Chương Chương 98 · Why new married men were pri

Chapter 3.VI.

Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars.

But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted,

ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those

that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted

and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year? By the law,

answered Pantagruel, of Moses. Why, replied Panurge, the lately married?

As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my

condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care

of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine. Nor are these

pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of

Life. It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my

architecture, to wit, men. It was, according to my opinion, quoth

Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the

first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their

mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at

leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny,

they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs.

That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of

some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms

might continue with their children in the same families. And next, that,

the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful--for

one year’s trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they

married, was held sufficient for the discovery--they might pitch the more

suitably, in case of their first husband’s decease, upon a second match.

The fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue;

and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of

their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel

behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial

conveniences and comforts, and such like. The preachers of Varennes, saith

Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and

dishonest.

Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel. A plague take such preachers!

Yea but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer,

who, in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein

abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds

of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil

in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly

undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the

simple drudgery of one widow. Truly I find your reason in that point right

good and strongly grounded.

But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was

granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the

said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as

both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and

evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether

feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such

sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and

ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company

of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern

Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps?

Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they will so much

as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have

been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart

Venus.

In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity,

we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of

some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit

their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a

little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh

supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the

duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater

part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to.

Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not cashier

us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for our

refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his

own. My grandfather’s godmother was wont to say to me when I was a boy,--

Patenostres et oraisons

Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent.

Ung fiffre en fenaisons

Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent.

Not orisons nor patenotres

Shall ever disorder my brain.

One cadet, to the field as he flutters,

Is worth two, when they end the campaign.

That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did

seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the

first year was wholly elapsed. During all which time also the builders did

hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying

suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly

remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing. Under favour,

sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly

very ratiocinant. Be not offended, I pray you.