第 三十六 章 · How Gargantua demolished the

Chapter 1.XXXVI.

How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they

passed the ford.

As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had

found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all

their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers,

thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they

might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell

and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare,

accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great

tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin’s tree, because

heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim’s staff there, which in tract of

time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is that which I lacked;

this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance. With that he pulled

it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. In

the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such

abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss

of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the

water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with

great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand

towards the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of Vede,

was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within

the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are

you there, or are you not there? If you be there, be there no more; and if

you are not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian gunner, whose

charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at

him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his

head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of

a wine-grape at him. What is this? said Gargantua; do you throw at us

grape-kernels here? The vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that

the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel.

Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when

they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they

shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and

arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him

that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put

out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away,

thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had

been but dunflies. Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other

flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle. Then was it that

he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows

overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground,

by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going

from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the

ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill

and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were

destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. There they were at a stand,

consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses.

But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough.

The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the damned souls.

By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall

pass there. Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall stick in the way. Then

setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing

nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had

accustomed him, according to the doctrine of Aelian, not to fear armour,

nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did

the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at

his horse’s feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his

hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. The

other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse’s

fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat

chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There

was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down

the rest of the villain’s tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out

his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was

thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of

the burst guts of that great looby.