Kabanata Kabanata 39 · How the Monk was feasted by

Chapter 1.XXXIX.

How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had

at supper.

When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed

their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily,

Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between

him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had

triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for

his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then

Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with

him they might consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, by a joint

consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his

staff of the cross, upon Grangousier’s mule. When he was come, a thousand

huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. Ha,

Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the

devil! Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful. I

must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it. Come, my cod, let

me coll thee till I kill thee. And Friar John, the gladdest man in the

world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and

graciously received than Friar John. Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool

here close by me at this end. I am content, said the monk, seeing you will

have it so. Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my

liver. Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. Deposita cappa,

said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Ho, by G--, gentlemen, said the

monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which opposeth my laying of it

down. Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter! This frock breaks both

your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the monk, let me alone with

it; for, by G--, I’ll drink the better that it is on. It makes all my body

jocund. If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to

themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines. And,

which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. But if in this habit I sit down

at table, I will drink, by G--, both to thee and to thy horse, and so

courage, frolic, God save the company! I have already supped, yet will I

eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow

as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus’ boot (butt), and always open like

a lawyer’s pouch. Of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge

or the thigh of a nun. Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a

stiff catso? Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon. In that,

said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and

pullets which they carry away they never eat the white. Why? said the

monk. Because, said Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if

they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the

redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire,

whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters,

crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling. By God’s

feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head

well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. The

thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose

of the truel,--what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are

always fresh and cool? This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in

Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three

causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed. Primo,

because the water runs all along by it. Secundo, because it is a shady

place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines. And thirdly,

because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north

winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the

codpiece. And lusty, my lads. Some bousing liquor, page! So! crack,

crack, crack. O how good is God, that gives us of this excellent juice! I

call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would

have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet. And

the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these

gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and

left their good master in the lurch. I hate that man worse than poison

that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh

that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years! By G--, I

should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia. A plague take them;

why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince

in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to

perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running

away? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore,

friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there.

Diavolo, is there no more must? No more sweet wine? Germinavit radix

Jesse. Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for

thirst. This wine is none of the worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I

give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for

all comers six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the high

kilderkins? Oh the good fellow that he is! But I do not know what fly

hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student. For my part, I

study not at all. In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which

disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. Our late abbot was

wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By G--,

master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes.

You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not anywhere

come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon. My Lord Belloniere promised me a

lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy. The

partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up

our ears. I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold

that I am like to founder myself at that sport. If I do not run, toil,

travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is that in leaping

over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind

it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he

suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord

Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him. Did I ill? No, Friar John, said

Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no! So, said the monk, do I

attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G--,

what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? By the body of

G--, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen.

How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John. It is only, said the

monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours of a Ciceronian

rhetoric.