บทที่ บทที่ 23 · Chapter XXIII First Weeks of Matrimony

. Chapter XXIII First Weeks of Matrimony

Feb. 18, 1822.—Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and set off

in high glee to meet the —— hounds. He will be away all day, and so I

will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can give that name to

such an irregular composition. It is exactly four months since I opened

it last.

I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grassdale

Manor. I have had eight weeks’ experience of matrimony. And do I regret

the step I have taken? No, though I must confess, in my secret heart,

that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and if I had known him

in the beginning as thoroughly as I do now, I probably never should

have loved him, and if I loved him first, and then made the discovery,

I fear I should have thought it my duty not to have married him. To be

sure I might have known him, for every one was willing enough to tell

me about him, and he himself was no accomplished hypocrite, but I was

wilfully blind; and now, instead of regretting that I did not discern

his full character before I was indissolubly bound to him, I am _glad_,

for it has saved me a great deal of battling with my conscience, and a

great deal of consequent trouble and pain; and, whatever I _ought_ to

have done, my duty now is plainly to love him and to cleave to him, and

this just tallies with my inclination.

He is very fond of me, almost _too_ fond. I could do with less

caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and

more of a friend, if I might choose; but I won’t complain of that: I am

only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains in ardour. I

sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs and branches compared with

one of solid coal, very bright and hot; but if it should burn itself

out and leave nothing but ashes behind, what shall I do? But it won’t,

it _shan_’t, I am determined; and surely I have power to keep it alive.

So let me dismiss _that_ thought at once. But Arthur is selfish; I am

constrained to acknowledge that; and, indeed, the admission gives me

less pain than might be expected, for, since _I_ love him so much, I

can easily forgive him for loving himself: he likes to be pleased, and

it is my delight to please him; and when I regret this tendency of his,

it is for his own sake, not for mine.

The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour. He

wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental scenes were already

familiar to him: many had lost their interest in his eyes, and others

had never had anything to lose. The consequence was, that after a

flying transit through part of France and part of Italy, I came back

nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no acquaintance with persons

and manners, and very little with things, my head swarming with a

motley confusion of objects and scenes; some, it is true, leaving a

deeper and more pleasing impression than others, but these embittered

by the recollection that my emotions had not been shared by my

companion, but that, on the contrary, when I had expressed a particular

interest in anything that I saw or desired to see, it had been

displeasing to him, inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in

anything disconnected with himself.

[Illustration]

As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give me

time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of Rome.

He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to himself, and to

see me safely installed as the mistress of Grassdale Manor, just as

single-minded, as naïve, and piquante as I was; and as if I had been

some frail butterfly, he expressed himself fearful of rubbing the

silver off my wings by bringing me into contact with society,

especially that of Paris and Rome; and, more-over, he did not scruple

to tell me that there were ladies in both places that would tear his

eyes out if they happened to meet him with me.

Of course I was vexed at all this; but still it was less the

disappointment to myself that annoyed me, than the disappointment _in

him_, and the trouble I was at to frame excuses to my friends for

having seen and observed so little, without imputing one particle of

blame to my companion. But when we got home—to my new, delightful

home—I was so happy and he was so kind that I freely forgave him all;

and I was beginning to think my lot _too_ happy, and my husband

actually too good for me, if not too good for this world, when, on the

second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and horrified me by another

instance of his unreasonable exaction. We were walking home from the

morning service, for it was a fine frosty day, and as we are so near

the church, I had requested the carriage should not be used.

“Helen,” said he, with unusual gravity, “I am not quite satisfied with

you.”

I desired to know what was wrong.

“But will you promise to reform if I tell you?”

“Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority.”

“Ah! there it is, you see: you don’t love me with all your heart.”

“I don’t understand you, Arthur (at least I hope I don’t): pray tell me

what I have done or said amiss.”

“It is nothing you have done or said; it is something that you _are:_

you are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I think

your piety one of your greatest charms; but then, like all other good

things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a woman’s religion

ought not to lessen her devotion to her earthly lord. She should have

enough to purify and etherealise her soul, but not enough to refine

away her heart, and raise her above all human sympathies.”

“And am _I_ above all human sympathies?” said I.

“No, darling; but you are making more progress towards that saintly

condition than I like; for all these two hours I have been thinking of

you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absorbed in your

devotions that you had not even a glance to spare for me—I declare it

is enough to make one jealous of one’s Maker—which is very wrong, you

know; so don’t excite such wicked passions again, for my soul’s sake.”

“I will give my whole heart and soul to my Maker if I can,” I answered,

“and not one atom more of it to you than He allows. What are _you_,

sir, that you should set yourself up as a god, and presume to dispute

possession of my heart with Him to whom I owe all I have and all I am,

every blessing I ever did or ever can enjoy—and yourself among the

rest—if you _are_ a blessing, which I am half inclined to doubt.”

“Don’t be so hard upon me, Helen; and don’t pinch my arm so: you are

squeezing your fingers into the bone.”

“Arthur,” continued I, relaxing my hold of his arm, “you don’t love me

half as much as I do you; and yet, if you loved me far less than you

do, I would not complain, provided you loved your Maker more. I should

_rejoice_ to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in your devotions

that you had not a single thought to spare for me. But, indeed, I

should lose nothing by the change, for the more you loved your God the

more deep and pure and true would be your love to me.”

At this he only laughed and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet

enthusiast. Then taking off his hat, he added: “But look here,

Helen—what can a man do with such a head as this?”

The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top of

it, it sunk in a bed of curls, rather alarmingly low, especially in the

middle.

“You see I was not made to be a saint,” said he, laughing, “If God

meant me to be religious, why didn’t He give me a proper organ of

veneration?”

“You are like the servant,” I replied, “who, instead of employing his

one talent in his master’s service, restored it to him unimproved,

alleging, as an excuse, that he knew him ‘to be a hard man, reaping

where he had not sown, and gathering where he had not strawed.’ Of him

to whom less is given, less will be required, but our utmost exertions

are required of us all. You are not without the capacity of veneration,

and faith and hope, and conscience and reason, and every other

requisite to a Christian’s character, if you choose to employ them; but

all our talents increase in the using, and every faculty, both good and

bad, strengthens by exercise: therefore, if you choose to use the bad,

or those which tend to evil, till they become your masters, and neglect

the good till they dwindle away, you have only yourself to blame. But

you _have_ talents, Arthur—natural endowments both of heart and mind

and temper, such as many a better Christian would be glad to possess,

if you would only employ them in God’s service. I should never expect

to see you a devotee, but it is quite possible to be a good Christian

without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man.”

“You speak like an oracle, Helen, and all you say is indisputably true;

but listen here: I am hungry, and I see before me a good substantial

dinner; I am told that if I abstain from this to-day I shall have a

sumptuous feast to-morrow, consisting of all manner of dainties and

delicacies. Now, in the first place, I should be loth to wait till

to-morrow when I have the means of appeasing my hunger already before

me: in the second place, the solid viands of to-day are more to my

taste than the dainties that are promised me; in the third place, I

don’t _see_ to-morrow’s banquet, and how can I tell that it is not all

a fable, got up by the greasy-faced fellow that is advising me to

abstain in order that he may have all the good victuals to himself? in

the fourth place, this table must be spread for somebody, and, as

Solomon says, ‘Who can eat, or who else can hasten hereunto more than

I?’ and finally, with your leave, I’ll sit down and satisfy my cravings

of to-day, and leave to-morrow to shift for itself—who knows but what I

may secure both this and that?”

“But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of

to-day: you are only advised to partake of these coarser viands in such

moderation as not to incapacitate you from enjoying the choicer banquet

of to-morrow. If, regardless of that counsel, you choose to make a

beast of yourself now, and over-eat and over-drink yourself till you

turn the good victuals into poison, who is to blame if, hereafter,

while you are suffering the torments of yesterday’s gluttony and

drunkenness, you see more temperate men sitting down to enjoy

themselves at that splendid entertainment which you are unable to

taste?”

“Most true, my patron saint; but again, our friend Solomon says, ‘There

is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink, and to be

merry.’”

“And again,” returned I, “he says, ‘Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth;

and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes:

but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into

judgment.’”

“Well, but, Helen, I’m sure I’ve been very good these last few weeks.

What have you seen amiss in me, and what would you have me to do?”

“Nothing more than you do, Arthur: your actions are all right so far;

but I would have your thoughts changed; I would have you to fortify

yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good, and good evil;

I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, and aim higher

than you do.”