第 二十七 章 · 第27章

He told me I might lodge the money in the bank as an account, and its

being entered into the books would entitle me to the money at any time,

and if I was in the north I might draw bills on the cashier and receive

it when I would; but that then it would be esteemed as running cash,

and the bank would give no interest for it; that I might buy stock with

it, and so it would lie in store for me, but that then if I wanted to

dispose if it, I must come up to town on purpose to transfer it, and

even it would be with some difficulty I should receive the half-yearly

dividend, unless I was here in person, or had some friend I could trust

with having the stock in his name to do it for me, and that would have

the same difficulty in it as before; and with that he looked hard at me

and smiled a little. At last, says he, “Why do you not get a head

steward, madam, that may take you and your money together into keeping,

and then you would have the trouble taken off your hands?” “Ay, sir,

and the money too, it may be,” said I; “for truly I find the hazard

that way is as much as ’tis t’other way”; but I remember I said

secretly to myself, “I wish you would ask me the question fairly, I

would consider very seriously on it before I said No.”

He went on a good way with me, and I thought once or twice he was in

earnest, but to my real affliction, I found at last he had a wife; but

when he owned he had a wife he shook his head, and said with some

concern, that indeed he had a wife, and no wife. I began to think he

had been in the condition of my late lover, and that his wife had been

distempered or lunatic, or some such thing. However, we had not much

more discourse at that time, but he told me he was in too much hurry of

business then, but that if I would come home to his house after their

business was over, he would by that time consider what might be done

for me, to put my affairs in a posture of security. I told him I would

come, and desired to know where he lived. He gave me a direction in

writing, and when he gave it me he read it to me, and said, “There

’tis, madam, if you dare trust yourself with me.” “Yes, sir,” said I,

“I believe I may venture to trust you with myself, for you have a wife,

you say, and I don’t want a husband; besides, I dare trust you with my

money, which is all I have in the world, and if that were gone, I may

trust myself anywhere.”

He said some things in jest that were very handsome and mannerly, and

would have pleased me very well if they had been in earnest; but that

passed over, I took the directions, and appointed to attend him at his

house at seven o’clock the same evening.

When I came he made several proposals for my placing my money in the

bank, in order to my having interest for it; but still some difficulty

or other came in the way, which he objected as not safe; and I found

such a sincere disinterested honesty in him, that I began to muse with

myself, that I had certainly found the honest man I wanted, and that I

could never put myself into better hands; so I told him with a great

deal of frankness that I had never met with a man or woman yet that I

could trust, or in whom I could think myself safe, but that I saw he

was so disinterestedly concerned for my safety, that I said I would

freely trust him with the management of that little I had, if he would

accept to be steward for a poor widow that could give him no salary.

He smiled and, standing up, with great respect saluted me. He told me

he could not but take it very kindly that I had so good an opinion of

him; that he would not deceive me, that he would do anything in his

power to serve me, and expect no salary; but that he could not by any

means accept of a trust, that it might bring him to be suspected of

self-interest, and that if I should die he might have disputes with my

executors, which he should be very loth to encumber himself with.

I told him if those were all his objections I would soon remove them,

and convince him that there was not the least room for any difficulty;

for that, first, as for suspecting him, if ever I should do it, now

is the time to suspect him, and not put the trust into his hands, and

whenever I did suspect him, he could but throw it up then and refuse

to go any further. Then, as to executors, I assured him I had no

heirs, nor any relations in England, and I would have neither heirs

nor executors but himself, unless I should alter my condition before

I died, and then his trust and trouble should cease together, which,

however, I had no prospect of yet; but I told him if I died as I was,

it should be all his own, and he would deserve it by being so faithful

to me as I was satisfied he would be.

He changed his countenance at this discourse, and asked me how I came

to have so much good-will for him; and, looking very much pleased, said

he might very lawfully wish he was a single man for my sake. I smiled,

and told him as he was not, my offer could have no design upon him in

it, and to wish, as he did, was not to be allowed, ’twas criminal to

his wife.

He told me I was wrong. “For,” says he, “madam, as I said before, I

have a wife and no wife, and ’twould be no sin to me to wish her

hanged, if that were all.” “I know nothing of your circumstances that

way, sir,” said I; “but it cannot be innocent to wish your wife dead.”

“I tell you,” says he again, “she is a wife and no wife; you don’t know

what I am, or what she is.”

“That’s true,” said I; “sir, I do not know what you are, but I believe

you to be an honest man, and that’s the cause of all my confidence in

you.”

“Well, well,” says he, “and so I am, I hope, too. But I am something

else too, madam; for,” says he, “to be plain with you, I am a cuckold,

and she is a whore.” He spoke it in a kind of jest, but it was with

such an awkward smile, that I perceived it was what struck very close

to him, and he looked dismally when he said it.

“That alters the case indeed, sir,” said I, “as to that part you were

speaking of; but a cuckold, you know, may be an honest man; it does not

alter that case at all. Besides, I think,” said I, “since your wife is

so dishonest to you, you are too honest to her to own her for your

wife; but that,” said I, “is what I have nothing to do with.”

“Nay,” says he, “I do not think to clear my hands of her; for, to be

plain with you, madam,” added he, “I am no contented cuckold neither:

on the other hand, I assure you it provokes me the highest degree, but

I can’t help myself; she that will be a whore, will be a whore.”

I waived the discourse and began to talk of my business; but I found he

could not have done with it, so I let him alone, and he went on to tell

me all the circumstances of his case, too long to relate here;

particularly, that having been out of England some time before he came

to the post he was in, she had had two children in the meantime by an

officer of the army; and that when he came to England and, upon her

submission, took her again, and maintained her very well, yet she ran

away from him with a linen-draper’s apprentice, robbed him of what she

could come at, and continued to live from him still. “So that, madam,”

says he, “she is a whore not by necessity, which is the common bait of

your sex, but by inclination, and for the sake of the vice.”

Well, I pitied him, and wished him well rid of her, and still would

have talked of my business, but it would not do. At last he looks

steadily at me. “Look you, madam,” says he, “you came to ask advice of

me, and I will serve you as faithfully as if you were my own sister;

but I must turn the tables, since you oblige me to do it, and are so

friendly to me, and I think I must ask advice of you. Tell me, what

must a poor abused fellow do with a whore? What can I do to do myself

justice upon her?”

“Alas! sir,” says I, “’tis a case too nice for me to advise in, but it

seems she has run away from you, so you are rid of her fairly; what can

you desire more?” “Ay, she is gone indeed,” said he, “but I am not

clear of her for all that.”

“That’s true,” says I; “she may indeed run you into debt, but the law

has furnished you with methods to prevent that also; you may cry her

down, as they call it.”

“No, no,” says he, “that is not the case neither; I have taken care of

all that; ’tis not that part that I speak of, but I would be rid of her

so that I might marry again.”

“Well, sir,” says I, “then you must divorce her. If you can prove what

you say, you may certainly get that done, and then, I suppose, you are

free.”

“That’s very tedious and expensive,” says he.

“Why,” says I, “if you can get any woman you like to take your word, I

suppose your wife would not dispute the liberty with you that she takes

herself.”

“Ay,” says he, “but ’twould be hard to bring an honest woman to do

that; and for the other sort,” says he, “I have had enough of her to

meddle with any more whores.”

It occurred to me presently, “I would have taken your word with all my

heart, if you had but asked me the question”; but that was to myself.

To him I replied, “Why, you shut the door against any honest woman

accepting you, for you condemn all that should venture upon you at

once, and conclude, that really a woman that takes you now can’t be

honest.”

“Why,” says he, “I wish you would satisfy me that an honest woman would

take me; I’d venture it”; and then turns short upon me, “Will you take

me, madam?”

“That’s not a fair question,” says I, “after what you have said;

however, lest you should think I wait only for a recantation of it, I

shall answer you plainly, No, not I; my business is of another kind

with you, and I did not expect you would have turned my serious

application to you, in my own distracted case, into a comedy.”

“Why, madam,” says he, “my case is as distracted as yours can be, and I

stand in as much need of advice as you do, for I think if I have not

relief somewhere, I shall be made myself, and I know not what course to

take, I protest to you.”

“Why, sir,” says I, “’tis easy to give advice in your case, much easier

than it is in mine.” “Speak then,” says he, “I beg of you, for now you

encourage me.”