第 三百一十八 章 · 第318章

When seeing a dying animal a man feels a sense of horror: substance

similar to his own is perishing before his eyes. But when it is a

beloved and intimate human being that is dying, besides this horror at

the extinction of life there is a severance, a spiritual wound, which

like a physical wound is sometimes fatal and sometimes heals, but always

aches and shrinks at any external irritating touch.

After Prince Andrew’s death Natásha and Princess Mary alike felt this.

Drooping in spirit and closing their eyes before the menacing cloud of

death that overhung them, they dared not look life in the face. They

carefully guarded their open wounds from any rough and painful contact.

Everything: a carriage passing rapidly in the street, a summons to

dinner, the maid’s inquiry what dress to prepare, or worse still any

word of insincere or feeble sympathy, seemed an insult, painfully

irritated the wound, interrupting that necessary quiet in which

they both tried to listen to the stern and dreadful choir that still

resounded in their imagination, and hindered their gazing into those

mysterious limitless vistas that for an instant had opened out before

them.

Only when alone together were they free from such outrage and pain.

They spoke little even to one another, and when they did it was of very

unimportant matters.

Both avoided any allusion to the future. To admit the possibility of

a future seemed to them to insult his memory. Still more carefully did

they avoid anything relating to him who was dead. It seemed to them that

what they had lived through and experienced could not be expressed in

words, and that any reference to the details of his life infringed the

majesty and sacredness of the mystery that had been accomplished before

their eyes.

Continued abstention from speech, and constant avoidance of everything

that might lead up to the subject—this halting on all sides at the

boundary of what they might not mention—brought before their minds with

still greater purity and clearness what they were both feeling.

But pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy.

Princess Mary, in her position as absolute and independent arbiter of

her own fate and guardian and instructor of her nephew, was the first to

be called back to life from that realm of sorrow in which she had dwelt

for the first fortnight. She received letters from her relations to

which she had to reply; the room in which little Nicholas had been put

was damp and he began to cough; Alpátych came to Yaroslávl with reports

on the state of their affairs and with advice and suggestions that they

should return to Moscow to the house on the Vozdvízhenka Street, which

had remained uninjured and needed only slight repairs. Life did not

stand still and it was necessary to live. Hard as it was for Princess

Mary to emerge from the realm of secluded contemplation in which she

had lived till then, and sorry and almost ashamed as she felt to leave

Natásha alone, yet the cares of life demanded her attention and she

involuntarily yielded to them. She went through the accounts with

Alpátych, conferred with Dessalles about her nephew, and gave orders and

made preparations for the journey to Moscow.

Natásha remained alone and, from the time Princess Mary began making

preparations for departure, held aloof from her too.

Princess Mary asked the countess to let Natásha go with her to Moscow,

and both parents gladly accepted this offer, for they saw their daughter

losing strength every day and thought that a change of scene and the

advice of Moscow doctors would be good for her.

“I am not going anywhere,” Natásha replied when this was proposed to

her. “Do please just leave me alone!” And she ran out of the room, with

difficulty refraining from tears of vexation and irritation rather than

of sorrow.

After she felt herself deserted by Princes Mary and alone in her grief,

Natásha spent most of the time in her room by herself, sitting huddled

up feet and all in the corner of the sofa, tearing and twisting

something with her slender nervous fingers and gazing intently and

fixedly at whatever her eyes chanced to fall on. This solitude exhausted

and tormented her but she was in absolute need of it. As soon as anyone

entered she got up quickly, changed her position and expression, and

picked up a book or some sewing, evidently waiting impatiently for the

intruder to go.

She felt all the time as if she might at any moment penetrate that

on which—with a terrible questioning too great for her strength—her

spiritual gaze was fixed.

One day toward the end of December Natásha, pale and thin, dressed in a

black woolen gown, her plaited hair negligently twisted into a knot, was

crouched feet and all in the corner of her sofa, nervously crumpling and

smoothing out the end of her sash while she looked at a corner of the

door.

She was gazing in the direction in which he had gone—to the other side

of life. And that other side of life, of which she had never before

thought and which had formerly seemed to her so far away and improbable,

was now nearer and more akin and more comprehensible than this side of

life, where everything was either emptiness and desolation or suffering

and indignity.

She was gazing where she knew him to be; but she could not imagine him

otherwise than as he had been here. She now saw him again as he had been

at Mytíshchi, at Tróitsa, and at Yaroslávl.

She saw his face, heard his voice, repeated his words and her own, and

sometimes devised other words they might have spoken.

There he is lying back in an armchair in his velvet cloak, leaning

his head on his thin pale hand. His chest is dreadfully hollow and his

shoulders raised. His lips are firmly closed, his eyes glitter, and a

wrinkle comes and goes on his pale forehead. One of his legs twitches

just perceptibly, but rapidly. Natásha knows that he is struggling with

terrible pain. “What is that pain like? Why does he have that pain? What

does he feel? How does it hurt him?” thought Natásha. He noticed her

watching him, raised his eyes, and began to speak seriously:

“One thing would be terrible,” said he: “to bind oneself forever to a

suffering man. It would be continual torture.” And he looked searchingly

at her. Natásha as usual answered before she had time to think what she

would say. She said: “This can’t go on—it won’t. You will get well—quite

well.”

She now saw him from the commencement of that scene and relived what she

had then felt. She recalled his long sad and severe look at those words

and understood the meaning of the rebuke and despair in that protracted

gaze.

“I agreed,” Natásha now said to herself, “that it would be dreadful if

he always continued to suffer. I said it then only because it would have

been dreadful for him, but he understood it differently. He thought it

would be dreadful for me. He then still wished to live and feared death.

And I said it so awkwardly and stupidly! I did not say what I meant.

I thought quite differently. Had I said what I thought, I should have

said: even if he had to go on dying, to die continually before my eyes,

I should have been happy compared with what I am now. Now there is

nothing... nobody. Did he know that? No, he did not and never will know

it. And now it will never, never be possible to put it right.” And

now he again seemed to be saying the same words to her, only in her

imagination Natásha this time gave him a different answer. She stopped

him and said: “Terrible for you, but not for me! You know that for me

there is nothing in life but you, and to suffer with you is the greatest

happiness for me,” and he took her hand and pressed it as he had

pressed it that terrible evening four days before his death. And in her

imagination she said other tender and loving words which she might have

said then but only spoke now: “I love thee!... thee! I love, love...”

she said, convulsively pressing her hands and setting her teeth with a

desperate effort....

She was overcome by sweet sorrow and tears were already rising in her

eyes; then she suddenly asked herself to whom she was saying this.

Again everything was shrouded in hard, dry perplexity, and again with a

strained frown she peered toward the world where he was. And now, now

it seemed to her she was penetrating the mystery.... But at the instant

when it seemed that the incomprehensible was revealing itself to her a

loud rattle of the door handle struck painfully on her ears. Dunyásha,

her maid, entered the room quickly and abruptly with a frightened look

on her face and showing no concern for her mistress.

“Come to your Papa at once, please!” said she with a strange, excited

look. “A misfortune... about Peter Ilýnich... a letter,” she finished

with a sob.