บทที่ บทที่ 44 · Chapter XLIV The Retreat

. Chapter XLIV The Retreat

October 24th.—Thank Heaven, I am free and safe at last. Early we rose,

swiftly and quietly dressed, slowly and stealthily descended to the

hall, where Benson stood ready with a light, to open the door and

fasten it after us. We were obliged to let one man into our secret on

account of the boxes, &c. All the servants were but too well acquainted

with their master’s conduct, and either Benson or John would have been

willing to serve me; but as the former was more staid and elderly, and

a crony of Rachel’s besides, I of course directed her to make choice of

him as her assistant and confidant on the occasion, as far as necessity

demanded, I only hope he may not be brought into trouble thereby, and

only wish I could reward him for the perilous service he was so ready

to undertake. I slipped two guineas into his hand, by way of

remembrance, as he stood in the doorway, holding the candle to light

our departure, with a tear in his honest grey eye, and a host of good

wishes depicted on his solemn countenance. Alas! I could offer no more:

I had barely sufficient remaining for the probable expenses of the

journey.

What trembling joy it was when the little wicket closed behind us, as

we issued from the park! Then, for one moment, I paused, to inhale one

draught of that cool, bracing air, and venture one look back upon the

house. All was dark and still: no light glimmered in the windows, no

wreath of smoke obscured the stars that sparkled above it in the frosty

sky. As I bade farewell for ever to that place, the scene of so much

guilt and misery, I felt glad that I had not left it before, for now

there was no doubt about the propriety of such a step—no shadow of

remorse for him I left behind. There was nothing to disturb my joy but

the fear of detection; and every step removed us further from the

chance of that.

We had left Grassdale many miles behind us before the round red sun

arose to welcome our deliverance; and if any inhabitant of its vicinity

had chanced to see us then, as we bowled along on the top of the coach,

I scarcely think they would have suspected our identity. As I intend to

be taken for a widow, I thought it advisable to enter my new abode in

mourning: I was, therefore, attired in a plain black silk dress and

mantle, a black veil (which I kept carefully over my face for the first

twenty or thirty miles of the journey), and a black silk bonnet, which

I had been constrained to borrow of Rachel, for want of such an article

myself. It was not in the newest fashion, of course; but none the worse

for that, under present circumstances. Arthur was clad in his plainest

clothes, and wrapped in a coarse woollen shawl; and Rachel was muffled

in a grey cloak and hood that had seen better days, and gave her more

the appearance of an ordinary though decent old woman, than of a

lady’s-maid.

Oh, what delight it was to be thus seated aloft, rumbling along the

broad, sunshiny road, with the fresh morning breeze in my face,

surrounded by an unknown country, all smiling—cheerfully, gloriously

smiling in the yellow lustre of those early beams; with my darling

child in my arms, almost as happy as myself, and my faithful friend

beside me: a prison and despair behind me, receding further, further

back at every clatter of the horses’ feet; and liberty and hope before!

I could hardly refrain from praising God aloud for my deliverance, or

astonishing my fellow-passengers by some surprising outburst of

hilarity.

But the journey was a very long one, and we were all weary enough

before the close of it. It was far into the night when we reached the

town of L——, and still we were seven miles from our journey’s end; and

there was no more coaching, nor any conveyance to be had, except a

common cart, and that with the greatest difficulty, for half the town

was in bed. And a dreary ride we had of it, that last stage of the

journey, cold and weary as we were; sitting on our boxes, with nothing

to cling to, nothing to lean against, slowly dragged and cruelly shaken

over the rough, hilly roads. But Arthur was asleep in Rachel’s lap, and

between us we managed pretty well to shield him from the cold night

air.

At last we began to ascend a terribly steep and stony lane, which, in

spite of the darkness, Rachel said she remembered well: she had often

walked there with me in her arms, and little thought to come again so

many years after, under such circumstances as the present. Arthur being

now awakened by the jolting and the stoppages, we all got out and

walked. We had not far to go; but what if Frederick should not have

received my letter? or if he should not have had time to prepare the

rooms for our reception, and we should find them all dark, damp, and

comfortless, destitute of food, fire, and furniture, after all our

toil?

At length the grim, dark pile appeared before us. The lane conducted us

round by the back way. We entered the desolate court, and in breathless

anxiety surveyed the ruinous mass. Was it all blackness and desolation?

No; one faint red glimmer cheered us from a window where the lattice

was in good repair. The door was fastened, but after due knocking and

waiting, and some parleying with a voice from an upper window, we were

admitted by an old woman who had been commissioned to air and keep the

house till our arrival, into a tolerably snug little apartment,

formerly the scullery of the mansion, which Frederick had now fitted up

as a kitchen. Here she procured us a light, roused the fire to a

cheerful blaze, and soon prepared a simple repast for our refreshment;

while we disencumbered ourselves of our travelling-gear, and took a

hasty survey of our new abode. Besides the kitchen, there were two

bedrooms, a good-sized parlour, and another smaller one, which I

destined for my studio, all well aired and seemingly in good repair,

but only partly furnished with a few old articles, chiefly of ponderous

black oak, the veritable ones that had been there before, and which had

been kept as antiquarian relics in my brother’s present residence, and

now, in all haste, transported back again.

The old woman brought my supper and Arthur’s into the parlour, and told

me, with all due formality, that “the master desired his compliments to

Mrs. Graham, and he had prepared the rooms as well as he could upon so

short a notice; but he would do himself the pleasure of calling upon

her to-morrow, to receive her further commands.”

I was glad to ascend the stern-looking stone staircase, and lie down in

the gloomy, old-fashioned bed, beside my little Arthur. He was asleep

in a minute; but, weary as I was, my excited feelings and restless

cogitations kept me awake till dawn began to struggle with the

darkness; but sleep was sweet and refreshing when it came, and the

waking was delightful beyond expression. It was little Arthur that

roused me, with his gentle kisses. He was here, then, safely clasped in

my arms, and many leagues away from his unworthy father! Broad daylight

illumined the apartment, for the sun was high in heaven, though

obscured by rolling masses of autumnal vapour.

The scene, indeed, was not remarkably cheerful in itself, either within

or without. The large bare room, with its grim old furniture, the

narrow, latticed windows, revealing the dull, grey sky above and the

desolate wilderness below, where the dark stone walls and iron gate,

the rank growth of grass and weeds, and the hardy evergreens of

preternatural forms, alone remained to tell that there had been once a

garden,—and the bleak and barren fields beyond might have struck me as

gloomy enough at another time; but now, each separate object seemed to

echo back my own exhilarating sense of hope and freedom: indefinite

dreams of the far past and bright anticipations of the future seemed to

greet me at every turn. I should rejoice with more security, to be

sure, had the broad sea rolled between my present and my former homes;

but surely in this lonely spot I might remain unknown; and then I had

my brother here to cheer my solitude with his occasional visits.

He came that morning; and I have had several interviews with him since;

but he is obliged to be very cautious when and how he comes; not even

his servants or his best friends must know of his visits to

Wildfell—except on such occasions as a landlord might be expected to

call upon a stranger tenant—lest suspicion should be excited against

me, whether of the truth or of some slanderous falsehood.

I have now been here nearly a fortnight, and, but for one disturbing

care, the haunting dread of discovery, I am comfortably settled in my

new home: Frederick has supplied me with all requisite furniture and

painting materials: Rachel has sold most of my clothes for me, in a

distant town, and procured me a wardrobe more suitable to my present

position: I have a second-hand piano, and a tolerably well-stocked

bookcase in my parlour; and my other room has assumed quite a

professional, business-like appearance already. I am working hard to

repay my brother for all his expenses on my account; not that there is

the slightest necessity for anything of the kind, but it pleases me to

do so: I shall have so much more pleasure in my labour, my earnings, my

frugal fare, and household economy, when I know that I am paying my way

honestly, and that what little I possess is legitimately all my own;

and that no one suffers for my folly—in a pecuniary way at least. I

shall make him take the last penny I owe him, if I can possibly effect

it without offending him too deeply. I have a few pictures already

done, for I told Rachel to pack up all I had; and she executed her

commission but too well—for among the rest, she put up a portrait of

Mr. Huntingdon that I had painted in the first year of my marriage. It

struck me with dismay, at the moment, when I took it from the box and

beheld those eyes fixed upon me in their mocking mirth, as if exulting

still in his power to control my fate, and deriding my efforts to

escape.

How widely different had been my feelings in painting that portrait to

what they now were in looking upon it! How I had studied and toiled to

produce something, as I thought, worthy of the original! what mingled

pleasure and dissatisfaction I had had in the result of my

labours!—pleasure for the likeness I had caught; dissatisfaction,

because I had not made it handsome enough. Now, I see no beauty in

it—nothing pleasing in any part of its expression; and yet it is far

handsomer and far more agreeable—far less repulsive I should rather

say—than he is now: for these six years have wrought almost as great a

change upon himself as on my feelings regarding him. The frame,

however, is handsome enough; it will serve for another painting. The

picture itself I have not destroyed, as I had first intended; I have

put it aside; not, I think, from any lurking tenderness for the memory

of past affection, nor yet to remind me of my former folly, but chiefly

that I may compare my son’s features and countenance with this, as he

grows up, and thus be enabled to judge how much or how little he

resembles his father—if I may be allowed to keep him with me still, and

never to behold that father’s face again—a blessing I hardly dare

reckon upon.

It seems Mr. Huntingdon is making every exertion to discover the place

of my retreat. He has been in person to Staningley, seeking redress for

his grievances—expecting to hear of his victims, if not to find them

there—and has told so many lies, and with such unblushing coolness,

that my uncle more than half believes him, and strongly advocates my

going back to him and being friends again. But my aunt knows better:

she is too cool and cautious, and too well acquainted with both my

husband’s character and my own to be imposed upon by any specious

falsehoods the former could invent. But he does not _want_ me back; he

wants my child; and gives my friends to understand that if I prefer

living apart from him, he will indulge the whim and let me do so

unmolested, and even settle a reasonable allowance on me, provided I

will immediately deliver up his son. But heaven help me! I am not going

to sell my child for gold, though it were to save both him and me from

starving: it would be better that he should die with me than that he

should live with his father.

Frederick showed me a letter he had received from that gentleman, full

of cool impudence such as would astonish any one who did not know him,

but such as, I am convinced, none would know better how to answer than

my brother. He gave me no account of his reply, except to tell me that

he had not acknowledged his acquaintance with my place of refuge, but

rather left it to be inferred that it was quite unknown to him, by

saying it was useless to apply to him, or any other of my relations,

for information on the subject, as it appeared I had been driven to

such extremity that I had concealed my retreat even from my best

friends; but that if he _had_ known it, or should at any time be made

aware of it, most certainly Mr. Huntingdon would be the last person to

whom he should communicate the intelligence; and that he need not

trouble himself to bargain for the child, for he (Frederick) fancied he

knew enough of his sister to enable him to declare, that wherever she

might be, or however situated, no consideration would induce her to

deliver him up.

30th.—Alas! my kind neighbours will not let me alone. By some means

they have ferreted me out, and I have had to sustain visits from three

different families, all more or less bent upon discovering who and what

I am, whence I came, and why I have chosen such a home as this. Their

society is unnecessary to me, to say the least, and their curiosity

annoys and alarms me: if I gratify it, it may lead to the ruin of my

son, and if I am too mysterious it will only excite their suspicions,

invite conjecture, and rouse them to greater exertions—and perhaps be

the means of spreading my fame from parish to parish, till it reach the

ears of some one who will carry it to the Lord of Grassdale Manor.

I shall be expected to return their calls, but if, upon inquiry, I find

that any of them live too far away for Arthur to accompany me, they

must expect in vain for a while, for I cannot bear to leave him, unless

it be to go to church, and I have not attempted _that_ yet: for—it may

be foolish weakness, but I am under such constant dread of his being

snatched away, that I am never easy when he is not by my side; and I

fear these nervous terrors would so entirely disturb my devotions, that

I should obtain no benefit from the attendance. I mean, however, to

make the experiment next Sunday, and oblige myself to leave him in

charge of Rachel for a few hours. It will be a hard task, but surely no

imprudence; and the vicar has been to scold me for my neglect of the

ordinances of religion. I had no sufficient excuse to offer, and I

promised, if all were well, he should see me in my pew next Sunday; for

I do not wish to be set down as an infidel; and, besides, I know I

should derive great comfort and benefit from an occasional attendance

at public worship, if I could only have faith and fortitude to compose

my thoughts in conformity with the solemn occasion, and forbid them to

be for ever dwelling on my absent child, and on the dreadful

possibility of finding him gone when I return; and surely God in His

mercy will preserve me from so severe a trial: for my child’s own sake,

if not for mine, He will not suffer him to be torn away.

November 3rd.—I have made some further acquaintance with my neighbours.

The fine gentleman and beau of the parish and its vicinity (in his own

estimation, at least) is a young . . . .

* * * * *

Here it ended. The rest was torn away. How cruel, just when she was

going to mention me! for I could not doubt it _was_ your humble servant

she was about to mention, though not very favourably, of course. I

could tell that, as well by those few words as by the recollection of

her whole aspect and demeanour towards me in the commencement of our

acquaintance. Well! I could readily forgive her prejudice against me,

and her hard thoughts of our sex in general, when I saw to what

brilliant specimens her experience had been limited.

Respecting me, however, she had long since seen her error, and perhaps

fallen into another in the opposite extreme: for if, at first, her

opinion of me had been lower than I deserved, I was convinced that now

my deserts were lower than her opinion; and if the former part of this

continuation had been torn away to avoid wounding my feelings, perhaps

the latter portion had been removed for fear of ministering too much to

my self-conceit. At any rate, I would have given much to have seen it

all—to have witnessed the gradual change, and watched the progress of

her esteem and friendship for me, and whatever warmer feeling she might

have; to have seen how much of love there was in her regard, and how it

had grown upon her in spite of her virtuous resolutions and strenuous

exertions to—but no, I had no right to see it: all this was too sacred

for any eyes but her own, and she had done well to keep it from me.