第 十 章 · Chapter X

. Chapter X

“That, then, was the way in which I was captured. I was in love, as it

is called; not only did _she_ appear to me a perfect being, but I

considered myself a white blackbird. It is a commonplace fact that

there is no one so low in the world that he cannot find some one viler

than himself, and consequently puff with pride and self-contentment. I

was in that situation. I did not marry for money. Interest was foreign

to the affair, unlike the marriages of most of my acquaintances, who

married either for money or for relations. First, I was rich, she was

poor. Second, I was especially proud of the fact that, while others

married with an intention of continuing their polygamic life as

bachelors, it was my firm intention to live monogamically after my

engagement and the wedding, and my pride swelled immeasurably.

“Yes, I was a wretch, convinced that I was an angel. The period of my

engagement did not last long. I cannot remember those days without

shame. What an abomination!

“It is generally agreed that love is a moral sentiment, a community of

thought rather than of sense. If that is the case, this community of

thought ought to find expression in words and conversation. Nothing of

the sort. It was extremely difficult for us to talk with each other.

What a toil of Sisyphus was our conversation! Scarcely had we thought

of something to say, and said it, when we had to resume our silence and

try to discover new subjects. Literally, we did not know what to say to

each other. All that we could think of concerning the life that was

before us and our home was said.

“And then what? If we had been animals, we should have known that we

had not to talk. But here, on the contrary, it was necessary to talk,

and there were no resources! For that which occupied our minds was not

a thing to be expressed in words.

“And then that silly custom of eating bon-bons, that brutal gluttony

for sweetmeats, those abominable preparations for the wedding, those

discussions with mamma upon the apartments, upon the sleeping-rooms,

upon the bedding, upon the morning-gowns, upon the wrappers, the linen,

the costumes! Understand that if people married according to the old

fashion, as this old man said just now, then these eiderdown coverlets

and this bedding would all be sacred details; but with us, out of ten

married people there is scarcely to be found one who, I do not say

believes in sacraments (whether he believes or not is a matter of

indifference to us), but believes in what he promises. Out of a hundred

men, there is scarcely one who has not married before, and out of fifty

scarcely one who has not made up his mind to deceive his wife.

“The great majority look upon this journey to the church as a condition

necessary to the possession of a certain woman. Think then of the

supreme significance which material details must take on. Is it not a

sort of sale, in which a maiden is given over to a _débauché_, the sale

being surrounded with the most agreeable details?”