Chương Chương 84 · How Pantagruel and his compa

Chapter 2.XXVI.

How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and

how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.

Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly

of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison? This salt meat makes me

horribly dry. I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which

we have burnt; it is well roasted already. As he was rising up to go about

it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was

come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge’s fire. Him

did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had

been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he

was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,

seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged

ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty

cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and

rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in

a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and

three great foxes. So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the

head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up

his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be

heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar! Then the

good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him

some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,

and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back

a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares. Then immediately

did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden

spits. Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier

saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their

prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein

the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of

vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a

triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.

Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little

anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the

great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what

a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps. But, said Panurge,

it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we

might get the upper hand of our enemies. That is well remembered, said

Pantagruel. Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us

here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed

alive, for it is I that eat the little children. Relate unto us at full

the order, the number, and the strength of the army. To which the prisoner

answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred

giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great. Nevertheless,

not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,

who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils. Furthermore, one

hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of

hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred

men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and

arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one

hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,

said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others

Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High

Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.

Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there? Yes, sir, said the prisoner;

he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,

which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more

thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.

It is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go

with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you! I

have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so

the devil one leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about

one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel. It is, said Panurge, how I

shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the

whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one

unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and

women in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said: The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not

bumbaste some one of them. Then said Eusthenes: What! shall not I have

any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as

that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o’clock, till now that I have

it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? Truly, said Panurge,

thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the

best case.

How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass? The

devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of war, Qui

potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,

and ride as the world doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,

and said unto them, You reckon without your host. I am much afraid that,

before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no

great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of

pike and lance. Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that! I will not fail to

bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. They

are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty

hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus

Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. For

God’s sake, take you no care for that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;

my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.

Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their

backs. Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.