Bab Bab 6 · Chapter VI

. Chapter VI

“Yes, so it is; and that went farther and farther with all sorts of

variations. My God! when I remember all my cowardly acts and bad deeds,

I am frightened. And I remember that ‘me’ who, during that period, was

still the butt of his comrades’ ridicule on account of his innocence.

“And when I hear people talk of the gilded youth, of the officers, of

the Parisians, and all these gentlemen, and myself, living wild lives

at the age of thirty, and who have on our consciences hundreds of

crimes toward women, terrible and varied, when we enter a parlor or a

ball-room, washed, shaven, and perfumed, with very white linen, in

dress coats or in uniform, as emblems of purity, oh, the disgust! There

will surely come a time, an epoch, when all these lives and all this

cowardice will be unveiled!

“So, nevertheless, I lived, until the age of thirty, without abandoning

for a minute my intention of marrying, and building an elevated

conjugal life; and with this in view I watched all young girls who

might suit me. I was buried in rottenness, and at the same time I

looked for virgins, whose purity was worthy of me! Many of them were

rejected: they did not seem to me pure enough!

“Finally I found one that I considered on a level with myself. She was

one of two daughters of a landed proprietor of Penza, formerly very

rich and since ruined. To tell the truth, without false modesty, they

pursued me and finally captured me. The mother (the father was away)

laid all sorts of traps, and one of these, a trip in a boat, decided my

future.

“I made up my mind at the end of the aforesaid trip one night, by

moonlight, on our way home, while I was sitting beside her. I admired

her slender body, whose charming shape was moulded by a jersey, and her

curling hair, and I suddenly concluded that _this was she_. It seemed

to me on that beautiful evening that she understood all that I thought

and felt, and I thought and felt the most elevating things.

“Really, it was only the jersey that was so becoming to her, and her

curly hair, and also the fact that I had spent the day beside her, and

that I desired a more intimate relation.

“I returned home enthusiastic, and I persuaded myself that she realized

the highest perfection, and that for that reason she was worthy to be

my wife, and the next day I made to her a proposal of marriage.

“No, say what you will, we live in such an abyss of falsehood, that,

unless some event strikes us a blow on the head, as in my case, we

cannot awaken. What confusion! Out of the thousands of men who marry,

not only among us, but also among the people, scarcely will you find a

single one who has not previously married at least ten times. (It is

true that there now exist, at least so I have heard, pure young people

who feel and know that this is not a joke, but a serious matter. May

God come to their aid! But in my time there was not to be found one

such in a thousand.)

“And all know it, and pretend not to know it. In all the novels are

described down to the smallest details the feelings of the characters,

the lakes and brambles around which they walk; but, when it comes to

describing their _great_ love, not a word is breathed of what _He_, the

interesting character, has previously done, not a word about his

frequenting of disreputable houses, or his association with

nursery-maids, cooks, and the wives of others.

“And if anything is said of these things, such _improper_ novels are

not allowed in the hands of young girls. All men have the air of

believing, in presence of maidens, that these corrupt pleasures, in

which _everybody_ takes part, do not exist, or exist only to a very

small extent. They pretend it so carefully that they succeed in

convincing themselves of it. As for the poor young girls, they believe

it quite seriously, just as my poor wife believed it.

“I remember that, being already engaged, I showed her my ‘memoirs,’

from which she could learn more or less of my past, and especially my

last _liaison_ which she might perhaps have discovered through the

gossip of some third party. It was for this last reason, for that

matter, that I felt the necessity of communicating these memoirs to

her. I can still see her fright, her despair, her bewilderment, when

she had learned and understood it. She was on the point of breaking the

engagement. What a lucky thing it would have been for both of us!”

Posdnicheff was silent for a moment, and then resumed:—

“After all, no! It is better that things happened as they did, better!”

he cried. “It was a good thing for me. Besides, it makes no difference.

I was saying that in these cases it is the poor young girls who are

deceived. As for the mothers, the mothers especially, informed by their

husbands, they know all, and, while pretending to believe in the purity

of the young man, they act as if they did not believe in it.

“They know what bait must be held out to people for themselves and

their daughters. We men sin through ignorance, and a determination not

to learn. As for the women, they know very well that the noblest and

most poetic love, as we call it, depends, not on moral qualities, but

on the physical intimacy, and also on the manner of doing the hair, and

the color and shape.

“Ask an experienced coquette, who has undertaken to seduce a man, which

she would prefer,—to be convicted, in presence of the man whom she is

engaged in conquering, of falsehood, perversity, cruelty, or to appear

before him in an ill-fitting dress, or a dress of an unbecoming color.

She will prefer the first alternative. She knows very well that we

simply lie when we talk of our elevated sentiments, that we seek only

the possession of her body, and that because of that we will forgive

her every sort of baseness, but will not forgive her a costume of an

ugly shade, without taste or fit.

“And these things she knows by reason, where as the maiden knows them

only by instinct, like the animal. Hence these abominable jerseys,

these artificial humps on the back, these bare shoulders, arms, and

throats.

“Women, especially those who have passed through the school of

marriage, know very well that conversations upon elevated subjects are

only conversations, and that man seeks and desires the body and all

that ornaments the body. Consequently, they act accordingly? If we

reject conventional explanations, and view the life of our upper and

lower classes as it is, with all its shamelessness, it is only a vast

perversity. You do not share this opinion? Permit me, I am going to

prove it to you (said he, interrupting me).

“You say that the women of our society live for a different interest

from that which actuates fallen women. And I say no, and I am going to

prove it to you. If beings differ from one another according to the

purpose of their life, according to their _inner life_, this will

necessarily be reflected also in their _outer life_, and their exterior

will be very different. Well, then, compare the wretched, the despised,

with the women of the highest society: the same dresses, the same

fashions, the same perfumeries, the same passion for jewelry, for

brilliant and very expensive articles, the same amusements, dances,

music, and songs. The former attract by all possible means; so do the

latter. No difference, none whatever!

“Yes, and I, too, was captivated by jerseys, bustles, and curly hair.”