeous Sevres vases, in which

bloom a profusion of sweet and vivid flowers, occupy the slightly rounded

angles of the room. A tall candelabrum, bearing a small antique lamp with

highly perfumed oil, is standing near the head of my sleeping friend. Some

light and graceful hanging shelves, with golden edges and crimson silk

cords with gold tassels, sustain two or three hundred magnificently bound

books. Beyond these things, there is no furniture, if we except an Argand

lamp, with a plain crimson-tinted ground glass shade, which depends from

He lofty vaulted ceiling by a single slender gold chain, and throws a

tranquil but magical radiance over all.

A TALE OF JERUSALEM

Intensos rigidam in frontem ascendere canos

Passus erat——

—Lucan—_De Catone_

——a bristly _bore_.

_Translation._

“Let us hurry to the walls,” said Abel-Phittim to Buzi-Ben-Levi and Simeon

the Pharisee, on the tenth day of the month Thammuz, in the year of the

world three thousand nine hundred and forty-one—“let us hasten to the

ramparts adjoining the gate of Benjamin, which is in the city of David,

and overlooking the camp of the uncircumcised; for it is the last hour of

the fourth watch, being sunrise; and the idolaters, in fulfilment of the

promise of Pompey, should be awaiting us with the lambs for the

sacrifices.”

Simeon, Abel-Phittim, and Duzi-Ben-Levi were the Gizbarim, or

sub-collectors of the offering, in the holy city of Jerusalem.

“Verily,” replied the Pharisee; “let us hasten: for this generosity in the

heathen is unwonted; and fickle-mindedness has ever been an attribute of

the worshippers of Baal.”

“That they are fickle-minded and treacherous is as true as the

Pentateuch,” said Buzi-Ben-Levi, “but that is only toward the people of

Adonai. When was it ever known that the Ammonites proved wanting to their

own interests? Methinks it is no great stretch of generosity to allow us

lambs for the altar of the Lord, receiving in lieu thereof thirty silver

shekels per head!”

“Thou forgettest, however, Ben-Levi,” replied Abel-Phittim, “that the

Roman Pompey, who is now impiously besieging the city of the Most High,

has no assurity that we apply not the lambs thus purchased for the altar,

to the sustenance of the body, rather than of the spirit.”

“Now, by the five corners of my beard!” shouted the Pharisee, who belonged

to the sect called The Dashers (that little knot of saints whose manner of

_dashing _and lacerating the feet against the pavement was long a

thorn and a reproach to less zealous devotees—a stumbling-block to less

gifted perambulators)—“by the five corners of that beard which, as a

priest, I am forbidden to shave!—have we lived to see the day when a

blaspheming and idolatrous upstart of Rome shall accuse us of

appropriating to the appetites of the flesh the most holy and consecrated

elements? Have we lived to see the day when—”

“Let us not question the motives of the Philistine,” interrupted

Abel-Phittim, “for to-day we profit for the first time by his avarice or

by his generosity; but rather let us hurry to the ramparts, lest offerings

should be wanting for that altar whose fire the rains of heaven can not

extinguish, and whose pillars of smoke no tempest can turn aside.”

That part of the city to which our worthy Gizbarim now hastened, and which

bore the name of its architect, King David, was esteemed the most strongly

fortified district of Jerusalem; being situated upon the steep and lofty

hill of Zion. Here, a broad, deep, circumvallatory trench, hewn from the

solid rock, was defended by a wall of great strength erected upon its

inner edge. This wall was adorned, at regular interspaces, by square

towers of white marble; the lowest sixty, and the highest one hundred and

twenty cubits in height. But, in the vicinity of the gate of Benjamin, the

wall arose by no means from the margin of the fosse. On the contrary,

between the level of the ditch and the basement of the rampart sprang up a

perpendicular cliff of two hundred and fifty cubits, forming part of the

precipitous Mount Moriah. So that when Simeon and his associates arrived

on the summit of the tower called Adoni-Bezek—the loftiest of all the

turrets around about Jerusalem, and the usual place of conference with the

besieging army—they looked down upon the camp of the enemy from an

eminence excelling by many feet that of the Pyramid of Cheops, and, by

several, that of the temple of Belus.

“Verily,” sighed the Pharisee, as he peered dizzily over the precipice,

“the uncircumcised are as the sands by the seashore—as the locusts in the

wilderness! The valley of the King hath become the valley of Adommin.”

“And yet,” added Ben-Levi, “thou canst not point me out a Philistine—no,

not one—from Aleph to Tau—from the wilderness to the battlements—who

seemeth any bigger than the letter Jod!”

“Lower away the basket with the shekels of silver!” here shouted a Roman

soldier in a hoarse, rough voice, which appeared to issue from the regions

of Pluto—“lower away the basket with the accursed coin which it has

broken the jaw of a noble Roman to pronounce! Is it thus you evince your

gratitude to our master Pompeius, who, in his condescension, has thought

fit to listen to your idolatrous importunities? The god Phœbus, who is a

true god, has been charioted for an hour—and were you not to be on the

ramparts by sunrise? Ædepol! do you think that we, the conquerors of the

world, have nothing better to do than stand waiting by the walls of every

kennel, to traffic with the dogs of the earth? Lower away! I say—and

see that your trumpery be bright in color and just in weight!”

“El Elohim!” ejaculated the Pharisee, as the discordant tones of the

centurion rattled up the crags of the precipice, and fainted away against

the temple—“El Elohim!—who is the god Phœbus?—whom doth

the blasphemer invoke? Thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi! who art read in the laws of

the Gentiles, and hast sojourned among them who dabble with the Teraphim!—is

it Nergal of whom the idolater speaketh?—or Ashimah?—or

Nibhaz,—or Tartak?—or Adramalech?—or Anamalech?—or

Succoth-Benith?—or Dagon?—or Belial?—or Baal-Perith?—or

Baal-Peor?—or Baal-Zebub?”

“Verily it is neither—but beware how thou lettest the rope slip too

rapidly through thy fingers; for should the wicker-work chance to hang on

the projection of yonder crag, there will be a woful outpouring of the

holy things of the sanctuary.”

By the assistance of some rudely constructed machinery, the heavily laden

basket was now carefully lowered down among the multitude; and, from the

giddy pinnacle, the Romans were seen gathering confusedly round it; but

owing to the vast height and the prevalence of a fog, no distinct view of

their operations could be obtained.

Half an hour had already elapsed.

“We shall be too late!” sighed the Pharisee, as at the expiration of this

period he looked over into the abyss—“we shall be too late! we shall be

turned out of office by the Katholim.”

“No more,” responded Abel-Phittim—“no more shall we feast upon the

fat of the land—no longer shall our beards be odorous with frankincense—our

loins girded up with fine linen from the Temple.”

“Raca!” swore Ben-Levi, “Raca! do they mean to defraud us of the purchase

money? or, Holy Moses! are they weighing the shekels of the tabernacle?”

“They have given the signal at last!” cried the Pharisee—“they

have given the signal at last! pull away, Abel-Phittim!—and thou,

Buzi-Ben-Levi, pull away!—for verily the Philistines have either

still hold upon the basket, or the Lord hath softened their hearts to

place therein a beast of good weight!” And the Gizbarim pulled away, while

their burden swung heavily upward through the still increasing mist.

“Booshoh he!”—as, at the conclusion of an hour, some object at the

extremity of the rope became indistinctly visible—“Booshoh he!” was

the exclamation which burst from the lips of Ben-Levi.

“Booshoh he!—for shame!—it is a ram from the thickets of

Engedi, and as rugged as the valley of Jehosaphat!”

“It is a firstling of the flock,” said Abel-Phittim, “I know him by the

bleating of his lips, and the innocent folding of his limbs. His eyes are

more beautiful than the jewels of the Pectoral, and his flesh is like the

honey of Hebron.”

“It is a fatted calf from the pastures of Bashan,” said the Pharisee, “the

heathen have dealt wonderfully with us——let us raise up our

voices in a psalm—let us give thanks on the shawm and on the

psaltery—on the harp and on the huggab—on the cythern and on the sackbut!”

It was not until the basket had arrived within a few feet of the Gizbarim

that a low grunt betrayed to their perception a _hog_ of no common size.

“Now El Emanu!” slowly and with upturned eyes ejaculated the trio, as,

letting go their hold, the emancipated porker tumbled headlong among the

Philistines, “El Emanu!—God be with us—it is _the unutterable

flesh!”_

THE SPHINX

During the dread reign of the cholera in New York, I had accepted the

invitation of a relative to spend a fortnight with him in the retirement

of his _cottage ornée_ on the banks of the Hudson. We had here around

us all the ordinary means of summer amusement; and what with rambling in

the woods, sketching, boating, fishing, bathing, music, and books, we

should have passed the time pleasantly enough, but for the fearful

intelligence which reached us every morning from the populous city. Not a

day elapsed which did not bring us news of the decease of some

acquaintance. Then as the fatality increased, we learned to expect daily

the loss of some friend. At length we trembled at the approach of every

messenger. The very air from the South seemed to us redolent with death.

That palsying thought, indeed, took entire possession of my soul. I could

neither speak, think, nor dream of any thing else. My host was of a less

excitable temperament, and, although greatly depressed in spirits, exerted

himself to sustain my own. His richly philosophical intellect was not at

any time affected by unrealities. To the substances of terror he was

sufficiently alive, but of its shadows he had no apprehension.

His endeavors to arouse me from the condition of abnormal gloom into which

I had fallen, were frustrated, in great measure, by certain volumes which

I had found in his library. These were of a character to force into

germination whatever seeds of hereditary superstition lay latent in my

bosom. I had been reading these books without his knowledge, and thus he

was often at a loss to account for the forcible impressions which had been

made upon my fancy.

A favorite topic with me was the popular belief in omens—a belief

which, at this one epoch of my life, I was almost seriously disposed to

defend. On this subject we had long and animated discussions—he

maintaining the utter groundlessness of faith in such matters,—I

contending that a popular sentiment arising with absolute

spontaneity—that is to say, without apparent traces of

suggestion—had in itself the unmistakable elements of truth, and

was entitled to as much respect as that intuition which is the

idiosyncrasy of the individual man of genius.

The fact is, that soon after my arrival at the cottage there had occurred

to myself an incident so entirely inexplicable, and which had in it so

much of the portentous character, that I might well have been excused for

regarding it as an omen. It appalled, and at the same time so confounded

and bewildered me, that many days elapsed before I could make up my mind

to communicate the circumstances to my friend.

Near the close of exceedingly warm day, I was sitting, book in hand, at an

open window, commanding, through a long vista of the river banks, a view

of a distant hill, the face of which nearest my position had been denuded

by what is termed a land-slide, of the principal portion of its trees. My

thoughts had been long wandering from the volume before me to the gloom

and desolation of the neighboring city. Uplifting my eyes from the page,

they fell upon the naked face of the bill, and upon an object—upon

some living monster of hideous conformation, which very rapidly made its

way from the summit to the bottom, disappearing finally in the dense

forest below. As this creature first came in sight, I doubted my own

sanity—or at least the evidence of my own eyes; and many minutes

passed before I succeeded in convincing myself that I was neither mad nor

in a dream. Yet when I described the monster (which I distinctly saw, and

calmly surveyed through the whole period of its progress), my readers, I

fear, will feel more difficulty in being convinced of these points than

even I did myself.

Estimating the size of the creature by comparison with the diameter of the

large trees near which it passed—the few giants of the forest which

had escaped the fury of the land-slide—I concluded it to be far

larger than any ship of the line in existence. I say ship of the line,

because the shape of the monster suggested the idea—the hull of one

of our seventy-four might convey a very tolerable conception of the

general outline. The mouth of the animal was situated at the extremity of

a proboscis some sixty or seventy feet in length, and about as thick as

the body of an ordinary elephant. Near the root of this trunk was an

immense quantity of black shaggy hair—more than could have been

supplied by the coats of a score of buffaloes; and projecting from this

hair downwardly and laterally, sprang two gleaming tusks not unlike those

of the wild boar, but of infinitely greater dimensions. Extending forward,

parallel with the proboscis, and on each side of it, was a gigantic staff,

thirty or forty feet in length, formed seemingly of pure crystal and in

shape a perfect prism,—it reflected in the most gorgeous manner the

rays of the declining sun. The trunk was fashioned like a wedge with the

apex to the earth. From it there were outspread two pairs of wings—each

wing nearly one hundred yards in length—one pair being placed above

the other, and all thickly covered with metal scales; each scale

apparently some ten or twelve feet in diameter. I observed that the upper

and lower tiers of wings were connected by a strong chain. But the chief

peculiarity of this horrible thing was the representation of a Death’s

Head, which covered nearly the whole surface of its breast, and which was

as accurately traced in glaring white, upon the dark ground of the body,

as if it had been there carefully designed by an artist. While I regarded

the terrific animal, and more especially the appearance on its breast,

with a feeling or horror and awe—with a sentiment of forthcoming

evil, which I found it impossible to quell by any effort of the reason, I

perceived the huge jaws at the extremity of the proboscis suddenly expand

themselves, and from them there proceeded a sound so loud and so

expressive of woe, that it struck upon my nerves like a knell and as the

monster disappeared at the foot of the hill, I fell at once, fainting, to

the floor.

Upon recovering, my first impulse, of course, was to inform my friend of

what I had seen and heard—and I can scarcely explain what feeling of

repugnance it was which, in the end, operated to prevent me.

At length, one evening, some three or four days after the occurrence, we

were sitting together in the room in which I had seen the apparition—I

occupying the same seat at the same window, and he lounging on a sofa near

at hand. The association of the place and time impelled me to give him an

account of the phenomenon. He heard me to the end—at first laughed

heartily—and then lapsed into an excessively grave demeanor, as if

my insanity was a thing beyond suspicion. At this instant I again had a

distinct view of the monster—to which, with a shout of absolute

terror, I now directed his attention. He looked eagerly—but

maintained that he saw nothing—although I designated minutely the

course of the creature, as it made its way down the naked face of the

hill.

I was now immeasurably alarmed, for I considered the vision either as an

omen of my death, or, worse, as the fore-runner of an attack of mania. I

threw myself passionately back in my chair, and for some moments buried my

face in my hands. When I uncovered my eyes, the apparition was no longer

apparent.

My host, however, had in some degree resumed the calmness of his demeanor,

and questioned me very rigorously in respect to the conformation of the

visionary creature. When I had fully satisfied him on this head, he sighed

deeply, as if relieved of some intolerable burden, and went on to talk,

with what I thought a cruel calmness, of various points of speculative

philosophy, which had heretofore formed subject of discussion between us.

I remember his insisting very especially (among other things) upon the

idea that the principle source of error in all human investigations lay in

the liability of the understanding to under-rate or to over-value the

importance of an object, through mere misadmeasurement of its

propinquity. “To estimate properly, for example,” he said, “the influence

to be exercised on mankind at large by the thorough diffusion of

Democracy, the distance of the epoch at which such diffusion may possibly

be accomplished should not fail to form an item in the estimate. Yet can

you tell me one writer on the subject of government who has ever thought

this particular branch of the subject worthy of discussion at all?”

He here paused for a moment, stepped to a book-case, and brought forth one

of the ordinary synopses of Natural History. Requesting me then to

exchange seats with him, that he might the better distinguish the fine

print of the volume, he took my armchair at the window, and, opening the

book, resumed his discourse very much in the same tone as before.

“But for your exceeding minuteness,” he said, “in describing the monster,

I might never have had it in my power to demonstrate to you what it was.

In the first place, let me read to you a schoolboy account of the genus

Sphinx, of the family Crepuscularia of the order Lepidoptera, of the class

of Insecta—or insects. The account runs thus:

“‘Four membranous wings covered with little colored scales of metallic

appearance; mouth forming a rolled proboscis, produced by an elongation of

the jaws, upon the sides of which are found the rudiments of mandibles and

downy palpi; the inferior wings retained to the superior by a stiff hair;

antennæ in the form of an elongated club, prismatic; abdomen pointed. The

Death’s-headed Sphinx has occasioned much terror among the vulgar,

at times, by the melancholy kind of cry which it utters, and the insignia

of death which it wears upon its corslet.’”

He here closed the book and leaned forward in the chair, placing himself

accurately in the position which I had occupied at the moment of beholding

“the monster.”

“Ah, here it is,” he presently exclaimed—“it is reascending the face

of the hill, and a very remarkable looking creature I admit it to be.

Still, it is by no means so large or so distant as you imagined it,—for

the fact is that, as it wriggles its way up this thread, which some spider

has wrought along the window-sash, I find it to be about the sixteenth of

an inch in its extreme length, and also about the sixteenth of an inch

distant from the pupil of my eye.”

HOP-FROG

I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed

to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to

tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his

seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers. They

all took after the king, too, in being large, corpulent, oily men, as well

as inimitable jokers. Whether people grow fat by joking, or whether there

is something in fat itself which predisposes to a joke, I have never been

quite able to determine; but certain it is that a lean joker is a rara

avis in terris.

About the refinements, or, as he called them, the “ghost” of wit, the king

troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in

a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it.

Over-niceties wearied him. He would have preferred Rabelais’ “Gargantua”

to the “Zadig” of Voltaire: and, upon the whole, practical jokes suited

his taste far better than verbal ones.

At the date of my narrative, professing jesters had not altogether gone

out of fashion at court. Several of the great continental “powers” still

retain their “fools,” who wore motley, with caps and bells, and who were

expected to be always ready with sharp witticisms, at a moment’s notice,

in consideration of the crumbs that fell from the royal table.

_Our_ king, as a matter of course, retained his “fool.” The fact is, he

_required_ something in the way of folly—if only to counterbalance the

heavy wisdom of the seven wise men who were his ministers—not to

mention himself.

His fool, or professional jester, was not only a fool, however. His value

was trebled in the eyes of the king, by the fact of his being also a dwarf

and a cripple. Dwarfs were as common at court, in those days, as fools;

and many monarchs would have found it difficult to get through their days

(days are rather longer at court than elsewhere) without both a jester to

laugh with, and a dwarf to laugh at. But, as I have already observed, your

jesters, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, are fat, round, and

unwieldy—so that it was no small source of self-gratulation with our

king that, in Hop-Frog (this was the fool’s name), he possessed a

triplicate treasure in one person.

I believe the name “Hop-Frog” was _not_ that given to the dwarf by his

sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of

the seven ministers, on account of his inability to walk as other men

do. In fact, Hop-Frog could only get along by a sort of interjectional

gait—something between a leap and a wriggle—a movement that

afforded illimitable amusement, and of course consolation, to the king,

for (notwithstanding the protuberance of his stomach and a constitutional

swelling of the head) the king, by his whole court, was accounted a

capital figure.

But although Hop-Frog, through the distortion of his legs, could move only

with great pain and difficulty along a road or floor, the prodigious

muscular power which nature seemed to have bestowed upon his arms, by way

of compensation for deficiency in the lower limbs, enabled him to perform

many feats of wonderful dexterity, where trees or ropes were in question,

or any thing else to climb. At such exercises he certainly much more

resembled a squirrel, or a small monkey, than a frog.

I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog

originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no

person ever heard of—a vast distance from the court of our king.

Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself

(although of exquisite proportions, and a marvellous dancer), had been

forcibly carried off from their respective homes in adjoining provinces,

and sent as presents to the king, by one of his ever-victorious generals.

Under these circumstances, it is not to be wondered at that a close

intimacy arose between the two little captives. Indeed, they soon became

sworn friends. Hop-Frog, who, although he made a great deal of sport, was

by no means popular, had it not in his power to render Trippetta many

services; but she, on account of her grace and exquisite beauty (although

a dwarf), was universally admired and petted; so she possessed much

influence; and never failed to use it, whenever she could, for the benefit

of Hop-Frog.

On some grand state occasion—I forgot what—the king determined

to have a masquerade, and whenever a masquerade or any thing of that kind,

occurred at our court, then the talents, both of Hop-Frog and Trippetta

were sure to be called into play. Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive

in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and

arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it

seems, without his assistance.

The night appointed for the fete had arrived. A gorgeous hall had been

fitted up, under Trippetta’s eye, with every kind of device which could

possibly give eclat to a masquerade. The whole court was in a fever of

expectation. As for costumes and characters, it might well be supposed

that everybody had come to a decision on such points. Many had made up

their minds (as to what roles they should assume) a week, or even a month,

in advance; and, in fact, there was not a particle of indecision anywhere—except

in the case of the king and his seven minsters. Why they hesitated I never

could tell, unless they did it by way of a joke. More probably, they found

it difficult, on account of being so fat, to make up their minds. At all

events, time flew; and, as a last resort they sent for Trippetta and

Hop-Frog.

When the two little friends obeyed the summons of the king they found him

sitting at his wine with the seven members of his cabinet council; but the

monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not

fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and

madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes,

and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink and (as the king called it)

“to be merry.”

“Come here, Hop-Frog,” said he, as the jester and his friend entered the

room; “swallow this bumper to the health of your absent friends, [here

Hop-Frog sighed,] and then let us have the benefit of your invention. We

want characters—characters, man—something novel—out of

the way. We are wearied with this everlasting sameness. Come, drink! the

wine will brighten your wits.”

Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances

from the king; but the effort was too much. It happened to be the poor

dwarf’s birthday, and the command to drink to his “absent friends” forced

the tears to his eyes. Many large, bitter drops fell into the goblet as he

took it, humbly, from the hand of the tyrant.

“Ah! ha! ha! ha!” roared the latter, as the dwarf reluctantly

drained the beaker. “See what a glass of good wine can do! Why,

your eyes are shining already!”

Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of

wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He

placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the

company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at

the success of the king’s ‘joke.’

“And now to business,” said the prime minister, a very fat man.

“Yes,” said the King; “Come, Hop-Frog, lend us your

assistance. Characters, my fine fellow; we stand in need of

characters—all of us—ha! ha! ha!” and as this was

seriously meant for a joke, his laugh was chorused by the seven.

Hop-Frog also laughed, although feebly and somewhat vacantly.

“Come, come,” said the king, impatiently, “have you nothing to suggest?”

“I am endeavoring to think of something novel,” replied the dwarf,

abstractedly, for he was quite bewildered by the wine.

“Endeavoring!” cried the tyrant, fiercely; “what do you

mean by _that?_ Ah, I perceive. You are sulky, and want more wine.

Here, drink this!” and he poured out another goblet full and

offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath.

“Drink, I say!” shouted the monster, “or by the

fiends—”

The dwarf hesitated. The king grew purple with rage. The courtiers

smirked. Trippetta, pale as a corpse, advanced to the monarch’s seat, and,

falling on her knees before him, implored him to spare her friend.

The tyrant regarded her, for some moments, in evident wonder at her

audacity. He seemed quite at a loss what to do or say—how most

becomingly to express his indignation. At last, without uttering a

syllable, he pushed her violently from him, and threw the contents of the

brimming goblet in her face.

The poor girl got up the best she could, and, not daring even to sigh,

resumed her position at the foot of the table.

There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling

of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard. It was interrupted by a

low, but harsh and protracted grating sound which seemed to come at once

from every corner of the room.

“What—what—what are you making that noise for?” demanded the

king, turning furiously to the dwarf.

The latter seemed to have recovered, in great measure, from his

intoxication, and looking fixedly but quietly into the tyrant’s face,

merely ejaculated:

“I—I? How could it have been me?”

“The sound appeared to come from without,” observed one of the courtiers.

“I fancy it was the parrot at the window, whetting his bill upon his

cage-wires.”

“True,” replied the monarch, as if much relieved by the suggestion; “but,

on the honor of a knight, I could have sworn that it was the gritting of

this vagabond’s teeth.”

Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object

to any one’s laughing), and displayed a set of large, powerful, and very

repulsive teeth. Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as

much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified; and having drained another

bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and

with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade.

“I cannot tell what was the association of idea,” observed he, very

tranquilly, and as if he had never tasted wine in his life, “but just

after your majesty, had struck the girl and thrown the wine in her face—just

after your majesty had done this, and while the parrot was making that odd

noise outside the window, there came into my mind a capital diversion—one

of my own country frolics—often enacted among us, at our

masquerades: but here it will be new altogether. Unfortunately, however,

it requires a company of eight persons and—”

“Here we are!” cried the king, laughing at his acute discovery of the

coincidence; “eight to a fraction—I and my seven ministers. Come!

what is the diversion?”

“We call it,” replied the cripple, “the Eight Chained Ourang-Outangs, and

it really is excellent sport if well enacted.”

“We will enact it,” remarked the king, drawing himself up, and lowering

his eyelids.

“The beauty of the game,” continued Hop-Frog, “lies in the fright it

occasions among the women.”

“Capital!” roared in chorus the monarch and his ministry.

“I will equip you as ourang-outangs,” proceeded the dwarf; “leave all that

to me. The resemblance shall be so striking, that the company of

masqueraders will take you for real beasts—and of course, they will

be as much terrified as astonished.”

“Oh, this is exquisite!” exclaimed the king. “Hop-Frog! I will make a man

of you.”

“The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their

jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers.

Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by

eight chained ourang-outangs, imagined to be real ones by most of the

company; and rushing in with savage cries, among the crowd of delicately

and gorgeously habited men and women. The _contrast_ is inimitable.”

“It must be,” said the king: and the council arose hurriedly (as it was

growing late), to put in execution the scheme of Hop-Frog.

His mode of equipping the party as ourang-outangs was very simple, but

effective enough for his purposes. The animals in question had, at the

epoch of my story, very rarely been seen in any part of the civilized

world; and as the imitations made by the dwarf were sufficiently

beast-like and more than sufficiently hideous, their truthfulness to

nature was thus thought to be secured.

The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet

shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. At this stage of

the process, some one of the party suggested feathers; but the suggestion

was at once overruled by the dwarf, who soon convinced the eight, by

ocular demonstration, that the hair of such a brute as the ourang-outang

was much more efficiently represented by _flax_. A thick coating of

the latter was accordingly plastered upon the coating of tar. A long

chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king,

_and tied;_ then about another of the party, and also tied; then

about all successively, in the same manner. When this chaining

arrangement was complete, and the party stood as far apart from each

other as possible, they formed a circle; and to make all things appear

natural, Hop-Frog passed the residue of the chain in two diameters, at

right angles, across the circle, after the fashion adopted, at the

present day, by those who capture chimpanzees, or other large apes, in

Borneo.

The grand saloon in which the masquerade was to take place, was a circular

room, very lofty, and receiving the light of the sun only through a single

window at top. At night (the season for which the apartment was especially

designed) it was illuminated principally by a large chandelier, depending

by a chain from the centre of the sky-light, and lowered, or elevated, by

means of a counter-balance as usual; but (in order not to look unsightly)

this latter passed outside the cupola and over the roof.

The arrangements of the room had been left to Trippetta’s superintendence;

but, in some particulars, it seems, she had been guided by the calmer

judgment of her friend the dwarf. At his suggestion it was that, on this

occasion, the chandelier was removed. Its waxen drippings (which, in

weather so warm, it was quite impossible to prevent) would have been

seriously detrimental to the rich dresses of the guests, who, on account

of the crowded state of the saloon, could not all be expected to keep from

out its centre; that is to say, from under the chandelier. Additional

sconces were set in various parts of the hall, out of the way, and a

flambeau, emitting sweet odor, was placed in the right hand of each of the

Caryaides [Caryatides] that stood against the wall—some fifty or

sixty altogether.

The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog’s advice, waited patiently until

midnight (when the room was thoroughly filled with masqueraders) before

making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however,

than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together—for the

impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to

stumble as they entered.

The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart

of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of

the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of

some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs. Many of the women

swooned with affright; and had not the king taken the precaution to

exclude all weapons from the saloon, his party might soon have expiated

their frolic in their blood. As it was, a general rush was made for the

doors; but the king had ordered them to be locked immediately upon his

entrance; and, at the dwarf’s suggestion, the keys had been deposited with

him.

While the tumult was at its height, and each masquerader attentive only to

his own safety (for, in fact, there was much real danger from the pressure

of the excited crowd), the chain by which the chandelier ordinarily hung,

and which had been drawn up on its removal, might have been seen very

gradually to descend, until its hooked extremity came within three feet of

the floor.

Soon after this, the king and his seven friends having reeled about the

hall in all directions, found themselves, at length, in its centre, and,

of course, in immediate contact with the chain. While they were thus

situated, the dwarf, who had followed noiselessly at their heels, inciting

them to keep up the commotion, took hold of their own chain at the

intersection of the two portions which crossed the circle diametrically

and at right angles. Here, with the rapidity of thought, he inserted the

hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an

instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far

upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable

consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection, and

face to face.

The masqueraders, by this time, had recovered, in some measure, from their

alarm; and, beginning to regard the whole matter as a well-contrived

pleasantry, set up a loud shout of laughter at the predicament of the

apes.

“Leave them to me!” now screamed Hop-Frog, his shrill voice making itself

easily heard through all the din. “Leave them to me. I fancy I know them.

If I can only get a good look at them, I can soon tell who they are.”

Here, scrambling over the heads of the crowd, he managed to get to the

wall; when, seizing a flambeau from one of the Caryatides, he returned,

as he went, to the centre of the room—leaped, with the agility of a

monkey, upon the kings head, and thence clambered a few feet up the

chain; holding down the torch to examine the group of ourang-outangs, and

still screaming: “I shall soon find out who they are!”

And now, while the whole assembly (the apes included) were convulsed with

laughter, the jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; when the chain

flew violently up for about thirty feet—dragging with it the

dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in

mid-air between the sky-light and the floor. Hop-Frog, clinging to the

chain as it rose, still maintained his relative position in respect to the

eight maskers, and still (as if nothing were the matter) continued to

thrust his torch down toward them, as though endeavoring to discover who

they were.

So thoroughly astonished was the whole company at this ascent, that a dead

silence, of about a minute’s duration, ensued. It was broken by just such

a low, harsh, grating sound, as had before attracted the attention of the

king and his councillors when the former threw the wine in the face of

Trippetta. But, on the present occasion, there could be no question as to

whence the sound issued. It came from the fang-like teeth of the

dwarf, who ground them and gnashed them as he foamed at the mouth, and

glared, with an expression of maniacal rage, into the upturned

countenances of the king and his seven companions.

“Ah, ha!” said at length the infuriated jester. “Ah, ha! I begin to see

who these people are now!” Here, pretending to scrutinize the king more

closely, he held the flambeau to the flaxen coat which enveloped him, and

which instantly burst into a sheet of vivid flame. In less than half a

minute the whole eight ourang-outangs were blazing fiercely, amid the

shrieks of the multitude who gazed at them from below, horror-stricken,

and without the power to render them the slightest assistance.

At length the flames, suddenly increasing in virulence, forced the jester

to climb higher up the chain, to be out of their reach; and, as he made

this movement, the crowd again sank, for a brief instant, into silence.

The dwarf seized his opportunity, and once more spoke:

“I now see distinctly.” he said, “what manner of people these maskers are.

They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors,—a king who

does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors

who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the

jester—and this is my last jest.”

Owing to the high combustibility of both the flax and the tar to which it

adhered, the dwarf had scarcely made an end of his brief speech before the

work of vengeance was complete. The eight corpses swung in their chains, a

fetid, blackened, hideous, and indistinguishable mass. The cripple hurled

his torch at them, clambered leisurely to the ceiling, and disappeared

through the sky-light.

It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof of the saloon, had

been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that,

together, they effected their escape to their own country; for neither was

seen again.

THE MAN OF THE CROWD.

Ce grand malheur, de ne pouvoir être seul.—_La Bruyère_.

It was well said of a certain German book that “_er lasst sich nicht

lesen_”—it does not permit itself to be read. There are some

secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. Men die nightly in

their beds, wringing the hands of ghostly confessors and looking them

piteously in the eyes—die with despair of heart and convulsion of

throat, on account of the hideousness of mysteries which will not suffer

themselves to be revealed. Now and then, alas, the conscience of man takes

up a burthen so heavy in horror that it can be thrown down only into the

grave. And thus the essence of all crime is undivulged.

Not long ago, about the closing in of an evening in autumn, I sat at the

large bow window of the D—— Coffee-House in London. For some

months I had been ill in health, but was now convalescent, and, with

returning strength, found myself in one of those happy moods which are so

precisely the converse of _ennui_—moods of the keenest

appetency, when the film from the mental vision departs—the

αχλυξ η πριυ

επῆευ—and the intellect, electrified,

surpasses as greatly its every-day condition, as does the vivid yet

candid reason of Leibnitz, the mad and flimsy rhetoric of Gorgias. Merely

to breathe was enjoyment; and I derived positive pleasure even from many

of the legitimate sources of pain. I felt a calm but inquisitive interest

in every thing. With a cigar in my mouth and a newspaper in my lap, I had

been amusing myself for the greater part of the afternoon, now in poring

over advertisements, now in observing the promiscuous company in the

room, and now in peering through the smoky panes into the street.

This latter is one of the principal thoroughfares of the city, and had

been very much crowded during the whole day. But, as the darkness came on,

the throng momently increased; and, by the time the lamps were well

lighted, two dense and continuous tides of population were rushing past

the door. At this particular period of the evening I had never before been

in a similar situation, and the tumultuous sea of human heads filled me,

therefore, with a delicious novelty of emotion. I gave up, at length, all

care of things within the hotel, and became absorbed in contemplation of

the scene without.

At first my observations took an abstract and generalizing turn. I looked

at the passengers in masses, and thought of them in their aggregate

relations. Soon, however, I descended to details, and regarded with minute

interest the innumerable varieties of figure, dress, air, gait, visage,

and expression of countenance.

By far the greater number of those who went by had a satisfied

business-like demeanor, and seemed to be thinking only of making their way

through the press. Their brows were knit, and their eyes rolled quickly;

when pushed against by fellow-wayfarers they evinced no symptom of

impatience, but adjusted their clothes and hurried on. Others, still a

numerous class, were restless in their movements, had flushed faces, and

talked and gesticulated to themselves, as if feeling in solitude on

account of the very denseness of the company around. When impeded in their

progress, these people suddenly ceased muttering, but re-doubled their

gesticulations, and awaited, with an absent and overdone smile upon the

lips, the course of the persons impeding them. If jostled, they bowed

profusely to the jostlers, and appeared overwhelmed with confusion.—There

was nothing very distinctive about these two large classes beyond what I

have noted. Their habiliments belonged to that order which is pointedly

termed the decent. They were undoubtedly noblemen, merchants, attorneys,

tradesmen, stock-jobbers—the Eupatrids and the common-places of

society—men of leisure and men actively engaged in affairs of their

own—conducting business upon their own responsibility. They did not

greatly excite my attention.

The tribe of clerks was an obvious one and here I discerned two remarkable

divisions. There were the junior clerks of flash houses—young

gentlemen with tight coats, bright boots, well-oiled hair, and

supercilious lips. Setting aside a certain dapperness of carriage, which

may be termed deskism for want of a better word, the manner of these

persons seemed to me an exact fac-simile of what had been the perfection

of bon ton about twelve or eighteen months before. They wore the cast-off

graces of the gentry;—and this, I believe, involves the best

definition of the class.

The division of the upper clerks of staunch firms, or of the “steady old

fellows,” it was not possible to mistake. These were known by their coats

and pantaloons of black or brown, made to sit comfortably, with white

cravats and waistcoats, broad solid-looking shoes, and thick hose or

gaiters. They had all slightly bald heads, from which the right

ears, long used to pen-holding, had an odd habit of standing off on end. I

observed that they always removed or settled their hats with both hands,

and wore watches, with short gold chains of a substantial and ancient

pattern. Theirs was the affectation of respectability—if indeed

there be an affectation so honorable.

There were many individuals of dashing appearance, whom I easily

understood as belonging to the race of swell pick-pockets with which all

great cities are infested. I watched these gentry with much

inquisitiveness, and found it difficult to imagine how they should ever be

mistaken for gentlemen by gentlemen themselves. Their voluminousness of

wristband, with an air of excessive frankness, should betray them at once.

The gamblers, of whom I descried not a few, were still more easily

recognisable. They wore every variety of dress, from that of the

desperate thimble-rig bully, with velvet waistcoat, fancy neckerchief,

gilt chains, and filagreed buttons, to that of the scrupulously inornate

clergyman, than which nothing could be less liable to suspicion. Still

all were distinguished by a certain sodden swarthiness of complexion, a

filmy dimness of eye, and pallor and compression of lip. There were two

other traits, moreover, by which I could always detect them: a guarded

lowness of tone in conversation, and a more than ordinary extension of

the thumb in a direction at right angles with the fingers. Very often, in

company with these sharpers, I observed an order of men somewhat

different in habits, but still birds of a kindred feather. They may be

defined as the gentlemen who live by their wits. They seem to prey upon

the public in two battalions—that of the dandies and that of the

military men. Of the first grade the leading features are long locks and

smiles; of the second, frogged coats and frowns.

Descending in the scale of what is termed gentility, I found darker and

deeper themes for speculation. I saw Jew pedlars, with hawk eyes flashing

from countenances whose every other feature wore only an expression of

abject humility; sturdy professional street beggars scowling upon

mendicants of a better stamp, whom despair alone had driven forth into the

night for charity; feeble and ghastly invalids, upon whom death had placed

a sure hand, and who sidled and tottered through the mob, looking every

one beseechingly in the face, as if in search of some chance consolation,

some lost hope; modest young girls returning from long and late labor to a

cheerless home, and shrinking more tearfully than indignantly from the

glances of ruffians, whose direct contact, even, could not be avoided;

women of the town of all kinds and of all ages—the unequivocal

beauty in the prime of her womanhood, putting one in mind of the statue in

Lucian, with the surface of Parian marble, and the interior filled with

filth—the loathsome and utterly lost leper in rags—the

wrinkled, bejewelled and paint-begrimed beldame, making a last effort at

youth—the mere child of immature form, yet, from long association,

an adept in the dreadful coquetries of her trade, and burning with a rabid

ambition to be ranked the equal of her elders in vice; drunkards

innumerable and indescribable—some in shreds and patches, reeling,

inarticulate, with bruised visage and lack-lustre eyes—some in whole

although filthy garments, with a slightly unsteady swagger, thick sensual

lips, and hearty-looking rubicund faces—others clothed in materials

which had once been good, and which even now were scrupulously well

brushed—men who walked with a more than naturally firm and springy

step, but whose countenances were fearfully pale, whose eyes hideously

wild and red, and who clutched with quivering fingers, as they strode

through the crowd, at every object which came within their reach; beside

these, pie-men, porters, coal-heavers, sweeps; organ-grinders,

monkey-exhibitors, and ballad mongers, those who vended with those who

sang; ragged artizans and exhausted laborers of every description, and all

full of a noisy and inordinate vivacity which jarred discordantly upon the

ear, and gave an aching sensation to the eye.

As the night deepened, so deepened to me the interest of the scene; for

not only did the general character of the crowd materially alter (its

gentler features retiring in the gradual withdrawal of the more orderly

portion of the people, and its harsher ones coming out into bolder relief,

as the late hour brought forth every species of infamy from its den,) but

the rays of the gas-lamps, feeble at first in their struggle with the

dying day, had now at length gained ascendancy, and threw over every thing

a fitful and garish lustre. All was dark yet splendid—as that ebony

to which has been likened the style of Tertullian.

The wild effects of the light enchained me to an examination of individual

faces; and although the rapidity with which the world of light flitted

before the window, prevented me from casting more than a glance upon each

visage, still it seemed that, in my then peculiar mental state, I could

frequently read, even in that brief interval of a glance, the history of

long years.

With my brow to the glass, I was thus occupied in scrutinizing the mob,

when suddenly there came into view a countenance (that of a decrepid old

man, some sixty-five or seventy years of age,)—a countenance which

at once arrested and absorbed my whole attention, on account of the

absolute idiosyncrasy of its expression. Any thing even remotely

resembling that expression I had never seen before. I well remember that

my first thought, upon beholding it, was that Retzch, had he viewed it,

would have greatly preferred it to his own pictural incarnations of the

fiend. As I endeavored, during the brief minute of my original survey, to

form some analysis of the meaning conveyed, there arose confusedly and

paradoxically within my mind, the ideas of vast mental power, of caution,

of penuriousness, of avarice, of coolness, of malice, of blood

thirstiness, of triumph, of merriment, of excessive terror, of intense—of

supreme despair. I felt singularly aroused, startled, fascinated. “How

wild a history,” I said to myself, “is written within that bosom!” Then

came a craving desire to keep the man in view—to know more of him.

Hurriedly putting on an overcoat, and seizing my hat and cane, I made my

way into the street, and pushed through the crowd in the direction which I

had seen him take; for he had already disappeared. With some little

difficulty I at length came within sight of him, approached, and followed

him closely, yet cautiously, so as not to attract his attention.

I had now a good opportunity of examining his person. He was short in

stature, very thin, and apparently very feeble. His clothes, generally,

were filthy and ragged; but as he came, now and then, within the strong

glare of a lamp, I perceived that his linen, although dirty, was of

beautiful texture; and my vision deceived me, or, through a rent in a

closely-buttoned and evidently second-handed roquelaire which enveloped

him, I caught a glimpse both of a diamond and of a dagger. These

observations heightened my curiosity, and I resolved to follow the

stranger whithersoever he should go.

It was now fully night-fall, and a thick humid fog hung over the city,

soon ending in a settled and heavy rain. This change of weather had an odd

effect upon the crowd, the whole of which was at once put into new

commotion, and overshadowed by a world of umbrellas. The waver, the

jostle, and the hum increased in a tenfold degree. For my own part I did

not much regard the rain—the lurking of an old fever in my system

rendering the moisture somewhat too dangerously pleasant. Tying a

handkerchief about my mouth, I kept on. For half an hour the old man held

his way with difficulty along the great thoroughfare; and I here walked

close at his elbow through fear of losing sight of him. Never once turning

his head to look back, he did not observe me. By and by he passed into a

cross street, which, although densely filled with people, was not quite so

much thronged as the main one he had quitted. Here a change in his

demeanor became evident. He walked more slowly and with less object than

before—more hesitatingly. He crossed and re-crossed the way

repeatedly without apparent aim; and the press was still so thick that, at

every such movement, I was obliged to follow him closely. The street was a

narrow and long one, and his course lay within it for nearly an hour,

during which the passengers had gradually diminished to about that number

which is ordinarily seen at noon in Broadway near the park—so vast a

difference is there between a London populace and that of the most

frequented American city. A second turn brought us into a square,

brilliantly lighted, and overflowing with life. The old manner of the

stranger re-appeared. His chin fell upon his breast, while his eyes rolled

wildly from under his knit brows, in every direction, upon those who

hemmed him in. He urged his way steadily and perseveringly. I was

surprised, however, to find, upon his having made the circuit of the

square, that he turned and retraced his steps. Still more was I astonished

to see him repeat the same walk several times—once nearly detecting

me as he came round with a sudden movement.

In this exercise he spent another hour, at the end of which we met with

far less interruption from passengers than at first. The rain fell fast;

the air grew cool; and the people were retiring to their homes. With a

gesture of impatience, the wanderer passed into a by-street comparatively

deserted. Down this, some quarter of a mile long, he rushed with an

activity I could not have dreamed of seeing in one so aged, and which put

me to much trouble in pursuit. A few minutes brought us to a large and

busy bazaar, with the localities of which the stranger appeared well

acquainted, and where his original demeanor again became apparent, as he

forced his way to and fro, without aim, among the host of buyers and

sellers.

During the hour and a half, or thereabouts, which we passed in this place,

it required much caution on my part to keep him within reach without

attracting his observation. Luckily I wore a pair of caoutchouc

over-shoes, and could move about in perfect silence. At no moment did he

see that I watched him. He entered shop after shop, priced nothing, spoke

no word, and looked at all objects with a wild and vacant stare. I was now

utterly amazed at his behavior, and firmly resolved that we should not

part until I had satisfied myself in some measure respecting him.

A loud-toned clock struck eleven, and the company were fast deserting the

bazaar. A shop-keeper, in putting up a shutter, jostled the old man, and

at the instant I saw a strong shudder come over his frame. He hurried into

the street, looked anxiously around him for an instant, and then ran with

incredible swiftness through many crooked and people-less lanes, until we

emerged once more upon the great thoroughfare whence we had started—the

street of the D—— Hotel. It no longer wore, however, the same

aspect. It was still brilliant with gas; but the rain fell fiercely, and

there were few persons to be seen. The stranger grew pale. He walked

moodily some paces up the once populous avenue, then, with a heavy sigh,

turned in the direction of the river, and, plunging through a great

variety of devious ways, came out, at length, in view of one of the

principal theatres. It was about being closed, and the audience were

thronging from the doors. I saw the old man gasp as if for breath while he

threw himself amid the crowd; but I thought that the intense agony of his

countenance had, in some measure, abated. His head again fell upon his

breast; he appeared as I had seen him at first. I observed that he now

took the course in which had gone the greater number of the audience—but,

upon the whole, I was at a loss to comprehend the waywardness of his

actions.

As he proceeded, the company grew more scattered, and his old uneasiness

and vacillation were resumed. For some time he followed closely a party of

some ten or twelve roisterers; but from this number one by one dropped

off, until three only remained together, in a narrow and gloomy lane

little frequented. The stranger paused, and, for a moment, seemed lost in

thought; then, with every mark of agitation, pursued rapidly a route which

brought us to the verge of the city, amid regions very different from

those we had hitherto traversed. It was the most noisome quarter of

London, where every thing wore the worst impress of the most deplorable

poverty, and of the most desperate crime. By the dim light of an

accidental lamp, tall, antique, worm-eaten, wooden tenements were seen

tottering to their fall, in directions so many and capricious that scarce

the semblance of a passage was discernible between them. The paving-stones

lay at random, displaced from their beds by the rankly-growing grass.

Horrible filth festered in the dammed-up gutters. The whole atmosphere

teemed with desolation. Yet, as we proceeded, the sounds of human life

revived by sure degrees, and at length large bands of the most abandoned

of a London populace were seen reeling to and fro. The spirits of the old

man again flickered up, as a lamp which is near its death hour. Once more

he strode onward with elastic tread. Suddenly a corner was turned, a blaze

of light burst upon our sight, and we stood before one of the huge

suburban temples of Intemperance—one of the palaces of the fiend,

Gin.

It was now nearly day-break; but a number of wretched inebriates still

pressed in and out of the flaunting entrance. With a half shriek of joy

the old man forced a passage within, resumed at once his original

bearing, and stalked backward and forward, without apparent object, among

the throng. He had not been thus long occupied, however, before a rush to

the doors gave token that the host was closing them for the night. It was

something even more intense than despair that I then observed upon the

countenance of the singular being whom I had watched so pertinaciously.

Yet he did not hesitate in his career, but, with a mad energy, retraced

his steps at once, to the heart of the mighty London. Long and swiftly he

fled, while I followed him in the wildest amazement, resolute not to

abandon a scrutiny in which I now felt an interest all-absorbing. The sun

arose while we proceeded, and, when we had once again reached that most

thronged mart of the populous town, the street of the D——

Hotel, it presented an appearance of human bustle and activity scarcely

inferior to what I had seen on the evening before. And here, long, amid

the momently increasing confusion, did I persist in my pursuit of the

stranger. But, as usual, he walked to and fro, and during the day did not

pass from out the turmoil of that street. And, as the shades of the

second evening came on, I grew wearied unto death, and, stopping fully in

front of the wanderer, gazed at him steadfastly in the face. He noticed

me not, but resumed his solemn walk, while I, ceasing to follow, remained

absorbed in contemplation. “This old man,” I said at length,

“is the type and the genius of deep crime. He refuses to be alone.

_He is the man of the crowd._ It will be in vain to follow; for I

shall learn no more of him, nor of his deeds. The worst heart of the

world is a grosser book than the ‘Hortulus Animæ,’ {*1} and

perhaps it is but one of the great mercies of God that ‘_er lasst

sich nicht lesen._’”

{*1} The “_Hortulus Animæ cum Oratiunculis Aliquibus Superadditis_”

of Grünninger.

NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD

A Tale With a Moral.

“_Con tal que las costumbres de un autor_,” says Don Thomas de las

Torres, in the preface to his “Amatory Poems” _“sean puras y castas,

importo muy poco que no sean igualmente severas sus obras”_—meaning,

in plain English, that, provided the morals of an author are pure

personally, it signifies nothing what are the morals of his books. We

presume that Don Thomas is now in Purgatory for the assertion. It would be

a clever thing, too, in the way of poetical justice, to keep him there

until his “Amatory Poems” get out of print, or are laid definitely upon

the shelf through lack of readers. Every fiction should have a moral; and,

what is more to the purpose, the critics have discovered that every

fiction has. Philip Melanchthon, some time ago, wrote a commentary upon

the “Batrachomyomachia,” and proved that the poet’s object was to excite a

distaste for sedition. Pierre la Seine, going a step farther, shows that

the intention was to recommend to young men temperance in eating and

drinking. Just so, too, Jacobus Hugo has satisfied himself that, by

Euenis, Homer meant to insinuate John Calvin; by Antinous, Martin Luther;

by the Lotophagi, Protestants in general; and, by the Harpies, the Dutch.

Our more modern Scholiasts are equally acute. These fellows demonstrate a

hidden meaning in “The Antediluvians,” a parable in Powhatan, “new views

in Cock Robin,” and transcendentalism in “Hop O’ My Thumb.” In short, it

has been shown that no man can sit down to write without a very profound

design. Thus to authors in general much trouble is spared. A novelist, for

example, need have no care of his moral. It is there—that is to say,

it is somewhere—and the moral and the critics can take care of

themselves. When the proper time arrives, all that the gentleman intended,

and all that he did not intend, will be brought to light, in the “Dial,”

or the “Down-Easter,” together with all that he ought to have intended,

and the rest that he clearly meant to intend:—so that it will all

come very straight in the end.

There is no just ground, therefore, for the charge brought against me by

certain ignoramuses—that I have never written a moral tale, or, in

more precise words, a tale with a moral. They are not the critics

predestined to bring me out, and develop my morals:—that is the

secret. By and by the “North American Quarterly Humdrum” will make them

ashamed of their stupidity. In the meantime, by way of staying execution—by

way of mitigating the accusations against me—I offer the sad history

appended,—a history about whose obvious moral there can be no

question whatever, since he who runs may read it in the large capitals

which form the title of the tale. I should have credit for this

arrangement—a far wiser one than that of La Fontaine and others, who

reserve the impression to be conveyed until the last moment, and thus

sneak it in at the fag end of their fables.

_Defuncti injuriâ ne afficiantur_ was a law of the twelve tables, and _De

mortuis nil nisi bonum_ is an excellent injunction—even if the dead

in question be nothing but dead small beer. It is not my design,

therefore, to vituperate my deceased friend, Toby Dammit. He was a sad

dog, it is true, and a dog’s death it was that he died; but he himself was

not to blame for his vices. They grew out of a personal defect in his

mother. She did her best in the way of flogging him while an infant—for

duties to her well-regulated mind were always pleasures, and babies,

like tough steaks, or the modern Greek olive trees, are invariably the

better for beating—but, poor woman! she had the misfortune to be

left-handed, and a child flogged left-handedly had better be left

unflogged. The world revolves from right to left. It will not do to whip a

baby from left to right. If each blow in the proper direction drives an

evil propensity out, it follows that every thump in an opposite one knocks

its quota of wickedness in. I was often present at Toby’s chastisements,

and, even by the way in which he kicked, I could perceive that he was

getting worse and worse every day. At last I saw, through the tears in my

eyes, that there was no hope of the villain at all, and one day when he

had been cuffed until he grew so black in the face that one might have

mistaken him for a little African, and no effect had been produced beyond

that of making him wriggle himself into a fit, I could stand it no longer,

but went down upon my knees forthwith, and, uplifting my voice, made

prophecy of his ruin.

The fact is that his precocity in vice was awful. At five months of age he

used to get into such passions that he was unable to articulate. At six

months, I caught him gnawing a pack of cards. At seven months he was in

the constant habit of catching and kissing the female babies. At eight

months he peremptorily refused to put his signature to the Temperance

pledge. Thus he went on increasing in iniquity, month after month, until,

at the close of the first year, he not only insisted upon wearing

moustaches, but had contracted a propensity for cursing and swearing, and

for backing his assertions by bets.

Through this latter most ungentlemanly practice, the ruin which I had

predicted to Toby Dammit overtook him at last. The fashion had “grown with

his growth and strengthened with his strength,” so that, when he came to

be a man, he could scarcely utter a sentence without interlarding it with

a proposition to gamble. Not that he actually laid wagers—no. I will

do my friend the justice to say that he would as soon have laid eggs. With

him the thing was a mere formula—nothing more. His expressions on

this head had no meaning attached to them whatever. They were simple if

not altogether innocent expletives—imaginative phrases wherewith to

round off a sentence. When he said “I’ll bet you so and so,” nobody ever

thought of taking him up; but still I could not help thinking it my duty

to put him down. The habit was an immoral one, and so I told him. It was a

vulgar one—this I begged him to believe. It was discountenanced by

society—here I said nothing but the truth. It was forbidden by act

of Congress—here I had not the slightest intention of telling a lie.

I remonstrated—but to no purpose. I demonstrated—in vain. I

entreated—he smiled. I implored—he laughed. I preached—he

sneered. I threatened—he swore. I kicked him—he called for the

police. I pulled his nose—he blew it, and offered to bet the Devil

his head that I would not venture to try that experiment again.

Poverty was another vice which the peculiar physical deficiency of

Dammit’s mother had entailed upon her son. He was detestably poor, and

this was the reason, no doubt, that his expletive expressions about

betting, seldom took a pecuniary turn. I will not be bound to say that I

ever heard him make use of such a figure of speech as “I’ll bet you a

dollar.” It was usually “I’ll bet you what you please,” or “I’ll bet you

what you dare,” or “I’ll bet you a trifle,” or else, more significantly

still, “I’ll bet the Devil my head.”

This latter form seemed to please him best;—perhaps because it

involved the least risk; for Dammit had become excessively parsimonious.

Had any one taken him up, his head was small, and thus his loss would have

been small too. But these are my own reflections and I am by no means sure

that I am right in attributing them to him. At all events the phrase in

question grew daily in favor, notwithstanding the gross impropriety of a

man betting his brains like bank-notes—but this was a point which

my friend’s perversity of disposition would not permit him to comprehend.

In the end, he abandoned all other forms of wager, and gave himself up to

“I’ll bet the Devil my head,” with a pertinacity and exclusiveness of

devotion that displeased not less than it surprised me. I am always

displeased by circumstances for which I cannot account. Mysteries force a

man to think, and so injure his health. The truth is, there was something

in the air with which Mr. Dammit was wont to give utterance to his

offensive expression—something in his manner of enunciation—which

at first interested, and afterwards made me very uneasy—something

which, for want of a more definite term at present, I must be permitted to

call queer; but which Mr. Coleridge would have called mystical, Mr. Kant

pantheistical, Mr. Carlyle twistical, and Mr. Emerson hyperquizzitistical.

I began not to like it at all. Mr. Dammits soul was in a perilous state. I

resolved to bring all my eloquence into play to save it. I vowed to serve

him as St. Patrick, in the Irish chronicle, is said to have served the

toad,—that is to say, “awaken him to a sense of his situation.” I

addressed myself to the task forthwith. Once more I betook myself to

remonstrance. Again I collected my energies for a final attempt at

expostulation.

When I had made an end of my lecture, Mr. Dammit indulged himself in some

very equivocal behavior. For some moments he remained silent, merely

looking me inquisitively in the face. But presently he threw his head to

one side, and elevated his eyebrows to a great extent. Then he spread out

the palms of his hands and shrugged up his shoulders. Then he winked with

the right eye. Then he repeated the operation with the left. Then he shut

them both up very tight. Then he opened them both so very wide that I became

seriously alarmed for the consequences. Then, applying his thumb to his

nose, he thought proper to make an indescribable movement with the rest of

his fingers. Finally, setting his arms a-kimbo, he condescended to reply.

I can call to mind only the heads of his discourse. He would be obliged to

me if I would hold my tongue. He wished none of my advice. He despised all

my insinuations. He was old enough to take care of himself. Did I still

think him baby Dammit? Did I mean to say any thing against his character?

Did I intend to insult him? Was I a fool? Was my maternal parent aware, in

a word, of my absence from the domiciliary residence? He would put this

latter question to me as to a man of veracity, and he would bind himself

to abide by my reply. Once more he would demand explicitly if my mother

knew that I was out. My confusion, he said, betrayed me, and he would be

willing to bet the Devil his head that she did not.

Mr. Dammit did not pause for my rejoinder. Turning upon his heel, he left

my presence with undignified precipitation. It was well for him that he

did so. My feelings had been wounded. Even my anger had been aroused. For

once I would have taken him up upon his insulting wager. I would have won

for the Arch-Enemy Mr. Dammit’s little head—for the fact is, my

mamma was very well aware of my merely temporary absence from home.

But Khoda shefa midêhed—Heaven gives relief—as the Mussulmans

say when you tread upon their toes. It was in pursuance of my duty that I

had been insulted, and I bore the insult like a man. It now seemed to me,

however, that I had done all that could be required of me, in the case of

this miserable individual, and I resolved to trouble him no longer with my

counsel, but to leave him to his conscience and himself. But although I

forebore to intrude with my advice, I could not bring myself to give up

his society altogether. I even went so far as to humor some of his less

reprehensible propensities; and there were times when I found myself

lauding his wicked jokes, as epicures do mustard, with tears in my eyes:—so

profoundly did it grieve me to hear his evil talk.

One fine day, having strolled out together, arm in arm, our route led us

in the direction of a river. There was a bridge, and we resolved to cross

it. It was roofed over, by way of protection from the weather, and the

archway, having but few windows, was thus very uncomfortably dark. As we

entered the passage, the contrast between the external glare and the

interior gloom struck heavily upon my spirits. Not so upon those of the

unhappy Dammit, who offered to bet the Devil his head that I was hipped.

He seemed to be in an unusual good humor. He was excessively lively—so

much so that I entertained I know not what of uneasy suspicion. It is not

impossible that he was affected with the transcendentals. I am not well

enough versed, however, in the diagnosis of this disease to speak with

decision upon the point; and unhappily there were none of my friends of

the “Dial” present. I suggest the idea, nevertheless, because of a certain

species of austere Merry-Andrewism which seemed to beset my poor friend,

and caused him to make quite a Tom-Fool of himself. Nothing would serve

him but wriggling and skipping about under and over every thing that came

in his way; now shouting out, and now lisping out, all manner of odd

little and big words, yet preserving the gravest face in the world all the

time. I really could not make up my mind whether to kick or to pity him.

At length, having passed nearly across the bridge, we approached the

termination of the footway, when our progress was impeded by a turnstile

of some height. Through this I made my way quietly, pushing it around as

usual. But this turn would not serve the turn of Mr. Dammit. He insisted

upon leaping the stile, and said he could cut a pigeon-wing over it in the

air. Now this, conscientiously speaking, I did not think he could do. The

best pigeon-winger over all kinds of style was my friend Mr. Carlyle, and

as I knew he could not do it, I would not believe that it could be done by

Toby Dammit. I therefore told him, in so many words, that he was a

braggadocio, and could not do what he said. For this I had reason to be

sorry afterward;—for he straightway offered to bet the Devil his

head that he could.

I was about to reply, notwithstanding my previous resolutions, with some

remonstrance against his impiety, when I heard, close at my elbow, a

slight cough, which sounded very much like the ejaculation “ahem!” I

started, and looked about me in surprise. My glance at length fell into a

nook of the frame—work of the bridge, and upon the figure of a

little lame old gentleman of venerable aspect. Nothing could be more

reverend than his whole appearance; for he not only had on a full suit of

black, but his shirt was perfectly clean and the collar turned very neatly

down over a white cravat, while his hair was parted in front like a

girl’s. His hands were clasped pensively together over his stomach, and

his two eyes were carefully rolled up into the top of his head.

Upon observing him more closely, I perceived that he wore a black silk

apron over his small-clothes; and this was a thing which I thought very

odd. Before I had time to make any remark, however, upon so singular a

circumstance, he interrupted me with a second “ahem!”

To this observation I was not immediately prepared to reply. The fact is,

remarks of this laconic nature are nearly unanswerable. I have known a

Quarterly Review non-plussed by the word “Fudge!” I am not ashamed to say,

therefore, that I turned to Mr. Dammit for assistance.

“Dammit,” said I, “what are you about? don’t you hear?—the gentleman

says ‘ahem!’” I looked sternly at my friend while I thus addressed him;

for, to say the truth, I felt particularly puzzled, and when a man is

particularly puzzled he must knit his brows and look savage, or else he is

pretty sure to look like a fool.

“Dammit,” observed I—although this sounded very much like an oath,

than which nothing was further from my thoughts—“Dammit,” I

suggested—“the gentleman says ‘ahem!’”

I do not attempt to defend my remark on the score of profundity; I did not

think it profound myself; but I have noticed that the effect of our

speeches is not always proportionate with their importance in our own

eyes; and if I had shot Mr. D. through and through with a Paixhan bomb, or

knocked him in the head with the “Poets and Poetry of America,” he could

hardly have been more discomfited than when I addressed him with those

simple words: “Dammit, what are you about?—don’t you hear?—the

gentleman says ‘ahem!’”

“You don’t say so?” gasped he at length, after turning more colors than a

pirate runs up, one after the other, when chased by a man-of-war. “Are you

quite sure he said that? Well, at all events I am in for it now, and may

as well put a bold face upon the matter. Here goes, then—ahem!”

At this the little old gentleman seemed pleased—God only knows why.

He left his station at the nook of the bridge, limped forward with a

gracious air, took Dammit by the hand and shook it cordially, looking all

the while straight up in his face with an air of the most unadulterated

benignity which it is possible for the mind of man to imagine.

“I am quite sure you will win it, Dammit,” said he, with the frankest of

all smiles, “but we are obliged to have a trial, you know, for the sake of

mere form.”

“Ahem!” replied my friend, taking off his coat, with a deep sigh, tying a

pocket-handkerchief around his waist, and producing an unaccountable

alteration in his countenance by twisting up his eyes and bringing down

the corners of his mouth—“ahem!” And “ahem!” said he again, after a

pause; and not another word more than “ahem!” did I ever know him to say

after that. “Aha!” thought I, without expressing myself aloud—“this

is quite a remarkable silence on the part of Toby Dammit, and is no doubt

a consequence of his verbosity upon a previous occasion. One extreme

induces another. I wonder if he has forgotten the many unanswerable

questions which he propounded to me so fluently on the day when I gave him

my last lecture? At all events, he is cured of the transcendentals.”

“Ahem!” here replied Toby, just as if he had been reading my thoughts, and

looking like a very old sheep in a revery.

The old gentleman now took him by the arm, and led him more into the shade

of the bridge—a few paces back from the turnstile. “My good fellow,”

said he, “I make it a point of conscience to allow you this much run. Wait

here, till I take my place by the stile, so that I may see whether you go

over it handsomely, and transcendentally, and don’t omit any flourishes of

the pigeon-wing. A mere form, you know. I will say ‘one, two, three, and

away.’ Mind you, start at the word ‘away.’” Here he took his position by

the stile, paused a moment as if in profound reflection, then looked up

and, I thought, smiled very slightly, then tightened the strings of his

apron, then took a long look at Dammit, and finally gave the word as

agreed upon—

_One—two—three—and—away!_

Punctually at the word “away,” my poor friend set off in a strong gallop.

The stile was not very high, like Mr. Lord’s—nor yet very low, like

that of Mr. Lord’s reviewers, but upon the whole I made sure that he would

clear it. And then what if he did not?—ah, that was the question—what

if he did not? “What right,” said I, “had the old gentleman to make any

other gentleman jump? The little old dot-and-carry-one! who is he? If he

asks me to jump, I won’t do it, that’s flat, and I don’t care who the

devil he is.” The bridge, as I say, was arched and covered in, in a very

ridiculous manner, and there was a most uncomfortable echo about it at all

times—an echo which I never before so particularly observed as when

I uttered the four last words of my remark.

But what I said, or what I thought, or what I heard, occupied only an

instant. In less than five seconds from his starting, my poor Toby had

taken the leap. I saw him run nimbly, and spring grandly from the floor of

the bridge, cutting the most awful flourishes with his legs as he went up.

I saw him high in the air, pigeon-winging it to admiration just over the

top of the stile; and of course I thought it an unusually singular thing

that he did not continue to go over. But the whole leap was the affair of

a moment, and, before I had a chance to make any profound reflections,

down came Mr. Dammit on the flat of his back, on the same side of the

stile from which he had started. At the same instant I saw the old

gentleman limping off at the top of his speed, having caught and wrapt up

in his apron something that fell heavily into it from the darkness of the

arch just over the turnstile. At all this I was much astonished; but I had

no leisure to think, for Dammit lay particularly still, and I concluded

that his feelings had been hurt, and that he stood in need of my

assistance. I hurried up to him and found that he had received what might

be termed a serious injury. The truth is, he had been deprived of his

head, which after a close search I could not find anywhere; so I

determined to take him home and send for the homœopathists. In the

meantime a thought struck me, and I threw open an adjacent window of the

bridge, when the sad truth flashed upon me at once. About five feet just

above the top of the turnstile, and crossing the arch of the foot-path so

as to constitute a brace, there extended a flat iron bar, lying with its

breadth horizontally, and forming one of a series that served to

strengthen the structure throughout its extent. With the edge of this

brace it appeared evident that the neck of my unfortunate friend had come

precisely in contact.

He did not long survive his terrible loss. The homœopathists did not give

him little enough physic, and what little they did give him he hesitated

to take. So in the end he grew worse, and at length died, a lesson to all

riotous livers. I bedewed his grave with my tears, worked a bar sinister

on his family escutcheon, and, for the general expenses of his funeral,

sent in my very moderate bill to the transcendentalists. The scoundrels

refused to pay it, so I had Mr. Dammit dug up at once, and sold him for

dog’s meat.

THOU ART THE MAN

I will now play the Oedipus to the Rattleborough enigma. I will expound to

you—as I alone can—the secret of the enginery that effected

the Rattleborough miracle—the one, the true, the admitted, the

undisputed, the indisputable miracle, which put a definite end to

infidelity among the Rattleburghers and converted to the orthodoxy of the

grandames all the carnal-minded who had ventured to be sceptical before.

This event—which I should be sorry to discuss in a tone of

unsuitable levity—occurred in the summer of 18—. Mr. Barnabas

Shuttleworthy—one of the wealthiest and most respectable citizens of

the borough—had been missing for several days under circumstances

which gave rise to suspicion of foul play. Mr. Shuttleworthy had set out

from Rattleborough very early one Saturday morning, on horseback, with the

avowed intention of proceeding to the city of ——, about fifteen miles

distant, and of returning the night of the same day. Two hours after his

departure, however, his horse returned without him, and without the

saddle-bags which had been strapped on his back at starting. The animal

was wounded, too, and covered with mud. These circumstances naturally gave

rise to much alarm among the friends of the missing man; and when it was

found, on Sunday morning, that he had not yet made his appearance, the

whole borough arose en masse to go and look for his body.

The foremost and most energetic in instituting this search was the bosom

friend of Mr. Shuttleworthy—a Mr. Charles Goodfellow, or, as he was

universally called, “Charley Goodfellow,” or “Old Charley Goodfellow.”

Now, whether it is a marvellous coincidence, or whether it is that the

name itself has an imperceptible effect upon the character, I have never

yet been able to ascertain; but the fact is unquestionable, that there

never yet was any person named Charles who was not an open, manly, honest,

good-natured, and frank-hearted fellow, with a rich, clear voice, that did

you good to hear it, and an eye that looked you always straight in the

face, as much as to say: “I have a clear conscience myself, am afraid of

no man, and am altogether above doing a mean action.” And thus all the

hearty, careless, “walking gentlemen” of the stage are very certain to be

called Charles.

Now, “Old Charley Goodfellow,” although he had been in Rattleborough not

longer than six months or thereabouts, and although nobody knew any thing

about him before he came to settle in the neighborhood, had experienced no

difficulty in the world in making the acquaintance of all the respectable

people in the borough. Not a man of them but would have taken his bare

word for a thousand at any moment; and as for the women, there is no

saying what they would not have done to oblige him. And all this came of

his having been christened Charles, and of his possessing, in consequence,

that ingenuous face which is proverbially the very “best letter of

recommendation.”

I have already said that Mr. Shuttleworthy was one of the most respectable

and, undoubtedly, he was the most wealthy man in Rattleborough, while “Old

Charley Goodfellow” was upon as intimate terms with him as if he had been

his own brother. The two old gentlemen were next-door neighbours, and,

although Mr. Shuttleworthy seldom, if ever, visited “Old Charley,” and

never was known to take a meal in his house, still this did not prevent

the two friends from being exceedingly intimate, as I have just observed;

for “Old Charley” never let a day pass without stepping in three or four

times to see how his neighbour came on, and very often he would stay to

breakfast or tea, and almost always to dinner, and then the amount of wine

that was made way with by the two cronies at a sitting, it would really be

a difficult thing to ascertain. “Old Charleys” favorite beverage was

Chateau-Margaux, and it appeared to do Mr. Shuttleworthy’s heart good to

see the old fellow swallow it, as he did, quart after quart; so that, one

day, when the wine was in and the wit as a natural consequence, somewhat

out, he said to his crony, as he slapped him upon the back—“I tell

you what it is, ‘Old Charley,’ you are, by all odds, the heartiest old

fellow I ever came across in all my born days; and, since you love to

guzzle the wine at that fashion, I’ll be darned if I don’t have to make

thee a present of a big box of the Chateau-Margaux. Od rot me,”—(Mr.

Shuttleworthy had a sad habit of swearing, although he seldom went beyond

“Od rot me,” or “By gosh,” or “By the jolly golly,”)—“Od rot me,”

says he, “if I don’t send an order to town this very afternoon for a

double box of the best that can be got, and I’ll make ye a present of it,

I will!—ye needn’t say a word now—I will, I tell ye, and

there’s an end of it; so look out for it—it will come to hand some

of these fine days, precisely when ye are looking for it the least!” I

mention this little bit of liberality on the part of Mr. Shuttleworthy,

just by way of showing you how very intimate an understanding existed

between the two friends.

Well, on the Sunday morning in question, when it came to be fairly

understood that Mr. Shuttleworthy had met with foul play, I never saw any

one so profoundly affected as “Old Charley Goodfellow.” When he first

heard that the horse had come home without his master, and without his

master’s saddle-bags, and all bloody from a pistol-shot, that had gone

clean through and through the poor animal’s chest without quite killing

him; when he heard all this, he turned as pale as if the missing man had

been his own dear brother or father, and shivered and shook all over as if

he had had a fit of the ague.

At first he was too much overpowered with grief to be able to do any thing

at all, or to concert upon any plan of action; so that for a long time he

endeavored to dissuade Mr. Shuttleworthy’s other friends from making a

stir about the matter, thinking it best to wait awhile—say for a

week or two, or a month, or two—to see if something wouldn’t turn

up, or if Mr. Shuttleworthy wouldn’t come in the natural way, and explain

his reasons for sending his horse on before. I dare say you have often

observed this disposition to temporize, or to procrastinate, in people who

are labouring under any very poignant sorrow. Their powers of mind seem to

be rendered torpid, so that they have a horror of any thing like action,

and like nothing in the world so well as to lie quietly in bed and “nurse

their grief,” as the old ladies express it—that is to say, ruminate

over the trouble.

The people of Rattleborough had, indeed, so high an opinion of the wisdom

and discretion of “Old Charley,” that the greater part of them felt

disposed to agree with him, and not make a stir in the business “until

something should turn up,” as the honest old gentleman worded it; and I

believe that, after all this would have been the general determination,

but for the very suspicious interference of Mr. Shuttleworthy’s nephew, a

young man of very dissipated habits, and otherwise of rather bad

character. This nephew, whose name was Pennifeather, would listen to

nothing like reason in the matter of “lying quiet,” but insisted upon

making immediate search for the “corpse of the murdered man.” This

was the expression he employed; and Mr. Goodfellow acutely remarked at the

time, that it was “a singular expression, to say no more.” This remark of

“Old Charley’s,” too, had great effect upon the crowd; and one of the

party was heard to ask, very impressively, “how it happened that young Mr.

Pennifeather was so intimately cognizant of all the circumstances

connected with his wealthy uncle’s disappearance, as to feel authorized to

assert, distinctly and unequivocally, that his uncle was ‘a murdered

man.’” Hereupon some little squibbing and bickering occurred among various

members of the crowd, and especially between “Old Charley” and Mr.

Pennifeather—although this latter occurrence was, indeed, by no

means a novelty, for little good-will had subsisted between the parties for

the last three or four months; and matters had even gone so far that Mr.

Pennifeather had actually knocked down his uncle’s friend for some alleged

excess of liberty that the latter had taken in the uncle’s house, of which

the nephew was an inmate. Upon this occasion “Old Charley” is said to have

behaved with exemplary moderation and Christian charity. He arose from the

blow, adjusted his clothes, and made no attempt at retaliation at all—merely

muttering a few words about “taking summary vengeance at the first

convenient opportunity,”—a natural and very justifiable ebullition

of anger, which meant nothing, however, and, beyond doubt, was no sooner

given vent to than forgotten.

However these matters may be (which have no reference to the point now at

issue), it is quite certain that the people of Rattleborough, principally

through the persuasion of Mr. Pennifeather, came at length to the

determination of dispersion over the adjacent country in search of the

missing Mr. Shuttleworthy. I say they came to this determination in the

first instance. After it had been fully resolved that a search should be

made, it was considered almost a matter of course that the seekers should

disperse—that is to say, distribute themselves in parties—for

the more thorough examination of the region round about. I forget,

however, by what ingenious train of reasoning it was that “Old Charley”

finally convinced the assembly that this was the most injudicious plan

that could be pursued. Convince them, however, he did—all except Mr.

Pennifeather, and, in the end, it was arranged that a search should be

instituted, carefully and very thoroughly, by the burghers en masse, “Old

Charley” himself leading the way.

As for the matter of that, there could have been no better pioneer than

“Old Charley,” whom everybody knew to have the eye of a lynx; but,

although he led them into all manner of out-of-the-way holes and corners,

by routes that nobody had ever suspected of existing in the neighbourhood,

and although the search was incessantly kept up day and night for nearly a

week, still no trace of Mr. Shuttleworthy could be discovered. When I say

no trace, however, I must not be understood to speak literally; for trace,

to some extent, there certainly was. The poor gentleman had been tracked,

by his horse’s shoes (which were peculiar), to a spot about three miles to

the east of the borough, on the main road leading to the city. Here the

track made off into a by-path through a piece of woodland—the path

coming out again into the main road, and cutting off about half a mile of

the regular distance. Following the shoe-marks down this lane, the party

came at length to a pool of stagnant water, half hidden by the brambles,

to the right of the lane, and opposite this pool all vestige of the track

was lost sight of. It appeared, however, that a struggle of some nature

had here taken place, and it seemed as if some large and heavy body, much

larger and heavier than a man, had been drawn from the by-path to the

pool. This latter was carefully dragged twice, but nothing was found; and

the party was upon the point of going away, in despair of coming to any

result, when Providence suggested to Mr. Goodfellow the expediency of

draining the water off altogether. This project was received with cheers,

and many high compliments to “Old Charley” upon his sagacity and

consideration. As many of the burghers had brought spades with them,

supposing that they might possibly be called upon to disinter a corpse,

the drain was easily and speedily effected; and no sooner was the bottom

visible, than right in the middle of the mud that remained was discovered

a black silk velvet waistcoat, which nearly every one present immediately

recognized as the property of Mr. Pennifeather. This waistcoat was much

torn and stained with blood, and there were several persons among the

party who had a distinct remembrance of its having been worn by its owner

on the very morning of Mr. Shuttleworthy’s departure for the city; while

there were others, again, ready to testify upon oath, if required, that

Mr. P. did not wear the garment in question at any period during the

remainder of that memorable day, nor could any one be found to say that he

had seen it upon Mr. P.‘s person at any period at all subsequent to Mr.

Shuttleworthy’s disappearance.

Matters now wore a very serious aspect for Mr. Pennifeather, and it was

observed, as an indubitable confirmation of the suspicions which were

excited against him, that he grew exceedingly pale, and when asked what he

had to say for himself, was utterly incapable of saying a word. Hereupon,

the few friends his riotous mode of living had left him deserted him at

once to a man, and were even more clamorous than his ancient and avowed

enemies for his instantaneous arrest. But, on the other hand, the

magnanimity of Mr. Goodfellow shone forth with only the more brilliant

lustre through contrast. He made a warm and intensely eloquent defence of

Mr. Pennifeather, in which he alluded more than once to his own sincere

forgiveness of that wild young gentleman—“the heir of the worthy Mr.

Shuttleworthy,”—for the insult which he (the young gentleman) had,

no doubt in the heat of passion, thought proper to put upon him (Mr.

Goodfellow). “He forgave him for it,” he said, “from the very bottom of

his heart; and for himself (Mr. Goodfellow), so far from pushing the

suspicious circumstances to extremity, which he was sorry to say, really

had arisen against Mr. Pennifeather, he (Mr. Goodfellow) would make every

exertion in his power, would employ all the little eloquence in his

possession to—to—to—soften down, as much as he could

conscientiously do so, the worst features of this really exceedingly

perplexing piece of business.”

Mr. Goodfellow went on for some half hour longer in this strain, very much

to the credit both of his head and of his heart; but your warm-hearted

people are seldom apposite in their observations—they run into all

sorts of blunders, contre-temps and mal apropos-isms, in the

hot-headedness of their zeal to serve a friend—thus, often with the

kindest intentions in the world, doing infinitely more to prejudice his

cause than to advance it.

So, in the present instance, it turned out with all the eloquence of “Old

Charley”; for, although he laboured earnestly in behalf of the suspected,

yet it so happened, somehow or other, that every syllable he uttered of

which the direct but unwitting tendency was not to exalt the speaker in

the good opinion of his audience, had the effect to deepen the suspicion

already attached to the individual whose cause he pleaded, and to arouse

against him the fury of the mob.

One of the most unaccountable errors committed by the orator was his

allusion to the suspected as “the heir of the worthy old gentleman Mr.

Shuttleworthy.” The people had really never thought of this before. They

had only remembered certain threats of disinheritance uttered a year or

two previously by the uncle (who had no living relative except the

nephew), and they had, therefore, always looked upon this disinheritance

as a matter that was settled—so single-minded a race of beings were

the Rattleburghers; but the remark of “Old Charley” brought them at once

to a consideration of this point, and thus gave them to see the

possibility of the threats having been nothing more than a threat. And

straightway hereupon, arose the natural question of cui bono?—a

question that tended even more than the waistcoat to fasten the terrible

crime upon the young man. And here, lest I may be misunderstood, permit me

to digress for one moment merely to observe that the exceedingly brief and

simple Latin phrase which I have employed, is invariably mistranslated and

misconceived. “Cui bono?” in all the crack novels and elsewhere,—in

those of Mrs. Gore, for example, (the author of “Cecil,”) a lady who

quotes all tongues from the Chaldaean to Chickasaw, and is helped to her

learning, “as needed,” upon a systematic plan, by Mr. Beckford,—in

all the crack novels, I say, from those of Bulwer and Dickens to those of

Bulwer and Dickens to those of Turnapenny and Ainsworth, the two little

Latin words cui bono are rendered “to what purpose?” or, (as if quo bono,)

“to what good.” Their true meaning, nevertheless, is “for whose

advantage.” Cui, to whom; bono, is it for a benefit. It is a purely legal

phrase, and applicable precisely in cases such as we have now under

consideration, where the probability of the doer of a deed hinges upon the

probability of the benefit accruing to this individual or to that from the

deed’s accomplishment. Now in the present instance, the question cui bono?

very pointedly implicated Mr. Pennifeather. His uncle had threatened him,

after making a will in his favour, with disinheritance. But the threat had

not been actually kept; the original will, it appeared, had not been

altered. Had it been altered, the only supposable motive for murder on the

part of the suspected would have been the ordinary one of revenge; and

even this would have been counteracted by the hope of reinstation into the

good graces of the uncle. But the will being unaltered, while the threat

to alter remained suspended over the nephew’s head, there appears at once

the very strongest possible inducement for the atrocity, and so concluded,

very sagaciously, the worthy citizens of the borough of Rattle.

Mr. Pennifeather was, accordingly, arrested upon the spot, and the crowd,

after some further search, proceeded homeward, having him in custody. On

the route, however, another circumstance occurred tending to confirm the

suspicion entertained. Mr. Goodfellow, whose zeal led him to be always a

little in advance of the party, was seen suddenly to run forward a few

paces, stoop, and then apparently to pick up some small object from the

grass. Having quickly examined it he was observed, too, to make a sort of

half attempt at concealing it in his coat pocket; but this action was

noticed, as I say, and consequently prevented, when the object picked up

was found to be a Spanish knife which a dozen persons at once recognized

as belonging to Mr. Pennifeather. Moreover, his initials were engraved

upon the handle. The blade of this knife was open and bloody.

No doubt now remained of the guilt of the nephew, and immediately upon

reaching Rattleborough he was taken before a magistrate for examination.

Here matters again took a most unfavourable turn. The prisoner, being

questioned as to his whereabouts on the morning of Mr. Shuttleworthy’s

disappearance, had absolutely the audacity to acknowledge that on that

very morning he had been out with his rifle deer-stalking, in the

immediate neighbourhood of the pool where the blood-stained waistcoat had

been discovered through the sagacity of Mr. Goodfellow.

This latter now came forward, and, with tears in his eyes, asked

permission to be examined. He said that a stern sense of the duty he owed

his Maker, not less than his fellow-men, would permit him no longer to

remain silent. Hitherto, the sincerest affection for the young man

(notwithstanding the latter’s ill-treatment of himself, Mr. Goodfellow)

had induced him to make every hypothesis which imagination could suggest,

by way of endeavoring to account for what appeared suspicious in the

circumstances that told so seriously against Mr. Pennifeather, but these

circumstances were now altogether too convincing—too damning; he

would hesitate no longer—he would tell all he knew, although his

heart (Mr. Goodfellow’s) should absolutely burst asunder in the effort. He

then went on to state that, on the afternoon of the day previous to Mr.

Shuttleworthy’s departure for the city, that worthy old gentleman had

mentioned to his nephew, in his hearing (Mr. Goodfellow’s), that his

object in going to town on the morrow was to make a deposit of an

unusually large sum of money in the “Farmers’ and Mechanics’ Bank,” and

that, then and there, the said Mr. Shuttleworthy had distinctly avowed to

the said nephew his irrevocable determination of rescinding the will

originally made, and of cutting him off with a shilling. He (the witness)

now solemnly called upon the accused to state whether what he (the

witness) had just stated was or was not the truth in every substantial

particular. Much to the astonishment of every one present, Mr.

Pennifeather frankly admitted that it was.

The magistrate now considered it his duty to send a couple of constables

to search the chamber of the accused in the house of his uncle. From this

search they almost immediately returned with the well-known steel-bound,

russet leather pocket-book which the old gentleman had been in the habit

of carrying for years. Its valuable contents, however, had been

abstracted, and the magistrate in vain endeavored to extort from the

prisoner the use which had been made of them, or the place of their

concealment. Indeed, he obstinately denied all knowledge of the matter.

The constables, also, discovered, between the bed and sacking of the

unhappy man, a shirt and neck-handkerchief both marked with the initials

of his name, and both hideously besmeared with the blood of the victim.

At this juncture, it was announced that the horse of the murdered man had

just expired in the stable from the effects of the wound he had received,

and it was proposed by Mr. Goodfellow that a post mortem examination of

the beast should be immediately made, with the view, if possible, of

discovering the ball. This was accordingly done; and, as if to demonstrate

beyond a question the guilt of the accused, Mr. Goodfellow, after

considerable searching in the cavity of the chest was enabled to detect

and to pull forth a bullet of very extraordinary size, which, upon trial,

was found to be exactly adapted to the bore of Mr. Pennifeather’s rifle,

while it was far too large for that of any other person in the borough or

its vicinity. To render the matter even surer yet, however, this bullet

was discovered to have a flaw or seam at right angles to the usual suture,

and upon examination, this seam corresponded precisely with an accidental

ridge or elevation in a pair of moulds acknowledged by the accused himself

to be his own property. Upon finding of this bullet, the examining

magistrate refused to listen to any farther testimony, and immediately

committed the prisoner for trial—declining resolutely to take any bail in

the case, although against this severity Mr. Goodfellow very warmly

remonstrated, and offered to become surety in whatever amount might be

required. This generosity on the part of “Old Charley” was only in

accordance with the whole tenor of his amiable and chivalrous conduct

during the entire period of his sojourn in the borough of Rattle. In the

present instance the worthy man was so entirely carried away by the

excessive warmth of his sympathy, that he seemed to have quite forgotten,

when he offered to go bail for his young friend, that he himself (Mr.

Goodfellow) did not possess a single dollar’s worth of property upon the

face of the earth.

The result of the committal may be readily foreseen. Mr. Pennifeather,

amid the loud execrations of all Rattleborough, was brought to trial at

the next criminal sessions, when the chain of circumstantial evidence

(strengthened as it was by some additional damning facts, which Mr.

Goodfellow’s sensitive conscientiousness forbade him to withhold from the

court) was considered so unbroken and so thoroughly conclusive, that the

jury, without leaving their seats, returned an immediate verdict of

“Guilty of murder in the first degree.” Soon afterward the unhappy wretch

received sentence of death, and was remanded to the county jail to await

the inexorable vengeance of the law.

In the meantime, the noble behavior of “Old Charley Goodfellow,” had

doubly endeared him to the honest citizens of the borough. He became ten

times a greater favorite than ever, and, as a natural result of the

hospitality with which he was treated, he relaxed, as it were, perforce,

the extremely parsimonious habits which his poverty had hitherto impelled

him to observe, and very frequently had little reunions at his own house,

when wit and jollity reigned supreme—dampened a little, of course, by the

occasional remembrance of the untoward and melancholy fate which impended

over the nephew of the late lamented bosom friend of the generous host.

One fine day, this magnanimous old gentleman was agreeably surprised at

the receipt of the following letter:

Charles Goodfellow, Esq., Rattleborough

From H.F.B. & Co.

Chat. Mar. A—No. 1.—6 doz. bottles (1/2 Gross)

“Charles Goodfellow, Esquire.

“Dear Sir—In conformity with an order transmitted to our firm

about two months since, by our esteemed correspondent, Mr. Barnabus

Shuttleworthy, we have the honor of forwarding this morning, to your address, a

double box of Chateau-Margaux of the antelope brand, violet seal. Box numbered

and marked as per margin.

“We remain, sir,

“Your most ob’nt ser’ts,

“HOGGS, FROGS, BOGS, & CO.

“City of—, June 21, 18—.

“P.S.—The box will reach you by wagon, on the day after your

receipt of this letter. Our respects to Mr. Shuttleworthy.

“H., F., B., & CO.”

The fact is, that Mr. Goodfellow had, since the death of Mr.

Shuttleworthy, given over all expectation of ever receiving the promised

Chateau-Margaux; and he, therefore, looked upon it now as a sort of

especial dispensation of Providence in his behalf. He was highly

delighted, of course, and in the exuberance of his joy invited a large

party of friends to a petit souper on the morrow, for the purpose of

broaching the good old Mr. Shuttleworthy’s present. Not that he said any

thing about “the good old Mr. Shuttleworthy” when he issued the

invitations. The fact is, he thought much and concluded to say nothing at

all. He did not mention to any one—if I remember aright—that

he had received a present of Chateau-Margaux. He merely asked his friends

to come and help him drink some, of a remarkable fine quality and rich

flavour, that he had ordered up from the city a couple of months ago, and

of which he would be in the receipt upon the morrow. I have often puzzled

myself to imagine why it was that “Old Charley” came to the conclusion to

say nothing about having received the wine from his old friend, but I

could never precisely understand his reason for the silence, although he

had some excellent and very magnanimous reason, no doubt.

The morrow at length arrived, and with it a very large and highly

respectable company at Mr. Goodfellow’s house. Indeed, half the borough

was there,—I myself among the number,—but, much to the

vexation of the host, the Chateau-Margaux did not arrive until a late

hour, and when the sumptuous supper supplied by “Old Charley” had been

done very ample justice by the guests. It came at length, however,—a

monstrously big box of it there was, too—and as the whole party were

in excessively good humor, it was decided, nem. con., that it should be

lifted upon the table and its contents disembowelled forthwith.

No sooner said than done. I lent a helping hand; and, in a trice we had

the box upon the table, in the midst of all the bottles and glasses, not a

few of which were demolished in the scuffle. “Old Charley,” who was pretty

much intoxicated, and excessively red in the face, now took a seat, with

an air of mock dignity, at the head of the board, and thumped furiously

upon it with a decanter, calling upon the company to keep order “during

the ceremony of disinterring the treasure.”

After some vociferation, quiet was at length fully restored, and, as very

often happens in similar cases, a profound and remarkable silence ensued.

Being then requested to force open the lid, I complied, of course, “with

an infinite deal of pleasure.” I inserted a chisel, and giving it a few

slight taps with a hammer, the top of the box flew suddenly off, and at

the same instant, there sprang up into a sitting position, directly facing

the host, the bruised, bloody, and nearly putrid corpse of the murdered

Mr. Shuttleworthy himself. It gazed for a few seconds, fixedly and

sorrowfully, with its decaying and lack-lustre eyes, full into the

countenance of Mr. Goodfellow; uttered slowly, but clearly and

impressively, the words—“Thou art the man!” and then, falling over

the side of the chest as if thoroughly satisfied, stretched out its limbs

quiveringly upon the table.

The scene that ensued is altogether beyond description. The rush for the

doors and windows was terrific, and many of the most robust men in the

room fainted outright through sheer horror. But after the first wild,

shrieking burst of affright, all eyes were directed to Mr. Goodfellow. If

I live a thousand years, I can never forget the more than mortal agony

which was depicted in that ghastly face of his, so lately rubicund with

triumph and wine. For several minutes he sat rigidly as a statue of

marble; his eyes seeming, in the intense vacancy of their gaze, to be

turned inward and absorbed in the contemplation of his own miserable,

murderous soul. At length their expression appeared to flash suddenly out

into the external world, when, with a quick leap, he sprang from his

chair, and falling heavily with his head and shoulders upon the table, and

in contact with the corpse, poured out rapidly and vehemently a detailed

confession of the hideous crime for which Mr. Pennifeather was then

imprisoned and doomed to die.

What he recounted was in substance this:—He followed his victim to

the vicinity of the pool; there shot his horse with a pistol; despatched

its rider with the butt end; possessed himself of the pocket-book; and,

supposing the horse dead, dragged it with great labour to the brambles by

the pond. Upon his own beast he slung the corpse of Mr. Shuttleworthy, and

thus bore it to a secure place of concealment a long distance off through

the woods.

The waistcoat, the knife, the pocket-book, and bullet, had been placed by

himself where found, with the view of avenging himself upon Mr.

Pennifeather. He had also contrived the discovery of the stained

handkerchief and shirt.

Toward the end of the blood-chilling recital the words of the guilty

wretch faltered and grew hollow. When the record was finally exhausted, he

arose, staggered backward from the table, and fell—_dead_.

The means by which this happily-timed confession was extorted, although

efficient, were simple indeed. Mr. Goodfellow’s excess of frankness had

disgusted me, and excited my suspicions from the first. I was present when

Mr. Pennifeather had struck him, and the fiendish expression which then

arose upon his countenance, although momentary, assured me that his threat

of vengeance would, if possible, be rigidly fulfilled. I was thus prepared

to view the manoeuvering of “Old Charley” in a very different light from

that in which it was regarded by the good citizens of Rattleborough. I saw

at once that all the criminating discoveries arose, either directly or

indirectly, from himself. But the fact which clearly opened my eyes to the

true state of the case, was the affair of the bullet, found by Mr. G. in

the carcass of the horse. I had not forgotten, although the Rattleburghers

had, that there was a hole where the ball had entered the horse, and

another where it went out. If it were found in the animal then, after

having made its exit, I saw clearly that it must have been deposited by

the person who found it. The bloody shirt and handkerchief confirmed the

idea suggested by the bullet; for the blood on examination proved to be

capital claret, and no more. When I came to think of these things, and

also of the late increase of liberality and expenditure on the part of Mr.

Goodfellow, I entertained a suspicion which was none the less strong

because I kept it altogether to myself.

In the meantime, I instituted a rigorous private search for the corpse of

Mr. Shuttleworthy, and, for good reasons, searched in quarters as

divergent as possible from those to which Mr. Goodfellow conducted his

party. The result was that, after some days, I came across an old dry

well, the mouth of which was nearly hidden by brambles; and here, at the

bottom, I discovered what I sought.

Now it so happened that I had overheard the colloquy between the two

cronies, when Mr. Goodfellow had contrived to cajole his host into the

promise of a box of Chateaux-Margaux. Upon this hint I acted. I procured a

stiff piece of whalebone, thrust it down the throat of the corpse, and

deposited the latter in an old wine box—taking care so to double the body

up as to double the whalebone with it. In this manner I had to press

forcibly upon the lid to keep it down while I secured it with nails; and I

anticipated, of course, that as soon as these latter were removed, the top

would fly off and the body up.

Having thus arranged the box, I marked, numbered, and addressed it as

already told; and then writing a letter in the name of the wine merchants

with whom Mr. Shuttleworthy dealt, I gave instructions to my servant to

wheel the box to Mr. Goodfellow’s door, in a barrow, at a given signal

from myself. For the words which I intended the corpse to speak, I

confidently depended upon my ventriloquial abilities; for their effect, I

counted upon the conscience of the murderous wretch.

I believe there is nothing more to be explained. Mr. Pennifeather was

released upon the spot, inherited the fortune of his uncle, profited by

the lessons of experience, turned over a new leaf, and led happily ever

afterward a new life.

WHY THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING

It’s on my visiting cards sure enough (and it’s them that’s all o’ pink

satin paper) that inny gintleman that plases may behould the intheristhin’

words, “Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt, 39 Southampton Row, Russell

Square, Parrish o’ Bloomsbury.” And shud ye be wantin’ to diskiver who is

the pink of purliteness quite, and the laider of the hot tun in the houl

city o’ Lonon—why it’s jist mesilf. And fait that same is no wonder

at all at all (so be plased to stop curlin’ your nose), for every inch o’

the six wakes that I’ve been a gintleman, and left aff wid the

bog-throthing to take up wid the Barronissy, it’s Pathrick that’s been

living like a houly imperor, and gitting the iddication and the graces.

Och! and wouldn’t it be a blessed thing for your spirrits if ye cud lay

your two peepers jist, upon Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt, when he

is all riddy drissed for the hopperer, or stipping into the Brisky for the

drive into the Hyde Park. But it’s the illigant big figgur that I ’ave, for

the rason o’ which all the ladies fall in love wid me. Isn’t it my own

swate silf now that’ll missure the six fut, and the three inches more nor

that, in me stockins, and that am excadingly will proportioned all over to

match? And it is ralelly more than three fut and a bit that there is, inny

how, of the little ould furrener Frinchman that lives jist over the way,

and that’s a-oggling and a-goggling the houl day, (and bad luck to him,)

at the purty widdy Misthress Tracle that’s my own nixt-door neighbor, (God

bliss her!) and a most particuller frind and acquaintance? You percave the

little spalpeen is summat down in the mouth, and wears his lift hand in a

sling, and it’s for that same thing, by yur lave, that I’m going to give

you the good rason.

The truth of the houl matter is jist simple enough; for the very first day

that I com’d from Connaught, and showd my swate little silf in the strait

to the widdy, who was looking through the windy, it was a gone case

althegither with the heart o’ the purty Misthress Tracle. I percaved it,

ye see, all at once, and no mistake, and that’s God’s truth. First of all

it was up wid the windy in a jiffy, and thin she threw open her two

peepers to the itmost, and thin it was a little gould spy-glass that she

clapped tight to one o’ them and divil may burn me if it didn’t spake to

me as plain as a peeper cud spake, and says it, through the spy-glass:

“Och! the tip o’ the mornin’ to ye, Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt,

mavourneen; and it’s a nate gintleman that ye are, sure enough, and it’s

mesilf and me forten jist that’ll be at yur sarvice, dear, inny time o’

day at all at all for the asking.” And it’s not mesilf ye wud have to be

bate in the purliteness; so I made her a bow that wud ha’ broken yur heart

altegither to behould, and thin I pulled aff me hat with a flourish, and

thin I winked at her hard wid both eyes, as much as to say, “True for you,

yer a swate little crature, Mrs. Tracle, me darlint, and I wish I may be

drownthed dead in a bog, if it’s not mesilf, Sir Pathrick O’Grandison,

Barronitt, that’ll make a houl bushel o’ love to yur leddyship, in the

twinkling o’ the eye of a Londonderry purraty.”

And it was the nixt mornin’, sure, jist as I was making up me mind whither

it wouldn’t be the purlite thing to sind a bit o’ writin’ to the widdy by

way of a love-litter, when up com’d the delivery servant wid an illigant

card, and he tould me that the name on it (for I niver could rade the

copperplate printin’ on account of being lift handed) was all about

Mounseer, the Count, A Goose, Look-aisy, Maiter-di-dauns, and that

the houl of the divilish lingo was the spalpeeny long name of the little

ould furrener Frinchman as lived over the way.

And jist wid that in cum’d the little willian himself, and then he made me

a broth of a bow, and thin he said he had ounly taken the liberty of doing

me the honor of the giving me a call, and thin he went on to palaver at a

great rate, and divil the bit did I comprehind what he wud be afther the

tilling me at all at all, excipting and saving that he said “pully wou,

woolly wou,” and tould me, among a bushel o’ lies, bad luck to him, that

he was mad for the love o’ my widdy Misthress Tracle, and that my widdy

Mrs. Tracle had a puncheon for him.

At the hearin’ of this, ye may swear, though, I was as mad as a

grasshopper, but I remimbered that I was Sir Pathrick O’Grandison,

Barronitt, and that it wasn’t althegither gentaal to lit the anger git the

upper hand o’ the purliteness, so I made light o’ the matter and kipt

dark, and got quite sociable wid the little chap, and afther a while what

did he do but ask me to go wid him to the widdy’s, saying he wud give me

the feshionable inthroduction to her leddyship.

“Is it there ye are?” said I thin to mesilf, “and it’s thrue for you,

Pathrick, that ye’re the fortunittest mortal in life. We’ll soon see now

whither it’s your swate silf, or whither it’s little Mounseer

Maiter-di-dauns, that Misthress Tracle is head and ears in the love wid.”

Wid that we wint aff to the widdy’s, next door, and ye may well say it was

an illigant place; so it was. There was a carpet all over the floor, and

in one corner there was a forty-pinny and a Jew’s harp and the divil knows

what ilse, and in another corner was a sofy, the beautifullest thing in

all natur, and sitting on the sofy, sure enough, there was the swate

little angel, Misthress Tracle.

“The tip o’ the mornin’ to ye,” says I, “Mrs. Tracle,” and thin I made

sich an illigant obaysance that it wud ha quite althegither bewildered the

brain o’ ye.

“Wully woo, pully woo, plump in the mud,” says the little furrenner

Frinchman, “and sure Mrs. Tracle,” says he, that he did, “isn’t this

gintleman here jist his reverence Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt, and

isn’t he althegither and entirely the most particular frind and

acquaintance that I have in the houl world?”

And wid that the widdy, she gits up from the sofy, and makes the swatest

curthchy nor iver was seen; and thin down she sits like an angel; and

thin, by the powers, it was that little spalpeen Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns

that plumped his silf right down by the right side of her. Och hon! I

ixpicted the two eyes o’ me wud ha cum’d out of my head on the spot, I was

so dispirate mad! Howiver, “Bait who!” says I, after awhile. “Is it there

ye are, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns?” and so down I plumped on the lift side

of her leddyship, to be aven with the willain. Botheration! it wud ha done

your heart good to percave the illigant double wink that I gived her jist

thin right in the face with both eyes.

But the little ould Frinchman he niver beginned to suspict me at all at

all, and disperate hard it was he made the love to her leddyship. “Woully

wou,” says he, “Pully wou,” says he, “Plump in the mud,” says he.

“That’s all to no use, Mounseer Frog, mavourneen,” thinks I; and I talked

as hard and as fast as I could all the while, and throth it was mesilf

jist that divarted her leddyship complately and intirely, by rason of the

illigant conversation that I kipt up wid her all about the dear bogs of

Connaught. And by and by she gived me such a swate smile, from one ind of

her mouth to the ither, that it made me as bould as a pig, and I jist took

hould of the ind of her little finger in the most dilikittest manner in

natur, looking at her all the while out o’ the whites of my eyes.

And then ounly percave the cuteness of the swate angel, for no sooner did

she obsarve that I was afther the squazing of her flipper, than she up wid

it in a jiffy, and put it away behind her back, jist as much as to say,

“Now thin, Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, there’s a bitther chance for ye,

mavourneen, for it’s not altogether the gentaal thing to be afther the

squazing of my flipper right full in the sight of that little furrenner

Frinchman, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns.”

Wid that I giv’d her a big wink jist to say, “lit Sir Pathrick alone for

the likes o’ them thricks,” and thin I wint aisy to work, and you’d have

died wid the divarsion to behould how cliverly I slipped my right arm

betwane the back o’ the sofy, and the back of her leddyship, and there,

sure enough, I found a swate little flipper all a waiting to say, “the tip

o’ the mornin’ to ye, Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt.” And wasn’t it

mesilf, sure, that jist giv’d it the laste little bit of a squaze in the

world, all in the way of a commincement, and not to be too rough wid her

leddyship? and och, botheration, wasn’t it the gentaalest and dilikittest

of all the little squazes that I got in return? “Blood and thunder, Sir

Pathrick, mavourneen,” thinks I to mesilf, “fait it’s jist the mother’s

son of you, and nobody else at all at all, that’s the handsomest and the

fortunittest young bog-throtter that ever cum’d out of Connaught!” And

with that I givd the flipper a big squaze, and a big squaze it was, by the

powers, that her leddyship giv’d to me back. But it would ha split the

seven sides of you wid the laffin’ to behould, jist then all at once, the

consated behavior of Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns. The likes o’ sich a

jabbering, and a smirking, and a parley-wouing as he begin’d wid her

leddyship, niver was known before upon arth; and divil may burn me if it

wasn’t me own very two peepers that cotch’d him tipping her the wink out

of one eye. Och, hon! if it wasn’t mesilf thin that was mad as a Kilkenny

cat I shud like to be tould who it was!

“Let me infarm you, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns,” said I, as purlite as iver

ye seed, “that it’s not the gintaal thing at all at all, and not for the

likes o’ you inny how, to be afther the oggling and a-goggling at her

leddyship in that fashion,” and jist wid that such another squaze as it

was I giv’d her flipper, all as much as to say, “isn’t it Sir Pathrick

now, my jewel, that’ll be able to the protectin’ o’ you, my darlint?” and

then there cum’d another squaze back, all by way of the answer. “Thrue for

you, Sir Pathrick,” it said as plain as iver a squaze said in the world,

“Thrue for you, Sir Pathrick, mavourneen, and it’s a proper nate gintleman

ye are—that’s God’s truth,” and with that she opened her two

beautiful peepers till I belaved they wud ha’ cum’d out of her hid

althegither and intirely, and she looked first as mad as a cat at Mounseer

Frog, and thin as smiling as all out o’ doors at mesilf.

“Thin,” says he, the willian, “Och hon! and a wolly-wou, pully-wou,” and

then wid that he shoved up his two shoulders till the divil the bit of his

hid was to be diskivered, and then he let down the two corners of his

purraty-trap, and thin not a haporth more of the satisfaction could I git

out o’ the spalpeen.

Belave me, my jewel, it was Sir Pathrick that was unreasonable mad thin,

and the more by token that the Frinchman kipt an wid his winking at the

widdy; and the widdy she kept an wid the squazing of my flipper, as much

as to say, “At him again, Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, mavourneen:” so I just

ripped out wid a big oath, and says I:

“Ye little spalpeeny frog of a bog-throtting son of a bloody noun!”—and

jist thin what d’ye think it was that her leddyship did? Troth she jumped

up from the sofy as if she was bit, and made off through the door, while I

turned my head round afther her, in a complate bewilderment and

botheration, and followed her wid me two peepers. You percave I had a

reason of my own for knowing that she couldn’t git down the stares

althegither and intirely; for I knew very well that I had hould of her

hand, for the divil the bit had I iver lit it go. And says I:

“Isn’t it the laste little bit of a mistake in the world that

ye’ve been afther the making, yer leddyship? Come back now,

that’s a darlint, and I’ll give ye yur flipper.” But

aff she wint down the stairs like a shot, and thin I turned round to the

little Frinch furrenner. Och hon! if it wasn’t his spalpeeny little

paw that I had hould of in my own—why thin—thin it

wasn’t—that’s all.

And maybe it wasn’t mesilf that jist died then outright wid the laffin’,

to behold the little chap when he found out that it wasn’t the widdy at

all at all that he had had hould of all the time, but only Sir Pathrick

O’Grandison. The ould divil himself niver behild sich a long face as he

pet an! As for Sir Pathrick O’Grandison, Barronitt, it wasn’t for the

likes of his riverence to be afther the minding of a thrifle of a mistake.

Ye may jist say, though (for it’s God’s thruth), that afore I left hould

of the flipper of the spalpeen (which was not till afther her leddyship’s

futman had kicked us both down the stairs), I giv’d it such a nate little

broth of a squaze as made it all up into raspberry jam.

“Woully wou,” says he, “pully wou,” says he—“Cot tam!”

And that’s jist the thruth of the rason why he wears his lift hand in a

sling.

BON-BON.

Quand un bon vin meuble mon estomac,

Je suis plus savant que Balzac—

Plus sage que Pibrac;

Mon bras seul faisant l’attaque

De la nation Cossaque,

La mettroit au sac;

De Charon je passerois le lac,

En dormant dans son bac;

J’irois au fier Eac,

Sans que mon coeur fit tic ni tac,

Présenter du tabac.

—_French Vaudeville_

That Pierre Bon-Bon was a _restaurateur_ of uncommon qualifications,

no man who, during the reign of——, frequented the little Câfé

in the cul-de-sac Le Febre at Rouen, will, I imagine, feel himself at

liberty to dispute. That Pierre Bon-Bon was, in an equal degree, skilled

in the philosophy of that period is, I presume, still more especially

undeniable. His _patés à la fois_ were beyond doubt immaculate; but

what pen can do justice to his essays _sur la Nature_—his

thoughts _sur l’Ame_—his observations _sur l’Esprit?_ If

his _omelettes_—if his _fricandeaux_ were inestimable,

what _littérateur_ of that day would not have given twice as much for

an “_Idée de Bon-Bon_” as for all the trash of “_Idées_” of all

the rest of the _savants?_ Bon-Bon had ransacked libraries which no

other man had ransacked—had more than any other would have

entertained a notion of reading—had understood more than any other

would have conceived the possibility of understanding; and although, while

he flourished, there were not wanting some authors at Rouen to assert

“that his _dicta_ evinced neither the purity of the Academy, nor the

depth of the Lyceum”—although, mark me, his doctrines were by no

means very generally comprehended, still it did not follow that they were

difficult of comprehension. It was, I think, on account of their

self-evidency that many persons were led to consider them abstruse. It is

to Bon-Bon—but let this go no farther—it is to Bon-Bon that

Kant himself is mainly indebted for his metaphysics. The former was indeed

not a Platonist, nor strictly speaking an Aristotelian—nor did he,

like the modern Leibnitz, waste those precious hours which might be

employed in the invention of a _fricasée_ or, _facili gradú_,

the analysis of a sensation, in frivolous attempts at reconciling the

obstinate oils and waters of ethical discussion. Not at all. Bon-Bon was

Ionic—Bon-Bon was equally Italic. He reasoned _à priori_—He

reasoned also _à posteriori_. His ideas were innate—or

otherwise. He believed in George of Trebizonde—He believed in

Bossarion [Bessarion]. Bon-Bon was emphatically a—Bon-Bonist.

I have spoken of the philosopher in his capacity of _restaurateur_. I

would not, however, have any friend of mine imagine that, in fulfilling

his hereditary duties in that line, our hero wanted a proper estimation of

their dignity and importance. Far from it. It was impossible to say in

which branch of his profession he took the greater pride. In his opinion

the powers of the intellect held intimate connection with the capabilities

of the stomach. I am not sure, indeed, that he greatly disagreed with the

Chinese, who held that the soul lies in the abdomen. The Greeks at all

events were right, he thought, who employed the same words for the mind

and the diaphragm. (*1) By this I do not mean to insinuate a charge of

gluttony, or indeed any other serious charge to the prejudice of the

metaphysician. If Pierre Bon-Bon had his failings—and what great man

has not a thousand?—if Pierre Bon-Bon, I say, had his failings, they

were failings of very little importance—faults indeed which, in

other tempers, have often been looked upon rather in the light of virtues.

As regards one of these foibles, I should not even have mentioned it in

this history but for the remarkable prominency—the extreme _alto

relievo_—in which it jutted out from the plane of his general

disposition. He could never let slip an opportunity of making a bargain.

{*1} MD

Not that he was avaricious—no. It was by no means necessary to the

satisfaction of the philosopher, that the bargain should be to his own

proper advantage. Provided a trade could be effected—a trade of any

kind, upon any terms, or under any circumstances—a triumphant smile

was seen for many days thereafter to enlighten his countenance, and a

knowing wink of the eye to give evidence of his sagacity.

At any epoch it would not be very wonderful if a humor so peculiar as the

one I have just mentioned, should elicit attention and remark. At the

epoch of our narrative, had this peculiarity not attracted observation,

there would have been room for wonder indeed. It was soon reported that,

upon all occasions of the kind, the smile of Bon-Bon was wont to differ

widely from the downright grin with which he would laugh at his own jokes,

or welcome an acquaintance. Hints were thrown out of an exciting nature;

stories were told of perilous bargains made in a hurry and repented of at

leisure; and instances were adduced of unaccountable capacities, vague

longings, and unnatural inclinations implanted by the author of all evil

for wise purposes of his own.

The philosopher had other weaknesses—but they are scarcely worthy

our serious examination. For example, there are few men of extraordinary

profundity who are found wanting in an inclination for the bottle. Whether

this inclination be an exciting cause, or rather a valid proof of such

profundity, it is a nice thing to say. Bon-Bon, as far as I can learn, did

not think the subject adapted to minute investigation;—nor do I. Yet

in the indulgence of a propensity so truly classical, it is not to be

supposed that the restaurateur would lose sight of that intuitive

discrimination which was wont to characterize, at one and the same time,

his essais and his omelettes. In his seclusions the Vin de Bourgogne had

its allotted hour, and there were appropriate moments for the Cotes du

Rhone. With him Sauterne was to Medoc what Catullus was to Homer. He would

sport with a syllogism in sipping St. Peray, but unravel an argument over

Clos de Vougeot, and upset a theory in a torrent of Chambertin. Well had

it been if the same quick sense of propriety had attended him in the

peddling propensity to which I have formerly alluded—but this was by

no means the case. Indeed to say the truth, that trait of mind in the

philosophic Bon-Bon did begin at length to assume a character of strange

intensity and mysticism, and appeared deeply tinctured with the diablerie

of his favorite German studies.

To enter the little _café_ in the _cul-de-sac_ Le Febre was, at the period of

our tale, to enter the sanctum of a man of genius. Bon-Bon was a man of

genius. There was not a sous-cusinier in Rouen, who could not have told

you that Bon-Bon was a man of genius. His very cat knew it, and forebore

to whisk her tail in the presence of the man of genius. His large

water-dog was acquainted with the fact, and upon the approach of his

master, betrayed his sense of inferiority by a sanctity of deportment, a

debasement of the ears, and a dropping of the lower jaw not altogether

unworthy of a dog. It is, however, true that much of this habitual respect

might have been attributed to the personal appearance of the

metaphysician. A distinguished exterior will, I am constrained to say,

have its way even with a beast; and I am willing to allow much in the

outward man of the restaurateur calculated to impress the imagination of

the quadruped. There is a peculiar majesty about the atmosphere of the

little great—if I may be permitted so equivocal an expression—which

mere physical bulk alone will be found at all times inefficient in

creating. If, however, Bon-Bon was barely three feet in height, and if his

head was diminutively small, still it was impossible to behold the

rotundity of his stomach without a sense of magnificence nearly bordering

upon the sublime. In its size both dogs and men must have seen a type of

his acquirements—in its immensity a fitting habitation for his

immortal soul.

I might here—if it so pleased me—dilate upon the matter of

habiliment, and other mere circumstances of the external metaphysician. I

might hint that the hair of our hero was worn short, combed smoothly over

his forehead, and surmounted by a conical-shaped white flannel cap and

tassels—that his pea-green jerkin was not after the fashion of those

worn by the common class of restaurateurs at that day—that the

sleeves were something fuller than the reigning costume permitted—that

the cuffs were turned up, not as usual in that barbarous period, with

cloth of the same quality and color as the garment, but faced in a more

fanciful manner with the particolored velvet of Genoa—that his

slippers were of a bright purple, curiously filigreed, and might have been

manufactured in Japan, but for the exquisite pointing of the toes, and the

brilliant tints of the binding and embroidery—that his breeches were

of the yellow satin-like material called aimable—that his sky-blue

cloak, resembling in form a dressing-wrapper, and richly bestudded all

over with crimson devices, floated cavalierly upon his shoulders like a

mist of the morning—and that his tout ensemble gave rise to the

remarkable words of Benevenuta, the Improvisatrice of Florence, “that it

was difficult to say whether Pierre Bon-Bon was indeed a bird of Paradise,

or rather a very Paradise of perfection.” I might, I say, expatiate upon

all these points if I pleased,—but I forbear, merely personal

details may be left to historical novelists,—they are beneath the

moral dignity of matter-of-fact.

I have said that “to enter the _café_ in the _cul-de-sac_ Le Febre was to

enter the sanctum of a man of genius”—but then it was only the man

of genius who could duly estimate the merits of the _sanctum_. A sign,

consisting of a vast folio, swung before the entrance. On one side of the

volume was painted a bottle; on the reverse a _paté_. On the back were

visible in large letters _Œuvres de Bon-Bon_. Thus was delicately shadowed

forth the two-fold occupation of the proprietor.

Upon stepping over the threshold, the whole interior of the building

presented itself to view. A long, low-pitched room, of antique

construction, was indeed all the accommodation afforded by the _café_. In a

corner of the apartment stood the bed of the metaphysician. An army of

curtains, together with a canopy _à la Grècque_, gave it an air at once

classic and comfortable. In the corner diagonary opposite, appeared, in

direct family communion, the properties of the kitchen and the

_bibliotheque_. A dish of polemics stood peacefully upon the dresser. Here

lay an ovenful of the latest ethics—there a kettle of dudecimo

_mélanges_. Volumes of German morality were hand and glove with the gridiron—a

toasting-fork might be discovered by the side of Eusebius—Plato

reclined at his ease in the frying-pan—and contemporary manuscripts

were filed away upon the spit.

In other respects the _Café de Bon-Bon_ might be said to differ little from

the usual restaurants of the period. A fireplace yawned opposite the door.

On the right of the fireplace an open cupboard displayed a formidable

array of labelled bottles.

It was here, about twelve o’clock one night during the severe

winter of ——, that Pierre Bon-Bon, after having listened to

the comments of his neighbours upon his singular propensity—that

Pierre Bon-Bon, I say, having turned them all out of his house, locked

the door upon them with an oath, and betook himself in no very pacific

mood to the comforts of a leather-bottomed arm-chair, and a fire of

blazing fagots.

It was one of those terrific nights which are only met with once or twice

during a century. It snowed fiercely, and the house tottered to its centre

with the floods of wind that, rushing through the crannies in the wall,

and pouring impetuously down the chimney, shook awfully the curtains of

the philosopher’s bed, and disorganized the economy of his pate-pans and

papers. The huge folio sign that swung without, exposed to the fury of the

tempest, creaked ominously, and gave out a moaning sound from its

stanchions of solid oak.

It was in no placid temper, I say, that the metaphysician drew up his

chair to its customary station by the hearth. Many circumstances of a

perplexing nature had occurred during the day, to disturb the serenity of

his meditations. In attempting _des oeufs à la Princesse_, he had

unfortunately perpetrated an _omelette à la Reine;_ the discovery of a

principle in ethics had been frustrated by the overturning of a stew; and

last, not least, he had been thwarted in one of those admirable bargains

which he at all times took such especial delight in bringing to a

successful termination. But in the chafing of his mind at these

unaccountable vicissitudes, there did not fail to be mingled some degree

of that nervous anxiety which the fury of a boisterous night is so well

calculated to produce. Whistling to his more immediate vicinity the large

black water-dog we have spoken of before, and settling himself uneasily in

his chair, he could not help casting a wary and unquiet eye toward those

distant recesses of the apartment whose inexorable shadows not even the

red firelight itself could more than partially succeed in overcoming.

Having completed a scrutiny whose exact purpose was perhaps unintelligible

to himself, he drew close to his seat a small table covered with books and

papers, and soon became absorbed in the task of retouching a voluminous

manuscript, intended for publication on the morrow.

He had been thus occupied for some minutes when “I am in no hurry,

Monsieur Bon-Bon,” suddenly whispered a whining voice in the apartment.

“The devil!” ejaculated our hero, starting to his feet, overturning the

table at his side, and staring around him in astonishment.

“Very true,” calmly replied the voice.

“Very true!—what is very true?—how came you here?” vociferated

the metaphysician, as his eye fell upon something which lay stretched at

full length upon the bed.

“I was saying,” said the intruder, without attending to the

interrogatives,—“I was saying that I am not at all pushed for time—that

the business upon which I took the liberty of calling, is of no pressing

importance—in short, that I can very well wait until you have

finished your Exposition.”

“My Exposition!—there now!—how do you know?—how came you

to understand that I was writing an Exposition?—good God!”

“Hush!” replied the figure, in a shrill undertone; and, arising quickly

from the bed, he made a single step toward our hero, while an iron lamp

that depended over-head swung convulsively back from his approach.

The philosopher’s amazement did not prevent a narrow scrutiny of the

stranger’s dress and appearance. The outlines of his figure, exceedingly

lean, but much above the common height, were rendered minutely distinct,

by means of a faded suit of black cloth which fitted tight to the skin,

but was otherwise cut very much in the style of a century ago. These

garments had evidently been intended for a much shorter person than their

present owner. His ankles and wrists were left naked for several inches.

In his shoes, however, a pair of very brilliant buckles gave the lie to

the extreme poverty implied by the other portions of his dress. His head

was bare, and entirely bald, with the exception of a hinder part, from

which depended a queue of considerable length. A pair of green spectacles,

with side glasses, protected his eyes from the influence of the light, and

at the same time prevented our hero from ascertaining either their color

or their conformation. About the entire person there was no evidence of a

shirt, but a white cravat, of filthy appearance, was tied with extreme

precision around the throat and the ends hanging down formally side by

side gave (although I dare say unintentionally) the idea of an

ecclesiastic. Indeed, many other points both in his appearance and

demeanor might have very well sustained a conception of that nature. Over

his left ear, he carried, after the fashion of a modern clerk, an

instrument resembling the stylus of the ancients. In a breast-pocket of

his coat appeared conspicuously a small black volume fastened with clasps

of steel. This book, whether accidentally or not, was so turned outwardly

from the person as to discover the words “Rituel Catholique” in white

letters upon the back. His entire physiognomy was interestingly saturnine—even

cadaverously pale. The forehead was lofty, and deeply furrowed with the

ridges of contemplation. The corners of the mouth were drawn down into an

expression of the most submissive humility. There was also a clasping of

the hands, as he stepped toward our hero—a deep sigh—and

altogether a look of such utter sanctity as could not have failed to be

unequivocally preposessing. Every shadow of anger faded from the

countenance of the metaphysician, as, having completed a satisfactory

survey of his visitor’s person, he shook him cordially by the hand, and

conducted him to a seat.

There would however be a radical error in attributing this instantaneous

transition of feeling in the philosopher, to any one of those causes which

might naturally be supposed to have had an influence. Indeed, Pierre

Bon-Bon, from what I have been able to understand of his disposition, was

of all men the least likely to be imposed upon by any speciousness of

exterior deportment. It was impossible that so accurate an observer of men

and things should have failed to discover, upon the moment, the real

character of the personage who had thus intruded upon his hospitality. To

say no more, the conformation of his visitor’s feet was sufficiently

remarkable—he maintained lightly upon his head an inordinately tall

hat—there was a tremulous swelling about the hinder part of his

breeches—and the vibration of his coat tail was a palpable fact.

Judge, then, with what feelings of satisfaction our hero found himself

thrown thus at once into the society of a person for whom he had at all

times entertained the most unqualified respect. He was, however, too much

of the diplomatist to let escape him any intimation of his suspicions in

regard to the true state of affairs. It was not his cue to appear at all

conscious of the high honor he thus unexpectedly enjoyed; but, by leading

his guest into the conversation, to elicit some important ethical ideas,

which might, in obtaining a place in his contemplated publication,

enlighten the human race, and at the same time immortalize himself—ideas

which, I should have added, his visitor’s great age, and well-known

proficiency in the science of morals, might very well have enabled him to

afford.

Actuated by these enlightened views, our hero bade the gentleman sit down,

while he himself took occasion to throw some fagots upon the fire, and

place upon the now re-established table some bottles of _Mousseux_. Having

quickly completed these operations, he drew his chair _vis-à-vis_ to his

companion’s, and waited until the latter should open the conversation. But

plans even the most skilfully matured are often thwarted in the outset of

their application—and the _restaurateur_ found himself _nonplussed_ by

the very first words of his visitor’s speech.

“I see you know me, Bon-Bon,” said he; “ha! ha! ha!—he! he! he!—hi!

hi! hi!—ho! ho! ho!—hu! hu! hu!”—and the devil, dropping

at once the sanctity of his demeanor, opened to its fullest extent a mouth

from ear to ear, so as to display a set of jagged and fang-like teeth,

and, throwing back his head, laughed long, loudly, wickedly, and

uproariously, while the black dog, crouching down upon his haunches,

joined lustily in the chorus, and the tabby cat, flying off at a tangent,

stood up on end, and shrieked in the farthest corner of the apartment.

Not so the philosopher; he was too much a man of the world either to laugh

like the dog, or by shrieks to betray the indecorous trepidation of the

cat. It must be confessed, he felt a little astonishment to see the white

letters which formed the words “_Rituel Catholique_” on the book in his

guest’s pocket, momently changing both their color and their import, and

in a few seconds, in place of the original title the words _Régitre des

Condamnes_ blazed forth in characters of red. This startling circumstance,

when Bon-Bon replied to his visitor’s remark, imparted to his manner an

air of embarrassment which probably might, not otherwise have been

observed.

“Why sir,” said the philosopher, “why sir, to speak

sincerely—I believe you are—upon my word—the

d——dest—that is to say, I think—I imagine—I

_have_ some faint—some _very_ faint idea—of the

remarkable honor—”

“Oh!—ah!—yes!—very well!” interrupted his Majesty; “say

no more—I see how it is.” And hereupon, taking off his green

spectacles, he wiped the glasses carefully with the sleeve of his coat,

and deposited them in his pocket.

If Bon-Bon had been astonished at the incident of the book, his amazement

was now much increased by the spectacle which here presented itself to

view. In raising his eyes, with a strong feeling of curiosity to ascertain

the color of his guest’s, he found them by no means black, as he had

anticipated—nor gray, as might have been imagined—nor yet

hazel nor blue—nor indeed yellow nor red—nor purple—nor

white—nor green—nor any other color in the heavens above, or

in the earth beneath, or in the waters under the earth. In short, Pierre

Bon-Bon not only saw plainly that his Majesty had no eyes whatsoever, but

could discover no indications of their having existed at any previous

period—for the space where eyes should naturally have been was, I am

constrained to say, simply a dead level of flesh.

It was not in the nature of the metaphysician to forbear making some

inquiry into the sources of so strange a phenomenon, and the reply of his

Majesty was at once prompt, dignified, and satisfactory.

“Eyes! my dear Bon-Bon—eyes! did you say?—oh!—ah!—I

perceive! The ridiculous prints, eh, which are in, circulation, have given

you a false idea of my personal appearance? Eyes!—true. Eyes, Pierre

Bon-Bon, are very well in their proper place—that, you would say, is

the head?—right—the head of a worm. To you, likewise, these

optics are indispensable—yet I will convince you that my vision is

more penetrating than your own. There is a cat I see in the corner—a

pretty cat—look at her—observe her well. Now, Bon-Bon, do you

behold the thoughts—the thoughts, I say,—the ideas—the

reflections—which are being engendered in her pericranium? There it

is, now—you do not! She is thinking we admire the length of her tail

and the profundity of her mind. She has just concluded that I am the most

distinguished of ecclesiastics, and that you are the most superficial of

metaphysicians. Thus you see I am not altogether blind; but to one of my

profession, the eyes you speak of would be merely an incumbrance, liable

at any time to be put out by a toasting-iron, or a pitchfork. To you, I

allow, these optical affairs are indispensable. Endeavor, Bon-Bon, to use

them well;—my vision is the soul.”

Hereupon the guest helped himself to the wine upon the table, and pouring

out a bumper for Bon-Bon, requested him to drink it without scruple, and

make himself perfectly at home.

“A clever book that of yours, Pierre,” resumed his Majesty, tapping our

friend knowingly upon the shoulder, as the latter put down his glass after

a thorough compliance with his visitor’s injunction. “A clever book that

of yours, upon my honor. It’s a work after my own heart. Your arrangement

of the matter, I think, however, might be improved, and many of your

notions remind me of Aristotle. That philosopher was one of my most

intimate acquaintances. I liked him as much for his terrible ill temper,

as for his happy knack at making a blunder. There is only one solid truth

in all that he has written, and for that I gave him the hint out of pure

compassion for his absurdity. I suppose, Pierre Bon-Bon, you very well

know to what divine moral truth I am alluding?”

“Cannot say that I—”

“Indeed!—why it was I who told Aristotle that by sneezing, men

expelled superfluous ideas through the proboscis.”

“Which is—hiccup!—undoubtedly the case,” said the

metaphysician, while he poured out for himself another bumper of Mousseux,

and offered his snuff-box to the fingers of his visitor.

“There was Plato, too,” continued his Majesty, modestly

declining the snuff-box and the compliment it implied—“there

was Plato, too, for whom I, at one time, felt all the affection of a

friend. You knew Plato, Bon-Bon?—ah, no, I beg a thousand pardons.

He met me at Athens, one day, in the Parthenon, and told me he was

distressed for an idea. I bade him write, down that δ

υοῦς εστιν

αυλος. He said that he would do so, and went

home, while I stepped over to the pyramids. But my conscience smote me

for having uttered a truth, even to aid a friend, and hastening back to

Athens, I arrived behind the philosopher’s chair as he was inditing

the ‘αυλος.’

“Giving the lambda a fillip with my finger, I turned it upside down. So

the sentence now read ‘δ

υοῦς εστιν

αυγος’, and is, you perceive, the

fundamental doctrines in his metaphysics.”

“Were you ever at Rome?” asked the _restaurateur_, as he finished his second

bottle of Mousseux, and drew from the closet a larger supply of

Chambertin.

“But once, Monsieur Bon-Bon, but once. There was a time,” said the devil,

as if reciting some passage from a book—“there was a time when

occurred an anarchy of five years, during which the republic, bereft of

all its officers, had no magistracy besides the tribunes of the people,

and these were not legally vested with any degree of executive power—at

that time, Monsieur Bon-Bon—at that time only I was in Rome, and I

have no earthly acquaintance, consequently, with any of its philosophy.”

(*2)

{*2} Ils ecrivaient sur la Philosophie (_Cicero, Lucretius,

Seneca_) mais c’etait la Philosophie Grecque.—_Condorcet_.

“What do you think of—what do you think of—hiccup!—Epicurus?”

“What do I think of whom?” said the devil, in astonishment, “you cannot

surely mean to find any fault with Epicurus! What do I think of Epicurus!

Do you mean me, sir?—I am Epicurus! I am the same philosopher who

wrote each of the three hundred treatises commemorated by Diogenes

Laertes.”

“That’s a lie!” said the metaphysician, for the wine had gotten a little

into his head.

“Very well!—very well, sir!—very well, indeed, sir!” said his

Majesty, apparently much flattered.

“That’s a lie!” repeated the restaurateur, dogmatically; “that’s a—hiccup!—a

lie!”

“Well, well, have it your own way!” said the devil, pacifically, and

Bon-Bon, having beaten his Majesty at argument, thought it his duty to

conclude a second bottle of Chambertin.

“As I was saying,” resumed the visitor—“as I was observing a little

while ago, there are some very _outré_ notions in that book of yours

Monsieur Bon-Bon. What, for instance, do you mean by all that humbug about

the soul? Pray, sir, what is the soul?”

“The—hiccup!—soul,” replied the metaphysician, referring to

his MS., “is undoubtedly—”

“No, sir!”

“Indubitably—”

“No, sir!”

“Indisputably—”

“No, sir!”

“Evidently—”

“No, sir!”

“Incontrovertibly—”

“No, sir!”

“Hiccup!—”

“No, sir!”

“And beyond all question, a—”

“No sir, the soul is no such thing!” (Here the philosopher, looking

daggers, took occasion to make an end, upon the spot, of his third bottle

of Chambertin.)

“Then—hic-cup!—pray, sir—what—what is it?”

“That is neither here nor there, Monsieur Bon-Bon,” replied his Majesty,

musingly. “I have tasted—that is to say, I have known some very bad

souls, and some too—pretty good ones.” Here he smacked his lips,

and, having unconsciously let fall his hand upon the volume in his pocket,

was seized with a violent fit of sneezing.

He continued.

“There was the soul of Cratinus—passable: Aristophanes—racy:

Plato—exquisite—not _your_ Plato, but Plato the comic poet; your

Plato would have turned the stomach of Cerberus—faugh! Then let me

see! there were Naevius, and Andronicus, and Plautus, and Terentius. Then

there were Lucilius, and Catullus, and Naso, and Quintus Flaccus,—dear

Quinty! as I called him when he sung a _seculare_ for my amusement, while I

toasted him, in pure good humor, on a fork. But they want _flavor_, these

Romans. One fat Greek is worth a dozen of them, and besides will _keep_,

which cannot be said of a Quirite. Let us taste your Sauterne.”

Bon-Bon had by this time made up his mind to the _nil admirari_ and endeavored

to hand down the bottles in question. He was, however, conscious of a

strange sound in the room like the wagging of a tail. Of this, although

extremely indecent in his Majesty, the philosopher took no notice:—simply

kicking the dog, and requesting him to be quiet. The visitor continued:

“I found that Horace tasted very much like Aristotle;—you know I am

fond of variety. Terentius I could not have told from Menander. Naso, to

my astonishment, was Nicander in disguise. Virgilius had a strong twang of

Theocritus. Martial put me much in mind of Archilochus—and Titus

Livius was positively Polybius and none other.”

“Hic-cup!” here replied Bon-Bon, and his majesty proceeded:

“But if I have a penchant, Monsieur Bon-Bon—if I have a penchant, it

is for a philosopher. Yet, let me tell you, sir, it is not every dev—I

mean it is not every gentleman who knows how to choose a philosopher. Long

ones are not good; and the best, if not carefully shelled, are apt to be a

little rancid on account of the gall!”

“Shelled!”

“I mean taken out of the carcass.”

“What do you think of a—hic-cup!—physician?”

“Don’t mention them!—ugh! ugh! ugh!” (Here his Majesty retched

violently.) “I never tasted but one—that rascal Hippocrates!—smelt

of asafoetida—ugh! ugh! ugh!—caught a wretched cold washing

him in the Styx—and after all he gave me the cholera morbus.”

“The—hiccup!—wretch!” ejaculated Bon-Bon, “the—hic-cup!—abortion

of a pill-box!”—and the philosopher dropped a tear.

“After all,” continued the visitor, “after all, if a dev—if a

gentleman wishes to live, he must have more talents than one or two; and

with us a fat face is an evidence of diplomacy.”

“How so?”

“Why, we are sometimes exceedingly pushed for provisions. You must know

that, in a climate so sultry as mine, it is frequently impossible to keep

a spirit alive for more than two or three hours; and after death, unless

pickled immediately (and a pickled spirit is not good), they will—smell—you

understand, eh? Putrefaction is always to be apprehended when the souls

are consigned to us in the usual way.”

“Hiccup!—hiccup!—good God! how do you manage?”

Here the iron lamp commenced swinging with redoubled violence, and the

devil half started from his seat;—however, with a slight sigh, he

recovered his composure, merely saying to our hero in a low tone: “I tell

you what, Pierre Bon-Bon, we must have no more swearing.”

The host swallowed another bumper, by way of denoting thorough

comprehension and acquiescence, and the visitor continued.

“Why, there are several ways of managing. The most of us starve: some put

up with the pickle: for my part I purchase my spirits vivente corpore, in

which case I find they keep very well.”

“But the body!—hiccup!—the body!”

“The body, the body—well, what of the body?—oh! ah! I

perceive. Why, sir, the body is not at all affected by the transaction. I

have made innumerable purchases of the kind in my day, and the parties

never experienced any inconvenience. There were Cain and Nimrod, and

Nero, and Caligula, and Dionysius, and Pisistratus, and—and a

thousand others, who never knew what it was to have a soul during the

latter part of their lives; yet, sir, these men adorned society. Why

isn’t there A——, now, who you know as well as I? Is

_he_ not in possession of his faculties, mental and corporeal? Who

writes a keener epigram? Who reasons more wittily? Who—but stay! I

have his agreement in my pocket-book.”

Thus saying, he produced a red leather wallet, and took from it a number

of papers. Upon some of these Bon-Bon caught a glimpse of the letters

_Machi—Maza—Robesp_—with the words _Caligula, George,

Elizabeth_. His Majesty selected a narrow slip of parchment, and from it

read aloud the following words:

“In consideration of certain mental endowments which it is unnecessary to

specify, and in further consideration of one thousand louis d’or, I being

aged one year and one month, do hereby make over to the bearer of this

agreement all my right, title, and appurtenance in the shadow called my

soul. (Signed) A....” {*4} (Here His Majesty repeated a name which I did

not feel justified in indicating more unequivocally.)

{*4} Quere-Arouet?

“A clever fellow that,” resumed he; “but like you, Monsieur Bon-Bon, he

was mistaken about the soul. The soul a shadow, truly! The soul a shadow;

Ha! ha! ha!—he! he! he!—hu! hu! hu! Only think of a fricasseed

shadow!”

“_Only_ think—hiccup!—of a fricasséed shadow!” exclaimed our

hero, whose faculties were becoming much illuminated by the profundity of

his Majesty’s discourse.

“Only think of a hiccup!—fricasséed shadow!! Now, damme!—hiccup!—humph!

If _I_ would have been such a—hiccup!—nincompoop! _My_ soul, Mr.—humph!”

“_Your_ soul, Monsieur Bon-Bon?”

“Yes, sir—hiccup!—_my_ soul is—”

“What, sir?”

“_No_ shadow, damme!”

“Did you mean to say—”

“Yes, sir, my soul is—hiccup!—humph!—yes, sir.”

“Did you not intend to assert—”

“My soul is—hiccup!—peculiarly qualified for—hiccup!—a—”

“What, sir?”

“Stew.”

“Ha!”

“Soufflee.”

“Eh!”

“Fricassee.”

“Indeed!”

“Ragout and fricandeau—and see here, my good fellow! I’ll let you

have it—hiccup!—a bargain.” Here the philosopher slapped his

Majesty upon the back.

“Couldn’t think of such a thing,” said the latter calmly, at the same time

rising from his seat. The metaphysician stared.

“Am supplied at present,” said his Majesty.

“Hiccup!—e-h?” said the philosopher.

“Have no funds on hand.”

“What?”

“Besides, very unhandsome in me—”

“Sir!”

“To take advantage of—”

“Hiccup!”

“Your present disgusting and ungentlemanly situation.”

Here the visitor bowed and withdrew—in what manner could not

precisely be ascertained—but in a well-concerted effort to discharge

a bottle at “the villain,” the slender chain was severed that depended

from the ceiling, and the metaphysician prostrated by the downfall of the

lamp.

SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY.

The _symposium_ of the preceding evening had been a little too much

for my nerves. I had a wretched headache, and was desperately drowsy.

Instead of going out therefore to spend the evening as I had proposed, it

occurred to me that I could not do a wiser thing than just eat a mouthful

of supper and go immediately to bed.

A light supper of course. I am exceedingly fond of Welsh rabbit. More than

a pound at once, however, may not at all times be advisable. Still, there

can be no material objection to two. And really between two and three,

there is merely a single unit of difference. I ventured, perhaps, upon

four. My wife will have it five;—but, clearly, she has confounded

two very distinct affairs. The abstract number, five, I am willing to

admit; but, concretely, it has reference to bottles of Brown Stout,

without which, in the way of condiment, Welsh rabbit is to be eschewed.

Having thus concluded a frugal meal, and donned my night-cap, with the

serene hope of enjoying it till noon the next day, I placed my head upon

the pillow, and, through the aid of a capital conscience, fell into a

profound slumber forthwith.

But when were the hopes of humanity fulfilled? I could not have completed

my third snore when there came a furious ringing at the street-door bell,

and then an impatient thumping at the knocker, which awakened me at once.

In a minute afterward, and while I was still rubbing my eyes, my wife

thrust in my face a note, from my old friend, Doctor Ponnonner. It ran

thus:

“Come to me, by all means, my dear good friend, as soon as you receive

this. Come and help us to rejoice. At last, by long persevering diplomacy, I

have gained the assent of the Directors of the City Museum, to my examination

of the Mummy—you know the one I mean. I have permission to unswathe it

and open it, if desirable. A few friends only will be present—you, of

course. The Mummy is now at my house, and we shall begin to unroll it at eleven

to-night.

“Yours, ever,

PONNONNER.

By the time I had reached the “Ponnonner,” it struck me that I was as wide

awake as a man need be. I leaped out of bed in an ecstacy, overthrowing

all in my way; dressed myself with a rapidity truly marvellous; and set

off, at the top of my speed, for the doctor’s.

There I found a very eager company assembled. They had been awaiting me

with much impatience; the Mummy was extended upon the dining-table; and

the moment I entered its examination was commenced.

It was one of a pair brought, several years previously, by Captain Arthur

Sabretash, a cousin of Ponnonner’s from a tomb near Eleithias, in

the Lybian mountains, a considerable distance above Thebes on the Nile.

The grottoes at this point, although less magnificent than the Theban

sepulchres, are of higher interest, on account of affording more numerous

illustrations of the private life of the Egyptians. The chamber from

which our specimen was taken, was said to be very rich in such

illustrations—the walls being completely covered with fresco

paintings and bas-reliefs, while statues, vases, and Mosaic work of rich

patterns, indicated the vast wealth of the deceased.

The treasure had been deposited in the Museum precisely in the same

condition in which Captain Sabretash had found it—that is to say,

the coffin had not been disturbed. For eight years it had thus stood,

subject only externally to public inspection. We had now, therefore, the

complete Mummy at our disposal; and to those who are aware how very rarely

the unransacked antique reaches our shores, it will be evident, at once

that we had great reason to congratulate ourselves upon our good fortune.

Approaching the table, I saw on it a large box, or case, nearly seven feet

long, and perhaps three feet wide, by two feet and a half deep. It was

oblong—not coffin-shaped. The material was at first supposed to be

the wood of the sycamore (_platanus_), but, upon cutting into it, we

found it to be pasteboard, or, more properly, _papier mache_,

composed of papyrus. It was thickly ornamented with paintings,

representing funeral scenes, and other mournful subjects—interspersed

among which, in every variety of position, were certain series of

hieroglyphical characters, intended, no doubt, for the name of the

departed. By good luck, Mr. Gliddon formed one of our party; and he had no

difficulty in translating the letters, which were simply phonetic, and

represented the word _Allamistakeo_.

We had some difficulty in getting this case open without injury; but

having at length accomplished the task, we came to a second,

coffin-shaped, and very considerably less in size than the exterior one,

but resembling it precisely in every other respect. The interval between

the two was filled with resin, which had, in some degree, defaced the

colors of the interior box.

Upon opening this latter (which we did quite easily), we arrived at a

third case, also coffin-shaped, and varying from the second one in no

particular, except in that of its material, which was cedar, and still

emitted the peculiar and highly aromatic odor of that wood. Between the

second and the third case there was no interval—the one fitting

accurately within the other.

Removing the third case, we discovered and took out the body itself. We

had expected to find it, as usual, enveloped in frequent rolls, or

bandages, of linen; but, in place of these, we found a sort of sheath,

made of papyrus, and coated with a layer of plaster, thickly gilt and

painted. The paintings represented subjects connected with the various

supposed duties of the soul, and its presentation to different divinities,

with numerous identical human figures, intended, very probably, as

portraits of the persons embalmed. Extending from head to foot was a

columnar, or perpendicular, inscription, in phonetic hieroglyphics, giving

again his name and titles, and the names and titles of his relations.

Around the neck thus ensheathed, was a collar of cylindrical glass beads,

diverse in color, and so arranged as to form images of deities, of the

scarabaeus, etc., with the winged globe. Around the small of the waist

was a similar collar or belt.

Stripping off the papyrus, we found the flesh in excellent preservation,

with no perceptible odor. The color was reddish. The skin was hard,

smooth, and glossy. The teeth and hair were in good condition. The eyes

(it seemed) had been removed, and glass ones substituted, which were very

beautiful and wonderfully life-like, with the exception of somewhat too

determined a stare. The fingers and the nails were brilliantly gilded.

Mr. Gliddon was of opinion, from the redness of the epidermis, that the

embalmment had been effected altogether by asphaltum; but, on scraping the

surface with a steel instrument, and throwing into the fire some of the

powder thus obtained, the flavor of camphor and other sweet-scented gums

became apparent.

We searched the corpse very carefully for the usual openings through which

the entrails are extracted, but, to our surprise, we could discover none.

No member of the party was at that period aware that entire or unopened

mummies are not infrequently met. The brain it was customary to withdraw

through the nose; the intestines through an incision in the side; the body

was then shaved, washed, and salted; then laid aside for several weeks,

when the operation of embalming, properly so called, began.

As no trace of an opening could be found, Doctor Ponnonner was preparing

his instruments for dissection, when I observed that it was then past two

o’clock. Hereupon it was agreed to postpone the internal examination until

the next evening; and we were about to separate for the present, when some

one suggested an experiment or two with the Voltaic pile.

The application of electricity to a mummy three or four thousand years old

at the least, was an idea, if not very sage, still sufficiently original,

and we all caught it at once. About one-tenth in earnest and nine-tenths

in jest, we arranged a battery in the Doctor’s study, and conveyed thither

the Egyptian.

It was only after much trouble that we succeeded in laying bare some

portions of the temporal muscle which appeared of less stony rigidity than

other parts of the frame, but which, as we had anticipated, of course,

gave no indication of galvanic susceptibility when brought in contact with

the wire. This, the first trial, indeed, seemed decisive, and, with a

hearty laugh at our own absurdity, we were bidding each other good night,

when my eyes, happening to fall upon those of the Mummy, were there

immediately riveted in amazement. My brief glance, in fact, had sufficed

to assure me that the orbs which we had all supposed to be glass, and

which were originally noticeable for a certain wild stare, were now so far

covered by the lids, that only a small portion of the _tunica albuginea_

remained visible.

With a shout I called attention to the fact, and it became immediately

obvious to all.

I cannot say that I was alarmed at the phenomenon, because “alarmed” is,

in my case, not exactly the word. It is possible, however, that, but for

the Brown Stout, I might have been a little nervous. As for the rest of

the company, they really made no attempt at concealing the downright

fright which possessed them. Doctor Ponnonner was a man to be pitied. Mr.

Gliddon, by some peculiar process, rendered himself invisible. Mr. Silk

Buckingham, I fancy, will scarcely be so bold as to deny that he made his

way, upon all fours, under the table.

After the first shock of astonishment, however, we resolved, as a matter

of course, upon further experiment forthwith. Our operations were now

directed against the great toe of the right foot. We made an incision over

the outside of the exterior _os sesamoideum pollicis pedis,_ and thus

got at the root of the abductor muscle. Readjusting the battery, we now

applied the fluid to the bisected nerves—when, with a movement of

exceeding life-likeness, the Mummy first drew up its right knee so as to

bring it nearly in contact with the abdomen, and then, straightening the

limb with inconceivable force, bestowed a kick upon Doctor Ponnonner,

which had the effect of discharging that gentleman, like an arrow from a

catapult, through a window into the street below.

We rushed out _en masse_ to bring in the mangled remains of the

victim, but had the happiness to meet him upon the staircase, coming up in

an unaccountable hurry, brimful of the most ardent philosophy, and more

than ever impressed with the necessity of prosecuting our experiment with

vigor and with zeal.

It was by his advice, accordingly, that we made, upon the spot, a profound

incision into the tip of the subject’s nose, while the Doctor himself,

laying violent hands upon it, pulled it into vehement contact with the

wire.

Morally and physically—figuratively and literally—was the

effect electric. In the first place, the corpse opened its eyes and winked

very rapidly for several minutes, as does Mr. Barnes in the pantomime; in

the second place, it sneezed; in the third, it sat upon end; in the

fourth, it shook its fist in Doctor Ponnonner’s face; in the fifth,

turning to Messieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, it addressed them, in very

capital Egyptian, thus:

“I must say, gentlemen, that I am as much surprised as I am mortified at

your behavior. Of Doctor Ponnonner nothing better was to be expected. He

is a poor little fat fool who knows no better. I pity and forgive him. But

you, Mr. Gliddon—and you, Silk—who have travelled and resided

in Egypt until one might imagine you to the manor born—you, I say

who have been so much among us that you speak Egyptian fully as well, I

think, as you write your mother tongue—you, whom I have always been

led to regard as the firm friend of the mummies—I really did

anticipate more gentlemanly conduct from you. What am I to think of your

standing quietly by and seeing me thus unhandsomely used? What am I to

suppose by your permitting Tom, Dick, and Harry to strip me of my coffins,

and my clothes, in this wretchedly cold climate? In what light (to come to

the point) am I to regard your aiding and abetting that miserable little

villain, Doctor Ponnonner, in pulling me by the nose?”

It will be taken for granted, no doubt, that upon hearing this speech

under the circumstances, we all either made for the door, or fell into

violent hysterics, or went off in a general swoon. One of these three

things was, I say, to be expected. Indeed each and all of these lines of

conduct might have been very plausibly pursued. And, upon my word, I am at

a loss to know how or why it was that we pursued neither the one nor the

other. But, perhaps, the true reason is to be sought in the spirit of the

age, which proceeds by the rule of contraries altogether, and is now

usually admitted as the solution of every thing in the way of paradox and

impossibility. Or, perhaps, after all, it was only the Mummy’s exceedingly

natural and matter-of-course air that divested his words of the terrible.

However this may be, the facts are clear, and no member of our party

betrayed any very particular trepidation, or seemed to consider that any

thing had gone very especially wrong.

For my part I was convinced it was all right, and merely stepped aside,

out of the range of the Egyptian’s fist. Doctor Ponnonner thrust his hands

into his breeches’ pockets, looked hard at the Mummy, and grew excessively

red in the face. Mr. Glidden stroked his whiskers and drew up the collar

of his shirt. Mr. Buckingham hung down his head, and put his right thumb

into the left corner of his mouth.

The Egyptian regarded him with a severe countenance for some minutes and

at length, with a sneer, said:

“Why don’t you speak, Mr. Buckingham? Did you hear what I asked you, or

not? Do take your thumb out of your mouth!”

Mr. Buckingham, hereupon, gave a slight start, took his right thumb out of

the left corner of his mouth, and, by way of indemnification inserted his

left thumb in the right corner of the aperture above-mentioned.

Not being able to get an answer from Mr. B., the figure turned peevishly

to Mr. Gliddon, and, in a peremptory tone, demanded in general terms what

we all meant.

Mr. Gliddon replied at great length, in phonetics; and but for the

deficiency of American printing-offices in hieroglyphical type, it would

afford me much pleasure to record here, in the original, the whole of his

very excellent speech.

I may as well take this occasion to remark, that all the subsequent

conversation in which the Mummy took a part, was carried on in primitive

Egyptian, through the medium (so far as concerned myself and other

untravelled members of the company)—through the medium, I say, of

Messieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, as interpreters. These gentlemen spoke

the mother tongue of the Mummy with inimitable fluency and grace; but I

could not help observing that (owing, no doubt, to the introduction of

images entirely modern, and, of course, entirely novel to the stranger)

the two travellers were reduced, occasionally, to the employment of

sensible forms for the purpose of conveying a particular meaning. Mr.

Gliddon, at one period, for example, could not make the Egyptian

comprehend the term “politics,” until he sketched upon the wall, with a

bit of charcoal a little carbuncle-nosed gentleman, out at elbows,

standing upon a stump, with his left leg drawn back, right arm thrown

forward, with his fist shut, the eyes rolled up toward Heaven, and the

mouth open at an angle of ninety degrees. Just in the same way Mr.

Buckingham failed to convey the absolutely modern idea “wig,” until (at

Doctor Ponnonner’s suggestion) he grew very pale in the face, and

consented to take off his own.

It will be readily understood that Mr. Gliddon’s discourse turned chiefly

upon the vast benefits accruing to science from the unrolling and

disembowelling of mummies; apologizing, upon this score, for any

disturbance that might have been occasioned him, in particular, the

individual Mummy called Allamistakeo; and concluding with a mere hint (for

it could scarcely be considered more) that, as these little matters were

now explained, it might be as well to proceed with the investigation

intended. Here Doctor Ponnonner made ready his instruments.

In regard to the latter suggestions of the orator, it appears that

Allamistakeo had certain scruples of conscience, the nature of which I did

not distinctly learn; but he expressed himself satisfied with the

apologies tendered, and, getting down from the table, shook hands with the

company all round.

When this ceremony was at an end, we immediately busied ourselves in

repairing the damages which our subject had sustained from the scalpel. We

sewed up the wound in his temple, bandaged his foot, and applied a square

inch of black plaster to the tip of his nose.

It was now observed that the Count (this was the title, it seems, of

Allamistakeo) had a slight fit of shivering—no doubt from the cold.

The Doctor immediately repaired to his wardrobe, and soon returned with a

black dress coat, made in Jennings’ best manner, a pair of sky-blue plaid

pantaloons with straps, a pink gingham chemise, a flapped vest of brocade,

a white sack overcoat, a walking cane with a hook, a hat with no brim,

patent-leather boots, straw-colored kid gloves, an eye-glass, a pair of

whiskers, and a waterfall cravat. Owing to the disparity of size between

the Count and the doctor (the proportion being as two to one), there was

some little difficulty in adjusting these habiliments upon the person of

the Egyptian; but when all was arranged, he might have been said to be

dressed. Mr. Gliddon, therefore, gave him his arm, and led him to a

comfortable chair by the fire, while the Doctor rang the bell upon the

spot and ordered a supply of cigars and wine.

The conversation soon grew animated. Much curiosity was, of course,

expressed in regard to the somewhat remarkable fact of Allamistakeo’s

still remaining alive.

“I should have thought,” observed Mr. Buckingham, “that it is high time

you were dead.”

“Why,” replied the Count, very much astonished, “I am little more than

seven hundred years old! My father lived a thousand, and was by no means

in his dotage when he died.”

Here ensued a brisk series of questions and computations, by means of

which it became evident that the antiquity of the Mummy had been grossly

misjudged. It had been five thousand and fifty years and some months since

he had been consigned to the catacombs at Eleithias.

“But my remark,” resumed Mr. Buckingham, “had no reference to your age at

the period of interment (I am willing to grant, in fact, that you are

still a young man), and my illusion was to the immensity of time during

which, by your own showing, you must have been done up in asphaltum.”

“In what?” said the Count.

“In asphaltum,” persisted Mr. B.

“Ah, yes; I have some faint notion of what you mean; it might be made to

answer, no doubt—but in my time we employed scarcely any thing else

than the Bichloride of Mercury.”

“But what we are especially at a loss to understand,” said Doctor

Ponnonner, “is how it happens that, having been dead and buried in Egypt

five thousand years ago, you are here to-day all alive and looking so

delightfully well.”

“Had I been, as you say, dead,” replied the Count, “it is more than

probable that dead, I should still be; for I perceive you are yet in the

infancy of Galvanism, and cannot accomplish with it what was a common

thing among us in the old days. But the fact is, I fell into catalepsy,

and it was considered by my best friends that I was either dead or should

be; they accordingly embalmed me at once—I presume you are aware of

the chief principle of the embalming process?”

“Why, not altogether.”

“Ah, I perceive—a deplorable condition of ignorance! Well I cannot

enter into details just now: but it is necessary to explain that to embalm

(properly speaking), in Egypt, was to arrest indefinitely all the animal

functions subjected to the process. I use the word ‘animal’ in its widest

sense, as including the physical not more than the moral and vital being.

I repeat that the leading principle of embalmment consisted, with us, in

the immediately arresting, and holding in perpetual abeyance, all the

animal functions subjected to the process. To be brief, in whatever

condition the individual was, at the period of embalmment, in that

condition he remained. Now, as it is my good fortune to be of the blood of

the Scarabaeus, I was embalmed alive, as you see me at present.”

“The blood of the Scarabaeus!” exclaimed Doctor Ponnonner.

“Yes. The Scarabaeus was the insignium or the ‘arms,’ of a very

distinguished and very rare patrician family. To be ‘of the blood of the

Scarabaeus,’ is merely to be one of that family of which the Scarabaeus is

the insignium. I speak figuratively.”

“But what has this to do with you being alive?”

“Why, it is the general custom in Egypt to deprive a corpse, before

embalmment, of its bowels and brains; the race of the Scarabaei alone did

not coincide with the custom. Had I not been a Scarabeus, therefore, I

should have been without bowels and brains; and without either it is

inconvenient to live.”

“I perceive that,” said Mr. Buckingham, “and I presume that all the entire

mummies that come to hand are of the race of Scarabaei.”

“Beyond doubt.”

“I thought,” said Mr. Gliddon, very meekly, “that the Scarabaeus was one

of the Egyptian gods.”

“One of the Egyptian _what?”_ exclaimed the Mummy, starting to its

feet.

“Gods!” repeated the traveller.

“Mr. Gliddon, I really am astonished to hear you talk in this style,” said

the Count, resuming his chair. “No nation upon the face of the earth has

ever acknowledged more than one god. The Scarabaeus, the Ibis, etc., were

with us (as similar creatures have been with others) the symbols, or

media, through which we offered worship to the Creator too august to be

more directly approached.”

There was here a pause. At length the colloquy was renewed by Doctor

Ponnonner.

“It is not improbable, then, from what you have explained,” said he, “that

among the catacombs near the Nile there may exist other mummies of the

Scarabaeus tribe, in a condition of vitality?”

“There can be no question of it,” replied the Count; “all the Scarabaei

embalmed accidentally while alive, are alive now. Even some of those

purposely so embalmed, may have been overlooked by their executors, and

still remain in the tomb.”

“Will you be kind enough to explain,” I said, “what you mean by ‘purposely

so embalmed’?”

“With great pleasure!” answered the Mummy, after surveying me leisurely

through his eye-glass—for it was the first time I had ventured to

address him a direct question.

“With great pleasure,” he said. “The usual duration of man’s life, in my

time, was about eight hundred years. Few men died, unless by most

extraordinary accident, before the age of six hundred; few lived longer

than a decade of centuries; but eight were considered the natural term.

After the discovery of the embalming principle, as I have already

described it to you, it occurred to our philosophers that a laudable

curiosity might be gratified, and, at the same time, the interests of

science much advanced, by living this natural term in installments. In the

case of history, indeed, experience demonstrated that something of this

kind was indispensable. An historian, for example, having attained the age

of five hundred, would write a book with great labor and then get himself

carefully embalmed; leaving instructions to his executors pro tem., that

they should cause him to be revivified after the lapse of a certain period—say

five or six hundred years. Resuming existence at the expiration of this

time, he would invariably find his great work converted into a species of

hap-hazard note-book—that is to say, into a kind of literary arena

for the conflicting guesses, riddles, and personal squabbles of whole

herds of exasperated commentators. These guesses, etc., which passed under

the name of annotations, or emendations, were found so completely to have

enveloped, distorted, and overwhelmed the text, that the author had to go

about with a lantern to discover his own book. When discovered, it was

never worth the trouble of the search. After re-writing it throughout, it

was regarded as the bounden duty of the historian to set himself to work

immediately in correcting, from his own private knowledge and experience,

the traditions of the day concerning the epoch at which he had originally

lived. Now this process of re-scription and personal rectification,

pursued by various individual sages from time to time, had the effect of

preventing our history from degenerating into absolute fable.”

“I beg your pardon,” said Doctor Ponnonner at this point, laying his hand

gently upon the arm of the Egyptian—“I beg your pardon, sir, but may

I presume to interrupt you for one moment?”

“By all means, sir,” replied the Count, drawing up.

“I merely wished to ask you a question,” said the Doctor. “You mentioned

the historian’s personal correction of traditions respecting his own

epoch. Pray, sir, upon an average what proportion of these Kabbala were

usually found to be right?”

“The Kabbala, as you properly term them, sir, were generally discovered to

be precisely on a par with the facts recorded in the un-re-written

histories themselves;—that is to say, not one individual iota of

either was ever known, under any circumstances, to be not totally and

radically wrong.”

“But since it is quite clear,” resumed the Doctor, “that at least five

thousand years have elapsed since your entombment, I take it for granted

that your histories at that period, if not your traditions were

sufficiently explicit on that one topic of universal interest, the

Creation, which took place, as I presume you are aware, only about ten

centuries before.”

“Sir!” said the Count Allamistakeo.

The Doctor repeated his remarks, but it was only after much additional

explanation that the foreigner could be made to comprehend them. The

latter at length said, hesitatingly:

“The ideas you have suggested are to me, I confess, utterly novel. During

my time I never knew any one to entertain so singular a fancy as that the

universe (or this world if you will have it so) ever had a beginning at

all. I remember once, and once only, hearing something remotely hinted, by

a man of many speculations, concerning the origin _of the human race;_

and by this individual, the very word _Adam_ (or Red Earth), which

you make use of, was employed. He employed it, however, in a generical

sense, with reference to the spontaneous germination from rank soil (just

as a thousand of the lower genera of creatures are germinated)—the

spontaneous germination, I say, of five vast hordes of men, simultaneously

upspringing in five distinct and nearly equal divisions of the globe.”

Here, in general, the company shrugged their shoulders, and one or two of

us touched our foreheads with a very significant air. Mr. Silk Buckingham,

first glancing slightly at the occiput and then at the sinciput of

Allamistakeo, spoke as follows:

“The long duration of human life in your time, together with the

occasional practice of passing it, as you have explained, in installments,

must have had, indeed, a strong tendency to the general development and

conglomeration of knowledge. I presume, therefore, that we are to

attribute the marked inferiority of the old Egyptians in all particulars

of science, when compared with the moderns, and more especially with the

Yankees, altogether to the superior solidity of the Egyptian skull.”

“I confess again,” replied the Count, with much suavity, “that I am

somewhat at a loss to comprehend you; pray, to what particulars of science

do you allude?”

Here our whole party, joining voices, detailed, at great length, the

assumptions of phrenology and the marvels of animal magnetism.

Having heard us to an end, the Count proceeded to relate a few anecdotes,

which rendered it evident that prototypes of Gall and Spurzheim had

flourished and faded in Egypt so long ago as to have been nearly

forgotten, and that the manoeuvres of Mesmer were really very contemptible

tricks when put in collation with the positive miracles of the Theban

savans, who created lice and a great many other similar things.

I here asked the Count if his people were able to calculate eclipses. He

smiled rather contemptuously, and said they were.

This put me a little out, but I began to make other inquiries in regard to

his astronomical knowledge, when a member of the company, who had never as

yet opened his mouth, whispered in my ear, that for information on this

head, I had better consult Ptolemy (whoever Ptolemy is), as well as one

Plutarch de facie lunae.

I then questioned the Mummy about burning-glasses and lenses, and, in

general, about the manufacture of glass; but I had not made an end of my

queries before the silent member again touched me quietly on the elbow,

and begged me for God’s sake to take a peep at Diodorus Siculus. As for

the Count, he merely asked me, in the way of reply, if we moderns

possessed any such microscopes as would enable us to cut cameos in the

style of the Egyptians. While I was thinking how I should answer this

question, little Doctor Ponnonner committed himself in a very

extraordinary way.

“Look at our architecture!” he exclaimed, greatly to the indignation of

both the travellers, who pinched him black and blue to no purpose.

“Look,” he cried with enthusiasm, “at the Bowling-Green Fountain in New

York! or if this be too vast a contemplation, regard for a moment the

Capitol at Washington, D. C.!”—and the good little medical man went

on to detail very minutely, the proportions of the fabric to which he

referred. He explained that the portico alone was adorned with no less

than four and twenty columns, five feet in diameter, and ten feet apart.

The Count said that he regretted not being able to remember, just at that

moment, the precise dimensions of any one of the principal buildings of

the city of Aznac, whose foundations were laid in the night of Time, but

the ruins of which were still standing, at the epoch of his entombment, in

a vast plain of sand to the westward of Thebes. He recollected, however,

(talking of the porticoes,) that one affixed to an inferior palace in a

kind of suburb called Carnac, consisted of a hundred and forty-four

columns, thirty-seven feet in circumference, and twenty-five feet apart.

The approach to this portico, from the Nile, was through an avenue two

miles long, composed of sphynxes, statues, and obelisks, twenty, sixty,

and a hundred feet in height. The palace itself (as well as he could

remember) was, in one direction, two miles long, and might have been

altogether about seven in circuit. Its walls were richly painted all over,

within and without, with hieroglyphics. He would not pretend to assert

that even fifty or sixty of the Doctor’s Capitols might have been built

within these walls, but he was by no means sure that two or three hundred

of them might not have been squeezed in with some trouble. That palace at

Carnac was an insignificant little building after all. He (the Count),

however, could not conscientiously refuse to admit the ingenuity,

magnificence, and superiority of the Fountain at the Bowling Green, as

described by the Doctor. Nothing like it, he was forced to allow, had ever

been seen in Egypt or elsewhere.

I here asked the Count what he had to say to our railroads.

“Nothing,” he replied, “in particular.” They were rather slight, rather

ill-conceived, and clumsily put together. They could not be compared, of

course, with the vast, level, direct, iron-grooved causeways upon which

the Egyptians conveyed entire temples and solid obelisks of a hundred and

fifty feet in altitude.

I spoke of our gigantic mechanical forces.

He agreed that we knew something in that way, but inquired how I should

have gone to work in getting up the imposts on the lintels of even the

little palace at Carnac.

This question I concluded not to hear, and demanded if he had any idea of

Artesian wells; but he simply raised his eyebrows; while Mr. Gliddon

winked at me very hard and said, in a low tone, that one had been recently

discovered by the engineers employed to bore for water in the Great Oasis.

I then mentioned our steel; but the foreigner elevated his nose, and asked

me if our steel could have executed the sharp carved work seen on the

obelisks, and which was wrought altogether by edge-tools of copper.

This disconcerted us so greatly that we thought it advisable to vary the

attack to Metaphysics. We sent for a copy of a book called the “Dial,” and

read out of it a chapter or two about something that is not very clear,

but which the Bostonians call the Great Movement of Progress.

The Count merely said that Great Movements were awfully common things in

his day, and as for Progress, it was at one time quite a nuisance, but it

never progressed.

We then spoke of the great beauty and importance of Democracy, and were at

much trouble in impressing the Count with a due sense of the advantages we

enjoyed in living where there was suffrage ad libitum, and no king.

He listened with marked interest, and in fact seemed not a little amused.

When we had done, he said that, a great while ago, there had occurred

something of a very similar sort. Thirteen Egyptian provinces determined

all at once to be free, and to set a magnificent example to the rest of

mankind. They assembled their wise men, and concocted the most ingenious

constitution it is possible to conceive. For a while they managed

remarkably well; only their habit of bragging was prodigious. The thing

ended, however, in the consolidation of the thirteen states, with some

fifteen or twenty others, in the most odious and insupportable despotism

that was ever heard of upon the face of the Earth.

I asked what was the name of the usurping tyrant.

As well as the Count could recollect, it was Mob.

Not knowing what to say to this, I raised my voice, and deplored the

Egyptian ignorance of steam.

The Count looked at me with much astonishment, but made no answer. The

silent gentleman, however, gave me a violent nudge in the ribs with his

elbows—told me I had sufficiently exposed myself for once—and

demanded if I was really such a fool as not to know that the modern

steam-engine is derived from the invention of Hero, through Solomon de

Caus.

We were now in imminent danger of being discomfited; but, as good luck

would have it, Doctor Ponnonner, having rallied, returned to our rescue,

and inquired if the people of Egypt would seriously pretend to rival the

moderns in the all-important particular of dress.

The Count, at this, glanced downward to the straps of his pantaloons, and

then taking hold of the end of one of his coat-tails, held it up close to

his eyes for some minutes. Letting it fall, at last, his mouth extended

itself very gradually from ear to ear; but I do not remember that he said

any thing in the way of reply.

Hereupon we recovered our spirits, and the Doctor, approaching the Mummy

with great dignity, desired it to say candidly, upon its honor as a

gentleman, if the Egyptians had comprehended, at any period, the

manufacture of either Ponnonner’s lozenges or Brandreth’s pills.

We looked, with profound anxiety, for an answer—but in vain. It was

not forthcoming. The Egyptian blushed and hung down his head. Never was

triumph more consummate; never was defeat borne with so ill a grace.

Indeed, I could not endure the spectacle of the poor Mummy’s

mortification. I reached my hat, bowed to him stiffly, and took leave.

Upon getting home I found it past four o’clock, and went immediately to

bed. It is now ten A.M. I have been up since seven, penning these

memoranda for the benefit of my family and of mankind. The former I shall

behold no more. My wife is a shrew. The truth is, I am heartily sick of

this life and of the nineteenth century in general. I am convinced that

every thing is going wrong. Besides, I am anxious to know who will be

President in 2045. As soon, therefore, as I shave and swallow a cup of

coffee, I shall just step over to Ponnonner’s and get embalmed for a

couple of hundred years.

THE POETIC PRINCIPLE

In speaking of the Poetic Principle, I have no design to be either

thorough or profound. While discussing, very much at random, the

essentiality of what we call Poetry, my principal purpose will be to cite

for consideration, some few of those minor English or American poems which

best suit my own taste, or which, upon my own fancy, have left the most

definite impression. By “minor poems” I mean, of course, poems of little

length. And here, in the beginning, permit me to say a few words in regard

to a somewhat peculiar principle, which, whether rightfully or wrongfully,

has always had its influence in my own critical estimate of the poem. I

hold that a long poem does not exist. I maintain that the phrase, “a long

poem,” is simply a flat contradiction in terms.

I need scarcely observe that a poem deserves its title only inasmuch as it

excites, by elevating the soul. The value of the poem is in the ratio of

this elevating excitement. But all excitements are, through a psychal

necessity, transient. That degree of excitement which would entitle a poem

to be so called at all, cannot be sustained throughout a composition of

any great length. After the lapse of half an hour, at the very utmost, it

flags—fails—a revulsion ensues—and then the poem is, in

effect, and in fact, no longer such.

There are, no doubt, many who have found difficulty in reconciling the

critical dictum that the “Paradise Lost” is to be devoutly admired

throughout, with the absolute impossibility of maintaining for it, during

perusal, the amount of enthusiasm which that critical dictum would demand.

This great work, in fact, is to be regarded as poetical, only when, losing

sight of that vital requisite in all works of Art, Unity, we view it

merely as a series of minor poems. If, to preserve its Unity—its

totality of effect or impression—we read it (as would be necessary)

at a single sitting, the result is but a constant alternation of

excitement and depression. After a passage of what we feel to be true

poetry, there follows, inevitably, a passage of platitude which no

critical prejudgment can force us to admire; but if, upon completing the

work, we read it again, omitting the first book—that is to say,

commencing with the second—we shall be surprised at now finding that

admirable which we before condemned—that damnable which we had

previously so much admired. It follows from all this that the ultimate,

aggregate, or absolute effect of even the best epic under the sun, is a

nullity:—and this is precisely the fact.

In regard to the Iliad, we have, if not positive proof, at least very good

reason for believing it intended as a series of lyrics; but, granting the

epic intention, I can say only that the work is based in an imperfect

sense of art. The modern epic is, of the supposititious ancient model, but

an inconsiderate and blindfold imitation. But the day of these artistic

anomalies is over. If, at any time, any very long poem _were _popular

in reality, which I doubt, it is at least clear that no very long poem

will ever be popular again.

That the extent of a poetical work is, _ceteris paribus, _the measure

of its merit, seems undoubtedly, when we thus state it, a proposition

sufficiently absurd—yet we are indebted for it to the Quarterly

Reviews. Surely there can be nothing in mere _size, _abstractly

considered—there can be nothing in mere _bulk, so _far as a

volume is concerned, which has so continuously elicited admiration from

these saturnine pamphlets! A mountain, to be sure, by the mere sentiment

of physical magnitude which it conveys, _does _impress us with a

sense of the sublime—but no man is impressed after _this _fashion

by the material grandeur of even “The Columbiad.” Even the Quarterlies

have not instructed us to be so impressed by it. As _yet, _they have

not _insisted _on our estimating “Lamar” tine by the cubic foot, or

Pollock by the pound—but what else are we to _infer _from their

continual plating about “sustained effort”? If, by “sustained effort,” any

little gentleman has accomplished an epic, let us frankly commend him for

the effort—if this indeed be a thing conk mendable—but let us

forbear praising the epic on the effort’s account. It is to be hoped that

common sense, in the time to come, will prefer deciding upon a work of Art

rather by the impression it makes—by the effect it produces—than

by the time it took to impress the effect, or by the amount of “sustained

effort” which had been found necessary in effecting the impression. The

fact is, that perseverance is one thing and genius quite another—nor

can all the Quarterlies in Christendom confound them. By and by, this

proposition, with many which I have been just urging, will be received as

self-evident. In the meantime, by being generally condemned as falsities,

they will not be essentially damaged as truths.

On the other hand, it is clear that a poem may be improperly brief. Undue

brevity degenerates into mere epigrammatism. A very short poem, while now

and then producing a brilliant or vivid, never produces a profound or

enduring effect. There must be the steady pressing down of the stamp upon

the wax. De Beranger has wrought innumerable things, pungent and

spirit-stirring, but in general they have been too imponderous to stamp

themselves deeply into the public attention, and thus, as so many feathers

of fancy, have been blown aloft only to be whistled down the wind.

A remarkable instance of the effect of undue brevity in depressing a poem,

in keeping it out of the popular view, is afforded by the following

exquisite little Serenade—

I arise from dreams of thee

In the first sweet sleep of night,

When the winds are breathing low,

And the stars are shining bright.

I arise from dreams of thee,

And a spirit in my feet

Has led me—who knows how?—

To thy chamber-window, sweet!

The wandering airs they faint

On the dark the silent stream—

The champak odors fail

Like sweet thoughts in a dream;

The nightingale’s complaint,

It dies upon her heart,

As I must die on shine,

O, beloved as thou art!

O, lift me from the grass!

I die, I faint, I fail!

Let thy love in kisses rain

On my lips and eyelids pale.

My cheek is cold and white, alas!

My heart beats loud and fast:

O, press it close to shine again,

Where it will break at last.

Very few perhaps are familiar with these lines—yet no less a poet

than Shelley is their author. Their warm, yet delicate and ethereal

imagination will be appreciated by all, but by none so thoroughly as by

him who has himself arisen from sweet dreams of one beloved to bathe in

the aromatic air of a southern midsummer night.

One of the finest poems by Willis—the very best in my opinion which

he has ever written—has no doubt, through this same defect of undue

brevity, been kept back from its proper position, not less in the

The shadows lay along Broadway,

’Twas near the twilight-tide—

And slowly there a lady fair

Was walking in her pride.

Alone walk’d she; but, viewlessly,

Walk’d spirits at her side.

Peace charm’d the street beneath her feet,

And Honor charm’d the air;

And all astir looked kind on her,

And called her good as fair—

For all God ever gave to her

She kept with chary care.

She kept with care her beauties rare

From lovers warm and true—

For heart was cold to all but gold,

And the rich came not to won,

But honor’d well her charms to sell.

If priests the selling do.

Now walking there was one more fair—

A slight girl, lily-pale;

And she had unseen company

To make the spirit quail—

’Twixt Want and Scorn she walk’d forlorn,

And nothing could avail.

No mercy now can clear her brow

From this world’s peace to pray

For as love’s wild prayer dissolved in air,

Her woman’s heart gave way!—

But the sin forgiven by Christ in Heaven

By man is cursed alway!

In this composition we find it difficult to recognize the Willis who has

written so many mere “verses of society.” The lines are not only richly

ideal, but full of energy, while they breathe an earnestness, an evident

sincerity of sentiment, for which we look in vain throughout all the other

works of this author.

While the epic mania, while the idea that to merit in poetry prolixity is

indispensable, has for some years past been gradually dying out of the

public mind, by mere dint of its own absurdity, we find it succeeded by a

heresy too palpably false to be long tolerated, but one which, in the

brief period it has already endured, may be said to have accomplished more

in the corruption of our Poetical Literature than all its other enemies

combined. I allude to the heresy of _The Didactic. _It has been

assumed, tacitly and avowedly, directly and indirectly, that the ultimate

object of all Poetry is Truth. Every poem, it is said, should inculcate a

morals and by this moral is the poetical merit of the work to be adjudged.

We Americans especially have patronized this happy idea, and we Bostonians

very especially have developed it in full. We have taken it into our heads

that to write a poem simply for the poem’s sake, and to acknowledge such

to have been our design, would be to confess ourselves radically wanting

in the true poetic dignity and force:—but the simple fact is that

would we but permit ourselves to look into our own souls we should

immediately there discover that under the sun there neither exists nor _can

_exist any work more thoroughly dignified, more supremely noble, than

this very poem, this poem _per se, _this poem which is a poem and

nothing more, this poem written solely for the poem’s sake.

With as deep a reverence for the True as ever inspired the bosom of man, I

would nevertheless limit, in some measure, its modes of inculcation. I

would limit to enforce them. I would not enfeeble them by dissipation. The

demands of Truth are severe. She has no sympathy with the myrtles. All _that

_which is so indispensable in Song is precisely all _that _with

which _she _has nothing whatever to do. It is but making her a

flaunting paradox to wreathe her in gems and flowers. In enforcing a truth

we need severity rather than efflorescence of language. We must be simple,

precise, terse. We must be cool, calm, unimpassioned. In a word, we must

be in that mood which, as nearly as possible, is the exact converse of the

poetical. _He _must be blind indeed who does not perceive the radical

and chasmal difference between the truthful and the poetical modes of

inculcation. He must be theory-mad beyond redemption who, in spite of

these differences, shall still persist in attempting to reconcile the

obstinate oils and waters of Poetry and Truth.

Dividing the world of mind into its three most immediately obvious

distinctions, we have the Pure Intellect, Taste, and the Moral Sense. I

place Taste in the middle, because it is just this position which in the

mind it occupies. It holds intimate relations with either extreme; but

from the Moral Sense is separated by so faint a difference that Aristotle

has not hesitated to place some of its operations among the virtues

themselves. Nevertheless we find the _offices _of the trio marked

with a sufficient distinction. Just as the Intellect concerns itself with

Truth, so Taste informs us of the Beautiful, while the Moral Sense is

regardful of Duty. Of this latter, while Conscience teaches the

obligation, and Reason the expediency, Taste contents herself with

displaying the charms:—waging war upon Vice solely on the ground of

her deformity—her disproportion—her animosity to the fitting,

to the appropriate, to the harmonious—in a word, to Beauty.

An immortal instinct deep within the spirit of man is thus plainly a sense

of the Beautiful. This it is which administers to his delight in the

manifold forms, and sounds, and odors and sentiments amid which he exists.

And just as the lily is repeated in the lake, or the eyes of Amaryllis in

the mirror, so is the mere oral or written repetition of these forms, and

sounds, and colors, and odors, and sentiments a duplicate source of the

light. But this mere repetition is not poetry. He who shall simply sing,

with however glowing enthusiasm, or with however vivid a truth of

description, of the sights, and sounds, and odors, and colors, and

sentiments which greet _him _in common with all mankind—he, I

say, has yet failed to prove his divine title. There is still a something

in the distance which he has been unable to attain. We have still a thirst

unquenchable, to allay which he has not shown us the crystal springs. This

thirst belongs to the immortality of Man. It is at once a consequence and

an indication of his perennial existence. It is the desire of the moth for

the star. It is no mere appreciation of the Beauty before us, but a wild

effort to reach the Beauty above. Inspired by an ecstatic prescience of

the glories beyond the grave, we struggle by multiform combinations among

the things and thoughts of Time to attain a portion of that Loveliness

whose very elements perhaps appertain to eternity alone. And thus when by

Poetry, or when by Music, the most entrancing of the poetic moods, we find

ourselves melted into tears, we weep then, not as the Abbate Gravina

supposes, through excess of pleasure, but through a certain petulant,

impatient sorrow at our inability to grasp now, wholly, here on earth, at

once and for ever, those divine and rapturous joys of which _through’

_the poem, or _through _the music, we attain to but brief and

indeterminate glimpses.

The struggle to apprehend the supernal Loveliness—this struggle, on

the part of souls fittingly constituted—has given to the world all

_that _which it (the world) has ever been enabled at once to

understand and _to feel _as poetic.

The Poetic Sentiment, of course, may develop itself in various modes—in

Painting, in Sculpture, in Architecture, in the Dance—very

especially in Music—and very peculiarly, and with a wide field, in

the com position of the Landscape Garden. Our present theme, however, has

regard only to its manifestation in words. And here let me speak briefly

on the topic of rhythm. Contenting myself with the certainty that Music,

in its various modes of metre, rhythm, and rhyme, is of so vast a moment

in Poetry as never to be wisely rejected—is so vitally important an

adjunct, that he is simply silly who declines its assistance, I will not

now pause to maintain its absolute essentiality. It is in Music perhaps

that the soul most nearly attains the great end for which, when inspired

by the Poetic Sentiment, it struggles—the creation of supernal

Beauty. It _may _be, indeed, that here this sublime end is, now and

then, attained in _fact. _We are often made to feel, with a shivering

delight, that from an earthly harp are stricken notes which _cannot _have

been unfamiliar to the angels. And thus there can be little doubt that in

the union of Poetry with Music in its popular sense, we shall find the

widest field for the Poetic development. The old Bards and Minnesingers

had advantages which we do not possess—and Thomas Moore, singing his

own songs, was, in the most legitimate manner, perfecting them as poems.

To recapitulate then:—I would define, in brief, the Poetry of words

as _The Rhythmical Creation of Beauty. _Its sole arbiter is Taste.

With the Intellect or with the Conscience it has only collateral

relations. Unless incidentally, it has no concern whatever either with

Duty or with Truth.

A few words, however, in explanation. _That _pleasure which is at

once the most pure, the most elevating, and the most intense, is derived,

I maintain, from the contemplation of the Beautiful. In the contemplation

of Beauty we alone find it possible to attain that pleasurable elevation,

or excitement _of the soul, _which we recognize as the Poetic

Sentiment, and which is so easily distinguished from Truth, which is the

satisfaction of the Reason, or from Passion, which is the excitement of

the heart. I make Beauty, therefore—using the word as inclusive of

the sublime—I make Beauty the province of the poem, simply because

it is an obvious rule of Art that effects should be made to spring as

directly as possible from their causes:—no one as yet having been

weak enough to deny that the peculiar elevation in question is at least _most

readily _attainable in the poem. It by no means follows, however, that

the incitements of Passion’ or the precepts of Duty, or even the lessons

of Truth, may not be introduced into a poem, and with advantage; for they

may subserve incidentally, in various ways, the general purposes of the

work: but the true artist will always contrive to tone them down in proper

subjection to that _Beauty _which is the atmosphere and the real

essence of the poem.

I cannot better introduce the few poems which I shall present for your

consideration, than by the citation of the Proem to Longfellow’s “Waif”:—

The day is done, and the darkness

Falls from the wings of Night,

As a feather is wafted downward

From an Eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village

Gleam through the rain and the mist,

And a feeling of sadness comes o’er me,

That my soul cannot resist;

A feeling of sadness and longing,

That is not akin to pain,

And resembles sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,

Some simple and heartfelt lay,

That shall soothe this restless feeling,

And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,

Not from the bards sublime,

Whose distant footsteps echo

Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,

Their mighty thoughts suggest

Life’s endless toil and endeavor;

And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,

Whose songs gushed from his heart,

As showers from the clouds of summer,

Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who through long days of labor,

And nights devoid of ease,

Still heard in his soul the music

Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet

The restless pulse of care,

And come like the benediction

That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume

The poem of thy choice,

And lend to the rhyme of the poet

The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares that infest the day

Shall fold their tents like the Arabs,

And as silently steal away.

With no great range of imagination, these lines have been justly admired

for their delicacy of expression. Some of the images are very effective.

Nothing can be better than—

———————the bards sublime,

Whose distant footsteps echo

Down the corridors of Time.

The idea of the last quatrain is also very effective. The poem on the

whole, however, is chiefly to be admired for the graceful _insouciance

_of its metre, so well in accordance with the character of the

sentiments, and especially for the _ease _of the general manner. This

“ease” or naturalness, in a literary style, it has long been the fashion

to regard as ease in appearance alone—as a point of really difficult

attainment. But not so:—a natural manner is difficult only to him

who should never meddle with it—to the unnatural. It is but the

result of writing with the understanding, or with the instinct, that _the

tone, _in composition, should always be that which the mass of mankind

would adopt—and must perpetually vary, of course, with the occasion.

The author who, after the fashion of “The North American Review,” should

be upon _all _occasions merely “quiet,” must necessarily upon _many

_occasions be simply silly, or stupid; and has no more right to be

considered “easy” or “natural” than a Cockney exquisite, or than the

sleeping Beauty in the waxworks.

Among the minor poems of Bryant, none has so much impressed me as the one

which he entitles “June.” I quote only a portion of it:—

There, through the long, long summer hours,

The golden light should lie,

And thick young herbs and groups of flowers

Stand in their beauty by.

The oriole should build and tell

His love-tale, close beside my cell;

The idle butterfly

Should rest him there, and there be heard

The housewife-bee and humming bird.

And what, if cheerful shouts at noon,

Come, from the village sent,

Or songs of maids, beneath the moon,

With fairy laughter blent?

And what if, in the evening light,

Betrothed lovers walk in sight

Of my low monument?

I would the lovely scene around

Might know no sadder sight nor sound.

I know, I know I should not see

The season’s glorious show,

Nor would its brightness shine for me;

Nor its wild music flow;

But if, around my place of sleep,

The friends I love should come to weep,

They might not haste to go.

Soft airs and song, and the light and bloom,

Should keep them lingering by my tomb.

These to their soften’d hearts should bear

The thoughts of what has been,

And speak of one who cannot share

The gladness of the scene;

Whose part in all the pomp that fills

The circuit of the summer hills,

Is—that his grave is green;

And deeply would their hearts rejoice

To hear again his living voice.

The rhythmical flow here is even voluptuous—nothing could be more

melodious. The poem has always affected me in a remarkable manner. The

intense melancholy which seems to well up, perforce, to the surface of all

the poet’s cheerful sayings about his grave, we find thrilling us to the

soul—while there is the truest poetic elevation in the thrill. The

impression left is one of a pleasurable sadness. And if, in the remaining

compositions which I shall introduce to you, there be more or less of a

similar tone always apparent, let me remind you that (how or why we know

not) this certain taint of sadness is inseparably connected with all the

higher manifestations of true Beauty. It is, nevertheless,

A feeling of sadness and longing

That is not akin to pain,

And resembles sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

The taint of which I speak is clearly perceptible even in a poem so full

of brilliancy and spirit as “The Health” of Edward Coate Pinckney:—

I fill this cup to one made up

Of loveliness alone,

A woman, of her gentle sex

The seeming paragon;

To whom the better elements

And kindly stars have given

A form so fair that, like the air,

’Tis less of earth than heaven.

Her every tone is music’s own,

Like those of morning birds,

And something more than melody

Dwells ever in her words;

The coinage of her heart are they,

And from her lips each flows

As one may see the burden’d bee

Forth issue from the rose.

Affections are as thoughts to her,

The measures of her hours;

Her feelings have the flagrancy,

The freshness of young flowers;

And lovely passions, changing oft,

So fill her, she appears

The image of themselves by turns,—

The idol of past years!

Of her bright face one glance will trace

A picture on the brain,

And of her voice in echoing hearts

A sound must long remain;

But memory, such as mine of her,

So very much endears,

When death is nigh my latest sigh

Will not be life’s, but hers.

I fill’d this cup to one made up

Of loveliness alone,

A woman, of her gentle sex

The seeming paragon—

Her health! and would on earth there stood,

Some more of such a frame,

That life might be all poetry,

And weariness a name.

It was the misfortune of Mr. Pinckney to have been born too far south. Had

he been a New Englander, it is probable that he would have been ranked as

the first of American lyrists by that magnanimous cabal which has so long

controlled the destinies of American Letters, in conducting the thing

called “The North American Review.” The poem just cited is especially

beautiful; but the poetic elevation which it induces we must refer chiefly

to our sympathy in the poet’s enthusiasm. We pardon his hyperboles for the

evident earnestness with which they are uttered.

It was by no means my design, however, to expatiate upon the _merits

_of what I should read you. These will necessarily speak for

themselves. Boccalini, in his “Advertisements from Parnassus,” tells us

that Zoilus once presented Apollo a very caustic criticism upon a very

admirable book:—whereupon the god asked him for the beauties of the

work. He replied that he only busied himself about the errors. On hearing

this, Apollo, handing him a sack of unwinnowed wheat, bade him pick out _all

the chaff _for his reward.

Now this fable answers very well as a hit at the critics—but I am by

no means sure that the god was in the right. I am by no means certain that

the true limits of the critical duty are not grossly misunderstood.

Excellence, in a poem especially, may be considered in the light of an

axiom, which need only be properly _put, _to become self-evident. It

is _not _excellence if it require to be demonstrated as such:—and

thus to point out too particularly the merits of a work of Art, is to

admit that they are _not _merits altogether.

Among the “Melodies” of Thomas Moore is one whose distinguished character

as a poem proper seems to have been singularly left out of view. I allude

to his lines beginning—“Come, rest in this bosom.” The intense

energy of their expression is not surpassed by anything in Byron. There

are two of the lines in which a sentiment is conveyed that embodies the _all

in all _of the divine passion of Love—a sentiment which, perhaps,

has found its echo in more, and in more passionate, human hearts than any

other single sentiment ever embodied in words:—

Come, rest in this bosom, my own stricken deer

Though the herd have fled from thee, thy home is still here;

Here still is the smile, that no cloud can o’ercast,

And a heart and a hand all thy own to the last.

Oh! what was love made for, if ’tis not the same

Through joy and through torment, through glory and shame?

I know not, I ask not, if guilt’s in that heart,

I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art.

Thou hast call’d me thy Angel in moments of bliss,

And thy Angel I’ll be, ‘mid the horrors of this,—

Through the furnace, unshrinking, thy steps to pursue,

And shield thee, and save thee,—or perish there too!

It has been the fashion of late days to deny Moore Imagination, while

granting him Fancy—a distinction originating with Coleridge—than

whom no man more fully comprehended the great powers of Moore. The fact

is, that the fancy of this poet so far predominates over all his other

faculties, and over the fancy of all other men, as to have induced, very

naturally, the idea that he is fanciful _only. _But never was there a

greater mistake. Never was a grosser wrong done the fame of a true poet.

In the compass of the English language I can call to mind no poem more

profoundly—more weirdly _imaginative, _in the best sense, than

the lines commencing—“I would I were by that dim lake”—which

are the com. position of Thomas Moore. I regret that I am unable to

remember them.

One of the noblest—and, speaking of Fancy—one of the most

singularly fanciful of modern poets, was Thomas Hood. His “Fair Ines” had

always for me an inexpressible charm:—

O saw ye not fair Ines?

She’s gone into the West,

To dazzle when the sun is down,

And rob the world of rest;

She took our daylight with her,

The smiles that we love best,

With morning blushes on her cheek,

And pearls upon her breast.

O turn again, fair Ines,

Before the fall of night,

For fear the moon should shine alone,

And stars unrivalltd bright;

And blessed will the lover be

That walks beneath their light,

And breathes the love against thy cheek

I dare not even write!

Would I had been, fair Ines,

That gallant cavalier,

Who rode so gaily by thy side,

And whisper’d thee so near!

Were there no bonny dames at home

Or no true lovers here,

That he should cross the seas to win

The dearest of the dear?

I saw thee, lovely Ines,

Descend along the shore,

With bands of noble gentlemen,

And banners waved before;

And gentle youth and maidens gay,

And snowy plumes they wore;

It would have been a beauteous dream,

If it had been no more!

Alas, alas, fair Ines,

She went away with song,

With music waiting on her steps,

And shootings of the throng;

But some were sad and felt no mirth,

But only Music’s wrong,

In sounds that sang Farewell, Farewell,

To her you’ve loved so long.

Farewell, farewell, fair Ines,

That vessel never bore

So fair a lady on its deck,

Nor danced so light before,—

Alas for pleasure on the sea,

And sorrow on the shorel

The smile that blest one lover’s heart

Has broken many more!

“The Haunted House,” by the same author, is one of the truest poems ever

written,—one of the truest, one of the most unexceptionable, one of

the most thoroughly artistic, both in its theme and in its execution. It

is, moreover, powerfully ideal—imaginative. I regret that its length

renders it unsuitable for the purposes of this lecture. In place of it

permit me to offer the universally appreciated “Bridge of Sighs”:—

One more Unfortunate,

Weary of breath,

Rashly importunate

Gone to her death!

Take her up tenderly,

Lift her with care;—

Fashion’d so slenderly,

Young and so fair!

Look at her garments

Clinging like cerements;

Whilst the wave constantly

Drips from her clothing;

Take her up instantly,

Loving not loathing.

Touch her not scornfully;

Think of her mournfully,

Gently and humanly;

Not of the stains of her,

All that remains of her

Now is pure womanly.

Make no deep scrutiny

Into her mutiny

Rash and undutiful;

Past all dishonor,

Death has left on her

Only the beautiful.

Where the lamps quiver

So far in the river,

With many a light

From window and casement

From garret to basement,

She stood, with amazement,

Houseless by night.

The bleak wind of March

Made her tremble and shiver,

But not the dark arch,

Or the black flowing river:

Mad from life’s history,

Glad to death’s mystery,

Swift to be hurl’d—

Anywhere, anywhere

Out of the world!

In she plunged boldly,

No matter how coldly

The rough river ran,—

Over the brink of it,

Picture it,—think of it,

Dissolute Man!

Lave in it, drink of it

Then, if you can!

Still, for all slips of hers,

One of Eve’s family—

Wipe those poor lips of hers

Oozing so clammily,

Loop up her tresses

Escaped from the comb,

Her fair auburn tresses;

Whilst wonderment guesses

Where was her home?

Who was her father?

Who was her mother?

Had she a sister?

Had she a brother?

Or was there a dearer one

Still, and a nearer one

Yet, than all other?

Alas! for the rarity

Of Christian charity

Under the sun!

Oh! it was pitiful!

Near a whole city full,

Home she had none.

Sisterly, brotherly,

Fatherly, motherly,

Feelings had changed:

Love, by harsh evidence,

Thrown from its eminence;

Even God’s providence

Seeming estranged.

Take her up tenderly;

Lift her with care;

Fashion’d so slenderly,

Young, and so fair!

Ere her limbs frigidly

Stiffen too rigidly,

Decently,—kindly,—

Smooth and compose them;

And her eyes, close them,

Staring so blindly!

Dreadfully staring

Through muddy impurity,

As when with the daring

Last look of despairing

Fixed on futurity.

Perhishing gloomily,

Spurred by contumely,

Cold inhumanity,

Burning insanity,

Into her rest,—

Cross her hands humbly,

As if praying dumbly,

Over her breast!

Owning her weakness,

Her evil behavior,

And leaving, with meekness,

Her sins to her Saviour!

The vigor of this poem is no less remarkable than its pathos. The

versification although carrying the fanciful to the very verge of the

fantastic, is nevertheless admirably adapted to the wild insanity which is

the thesis of the poem.

Among the minor poems of Lord Byron is one which has never received from

the critics the praise which it undoubtedly deserves:—

Though the day of my destiny’s over,

And the star of my fate bath declined

Thy soft heart refused to discover

The faults which so many could find;

Though thy soul with my grief was acquainted,

It shrunk not to share it with me,

And the love which my spirit bath painted

It never bath found but in _thee._

Then when nature around me is smiling,

The last smile which answers to mine,

I do not believe it beguiling,

Because it reminds me of shine;

And when winds are at war with the ocean,

As the breasts I believed in with me,

If their billows excite an emotion,

It is that they bear me from _thee._

Though the rock of my last hope is shivered,

And its fragments are sunk in the wave,

Though I feel that my soul is delivered

To pain—it shall not be its slave.

There is many a pang to pursue me:

They may crush, but they shall not contemn—

They may torture, but shall not subdue me—

’Tis of _thee _that I think—not of them.

Though human, thou didst not deceive me,

Though woman, thou didst not forsake,

Though loved, thou forborest to grieve me,

Though slandered, thou never couldst shake,—

Though trusted, thou didst not disclaim me,

Though parted, it was not to fly,

Though watchful, ’twas not to defame me,

Nor mute, that the world might belie.

Yet I blame not the world, nor despise it,

Nor the war of the many with one—

If my soul was not fitted to prize it,

’Twas folly not sooner to shun:

And if dearly that error bath cost me,

And more than I once could foresee,

I have found that whatever it lost me,

It could not deprive me of _thee._

From the wreck of the past, which bath perished,

Thus much I at least may recall,

It bath taught me that which I most cherished

Deserved to be dearest of all:

In the desert a fountain is springing,

In the wide waste there still is a tree,

And a bird in the solitude singing,

Which speaks to my spirit of _thee._

Although the rhythm here is one of the most difficult, the versification

could scarcely be improved. No nobler _theme _ever engaged the pen of

poet. It is the soul-elevating idea that no man can consider himself

entitled to complain of Fate while in his adversity he still retains the

unwavering love of woman.

From Alfred Tennyson, although in perfect sincerity I regard him as the

noblest poet that ever lived, I have left myself time to cite only a very

brief specimen. I call him, and _think _him the noblest of poets, _not

_because the impressions he produces are at _all _times the most

profound—_not _because the poetical excitement which he induces

is at _all _times the most intense—but because it is at all

times the most ethereal—in other words, the most elevating and most

pure. No poet is so little of the earth, earthy. What I am about to read

is from his last long poem, “The Princess”:—

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy Autumn fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,

That brings our friends up from the underworld,

Sad as the last which reddens over one

That sinks with all we love below the verge;

So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.

Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns

The earliest pipe of half-awaken’d birds

To dying ears, when unto dying eyes

The casement slowly grows a glimmering square;

So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remember’d kisses after death,

And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign’d

On lips that are for others; deep as love,

Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;

O Death in Life, the days that are no more.

Thus, although in a very cursory and imperfect manner, I have endeavored

to convey to you my conception of the Poetic Principle. It has been my

purpose to suggest that, while this principle itself is strictly and

simply the Human Aspiration for Supernal Beauty, the manifestation of the

Principle is always found in _an elevating excitement of the soul, _quite

independent of that passion which is the intoxication of the Heart, or of

that truth which is the satisfaction of the Reason. For in regard to

passion, alas! its tendency is to degrade rather than to elevate the Soul.

Love, on the contrary—Love—the true, the divine Eros—the

Uranian as distinguished from the Diona an Venus—is unquestionably

the purest and truest of all poetical themes. And in regard to Truth, if,

to be sure, through the attainment of a truth we are led to perceive a

harmony where none was apparent before, we experience at once the true

poetical effect; but this effect is referable to the harmony alone, and

not in the least degree to the truth which merely served to render the

harmony manifest.

We shall reach, however, more immediately a distinct conception of what

the true Poetry is, by mere reference to a few of the simple elements

which induce in the Poet himself the poetical effect He recognizes the

ambrosia which nourishes his soul in the bright orbs that shine in Heaven—in

the volutes of the flower—in the clustering of low shrubberies—in

the waving of the grain-fields—in the slanting of tall eastern trees—in

the blue distance of mountains—in the grouping of clouds—in

the twinkling of half-hidden brooks—in the gleaming of silver rivers—in

the repose of sequestered lakes—in the star-mirroring depths of

lonely wells. He perceives it in the songs of birds—in the harp of

Bolos—in the sighing of the night-wind—in the repining voice

of the forest—in the surf that complains to the shore—in the

fresh breath of the woods—in the scent of the violet—in the

voluptuous perfume of the hyacinth—in the suggestive odour that

comes to him at eventide from far distant undiscovered islands, over dim

oceans, illimitable and unexplored. He owns it in all noble thoughts—in

all unworldly motives—in all holy impulses—in all chivalrous,

generous, and self-sacrificing deeds. He feels it in the beauty of woman—in

the grace of her step—in the lustre of her eye—in the melody

of her voice—in her soft laughter, in her sigh—in the harmony

of the rustling of her robes. He deeply feels it in her winning

endearments—in her burning enthusiasms—in her gentle charities—in

her meek and devotional endurances—but above all—ah, far above

all, he kneels to it—he worships it in the faith, in the purity, in

the strength, in the altogether divine majesty—of her love.

Let me conclude by—the recitation of yet another brief poem—one

very different in character from any that I have before quoted. It is by

Motherwell, and is called “The Song of the Cavalier.” With our modern and

altogether rational ideas of the absurdity and impiety of warfare, we are

not precisely in that frame of mind best adapted to sympathize with the

sentiments, and thus to appreciate the real excellence of the poem. To do

this fully we must identify ourselves in fancy with the soul of the old

cavalier:—

Then mounte! then mounte, brave gallants all,

And don your helmes amaine:

Deathe’s couriers. Fame and Honor call

No shrewish teares shall fill your eye

When the sword-hilt’s in our hand,—

Heart-whole we’ll part, and no whit sighe

For the fayrest of the land;

Let piping swaine, and craven wight,

Thus weepe and poling crye,

Our business is like men to fight.

OLD ENGLISH POETRY (*)

It should not be doubted that at least one-third of the affection with

which we regard the elder poets of Great Britain should be-attributed to

what is, in itself, a thing apart from poetry-we mean to the simple love

of the antique-and that, again, a third of even the proper _poetic

sentiment inspired_by their writings should be ascribed to a fact

which, while it has strict connection with poetry in the abstract, and

with the old British poems themselves, should not be looked upon as a

merit appertaining to the authors of the poems. Almost every devout

admirer of the old bards, if demanded his opinion of their productions,

would mention vaguely, yet with perfect sincerity, a sense of dreamy,

wild, indefinite, and he would perhaps say, indefinable delight; on being

required to point out the source of this so shadowy pleasure, he would be

apt to speak of the quaint in phraseology and in general handling. This

quaintness is, in fact, a very powerful adjunct to ideality, but in the

case in question it arises independently of the author’s will, and is

altogether apart from his intention. Words and their rhythm have varied.

Verses which affect us to-day with a vivid delight, and which delight, in

many instances, may be traced to the one source, quaintness, must have

worn in the days of their construction, a very commonplace air. This is,

of course, no argument against the poems now-we mean it only as against

the poets _thew. _There is a growing desire to overrate them. The old

English muse was frank, guileless, sincere, and although very learned,

still learned without art. No general error evinces a more thorough

confusion of ideas than the error of supposing Donne and Cowley

metaphysical in the sense wherein Wordsworth and Coleridge are so. With

the two former ethics were the end-with the two latter the means. The poet

of the “Creation” wished, by highly artificial verse, to inculcate what he

supposed to be moral truth-the poet of the “Ancient Mariner” to infuse the

Poetic Sentiment through channels suggested by analysis. The one finished

by complete failure what he commenced in the grossest misconception; the

other, by a path which could not possibly lead him astray, arrived at a

triumph which is not the less glorious because hidden from the profane

eyes of the multitude. But in this view even the “metaphysical verse” of

Cowley is but evidence of the simplicity and single-heartedness of the

man. And he was in this but a type of his school-for we may as well

designate in this way the entire class of writers whose poems are bound up

in the volume before us, and throughout all of whom there runs a very

perceptible general character. They used little art in composition. Their

writings sprang immediately from the soul-and partook intensely of that

soul’s nature. Nor is it difficult to perceive the tendency of this _abandon-to

elevate _immeasurably all the energies of mind-but, again, so to mingle

the greatest possible fire, force, delicacy, and all good things, with the

lowest possible bathos, baldness, and imbecility, as to render it not a

matter of doubt that the average results of mind in such a school will be

found inferior to those results in one _(ceteris _paribus) more

artificial.

We can not bring ourselves to believe that the selections of the “Book of

Gems” are such as will impart to a poetical reader the clearest possible

idea of the beauty of the school-but if the intention had been merely to

show the school’s character, the attempt might have been considered

successful in the highest degree. There are long passages now before us of

the most despicable trash, with no merit whatever beyond that of their

antiquity.. The criticisms of the editor do not particularly please us.

His enthusiasm is too general and too vivid not to be false. His opinion,

for example, of Sir Henry Wotton’s “Verses on the Queen of Bohemia"-that

“there are few finer things in our language,” is untenable and absurd.

In such lines we can perceive not one of those higher attributes of Poesy

which belong to her in all circumstances and throughout all time. Here

every thing is art, nakedly, or but awkwardly concealed. No prepossession

for the mere antique (and in this case we can imagine no other

prepossession) should induce us to dignify with the sacred name of poetry,

a series, such as this, of elaborate and threadbare compliments, stitched,

apparently, together, without fancy, without plausibility, and without

even an attempt at adaptation.

In common with all the world, we have been much delighted with “The

Shepherd’s Hunting” by Withers—a poem partaking, in a remarkable

degree, of the peculiarities of “Il Penseroso.” Speaking of Poesy the

author says:

“By the murmur of a spring,

Or the least boughs rustleling,

By a daisy whose leaves spread,

Shut when Titan goes to bed,

Or a shady bush or tree,

She could more infuse in me

Than all Nature’s beauties can

In some other wiser man.

By her help I also now

Make this churlish place allow

Something that may sweeten gladness

In the very gall of sadness—

The dull loneness, the black shade,

That these hanging vaults have made

The strange music of the waves

Beating on these hollow caves,

This black den which rocks emboss,

Overgrown with eldest moss,

The rude portals that give light

More to terror than delight,

This my chamber of neglect

Walled about with disrespect;

From all these and this dull air

A fit object for despair,

She hath taught me by her might

To draw comfort and delight.”

But these lines, however good, do not bear with them much of the general

character of the English antique. Something more of this will be found in

Corbet’s “Farewell to the Fairies!” We copy a portion of Marvell’s “Maiden

lamenting for her Fawn,” which we prefer-not only as a specimen of the

elder poets, but in itself as a beautiful poem, abounding in pathos,

exquisitely delicate imagination and truthfulness-to anything of its

species:

“It is a wondrous thing how fleet

’Twas on those little silver feet,

With what a pretty skipping grace

It oft would challenge me the race,

And when’t had left me far away

’Twould stay, and run again, and stay;

For it was nimbler much than hinds,

And trod as if on the four winds.

I have a garden of my own,

But so with roses overgrown,

And lilies, that you would it guess

To be a little wilderness;

And all the spring-time of the year

It only loved to be there.

Among the beds of lilies I

Have sought it oft where it should lie,

Yet could not, till itself would rise,

Find it, although before mine eyes.

For in the flaxen lilies’ shade

It like a bank of lilies laid;

Upon the roses it would feed

Until its lips even seemed to bleed,

And then to me ’twould boldly trip,

And print those roses on my lip,

But all its chief delight was still

With roses thus itself to fill,

And its pure virgin limbs to fold

In whitest sheets of lilies cold.

Had it lived long, it would have been

Lilies without, roses within.”

How truthful an air of lamentations hangs here upon every syllable! It

pervades all.. It comes over the sweet melody of the words-over the

gentleness and grace which we fancy in the little maiden herself-even over

the half-playful, half-petulant air with which she lingers on the beauties

and good qualities of her favorite-like the cool shadow of a summer cloud

over a bed of lilies and violets, “and all sweet flowers.” The whole is

redolent with poetry of a very lofty order. Every line is an idea

conveying either the beauty and playfulness of the fawn, or the

artlessness of the maiden, or her love, or her admiration, or her grief,

or the fragrance and warmth and _appropriateness _of the little

nest-like bed of lilies and roses which the fawn devoured as it lay upon

them, and could scarcely be distinguished from them by the once happy

little damsel who went to seek her pet with an arch and rosy smile on her

face. Consider the great variety of truthful and delicate thought in the

few lines we have quoted the _wonder _of the little maiden at the

fleetness of her favorite-the “little silver feet”—the fawn

challenging his mistress to a race with “a pretty skipping grace,” running

on before, and then, with head turned back, awaiting her approach only to

fly from it again-can we not distinctly perceive all these things? How

exceedingly vigorous, too, is the line,

“And trod as if on the four winds!”

A vigor apparent only when we keep in mind the artless character of the

speaker and the four feet of the favorite, one for each wind. Then

consider the garden of “my own,” so overgrown, entangled with roses and

lilies, as to be “a little wilderness”—the fawn loving to be there,

and there “only”—the maiden seeking it “where it _should _lie”—and

not being able to distinguish it from the flowers until “itself would

rise”—the lying among the lilies “like a bank of lilies”—the

loving to “fill itself with roses,”

“And its pure virgin limbs to fold

In whitest sheets of lilies cold,”

and these things being its “chief” delights-and then the pre-eminent

beauty and naturalness of the concluding lines, whose very hyperbole only

renders them more true to nature when we consider the innocence, the

artlessness, the enthusiasm, the passionate girl, and more passionate

admiration of the bereaved child—

“Had it lived long, it would have been Lilies without, roses within.”

* “Book of Gems,” Edited by S. C. Hall

POEMS

TO

THE NOBLEST OF HER SEX

THE AUTHOR OF

“THE DRAMA OF EXILE”—

TO

MISS ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING

OF ENGLAND

_I DEDICATE THIS VOLUME_

WITH THE MOST ENTHUSIASTIC ADMIRATION AND WITH

THE MOST SINCERE ESTEEM

1845 E.A.P.

PREFACE

These trifles are collected and republished chiefly with a view to their

redemption from the many improvements to which they have been subjected

while going at random the “rounds of the press.” I am naturally anxious

that what I have written should circulate as I wrote it, if it circulate

at all. In defence of my own taste, nevertheless, it is incumbent upon me

to say that I think nothing in this volume of much value to the public, or

very creditable to myself. Events not to be controlled have prevented me

from making, at any time, any serious effort in what, under happier

circumstances, would have been the field of my choice. With me poetry has

been not a purpose, but a passion; and the passions should be held in

reverence: they must not-they can not at will be excited, with an eye to

the paltry compensations, or the more paltry commendations, of man-kind.

E. A. P.

1845

POEMS OF LATER LIFE

THE RAVEN.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—

Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,

And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—

Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

“’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—

Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—

This it is, and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,

And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you “—here I opened wide the door;——

Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore!”

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”—

Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.

“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—

Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—

’Tis the wind and nothing more!”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,

“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,

Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore—

Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”

Quoth the raven “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door—

Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,

With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only

That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered—

Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before—

On the morrow _he_ will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”

Then the bird said “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store

Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster

Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore—

Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore

Of “Never—nevermore.”

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking

Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore—

What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore

Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining

On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplght gloated o’er,

But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,

_She_ shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent

thee

Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”

Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!—

Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—

On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—

Is there—_is_ there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”

Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil—prophet still, if bird or devil!

By that Heaven that bends above us—by that God we both adore—

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,

It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore—

Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”

Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—

“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!

Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”

Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted—nevermore!

Published 1845.

THE BELLS.

I.

Hear the sledges with the bells—

Silver bells!

What a world of merriment their melody foretells!

How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,

In the icy air of night!

While the stars that oversprinkle

All the heavens, seem to twinkle

With a crystalline delight;

Keeping time, time, time,

In a sort of Runic rhyme,

To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells

From the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Bells, bells, bells—

From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

II.

Hear the mellow wedding-bells

Golden bells!

What a world of happiness their harmony foretells!

Through the balmy air of night

How they ring out their delight!—

From the molten-golden notes,

And all in tune,

What a liquid ditty floats

To the turtle-dove that listens, while she gloats

On the moon!

Oh, from out the sounding cells,

What a gush of euphony voluminously wells!

How it swells!

How it dwells

On the Future!—how it tells

Of the rapture that impels

To the swinging and the ringing

Of the bells, bells, bells—

Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Bells, bells, bells—

To the rhyming and the chiming of the bells!

III.

Hear the loud alarum bells—

Brazen bells!

What tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!

In the startled ear of night

How they scream out their affright!

Too much horrified to speak,

They can only shriek, shriek,

Out of tune,

In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire,

In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire,

Leaping higher, higher, higher,

With a desperate desire,

And a resolute endeavor

Now—now to sit, or never,

By the side of the pale-faced moon.

Oh, the bells, bells, bells!

What a tale their terror tells

Of Despair!

How they clang, and clash, and roar!

What a horror they outpour

On the bosom of the palpitating air!

Yet the ear, it fully knows,

By the twanging

And the clanging,

How the danger ebbs and flows;

Yet, the ear distinctly tells,

In the jangling

And the wrangling,

How the danger sinks and swells,

By the sinking or the swelling in the anger of the bells—

Of the bells—

Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Bells, bells, bells—

In the clamour and the clangour of the bells!

IV.

Hear the tolling of the bells—

Iron bells!

What a world of solemn thought their monody compels!

In the silence of the night,

How we shiver with affright

At the melancholy meaning of their tone!

For every sound that floats

From the rust within their throats

Is a groan.

And the people—ah, the people—

They that dwell up in the steeple,

All alone,

And who, tolling, tolling, tolling,

In that muffled monotone,

Feel a glory in so rolling

On the human heart a stone—

They are neither man nor woman—

They are neither brute nor human—

They are Ghouls:—

And their king it is who tolls:—

And he rolls, rolls, rolls, rolls,

Rolls

A pæan from the bells!

And his merry bosom swells

With the pæan of the bells!

And he dances, and he yells;

Keeping time, time, time,

In a sort of Runic rhyme,

To the pæan of the bells—

Of the bells:—

Keeping time, time, time,

In a sort of Runic rhyme,

To the throbbing of the bells—

Of the bells, bells, bells—

To the sobbing of the bells:—

Keeping time, time, time,

As he knells, knells, knells,

In a happy Runic rhyme,

To the rolling of the bells—

Of the bells, bells, bells:—

To the tolling of the bells—

Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Bells, bells, bells—

To the moaning and the groaning of the bells.

1849.

ULALUME

The skies they were ashen and sober;

The leaves they were crisped and sere—

The leaves they were withering and sere;

It was night in the lonesome October

Of my most immemorial year:

It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,

In the misty mid region of Weir:—

It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,

In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

Here once, through an alley Titanic,

Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul—

Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.

There were days when my heart was volcanic

As the scoriac rivers that roll—

As the lavas that restlessly roll

Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek,

In the ultimate climes of the Pole—

That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek

In the realms of the Boreal Pole.

Our talk had been serious and sober,

But our thoughts they were palsied and sere—

Our memories were treacherous and sere;

For we knew not the month was October,

And we marked not the night of the year—

(Ah, night of all nights in the year!)

We noted not the dim lake of Auber,

(Though once we had journeyed down here)

We remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,

Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

And now, as the night was senescent,

And star-dials pointed to morn—

As the star-dials hinted of morn—

At the end of our path a liquescent

And nebulous lustre was born,

Out of which a miraculous crescent

Arose with a duplicate horn—

Astarte’s bediamonded crescent,

Distinct with its duplicate horn.

And I said—“She is warmer than Dian:

She rolls through an ether of sighs—

She revels in a region of sighs.

She has seen that the tears are not dry on

These cheeks, where the worm never dies,

And has come past the stars of the Lion,

To point us the path to the skies—

To the Lethean peace of the skies—

Come up, in despite of the Lion,

To shine on us with her bright eyes—

Come up, through the lair of the Lion,

With love in her luminous eyes.”

But Psyche, uplifting her finger,

Said—“Sadly this star I mistrust—

Her pallor I strangely mistrust—

Ah, hasten!—ah, let us not linger!

Ah, fly!—let us fly!—for we must.”

In terror she spoke; letting sink her

Wings till they trailed in the dust—

In agony sobbed, letting sink her

Plumes till they trailed in the dust—

Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

I replied—“This is nothing but dreaming.

Let us on, by this tremulous light!

Let us bathe in this crystalline light!

Its Sybillic splendor is beaming

With Hope and in Beauty to-night—

See!—it flickers up the sky through the night!

Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,

And be sure it will lead us aright—

We safely may trust to a gleaming

That cannot but guide us aright,

Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night.”

Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,

And tempted her out of her gloom—

And conquered her scruples and gloom;

And we passed to the end of the vista—

But were stopped by the door of a tomb—

By the door of a legended tomb:—

And I said—“What is written, sweet sister,

On the door of this legended tomb?”

She replied—“Ulalume—Ulalume—

‘T is the vault of thy lost Ulalume!”

Then my heart it grew ashen and sober

As the leaves that were crisped and sere—

As the leaves that were withering and sere—

And I cried—“It was surely October

On _this_ very night of last year,

That I journeyed—I journeyed down here!—

That I brought a dread burden down here—

On this night, of all nights in the year,

Ah, what demon has tempted me here?

Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber—

This misty mid region of Weir:—

Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber—

This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.”

1847.

TO HELEN

I saw thee once—once only—years ago:

I must not say how many—but not many.

It was a July midnight; and from out

A full-orbed moon, that, like thine own soul, soaring,

Sought a precipitate pathway up through heaven,

There fell a silvery-silken veil of light,

With quietude, and sultriness, and slumber,

Upon the upturned faces of a thousand

Roses that grew in an enchanted garden,

Where no wind dared to stir, unless on tiptoe—

Fell on the upturn’d faces of these roses

That gave out, in return for the love-light,

Their odorous souls in an ecstatic death—

Fell on the upturn’d faces of these roses

That smiled and died in this parterre, enchanted

By thee, and by the poetry of thy presence.

Clad all in white, upon a violet bank

I saw thee half reclining; while the moon

Fell on the upturn’d faces of the roses,

And on thine own, upturn’d—alas, in sorrow!

Was it not Fate, that, on this July midnight-

Was it not Fate, (whose name is also Sorrow,)

That bade me pause before that garden-gate,

To breathe the incense of those slumbering roses?

No footstep stirred: the hated world an slept,

Save only thee and me. (Oh, Heaven!—oh, God!

How my heart beats in coupling those two words!)

Save only thee and me. I paused—I looked-

And in an instant all things disappeared.

(Ah, bear in mind this garden was enchanted!)

The pearly lustre of the moon went out:

The mossy banks and the meandering paths,

The happy flowers and the repining trees,

Were seen no more: the very roses’ odors

Died in the arms of the adoring airs.

All—all expired save thee—save less than thou:

Save only the divine light in thine eyes-

Save but the soul in thine uplifted eyes.

I saw but them—they were the world to me!

I saw but them—saw only them for hours,

Saw only them until the moon went down.

What wild heart-histories seemed to he enwritten

Upon those crystalline, celestial spheres!

How dark a woe, yet how sublime a hope!

How silently serene a sea of pride!

How daring an ambition; yet how deep-

How fathomless a capacity for love!

But now, at length, dear Dian sank from sight,

Into a western couch of thunder-cloud;

And thou, a ghost, amid the entombing trees

Didst glide away. Only thine eyes remained;

They would not go—they never yet have gone;

Lighting my lonely pathway home that night,

They have not left me (as my hopes have) since;

They follow me—they lead me through the years.

They are my ministers—yet I their slave.

Their office is to illumine and enkindle—

My duty, to be saved by their bright light,

And purified in their electric fire,

And sanctified in their elysian fire.

They fill my soul with Beauty (which is Hope),

And are far up in Heaven—the stars I kneel to

In the sad, silent watches of my night;

While even in the meridian glare of day

I see them still—two sweetly scintillant

Venuses, unextinguished by the sun!

ANNABEL LEE.

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden lived whom you may know

By the name of ANNABEL LEE;—

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

_I_ was a child and _She_ was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea,

But we loved with a love that was more than love—

I and my ANNABEL LEE—

With a love that the wingéd seraphs of Heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud by night

Chilling my ANNABEL LEE;

So that her high-born kinsmen came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up, in a sepulchre

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,

Went envying her and me;

Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud, chilling

And killing my ANNABEL LEE.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we—

Of many far wiser than we—

And neither the angels in Heaven above

Nor the demons down under the sea

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE:—

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE;

And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes

Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride

In her sepulchre there by the sea—

In her tomb by the side of the sea.

1849.

A VALENTINE.

For her this rhyme is penned, whose luminous eyes,

Brightly expressive as the twins of Loeda,

Shall find her own sweet name, that, nestling lies

Upon the page, enwrapped from every reader.

Search narrowly the lines!—they hold a treasure

Divine—a talisman—an amulet

That must be worn _at heart_. Search well the measure—

The words—the syllables! Do not forget

The trivialest point, or you may lose your labor!

And yet there is in this no Gordian knot

Which one might not undo without a sabre,

If one could merely comprehend the plot.

Enwritten upon the leaf where now are peering

Eyes scintillating soul, there lie _perdus_

Three eloquent words oft uttered in the hearing

Of poets, by poets—as the name is a poet’s, too.

Its letters, although naturally lying

Like the knight Pinto—Mendez Ferdinando—

Still form a synonym for Truth—Cease trying!

You will not read the riddle, though you do the best _you_ can do.

1846.

[To discover the names in this and the following poem read the first

letter of the first line in connection with the second letter of the

second line, the third letter of the third line, the fourth of the fourth

and so on to the end.]

AN ENIGMA

“Seldom we find,” says Solomon Don Dunce,

“Half an idea in the profoundest sonnet.

Through all the flimsy things we see at once

As easily as through a Naples bonnet—

Trash of all trash!—how _can_ a lady don it?

Yet heavier far than your Petrarchan stuff-

Owl-downy nonsense that the faintest puff

Twirls into trunk-paper the while you con it.”

And, veritably, Sol is right enough.

The general tuckermanities are arrant

Bubbles—ephemeral and _so_ transparent—

But _this_ is, now,—you may depend upon it—

Stable, opaque, immortal—all by dint

Of the dear names that lie concealed within ‘t.

1847. TO MY MOTHER

Because I feel that, in the Heavens above,

The angels, whispering to one another,

Can find, among their burning terms of love,

None so devotional as that of “Mother,”

Therefore by that dear name I long have called you—

You who are more than mother unto me,

And fill my heart of hearts, where Death installed you

In setting my Virginia’s spirit free.

My mother—my own mother, who died early,

Was but the mother of myself; but you

Are mother to the one I loved so dearly,

And thus are dearer than the mother I knew

By that infinity with which my wife

Was dearer to my soul than its soul-life.

1849.

[The above was addressed to the poet’s mother-in-law, Mrs. Clemm—Ed.]

FOR ANNIE

Thank Heaven! the crisis—

The danger is past,

And the lingering illness

Is over at last—

And the fever called “Living”

Is conquered at last.

Sadly, I know

I am shorn of my strength,

And no muscle I move

As I lie at full length—

But no matter!—I feel

I am better at length.

And I rest so composedly,

Now, in my bed,

That any beholder

Might fancy me dead—

Might start at beholding me,

Thinking me dead.

The moaning and groaning,

The sighing and sobbing,

Are quieted now,

With that horrible throbbing

At heart:—ah, that horrible,

Horrible throbbing!

The sickness—the nausea—

The pitiless pain—

Have ceased, with the fever

That maddened my brain—

With the fever called “Living”

That burned in my brain.

And oh! of all tortures

_That_ torture the worst

Has abated—the terrible

Torture of thirst

For the naphthaline river

Of Passion accurst:—

I have drank of a water

That quenches all thirst:—

Of a water that flows,

With a lullaby sound,

From a spring but a very few

Feet under ground—

From a cavern not very far

Down under ground.

And ah! let it never

Be foolishly said

That my room it is gloomy

And narrow my bed;

For man never slept

In a different bed—

And, to _sleep_, you must slumber

In just such a bed.

My tantalized spirit

Here blandly reposes,

Forgetting, or never

Regretting its roses—

Its old agitations

Of myrtles and roses:

For now, while so quietly

Lying, it fancies

A holier odor

About it, of pansies—

A rosemary odor,

Commingled with pansies—

With rue and the beautiful

Puritan pansies.

And so it lies happily,

Bathing in many

A dream of the truth

And the beauty of Annie—

Drowned in a bath

Of the tresses of Annie.

She tenderly kissed me,

She fondly caressed,

And then I fell gently

To sleep on her breast—

Deeply to sleep

From the heaven of her breast.

When the light was extinguished,

She covered me warm,

And she prayed to the angels

To keep me from harm—

To the queen of the angels

To shield me from harm.

And I lie so composedly,

Now in my bed,

(Knowing her love)

That you fancy me dead—

And I rest so contentedly,

Now in my bed,

(With her love at my breast)

That you fancy me dead—

That you shudder to look at me,

Thinking me dead:—

But my heart it is brighter

Than all of the many

Stars in the sky,

For it sparkles with Annie—

It glows with the light

Of the love of my Annie—

With the thought of the light

Of the eyes of my Annie.

1849.

TO F——.

Beloved! amid the earnest woes

That crowd around my earthly path—

(Drear path, alas! where grows

Not even one lonely rose)—

My soul at least a solace hath

In dreams of thee, and therein knows

An Eden of bland repose.

And thus thy memory is to me

Like some enchanted far-off isle

In some tumultuos sea—

Some ocean throbbing far and free

With storms—but where meanwhile

Serenest skies continually

Just o’re that one bright island smile.

1845.

TO FRANCES S. OSGOOD

Thou wouldst be loved?—then let thy heart

From its present pathway part not!

Being everything which now thou art,

Be nothing which thou art not.

So with the world thy gentle ways,

Thy grace, thy more than beauty,

Shall be an endless theme of praise,

And love—a simple duty.

1845.

ELDORADO.

Gaily bedight,

A gallant knight,

In sunshine and in shadow,

Had journeyed long,

Singing a song,

In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old—

This knight so bold—

And o’er his heart a shadow

Fell, as he found

No spot of ground

That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength

Failed him at length,

He met a pilgrim shadow—

‘Shadow,’ said he,

‘Where can it be—

This land of Eldorado?’

‘Over the Mountains

Of the Moon,

Down the Valley of the Shadow,

Ride, boldly ride,’

The shade replied,—

‘If you seek for Eldorado!’

1849.

EULALIE

I DWELT alone

In a world of moan,

And my soul was a stagnant tide,

Till the fair and gentle Eulalie became my blushing bride—

Till the yellow-haired young Eulalie became my smiling bride.

Ah, less—less bright

The stars of the night

Than the eyes of the radiant girl!

And never a flake

That the vapour can make

With the moon-tints of purple and pearl,

Can vie with the modest Eulalie’s most unregarded curl—

Can compare with the bright-eyed Eulalie’s most humble and careless curl.

Now Doubt—now Pain

Come never again,

For her soul gives me sigh for sigh,

And all day long

Shines, bright and strong,

Astarté within the sky,

While ever to her dear Eulalie upturns her matron eye—

While ever to her young Eulalie upturns her violet eye.

1845.

A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow—

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less _gone_?

_All_ that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand—

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep—while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

_One_ from the pitiless wave?

Is _all_ that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?.

1849

TO MARIE LOUISE (SHEW)

Of all who hail thy presence as the morning—

Of all to whom thine absence is the night—

The blotting utterly from out high heaven

The sacred sun—of all who, weeping, bless thee

Hourly for hope—for life—ah! above all,

For the resurrection of deep-buried faith

In Truth—in Virtue—in Humanity—

Of all who, on Despair’s unhallowed bed

Lying down to die, have suddenly arisen

At thy soft-murmured words, “Let there be light!”

At the soft-murmured words that were fulfilled

In the seraphic glancing of thine eyes—

Of all who owe thee most—whose gratitude

Nearest resembles worship—oh, remember

The truest—the most fervently devoted,

And think that these weak lines are written by him—

By him who, as he pens them, thrills to think

His spirit is communing with an angel’s.

1847.

TO MARIE LOUISE (SHEW)

Not long ago, the writer of these lines,

In the mad pride of intellectuality,

Maintained “the power of words”—denied that ever

A thought arose within the human brain

Beyond the utterance of the human tongue:

And now, as if in mockery of that boast,

Two words-two foreign soft dissyllables—

Italian tones, made only to be murmured

By angels dreaming in the moonlit “dew

That hangs like chains of pearl on Hermon hill,”—

Have stirred from out the abysses of his heart,

Unthought-like thoughts that are the souls of thought,

Richer, far wider, far diviner visions

Than even the seraph harper, Israfel,

(Who has “the sweetest voice of all God’s creatures”)

Could hope to utter. And I! my spells are broken.

The pen falls powerless from my shivering hand.

With thy dear name as text, though bidden by thee,

I can not write-I can not speak or think—

Alas, I can not feel; for ’tis not feeling,

This standing motionless upon the golden

Threshold of the wide-open gate of dreams,

Gazing, entranced, adown the gorgeous vista,

And thrilling as I see, upon the right,

Upon the left, and all the way along,

Amid empurpled vapors, far away

To where the prospect terminates-_thee only!_

1848.

THE CITY IN THE SEA.

Lo! Death has reared himself a throne

In a strange city lying alone

Far down within the dim West,

Wherethe good and the bad and the worst and the best

Have gone to their eternal rest.

There shrines and palaces and towers

(Time-eaten towers that tremble not!)

Resemble nothing that is ours.

Around, by lifting winds forgot,

Resignedly beneath the sky

The melancholy waters lie.

No rays from the holy heaven come down

On the long night-time of that town;

But light from out the lurid sea

Streams up the turrets silently—

Gleams up the pinnacles far and free—

Up domes—up spires—up kingly halls—

Up fanes—up Babylon-like walls—

Up shadowy long-forgotten bowers

Of scultured ivy and stone flowers—

Up many and many a marvellous shrine

Whose wreathed friezes intertwine

The viol, the violet, and the vine.

Resignedly beneath the sky

The melancholy waters lie.

So blend the turrets and shadows there

That all seem pendulous in air,

While from a proud tower in the town

Death looks gigantically down.

There open fanes and gaping graves

Yawn level with the luminous waves;

But not the riches there that lie

In each idol’s diamond eye—

Not the gaily-jewelled dead

Tempt the waters from their bed;

For no ripples curl, alas!

Along that wilderness of glass—

No swellings tell that winds may be

Upon some far-off happier sea—

No heavings hint that winds have been

On seas less hideously serene.

But lo, a stir is in the air!

The wave—there is a movement there!

As if the towers had thrown aside,

In slightly sinking, the dull tide—

As if their tops had feebly given

A void within the filmy Heaven.

The waves have now a redder glow—

The hours are breathing faint and low—

And when, amid no earthly moans,

Down, down that town shall settle hence,

Hell, rising from a thousand thrones,

Shall do it reverence.

1845.

THE SLEEPER.

At midnight in the month of June,

I stand beneath the mystic moon.

An opiate vapour, dewy, dim,

Exhales from out her golden rim,

And, softly dripping, drop by drop,

Upon the quiet mountain top.

Steals drowsily and musically

Into the univeral valley.

The rosemary nods upon the grave;

The lily lolls upon the wave;

Wrapping the fog about its breast,

The ruin moulders into rest;

Looking like Lethe, see! the lake

A conscious slumber seems to take,

And would not, for the world, awake.

All Beauty sleeps!—and lo! where lies

(Her easement open to the skies)

Irene, with her Destinies!

Oh, lady bright! can it be right—

This window open to the night?

The wanton airs, from the tree-top,

Laughingly through the lattice drop—

The bodiless airs, a wizard rout,

Flit through thy chamber in and out,

And wave the curtain canopy

So fitfully—so fearfully—

Above the closed and fringed lid

‘Neath which thy slumb’ring sould lies hid,

That o’er the floor and down the wall,

Like ghosts the shadows rise and fall!

Oh, lady dear, hast thous no fear?

Why and what art thou dreaming here?

Sure thou art come p’er far-off seas,

A wonder to these garden trees!

Strange is thy pallor! strange thy dress!

Strange, above all, thy length of tress,

And this all solemn silentness!

The lady sleeps! Oh, may her sleep,

Which is enduring, so be deep!

Heaven have her in its sacred keep!

This chamber changed for one more holy,

This bed for one more melancholy,

I pray to God that she may lie

Forever with unopened eye,

While the dim sheeted ghosts go by!

My love, she sleeps! Oh, may her sleep,

As it is lasting, so be deep!

Soft may the worms about her creep!

Far in the forest, dim and old,

For her may some tall vault unfold—

Some vault that oft hath flung its black

And winged pannels fluttering back,

Triumphant, o’er the crested palls,

Of her grand family funerals—

Some sepulchre, remote, alone,

Against whose portal she hath thrown,

In childhood, many an idle stone—

Some tomb fromout whose sounding door

She ne’er shall force an echo more,

Thrilling to think, poor child of sin!

It was the dead who groaned within.

1845.

BRIDAL BALLAD.

THE ring is on my hand,

And the wreath is on my brow;

Satins and jewels grand

Are all at my command,

And I am happy now.

And my lord he loves me well;

But, when first he breathed his vow,

I felt my bosom swell—

For the words rang as a knell,

And the voice seemed _his_ who fell

In the battle down the dell,

And who is happy now.

But he spoke to re-asure me,

And he kissed my pallid brow,

While a reverie came o’re me,

And to the church-yard bore me,

And I sighed to him before me,

Thinking him dead D’Elormie,

“Oh, I am happy now!”

And thus the words were spoken,

And this the plighted vow,

And, though my faith be broken,

And, though my heart be broken,

Behold the golden token

That _proves_ me happy now!

Would God I could awaken!

For I dream I know not how,

And my soul is sorely shaken

Lest an evil step be taken,—

Lest the dead who is forsaken

May not be happy now.

1845.

NOTES

1. “The Raven” was first published on the 29th January, 1845, in the New

York “Evening Mirror"-a paper its author was then assistant editor of. It

was prefaced by the following words, understood to have been written by N.

P. Willis: “We are permitted to copy (in advance of publication) from the

second number of the “American Review,” the following remarkable poem by

Edgar Poe. In our opinion, it is the most effective single example of

‘fugitive poetry’ ever published in this country, and unsurpassed in

English poetry for subtle conception, masterly ingenuity of versification,

and consistent sustaining of imaginative lift and ‘pokerishness.’ It is

one of those ‘dainties bred in a book’ which we feed on. It will stick to

the memory of everybody who reads it.” In the February number of the

“American Review” the poem was published as by “Quarles,” and it was

introduced by the following note, evidently suggested if not written by

Poe himself.

[“The following lines from a correspondent-besides the deep, quaint strain

of the sentiment, and the curious introduction of some ludicrous touches

amidst the serious and impressive, as was doubtless intended by the

author-appears to us one of the most felicitous specimens of unique

rhyming which has for some time met our eye. The resources of English

rhythm for varieties of melody, measure, and sound, producing

corresponding diversities of effect, having been thoroughly studied, much

more perceived, by very few poets in the language. While the classic

tongues, especially the Greek, possess, by power of accent, several

advantages for versification over our own, chiefly through greater

abundance of spondaic: feet, we have other and very great advantages of

sound by the modern usage of rhyme. Alliteration is nearly the only effect

of that kind which the ancients had in common with us. It will be seen

that much of the melody of ‘The Raven’ arises from alliteration, and the

studious use of similar sounds in unusual places. In regard to its

measure, it may be noted that if all the verses were like the second, they

might properly be placed merely in short lines, producing a not uncommon

form; but the presence in all the others of one line-mostly the second in

the verse” (stanza?)—“which flows continuously, with only an

aspirate pause in the middle, like that before the short line in the

Sapphic Adonic, while the fifth has at the middle pause no similarity of

sound with any part besides, gives the versification an entirely different

effect. We could wish the capacities of our noble language in prosody were

better understood.”—ED. “Am. Rev.”]

2. The bibliographical history of “The Bells” is curious. The subject, and

some lines of the original version, having been suggested by the poet’s

friend, Mrs. Shew, Poe, when he wrote out the first draft of the poem,

headed it, “The Bells, By Mrs. M. A. Shew.” This draft, now the editor’s

property, consists of only seventeen lines, and read thus:

I.

The bells!-ah, the bells!

The little silver bells!

How fairy-like a melody there floats

From their throats—

From their merry little throats—

From the silver, tinkling throats

Of the bells, bells, bells—

Of the bells!

II.

The bells!-ah, the bells!

The heavy iron bells!

How horrible a monody there floats

From their throats—

From their deep-toned throats—

From their melancholy throats!

How I shudder at the notes Of the bells, bells, bells—

Of the bells!

In the autumn of 1848 Poe added another line to this poem, and sent it to

the editor of the “Union Magazine.” It was not published. So, in the

following February, the poet forwarded to the same periodical a much

enlarged and altered transcript. Three months having elapsed without

publication, another revision of the poem, similar to the current version,

was sent, and in the following October was published in the “Union

Magazine.”

3. This poem was first published in Colton’s “American Review” for

December, 1847, as “To—Ulalume: a Ballad.” Being reprinted

immediately in the “Home Journal,” it was copied into various publications

with the name of the editor, N. P. Willis, appended, and was ascribed to

him. When first published, it contained the following additional stanza

which Poe subsequently, at the suggestion of Mrs. Whitman, wisely

suppressed:

Said we then—we two, then—“Ah, can it

Have been that the woodlandish ghouls—

The pitiful, the merciful ghouls—

To bar up our path and to ban it

From the secret that lies in these wolds—

Had drawn up the spectre of a planet

From the limbo of lunary souls—

This sinfully scintillant planet

From the Hell of the planetary souls?”

4. “To Helen!” (Mrs. S. Helen Whitman) was not published until November,

1848, although written several months earlier. It first appeared in the

“Union Magazine,” and with the omission, contrary to the knowledge or

desire of Poe, of the line, “Oh, God! oh, Heaven—how my heart beats

in coupling those two words.”

5. “Annabel Lee” was written early in 1849, and is evidently an expression

of the poet’s undying love for his deceased bride, although at least one

of his lady admirers deemed it a response to her admiration. Poe sent a

copy of the ballad to the “Union Magazine,” in which publication it

appeared in January, 1850, three months after the author’s death. While

suffering from “hope deferred” as to its fate, Poe presented a copy of

“Annabel Lee” to the editor of the “Southern Literary Messenger,” who

published it in the November number of his periodical, a month after Poe’s

death. In the meantime the poet’s own copy, left among his papers, passed

into the hands of the person engaged to edit his works, and he quoted the

poem in an obituary of Poe, in the New York “Tribune,” before any one else

had an opportunity of publishing it.

6. “A Valentine,” one of three poems addressed to Mrs. Osgood, appears to

have been written early in 1846.

7. “An Enigma,” addressed to Mrs. Sarah Anna Lewis (“Stella”), was sent to

that lady in a letter, in November, 1847, and the following March appeared

in Sartain’s “Union Magazine.”

8. The sonnet, “To My Mother” (Maria Clemm), was sent for publication to

the short-lived “Flag of our Union,” early in 1849,’ but does not appear

to have been issued until after its author’s death, when it appeared in

the “Leaflets of Memory” for 1850.

9. “For Annie” was first published in the “Flag of our Union,” in the

spring of 1849. Poe, annoyed at some misprints in this issue, shortly

afterwards caused a corrected copy to be inserted in the “Home Journal.”

10. “To F——” (Frances Sargeant Osgood) appeared in the

“Broadway journal” for April, 1845. These lines are but slightly varied

from those inscribed “To Mary,” in the “Southern Literary Messenger” for

July, 1835, and subsequently republished, with the two stanzas transposed,

in “Graham’s Magazine” for March, 1842, as “To One Departed.”

11. “To F——s S. O—d,” a portion of the poet’s triune

tribute to Mrs. Osgood, was published in the “Broadway Journal” for

September, 1845. The earliest version of these lines appeared in the

“Southern Literary Messenger” for September, 1835, as “Lines written in an

Album,” and was addressed to Eliza White, the proprietor’s daughter.

Slightly revised, the poem reappeared in Burton’s “Gentleman’s Magazine”

for August, 1839, as “To—.”

12. Although “Eldorado” was published during Poe’s lifetime, in 1849, in

the “Flag of our Union,” it does not appear to have ever received the

author’s finishing touches.

POEMS OF MANHOOD

LENORE

Ah broken is the golden bowl! the spirit flown forever!

Let the bell toll!—a saintly soul floats on the Stygian river;

And, Guy De Vere, hast _thou_ no tear?—weep now or never more!

See! on yon drear and rigid bier low lies thy love, Lenore!

Come! let the burial rite be read—the funeral song be sung!—

An anthem for the queenliest dead that ever died so young—

A dirge for her the doubly dead in that she died so young.

“Wretches! ye loved her for her wealth and hated her for her pride,

“And when she fell in feeble health, ye blessed her—that she died!

“How shall the ritual, then, be read?—the requiem how be sung

“By you—by yours, the evil eye,—by yours, the slanderous tongue

“That did to death the innocent that died, and died so young?”

_Peccavimus_; but rave not thus! and let a Sabbath song

Go up to God so solemnly the dead may feel so wrong!

The sweet Lenore hath “gone before,” with Hope, that flew beside

Leaving thee wild for the dear child that should have been thy bride—

For her, the fair and _debonair_, that now so lowly lies,

The life upon her yellow hair but not within her eyes—

The life still there, upon her hair—the death upon her eyes.

“Avaunt! to-night my heart is light. No dirge will I upraise,

“But waft the angel on her flight with a Paean of old days!

“Let no bell toll!—lest her sweet soul, amid its hallowed mirth,

“Should catch the note, as it doth float—up from the damned Earth.

“To friends above, from fiends below, the indignant ghost is riven—

“From Hell unto a high estate far up within the Heaven—

“From grief and groan, to a golden throne, beside the King of Heaven.”

TO ONE IN PARADISE.

Thou wast all that to me, love,

For which my soul did pine—

A green isle in the sea, love,

A fountain and a shrine,

All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,

And all the flowers were mine.

Ah, dream too bright to last!

Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise

But to be overcast!

A voice from out the Future cries,

“On! on!”—but o’er the Past

(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies

Mute, motionless, aghast!

For, alas! alas! with me

The light of Life is o’er!

No more—no more—no more—

(Such language holds the solemn sea

To the sands upon the shore)

Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree,

Or the stricken eagle soar!

And all my days are trances,

And all my nightly dreams

Are where thy dark eye glances,

And where thy footstep gleams—

In what ethereal dances,

By what eternal streams.

1835.

THE COLISEUM.

Type of the antique Rome! Rich reliquary

Of lofty contemplation left to Time

By buried centuries of pomp and power!

At length—at length—after so many days

Of weary pilgrimage and burning thirst,

(Thirst for the springs of lore that in thee lie,)

I kneel, an altered and an humble man,

Amid thy shadows, and so drink within

My very soul thy grandeur, gloom, and glory!

Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eld!

Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night!

I feel ye now—I feel ye in your strength—

O spells more sure than e’er Judæan king

Taught in the gardens of Gethsemane!

O charms more potent than the rapt Chaldee

Ever drew down from out the quiet stars!

Here, where a hero fell, a column falls!

Here, where the mimic eagle glared in gold,

A midnight vigil holds the swarthy bat!

Here, where the dames of Rome their gilded hair

Waved to the wind, now wave the reed and thistle!

Here, where on golden throne the monarch lolled,

Glides, spectre-like, unto his marble home,

Lit by the wanlight—wan light of the horned moon,

The swift and silent lizard of the stones!

But stay! these walls—these ivy-clad arcades—

These mouldering plinths—these sad and blackened shafts—

These vague entablatures—this crumbling frieze—

These shattered cornices—this wreck—this ruin—

These stones—alas! these gray stones—are they all—

All of the famed, and the colossal left

By the corrosive Hours to Fate and me?

“Not all”—the Echoes answer me—“not all!

“Prophetic sounds and loud, arise forever

“From us, and from all Ruin, unto the wise,

“As melody from Memnon to the Sun.

“We rule the hearts of mightiest men—we rule

“With a despotic sway all giant minds.

“We are not impotent—we pallid stones.

“Not all our power is gone—not all our fame—

“Not all the magic of our high renown—

“Not all the wonder that encircles us—

“Not all the mysteries that in us lie—

“Not all the memories that hang upon

“And cling around about us as a garment,

“Clothing us in a robe of more than glory.”

1833.

THE HAUNTED PALACE.

In the greenest of our valleys

By good angels tenanted,

Once a fair and stately palace—

Radiant palace—reared its head.

In the monarch Thought’s dominion—

It stood there!

Never seraph spread a pinion

Over fabric half so fair.

Banners yellow, glorious, golden,

On its roof did float and flow,

(This—all this—was in the olden

Time long ago,)

And every gentle air that dallied,

In that sweet day,

Along the ramparts plumed and pallid,

A winged odour went away.

Wanderers in that happy valley,

Through two luminous windows, saw

Spirits moving musically,

To a lute’s well-tuned law,

Round about a throne where, sitting

(Porphyrogene)

In state his glory well befitting,

The ruler of the realm was seen.

And all with pearl and ruby glowing

Was the fair palace door,

Through which came flowing, flowing, flowing,

And sparkling evermore,

A troop of Echoes, whose sweet duty

Was but to sing,

In voices of surpassing beauty,

The wit and wisdom of their king.

But evil things, in robes of sorrow,

Assailed the monarch’s high estate.

(Ah, let us mourn!—for never sorrow

Shall dawn upon him desolate!)

And round about his home the glory

That blushed and bloomed,

Is but a dim-remembered story

Of the old time entombed.

And travellers, now, within that valley,

Through the red-litten windows see

Vast forms, that move fantastically

To a discordant melody,

While, lie a ghastly rapid river,

Through the pale door

A hideous throng rush out forever

And laugh—but smile no more.

1838.

THE CONQUEROR WORM.

Lo! ’tis a gala night

Within the lonesome latter years!

An angel throng, bewinged, bedight

In veils, and drowned in tears,

Sit in a theatre, to see

A play of hopes and fears,

While the orchestra breathes fitfully

The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,

Mutter and mumble low,

And hither and thither fly—

Mere puppets they, who come and go

At bidding of vast formless things

That shift the scenery to and fro,

Flapping from out their Condor wings

Invisible Woe!

That motley drama—oh, be sure

It shall not be forgot!

With its Phantom chased for evermore,

By a crowd that seize it not,

Through a circle that ever returneth in

To the self-same spot,

And much of Madness, and more of Sin,

And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout

A crawling shape intrude!

A blood-red thing that writhes from out

The scenic solitude!

It writhes!—it writhes!—with mortal pangs

The mimes become its food,

And the angels sob at vermin fangs

In human gore imbued.

Out—out are the lights—out all!

And, over each quivering form,

The curtain, a funeral pall,

Comes down with the rush of a storm

And the angels, all pallid and wan,

Uprising, unveiling, affirm

That the play is the tragedy, “Man,”

And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

1838.

SILENCE

There are some qualities—some incorporate things,

That have a double life, which thus is made

A type of that twin entity which springs

From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.

There is a two-fold _Silence_—sea and shore—

Body and soul. One dwells in lonely places,

Newly with grass o’ergrown; some solemn graces,

Some human memories and tearful lore,

Render him terrorless: his name’s “No More.”

He is the corporate Silence: dread him not!

No power hath he of evil in himself;

But should some urgent fate (untimely lot!)

Bring thee to meet his shadow (nameless elf,

That haunteth the lone regions where hath trod

No foot of man,) commend thyself to God!

1840.

DREAM-LAND

By a route obscure and lonely,

Haunted by ill angels only,

Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,

On a black throne reigns upright,

I have reached these lands but newly

From an ultimate dim Thule—

From a wild weird clime that lieth, sublime,

Out of SPACE—out of TIME.

Bottomless vales and boundless floods,

And chasms, and caves, and Titian woods,

With forms that no man can discover

For the dews that drip all over;

Mountains toppling evermore

Into seas without a shore;

Seas that restlessly aspire,

Surging, unto skies of fire;

Lakes that endlessly outspread

Their lone waters—lone and dead,—

Their still waters—still and chilly

With the snows of the lolling lily.

By the lakes that thus outspread

Their lone waters, lone and dead,—

Their sad waters, sad and chilly

With the snows of the lolling lily,—

By the mountains—near the river

Murmuring lowly, murmuring ever,—

By the grey woods,—by the swamp

Where the toad and the newt encamp,—

By the dismal tarns and pools

Where dwell the Ghouls,—

By each spot the most unholy—

In each nook most melancholy,—

There the traveller meets aghast

Sheeted Memories of the Past—

Shrouded forms that start and sigh

As they pass the wanderer by—

White-robed forms of friends long given,

In agony, to the Earth—and Heaven.

For the heart whose woes are legion

’Tis a peaceful, soothing region—

For the spirit that walks in shadow

’Tis—oh ’tis an Eldorado!

But the traveller, travelling through it,

May not—dare not openly view it;

Never its mysteries are exposed

To the weak human eye unclosed;

So wills its King, who hath forbid

The uplifting of the fringed lid;

And thus the sad Soul that here passes

Beholds it but through darkened glasses.

By a route obscure and lonely,

Haunted by ill angels only,

Where an Eidolon, named NIGHT,

On a black throne reigns upright,

I have wandered home but newly

From this ultimate dim Thule.

1844.

HYMN

At morn—at noon—at twilight dim—

Maria! thou hast heard my hymn!

In joy and wo—in good and ill—

Mother of God, be with me still!

When the Hours flew brightly by

And not a cloud obscured the sky,

My soul, lest it should truant be,

Thy grace did guide to thine and thee;

Now, when storms of Fate o’ercast

Darkly my Present and my Past,

Let my Future radiant shine

With sweet hopes of thee and thine!

1835.

TO ZANTE

Fair isle, that from the fairest of all flowers,

Thy gentlest of all gentle names dost take

How many memories of what radiant hours

At sight of thee and thine at once awake!

How many scenes of what departed bliss!

How many thoughts of what entombed hopes!

How many visions of a maiden that is

No more—no more upon thy verdant slopes!

No _more!_ alas, that magical sad sound

Transfomring all! Thy charms shall please _no more_—

Thy memory _no more! _Accursed ground

Henceforth I hold thy flower-enamelled shore,

O hyacinthine isle! O purple Zante!

“Isoa d’oro! Fior di Levante!”

1837.

SCENES FROM “POLITIAN”

AN UNPUBLISHED DRAMA.

I.

Rome.—A Hall in a Palace Alessandra and Castiglione.

Alessandra. Thou art sad, Castiglione.

Castiglione. Sad!—not I.

Oh, I’m the happiest, happiest man in Rome!

A few days more, thou knowest, my Alessandra,

Will make thee mine. Oh, I am very happy!

Aless. Methinks thou hast a singular way of showing

Thy happiness!—what ails thee, cousin of mine?

Why didst thou sigh so deeply?

Cas. Did I sign?

I was not conscious of it. It is a fashion,

A silly—a most silly fashion I have

When I am very happy. Did I sigh? (sighing.)

Aless. Thou didst. Thou art not well. Thou hast indulged

Too much of late, and I am vexed to see it.

Late hours and wine, Castiglione,—these

Will ruin thee! thou art already altered—

Thy looks are haggard—nothing so wears away

The constitution as late hours and wine.

Cas. (musing.) Nothing, fair cousin, nothing—not even deep

sorrow—

Wears it away like evil hours and wine.

I will amend.

Aless. Do it! I would have thee drop

Thy riotous company, too—fellows low born—

Ill suit the like with old Di Broglio’s heir

And Alessandra’s husband.

Cas. I will drop them.

Aless. Thou wilt—thou must. Attend thou also more

To thy dress and equipage—they are over plain

For thy lofty rank and fashion—much depends

Upon appearances.

Cas. I’ll see to it.

Aless. Then see to it!—pay more attention, sir,

To a becoming carriage—much thou wantest

In dignity.

Cas. Much, much, oh! much I want

In proper dignity.

Aless.(haughtily) Thou mockest me, sir!

Cas. (abstractedly.) Sweet, gentle Lalage!

Aless. Heard I aright?

I speak to him—he speaks of Lalage!

Sir Count! (places her hand on his shoulder) what art thou dreaming?

he’s not well!

What ails thee, sir?

Cas. (startling.) Cousin! fair cousin!—madam!

I crave thy pardon—indeed I am not well—

Your hand from off my shoulder, if you please.

This air is most oppressive!—Madam—the Duke!

Enter Di Broglio.

Di Broglio. My son, I’ve news for thee!—hey?—what’s the

matter? (observing Alessandra)

I’ the pouts? Kiss her, Castiglione! kiss her,

You dog! and make it up, I say, this minute!

I’ve news for you both. Politian is expected

Hourly in Rome—Politian, Earl of Leicester!

We’ll have him at the wedding. ’Tis his first visit

To the imperial city.

Aless. What! Politian

Of Britain, Earl of Leicester?

Di Brog. The same, my love.

We’ll have him at the wedding. A man quite young

In years, but grey in fame. I have not seen him,

But Rumour speaks of him as of a prodigy

Pre-eminent in arts and arms, and wealth,

And high descent. We’ll have him at the wedding.

Aless. I have heard much of this Politian.

Gay, volatile and giddy—is he not?

And little given to thinking.

Di Brog. Far from it, love.

No branch, they say, of all philosophy

So deep abstruse he has not mastered it.

Learned as few are learned.

Aless. ’Tis very strange!

I have known men have seen Politian

And sought his company. They speak of him

As of one who entered madly into life,

Drinking the cup of pleasure to the dregs.

Cas. Ridiculous! Now I have seen Politian

And know him well—nor learned nor mirthful he.

He is a dreamer and a man shut out

From common passions.

Di Brog. Children, we disagree.

Let us go forth and taste the fragrant air

Of the garden. Did I dream, or did I hear

Politian was a melancholy man? (exeunt.)

II

ROME. A Lady’s apartment, with a window open and looking into a garden.

Lalage, in deep mourning, reading at a table on which lie some books and a

hand mirror. In the background Jacinta (a servant maid) leans carelessly

upon a chair.

Lal. [Lalage] Jacinta! is it thou?

Jac. [Jacinta] (pertly.) Yes, Ma’am, I’m here.

Lal. I did not know, Jacinta, you were in waiting.

Sit down!—Let not my presence trouble you—

Sit down!—for I am humble, most humble.

Jac. (aside.) ’Tis time.

(Jacinta seats herself in a side-long manner upon the chair, resting her

elbows upon the back, and regarding her mistress with a contemptuous look.

Lalage continues to read. )

Lal. “It in another climate, so he said,

“Bore a bright golden flower, but not i’ this soil!”

(pauses—turns over some leaves, and resumes)

“No lingering winters there, nor snow, nor shower—

“But Ocean ever to refresh mankind

“Breathes the shrill spirit of the western wind.”

O, beautiful!—most beautiful—how like

To what my fevered soul doth dream of Heaven!

O happy land (pauses) She died!—the maiden died!

A still more happy maiden who couldst die!

Jacinta!

(Jacinta returns no answer, and Lalage presently resumes.)

Again!—a similar tale

Told of a beauteous dame beyond the sea!

Thus speaketh one Ferdinand in the words of the play—

“She died full young”—one Bossola answers him—

“I think not so—her infelicity

“Seemed to have years too many”—Ah luckless lady!

Jacinta! (still no answer)

Here ‘s a far sterner story,

But like—oh, very like in its despair—

Of that Egyptian queen, winning so easily

A thousand hearts—losing at length her own.

She died. Thus endeth the history—and her maids

Lean over and weep—two gentle maids

With gentle names—Eiros and Charmion!

Rainbow and Dove!——Jacinta!

Jac. (pettishly.) Madam, what is it?

Lal. Wilt thou, my good Jacinta, be so kind

As go down in the library and bring me

The Holy Evangelists.

Jac. Pshaw! (exit.)

Lal. If there be balm

For the wounded spirit in Gilead it is there!

Dew in the night time of my bitter trouble

Will there be found—“dew sweeter far than that

Which hangs like chains of pearl on Hermon hill.”

(re-enter Jacinta, and throws a volume on the table.)

There, ma’am, ‘s the book. Indeed she is very troublesome. (aside.)

Lal. (astonished.) What didst thou say, Jacinta? Have I done aught

To grieve thee or to vex thee?—I am sorry.

For thou hast served me long and ever been

Trust-worthy and respectful. (resumes her reading.)

Jac. I can’t believe

She has any more jewels—no—no—she gave me all. (aside.)

Lal. What didst thou say, Jacinta? Now I bethink me

Thou hast not spoken lately of thy wedding.

How fares good Ugo?—and when is it to be?

Can I do aught?—is there no farther aid

Thou needest, Jacinta?

Jac. Is there no farther aid!

That’s meant for me. (aside) I’m sure, madam, you need not

Be always throwing those jewels in my teeth.

Lal. Jewels! Jacinta,—now indeed, Jacinta,

I thought not of the jewels.

Jac. Oh! perhaps not!

But then I might have sworn it. After all,

There ‘s Ugo says the ring is only paste,

For he ‘s sure the Count Castiglione never

Would have given a real diamond to such as you;

And at the best I’m certain, Madam, you cannot

Have use for jewels now. But I might have sworn it. (exit.)

(Lalage bursts into tears and leans her head upon the table—after a

short pause raises it.)

Lal. Poor Lalage!—and is it come to this?

Thy servant maid!—but courage!—’tis but a viper

Whom thou hast cherished to sting thee to the soul!

(taking up the mirror)

Ha! here at least ‘s a friend—too much a friend

In earlier days—a friend will not deceive thee.

Fair mirror and true! now tell me (for thou canst)

A tale—a pretty tale—and heed thou not

Though it be rife with woe: It answers me.

It speaks of sunken eyes, and wasted cheeks,

And Beauty long deceased—remembers me

Of Joy departed—Hope, the Seraph Hope,

Inurned and entombed:—now, in a tone

Low, sad, and solemn, but most audible,

Whispers of early grave untimely yawning

For ruined maid. Fair mirror and true—thou liest not!

Thou hast no end to gain—no heart to break—

Castiglione lied who said he loved—

Thou true—he false!—false!—false!

(While she speaks, a monk enters her apartment, and approaches

unobserved.)

Monk. Refuge thou hast,

Sweet daughter, in Heaven. Think of eternal things!

Give up thy soul to penitence, and pray!

Lal. (arising hurriedly.) I cannot pray!—My soul is at war

with God!

The frightful sounds of merriment below

Disturb my senses—go! I cannot pray—

The sweet airs from the garden worry me!

Thy presence grieves me—go!—thy priestly raiment

Fills me with dread—thy ebony crucifix

With horror and awe!

Monk. Think of thy precious soul!

Lal. Think of my early days!—think of my father

And mother in Heaven think of our quiet home,

And the rivulet that ran before the door!

Think of my little sisters!—think of them!

And think of me!—think of my trusting love

And confidence—his vows—my ruin—think—think

Of my unspeakable misery!—begone!

Yet stay! yet stay!—what was it thou saidst of prayer

And penitence? Didst thou not speak of faith

And vows before the throne?

Monk. I did.

Lal. Lal. ’Tis well.

There is a vow were fitting should be made—

A sacred vow, imperative, and urgent,

A solemn vow!

Monk. Daughter, this zeal is well!

Lal. Father, this zeal is anything but well!

Hast thou a crucifix fit for this thing?

A crucifix whereon to register

This sacred vow? (he hands her his own)

Not that—Oh! no!—no!—no! (shuddering)

Not that! Not that!—I tell thee, holy man,

Thy raiments and thy ebony cross affright me!

Stand back! I have a crucifix myself,—

I have a crucifix Methinks ’twere fitting

The deed—the vow—the symbol of the deed—

And the deed’s register should tally, father!

(draws a cross-handled dagger, and raises it on high)

Behold the cross wherewith a vow like mine

Is written in Heaven!

Monk. Thy words are madness, daughter,

And speak a purpose unholy—thy lips are livid—

Thine eyes are wild—tempt not the wrath divine!

Pause ere too late!—oh, be not—be not rash!

Swear not the oath—oh, swear it not!

Lal. ’Tis sworn!

III.

An apartment in a Palace. Politian and Baldazzar.

Baldazzar.———Arouse thee now, Politian!

Thou must not—nay indeed, indeed, shalt not

Give away unto these humors. Be thyself!

Shake off the idle fancies that beset thee,

And live, for now thou diest!

Politian. Not so, Baldazzar! Surely I live.

Bal. Politian, it doth grieve me

To see thee thus.

Pol. Baldazzar, it doth grieve me

To give thee cause for grief, my honoured friend.

Command me, sir! what wouldst thou have me do?

At thy behest I will shake off that nature

Which from my, forefathers I did inherit,

Which with my mother’s milk I did imbibe,

And be no more Politian, but some other.

Command me, sir!

Bal. To the field, then—to the field—

To the senate or the field.

Pol. Alas! Alas!

There is an imp would follow me even there!

There is an imp hath followed me even there!

There is—what voice was that?

Bal. I heard it not.

I heard not any voice except thine own,

And the echo of thine own.

Pol. Then I but dreamed.

Bal. Give not thy soul to dreams: the camp—the court,

Befit thee—Fame awaits thee—Glory calls—

And her the trumpet-tongued thou wilt not hear

In hearkening to imaginary sounds

And phantom voices.

Pol. It is a phantom voice!

Didst thou not hear it then?

Bal. I heard it not.

Pol. Thou heardst it not!—Baldazaar, speak no more

To me, Politian, of thy camps and courts.

Oh! I am sick, sick, sick, even unto death,

Of the hollow and high-sounding vanities

Of the populous Earth! Bear with me yet awhile!

We have been boys together—schoolfellows—

And now are friends—yet shall not be so long—

For in the eternal city thou shalt do me

A kind and gentle office, and a Power—

A Power august, benignant and supreme—

Shall then absolve thee of all further duties

Unto thy friend.

Bal. Thou speakest a fearful riddle

I will not understand.

Pol. Yet now as Fate

Approaches, and the Hours are breathing low,

The sands of Time are changed to golden grains,

And dazzle me, Baldazzar. Alas! alas!

I cannot die, having within my heart

So keen a relish for the beautiful

As hath been kindled within it. Methinks the air

Is balmier now than it was wont to be—

Rich melodies are floating in the winds—

A rarer loveliness bedecks the earth—

And with a holier lustre the quiet moon

Sitteth in Heaven.—Hist! hist! thou canst not say

Thou hearest not now, Baldazzar?

Bal. Indeed I hear not.

Pol. Not hear it!—listen now!—listen!—the faintest sound

And yet the sweetest that ear ever heard!

A lady’s voice!—and sorrow in the tone!

Baldazzar, it oppresses me like a spell!

Again!—again!—how solemnly it falls

Into my heart of hearts! that eloquent voice

Surely I never heard—yet it were well

Had I but heard it with its thrilling tones

In earlier days!

Bal. I myself hear it now.

Be still!—the voice, if I mistake not greatly,

Proceeds from yonder lattice—which you may see

Very plainly through the window—it belongs,

Does it not? unto this palace of the Duke.

The singer is undoubtedly beneath

The roof of his Excellency—and perhaps

Is even that Alessandra of whom he spoke

As the betrothed of Castiglione,

His son and heir.

Pol. Be still!—it comes again!

Voice “And is thy heart so strong

(very faintly) As for to leave me thus

Who hath loved thee so long

In wealth and woe among?

And is thy heart so strong

As for to leave me thus?

Say nay—say nay!”

Bal. The song is English, and I oft have heard it

In merry England—never so plaintively—

Hist! hist! it comes again!

Voice “Is it so strong

(more loudly) As for to leave me thus

Who hath loved thee so long

In wealth and woe among?

And is thy heart so strong

As for to leave me thus?

Say nay—say nay!”

Bal. ’Tis hushed and all is still!

Pol. All is not still!

Bal. Let us go down.

Pol. Go down, Baldazzar, go!

Bal. The hour is growing late—the Duke awaits use—

Thy presence is expected in the hall

Below. What ails thee, Earl Politian?

Voice “Who hath loved thee so long

(distinctly) In wealth and woe among,

And is thy heart so strong?

Say nay—say nay!”

Bal. Let us descend!—’tis time. Politian, give

These fancies to the wind. Remember, pray,

Your bearing lately savored much of rudeness

Unto the Duke. Arouse thee! and remember

Pol. Remember? I do. Lead on! I do remember.

(going.)

Let us descend. Believe me I would give,

Freely would give the broad lands of my earldom

To look upon the face hidden by yon lattice—

“To gaze upon that veiled face, and hear

Once more that silent tongue.”

Bal. Let me beg you, sir,

Descend with me—the Duke may be offended.

Let us go down, I pray you.

(Voice loudly) Say nay!—say nay!

Pol. (aside) ’Tis strange!—’tis very strange—methought the

voice

Chimed in with my desires, and bade me stay!

(approaching the window.)

Sweet voice! I heed thee, and will surely stay.

Now be this Fancy, by Heaven, or be it Fate,

Still will I not descend. Baldazzar, make

Apology unto the Duke for me;

I go not down to-night.

Bal. Your lordship’s pleasure

Shall be attended to. Good-night, Politian.

Pol. Good-night, my friend, good-night.

IV.

The gardens of a Palace—Moonlight Lalage and Politian.

Lalge. And dost thou speak of love

To me, Politian?—dost thou speak of love

To Lalage?—ah, woe—ah, woe is me!

This mockery is most cruel—most cruel indeed!

Politian. Weep not! oh, sob not thus!—thy bitter tears

Will madden me. Oh, mourn not, Lalage—

Be comforted! I know—I know it all,

And still I speak of love. Look at me, brightest

And beautiful Lalage!—turn here thine eyes!

Thou askest me if I could speak of love,

Knowing what I know, and seeing what I have seen.

Thou askest me that—and thus I answer thee—

Thus on my bended knee I answer thee. (kneeling.)

Sweet Lalage, I love thee—love thee—love thee;

Thro’ good and ill—thro’ weal and wo I love thee.

Not mother, with her first-born on her knee,

Thrills with intenser love than I for thee.

Not on God’s altar, in any time or clime,

Burned there a holier fire than burneth now

Within my spirit for thee. And do I love? (arising.)

Even for thy woes I love thee—even for thy woes-

Thy beauty and thy woes.

Lal. Alas, proud Earl,

Thou dost forget thyself, remembering me!

How, in thy father’s halls, among the maidens

Pure and reproachless of thy princely line,

Could the dishonored Lalage abide?

Thy wife, and with a tainted memory-

MY seared and blighted name, how would it tally

With the ancestral honors of thy house,

And with thy glory?

Pol. Speak not to me of glory!

I hate—I loathe the name; I do abhor

The unsatisfactory and ideal thing.

Art thou not Lalage and I Politian?

Do I not love—art thou not beautiful-

What need we more? Ha! glory!—now speak not of it.

By all I hold most sacred and most solemn-

By all my wishes now—my fears hereafter-

By all I scorn on earth and hope in heaven-

There is no deed I would more glory in,

Than in thy cause to scoff at this same glory

And trample it under foot. What matters it-

What matters it, my fairest, and my best,

That we go down unhonored and forgotten

Into the dust—so we descend together.

Descend together—and then—and then, perchance-

Lal. Why dost thou pause, Politian?

Pol. And then, perchance

Arise together, Lalage, and roam

The starry and quiet dwellings of the blest,

And still-

Lal. Why dost thou pause, Politian?

Pol. And still together—together.

Lal. Now Earl of Leicester!

Thou lovest me, and in my heart of hearts

I feel thou lovest me truly.

Pol. Oh, Lalage!

(throwing himself upon his knee.)

And lovest thou me?

Lal. Hist! hush! within the gloom

Of yonder trees methought a figure passed-

A spectral figure, solemn, and slow, and noiseless-

Like the grim shadow Conscience, solemn and noiseless.

(walks across and returns.)

I was mistaken—’twas but a giant bough

Stirred by the autumn wind. Politian!

Pol. My Lalage—my love! why art thou moved?

Why dost thou turn so pale? Not Conscience’ self,

Far less a shadow which thou likenest to it,

Should shake the firm spirit thus. But the night wind

Is chilly—and these melancholy boughs

Throw over all things a gloom.

Lal. Politian!

Thou speakest to me of love. Knowest thou the land

With which all tongues are busy—a land new found—

Miraculously found by one of Genoa—

A thousand leagues within the golden west?

A fairy land of flowers, and fruit, and sunshine,

And crystal lakes, and over-arching forests,

And mountains, around whose towering summits the winds

Of Heaven untrammelled flow—which air to breathe

Is Happiness now, and will be Freedom hereafter

In days that are to come?

Pol. O, wilt thou—wilt thou

Fly to that Paradise—my Lalage, wilt thou

Fly thither with me? There Care shall be forgotten,

And Sorrow shall be no more, and Eros be all.

And life shall then be mine, for I will live

For thee, and in thine eyes—and thou shalt be

No more a mourner—but the radiant Joys

Shall wait upon thee, and the angel Hope

Attend thee ever; and I will kneel to thee

And worship thee, and call thee my beloved,

My own, my beautiful, my love, my wife,

My all;—oh, wilt thou—wilt thou, Lalage,

Fly thither with me?

Lal. A deed is to be done—

Castiglione lives!

Pol. And he shall die! (exit)

Lal. (after a pause.) And—he—shall—die!—alas!

Castiglione die? Who spoke the words?

Where am I?—what was it he said?—Politian!

Thou art not gone—thou are not gone, Politian!

I feel thou art not gone—yet dare not look,

Lest I behold thee not; thou couldst not go

With those words upon thy lips—O, speak to me!

And let me hear thy voice—one word—one word,

To say thou art not gone,—one little sentence,

To say how thou dost scorn—how thou dost hate

My womanly weakness. Ha! ha! thou art not gone-

O speak to me! I knew thou wouldst not go!

I knew thou wouldst not, couldst not, durst not go.

Villain, thou art not gone—thou mockest me!

And thus I clutch thee—thus!—He is gone, he is gone

Gone—gone. Where am I?—’tis well—’tis very well!

So that the blade be keen—the blow be sure,

’Tis well, ’tis very well—alas! alas!

V.

The suburbs. Politian alone.

Politian. This weakness grows upon me. I am faint,

And much I fear me ill—it will not do

To die ere I have lived!—Stay, stay thy hand,

O Azrael, yet awhile!—Prince of the Powers

Of Darkness and the Tomb, O pity me!

O pity me! let me not perish now,

In the budding of my Paradisal Hope!

Give me to live yet—yet a little while:

’Tis I who pray for life—I who so late

Demanded but to die!—what sayeth the Count?

Enter Baldazzar.

Baldazzar. That knowing no cause of quarrel or of feud

Between the Earl Politian and himself.

He doth decline your cartel.

Pol. What didst thou say?

What answer was it you brought me, good Baldazzar?

With what excessive fragrance the zephyr comes

Laden from yonder bowers!—a fairer day,

Or one more worthy Italy, methinks

No mortal eyes have seen!—what said the Count?

Bal. That he, Castiglione’ not being aware

Of any feud existing, or any cause

Of quarrel between your lordship and himself,

Cannot accept the challenge.

Pol. It is most true—

All this is very true. When saw you, sir,

When saw you now, Baldazzar, in the frigid

Ungenial Britain which we left so lately,

A heaven so calm as this—so utterly free

From the evil taint of clouds?—and he did say?

Bal. No more, my lord, than I have told you, sir:

The Count Castiglione will not fight,

Having no cause for quarrel.

Pol. Now this is true-

All very true. Thou art my friend, Baldazzar,

And I have not forgotten it—thou’lt do me

A piece of service; wilt thou go back and say

Unto this man, that I, the Earl of Leicester,

Hold him a villain?—thus much, I prythee, say

Unto the Count—it is exceeding just

He should have cause for quarrel.

Bal. My lord!—my friend!-

Pol. (aside.) ’Tis he!—he comes himself? (aloud) Thou reasonest

well.

I know what thou wouldst say—not send the message-

Well!—I will think of it—I will not send it.

Now prythee, leave me—hither doth come a person

With whom affairs of a most private nature

I would adjust.

Bal. I go—to-morrow we meet,

Do we not?—at the Vatican.

Pol. At the Vatican. (exit

Bal.)

Enter Castigilone.

Cas. The Earl of Leicester here!

Pol. I am the Earl of Leicester, and thou seest,

Dost thou not? that I am here.

Cas. My lord, some strange,

Some singular mistake—misunderstanding—

Hath without doubt arisen: thou hast been urged

Thereby, in heat of anger, to address

Some words most unaccountable, in writing,

To me, Castiglione; the bearer being

Baldazzar, Duke of Surrey. I am aware

Of nothing which might warrant thee in this thing,

Having given thee no offence. Ha!—am I right?

’Twas a mistake?—undoubtedly—we all

Do err at times.

Pol. Draw, villain, and prate no more!

Cas. Ha!—draw?—and villain? have at thee then at once,

Proud Earl! (draws.)

Pol. (drawing.) Thus to the expiatory tomb,

Untimely sepulchre, I do devote thee

In the name of Lalage!

Cas. (letting fall his sword and recoiling to the extremity of the

stage)

Of Lalage!

Hold off—thy sacred hand!—avaunt, I say!

Avaunt—I will not fight thee—indeed I dare not.

Pol. Thou wilt not fight with me didst say, Sir Count?

Shall I be baffled thus?—now this is well;

Didst say thou darest not? Ha!

Cas. I dare not—dare not—

Hold off thy hand—with that beloved name

So fresh upon thy lips I will not fight thee—

I cannot—dare not.

Pol. Now by my halidom

I do believe thee!—coward, I do believe thee!

Cas. Ha!—coward!—this may not be!

(clutches his sword and staggers towards POLITIAN, but his purpose

is changed before reaching him, and he falls upon his knee at the feet of

the Earl)

Alas! my lord,

It is—it is—most true. In such a cause

I am the veriest coward. O pity me!

Pol. (greatly softened.) Alas!—I do—indeed I pity thee.

Cas. And Lalage-

Pol. Scoundrel!—arise and die!

Cas. It needeth not be—thus—thus—O let me die

Thus on my bended knee. It were most fitting

That in this deep humiliation I perish.

For in the fight I will not raise a hand

Against thee, Earl of Leicester. Strike thou home—

(baring his bosom.)

Here is no let or hindrance to thy weapon-

Strike home. I will not fight thee.

Pol. Now, s’ Death and Hell!

Am I not—am I not sorely—grievously tempted

To take thee at thy word? But mark me, sir,

Think not to fly me thus. Do thou prepare

For public insult in the streets—before

The eyes of the citizens. I’ll follow thee

Like an avenging spirit I’ll follow thee

Even unto death. Before those whom thou lovest-

Before all Rome I’ll taunt thee, villain,—I’ll taunt thee,

Dost hear? with cowardice—thou wilt not fight me?

Thou liest! thou shalt! (exit.)

Cas. Now this indeed is just!

Most righteous, and most just, avenging Heaven!

{In the book there is a gap in numbering the notes between 12 and 29.

—ED}

NOTE

29. Such portions of “Politian” as are known to the public first saw the

light of publicity in the “Southern Literary Messenger” for December,

1835, and January, 1836, being styled “Scenes from Politian: an

unpublished drama.” These scenes were included, unaltered, in the 1845

collection of Poems, by Poe. The larger portion of the original draft

subsequently became the property of the present editor, but it is not

considered just to the poet’s memory to publish it. The work is a hasty

and unrevised production of its author’s earlier days of literary labor;

and, beyond the scenes already known, scarcely calculated to enhance his

reputation. As a specimen, however, of the parts unpublished, the

following fragment from the first scene of Act II. may be offered. The

Duke, it should be premised, is uncle to Alessandra, and father of

Castiglione her betrothed.

Duke. Why do you laugh?

Castiglione. Indeed

I hardly know myself. Stay! Was it not

On yesterday we were speaking of the Earl?

Of the Earl Politian? Yes! it was yesterday.

Alessandra, you and 1, you must remember!

We were walking in the garden.

Duke, Perfectly.

I do remember it-what of it-what then?

Cas. 0 nothing-nothing at all.

Duke. Nothing at all!

It is most singular that you should laugh

‘At nothing at all!

Cas. Most singular-singular!

Duke. Look you, Castiglione, be so kind

As tell me, sir, at once what ’tis you mean.

What are you talking of?

Cas. Was it not so?

We differed in opinion touching him.

Duke. Him!—Whom?

Cas. Why, sir, the Earl Politian.

Duke. The Earl of Leicester! Yes!—is it he you mean?

We differed, indeed. If I now recollect

The words you used were that the Earl you knew

Was neither learned nor mirthful.

Cas. Ha! ha!—now did I?

Duke. That did you, sir, and well I knew at the time

You were wrong, it being not the character

Of the Earl-whom all the world allows to be

A most hilarious man. Be not, my son,

Too positive again.

Cas. ’Tis singular!

Most singular! I could not think it possible

So little time could so much alter one!

To say the truth about an hour ago,

As I was walking with the Count San Ozzo,

All arm in arm, we met this very man

The Earl-he, with his friend Baldazzar,

Having just arrived in Rome. Hal ha! he is altered!

Such an account he gave me of his journey!

’Twould have made you die with laughter-such tales he told

Of his caprices and his merry freaks

Along the road-such oddity-such humor—

Such wit-such whim-such flashes of wild merriment

Set off too in such full relief by the grave

Demeanor of his friend-who, to speak the truth,

Was gravity itself—

Duke. Did I not tell you?

Cas. You did-and yet ’tis strange! but true as strange,

How much I was mistaken! I always thought

The Earl a gloomy man.

Duke. So, so, you see! Be not too positive. Whom have we here?

It can not be the Earl?

Cas. The Earl! Oh, no! ’Tis not the Earl-but yet it is-and leaning

Upon his friend Baldazzar. AM welcome, sir!

(Enter Politian and Baldazzar.)

My lord, a second welcome let me give you

To Rome-his Grace the Duke of Broglio.

Father! this is the Earl Politian, Earl

Of Leicester in Great Britain. [Politian bows haughtily.]

That, his friend

Baldazzar, Duke of Surrey. The Earl has letters,

So please you, for Your Grace.

Duke. Hal ha! Most welcome

To Rome and to our palace, Earl Politian!

And you, most noble Duke! I am glad to see you!

I knew your father well, my Lord Politian.

Castiglione! call your cousin hither,

And let me make the noble Earl acquainted

With your betrothed. You come, sir, at a time

Most seasonable. The wedding—

Politian. Touching those letters, sir,

Your son made mention of—your son, is he not?

Touching those letters, sir, I wot not of them.

If such there be, my friend Baldazzar here—

Baldazzar! ah!—my friend Baldazzar here

Will hand them to Your Grace. I would retire.

Duke. Retire!—So soon?

Came What ho! Benito! Rupert!

His lordship’s chambers-show his lordship to them!

His lordship is unwell. (Enter Benito.)

Ben. This way, my lord! (Exit, followed by Politian.)

Duke. Retire! Unwell!

Bal. So please you, sir. I fear me

’Tis as you say—his lordship is unwell.

The damp air of the evening-the fatigue

Of a long journey—the—indeed I had better

Follow his lordship. He must be unwell.

I will return anon.

Duke. Return anon!

Now this is very strange! Castiglione!

This way, my son, I wish to speak with thee.

You surely were mistaken in what you said

Of the Earl, mirthful, indeed!—which of us said

Politian was a melancholy man? (Exeunt.)

POEMS OF YOUTH

INTRODUCTION TO POEMS—1831

_LETTER TO MR. B—._

“WEST POINT, 1831.

“Dear B......... Believing only a portion of my former volume to be worthy

a second edition-that small portion I thought it as well to include in the

present book as to republish by itself. I have therefore herein combined

‘Al Aaraaf’ and ‘Tamerlane’ with other poems hitherto unprinted. Nor have

I hesitated to insert from the ‘Minor Poems,’ now omitted, whole lines,

and even passages, to the end that being placed in a fairer light, and the

trash shaken from them in which they were imbedded, they may have some

chance of being seen by posterity.

“It has been said that a good critique on a poem may be written by one who

is no poet himself. This, according to your idea and _mine _of

poetry, I feel to be false-the less poetical the critic, the less just the

critique, and the converse. On this account, and because there are but few

B-’s in the world, I would be as much ashamed of the world’s good opinion

as proud of your own. Another than yourself might here observe,

‘Shakespeare is in possession of the world’s good opinion, and yet

Shakespeare is the greatest of poets. It appears then that the world judge

correctly, why should you be ashamed of their favorable judgment?’ The

difficulty lies in the interpretation of the word ‘judgment’ or ‘opinion.’

The opinion is the world’s, truly, but it may be called theirs as a man

would call a book his, having bought it; he did not write the book, but it

is his; they did not originate the opinion, but it is theirs. A fool, for

example, thinks Shakespeare a great poet-yet the fool has never read

Shakespeare. But the fool’s neighbor, who is a step higher on the Andes of

the mind, whose head (that is to say, his more exalted thought) is too far

above the fool to be seen or understood, but whose feet (by which I mean

his everyday actions) are sufficiently near to be discerned, and by means

of which that superiority is ascertained, which but for them would never

have been discovered-this neighbor asserts that Shakespeare is a great

poet—the fool believes him, and it is henceforward his _opinion.

_This neighbor’s own opinion has, in like manner, been adopted from one

above him, and so, ascendingly, to a few gifted individuals who kneel

around the summit, beholding, face to face, the master spirit who stands

upon the pinnacle.

“You are aware of the great barrier in the path of an American writer. He

is read, if at all, in preference to the combined and established wit of

the world. I say established; for it is with literature as with law or

empire-an established name is an estate in tenure, or a throne in

possession. Besides, one might suppose that books, like their authors,

improve by travel-their having crossed the sea is, with us, so great a

distinction. Our antiquaries abandon time for distance; our very fops

glance from the binding to the bottom of the title-page, where the mystic

characters which spell London, Paris, or Genoa, are precisely so many

letters of recommendation.

“I mentioned just now a vulgar error as regards criticism. I think the

notion that no poet can form a correct estimate of his own writings is

another. I remarked before that in proportion to the poetical talent would

be the justice of a critique upon poetry. Therefore a bad poet would, I

grant, make a false critique, and his self-love would infallibly bias his

little judgment in his favor; but a poet, who is indeed a poet, could not,

I think, fail of making-a just critique; whatever should be deducted on

the score of self-love might be replaced on account of his intimate

acquaintance with the subject; in short, we have more instances of false

criticism than of just where one’s own writings are the test, simply

because we have more bad poets than good. There are, of course, many

objections to what I say: Milton is a great example of the contrary; but

his opinion with respect to the ‘Paradise Regained’ is by no means fairly

ascertained. By what trivial circumstances men are often led to assert

what they do not really believe! Perhaps an inadvertent word has descended

to posterity. But, in fact, the ‘Paradise Regained’ is little, if at all,

inferior to the ‘Paradise Lost,’ and is only supposed so to be because men

do not like epics, whatever they may say to the contrary, and, reading

those of Milton in their natural order, are too much wearied with the

first to derive any pleasure from the second.

“I dare say Milton preferred ‘Comus’ to either-. if so-justly.

“As I am speaking of poetry, it will not be amiss to touch slightly upon

the most singular heresy in its modern history-the heresy of what is

called, very foolishly, the Lake School. Some years ago I might have been

induced, by an occasion like the present, to attempt a formal refutation

of their doctrine; at present it would be a work of supererogation. The

wise must bow to the wisdom of such men as Coleridge and Southey, but,

being wise, have laughed at poetical theories so prosaically exemplifled.

“Aristotle, with singular assurance, has declared poetry the most

philosophical of all writings*-but it required a Wordsworth to pronounce

it the most metaphysical. He seems to think that the end of poetry is, or

should be, instruction; yet it is a truism that the end of our existence

is happiness; if so, the end of every separate part of our existence,

everything connected with our existence, should be still happiness.

Therefore the end of instruction should be happiness; and happiness is

another name for pleasure;-therefore the end of instruction should be

pleasure: yet we see the above-mentioned opinion implies precisely the

reverse.

“To proceed: _ceteris paribus,_ he who pleases is of more importance

to his fellow-men than he who instructs, since utility is happiness, and

pleasure is the end already obtained which instruction is merely the means

of obtaining.

“I see no reason, then, why our metaphysical poets should plume themselves

so much on the utility of their works, unless indeed they refer to

instruction with eternity in view; in which case, sincere respect for

their piety would not allow me to express my contempt for their judgment;

contempt which it would be difficult to conceal, since their writings are

professedly to be understood by the few, and it is the many who stand in

need of salvation. In such case I should no doubt be tempted to think of

the devil in ‘Melmoth.’ who labors indefatigably, through three octavo

volumes, to accomplish the destruction of one or two souls, while any

common devil would have demolished one or two thousand.

“Against the subtleties which would make poetry a study-not a passion-it

becomes the metaphysician to reason-but the poet to protest.

Yet Wordsworth and Coleridge are men in years; the one imbued in

contemplation from his childhood; the other a giant in intellect and

learning. The diffidence, then, with which I venture to dispute their

authority would be overwhelming did I not feel, from the bottom of my

heart, that learning has little to do with the imagination-intellect

with the passions-or age with poetry.

“‘Trifles, like straws, upon the surface flow;

He who would search for pearls must dive below,’

are lines which have done much mischief. As regards the greater truths,

men oftener err by seeking them at the bottom than at the top; Truth lies

in the huge abysses where wisdom is sought-not in the palpable palaces

where she is found. The ancients were not always right in hiding—the

goddess in a well; witness the light which Bacon has thrown upon

philosophy; witness the principles of our divine faith—that moral

mechanism by which the simplicity of a child may overbalance the wisdom of

a man.

“We see an instance of Coleridge’s liability to err, in his ‘Biographia

Literaria’—professedly his literary life and opinions, but, in fact,

a treatise _de omni scibili et quibusdam aliis. _He goes wrong by

reason of his very profundity, and of his error we have a natural type in

the contemplation of a star. He who regards it directly and intensely

sees, it is true, the star, but it is the star without a ray-while he who

surveys it less inquisitively is conscious of all for which the star is

useful to us below-its brilliancy and its beauty.

“As to Wordsworth, I have no faith in him. That he had in youth the

feelings of a poet I believe-for there are glimpses of extreme delicacy in

his writings-(and delicacy is the poet’s own kingdom-his _El Dorado)-but

they _have the appearance of a better day recollected; and glimpses, at

best, are little evidence of present poetic fire; we know that a few

straggling flowers spring up daily in the crevices of the glacier.

“He was to blame in wearing away his youth in contemplation with the end

of poetizing in his manhood. With the increase of his judgment the light

which should make it apparent has faded away. His judgment consequently is

too correct. This may not be understood-but the old Goths of Germany would

have understood it, who used to debate matters of importance to their

State twice, once when drunk, and once when sober-sober that they might

not be deficient in formality—drunk lest they should be destitute of

vigor.

“The long wordy discussions by which he tries to reason us into admiration

of his poetry, speak very little in his favor: they are full of such

assertions as this (I have opened one of his volumes at random)—‘Of

genius the only proof is the act of doing well what is worthy to be done,

and what was never done before;’-indeed? then it follows that in doing

what is unworthy to be done, or what _has _been done before, no

genius can be evinced; yet the picking of pockets is an unworthy act,

pockets have been picked time immemorial, and Barrington, the pickpocket,

in point of genius, would have thought hard of a comparison with William

Wordsworth, the poet.

“Again, in estimating the merit of certain poems, whether they be Ossian’s

or Macpherson’s can surely be of little consequence, yet, in order to

prove their worthlessness, Mr. W. has expended many pages in the

controversy. _Tantaene animis? _Can great minds descend to such

absurdity? But worse still: that he may bear down every argument in favor

of these poems, he triumphantly drags forward a passage, in his

abomination with which he expects the reader to sympathize. It is the

beginning of the epic poem ‘Temora.’ ‘The blue waves of Ullin roll in

light; the green hills are covered with day; trees shake their dusty heads

in the breeze.’ And this this gorgeous, yet simple imagery, where all is

alive and panting with immortality-this, William Wordsworth, the author of

‘Peter Bell,’ has _selected _for his contempt. We shall see what

better he, in his own person, has to offer. Imprimis:

“‘And now she’s at the pony’s tail,

And now she’s at the pony’s head,

On that side now, and now on this;

And, almost stifled with her bliss,

A few sad tears does Betty shed....

She pats the pony, where or when

She knows not.... happy Betty Foy!

Oh, Johnny, never mind the doctor!’

Secondly:

“‘The dew was falling fast, the-stars began to blink;

I heard a voice: it said-“Drink, pretty creature, drink!”

And, looking o’er the hedge, be-fore me I espied

A snow-white mountain lamb, with a-maiden at its side.

No other sheep was near,—the lamb was all alone,

And by a slender cord was-tether’d to a stone.’

“Now, we have no doubt this is all true: we will believe it, indeed we

will, Mr. W. Is it sympathy for the sheep you wish to excite? I love a

sheep from the bottom of my heart.

“But there are occasions, dear B-, there are occasions when even

Wordsworth is reasonable. Even Stamboul, it is said, shall have an end,

and the most unlucky blunders must come to a conclusion. Here is an

extract from his preface:-

“‘Those who have been accustomed to the phraseology of modem writers, if

they persist in reading this book to a conclusion _(impossible!) will,

_no doubt, have to struggle with feelings of awkwardness; (ha! ha! ha!)

they will look round for poetry (ha! ha! ha! ha!), and will be induced to

inquire by what species of courtesy these attempts have been permitted to

assume that title.’ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

“Yet, let not Mr. W. despair; he has given immortality to a wagon, and the

bee Sophocles has transmitted to eternity a sore toe, and dignified a

tragedy with a chorus of turkeys.

“Of Coleridge, I can not speak but with reverence. His towering intellect!

his gigantic power! To use an author quoted by himself, _‘Tai trouvé

souvent que la plupart des sectes ont raison dans une bonne partie de ce

qu’elles avancent, mais non pas en ce qu’elles nient,’ and _to employ

his own language, he has imprisoned his own conceptions by the barrier he

has erected against those of others. It is lamentable to think that such a

mind should be buried in metaphysics, and, like the Nyctanthes, waste its

perfume upon the night alone. In reading that man’s poetry, I tremble like

one who stands upon a volcano, conscious from the very darkness bursting

from the crater, of the fire and the light that are weltering below.

“What is poetry?—Poetry! that Proteus-like idea, with as many

appellations as the nine-titled Corcyra! ‘Give me,’ I demanded of a

scholar some time ago, ‘give me a definition of poetry.’ _‘Trèsvolontiers;’

_and he proceeded to his library, brought me a Dr. Johnson, and

overwhelmed me with a definition. Shade of the immortal Shakespeare! I

imagine to myself the scowl of your spiritual eye upon the profanity of

that scurrilous Ursa Major. Think of poetry, dear B-, think of poetry, and

then think of Dr. Samuel Johnson! Think of all that is airy and

fairy-like, and then of all that is hideous and unwieldy; think of his

huge bulk, the Elephant! and then-and then think of the ‘Tempest’—the

‘Midsummer-Night’s Dream’—Prospero Oberon—and Titania!

“A poem, in my opinion, is opposed to a work of science by having, for its

_immediate _object, pleasure, not truth; to romance, by having, for

its object, an _indefinite _instead of a _definite _pleasure,

being a poem only so far as this object is attained; romance presenting

perceptible images with definite, poetry with indefinite sensations, to

which end music is an _essential, since _the comprehension of sweet

sound is our most indefinite conception. Music, when combined with a

pleasurable idea, is poetry; music, without the idea, is simply music; the

idea, wi thout the music, is prose, from its very definitiveness.

“What was meant by the invective against him who had no music in his soul?

“To sum up this long rigmarole, I have, dear B—, what you, no doubt,

perceive, for the metaphysical poets as poets, the most sovereign

contempt. That they have followers proves nothing-

“‘No Indian prince has to his palace

More followers than a thief to the gallows.

SONNET—TO SCIENCE

Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!

Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.

Why preyest thou thus upon the poet’s heart,

Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?

How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise,

Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering

To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies

Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?

Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?

And driven the Hamadryad from the wood

To seek a shelter in some happier star?

Hast thous not torn the Naiad from her flood,

The Elfin from the green grass, and from me

The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

AL AARAAF (*)

PART I.

O! nothing earthly save the ray

(Thrown back from flowers) of Beauty’s eye,

As in those gardens where the day

Springs from the gems of Circassy—

O! nothing earthly save the thrill

Of melody in woodland rill—

Or (music of the passion-hearted)

Joy’s voice so peacefully departed

That like the murmur in the shell,

Its echo dwelleth and will dwell—

Oh, nothing of the dross of ours—

Yet all the beauty—all the flowers

That list our Love, and deck our bowers—

Adorn yon world afar, afar—

The wandering star.

’Twas a sweet time for Nesace—for there

Her world lay lolling on the golden air,

Near four bright suns—a temporary rest—

An oasis in desert of the blest.

* A star was discovered by Tycho Brahe which appeared

suddenly in the heavens—attained, in a few days, a

brilliancy surpassing that of Jupiter—then as suddenly

disappeared, and has never been seen since.

Away—away—‘mid seas of rays that roll

Empyrean splendor o’er th’ unchained soul—

The soul that scarce (the billows are so dense)

Can struggle to its destin’d eminence—

To distant spheres, from time to time, she rode,

And late to ours, the favour’d one of God—

But, now, the ruler of an anchor’d realm,

She throws aside the sceptre—leaves the helm,

And, amid incense and high spiritual hymns,

Laves in quadruple light her angel limbs.

Now happiest, loveliest in yon lovely Earth,

Whence sprang the “Idea of Beauty” into birth,

(Falling in wreaths thro’ many a startled star,

Like woman’s hair ‘mid pearls, until, afar,

It lit on hills Achaian, and there dwelt)

She look’d into Infinity—and knelt.

Rich clouds, for canopies, about her curled—

Fit emblems of the model of her world—

Seen but in beauty—not impeding sight

Of other beauty glittering thro’ the light—

A wreath that twined each starry form around,

And all the opal’d air in color bound.

All hurriedly she knelt upon a bed

Of flowers: of lilies such as rear’d the head

*On the fair Capo Deucato, and sprang

So eagerly around about to hang

Upon the flying footsteps of—deep pride—

**Of her who lov’d a mortal—and so died.

The Sephalica, budding with young bees,

Uprear’d its purple stem around her knees:

* On Santa Maura—olim Deucadia.

**And gemmy flower, of Trebizond misnam’d—

Inmate of highest stars, where erst it sham’d

All other loveliness: its honied dew

(The fabled nectar that the heathen knew)

Deliriously sweet, was dropp’d from Heaven,

And fell on gardens of the unforgiven

In Trebizond—and on a sunny flower

So like its own above that, to this hour,

It still remaineth, torturing the bee

With madness, and unwonted reverie:

In Heaven, and all its environs, the leaf

And blossom of the fairy plant, in grief

Disconsolate linger—grief that hangs her head,

Repenting follies that full long have fled,

Heaving her white breast to the balmy air,

Like guilty beauty, chasten’d, and more fair:

Nyctanthes too, as sacred as the light

She fears to perfume, perfuming the night:

**And Clytia pondering between many a sun,

While pettish tears adown her petals run:

***And that aspiring flower that sprang on Earth—

And died, ere scarce exalted into birth,

Bursting its odorous heart in spirit to wing

Its way to Heaven, from garden of a king:

* This flower is much noticed by Lewenhoeck and Tournefort.

The bee, feeding upon its blossom, becomes intoxicated.

** Clytia—The Chrysanthemum Peruvianum, or, to employ a

better-known term, the turnsol—which continually turns

towards the sun, covers itself, like Peru, the country from

which it comes, with dewy clouds which cool and refresh its

flowers during the most violent heat of the day.—_B. de St.

Pierre_.

*** There is cultivated in the king’s garden at Paris, a

species of serpentine aloes without prickles, whose large

and beautiful flower exhales a strong odour of the vanilla,

during the time of its expansion, which is very short. It

does not blow till towards the month of July—you then

perceive it gradually open its petals—expand them—fade

and die.—_St. Pierre_.

*And Valisnerian lotus thither flown

From struggling with the waters of the Rhone:

**And thy most lovely purple perfume, Zante!

Isola d’oro!—Fior di Levante!

***And the Nelumbo bud that floats for ever

With Indian Cupid down the holy river—

Fair flowers, and fairy! to whose care is given

****To bear the Goddess’ song, in odors, up to Heaven:

“Spirit! that dwellest where,

In the deep sky,

The terrible and fair,

In beauty vie!

Beyond the line of blue—

The boundary of the star

Which turneth at the view

Of thy barrier and thy bar—

Of the barrier overgone

By the comets who were cast

From their pride, and from their throne

To be drudges till the last—

To be carriers of fire

(The red fire of their heart)

With speed that may not tire

And with pain that shall not part—

* There is found, in the Rhone, a beautiful lily of the

Valisnerian kind. Its stem will stretch to the length of

three or four feet—thus preserving its head above water

in the swellings of the river.

** The Hyacinth.

*** It is a fiction of the Indians, that Cupid was first

seen floating in one of these down the river Ganges—and

that he still loves the cradle of his childhood.

**** And golden vials full of odors which are the prayers of the saints.

—Rev. St. John.

Who livest—_that_ we know—

In Eternity—we feel—

But the shadow of whose brow

What spirit shall reveal?

Tho’ the beings whom thy Nesace,

Thy messenger hath known

Have dream’d for thy Infinity

*A model of their own—

Thy will is done, Oh, God!

The star hath ridden high

Thro’ many a tempest, but she rode

Beneath thy burning eye;

And here, in thought, to thee—

In thought that can alone

Ascend thy empire and so be

A partner of thy throne—

* The Humanitarians held that God was to be understood as

having a really human form.—_Vide Clarke’s Sermons_, vol.

1, page 26, fol. edit.

The drift of Milton’s argument, leads him to employ language

which would appear, at first sight, to verge upon their

doctrine; but it will be seen immediately, that he guards

himself against the charge of having adopted one of the most

ignorant errors of the dark ages of the church.—_Dr.

Sumner’s Notes on Milton’s Christian Doctrine_.

This opinion, in spite of many testimonies to the contrary,

could never have been very general. Andeus, a Syrian of

Mesopotamia, was condemned for the opinion, as heretical. He

lived in the beginning of the fourth century. His disciples

were called Anthropmorphites.—_Vide Du Pin_.

Among Milton’s poems are these lines:—

Dicite sacrorum præsides nemorum Deæ, &c.

Quis ille primus cujus ex imagine

Natura solers finxit humanum genus?

Eternus, incorruptus, æquævus polo,

Unusque et universus exemplar Dei.—And afterwards,

Non cui profundum Cæcitas lumen dedit

Dircæus augur vidit hunc alto sinu, &c.

*By winged Fantasy,

My embassy is given,

Till secrecy shall knowledge be

In the environs of Heaven.”

She ceas’d—and buried then her burning cheek

Abash’d, amid the lilies there, to seek

A shelter from the fervour of His eye;

For the stars trembled at the Deity.

She stirr’d not—breath’d not—for a voice was there

How solemnly pervading the calm air!

A sound of silence on the startled ear

Which dreamy poets name “the music of the sphere.”

Ours is a world of words: Quiet we call

“Silence”—which is the merest word of all.

All Nature speaks, and ev’n ideal things

Flap shadowy sounds from visionary wings—

But ah! not so when, thus, in realms on high

The eternal voice of God is passing by,

And the red winds are withering in the sky!

** “What tho’ in worlds which sightless cycles run,

Link’d to a little system, and one sun—

Where all my love is folly and the crowd

Still think my terrors but the thunder cloud,

The storm, the earthquake, and the ocean-wrath—

(Ah! will they cross me in my angrier path?)

What tho’ in worlds which own a single sun

The sands of Time grow dimmer as they run,

* Seltsamen Tochter Jovis

Seinem Schosskinde

Der Phantasie.—_Göethe_.

** Sightless—too small to be seen—_Legge_.

Yet thine is my resplendency, so given

To bear my secrets thro’ the upper Heaven.

Leave tenantless thy crystal home, and fly,

With all thy train, athwart the moony sky—

*Apart—like fire-flies in Sicilian night,

And wing to other worlds another light!

Divulge the secrets of thy embassy

To the proud orbs that twinkle—and so be

To ev’ry heart a barrier and a ban

Lest the stars totter in the guilt of man!”

Up rose the maiden in the yellow night,

The single-mooned eve!—on Earth we plight

Our faith to one love—and one moon adore—

The birth-place of young Beauty had no more.

As sprang that yellow star from downy hours

Up rose the maiden from her shrine of flowers,

And bent o’er sheeny mountain and dim plain

**Her way—but left not yet her Therasæan reign.

* I have often noticed a peculiar movement of the fire-flies;

—they will collect in a body and fly off, from a common

centre, into innumerable radii.

** Therasæa, or Therasea, the island mentioned by Seneca,

which, in a moment, arose from the sea to the eyes of

astonished mariners.

Part II.

HIGH on a mountain of enamell’d head—

Such as the drowsy shepherd on his bed

Of giant pasturage lying at his ease,

Raising his heavy eyelid, starts and sees

With many a mutter’d “hope to be forgiven”

What time the moon is quadrated in Heaven—

Of rosy head, that towering far away

Into the sunlit ether, caught the ray

Of sunken suns at eve—at noon of night,

While the moon danc’d with the fair stranger light—

Uprear’d upon such height arose a pile

Of gorgeous columns on th’ unburthen’d air,

Flashing from Parian marble that twin smile

Far down upon the wave that sparkled there,

And nursled the young mountain in its lair.

*Of molten stars their pavement, such as fall

Thro’ the ebon air, besilvering the pall

Of their own dissolution, while they die—

Adorning then the dwellings of the sky.

A dome, by linked light from Heaven let down,

Sat gently on these columns as a crown—

A window of one circular diamond, there,

Look’d out above into the purple air,

* Some star which, from the ruin’d roof Of shak’d Olympus,

by mischance, did fall.—_Milton._

And rays from God shot down that meteor chain

And hallow’d all the beauty twice again,

Save when, between th’ Empyrean and that ring,

Some eager spirit flapp’d his dusky wing.

But on the pillars Seraph eyes have seen

The dimness of this world: that greyish green

That Nature loves the best for Beauty’s grave

Lurk’d in each cornice, round each architrave—

And every sculptur’d cherub thereabout

That from his marble dwelling peeréd out

Seem’d earthly in the shadow of his niche—

Achaian statues in a world so rich?

*Friezes from Tadmor and Persepolis—

From Balbec, and the stilly, clear abyss

**Of beautiful Gomorrah! O, the wave

Is now upon thee—but too late to save!

Sound loves to revel in a summer night:

Witness the murmur of the grey twilight

* Voltaire, in speaking of Persepolis, says, “Je connois

bien l’admiration qu’inspirent ces ruines—mais un palais

erigé au pied d’une chaine des rochers sterils—peut il

être un chef d’oevure des arts!” [_Voila les arguments de M.

Voltaire_.]

** “Oh! the wave”—Ula Degusi is the Turkish appellation;

but, on its own shores, it is called Bahar Loth, or

Almotanah. There were undoubtedly more than two cities

engluphed in the “dead sea.” In the valley of Siddim were

five—Adrah, Zeboin, Zoar, Sodom and Gomorrah. Stephen of

Byzantium mentions eight, and Strabo thirteeen, (engulphed)

—but the last is out of all reason.

It is said, (Tacitus, Strabo, Josephus, Daniel of St. Saba, Nau,

Maundrell, Troilo, D’Arvieux) that after an excessive drought, the

vestiges of columns, walls, &c. are seen above the surface. At _any_

season, such remains may be discovered by looking down into the

transparent lake, and at such distances as would argue the existence of

many settlements in the space now usurped by the ‘Asphaltites.’

*That stole upon the ear, in Eyraco,

Of many a wild star-gazer long ago—

That stealeth ever on the ear of him

Who, musing, gazeth on the distance dim.

And sees the darkness coming as a cloud—

***Is not its form—its voice—most palpable and loud?

But what is this?—it cometh—and it brings

A music with it—’tis the rush of wings—

A pause—and then a sweeping, falling strain

And Nesace is in her halls again.

From the wild energy of wanton haste

Her cheeks were flushing, and her lips apart;

And zone that clung around her gentle waist

Had burst beneath the heaving of her heart.

Within the centre of that hall to breathe

She paus’d and panted, Zanthe! all beneath,

The fairy light that kiss’d her golden hair

And long’d to rest, yet could but sparkle there!

***Young flowers were whispering in melody

To happy flowers that night—and tree to tree;

Fountains were gushing music as they fell

In many a star-lit grove, or moon-lit dell;

Yet silence came upon material things—

Fair flowers, bright waterfalls and angel wings—

And sound alone that from the spirit sprang

Bore burthen to the charm the maiden sang:

* Eyraco—Chaldea.

** I have often thought I could distinctly hear the sound of

the darkness as it stole over the horizon.

*** Fairies use flowers for their charactery.—_Merry Wives

of Windsor_. [William Shakespeare]

“’Neath blue-bell or streamer—

Or tufted wild spray

That keeps, from the dreamer,

*The moonbeam away—

Bright beings! that ponder,

With half closing eyes,

On the stars which your wonder

Hath drawn from the skies,

Till they glance thro’ the shade, and

Come down to your brow

Like—eyes of the maiden

Who calls on you now—

Arise! from your dreaming

In violet bowers,

To duty beseeming

These star-litten hours—

And shake from your tresses

Encumber’d with dew

The breath of those kisses

That cumber them too—

(O! how, without you, Love!

Could angels be blest?)

Those kisses of true love

That lull’d ye to rest!

Up!—shake from your wing

Each hindering thing:

The dew of the night—

It would weigh down your flight;

And true love caresses—

O! leave them apart!

* In Scripture is this passage—“The sun shall not harm

thee by day, nor the moon by night.” It is perhaps not

generally known that the moon, in Egypt, has the effect of

producing blindness to those who sleep with the face exposed

to its rays, to which circumstance the passage evidently

alludes.

They are light on the tresses,

But lead on the heart.

Ligeia! Ligeia!

My beautiful one!

Whose harshest idea

Will to melody run,

O! is it thy will

On the breezes to toss?

Or, capriciously still,

*Like the lone Albatross,

Incumbent on night

(As she on the air)

To keep watch with delight

On the harmony there?

Ligeia! whatever

Thy image may be,

No magic shall sever

Thy music from thee.

Thou hast bound many eyes

In a dreamy sleep—

But the strains still arise

Which _thy_ vigilance keep—

The sound of the rain

Which leaps down to the flower,

And dances again

In the rhythm of the shower—

**The murmur that springs

From the growing of grass

* The Albatross is said to sleep on the wing.

** I met with this idea in an old English tale, which I am

now unable to obtain and quote from memory:—“The verie

essence and, as it were, springe-heade, and origine of all

musiche is the verie pleasaunte sounde which the trees of

the forest do make when they growe.”

Are the music of things—

But are modell’d, alas!—

Away, then my dearest,

O! hie thee away

To springs that lie clearest

Beneath the moon-ray—

To lone lake that smiles,

In its dream of deep rest,

At the many star-isles

That enjewel its breast—

Where wild flowers, creeping,

Have mingled their shade,

On its margin is sleeping

Full many a maid—

Some have left the cool glade, and

* Have slept with the bee—

Arouse them my maiden,

On moorland and lea—

Go! breathe on their slumber,

All softly in ear,

The musical number

They slumber’d to hear—

For what can awaken

An angel so soon

* The wild bee will not sleep in the shade if there be

moonlight. The rhyme in this verse, as in one about sixty

lines before, has an appearance of affectation. It is,

however, imitated from Sir W. Scott, or rather from Claud

Halcro—in whose mouth I admired its effect:

O! were there an island,

Tho’ ever so wild

Where woman might smile, and

No man be beguil’d, &c.

Whose sleep hath been taken

Beneath the cold moon,

As the spell which no slumber

Of witchery may test,

The rythmical number

Which lull’d him to rest?”

Spirits in wing, and angels to the view,

A thousand seraphs burst th’ Empyrean thro’,

Young dreams still hovering on their drowsy flight—

Seraphs in all but “Knowledge,” the keen light

That fell, refracted, thro’ thy bounds, afar

O Death! from eye of God upon that star:

Sweet was that error—sweeter still that death—

Sweet was that error—ev’n with _us_ the breath

Of science dims the mirror of our joy—

To them ’twere the Simoom, and would destroy—

For what (to them) availeth it to know

That Truth is Falsehood—or that Bliss is Woe?

Sweet was their death—with them to die was rife

With the last ecstacy of satiate life—

Beyond that death no immortality—

But sleep that pondereth and is not “to be”—

And there—oh! may my weary spirit dwell—

*Apart from Heaven’s Eternity—and yet how far from Hell!

* With the Arabians there is a medium between Heaven and

Hell, where men suffer no punishment, but yet do not attain

that tranquil and even happiness which they suppose to be

characteristic of heavenly enjoyment.

Un no rompido sueno—

Un dia puro—allegre—libre

Quiera—

Libre de amor—de zelo—

De odio—de esperanza—de rezelo.—_Luis Ponce de Leon_.

Sorrow is not excluded from “Al Aaraaf,” but it is that

sorrow which the living love to cherish for the dead, and

which, in some minds, resembles the delirium of opium. The

passionate excitement of Love and the buoyancy of spirit

attendant upon intoxication are its less holy pleasures—

the price of which, to those souls who make choice of “Al

Aaraaf” as their residence after life, is final death and

annihilation.

What guilty spirit, in what shrubbery dim,

Heard not the stirring summons of that hymn?

But two: they fell: for Heaven no grace imparts

To those who hear not for their beating hearts.

A maiden-angel and her seraph-lover—

O! where (and ye may seek the wide skies over)

Was Love, the blind, near sober Duty known?

*Unguided Love hath fallen—‘mid “tears of perfect moan.”

He was a goodly spirit—he who fell:

A wanderer by moss-y-mantled well—

A gazer on the lights that shine above—

A dreamer in the moonbeam by his love:

What wonder? For each star is eye-like there,

And looks so sweetly down on Beauty’s hair—

And they, and ev’ry mossy spring were holy

To his love-haunted heart and melancholy.

The night had found (to him a night of wo)

Upon a mountain crag, young Angelo—

Beetling it bends athwart the solemn sky,

And scowls on starry worlds that down beneath it lie.

Here sate he with his love—his dark eye bent

With eagle gaze along the firmament:

Now turn’d it upon her—but ever then

It trembled to the orb of EARTH again.

“Iante, dearest, see! how dim that ray!

How lovely ’tis to look so far away!

* There be tears of perfect moan

Wept for thee in Helicon.—_Milton._

She seem’d not thus upon that autumn eve

I left her gorgeous halls—nor mourn’d to leave.

That eve—that eve—I should remember well—

The sun-ray dropp’d, in Lemnos, with a spell

On th’Arabesque carving of a gilded hall

Wherein I sate, and on the draperied wall—

And on my eye-lids—O the heavy light!

How drowsily it weigh’d them into night!

On flowers, before, and mist, and love they ran

With Persian Saadi in his Gulistan:

But O that light!—I slumber’d—Death, the while,

Stole o’er my senses in that lovely isle

So softly that no single silken hair

Awoke that slept—or knew that it was there.

The last spot of Earth’s orb I trod upon

*Was a proud temple call’d the Parthenon—

More beauty clung around her column’d wall

**Than ev’n thy glowing bosom beats withal,

And when old Time my wing did disenthral

Thence sprang I—as the eagle from his tower,

And years I left behind me in an hour.

What time upon her airy bounds I hung

One half the garden of her globe was flung

Unrolling as a chart unto my view—

Tenantless cities of the desert too!

Ianthe, beauty crowded on me then,

And half I wish’d to be again of men.”

“My Angelo! and why of them to be?

A brighter dwelling-place is here for thee—

* It was entire in 1687—the most elevated spot in Athens.

** Shadowing more beauty in their airy brows

Than have the white breasts of the Queen of Love.—_Marlowe._

And greener fields than in yon world above,

And women’s loveliness—and passionate love.”

“But, list, Ianthe! when the air so soft

*Fail’d, as my pennon’d spirit leapt aloft,

Perhaps my brain grew dizzy—but the world

I left so late was into chaos hurl’d—

Sprang from her station, on the winds apart,

And roll’d, a flame, the fiery Heaven athwart.

Methought, my sweet one, then I ceased to soar

And fell—not swiftly as I rose before,

But with a downward, tremulous motion thro’

Light, brazen rays, this golden star unto!

Nor long the measure of my falling hours,

For nearest of all stars was thine to ours—

Dread star! that came, amid a night of mirth,

A red Dædalion on the timid Earth.

“We came—and to thy Earth—but not to us

Be given our lady’s bidding to discuss:

We came, my love; around, above, below,

Gay fire-fly of the night we come and go,

Nor ask a reason save the angel-nod

She grants to us, as granted by her God—

But, Angelo, than thine grey Time unfurl’d

Never his fairy wing o’er fairier world!

Dim was its little disk, and angel eyes

Alone could see the phantom in the skies,

When first Al Aaraaf knew her course to be

Headlong thitherward o’er the starry sea—

But when its glory swell’d upon the sky,

As glowing Beauty’s bust beneath man’s eye,

* Pennon—for pinion.—_Milton_.

We paus’d before the heritage of men,

And thy star trembled—as doth Beauty then!”

Thus, in discourse, the lovers whiled away

The night that waned and waned and brought no day.

They fell: for Heaven to them no hope imparts

Who hear not for the beating of their hearts.

TAMERLANE

Kind solace in a dying hour!

Such, father, is not (now) my theme—

I will not madly deem that power

Of Earth may shrive me of the sin

Unearthly pride hath revell’d in—

I have no time to dote or dream:

You call it hope—that fire of fire!

It is but agony of desire:

If I _can_ hope—Oh God! I can—

Its fount is holier—more divine—

I would not call thee fool, old man,

But such is not a gift of thine.

Know thou the secret of a spirit

Bow’d from its wild pride into shame.

O! yearning heart! I did inherit

Thy withering portion with the fame,

The searing glory which hath shone

Amid the jewels of my throne,

Halo of Hell! and with a pain

Not Hell shall make me fear again—

O! craving heart, for the lost flowers

And sunshine of my summer hours!

Th’ undying voice of that dead time,

With its interminable chime,

Rings, in the spirit of a spell,

Upon thy emptiness—a knell.

I have not always been as now:

The fever’d diadem on my brow

I claim’d and won usurpingly—

Hath not the same fierce heirdom given

Rome to the Caesar—this to me?

The heritage of a kingly mind,

And a proud spirit which hath striven

Triumphantly with human kind.

On mountain soil I first drew life:

The mists of the Taglay have shed

Nightly their dews upon my head,

And, I believe, the winged strife

And tumult of the headlong air

Have nestled in my very hair.

So late from Heaven—that dew—it fell

(Mid dreams of an unholy night)

Upon me—with the touch of Hell,

While the red flashing of the light

From clouds that hung, like banners, o’er,

Appeared to my half-closing eye

The pageantry of monarchy,

And the deep trumpet-thunder’s roar

Came hurriedly upon me, telling

Of human battle, where my voice,

My own voice, silly child!—was swelling

(O! how my spirit would rejoice,

And leap within me at the cry)

The battle-cry of Victory!

The rain came down upon my head

Unshelter’d—and the heavy wind

Was giantlike—so thou, my mind!—

It was but man, I thought, who shed

Laurels upon me: and the rush—

The torrent of the chilly air

Gurgled within my ear the crush

Of empires—with the captive’s prayer—

The hum of suiters—and the tone

Of flattery ‘round a sovereign’s throne.

My passions, from that hapless hour,

Usurp’d a tyranny which men

Have deem’d, since I have reach’d to power;

My innate nature—be it so:

But, father, there liv’d one who, then,

Then—in my boyhood—when their fire

Burn’d with a still intenser glow,

(For passion must, with youth, expire)

E’en _then_ who knew this iron heart

In woman’s weakness had a part.

I have no words—alas!—to tell

The loveliness of loving well!

Nor would I now attempt to trace

The more than beauty of a face

Whose lineaments, upon my mind,

Are—shadows on th’ unstable wind:

Thus I remember having dwelt

Some page of early lore upon,

With loitering eye, till I have felt

The letters—with their meaning—melt

To fantasies—with none.

O, she was worthy of all love!

Love—as in infancy was mine—

’Twas such as angel minds above

Might envy; her young heart the shrine

On which my ev’ry hope and thought

Were incense—then a goodly gift,

For they were childish—and upright—

Pure—as her young example taught:

Why did I leave it, and, adrift,

Trust to the fire within, for light?

We grew in age—and love—together,

Roaming the forest, and the wild;

My breast her shield in wintry weather—

And, when the friendly sunshine smil’d,

And she would mark the opening skies,

_I_ saw no Heaven—but in her eyes.

Young Love’s first lesson is—the heart:

For ‘mid that sunshine, and those smiles,

When, from our little cares apart,

And laughing at her girlish wiles,

I’d throw me on her throbbing breast,

And pour my spirit out in tears—

There was no need to speak the rest—

No need to quiet any fears

Of her—who ask’d no reason why,

But turn’d on me her quiet eye!

Yet _more_ than worthy of the love

My spirit struggled with, and strove,

When, on the mountain peak, alone,

Ambition lent it a new tone—

I had no being—but in thee:

The world, and all it did contain

In the earth—the air—the sea—

Its joy—its little lot of pain

That was new pleasure—the ideal,

Dim, vanities of dreams by night—

And dimmer nothings which were real—

(Shadows—and a more shadowy light!)

Parted upon their misty wings,

And, so, confusedly, became

Thine image, and—a name—a name!

Two separate—yet most intimate things.

I was ambitious—have you known

The passion, father? You have not:

A cottager, I mark’d a throne

Of half the world as all my own,

And murmur’d at such lowly lot—

But, just like any other dream,

Upon the vapour of the dew

My own had past, did not the beam

Of beauty which did while it thro’

The minute—the hour—the day—oppress

My mind with double loveliness.

We walk’d together on the crown

Of a high mountain which look’d down

Afar from its proud natural towers

Of rock and forest, on the hills—

The dwindled hills! begirt with bowers

And shouting with a thousand rills.

I spoke to her of power and pride,

But mystically—in such guise

That she might deem it nought beside

The moment’s converse; in her eyes

I read, perhaps too carelessly—

A mingled feeling with my own—

The flush on her bright cheek, to me

Seem’d to become a queenly throne

Too well that I should let it be

Light in the wilderness alone.

I wrapp’d myself in grandeur then,

And donn’d a visionary crown—

Yet it was not that Fantasy

Had thrown her mantle over me—

But that, among the rabble—men,

Lion ambition is chain’d down—

And crouches to a keeper’s hand—

Not so in deserts where the grand

The wild—the terrible conspire

With their own breath to fan his fire.

Look ‘round thee now on Samarcand!—

Is not she queen of Earth? her pride

Above all cities? in her hand

Their destinies? in all beside

Of glory which the world hath known

Stands she not nobly and alone?

Falling—her veriest stepping-stone

Shall form the pedestal of a throne—

And who her sovereign? Timour—he

Whom the astonished people saw

Striding o’er empires haughtily

A diadem’d outlaw—

O! human love! thou spirit given,

On Earth, of all we hope in Heaven!

Which fall’st into the soul like rain

Upon the Siroc wither’d plain,

And failing in thy power to bless

But leav’st the heart a wilderness!

Idea! which bindest life around

With music of so strange a sound

And beauty of so wild a birth—

Farewell! for I have won the Earth!

When Hope, the eagle that tower’d, could see

No cliff beyond him in the sky,

His pinions were bent droopingly—

And homeward turn’d his soften’d eye.

’Twas sunset: when the sun will part

There comes a sullenness of heart

To him who still would look upon

The glory of the summer sun.

That soul will hate the ev’ning mist,

So often lovely, and will list

To the sound of the coming darkness (known

To those whose spirits hearken) as one

Who, in a dream of night, _would_ fly

But _cannot_ from a danger nigh.

What tho’ the moon—the white moon

Shed all the splendour of her noon,

Her smile is chilly—and her beam,

In that time of dreariness, will seem

(So like you gather in your breath)

A portrait taken after death.

And boyhood is a summer sun

Whose waning is the dreariest one—

For all we live to know is known,

And all we seek to keep hath flown—

Let life, then, as the day-flower, fall

With the noon-day beauty—which is all.

I reach’d my home—my home no more—

For all had flown who made it so—

I pass’d from out its mossy door,

And, tho’ my tread was soft and low,

A voice came from the threshold stone

Of one whom I had earlier known—

O! I defy thee, Hell, to show

On beds of fire that burn below,

A humbler heart—a deeper wo—

Father, I firmly do believe—

I _know_—for Death, who comes for me

From regions of the blest afar,

Where there is nothing to deceive,

Hath left his iron gate ajar,

And rays of truth you cannot see

Are flashing thro’ Eternity—

I do believe that Eblis hath

A snare in ev’ry human path—

Else how, when in the holy grove

I wandered of the idol, Love,

Who daily scents his snowy wings

With incense of burnt offerings

From the most unpolluted things,

Whose pleasant bowers are yet so riven

Above with trelliced rays from Heaven

No mote may shun—no tiniest fly

The light’ning of his eagle eye—

How was it that Ambition crept,

Unseen, amid the revels there,

Till growing bold, he laughed and leapt

In the tangles of Love’s very hair?

1829.

TO HELEN

Helen, thy beauty is to me

Like those Nicean barks of yore,

That gently, o’er a perfumed sea,

The weary way-worn wanderer bore

To his own native shore.

On desperate seas long wont to roam,

Thy hyacinth hair, thy classic face,

Thy Naiad airs have brought me home

To the glory that was Greece,

And the grandeur that was Rome.

Lo! in yon brilliant window-niche

How statue-like I me thee stand,

The agate lamp within thy hand!

Ah, Psyche, from the regions which

Are Holy-land!

1831.

THE VALLEY OF UNREST

_Once_ it smiled a silent dell

Where the people did not dwell;

They had gone unto the wars,

Trusting to the mild-eyed stars,

Nightly, from their azure towers,

To keep watch above the flowers,

In the midst of which all day

The red sun-light lazily lay.

_Now_ each visitor shall confess

The sad valley’s restlessness.

Nothing there is motionless—

Nothing save the airs that brood

Over the magic solitude.

Ah, by no wind are stirred those trees

That palpitate like the chill seas

Around the misty Hebrides!

Ah, by no wind those clouds are driven

That rustle through the unquiet Heaven

Uneasily, from morn till even,

Over the violets there that lie

In myriad types of the human eye—

Over the lilies there that wave

And weep above a nameless grave!

They wave:—from out their fragrant tops

Eternal dews come down in drops.

They weep:—from off their delicate stems

Perennial tears descend in gems.

1831.

ISRAFEL*

In Heaven a spirit doth dwell

“Whose heart-strings are a lute;”

None sing so wildly well

As the angel Israfel,

And the giddy stars (so legends tell)

Ceasing their hymns, attend the spell

Of his voice, all mute.

Tottering above

In her highest noon

The enamoured moon

Blushes with love,

While, to listen, the red levin

(With the rapid Pleiads, even,

Which were seven,)

Pauses in Heaven

And they say (the starry choir

And all the listening things)

That Israfeli’s fire

Is owing to that lyre

By which he sits and sings—

The trembling living wire

Of those unusual strings.

* And the angel Israfel, whose heart-strings are a lut, and

who has the sweetest voice of all God’s creatures.—KORAN.

But the skies that angel trod,

Where deep thoughts are a duty—

Where Love’s a grown up God—

Where the Houri glances are

Imbued with all the beauty

Which we worship in a star.

Therefore, thou art not wrong,

Israfeli, who despisest

An unimpassion’d song:

To thee the laurels belong

Best bard, because the wisest!

Merrily live, and long!

The extacies above

With thy burning measures suit—

Thy grief, thy joy, thy hate, thy love,

With the fervor of thy lute—

Well may the stars be mute!

Yes, Heaven is thine; but this

Is a world of sweets and sours;

Our flowers are merely—flowers,

And the shadow of thy perfect bliss

Is the sunshine of ours.

If I could dwell

Where Israfel

Hath dwelt, and he where I,

He might not sing so wildly well

A mortal melody,

While a bolder note than this might swell

From my lyre within the sky.

1836.

TO ——

1

The bowers whereat, in dreams, I see

The wantonest singing birds

Are lips—and all thy melody

Of lip-begotten words—

2

Thine eyes, in Heaven of heart enshrin’d

Then desolately fall,

O! God! on my funereal mind

Like starlight on a pall—

3

Thy heart—_thy_ heart!—I wake and sigh,

And sleep to dream till day

Of truth that gold can never buy—

Of the trifles that it may.

1829.

TO ——

I heed not that my earthly lot

Hath-little of Earth in it—

That years of love have been forgot

In the hatred of a minute:—

I mourn not that the desolate

Are happier, sweet, than I,

But that you sorrow for my fate

Who am a passer-by.

1829.

TO THE RIVER——

Fair river! in thy bright, clear flow

Of crystal, wandering water,

Thou art an emblem of the glow

Of beauty—the unhidden heart—

The playful maziness of art

In old Alberto’s daughter;

But when within thy wave she looks—

Which glistens then, and trembles—

Why, then, the prettiest of brooks

Her worshipper resembles;

For in my heart, as in thy stream,

Her image deeply lies—

His heart which trembles at the beam

Of her soul-searching eyes.

1829.

SONG

I saw thee on thy bridal day—

When a burning blush came o’er thee,

Though happiness around thee lay,

The world all love before thee:

And in thine eye a kindling light

(Whatever it might be)

Was all on Earth my aching sight

Of Loveliness could see.

That blush, perhaps, was maiden shame—

As such it well may pass—

Though its glow hath raised a fiercer flame

In the breast of him, alas!

Who saw thee on that bridal day,

When that deep blush _would_ come o’er thee,

Though happiness around thee lay,

The world all love before thee.

1827.

SPIRITS OF THE DEAD

1

Thy soul shall find itself alone

‘Mid dark thoughts of the grey tomb-stone—

Not one, of all the crowd, to pry

Into thine hour of secrecy:

2

Be silent in that solitude

Which is not loneliness—for then

The spirits of the dead who stood

In life before thee are again

In death around thee—and their will

Shall then overshadow thee: be still.

3

For the night—tho’ clear—shall frown—

And the stars shall look not down,

From their high thrones in the Heaven,

With light like Hope to mortals given—

But their red orbs, without beam,

To thy weariness shall seem

As a burning and a fever

Which would cling to thee for ever:

4

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish—

Now are visions ne’er to vanish—

From thy spirit shall they pass

No more—like dew-drop from the grass:

5

The breeze—the breath of God—is still—

And the mist upon the hill

Shadowy—shadowy—yet unbroken,

Is a symbol and a token—

How it hangs upon the trees,

A mystery of mysteries!—

1827.

A DREAM

In visions of the dark night

I have dreamed of joy departed—

But a waking dreams of life and light

Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day

To him whose eyes are cast

On things around him with a ray

Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream—that holy dream,

While all the world were chiding,

Hath cheered me as a lovely beam

A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light, thro’ storm and night,

So trembled from afar-

What could there be more purely bright

In Truths day-star?

1827.

ROMANCE

Romance, who loves to nod and sing,

With drowsy head and folded wing,

Among the green leaves as they shake

Far down within some shadowy lake,

To me a painted paroquet

Hath been—a most familiar bird—

Taught me my alphabet to say—

To lisp my very earliest word

While in the wild wood I did lie,

A child—with a most knowing eye.

Of late, eternal Condor years

So shake the very Heaven on high

With tumult as they thunder by,

I have no time for idle cares

Through gazing on the unquiet sky.

And when an hour with calmer wings

Its down upon thy spirit flings—

That little time with lyre and rhyme

To while away—forbidden things!

My heart would feel to be a crime

Unless it trembled with the strings.

1829.

FAIRY-LAND

Dim vales—and shadowy floods—

And cloudy-looking woods,

Whose forms we can’t discover

For the tears that drip all over

Huge moons there wax and wane—

Again—again—again—

Every moment of the night—

Forever changing places—

And they put out the star-light

With the breath from their pale faces.

About twelve by the moon-dial

One, more filmy than the rest

(A kind which, upon trial,

They have found to be the best)

Comes down—still down—and down

With its centre on the crown

Of a mountain’s eminence,

While its wide circumference

In easy drapery falls

Over hamlets, over halls,

Wherever they may be—

O’er the strange woods—o’er the sea—

Over spirits on the wing—

Over every drowsy thing—

And buries them up quite

In a labyrinth of light—

And then, how deep!—O, deep!

Is the passion of their sleep.

In the morning they arise,

And their moony covering

Is soaring in the skies,

With the tempests as they toss,

Like—almost any thing—

Or a yellow Albatross.

They use that moon no more

For the same end as before—

Videlicet a tent—

Which I think extravagant:

Its atomies, however,

Into a shower dissever,

Of which those butterflies,

Of Earth, who seek the skies,

And so come down again

(Never-contented things!)

Have brought a specimen

Upon their quivering wings.

1831.

THE LAKE —— TO——

In spring of youth it was my lot

To haunt of the wide earth a spot

The which I could not love the less—

So lovely was the loneliness

Of a wild lake, with black rock bound,

And the tall pines that tower’d around.

But when the Night had thrown her pall

Upon that spot, as upon all,

And the mystic wind went by

Murmuring in melody—

Then—ah then I would awake

To the terror of the lone lake.

Yet that terror was not fright,

But a tremulous delight—

A feeling not the jewelled mine

Could teach or bribe me to define—

Nor Love—although the Love were thine.

Death was in that poisonous wave,

And in its gulf a fitting grave

For him who thence could solace bring

To his lone imagining—

Whose solitary soul could make

An Eden of that dim lake.

1827.

EVENING STAR

’Twas noontide of summer,

And midtime of night,

And stars, in their orbits,

Shone pale, through the light

Of the brighter, cold moon.

‘Mid planets her slaves,

Herself in the Heavens,

Her beam on the waves.

I gazed awhile

On her cold smile;

Too cold-too cold for me—

There passed, as a shroud,

A fleecy cloud,

And I turned away to thee,

Proud Evening Star,

In thy glory afar

And dearer thy beam shall be;

For joy to my heart

Is the proud part

Thou bearest in Heaven at night.,

And more I admire

Thy distant fire,

Than that colder, lowly light.

1827.

“THE HAPPIEST DAY.”

I

The happiest day-the happiest hour

My seared and blighted heart hath known,

The highest hope of pride and power,

I feel hath flown.

Of power! said I? Yes! such I ween

But they have vanished long, alas!

The visions of my youth have been

But let them pass.

III

And pride, what have I now with thee?

Another brow may ev’n inherit

The venom thou hast poured on me

Be still my spirit!

IV

The happiest day-the happiest hour

Mine eyes shall see-have ever seen

The brightest glance of pride and power

I feet have been:

V

But were that hope of pride and power

Now offered with the pain

Ev’n _then I _felt-that brightest hour

I would not live again:

VI

For on its wing was dark alloy

And as it fluttered-fell

An essence-powerful to destroy

A soul that knew it well.

1827.

IMITATION

A dark unfathom’d tide

Of interminable pride—

A mystery, and a dream,

Should my early life seem;

I say that dream was fraught

With a wild, and waking thought

Of beings that have been,

Which my spirit hath not seen,

Had I let them pass me by,

With a dreaming eye!

Let none of earth inherit

That vision on my spirit;

Those thoughts I would control

As a spell upon his soul:

For that bright hope at last

And that light time have past,

And my worldly rest hath gone

With a sigh as it pass’d on

I care not tho’ it perish

With a thought I then did cherish.

1827.

HYMN TO ARISTOGEITON AND HARMODIUS

Translation from the Greek

I

Wreathed in myrtle, my sword I’ll conceal

Like those champions devoted and brave,

When they plunged in the tyrant their steel,

And to Athens deliverance gave.

II

Beloved heroes! your deathless souls roam

In the joy breathing isles of the blest;

Where the mighty of old have their home

Where Achilles and Diomed rest

III

In fresh myrtle my blade I’ll entwine,

Like Harmodius, the gallant and good,

When he made at the tutelar shrine

A libation of Tyranny’s blood.

IV

Ye deliverers of Athens from shame!

Ye avengers of Liberty’s wrongs!

Endless ages shall cherish your fame,

Embalmed in their echoing songs!

1827.

DREAMS

Oh! that my young life were a lasting dream!

My spirit not awak’ning, till the beam

Of an Eternity should bring the morrow:

Yes! tho’ that long dream were of hopeless sorrow,

’Twere better than the dull reality

Of waking life to him whose heart shall be,

And hath been ever, on the chilly earth,

A chaos of deep passion from his birth!

But should it be—that dream eternally

Continuing—as dreams have been to me

In my young boyhood—should it thus be given,

’Twere folly still to hope for higher Heaven!

For I have revell’d, when the sun was bright

In the summer sky; in dreamy fields of light,

And left unheedingly my very heart

In climes of mine imagining—apart

From mine own home, with beings that have been

Of mine own thought—what more could I have seen?

’Twas once & _only_ once & the wild hour

From my rememberance shall not pass—some power

Or spell had bound me—’twas the chilly wind

Came o’er me in the night & left behind

Its image on my spirit, or the moon

Shone on my slumbers in her lofty noon

Too coldly—or the stars—howe’er it was

That dream was as that night wind—let it pass.

I have been happy—tho’ but in a dream

I have been happy—& I love the theme—

Dreams! in their vivid colouring of life—

As in that fleeting, shadowy, misty strife

Of semblance with reality which brings

To the delirious eye more lovely things

Of Paradise & Love—& all our own!

Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known.

{From an earlier MS. Than in the book—ED.}

“IN YOUTH I HAVE KNOWN ONE”

_How often we forget all time, when lone

Admiring Nature’s universal throne;

Her woods—her wilds—her mountains-the intense

Reply of Hers to Our intelligence!_

I

IN youth I have known one with whom the Earth

In secret communing held-as he with it,

In daylight, and in beauty, from his birth:

Whose fervid, flickering torch of life was lit

From the sun and stars, whence he had drawn forth

A passionate light such for his spirit was fit

And yet that spirit knew-not in the hour

Of its own fervor-what had o’er it power.

II

Perhaps it may be that my mind is wrought

To a fever* by the moonbeam that hangs o’er,

But I will half believe that wild light fraught

With more of sovereignty than ancient lore

Hath ever told-or is it of a thought

The unembodied essence, and no more

That with a quickening spell doth o’er us pass

As dew of the night-time, o’er the summer grass?

III

Doth o’er us pass, when, as th’ expanding eye

To the loved object-so the tear to the lid

Will start, which lately slept in apathy?

And yet it need not be—(that object) hid

From us in life-but common-which doth lie

Each hour before us—but then only bid

With a strange sound, as of a harp-string broken

T’ awake us—’Tis a symbol and a token

IV

Of what in other worlds shall be—and given

In beauty by our God, to those alone

Who otherwise would fall from life and Heaven

Drawn by their heart’s passion, and that tone,

That high tone of the spirit which hath striven

Though not with Faith-with godliness—whose throne

With desperate energy ‘t hath beaten down;

Wearing its own deep feeling as a crown.

* Query “fervor”?—ED.

A PÆAN.

I.

How shall the burial rite be read?

The solemn song be sung?

The requiem for the loveliest dead,

That ever died so young?

II.

Her friends are gazing on her,

And on her gaudy bier,

And weep!—oh! to dishonor

Dead beauty with a tear!

III.

They loved her for her wealth—

And they hated her for her pride—

But she grew in feeble health,

And they _love_ her—that she died.

IV.

They tell me (while they speak

Of her “costly broider’d pall”)

That my voice is growing weak—

That I should not sing at all—

V.

Or that my tone should be

Tun’d to such solemn song

So mournfully—so mournfully,

That the dead may feel no wrong.

VI.

But she is gone above,

With young Hope at her side,

And I am drunk with love

Of the dead, who is my bride.—

VII.

Of the dead—dead who lies

All perfum’d there,

With the death upon her eyes,

And the life upon her hair.

VIII.

Thus on the coffin loud and long

I strike—the murmur sent

Through the grey chambers to my song,

Shall be the accompaniment.

IX.

Thou died’st in thy life’s June—

But thou did’st not die too fair:

Thou did’st not die too soon,

Nor with too calm an air.

X.

From more than fiends on earth,

Thy life and love are riven,

To join the untainted mirth

Of more than thrones in heaven—

XII.

Therefore, to thee this night

I will no requiem raise,

But waft thee on thy flight,

With a Pæan of old days.

NOTES

30. On the “Poems written in Youth” little comment is needed. This section

includes the pieces printed for first volume of 1827 (which was

subsequently suppressed), such poems from the first and second published

volumes of 1829 and 1831 as have not already been given in their revised

versions, and a few others collected from various sources. “Al Aaraaf”

first appeared, with the sonnet “To Silence” prefixed to it, in 1829, and

is, substantially, as originally issued. In the edition for 1831, however,

this poem, its author’s longest, was introduced by the following

twenty-nine lines, which have been omitted in—all subsequent

collections:

AL AARAAF

Mysterious star!

Thou wert my dream

All a long summer night—

Be now my theme!

By this clear stream,

Of thee will I write;

Meantime from afar

Bathe me in light I

Thy world has not the dross of ours,

Yet all the beauty-all the flowers

That list our love or deck our bowers

In dreamy gardens, where do lie

Dreamy maidens all the day;

While the silver winds of Circassy

On violet couches faint away.

Little—oh “little dwells in thee”

Like unto what on earth we see:

Beauty’s eye is here the bluest

In the falsest and untruest—On the sweetest

air doth float

The most sad and solemn note—

If with thee be broken hearts,

Joy so peacefully departs,

That its echo still doth dwell,

Like the murmur in the shell.

Thou! thy truest type of grief

Is the gently falling leaf!

Thy framing is so holy

Sorrow is not melancholy.

31. The earliest version of “Tamerlane” was included in the suppressed

volume of 1827, but differs very considerably from the poem as now

published. The present draft, besides innumerable verbal alterations and

improvements upon the original, is more carefully punctuated, and, the

lines being indented, presents a more pleasing appearance, to the eye at

least.

32. “To Helen” first appeared in the 1831 volume, as did also “The Valley

of Unrest” (as “The Valley Nis”), “Israfel,” and one or two others of the

youthful pieces. The poem styled “Romance,” constituted the Preface of the

1829 volume, but with the addition of the following lines:

Succeeding years, too wild for song,

Then rolled like tropic storms along,

Where, through the garish lights that fly

Dying along the troubled sky,

Lay bare, through vistas thunder-riven,

The blackness of the general Heaven,

That very blackness yet doth Ring

Light on the lightning’s silver wing.

For being an idle boy lang syne;

Who read Anacreon and drank wine,

I early found Anacreon rhymes

Were almost passionate sometimes—

And by strange alchemy of brain

His pleasures always turned to pain—

His naiveté to wild desire—

His wit to love-his wine to fire—

And so, being young and dipt in folly,

I fell in love with melancholy,

And used to throw my earthly rest

And quiet all away in jest—

I could not love except where Death

Was mingling his with Beauty’s breath—

Or Hymen, Time, and Destiny,

Were stalking between her and me.

But now my soul hath too much room—

Gone are the glory and the gloom—

The black hath mellow’d into gray,

And all the fires are fading away.

My draught of passion hath been deep—

I revell’d, and I now would sleep

And after drunkenness of soul

Succeeds the glories of the bowl

An idle longing night and day

To dream my very life away.

But dreams—of those who dream as I,

Aspiringly, are damned, and die:

Yet should I swear I mean alone,

By notes so very shrilly blown,

To break upon Time’s monotone,

While yet my vapid joy and grief

Are tintless of the yellow leaf—

Why not an imp the graybeard hath,

Will shake his shadow in my path—

And e’en the graybeard will o’erlook

Connivingly my dreaming-book.

DOUBTFUL POEMS

ALONE

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were—I have not seen

As others saw—I could not bring

My passions from a common spring—

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow—I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone—

And all I lov’d—_I_ lov’d alone—

_Then_—in my childhood—in the dawn

Of a most stormy life—was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still—

From the torrent, or the fountain—

From the red cliff of the mountain—

From the sun that ‘round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold—

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by—

From the thunder, and the storm—

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view—

{This poem is no longer considered doubtful as it was in 1903. Liberty has

been taken to replace the book version with an earlier, perhaps more

original manuscript version—Ed}

TO ISADORE

I

Beneath the vine-clad eaves,

Whose shadows fall before

Thy lowly cottage door

Under the lilac’s tremulous leaves—

Within thy snowy claspeèd hand

The purple flowers it bore..

Last eve in dreams, I saw thee stand,

Like queenly nymphs from Fairy-land—

Enchantress of the flowery wand,

Most beauteous Isadore!

II

And when I bade the dream

Upon thy spirit flee,

Thy violet eyes to me

Upturned, did overflowing seem

With the deep, untold delight

Of Love’s serenity;

Thy classic brow, like lilies white

And pale as the Imperial Night

Upon her throne, with stars bedight,

Enthralled my soul to thee!

III

Ah I ever I behold

Thy dreamy, passionate eyes,

Blue as the languid skies

Hung with the sunset’s fringe of gold;

Now strangely clear thine image grows,

And olden memories

Are startled from their long repose

Like shadows on the silent snows

When suddenly the night-wind blows

Where quiet moonlight ties.

IV

Like music heard in dreams,

Like strains of harps unknown,

Of birds forever flown

Audible as the voice of streams

That murmur in some leafy dell,

I hear thy gentlest tone,

And Silence cometh with her spell

Like that which on my tongue doth dwell,

When tremulous in dreams I tell

My love to thee alone!

V

In every valley heard,

Floating from tree to tree,

Less beautiful to, me,

The music of the radiant bird,

Than artless accents such as thine

Whose echoes never flee!

Ah! how for thy sweet voice I pine:—

For uttered in thy tones benign

(Enchantress!) this rude name of mine

Doth seem a melody!

THE VILLAGE STREET

In these rapid, restless shadows,

Once I walked at eventide,

When a gentle, silent maiden,

Wal ked in beauty at my side

She alone there walked beside me

All in beauty, like a bride.

Pallidly the moon was shining

On the dewy meadows nigh;

On the silvery, silent rivers,

On the mountains far and high

On the ocean’s star-lit waters,

Where the winds a-weary die.

Slowly, silently we wandered

From the open cottage door,

Underneath the elm’s long branches

To the pavement bending o’er;

Underneath the mossy willow

And the dying sycamore.

With the myriad stars in beauty

All bedight, the heavens were seen,

Radiant hopes were bright around me,

Like the light of stars serene;

Like the mellow midnight splendor

Of the Night’s irradiate queen.

Audibly the elm-leaves whispered

Peaceful, pleasant melodies,

Like the distant murmured music

Of unquiet, lovely seas:

While the winds were hushed in slumber

In the fragrant flowers and trees.

Wondrous and unwonted beauty

Still adorning all did seem,

While I told my love in fables

‘Neath the willows by the stream;

Would the heart have kept unspoken

Love that was its rarest dream!

Instantly away we wandered

In the shadowy twilight tide,

She, the silent, scornful maiden,

Walking calmly at my side,

With a step serene and stately,

All in beauty, all in pride.

Vacantly I walked beside her.

On the earth mine eyes were cast;

Swift and keen there came unto me

Ritter memories of the past

On me, like the rain in Autumn

On the dead leaves, cold and fast.

Underneath the elms we parted,

By the lowly cottage door;

One brief word alone was uttered

Never on our lips before;

And away I walked forlornly,

Broken-hearted evermore.

Slowly, silently I loitered,

Homeward, in the night, alone;

Sudden anguish bound my spirit,

That my youth had never known;

Wild unrest, like that which cometh

When the Night’s first dream hath flown.

Now, to me the elm-leaves whisper

Mad, discordant melodies,

And keen melodies like shadows

Haunt the moaning willow trees,

And the sycamores with laughter

Mock me in the nightly breeze.

Sad and pale the Autumn moonlight

Through the sighing foliage streams;

And each morning, midnight shadow,

Shadow of my sorrow seems;

Strive, 0 heart, forget thine idol!

And, 0 soul, forget thy dreams!

THE FOREST REVERIE

’Tis said that when

The hands of men

Tamed this primeval wood,

And hoary trees with groans of woe,

Like warriors by an unknown foe,

Were in their strength subdued,

The virgin Earth Gave instant birth

To springs that ne’er did flow

That in the sun Did rivulets run,

And all around rare flowers did blow

The wild rose pale Perfumed the gale

And the queenly lily adown the dale

(Whom the sun and the dew

And the winds did woo),

With the gourd and the grape luxuriant grew.

So when in tears

The love of years

Is wasted like the snow,

And the fine fibrils of its life

By the rude wrong of instant strife

Are broken at a blow

Within the heart

Do springs upstart

Of which it doth now know,

And strange, sweet dreams,

Like silent streams

That from new fountains overflow,

With the earlier tide

Of rivers glide

Deep in the heart whose hope has died—

Quenching the fires its ashes hide,—

Its ashes, whence will spring and grow

Sweet flowers, ere long,

The rare and radiant flowers of song!

NOTES

Of the many verses from time to time ascribed to the pen of Edgar Poe, and

not included among his known writings, the lines entitled “Alone” have the

chief claim to our notice. _Fac-simile _copies of this piece had been

in possession of the present editor some time previous to its publication

in “Scribner’s Magazine” for September, 1875; but as proofs of the

authorship claimed for it were not forthcoming, he refrained from

publishing it as requested. The desired proofs have not yet been adduced,

and there is, at present, nothing but internal evidence to guide us.

“Alone” is stated to have been written by Poe in the album of a Baltimore

lady (Mrs. Balderstone?), on March 17th, 1829, and the facsimile given in

“Scribner’s” is alleged to be of his handwriting. If the caligraphy be

Poe’s, it is different in all essential respects from all the many

specimens known to us, and strongly resembles that of the writer of the

heading and dating of the manuscript, both of which the contributor of the

poem acknowledges to have been recently added. The lines, however, if not

by Poe, are the most successful imitation of his early mannerisms yet made

public, and, in the opinion of one well qualified to speak, “are not

unworthy on the whole of the parentage claimed for them.”

While Edgar Poe was editor of the “Broadway Journal,” some lines “To

Isadore” appeared therein, and, like several of his known pieces, bore no

signature. They were at once ascribed to Poe, and in order to satisfy

questioners, an editorial paragraph subsequently appeared saying they were

by “A. Ide, junior.” Two previous poems had appeared in the “Broadway

journal” over the signature of “A. M. Ide,” and whoever wrote them was

also the author of the lines “To Isadore.” In order, doubtless, to give a

show of variety, Poe was then publishing some of his known works in his

journal over _noms de plume, _and as no other writings whatever can

be traced to any person bearing the name of “A. M. Ide,” it is not

impossible that the poems now republished in this collection may be by the

author of “The Raven.” Having been published without his usual elaborate

revision, Poe may have wished to _hide _his hasty work under an

assumed name. The three pieces are included in the present collection, so

the reader can judge for himself what pretensions they possess to be by

the author of “The Raven.”

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